Jpov
I was starting to think there was something wrong with me. Apart from the magic that seemed just as likely to kill me as it was to heal me, or the general 'fried' condition of my organs.
Barely an hour into my mandatory confinement with Harper's fiancé and her brother, and I was already wishing Zeus had just put me out of my misery.
Charlie let out a noise of satisfaction and high-fived his best friend as his character dunked the ball on screen.
'Honestly, didn't those two get enough of basketball at school?' I thought wryly.
They were college athletes after all, their lives were consumed with it. You'd think they'd want a break over the summer.
Maybe it would have been different if I'd grown up with them, but I found that unlike most people it seemed, I didn't particularly enjoy video games. They were boring, the controls frankly confusing, and I found their pace of events irritating and slow.
"Pass the ball." Ashton snapped, clearly annoyed as my character dropped it.
"I don't know how to do that Wells." I pointed out and he made an exasperated gesture.
"It's the top button. We've told you a million times."
"This is idiotic."
"Quit bickering." Charlie said rolling his eyes, tapping his controller in a series of rapid motions and his player picked up the ball. "Or else Harper is going to get mad, and we'll all be in trouble."
I grinned.
"Scared of your sister Davis?"
"As he should be." Ashton muttered, but he was grinning a little and I weighed a retort that I knew would be unwelcome, but the expression of genuine affection, and my promise to Libby forced me to let it go.
They both looked at me.
"No comments?" Ashton asked suspiciously, obviously expecting one.
All day he'd had his back up, waiting for a response. It was irritating, but manageable as long as I kept my mouth shut.
I shook my head.
It was Charlie's turn to look surprised.
"We're supposed to be a team, aren't we?" I asked gesturing towards the screen.
They both stared at me, Charlie's expression blank, Ashton's suspicious, but neither argued and we continued to play.
"How goes, it?" a familiar voice asked and I looked up to see Harper had walked into the room, Lucy and Libby only a step behind.
"I suck." I said flatly and Charlie laughed while Ashton said.
"He really does."
"But you're stationary." Harper pointed out.
"Maybe sports games aren't your thing." Libby suggested charitably, looking, as always, to diffuse the tension in the room. "You could try an RPG."
"A what?"
"A role-playing game, genius." Lucy explained and I felt my eyebrows dart up.
"Get your mind out of the gutter James." Harper said with disapproval. Libby laughed while Lucy shot me a smirk. "It's a type of video game."
"I actually have one you might like." Libby said trying to hide her smile as we all turned to looked at her. "Basically, all you do is go around fighting cool looking monsters."
"Interesting."
"Hold on a second."
She walked towards her room only to come back holding a what looked like a travel case. From it, she pulled an odd looking device and pressed a few buttons. The screen lit up and she held it out for me to take, smiling a little when she caught my expression.
"Here."
"This screen is tiny."
"You can hook it up to the monitor." Lucy said clearly recognizing the device.
She took it and slid it into a stand I'd never known the use of, and the television screen transitioned from a basketball court to a loading bar as the game started.
"I dunno Libby." Ashton said with a frown. "This game is kind of hard and he's not that good at video games."
I felt a surge of irritation at this, along with a stab of resentful determination.
"I'll check it out." I said taking the absurd controllers Libby handed me, resolved to beat the game even if I hated it. Just to shut him up.
"Now you've done it." Charlie said grinning at Ashton. "You've made him mad."
He shrugged and stood, glancing at Harper before starting to walk towards her.
Figuring it was advisable to end on a better note, I said.
"Thanks. For, you know, keeping an eye on me when Libby couldn't. Not letting me die."
Immediately the room went silent, the air rigid with tension and Ashton, clearly uncertain how to handle the statement said.
"Yeah, sure. No problem."
He sounded extremely awkward, and I was rewarded as Libby shot me a small, but appreciative smile.
She dropped down on the couch next to me, opening her laptop, apparently interested in watching the game and I couldn't help but feel a small sense of satisfaction when she bumped her knee against mine, in an obvious gesture of appreciation.
I didn't think anyone had noticed, and I found I sort of preferred it that way.
It appeared as if the afternoon hadn't been a waste after all.
