"Jo?" Roy called out from the bedroom. "Where are my black pants?"
Joanne stopped at the bedroom door with a laundry basket resting on her hip. "Which ones?"
"You know, the dress ones." Roy answered, distracted as he packed his suitcase. "The ones I always wear."
Joanne let out a sigh. "Roy, if after twenty years in this house, you don't know where your own pants are, I don't know how to help you."
"Great." Roy muttered, going through the closet until he found the pair he was looking for. "Found them."
"I knew you could do it." Joanne responded with a slight edge in her voice. "Are you nearly ready to go? You know you have to get to the airport."
"I know, I know." Roy hated that tone in Joanne's voice. It meant she was upset about something but wouldn't tell him why.
He'd been hearing that tone in her voice far too often lately.
There was no time to analyze it now. Not when he had a plane to catch. Another paramedic convention, this time in Chicago. Why the department insisted on continuing to send him to these damn things was a mystery to him. He was no longer an active paramedic. Chief McConnike always said something about him being part of the legacy of the program, how it was important for Roy to keep up on the latest developments.
Well, Roy supposed it was one way to keep the state of his marriage off his mind.
He finished packing and closed the suitcase, picking it up and heading out of the bedroom and setting it down by the front door. "Jo? I'm leaving."
Joanne emerged from down the hall, slipping her arms around his waist. "Be safe. I love you."
"I love you, too." Roy leaned down to kiss her. Joanne turned her head at the last second, and the kiss landed somewhere around her cheek.
Roy pulled back with a sigh. "Jo, please don't be upset."
Joanne didn't answer, merely reaching up to fold down his shirt collar, smoothing her hands down his chest. "We'll talk when you get home. You'd best get going."
"Right." Roy nodded, picking up his suitcase and heading to his car. He started it up, spotting Joanne still standing by the door.
He gave her a wave. She didn't wave back.
# # #
Johnny huffed irritably as he finished packing his suitcase. Another paramedic convention, this time in Chicago.
"Who the hell plans a convention in Chicago in February?" Johnny grumbled to himself.
"Don't be such a baby." A voice pulled him out of his thoughts. "It'll be good for you. Build character."
"You only say that because you're from there, Kev." Johnny shot back. "Don't see you being eager to join me."
"Can't get away, babe." Kevin replied with an amused expression as he held out Johnny's toiletry bag. "You know, duty calls."
"Aren't you off the next couple days?" Johnny asked him skeptically as he took the bag from Kevin's outstretched hand.
"Yes, but I still have duties here." Kevin pointed out. "Someone has to pick up your slack."
"You're real funny." Johnny closed his suitcase and picked it up to take it to the door.
"I know." Kevin answered. "That's why you love me."
"Among other reasons." Johnny told him. "Okay, guess that's everything."
"Then let's get you on that plane to the Windy City."
Johnny shuddered at that, much to Kevin's apparent amusement. A plaintive mrow drew his attention.
He bent down to pick up the little black cat, holding her close and lightly scratching her head. "Don't you worry, Shadow. I'll be back before you even know I'm gone."
Shadow butted her head against Johnny's hand, and Johnny gave her one last little squeeze before setting her down. "Okay, now let's go."
"I swear you love that cat more than you love me." Kevin teased him as they got in the car for the drive to the airport.
"You didn't show up on my doorstep wet, bedraggled, and hungry."
"Mmm, I think that is how you showed up on mine." Kevin countered.
"And yet, you took me in." Johnny answered with a smile.
"And only regretted it slightly." Kevin answered with a smile of his own.
Johnny merely shook his head at that. He had moved in with Kevin during a rare rainstorm in the San Diego area and had been an absolute mess afterward. Cleaning up afterward had been, well, memorable.
After a relatively short drive, Kevin pulled up to the entrance of the terminal, putting the car in park for a moment and leaning over to give Johnny a long hug. "Okay, have fun. Learn lots. And if by some odd chance you see Roy—"
"I'm not gonna see him." Johnny cut him off.
Kevin let out a short sigh. "Then you should call him when you get back."
"I will." Johnny gave him a quick kiss. "I've gotta go."
"Okay. Love you."
"Love you, too."
Johnny climbed out of the car and pulled his suitcase from the back seat, giving Kevin one more quick wave before turning and entering the terminal.
Before he knew it, he was on the plane and taking off. He couldn't help but imagine what would happen if Roy showed up at the convention.
But that was so unlikely he might as well not even entertain the possibility. No, he'd get in touch with Roy once he got back from the convention.
That is, if Roy even wanted to hear from him.
# # #
Roy winced as the blast of wind smacked him in the face the moment he stepped out of the cab at the hotel. He'd known Chicago would be cold, but he was ill-prepared for just how cold it would be.
