Enough Love
"Jason, he stays by Mom's grave for hours at a time. He would sleep out here if Dad would let him." Joshua, age 9, told his older brother.
"If it makes him feel better, Josh, what's the harm? You know, Mom's death has been the hardest for Jeremy." Jason looked down the path at his five-year-old brother standing and staring at their mother's grave.
Jeremy was so stricken by the loss of their mother, that he began stuttering trying to say Amen to the closing prayer on the day of her burial.
"I know it's really hard for him because he's so little, but it can't be good for him to stand there for hours. I mean it's kinda weird. Go talk to him. I asked him if he wanted to play ball and he threw a handful of dirt at me." Joshua said perturbed. "Besides, it's getting cold. You know how sick he gets when he has a fever. He scares us to death."
Jason laughed and slapped the middle brother on his back.
"Just wait, if Jeremy throws dirt at you, you will be threatening to kick his little butt all the way to Oregon." Joshua frowned.
"Calm down, Josh. I'll talk to him. I'll tell him not to throw dirt at you anymore." Jason grinned.
"Like Jeremy will listen." Joshua went into the cabin.
Jason walked down the path to Mom's grave. "Hi, Jeremy. What are you doing? Josh said you have been here for a long time today."
"Uh, huh. I'm loving Mama so I gotta get as close as I can to her so she can f-f-feel it." The child explained without looking at his brother.
"Oh, I see. Don't you think Mama can feel your love with you inside the cabin where it's warm. I mean it's not that far from here. Mama wouldn't want you to get sick from being in the cold too long." Jason said gently.
"She wouldn't want me to die like she did, would she, J-J-Jason?" Jeremy asked still staring at the grave.
Jason crouched down and took hold of Jeremy's shoulders. He turned his brother to face him.
"Of course, Mama wouldn't want you to die. She wouldn't even want you to have a cold. That's how much she loves you." Jason told him.
Jeremy looked in his brother's eyes. "Mama died b-b-because I didn't love her enough."
Jason leaned his head to one side a bit. "Jeremy, Mama died because she was sick. It's not your fault or anyone's fault that she died."
"In church Sunday, the preacher said that we are supposed to love each other like God loves us. And he said that God bandages our wounds and makes them get well. The p-p-preacher said God does this because He loves us and that when we love each other we are being like God. So, if I had loved M-M-Mama enough like God loves people, she woulda got well and not d-d-died." Jeremy said.
Jason wanted to smile and cry at the same time. Jeremy's innocent child like interpretation of the scriptures made him want to grin. However, Jeremy's serious thought that their mother's death was his fault was more compelling and tears ran down his face.
"Jeremy, the preacher meant that we are supposed to behave as good as we can and love as much as we can because God loves us, and He wants us to love each other. We can't heal people, Jeremy. God is the only One who can do that. You understand that don't you?" Jason asked.
"I know that God can do lots of stuff that people can't do, but Mama used to make me well when I was sick. And she said she did it because she loved me. M-M-Mama loved me enough. I shoulda loved her enough too. I dint and she d-d-died." Jeremy burst into tears.
"Oh. Baby brother don't cry." Jason whispered as he took him into his arms. "Let's go inside."
"I need to love Mama some more. She might c-c-come back if I can love her enough." Jeremy wailed.
"People can't come back from Heaven, Jeremy, no matter how much we love them." Jason whispered as he walked into the cabin.
"Jason, what's the matter with our wee one?" Dad asked.
Jason told him the conversation he and Jeremy had by Mom's grave.
"Oh, my precious boy, let Dad hold ye a bit." He said taking Jeremy from Jason.
Dad removed his son's coat and threw it on the sofa. Johnathan Bolt sat down in his large comfortable chair with Jeremy in his arms. The heartbroken child was still crying.
Dad held him close whispering comforting words and sounds into his ear. Jeremy got the hiccups as he often did when he cried. They were so bad that they rattled his whole body. Dad had to suppress the urge to laugh.
Joshua started to laugh at one point when Jeremy hiccuped, Jason grabbed Josh by his shoulders and slung him into the bedroom so Jeremy wouldn't hear him laughing. Joshua was not injured during the slinging.
"Joshua Austin Bolt! Come in here and get your brother some water!" Dad shouted not out of anger but to keep from laughing himself.
Joshua got Jeremy some water. It stopped the hiccups. Jeremy soon fell asleep in Dad's lap.
At supper, Jeremy was sullen and wouldn't eat. When it was time for bed, he was still grouchy and refused to go to bed. When Dad picked him up and placed him in the bed, he began crying again.
Jeremy got the hiccups again too. This time Joshua laughed outright at his brother. Jeremy kicked him in the leg and screamed "Go hell, J-J-Josh!"
"Ouch! I oughta whip your ass!" Joshua yelled.
"Jeremy Bolt!" Dad yelled across the cabin. "Joshua Bolt!"
"I've got him, Dad!' Jason said as he ran to the boys' bedroom.
"Come on, Jeremy! You too, Josh! Both of you know Dad doesn't allow cussing for any reason. Both of you be quiet." Jason rushed to get his brothers settled in for the night.