And that was the how the rest of the day went. Libby typing away at her laptop, editing and organizing the information being added by Harper and Lucy, occasionally wondering aloud to bounce ideas off me, pausing every so often to teach me how to play the game or ask me a question about something someone added to the document.
It was surprisingly pleasant.
"You are getting way too into this." Libby said several hours later watching as I went back and forth across the game menus, comparing weapons.
"I have a bow that shoots lightning." I said pretending to frown at her. "Any argument you make is irrelevant."
She grinned.
"My character could crush yours."
"Just wait until I actually learn how to dodge." I said as my character tried to jump and was smacked to the corner of the screen. "Then we'll see who's laughing."
"You know, I thought you'd be good at this." She said eyeing me with apparent interest. "Considering you've got like, mega senses, but your hand eye coordination is atrocious."
"My hand eye coordination is excellent." I said offended. "My hand, eye, controller coordination could use a little work…"
She smirked.
"A lot of work."
"Well excuse me for having my entire nervous system short circuited."
"I tested your reflexes." She pointed out. "You're as fast as you ever were."
"You just love to insult me, don't you?" I asked her and she laughed.
"Someone has to." She countered. "If everyone loved you as much as they did at the dinner the other night you'd be too powerful."
"Dunno if it was everyone." I said skeptically. "Your friend Hunter didn't seem too pleased with me."
She rolled her eyes.
"He'll get over it."
We were alone in the living area, Ashton and Charlie having gone a while ago to get back to camp before the campfire to keep track of their cabins. Both Lucy and Harper had been in and out throughout the day, but I found that right now, I was happy to have the space. Everyone leaving me and Libby alone. And while I'd never understood the appeal of video games, usually forcing myself to find something productive to do, there was something pleasant about sitting on the couch with her, her occasionally commenting on the game and watching my progress, discussing the benefits of various stat combinations for the character, and helping with customization.
Before I knew it, several hours had passed and I was about to ask her how the hell I was supposed to finish the current mission when I felt something drop on to my shoulder.
I looked down to see Libby had fallen asleep, her laptop still open to her notes that I saw Harper was editing.
I smiled.
The door opened and I looked over my shoulder to see Lucy walking in, clearly about to say something but stopped when she spotted Libby, obviously surprised to find her asleep.
She then beamed.
I shot her a look, but she simply returned it with a superior expression and put her finger to her lips. She made rather a show of creeping to her bed room, shooting me a wink before quietly closing the door.
I sighed figuring it was probably better for everyone's sake if I woke Libby up, but when I glanced down only to see her expression relaxed and untroubled, I just couldn't bring myself to disturb her.
I continued to play despite my eyes straining from staring at screen for so long. My body was still sore from the clobbering it had taken from Zeus, and my head hurt from trying to remember all of the controls, but I didn't turn off the console. Part of the reason was spite due to what Ashton had said, but the game was more fun than I expected it to be. Maybe it was why Libby played this one rather than digital basketball.
I rubbed my eyes and glanced at my phone, realizing it was almost one in the morning eastern time, the time zone I was most often operating in.
'No wonder Libby had fallen asleep.' I thought vaguely, feeling exhaustion starting to creep through me but ignoring it.
I didn't feel like going to bed or waking Libby. I could play a little longer. I was close to leveling up.
"James! Lucy!" my mother called from the first level. "They're here!"
Grinning, I pushed myself out of bed and stepped into the hall to see Lucy flying towards the stairs.
She thundered down the steps, and practically crashed into the girls stepping through the front door. Both were short, one with dark hair and glasses, the other blonde, with a smile so bright, it could have eclipsed the sun.
Lucy all but screamed, tackling Libby in an embrace, chattering wildly, ecstatic to see her best friend.
I grinned and pulled Harper into a much less chaotic hug.
"Hey mate." I said and she smiled at me looking a little overwhelmed by Lucy's affectionate greetings, but pleased all the same.
"Hey."
"Is Ashton going to kill me for stealing his girlfriend over the summer?" I asked and she grinned, but it was sly.
"He's probably more worried about his sister. But don't worry," she added her expression suddenly exasperated. "He and Charlie are already making plans to visit in July. They're going to embarrass us all on the 4th."
"I look forward to it."