He made his way to the front desk and put down his suitcase, greeting the clerk with a firm nod. "Hello, reservation for DeSoto?"
The clerk ran a finger down the reservation book, nodding when she found Roy's name. "Room Two Thirty. Here's your key. There's a free continental breakfast in the dining room every morning, check out is at eleven. Enjoy your stay."
"Thank you." Roy took his key, picked up his suitcase, and headed for the elevator that would take him to his room. He'd get settled, call Joanne, and probably find himself something to eat before crashing for the evening.
He couldn't help but think about the last convention he had attended with Johnny in San Francisco. Johnny had bugged him half to death trying to get him to go out somewhere with him before giving up and settling in to watch that Polish art film.
That had been quite a trip. Johnny had spent half the trip dodging that nurse, what was her name? Ellen, that was it. The next evening, Johnny had disappeared completely, returning later in a much more cheerful mood. He had shrugged casually and answered noncommittally when Roy had asked him about his evening.
"What, are you jealous?" Johnny had teased him.
"Of course not." Roy had replied. "Just curious, that's all."
Roy wondered, looking back, if he hadn't been just a little jealous. After all, Johnny was the freewheeling single guy, able to take full advantage of whatever nightlife the city had to offer. Whether he had any luck in that regard was a different story, but he'd clearly gotten lucky that time.
Wouldn't it be something if Johnny showed up here? At least then he'd finally get to see his friend and former partner again.
He hadn't realized how much he would miss Johnny when he left. They had started to drift apart somewhat before that, not long after Roy had made captain and Johnny had decided to stick with the paramedic team. Sure, they had tried to stay in touch, but then they had ended up on opposite shifts, and it became nearly impossible to get together.
It was still a shock when, on one of the rare occasions they were all able to get together, Johnny announced that he was taking a new job near San Diego.
To say Roy was surprised was an understatement. He and Joanne had a million questions, and aside from assuring the kids that he wasn't moving that far away, really, he had dodged most of them.
Johnny had been so oddly secretive about the whole thing. Three years later and Roy was still wondering, especially now that he hardly ever heard from Johnny.
That was partly his own fault, Roy knew that. How many times had Joanne nagged Roy to just call him, for God's sake, stop moping and just call him.
But he could never bring himself to do it. Too much time had passed and anyway, if Johnny wanted to contact him, he would. The phone worked both ways, after all.
He let himself into the room and set the suitcase on the floor, taking off his coat and tossing it in a nearby chair before taking off his watch to reset it.
Next order of business was a phone call home. He punched in the numbers and waited while it rang.
"DeSoto residence, this is Jennifer."
"Hi, sweetie."
"Dad!" Jenny exclaimed. "Mom! Dad's on the phone!"
There was some murmuring in the background before he heard Joanne's voice. "Hi."
"Hi, Jo." Roy answered, trying to affect a light tone. "Made it in safely."
"Good." Joanne replied. "Any sign of Johnny?"
"No, Jo." Roy told her. "I just got here, anyway."
He heard Joanne take a deep breath and exhale. "Well, if you happen to see him, tell him hello."
"I will. Kids okay?"
"Oh, of course." Joanne answered with a sigh. "Jenny was a bit upset when she got home from school, and you weren't here. Chris isn't home yet."
"Why don't you put Jenny on?" Roy suggested.
"One minute." Joanne told him. "Jenny? Your dad wants to talk to you."
"Hi, Dad." Jenny took over. "How long are you going to be gone?"
"Just for a couple of days." Roy told her. "I'll be back before you know it."
"Is Uncle Johnny there?" Jenny asked. "Mom said Uncle Johnny might be there."
"I haven't seen him." Roy answered. "But if I do, I'll tell him you said hi, okay?"
"Okay." Jenny sighed. There was a long pause before she spoke again. "Hold on, Chris just came home. Chris, Dad's on the phone. He's in Chicago."
Another long pause. "Never mind. Guess he doesn't feel like talking. I've gotta go, Dad. I love you."
"I love you too, sweetie." Roy told her, feeling something twist deep inside him. "Put your mom back on, would you?"
"Sure." Jenny answered. "Mom! Dad wants to talk to you again!"
"For heaven's sake, Jenny. You don't have to yell. Hi, honey." Joanne took over again.
Roy let out a quiet sigh of relief. Maybe whatever was bothering her had blown over. "Hi. Just wanted to say good night, and I love you."
There was a long pause. "I love you, too. I'll see you when you get home."
With that, Roy hung up, not feeling much better than when he'd first dialed home. Still, there was nothing for him to do right now. Whatever it was could wait until he got home, and he and Joanne would straighten it out then.
At least, he hoped so.
