In the desert

I saw a creature, naked, bestial,

Who, squatting upon the ground,

Held his heart in his hands,

And ate of it.

I said, 'Is it good, friend?'

'It is bitter—bitter,' he answered;

'But I like it

'Because it is bitter,

'And because it is my heart.'

Stephen Crane, "In the Desert"

September 6th, 2004

Jasper was accustomed to women that took matters into their own hands.

He'd just turned twenty-three when his mortal life had ended, and he'd been conscripted into an immortal war by a woman hellbent on revenge for the loss of her mate and coven.

It'd been toward the end of the seventies when he'd had his last major slip-up and had caused a big enough problem that the entire coven had to pull up stakes and move. Charlotte, upon hearing what happened from Peter, had thrown up her hands in frustration and tracked Jasper down to single-handedly pull his head out of his ass when he couldn't drag himself out of his self-loathing.

In Jasper's experience, it was always women who were the ones taking action while men stood around and discussed about what needed doing.

Alice, naturally, was no different.

His little sprite barely came up to his chest, but she had more personality packed into her little finger than most did in their entire bodies. Jasper himself wasn't a wallflower, but Alice had always been the more exuberant of the two of them. Letting her take the reins in their relationship was easy. It delighted him to see her happy, and he got the bonus of riding the high that was her typically saccharine emotional climate.

But as much as he loved her, loved being around her, sometimes he needed to get away. Jasper knew that hurt her, but he couldn't help it. Being around Alice twenty-four-seven was eventually exhausting. He needed space to retreat and recharge, just a few minutes to be alone, but how could a man truly be alone when he had a psychic for a wife?

It came from a place of love, he knew that. But the constant checking for mistakes, the hovering, and the worrying… It was enough to drive even the most patient man to the brink after a while.

So, he wasn't surprised when the morning after he'd made the decision to head off on his own for a while, Alice was waiting for him.

She'd stolen his armchair, her legs tucked neatly underneath her, and propped her pointed chin on her small fist. In her free hand she twirled a pencil expertly between thin fingers, quick enough to be little more than a blur to human eyes.

"School starts tomorrow. That's not a lot of time for us to come up with an excuse for your absence," Alice said, silvery bell-like voice sweet in the pre-dawn light that filtered into his study.

"I'm sure you or Carlisle can come up with something believable," Jasper replied flatly. "I'm going, Alice. I just need to get away for a while. Clear my head."

He opened the closet and reached up to pull a duffle from a shelf. It was the work of seconds to pack everything at vampire speed. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched as Alice's own stared blankly ahead as she sifted through the future. After a few moments, she blinked owlishly, before turning her large gold eyes on him.

"You're indecisive about where you're going. I can't tell if you're doing it on purpose to hide your actual choice or if you're actually that conflicted. Jazz, please, we can talk this out - "

"I've asked you not to call me that, Alice." Jasper sighed heavily through his nose before rubbing at his temples, a frustrated tic he'd picked up from her. "I don't want to talk anymore. I just want to be alone for a while and just think some things through."

"But what do you need to think about?" Alice pressed. "You haven't had any recent slip-ups or even any near misses. We've been so careful –"

"No, you've been careful. Not me." Jasper whirled around to point an accusing finger at her. "Every moment of every day of my life is monitored. I know my future before I ever live it! I know what I'm going to say, what I'm going to wear, who I'm going to see – it's like the choices my future self makes aren't even mine because I know about them before I've consciously made them!"

Jasper blew a heavy breath out his nose and raked a hand through his hair. He tried to ignore the pain that radiated from Alice, but it was impossible, being as attuned to her as he was. Perhaps he was a jackass for having raised his voice, but he didn't feel an ounce of remorse for having finally expressed the feelings he'd been repressing for years.

"I'm just trying to protect you," she said softly. His gut clenched at the tearful tremor in her tone – Alice was a woman of profound emotion, but rarely was she brought to tears. Or rather, as close to tears a vampire could get, given how they couldn't actually shed them. "You wrestle with a giant inside you every single day, and sometimes when that giant wins… Oh, Jazz, watching you have to pick up the pieces all over again, it just kills me because I know I should've been paying better attention!"

Alice looked away to instead stare out the glass window that made up the back wall of the house. Both of her fists were clenched in tight balls on her lap, her white skin a gentle contrast to the pink shades of her skirt. Sometimes it was easy for him to forget how tiny she was, her personality making her seem almost twice as large, but right then she looked like a delicate china doll.

Part of him wanted to go to his sprite of a wife, to sweep her in his arms and apologize for causing her so much stress. But another part, the less tame, less polite part, simply wanted to run.

"You're not my keeper, sprite," he said gently. "My mistakes are not your mistakes."

"Aren't they?" she countered as she turned to look at him again. "We're married, Jasper. Partners. Your problems are my problems so we can solve them together. For better or for worse, remember? That's what a marriage is."

She moved from the chair to stand in front of him, her neck craned back to peer up at his face. When he didn't move to touch her like he normally would, she reached out to take both his hands in hers, her thumb sweeping soothing arcs across his knuckles.

Jasper closed his eyes and turned his head away.

"There are times when I think I know you better than I know myself," she said quietly. "It makes me feel good. Whole. Because I know you can read me just as easily." She drew in a short, trembling breath. "But then there are moments where I don't recognize the man I married, like this one. Those are the moments where I'm forced to remember that I don't truly understand every facet of you. That there are pieces that you won't share with me; and it drives me crazy because I don't understand why you don't trust me."