"Oh my god, I'm soooooooo excited you two are finally here!" Lucy said brightly. "There's many things we have to do. I don't know how were going to fit it all in in two months."
She let Libby go and it was Harper's turn to be tackled by my sister.
I smiled, looking at Libby and taking her hand, threading her fingers with mine as she beamed back, excitement in her eyes.
"Welcome to London love."
I woke up to see the living room was dark and I was alone.
Someone, Libby probably, had put a blanket over me. It fell to the floor as I stood, walking quickly to the corridor, feeling my my brain shifting into gear as I attempted to process what had just happened. What it might mean.
This was the first dream I'd remembered having in years that wasn't a nightmare.
Barely conscious of the decision I'd made, I pressed on, feeling almost possessed as I retreated through the main level of the library, increasing my pace with each step through the dimly lit shelves and as I passed the door to Harper's room.
Seeing it gave me a second's pause as I considered my current plan of action, wondering if I should wake her before I shook my head, dismissing the idea.
I walked down the corridor feeling the familiar sensation, a pull of magic as the temperature around me dropped, my body jittery, heart rate spiking, a cold restless sensation spreading throughout me, as something tightened in my chest.
Ignoring the feeling that I was being watched I moved forward, knowing it was ridiculous, but still unable to banish the notion that something was whispering to me in the dark. A force that was just beyond my reach, or a concept that had narrowly eluded my understanding. Waiting for me to come forward and grasp it.
I stepped into the room, and while my vision in the dark was better than most people's, with the exception of a child of Nyx maybe, with the torches out, even I struggled to see the edge of the pool.
Suddenly, the torches lining the room flared to life, aware someone had entered. Light sparkled off the surface of the water, reflecting onto the symbols carved in the stone above me, gems glittering at the bottom of the pool.
I felt something in the back of my mind stir.
Despite the fact it was a part of the library, and that Harper spent so much time here something about this place still felt so... sinister.
I repressed a shudder and hesitated, glancing around the chamber before approaching the edge of the water.
Harper wasn't here. I was almost sure she was asleep and while a part of me knew I should probably wake her, and that she'd put up with the request to try again, I knew she wouldn't be happy about it. Probably try to talk me out of this. Say it was a bad idea.
And with the state of my nerves at the moment, I might just let her.
But if the nightmares had gone for the time being, my mind finally done with replaying the same horrors over and over again almost every night, maybe I was ready for this.
'Don't be a coward.' I thought taking a breath, knowing that if I went to Harper I'd change my mind. 'Stop acting like a scared little kid and just do it.'
I knew messing with this magic was stupid. I'd been trying for years and it had never worked. Probably would never work. Why hadn't I learned this lesson already?
I took a step back from the water, a flash of uncertainty going through me.
I had to stop messing about with magic in our parents world that I didn't control. Didn't understand.
There was every chance that this was going to end poorly.
'But what if it doesn't?' A voice, that didn't completely feel like my own, asked quietly in the silence.
It was soft, soothing almost. Pleasant and gentle.
Not everyone experienced nightmares when they were in the water. Both Ashton and Charlie, when they'd attempted to use the Reflecting Pool like Harper, simply had visions, pleasant ones reflecting things they hadn't admitted to themselves. Hidden hopes or desires.
I thought about the dream, trying to ignore the small, but formidable thrill of excitement that went through me at this thought.
'Even if I did get caught in a vision like the others,' I reasoned to myself. 'That wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.'
I could stand to exist in dream where my family was intact. A world in which Lucy and I still had a relationship with our Mum, where Harper and I could still be friends, my sister and Libby were best friends. Where it was possible that...
But I didn't let myself finish the idea. There was no point in it.
'Still.' I thought distantly, eyes trained on the water. 'It seemed like something I'd survive.'
At least until Harper fished me out. She was bound to notice where I was at some point.
'Don't be a coward.' I thought and, half of me hoping it would work, the other half hoping it wouldn't, I approached the rocky edge of the pool.
My pulse began to pound as I looked at the water, uncertain if it was excitement or anxiety that had a strangling hold over my heart which felt as if it was trying to hammer it's way out of my chest.