# # #
Johnny entered the hotel, shivering from the brutal cold. The temperature was bad enough. The wind was enough to take away his will to live. He had no idea how people stood it here.
People could adapt to anything, he supposed.
He approached the desk, nodding to the desk clerk. "Hey, reservation for Gage?"
The desk clerk found his reservation and handed him the key. "Room Four Twenty. There's a free continental breakfast in the dining room every morning, check out is at eleven. Enjoy your stay."
"Thanks." Johnny took the key and made his way to the elevator, closing his eyes as the doors closed. First order of business would be a hot shower.
No, first order of business would be to call Kevin, then the hot shower.
He deeply wished Kevin had come with him. Johnny hated traveling alone, especially now that he had a regular companion. Kevin always found a way to turn the aggravations of travel into an adventure.
Johnny supposed he could find a way to do the same.
He unlocked the room and dropped the suitcase on the bed before making a beeline for the phone and hitting the numbers. After a couple of rings, someone picked up.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Kev."
"You made it!" Kevin's bright and cheerful voice carried through the phone.
"Yeah, and I'm fucking freezing." Johnny told him. "How the hell did you stand it?"
Kevin laughed. "Why do you think I left?"
"Bastard." Johnny grumbled, tucking the receiver between his ear and his shoulder as he shucked off his coat and tossed it aside. "Wish you were here. I'd be a hell of lot warmer."
"And you'd never make it to any of the panels." Kevin chided him. "You know, the whole reason you're there?"
"Right, yeah." Johnny huffed.
There was a brief silence before Kevin spoke again. "Any sign of Roy?"
"I just got here, man." Johnny told him. "I haven't seen anyone yet. About to go take a hot shower and maybe find something to eat."
"Hmm." Kevin responded. "Imagining that almost has me needing a cold shower."
Johnny couldn't help laughing at that. "Keep that up and we'll both need one."
Kevin's laugh turned into a sigh. "I hope you see Roy. It'd be good for you two to catch up."
Johnny huffed at that. "Kev, if he wanted to stay in touch, he would. Phone works both ways."
"Johnny…" Kevin's tone was clear.
"Look, I just don't see any point in going over this again." Johnny cut in. "It happens. One day you're the best of friends and you're part of the family, the next day he's just some guy you worked with. It's okay."
"Except that it's not." Kevin pointed out. "You've barely spoken to him since you moved here."
"And that's my problem, not yours." Johnny argued.
"We're in this together, babe." Kevin argued back. "It's not just your problem. It's ours."
Johnny rolled his eyes. Good thing Kevin couldn't see him. He'd give Johnny hell for that, too. "I'm gonna go. Talk to you later. Love you."
"Love you, too." Kevin answered with a resigned note in his voice.
Johnny hung up and dug out his toiletry bag and a change of clothes from his suitcase before starting the shower. The steam soon enveloped the entire bathroom, and he undressed and stepped in, letting the hot water wash over him.
It sure would be something, running into Roy here. But even if he did, what would he say after all this time? Would they simply pick up where they had left off, or would the years that had passed be too much to overcome?
He turned off the shower, toweled himself off, got dressed. After wiping off the mirror, he got a good look at himself. The strands of silver that Kevin had been giving him a hard time about jumped out at him now, the lines around his eyes and mouth a little more obvious now. Johnny had finally acquiesced to his current department's regulation haircut, and he had to admit that he didn't mind the tidier look, especially when Kevin came up behind him and left those little kisses on the back of his neck.
The memory warmed him almost as much as the shower did, bringing to mind that first time they'd gotten together during the convention in San Francisco a few years before. Kevin had absolutely wrecked him that night, and Johnny had loved every minute of it. Even then, there had been something about the allure of the forbidden, the idea that there was this part of him no one else knew about.
He couldn't help wondering, lookin" bac', If Roy'd had any Idea what had really gone on. Likely not. Probably better that way.
His rumbling stomach was starting to get the better of him. Time to bundle up once again and find himself something to eat.
Johnny tugged on his coat and found the gloves Kevin had lent him, checking to make sure he had his room key and wallet before heading out, locking the door behind him and heading toward the elevator, stepping on with several other people and hitting the button for the ground floor. He let his mind wander a bit, vaguely listening to the conversation of what were surely fellow convention attendees around him.
The elevator stopped at the third floor, then the second. The moment It opened, Johnny recognized someone among the people who stepped on board. The blond hair, thinning and a bit lighter now, and the calm demeanor, that slight smile as he nodded to others on the elevator.
In that instant, that person seemed to recognize him, too, his eyes going wide with a startled expression. "Johnny?"
"Hey, Roy." Johnny answered with what he hoped was a smile. "Long time no see."