"Okay, Jason." Joshua whispered. "Sorry Jeremy."
"Go hell!" Jeremy whispered as Jason picked him up to take him to his bedroom.
"Jeremy, Josh apologized. And what did you say?" Jason asked thinking he could shame the boy into better behavior.
Jeremy looked his big brother in the eye. "I told Josh, go h-h-hell!"
"That's not nice is it and it's not loving like you should is it?" Jason asked as they went in his bedroom.
"No." Jeremy said ashamed. "I'll go say I'm sorry to Josh."
"Okay. Be fast. We have to go to sleep." Jason put him down on the floor.
Jeremy ran to his bedroom. He jumped on the bed. "I'm sorry, J-J-Josh. I don't want you to go to the bad p-p-place."
"Thanks, Jeremy. Goodnight." Joshua replied.
"Goodnight, Josh." Jeremy ran back to Jason's room and leapt on to the bed.
Jeremy fell asleep sprawled on top of Jason. He slept soundly for a few hours.
When Jeremy woke up, he was fretful. Jason tried to comfort him to no avail. "What's wrong, brother? Do you feel sick?"
"Got to love Mama! Shoulda loved her enough, but I dint!" He whimpered. "Gotta love M-M-Mama by her grave." Jeremy started to get up.
Jason caught the littlest Bolt by his arm. "Jeremy, you can love Mama just fine from right here where you are safe and warm."
"No! I gotta learn to love better. If I had loved Mama better maybe she woulda got well. Preacher said we hafta love like God does and God's love makes us get well." The child insisted.
"I think you misunderstood. Yes, God loves everybody and wants us to love everyone too. And God heals us sometimes, but we are not God, we can't heal people like He can. Jeremy, Mama didn't die because you didn't love her enough. You love Mama more than anybody in the whole world and Mama knew that. She wouldn't want you to be upset like this."
"Okay, J-J-Jason. I will love Mama from here." Jeremy laid on his brother's chest. He was soon asleep.
"I love you, baby brother." Jason whispered as he stroked the boy's hair.
The next morning, Jason woke up early right before daylight. Jeremy was not in the bed.
Going into the front room, Jason expected to see his youngest brother sitting in Dad's armchair. Jeremy was not in there. Jason looked in the boys' bedroom. Josh was still asleep. Jeremy wasn't in the room.
Jason grabbed his coat from the hook and ran outside putting his arms in the sleeves as he ran. When he got to the grave, he found his brother.
Jeremy was lying in the snow by their mother's burial spot. For a moment, Jason was scared that the child had frozen to death, but he found a pulse when he touched Jeremy's neck.
Snatching him from the ground, the young man sprinted to the cabin with his little brother.
Jeremy came down with pneumonia. Several nights his fever was so high, both brothers and Dad stayed up with him. Twice they filled the tub with snow and let him soak in it to bring the fever down.
When his fever finally broke, Dad sobbed in relief. Later, he told Jason privately that he had begun pondering the dimensions of a child size coffin in his mind right before the fever lowered.
Jason looked shocked at his father's words. He said he had imagined himself digging a small grave next to Mom's. Dad trembled as he held his oldest son close.
He whispered, "Shush, dear boy, shush." As Jason cried.
Jeremy recovered from the pneumonia, but he remained preoccupied with thinking that he should have loved his mother enough. He would stand at the window for long periods of time looking out and loving Mama. Dad had forbidden him to go outside except to get in the buckboard to go to church.
One day, Jason had a talk with Dad. "I'm worried about Jeremy, Dad. He isn't getting over this notion that he didn't love Mom enough."
"Jeremy is a young child. He is struggling with the loss of his mother. I am an old man, and I am still battling the loss of my wife. It's no wonder the wee bairn suffers." Dad replied.
"I understand that, Dad. Joshua and I are having difficulty coping with our grief too. However, love should not be a burden. A five-year-old child who is already stricken by the loss of his mother shouldn't think that she died because he didn't love her enough." Jason lamented.
"I agree, Jason. I have seen the sad faraway look in the boy's eyes. I have heard Joshua and you comforting Jeremy when he cries out during the night telling his mama he's sorry for not loving her enough. Son don't tell your brothers this, I have shed tears and lost sleep trying to think of a way to help my baby boy. I will keep studying on it until I come up with something." Dad told him.
"I know you will, Dad. You know what Mom always said when one of us wrestled with a problem, don't get out of heart.' Jason smiled sadly.
"Yes, she said that often. I haven't thought of it in a while. Thank you, Son for reminding me.
Over the next few days, Johnny thought about what he could do to help Jeremy. Soon he had an idea.
Johnathan Bolt looked through his wife's trinkets, jewelry, and mementos until he found a letter that she had written him a few years ago. He had asked her to keep it with her things because as much as he treasured it, he would have lost it.
Maggie had written the letter to her husband to thank him for the lovely picnic and gifts, he and the boys had given her for her birthday.
Jeremy was two years old then, so he had no memory of that day.