The reflection I saw as I looked into the depths was not my own, rather scenes I didn't recognize all featuring people that I did, moments taken from a life that had never been mine. Harper laughing in a pointed red hat while Lucy, a pair of antlers glued to a headband, chased me around with mistletoe trying to corner me with Libby. As I looked closer, I realized it wasn't at the library, but in London, at our house in the city.
My mother was laughing as well, her hand wrapped around a mug of hot chocolate as I leaned closer to get a better view of the image, but already it had faded, a new scene sharpening into focus. Walking on what looked like some university campus next to Harper, but with a school bag of my own rather than a weapon. The picture dissolved and reshaped itself into one where I was walking next to Libby in her work scrubs, who was talking animatedly, probably after a busy shift at the animal clinic.
I hadn't realized how far forward I was leaning. Feeling myself beginning to over balance, I reared back trying to correct but it was too late.
The world turned upside down as I crashed through the surface of the pool and was surrounded by swirls of bright silver light, images darting rapidly along the shimmering threads. Some of them memories of me and my family growing up, visiting the local book store with Lucy and my mother, laughing with Tom and my friends, all idiots at the time. Holidays with Harper and Lucy over the years, the most recent of which included walking with Libby by her apartment, or late nights, talking to her in the library after everyone had gone to bed. Visiting different places around the world, tracking down monsters and mythological creatures.
But there were more than just memories.
Visions of what looked like possible futures, or what could have been.
Lucy, in a cap and gown as she graduated university, Ashton chasing after a toddler in the library her blond hair wild curls while a shy, thoughtful looking boy watched them looking out from behind Harper, with bright curious green eyes. Libby laughing as my mother pulled her into an embrace.
I reached for the image wanting desperately to be part of it, to join them, to bring Lucy and Harper with me as both Libby and my mother turned, smiling as I drifted to them, sinking into a reality I hadn't dared to think was possible. Because I knew it could never happen.
Suddenly, my body jerked to a halt, as if caught on a line that someone had just pulled.
'No.' I thought desperately, my heart rate increasing as I reached for my mother who looked confused.
The light was dying now, the images around me fading as slowly, my lungs started to burn and the visions began to disappear.
"No!" I tried to yell only to feel icy water flood into me, silencing the word before I could make a sound.
Panicked, I tried desperately to orient myself, trying to get back to my family, to not let them go.
Heart pounding, I felt a thrill of fear as I saw darkness beginning to creep through the space around me. Like a cloud of ink it billowed throughout the water, extinguishing the last of the light. Scenes of horror coming to life in the chilly shadows.
I turned forcing myself not to think about the pressure in my chest, my lungs crushing need for oxygen.
There was a flash of crimson as something darted passed me, but when I looked over my shoulder it was gone, realizing only after the hesitation, that it had been a catastrophic mistake.
It had cost me the last of my time.
On reflex my body tried to draw in air but found only water. My body spasmed and thrashed as it searched air, clawing uselessly at the darkness that had surrounded me, and as the nightmares set in, I was certain the hands that had gripped me belonged to the fates, pulling on the thread of my life that was about to be cut.
Surely this was the end.
I broke the surface of the water something slamming repeatedly into my chest until I gagged and coughed up what felt like half the pool.
"James, you absolute idiot!" Harper said her voice shaking with fury as she glared at me, looking almost as if she wanted to pick up where the water had left off, and start strangling me. "You total moron! What the hell were you thinking?"
In her anger, she'd splashed the water at me, and I realized as my thoughts started to slow and the panic began to settle, that I didn't think I'd ever seen her this upset.
She pulled herself onto the bank, muttering angrily to herself, for once not bothering to help me as I scrambled up after her.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she repeated furiously, glowering at me as I got to my feet.
Gods. She really did look mad.
"Why do you keep doing this to yourself?" she continued the question incensed. "What on earth could have possibly possessed you to-"
"I thought it would work this time." I said quietly, cutting her off but finding that for once, I was unable to meet her gaze.
"Why?" she asked throwing her hands in the air incredulously and I almost winced. "Why did you think that of all the times we'd tried this, this time would be any different? And if you were so determined to go into the reflecting pool, why didn't you come get me?"
I didn't answer her.
I couldn't. Not when I didn't want to admit to her what I'd seen. Why it had made me think things might have been different this time around.