# # #
Johnny was here. Roy could scarcely believe what he was seeing. But sure enough, there he was, on the elevator right in front of him. The shorter hair had thrown Roy off, but those eyes and that half-smile were unmistakable.
"Johnny." Roy wanted nothing more than to throw his arms around the man and hug him tightly, but there wasn't room here, and he didn't want to make Johnny uncomfortable with such a display. Instead, he settled for squeezing his way through the crowd on the elevator to stand next to him. "How are you?"
Johnny smiled a little wider and glanced at the floor before looking back over at Roy. "Good, good. Been a long time. What are you doing here?"
"Damned if I know." Roy answered with a short laugh. "They keep sending me to these things. Part of the legacy, McConnike says."
"He's still in charge, huh?"
"Yeah, he's not going anywhere." Roy replied. "What about you?"
"Drew the short straw." Johnny answered casually. "Department wanted to send someone to represent us, and I guess it was just my turn."
"Yeah, I suppose February in Chicago isn't anyone's idea of a good time." Roy told him as the elevator arrived at the ground floor and everyone spilled out.
"Sure as hell isn't mine." Johnny shook his head. "Whoever planned this ought to be taken out and shot."
Roy couldn't help laughing at that. Some things about Johnny clearly hadn't changed. "Suppose we could find somewhere to eat and catch up."
Johnny nodded. "Yeah, I'd like that."
The two men stepped out of the hotel and were immediately assaulted by the icy cold wind, snowflakes stinging Roy's face. Johnny's face scrunched up as he pulled up the collar on his coat. "Man, this is ridiculous."
"Good thing the convention is at the hotel." Roy commented. "Not sure I want to be out and about for much else."
Johnny's face unscrunched a little and smoothed out into a little smile. "You remember that trip to Seattle?"
"Sure do." Roy answered. "You complained about the snow then, too."
"I'm not made for it, Roy." Johnny huffed irritably.
In so many ways, it was as if no time had passed. But Roy knew there was an awful lot left unsaid between them. Maybe, just maybe, they could put it all out on the table, as it were, and pick up what was left of their friendship.
That is, if there was anything left to pick up.
"This looks good." Johnny's voice pulled Roy out of his thoughts.
Roy looked up to see the sign for a steakhouse. "Sounds good. Especially if you're buying."
Johnny scoffed. "Still making firefighter wages, Roy. And not even as much as I was making before."
"Ah well, it was worth a shot." Roy answered casually. "Thought you might someday pay me back for all those hot dogs and hamburgers I bought."
Johnny's smile immediately faded. "I mean, if it's that important to you…"
"Forget it, Johnny." Roy quickly backtracked. "I was kidding. You don't owe me anything."
Johnny's expression relaxed once again, something about it taking Roy back to those days in the squad, when they'd talk about anything and everything, Johnny punctuating every point with those expansive gestures and his animated expressions.
God, Roy hadn't realized how much he had missed that about Johnny. His life these days was so much quieter and less chaotic without Johnny in it, but maybe Roy needed that little bit of chaos.
It sure had made things a lot more interesting.
They were directed to the bar to wait for a table, and Johnny flagged down the bartender for a pair of beers. The bartender set a bottle in front of each of them, and Roy suddenly found himself unsure how to proceed. He had so many questions for Johnny that he barely knew where to start.
"So hey, how's Jo?" Johnny asked. "And the kids. Bet they're growing like weeds."
"Just talked to Jenny when I got here, actually." Roy answered. This was good, safe ground. Roy was only too happy to talk about the kids. "They're good. Chris graduates next year, just in time for Jenny to start high school. She's boy crazy, of course. All I hear about is this boy and that boy and all those bands on MTV. I don't get it myself. They're all in makeup and look like a bunch of girls to me. Doesn't even sound like real music."
Johnny let out a laugh as his fingers traced around the beer bottle. "Sure is different, isn't it? Not like the stuff we used to listen to, remember?"
"Yeah." Roy couldn't help watching Johnny's fingers, delicate and graceful, play with the bottle. "And Chris, well, he's looking at colleges. We're trying to convince him to stay close to home. You know, USC, UCLA, those schools. So, tell me why he came home the other day with a brochure from the University of Michigan?"
Johnny's eyebrows shot up. "He trying to run away from home?"
"No idea." Roy shook his head. "He's gung-ho on the idea of pre-med, and as far as that goes, U of M has a great program. Unless he can get a lot of scholarships, though, that's going to be expensive."
"Yeah, I can imagine." Johnny frowned slightly before taking a drink from his bottle.
Roy heard Johnny's name called for a table, and they found the hostess, who seated them at their table. "Your server will be right with you."
"Thanks." Roy nodded, opening the menu.