This was the letter from Maggie:
Dear Johnny,
You and our boys made this the happiest birthday I have ever had. Thanks to you and them for the wonderful picnic and the thoughtful gifts. It was such a fun day filled with so much love. It got me to thinking, dearest Johnny, that I am the most blessed woman in the world. When you and I courted all those years ago, my heart was so full of love for you that I didn't think it possible for me to experience more love. I thought I had reached the heights of love.
I was wrong, my darling, so very wrong. When Jason was born my heart grew to contain the wondrous love a mother has for her child and the love that a mother receives from her bairn. With the births of Joshua and Jeremy, my heart grew bigger each time to hold more and more love.
The only thing I can compare this tremendous love to, Johnny, is the ocean. This might sound silly and sentimental to a big, tall lumberjack, I have gotten an ocean's worth of love from you and our precious sons. I have loved you, and Jason, and Joshua, and Jeremy each an ocean's worth as well. And I always will. Love, Maggie
Johnny smiled through his tears as he read his wife's letter. Surely, this letter would help Jeremy.
Later that afternoon, Dad bundled up Jeremy in warm clothes, a coat, mittens, and a hat. They went to town in the buckboard. They stopped at the pier.
They sat on some crates facing the ocean. Dad took the letter out of his coat pocket.
"Jeremy, I want to read a letter that your mother wrote to me a few years ago. You were two years old then, so you don't remember the day she talked about in her letter. Listen closely, okay?" Dad told him.
"Okay, Dad." Jeremy looked him in the eye.
Dad read Mama's letter to Jeremy. When he finished the letter, they looked at each other and sighed.
Dad returned the letter to his coat pocket. "Jeremy, did you understand what Mama was saying in her letter?"
"Yes. M-M-Mama was talking about love. We love her and she loves us." Jeremy said.
"That's right, sweet boy. You are very smart." Dad put his arm around his bairn.
"Yeah, I am." Jeremy grinned.
Dad laughed a big boisterous laugh. He was so happy to see his youngest son smile. It had been too long since the child had done that.
"Do you know what Mama meant about the ocean?' asked Dad.
"No, was she sayin she loves the ocean?" He asked.
"It sounded sort of like she was saying that. But what she meant was that the amount of love she got from each of us is as big as the ocean." Dad explained.
"Oh! The ocean is so big I can't put my arms out to show how big it is, c-c-can I?" The child asked.
Dad smiled at Jeremy catching on. "No, son, you can't. No one can."
"Not even you or J-J-Jason!" Jeremy exclaimed. "That means the ocean is big!"
"Alright, Jeremy, now that we have talked about how huge the ocean is, let's remember that Mama said that the love she got from each of us was as big as the ocean. There are four of us. You, your two brothers and me. That's four. So how many oceans worth of love did Mama get from us?" asked Dad.
"F-F-Four oceans." Jeremy answered.
"That's right. Good Jeremy." Dad smiled at him. "We talked about how big one ocean is, remember? What did you say?"
"I said that one is so big that you and Jason can't hold out your arms to show how big the ocean is." The boy told his father.
"Right again, Jeremy. You are so smart! I'm proud of you, son!" Dad praised him.
"Thank you, Dad. Jason and Josh learn me stuff. And you do too, Dad." He said.
"You're welcome, Jeremy.
"If one ocean is so large that Jason and I can't show the size of it with our arms, can you imagine how huge four oceans are?" Dad wondered.
Jeremy's eyes became huge, and his mouth gaped. "Dad!"
Johnathan Bolt grinned at his youngest boy's expression. He swept his arm out at the ocean before them.
"Yes, Jeremy, just think about four of these put together. Are you thinking about it? Can you picture it in your mind?" Dad asked.
Jeremy scrunched his eyes closed tightly and nodded his head vigorously.
Dad crouched down beside Jeremy. "Keep your eyes closed. Remember Mama said that four oceans of love is how much love she got from us?"
"I r-r-remember, Dad." The bairn answered.
.
"Jeremy, one of the oceans of love that Mama got came from you. Mama said you love her an oceans worth."
"Can I open my eyes, Dad?" asked Jeremy.
"Yes, son, open your eyes." Dad replied.
Jeremy opened his eyes and gazed at his father still crouched beside him.
"Jeremy, do you think an oceans worth of love is enough love?" Dad held his boy's gaze.
"Yes, an ocean f-f-full of love is enough love." Jeremy replied. He pondered what he had just said.
"Dad!" Jeremy shouted. "I love Mama enough!"
"That's right, sweet boy! You love Mama this much!" Dad turned and gestured again at the ocean next to them.
Johnathan picked up Jeremy in his arms and stood up. "That's right. You love Mama enough. Jeremy, do you understand that Mama died because she was sick and not because you didn't love her as much as you should? And you know you don't have to be sad or worried about that anymore."
"Yeah, I know, Dad. Mama was sick and I don't have to f-f-feel bad about not loving her enough cause I did." The child replied.
Johnathan smiled at Jeremy as he began carrying the boy back to their wagon. When they were seated in the buckboard, Jeremy asked a question.
"Dad, I'm a little boy. H-H-How can an ocean of love c-c-come out of me?"
Tears came to Dad's eyes. "Because your heart is as big as an ocean, Jeremy."
Jeremy smiled happily as he and his father headed home.
The End