'It's not supposed to be like this.' I thought anxiously as Harper continued to stare at me not just like she was angry, but as if she was concerned I'd suddenly gone mad. Then again maybe I had.
Harper was my best friend, the person who knew me better than anyone else. We were always on the same page, had sworn we would tell each other everything. That was how this worked.
So why didn't I want to tell her about this?
I didn't have an answer for the that. All I knew was this wasn't the first time lately it felt like somewhere, something between Harper and I had gotten disconnected. Gaps between us that had been bridged by almost constant contact over the years were beginning to widen recently.
But, I was starting to realize that it wasn't anything different in my friendship with Harper that was putting the distance there. Harper hadn't changed. It was me that was pulling away. Not to get away from her so much as to make room for something else. Someone else. And now that she was there, it felt like closing the distance in that gap would mean shutting her out.
A shock went through me as I realized I wasn't willing to do that. Not even for Harper.
"I don't know what's going on with you lately James." Harper said shaking her head. "But whatever it is, you need to get a grip. Whatever you're looking for, you're not going to find it in there."
She gestured at the Reflecting Pool, where the waters had returned to their usual state of eerie calm.
"I don't understand." I said in frustration as she crossed her arms over her chest and shivered.
Harper didn't really look upset at this point, more worried, but I found that shift in her mood didn't really help.
"I don't get it." I pressed and I heard an edge of desperation in my voice. "Why doesn't it work for me?"
It was only when I said this that I realized I'd never actually asked Harper her opinion on the matter. If she had any thoughts as to why the Reflecting Pool hadn't worked.
She didn't answer at first, only looked away from me and out over the water.
Eventually she let out a sigh.
"It's because you're not being honest with yourself." She said quietly before shaking her head. "I don't know what it is you've got to work through James. What it is you're afraid of or won't admit to yourself, but I wish you would tell me."
Her eyes darted back me and she continued.
"The Reflecting Pool is working as intended. It's just showing you something you don't want to see."
"It didn't, not at first." I insisted. "Not this time."
This caught her attention.
"You saw visions?" she asked and it was clear she was surprised.
"I saw a future." I said hoarsely, and I didn't think it was the water I'd coughed up that caused the break in my voice. "A good future. Something I…"
"Wanted?" she guessed when my sentence faded and I looked at her.
"You can't even admit that to yourself, can you?" she asked shaking her head. "Have you learned nothing from the sirens?" she asked throwing up her hands in frustration.
I didn't answer and again she shook her head, clearly afraid she'd gone too far.
"You said you saw a future, right? One in which you were happy?"
I nodded.
"How long is it going to take before you forgive yourself James?" Harper asked in frustration. "Are you ever going to think at some point you deserve to be happy?" She gestured to the pool. "Or are you going to keep running from the rest of the world forever?"
"I am happy, Harper." I said quietly.
"You're no longer afraid, James." She countered. "That's not the same thing. I know you spent half your life thinking everything for you and Lucy was on the verge of collapse but that's not the case anymore, is it?"
Her expression was hard to read, it was hesitant, concerned, but also a little conflicted.
"If I could have my way, you and Lucy would stay with me here in the library forever. No one would bother us ever again, but it's selfish and I know that." She glanced over her shoulder at the corridor that lead to the Main Hall, then back at me. "Is that really what you want? For Lucy to be stuck here forever? To sit with me during boring meetings with Olympus and fielding irritating requests from gods that we're smarter than? I know myself, and this place is worth it to me. But I know you." She said quietly. "And as much as you love Lucy and you want her to be safe, is this what you really want? To be here forever?"
I didn't answer. I didn't have to. Harper knew me so well at this point and I didn't want to lie to her. But I didn't want to tell her the truth either. What did it matter, really? It seemed as if she already knew.
"That's why it doesn't work for you." She said softly. "Everything that's happened to you, it might be in the past, but it's still there somewhere locked up in your mind affecting your judgment, your decisions, everything you do. You won't let it go."