Johnny glanced at him over his own open menu. "So, what about Jo? How's she doing?"
"She's…she's good." Roy answered carefully. "Talking about getting some kind of part-time job now that the kids are almost grown. I don't see why. It's not as if I'm not making enough to support us."
"Maybe she's bored." Johnny offered. "You know, with the kids being older, maybe there's just not as much for her to do."
"I guess." Roy shrugged. "But she could do all kinds of volunteer work. God knows she does enough already. Don't see why she has to get a paying job."
Johnny arched an eyebrow. "You guys talk about it?"
"Of course we have, Johnny." Roy answered a little more sharply than he'd intended. "We're just not…we're not getting anywhere with it. Ah hell, I didn't come here to complain about Jo. She's great. It's just…well, I don't know. We've hit this rough patch, I guess."
He hadn't intended for everything to come spilling out, but there was no stopping it now.
Johnny merely nodded, his expression unreadable for a change. "Suppose that's just what happens. How long have you guys been married, twenty years?"
"A little more than that, but yeah." Roy nodded. "I don't know. Something's changed."
Johnny looked thoughtful for a moment. "Well, I'm the wrong one to give you advice. Learned that lesson a long time ago."
Roy shook his head. "The spaghetti."
"The spaghetti." Johnny smiled and let out a short laugh. "You know, I still make that from time to time."
"Jo does, too." Roy answered before he realized what Johnny had said. "Wait, you cook?"
"Sure." Johnny almost looked offended. "Guy's gotta, uh, feed himself, you know?"
"I'll be damned." Roy commented. "Will wonders never cease?"
"Funny." Johnny huffed and rolled his eyes.
The server showed up and took their orders along with their menus, leaving almost as quickly as she'd appeared.
"So, hey, what about you?" Johnny asked. "Aside from, uh, your marital strife."
Roy shrugged. "Doing okay. Same old, same old. Still captain over at Thirty-Six. Not much else to say. More curious about you."
Johnny paused with the beer bottle raised partway to his lips, looking slightly downcast as he set it down. "What do you want to know?"
Roy didn't know where to start. "I don't know. Everything, I guess."
Johnny managed a slight smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "What, over the last three years? How long have you got?"
For you, all the time in the world. The thought caught Roy completely off-guard. Where the hell had that come from?
He managed what he hoped was a smile of his own. "Seems we've got the whole night at our disposal."
Johnny leaned back a little in his chair, looping an arm over the back as he once again played with the beer bottle. "Suppose it's my own fault, you know, for not keeping in touch."
"You weren't alone in that." Roy told him.
Johnny's eyes slid to the bottle, his expression turning thoughtful again. "I didn't mean to just up and disappear. Once I took the new job and moved, I guess I just got busy. It wasn't like I forgot about you."
Roy couldn't help chuckling a little, even as something squeezed in his chest at Johnny's words. "I know you didn't. She must be pretty special if you dropped everything to be with her. What's her name?"
Johnny's eyes flicked up to meet Roy's, and he shifted so that his arms and elbows rested on the table, leaning in. "His."
Roy was completely thrown. "What?"
Johnny leaned in closer. "His. His name is Kevin. Jesus, Roy. You think I would have kept it to myself if it was a girl?"
Suddenly, so much of his and Johnny's partnership made sense, all those pieces clicking into place. The casual intimacy between them, all the little touches and gestures and inside jokes that had become part and parcel of their working relationship, the way that had become a very real friendship.
And now maybe, Roy was realizing, something a little more than that, and not just on Johnny's end. No wonder it had hurt so much to not see Johnny every shift, no wonder that when he'd had the opportunity to go to San Francisco with Johnny, he'd jumped at the chance.
But now, Roy had even more questions. He leaned across the table toward Johnny. "How did you even meet him?"
Johnny glanced around for a moment before continuing. "You remember that convention we went to in San Francisco?"
"Yeah." Roy nodded. "That night when you came in looking like something the cat dragged in."
Johnny smiled a little at that. "Yeah. He was why. Met at one of the panels and kinda hit it off."
The server showed up just then with their meals, and they ate in companionable silence at first, though Roy was still trying to comprehend the entire thing while trying to understand why he himself was so increasingly bothered. After all, it wasn't as if he had wanted Johnny for himself. By that point, they had already started to drift apart, any lingering feelings Roy had for Johnny fading well into the background to the point that he barely thought of Johnny at all.
And why would he? He had a wife who loved him, two children that meant the world to him. What more could he possibly need?
Roy already knew the answer to that, and that answer was sitting right in front of him, tucking into his meal as if he hadn't just dropped a bomb right between them.
The server breezed in to exchange one set of empty beer bottles for another, and now that they were most of the way through the meal, they had managed to fall into bits of casual conversation. But Roy couldn't help wanting to know more, to try and understand Johnny.