Jasper shook his head. His eyes opened to see Alice staring at his chest, and had her lower lip caught between her teeth.

"It's not that I don't trust you, Alice," he began, only for her to shake her head enough for the carefully styled spikes of her hair to move.

"You don't with that, and I've accepted it. Mostly, anyway," she amended after a beat. "Your past was brutal – you literally carry the reminders of it with you every day. I guess I'd just hoped after all this time maybe you'd finally be ready to start to heal from it. That I could be the one to help you with that."

Jasper pulled his hands away. He braced himself against the sudden pain that rang through her emotions as he planted himself in front of the back window and stared out into the forest beyond. He tugged at the cuffs of his shirtsleeves, as if to remind himself that his 'reminders' were still hidden away.

"It's not your job to rescue me. My past is, as you said, brutal, but it's over. You showed me a different way to live, and I'll always be grateful for that. You did enough just by finding me. All of this," he gestured vaguely with his hand, "constant monitoring of my future is only stressing the both of us out."

"I see." In the reflection of the glass, he watched her wrap her arms around herself, as if she were trying to hold herself together. "And this… break," she said carefully, "is more helpful than keeping an eye on the future?"

Jasper shrugged. "I won't know until I try."

His gut felt like it'd tied itself in knots as he watched the flicker of different emotions cross her face in a perfect reflection of her emotional climate. He himself felt guilt primarily; guilt for causing her distress, for not being the husband she deserved, for not being less damaged.

Hot on guilt's heels was the ever-familiar self-loathing. He loved Alice, but he knew he wasn't a good match for her, not like she wanted him to be. Jasper knew she loved him, deeply, unreservedly. Unlike him, she kept no part of herself hidden away. She'd laid bare all of herself and handed it to him with the trust that he'd take care of such a gentle offering. And he'd tried. God knew how hard he'd tried. She'd appeared in his life like some heaven-sent sprite to offer him everything he'd begged for from a god he no longer believed in.

How could he not love her for that?

"You should take the Mercedes. You'll need the dark tint in the south," she said finally.

Jasper snorted. "I thought I hadn't decided on where I was going," he replied as he turned around to face her fully, his arms crossed over his chest.

"You haven't. But I know you. You've always liked the desert for some reason." She wrinkled her nose. "So much boring open space, and no decent place to shop for miles! Honestly, Jazz, I don't see the appeal."

He shrugged, unsure of how to explain that the appeal was how it made the venom in Jasper's veins sing.

The bulk of his second life had been spent in the southwestern region of the United States as well as the northern part of Mexico, but his appreciation for the desert ran deeper than simply familiarity. Was it the miles of wild country that staunchly refused to be tamed by human hands? Maybe it was the sky that seemed to go on forever. Perhaps it was the relentless, blistering heat that was somehow almost sufficient to make him feel warm again.

It could have been all those things, or even something he hadn't yet identified. Whatever the reason, the southern states were his preferred refuge when the trappings of playing at being human proved too stifling to bear.

"You are going south then," Alice said smugly. Jasper nodded, having just then decided. "Like I said, the Mercedes - "

"I'm taking my bike," he interrupted, and held up a hand when she went to protest. "So long as I wear a helmet and gloves, it'll be fine." He crossed over to the desk where he'd dropped the duffle bag and slung it over his shoulder. "It's not like I'm taking much with me."

She looked like she wanted to argue with him, but for once Alice held her tongue. She trailed after him like a second shadow as he descended the stairs, then took the corner that led to the garage. Without looking, he stabbed the button for the door and busied himself with locating his helmet and gloves from one of the cabinets along the wall. Once retrieved, he walked down to the end of the garage to where a silver motorcycle was parked.

It was a beast of a machine, massive and sleek, the perfect tool for speed and agility. Jasper had come from a time when the preferred mode of transportation was horseback; given how animals avoided him now, this was the next best thing.

After securing his duffle, Jasper swung his leg over the side and turned the key that was already in the ignition. The throaty growl of the engine echoed through the cavernous garage in response.

Alice closed the gap between them as he tugged on his gloves, bouncing on her toes as she wrung her hands in front of her.

"When are you coming back?"

Jasper paused in putting on his helmet. "I don't know," he said honestly. "When I'm ready, I suppose."

She winced slightly, and he felt like a colossal jackass for not having a better, non-painful answer for her. She didn't deserve what he was doing to her – but Jasper also knew if he didn't do this for himself, then he wasn't sure what the outcome would be. Nothing good, that was for sure. He looked at her fully this time, and already hated himself for what he was about to ask.

"Alice, while I'm gone… please don't intentionally look for my future," he said softly. "I know you can't control what you see sometimes, but just this once, keep me out of sight."

She flinched away from him like he'd struck her. "Jasper… I…" Her lower lip quivered before she turned away and ran back inside.

Jasper stared after her, his heart just as bruised as he knew hers was. Rather than chase after her, he guided the bike out into the misting drizzle. He paused to secure the chinstrap of the helmet, then shifted more comfortably in the seat.

As he revved the engine and took off down the road, a familiar question snaked through his mind: what if the love he shared with Alice wasn't enough?

A/N: we return to bella's pov in the next installment, during which her path crosses jasper's! thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far, i treasure each one!