"How am I supposed to Harper?" I asked her bitterly, surprising even myself at the outburst. Sometimes it felt like everything I'd gone through as a kid had never really ended. That I was still that panicked little demigod always trying to stay one step ahead of Olympus, only this time, it wasn't just my sister I'd gotten involved. "This is a library, and yet somehow we always end up in the middle of some stupid situation the gods involved themselves with. Fixing some idiotic thing the demigods have screwed up at camp. Now we've got hybrid monsters running around made by Tartarus knows who and when you tried to warn Olympus, we ended up getting attacked! It's not me who won't let go of all the madness Harper, it doesn't let me go! It never ends!"
I didn't know when I'd started shouting, or when my heart had started to pound.
All I knew was that I was sick of this. Sick of all of it. Dealing with arrogant Olympians, trying to warn them of whatever was coming only to get shot with lightning in response. Having to be so careful, worried if I so much as looked at someone in the divine world the wrong way weapons would be coming out, insults and curses thrown at me and Harper. I was sick of being hunted, always on display, a freak people could sneer at when they wanted, but always expected to be available when they wanted help.
It was why I made them pay. Even if the money was all but useless to me at this point. They could judge me all they wanted, I didn't care. But if they then wanted to turn around and ask me for help, I wasn't going to do it for free. They could pay for that privilege.
Harper didn't respond to my yelling, not that I expected her too and while her expression was mostly neutral, her eyes were heartbreakingly sad.
I couldn't stand to see it and looked away.
"How am I supposed to have a future?" I asked her quietly, unable to push away the visions any longer. To lock them from my mind. "How could I drag someone into the mess I've made of my life Harper? One I've no idea how to fix. It's bad enough what I've done to you and Lucy, but at least you want to be here. And I know it's selfish of me, but I can't leave my sister."
I felt my eyes start to burn as my chest went tight, and closed my eyes, appalled with myself.
"I can't do it Harper. Luce, she was the only thing I had for so long, the only person who's been with me my whole life and look what it's done to her. Everything that's happened. If you think I'm trapped in the past, well at least I can go outside. How can I risk destroying someone else's life like that. And it's not like you and Ashton." I argued, heading her off before she could interject.
I took a deep breath, regaining my composure and looked at her.
"You didn't betray Olympus, Harper. You saved it. And there was never a chance Ashton wasn't coming with you no matter where you went. Anywhere you could go that he wouldn't want to follow."
"And you don't think you could find that?" she asked quietly.
"I don't deserve it." I said incredulously. "Every one I've ever cared about has had their life destroyed. Lucy, trapped in the library, my mother two kids vanishing into thin air with no explanation, no hope of ever knowing if they'll come back alive or dead."
"Your mother knows you're alive."
"Mel, was caught in the cross fire of three gods forsaken giants that were gunning for Alyssa, just because she tried to find me. Now Libby's wrapped up in this mad situation with patch worked monsters that, if Olympus's reaction earlier this week was any indication, isn't going to end well." I threw my arms wide in frustration. "How the hell could I justify dragging anyone into all this Harper. Making this their future."
She didn't respond at first, and in the silence that rang after the questions I realized how angry the they had been. Just how much bitterness and resentment I really felt.
It was clear she was trying to sort out what she wanted to say, and while Harper and I didn't always agree on everything, I knew her. We always told each other the truth, and despite the distance I'd been put between us recently. I knew she wouldn't lie to me.
"I don't know." She said eventually. "I wish I had an answer for you I really do. But my life is most definitely better for having known you. This, all of this," she gestured around at the room. "Would still be locked away if I hadn't met you. People would still be stuck here, Lily would never have found Eugene without you, and if we hadn't left camp, Ashton still might be too afraid of what Charlie thought to admit how felt about me, not just to other people, but himself. And if you hadn't spent that summer talking sense into me I might still have been too angry to have forgiven him and Charlie, and my father."
"He likes me better than he likes you boyfriend." I said the words a bit half hearted and she let out a dismissive noise.
"That's because he knows you'd never date me."
"I dunno about that." I said and she rolled her eyes. "You have some redeeming qualities."
"Be serious James." She said skeptically.
"I am." I insisted with a smile. "You're not completely repugnant Davis."
She scowled.
"Thank you, James, really."
"Anytime mate."
She shook her head and looked as if she was trying to resist rolling her eyes again.
"You know you're his favorite, right?" I said and when she looked confused I continued. "Your dad."