Maybe by doing so, he could better understand himself.
# # #
Johnny kept sneaking looks across the table at Roy as he ate, looking for any sign of the other man's reaction to his revelation. So far, he had seemed mildly surprised, but not upset.
But God, it was always so hard to tell with Roy. There were few things that seemed to bother him, but Johnny had been sure this would have been one of them. Hell, he'd had a hard time with it himself, even after he had made that decision to leave Los Angeles to be with Kevin.
He had realized after that first night with Kevin that he'd had some of those same feelings for Roy, for all the good they would have done him. It was just as well, Johnny figured, that he and Roy had started to drift apart once their partnership was over. It made things easier, even if he missed Roy and his family badly.
Even now, sitting across from Roy, some of those old feelings were making themselves known. Not that Johnny would try to do anything about them, of course. As far as he was concerned, he and Roy were friends. Very close friends, almost as close as brothers at one time, but nothing more.
Besides, acting on whatever feelings were still there was no longer safe. Even in the best of times, it was a risky proposition. These days, it could be downright deadly.
Roy finished his meal first, taking a long drink from his beer before studying Johnny from across the table. If Johnny was reading him right, it would only be a matter of time before Roy would start asking questions. It was what he'd been trying to avoid back when he had first decided to make the move, but now that Johnny had finally told him, he supposed there was no point in avoiding those questions now.
The server brought the bill to the table, and before Johnny could grab It, Roy picked it up and pulled out his wallet. "Roy, I can get it. It's no problem."
"I don't mind." Roy smiled slightly, pulling a card out of his wallet and tucking it into the small pocket.
Suddenly, it was as if he and Roy were transported back to those days in the squad, when Johnny often felt as if he were a kid compared to Roy, despite only the couple of years that separated them. Roy was the settled family man, the adult, whereas Johnny was forever the overgrown kid.
Johnny went for his own wallet, pulling out cash and handing it across the table to Roy.
Roy looked puzzled. "What's this for?"
"For my share." Johnny answered, continuing to hold the cash out to him.
Roy shook his head. "That's not necessary."
"Take it." Johnny told him more firmly.
Roy seemed to take notice of Johnny's tone, finally reaching across to take the cash from Johnny's outstretched fingers and tucking it into his wallet. "I'll take it off your account."
Johnny huffed at that, choosing to ignore Roy's slightly condescending tone. As long as he accepted the cash, that was all that mattered.
They finished their beers while the server took the bill and returned with Roy's card. Roy signed the receipt and tucked his card back into his wallet before glancing at Johnny.
"Suppose we could walk around a bit if you're up to it." He offered.
Johnny wasn't thrilled about walking around in this weather, but it was probably better that they had what was left of this conversation out there as opposed to, well, anywhere else where someone could overhear.
Or, alternatively, in either of their hotel rooms. Johnny didn't entirely trust the outcome.
"Sure." Johnny answered casually. "Walking around will keep us warm, right?"
Roy smiled slightly at that. "Right."
They both bundled up again and left the steakhouse, the wind having slowed down now, a few snowflakes drifting down from the night sky as the rest of the city hustled around them.
It was beautiful in its own way, Johnny supposed, but he understood better why Kevin had come west. Good thing, too. Otherwise they might never had met.
They started walking in silence before Roy broke it. "So, you really left for a guy, huh?"
Johnny took a deep breath and exhaled. "Yeah. Yeah, I did."
Roy was silent for a moment, seemingly still considering that. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Have you always been, you know, that way?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean…" Roy seemed to choose his words carefully. "…you know."
"Christ, Roy. You can say it." Johnny huffed irritably. "Queer? Gay? A flaming homosexual?"
"Come on, Johnny." Roy sounded as annoyed as Johnny felt.
Johnny gave himself a moment to collect himself. Lashing out at Roy wouldn't do any good. "Yeah, I suppose I always have been. Both men and women. Bisexual, they call it."
"I've heard the term." Roy replied dryly. "Jo watches that damn Donahue all the time. He's had those people on."
Those people. Was that really how Roy thought of him? Johnny now regretted ever saying anything.
"You could have told me, you know." Roy told him.
"No, I couldn't have." Johnny argued. "You have any idea what kind of problems that would have caused? I'd have been out on my ass so fast it wouldn't have been funny. As it is I still kinda have to be, you know, quiet about it."
"I wouldn't have told anyone." Roy argued back. "And hell, who knows? Maybe if you had told me then, well…things could have been different."
Johnny stopped in his tracks. "What are you trying to say?"
