The yellow sun rose into the sky on a bright Internet Graveyard morning, and the dead memes throughout the land began to stir. Time may have passed differently in that realm compared to the Mushroom Kingdom and other regions of the world outside, but the day/night cycle was still a thing.
Inside the lair of one Super Meme Guardian Three, formerly just known as Super Mario Glitchy Three, the famous SMG3 slowly opened his eyes, and sat up with a yawn. He stretched his arms, then he climbed out of bed, and put his hat back on along with his gloves. Egg Dog, his beloved pet, awoke with a bark, and SMG3 pat him on the head happily.
"Mornin', Egg Dog." The ex-villain said in his thin Australian-accented voice.
"Woof-woof." Egg-Dog barked.
"Yes, you'll get doge meme treats this morning." SMG3 chuckled, "I never forget to feed my majordomo, and I know the way."
Outside the bedroom, a pair of Ugandan Knuckles memes snickered amongst each other. "He doesn't know the way." One Knuckles quipped, "He may be our bruddah, and he may say he knows the way, but he doesn't know da wae."
Unaware that he was being mocked by his subjects, SMG3 headed to the bathroom to brush his teeth. But just as he was stepping in front of the mirror, the meme guardian got a good look at his morning reflection, and his eyes popped like lightbulbs. He took a step back, completely alarmed, and put his hands up to his face.
His beard, his evil facial hair, his supervillain goatee and mustache WAS GONE. It had been shaven off! When SMG3 went to bed last night, he had the beard, and it had been shaven away while he was sleeping?!
"WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO ME?!" The shaved SMG3 exclaimed, his exclamation an echo to the very one that an orange haired girl had many years before after a massive life-changing event.
Someone had shaved him, without his consent, and SMG3 needed to know who'd done this to him.
In the Showgrounds, somewhere in the Mushroom Kingdom, SMG4 was in his room at the large glorified fun house that was the SMG4 Castle, watching funny Spider-Man memes from years past, and getting a good laugh from them. Man, superheroes getting turned into internet jokes NEVER got old.
"My back!" Spider-Man cried after a fall.
SMG4 laughed. "Comedy gold." The meme man quipped with delight.
Just then, the door slammed open, and SMG4 quickly shut off his computer as someone with a face similar to his own entered the room, looking straight at him with red eyes. For a moment, SMG4 thought he was looking at a clone, then he realized it was SMG3 as he saw the purple and dark color tones of his hat and overalls.
"SMG4..." SMG3 said half-menacingly.
The meme man gulped. Did his ex-nemesis go insane, and was he about to slip back into very evil patterns? That voice did not sound friendly.
"YOU GOTTA HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" SMG3 shrieked, grabbing SMG4 with wide eyes and shaking him, "SOMEONE STOLE MY BEARD, AND I LIKE MY BEARD, IT'S SO EVIL AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH! I DIDN'T ASK FOR A SHAVE, BUT SOMEONE SHAVED ME WHILE I WAS SLEEPING, AND I'M INCLINED TO SUSPECT YOU..."
"Whoa, whoa, slow down!" SMG4 begged, "What happened?"
"My beard was shaved off..." SMG3 put down the meme man, "...And I NEVER shave. I had the beard last night when I went to bed. I didn't shave it off in the bathroom or anywhere else, I was finishing up a stream, then I went to take a piss, and then I washed up and went to bed. There was no time for me to have shaven myself."
"Well, I didn't shave the beard, dude." SMG4 chuckled, "And I can tell it's preeeeetty embarrassing."
"Not as embarrassing as... the two of us going nutso in the freaking igloo, walrus flop-bumping each other." SMG3 said with a gulp, "If anyone EVER finds out that I lost my beard, it'll be very humiliating. And, if I had shaved off my beard, it would have very likely been part of an evil plan to impersonate you."
"Except the red eyes would be a give-away." SMG4 pointed out.
"HELP ME FIX THIS!" SMG3 begged.
The meme man groaned, then he comforted his old nemesis, agreeing to help him. He pitied SMG3 for the situation that he was going through, but getting a beard back wasn't easy. If a guy was gonna get it back, he'd have to let it grow back for days without shaving even once. Hair was sometimes a pain to grow back, but it was never really a big hassle.
First and foremost, the meme guardians had to find out who was behind the shaving crime. SMG4 thought about the identity of the culprit, and he departed his room with SMG3, heading right to the gaming room to find a certain fat Italian playing video games.
"MARIO!" SMG4 shouted, "DID YOU SHAVE SMG3'S BEARD?!"
"Oh no..." Mario exclaimed, "SMG3, you lost your beard?!"
"Yes, idiot!" SMG3 slapped the plumber across the face, "You have a track record with pranks AND YOU PROBABLY WENT AND SHAVED MY BEARD OFF WITHOUT WAKING ME UP LAST NIGHT, SO SPILL IT!"
"Mario didn't shave anyone's beard."
"WHAT?!" SMG4 and SMG3 yelled.
"Mama mia!" The fat Italian quipped, "Why would I go to-a the trouble of shaving SMG3's beard? If I were into shaving, you'd see me without-a my mustache now and-a then, and I would have shaved Luigi's mustache too. I think SMG3 looks very sexy with that beard, it's-a a fact that-a no one can resist seeing sexy body hair on-a guys like-a us."
"Ew!" SMG4 protested.
"What?!" SMG3 asked, "Mario's being honest here."