"My dad doesn't have a favorite."
"Oh yes he does Harper, and it's you." I said giving her a significant look. "You're more like him than Charlie is. Charlie's too cheerful. Another reason he likes me better than Ashton I suspect."
She didn't laugh at this, not that I really expected her to. She simply looked at me.
"You deserve to be happy James." She said eventually. "You're a good person. Nothing that's happened to you changes that."
She didn't give me time to respond to this, which I appreciated as I had a feeling it was intentional. Honestly, I had no idea what to say.
Instead she clapped a hand on my shoulder then started walking towards the corridor.
"C'mon, let's get out of here. I'm freezing."
I watched her for a moment, glanced at the pool, then back to Harper. Her hair still dripping, leaving a trail of little water droplets in her wake, her words echoing my mind as I tried to wrap my head around them.
'You deserve to be happy.'
She made it sound so simple…
But it wasn't. And it never would be, and before I knew what I was saying, the words had come out.
"I hate that you're getting married."
Harper stopped at this and when she turned, she didn't look hurt or angry. In fact, she didn't seem upset at all, simply bewildered. It was obvious she hadn't taken it as an attack to either her or her fiancé, or some sort of ridiculous confession and it was a testament to how and why she'd always be my best friend. She knew me well enough, thought like me enough, not to take it the wrong way. Just let me explain.
"Don't get me wrong Harper," I said shaking my head and letting out a breath, realizing now that as I'd finally admitted it, I felt a bit lighter. "You're my best mate, and I am happy for you. I really am. Ashton's a great guy, perfect for you."
She waited and I hesitated, trying to even figure out what the hell I wanted to say.
"I just…" I started feeling the sentence die as she continued to look at me. "I guess I don't want things to change."
I was scared. Scared of what would happen. Losing my life as it was now and my best friend, and while I knew Harper wasn't leaving either the library, nor my sister and I, it still felt like I was hurtling towards something. Flying down a dark tunnel not knowing if there was a cliff or a light at the end of it.
She thought for a moment, and I could tell that for once, Harper was being careful with me. Trying to be sensitive with what she wanted to say.
It wasn't something she was great at.
"They have to."
"I know that." I said quietly, shaking my head. "I know that things can't stay this way forever, that you-"
But she cut me off.
"I want you to live your life, James. Lucy too. I know I can't keep you two forever as much as I want to. And you two will always have a home here, that will never change." She added putting emphasis on the word. "But I don't want you to be trapped here either. I don't want it to be like it was for you and Lucy when you were kids."
"You promise?" I asked feeling stupid, feeling more than ever like that trapped teenager that was so afraid of everything years ago. Scared for his sister and of magic and the mythological world. Who was terrified of what might happen if he tried to find help. Not just of what Kronos would do, but also the rest of the world, who might not want him after everything that he had done.
My voice had caught, and I could feel my eyes burning. And I hated that even after all this time, a part of me still had to ask. Was ashamed, that I even had to be assured. Both because of my friendship with Harper, and the instinct to hide and to run, that, even after all these years, still pulled at me. Never to stay in one place for too long. To get close to anyone. I trusted Harper more than I trusted myself. I shouldn't have to ask her, and I hated that even now, a not so insignificant part of me was furious with myself that I believed her. That I'd even allowed myself to have a friend.
Just a few years ago, I wouldn't have been able to believe it. Would have been disgusted with myself, convinced I'd gone completely off the deep end trusting anyone, let alone someone with power. But as always, Harper knew what to say.
"I swear it on the Styx."
A shock went through me, and I was so startled, I let out a laugh.
"You're an idiot, mate." I said wiping my eyes.
She rolled hers and looked as if she was about to retort, no doubt with something sarcastic, but before she could I'd closed the space between us and pulled her into a tight hug. She went rigid, clearly caught off guard, not used to such a blatant display of affection but relaxed quickly and returned the embrace.
I let her go and was about to continue you telling her how stupid making an oath like that was, when the words were driven out of my head as a familiar figure stepped silently into the room.
"What's up?" Harper asked, her eyes narrowing at my surprised expression and she turned.