Roy had walked a few steps ahead before he seemed to realize Johnny was no longer right beside him. He turned around and walked back until he was practically nose to nose with Johnny. "Seeing you again after all this time made me, well, realize some things."
"Like what?"
Roy frowned slightly, looking off into the distance, his hands shoved into his coat pockets. "That there was more between us than just, well, a partnership. More than a friendship."
Something stirred in Johnny, though he wasn't sure what it was. A mix of anger, hurt, maybe just a little sympathy for Roy. "Roy, don't do this. Not now."
"Don't you get it?" Roy's tone was deceptively even. "Things just, I don't know, make sense now. You know, in a way they didn't then."
"Jesus Christ, Roy." A gust of wind hit the back of Johnny's neck, and he turned up the collar of his coat against it. "Why even say anything now? What good does it do?"
Roy shook his head, his eyes slightly downcast, and Johnny couldn't help feeling a little sorry for him. As much as he struggled with living somewhat openly, he knew that there was no such possibility for Roy, even if he wanted to.
Johnny let out a short sigh, moving a little closer to Roy. "Listen. If you had told me this ten, hell, even five years ago, I wouldn't have hesitated. Probably would have jumped your bones right there in the squad, consequences be damned. But now? No way. Not worth the risk."
Roy seemed to take that in, finally acknowledging Johnny's words with a nod. "You're probably right."
Johnny felt the anger leave him almost as quickly as it had rushed in. "Look, whatever is going on with you and Jo, you need to figure that out. Don't give up on her. That's too many years to just throw away."
Roy managed a slight smile. "Listen to you, giving me marriage advice. You're not even married."
"I'm as close to it as I can be." Johnny told him. "We can head back to the hotel when you're ready."
"I'm ready now." Roy answered. "My toes are about to freeze off."
Johnny couldn't help laughing. "See? You're not made for this, either."
Roy sighed and shook his head as they returned to the hotel and got on the elevator. It was surprisingly empty, and Johnny took the opportunity to pull Roy in close and wrap his arms around him. "I do love you, Roy." He told him quietly. "Probably just not in the way you want me to."
Roy, much to Johnny's surprise, returned the embrace. "Just as well."
The elevator door opened on Roy's floor, and Roy let Johnny go, pausing just before he stepped off, holding back the door with his hand. "If you want to meet up to go to some panels tomorrow, let me know. I'm in room Two Thirty."
"I'd like that." Johnny answered. "I'll even buy you lunch if you want."
Roy smiled a little at that. "Okay. See you around."
"See ya."
With that, Roy stepped off and let the door close behind him, and Johnny let out a rough sigh. He wasn't sure if they had managed to patch things up, or if they had made things that much harder.
Only time would tell, Johnny supposed.
# # #
Roy returned home to a quiet house. The rest of the convention had gone surprisingly well once he and Johnny had managed to clear the air, and it had almost been like old times.
Saying goodbye to Johnny had been harder than he'd expected, even as they promised to keep in better touch with each other. "You and Jo should come down and see our place." Johnny had told him. "Once you two get things figured out, you know. Bring the kids, too."
"We will." Roy had responded, only slightly surprised when Johnny wrapped his arms around him, holding on to him for a long moment.
He hadn't expected to feel so oddly empty when Johnny had let him go, turning back briefly to flash that little half-smile, waving before trotting off to catch his cab to the airport.
Roy could finally admit to himself that he loved Johnny, too, and that there was no shame in that. It didn't mean he loved Joanne any less. It just meant that Johnny was still very much a part of him, as much a part of his family as Joanne and the kids were.
There was still that part to deal with. Johnny had made some good points that Roy hadn't considered. Maybe Joanne was feeling bored and taken for granted. Roy could hardly blame her once he really thought about it. After all, she was just always there, always taking care of everything so that Roy didn't have to think about it.
He did wonder how Johnny and Kevin navigated such things. Maybe there was some lesson there that Roy could take. He'd have to ask the next time he talked to Johnny.
The next time. The thought made a smile spread across Roy's face. There would be a next time, Roy would make sure of that.
Roy noticed a flashing light on the answering machine next to the phone, and he pushed the playback button.
"Hey, Roy." Johnny's voice came out of the machine. "Uh, Christ, I hate talking to a machine. Anyway, I made it home. Told Kevin about seeing you. He can't wait to meet you. Uh, hug the kids for me and tell Jo I said hi. Talk to you later, I guess. Bye."
Roy let out a short laugh, rewinding the tape and playing it again. There was something oddly comforting about hearing Johnny's voice, even knowing they were likely to talk again before long.
"You're home." Joanne's voice pulled Roy out of his thoughts.
Roy took a deep breath and exhaled, suddenly nervous. "I am."
"Just in time to help me with these groceries." Joanne's tone was deceptively light.
"Of course."