"As much as I would like to help you with the situation involving your beard, SMG3, I do not want to be thinking about pubic hair..." SMG4 told his ex-foe, "I can handle the topic of facial hair, but I really, really, REALLY do not WANT TO THINK ABOUT HAIR ON ANY OTHER PART OF THE BODY!"
"Pingas." Mario quipped.
"CASE OF POINT, SPAGHETTI-HEAD!" SMG4 slapped the fat Italian silly.
SMG3 clicked his fingers, "Guys, we're losing focus. My beard is the only hair we should be discussing, not spaghetti noodle hair or hairy arms or monkey hair or human torso hair or any other hair, just my facial hair that was my beard that someone shaved off. AND CAN WE THINK RATIONALLY BEFORE WE GO ACCUSE SOMEONE ELSE OF GIVING ME A SHAVE?!"
"Was it Swag and Chris who shaved you?" Mario suggested.
"Oi!" SMG4 protested.
-Meanwhile-
Chris Gordman stood guard near a door in an old military base. Guarding it was important, especially with the nuclear stockpile that had not been used in ages. Until someone came to clear it out, nobody was allowed entry, and those nuclear weapons were still dangerous if they fell into the wrong hands.
Just then, Swagmaster stepped towards him, partially leaving his post. "Hey, Chris. Can I give you a shave?" The guard asked.
"Leave my beard alone, Swag." Chris told him firmly.
"I reckon you'd look pretty good without that beard."
"Cut it out or I'll shave your mustache!"
"Ha! You can't stop my shaving, especially since I shaved off your mom's hair last night."
"Shut up, hair pervert!" Chris shook his fist at his associate.
"Watch out, here comes Swag the Shaver!" Swag brought out a shaver and moved towards Chris, determined to shave his beard, and the black-haired guard let out a shriek of fear at the prospect of his college shaving his face.
-Back at The Showgrounds-
An idea burst into SMG4's head. "Hey, wait a second. Don't you have security cameras in your lair?" He asked SMG3, "Why don't we check the potential footage?"
"Now why didn't I think of that...?" SMG3 remarked, face brightening up a little.
"Because you panicked over your facial hair being stolen, Paisano." Mario said in an unhelpful manner.
SMG3 rolled his eyes and pulled out his phone, then he selected a file that was appropriately titled as 'Evening Security Footage'. He blipped on a feed that had to be from the previous night, and camera footage showed the bearded meme guardian going to bed with his Egg Dog.
"Good night, Egg Dog." Pre-Shave SMG3 said to his pet.
Egg Dog barked.
The bearded ex-villain fell asleep, and he seemed relatively happy. The footage cut out, then it cut back in, showing Pre-Shave SMG3 sleeping soundly along with Egg Dog. Nothing seemed to happen in the room for a time, then the sound of a door creaking open was heard. Moments later, an Ugandan Knuckles moved towards the bed with a cloth in hand.
Egg Dog made a sleepy whimper sound, but didn't move a ton afterwards. The echidna jumped into the bed, and put the cloth over Pre-Shave SMG3's face. The guardian didn't wake up, and he kept sleeping. The Ugandan Knuckles then turned around, and moved its arm, as if he was gesturing for someone to come over.
Another Ugandan Knuckles made its appearance in the footage, holding a shaver in his gloved hand. The echidna climbed onto the bed, and its associate held SMG3's head, a move that the former villain didn't resist in his sleep.
"He doesn't know da wae." The Ugandan Knuckles remarked.
"C'mon, bruddah." The other one quipped.
The shaver buzzed to live, and the Ugandan Knuckles ran it all over SMG3's face, starting on the left side, followed by the right, and the middle. Seconds later, the echidnas left the room, leaving SMG3 without a beard, and the footage soon ended.
"WHAT?!" SMG4 yelled.
"I... Wh..." SMG3 stammered, "This... How could they... Damn, I forgot that prank trends were popular in the Internet Graveyard, but I DIDN'T ASK TO BE THE SUBJECT OF A SHAVING PRANK! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?! DO THOSE TWO THINK THEY'LL BE KARMA HOUDINIS JUST BECAUSE I'M THEIR NUMBER ONE CELEBIRTY!"
"Eeerrgh, stupid mamaf***ers!" Mario protested, "LET ME AT 'EM! LET ME AT 'EM! LET ME AT 'EM!"
"Easy, Mario." SMG4 placed a hand on the plumber's shoulders, "I think it's best to let SMG3 handle this, he's the king of the Internet Graveyard, and he's the one looking after the folks who shaved off his beard."
In the Internet Graveyard, the Ugandan Knuckles shaver chuckled as he ran the shaver on some grass. He shut off the device and turned to his associate, the one who'd helped keep SMG3 asleep long enough to shave that beard off, and the two red echidnas giggled with glee.
"Do you know da wae?" An Ugandan Knuckles asked.
"My bruddah can know da wae." The Shaver quipped back.
"HEY!"
SMG3 approached, fists clenched, and teeth gritted with fury as he glared at the red echidnas with fury.
"YOU THINK IT WAS FUNNY?!" He shouted, "YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST GET AWAY WITH IT, SHAVING MY BEARD WITHOUT MY PERMISSION?! LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE, AND YOU BOYS ARE IN BIG TROUBLE, YOU HEAR ME!"
"Oh shit!" The Ugandan Knuckles' exclaimed.
The meme guardian took a deep breath, and then, he whipped out a railgun and opened fire with a mad laugh as the pranksters got what pranksters deserved...
The End