Roy followed Joanne to the kitchen and started unpacking bags. "You were right. Johnny was there."
"Oh, good." Joanne sounded a bit unsure if it was actually good. "Did you two get to catch up?"
"We did." Roy answered carefully. "He finally told me why he left Los Angeles. Turns out he met someone."
"I figured that had something to do with it." Joanne responded. "Who is she?"
"Not she." Roy replied. "He."
Joanne stood straight up from where she'd been putting items away in the refrigerator. "He?"
"Yes. He." Roy answered. "They met at that last convention Johnny and I went to up in San Francisco, went back and forth between here and San Diego for a couple years before Johnny decided to go be with him."
"Well, isn't that something." Joanne's voice held a note of wonder.
"Yeah, that's why he didn't say who it was." Roy told her. "Thought we'd have an issue with it, I guess."
"I don't know why he thought that."
"I can think of plenty of reasons." Roy countered.
Joanne sighed heavily, closing the refrigerator door and turning to face Roy. "Save it, Roy."
"What do you mean?"
"You know exactly what I mean." Joanne told him. "You think I don't notice things. I notice."
Something clutched at Roy. "I think you're misunderstanding things."
"I'm not." Joanne's tone was sharp. "Roy, I'm not stupid. I could see how you and Johnny were with each other. I always welcomed him here because I knew how important he was to you."
"Jo. You don't think…oh God, no." Roy crossed the kitchen, grasping Joanne's arms lightly. "It's not what you think."
Joanne's chin tilted up slightly, the pain evident on her face. "So, you're going to stand there and tell me nothing ever happened between you two? I watch Donahue, you know. I know how some men lie and go behind their wives' backs."
"That's exactly what I'm telling you." Roy replied insistently. "I love you. I'm committed to us, and this family."
Joanne still regarded him skeptically. "You don't feel anything for Johnny?"
Roy knew that wasn't true, and he couldn't lie to Joanne. "I do. I care for him. He's as much a part of this family as you and the kids. But I'm not going anywhere, and neither is he."
He swallowed hard, his emotions starting to get the better of him. "I don't want to lose you, Jo. You matter too much to me. You're the one that keeps all of this running. Without you, it all falls apart."
"I wish you'd act like it." Joanne replied quietly.
Roy bent down to kiss Joanne's forehead. "I realize I've taken you for granted for a long time. And if you want to find a part-time job, do it. Whatever helps make you happy."
"I don't know if I will." Joanne waved Roy off. "I just see so many of our friends' marriages falling apart, and the husbands just leave their wives with nothing."
"Jo." Roy spoke softly, pulling her in close. "I have no reason to leave. I'm here. I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere, do you hear me?"
"I hear you." Joanne's voice was soft. "I love you."
"I love you, too." Roy replied quietly. "And we'll work together, okay? We're going to be stronger than ever. I promise that."
"Okay." Joanne hugged him tightly before letting him go, and Roy stepped back as well.
She took in a deep, shaky breath before exhaling, meeting Roy's eyes with a watery smile. "I'd like to meet this Kevin."
"We'll arrange it." Roy assured her. "Johnny left a message on the machine. I'll call him back and work it out."
The banging of the door and voices in the living room heralded the arrival of the kids. Jenny immediately spotted Roy and rushed toward him. "Dad!"
"Hi, sweetie." Roy bent down slightly and hugged her tightly. "Guess who I saw at the convention?"
Jenny's eyes lit up. "Uncle Johnny?"
"That's right." Roy nodded. "And there's something I have to tell you. Your Uncle Johnny has, well, he has someone he's living with."
Jenny looked puzzled. "What, like a girlfriend?"
"Not exactly." Roy answered carefully.
Joanne sighed and shook her head. "Jenny, Uncle Johnny has a boyfriend."
Jenny looked surprised for a moment before a broad smile crossed her face. "Oh my God. Really?"
"Really." Roy nodded.
"Oh wow." Jenny raced off again. "Chris, guess what? Uncle Johnny has a boyfriend."
"He has a what?" Chris responded incredulously.
"A boyfriend."
Roy and Joanne looked at each other before they both started laughing. Roy shook his head. "Well, that was easier than I thought it'd be."
"Kids are funny that way." Joanne replied. "They're more accepting of these things than a lot of adults."
"True."
Roy supposed that he had some things to accept about himself, as well. He wouldn't get it all figured out today, but that was okay. With any luck, he and Joanne would have the rest of their lives together, and they would figure things out as they went.
And now that Johnny was back in his life, it felt as if Roy had his whole family back together. Maybe all wasn't right with the world just yet, but right now, it felt a hell of lot closer to it than it did before he'd gone to that convention.
Eventually, it would all be okay.