"Why can't someone around here be normal for once?" Harper asked a line pinching between her eyebrows as Libby ambled forward, obviously sleep walking again. "Gods this place is like a magnet for trouble. We're going to have to put a bell on her if she keeps this up."
"I'll handle it." I said amused. "Go back to sleep."
"No more midnight swims." She said her eyes narrowing, but after a final glance at Libby, she walked towards the corridor no doubt headed back to her room.
I hesitated for just a moment, before stepping after Libby, and taking her hand.
She jolted, letting out a startled gasp and her eyes flew open wide.
"Relax Libby." I said as she instinctively jerked away. "It's me."
She paused glancing around the cavern, her fingers curling around mine as her mind caught up to speed.
"Again?" she asked in frustration glaring at the pool of water that was glittering innocently in the torch light.
"What were you dreaming about?"
"I don't know." She said shaking her head. "I don't understand it. I keep having nightmares at the apartment and then wandering around like a zombie here."
"You've been having more nightmares?" I asked concerned.
She hardly seemed to hear me.
"I don't get it, usually when I have crazy dreams there's some sort of reason for it. Some sort of meaning, but this doesn't make any sense-"
She then cut herself off obviously just noticing something.
"What happened to you?"
"Had my own adventures with dreams tonight." I said cryptically and her eyebrows darted up.
"At the bottom of a lake?" she asked sardonically and I smiled.
"Not quite."
She glanced at the water.
"Did it work this time?" she asked curiously and I shook my head.
"No." I said honestly, pulling her towards the corridor and she hesitated just a second, before following.
I noticed as we walked back towards the living area, talking quietly and about nothing in particular. It was dark and she hadn't taken her hand from mine, but when we stopped outside her room, I was surprised when she put her hand on my chest, just over my heart.
It skipped a beat, only to come back with a forceful pound and I wasn't sure if it was a reaction to her touch, or where it had landed.
She noticed, because of course she had. She was a medic after all, and Harper, as distracted as she could sometimes be, had been right. Libby wasn't oblivious, and while she was open and friendly, she did watch people.
"Seems to be healing alright." She said softly as my heart gave another treacherous slam against my chest, rapidly increasing it's pace.
I nodded, feeling a bit awkward as Libby's gaze met mine.
A second skip, followed by an even greater escalation.
"James?"
"Yes, love?" I asked.
Her tone had been uncertain, and when she bit her lip, clearly debating with herself what she wanted to say, it didn't do wonders for my concentration. But she looked away, her nerve apparently failing her and it was at that point, I was almost certain Harper was right.
Libby probably knew. And I wasn't entirely sure how I was supposed to feel about that.
"N-never mind." She stuttered nervously, shaking her head, and while I reached to catch her hand with mine, she'd already pulled back.
I didn't stop her, but I couldn't say I was happy about it either.
"I should probably get back to bed." She said quickly, sounding extremely embarrassed, not daring to meet my gaze. "You should too. You need to rest, I know you heal like crazy but you got blasted pretty bad and-"
"Stop spiraling Libby." I said cutting her off and she nodded, still avoiding eye contact.
"You're right." She said with a sense of resignation and letting out a breath. "I-I'm sorry I just-"
But before she could finish her sentence I took her face between my hands forcing her to look at me. Her eyes met mine and it felt as if she was looking right through me, able to see not just the person in front of her, but into the very core of my being. It didn't look as if she'd even had to try.
"What have I told you about apologizing, Lib?" I asked quietly.
"That you'd throw me into the Underworld."
"So stop, doing it."
The girl was going to drive me mad.
My whole life people had wanted for me to open up to them. My friends in the mortal world, always wanting to know where me and my sister were going, at camp, people asking what it was like growing up as a demigod isolated from the others, alone in the mortal world. How I'd survived so long on my own.
I'd never been able to stand it. Even with Harper it had taken years for her to really get to know me, despite the fact we were so similar. And even if Lucy had learned to read me growing up, I rarely ever talked to her about what I felt.
It wasn't like that with Libby.
She'd always been so easy to talk to, the one person I always seemed to want to talk to. At this point, I didn't think that was ever going to change.
She laughed so easily, smiled over the smallest things. Was so open with all of her thoughts and feelings, before I even knew it was happening she just managed to pull mine out as well. When she laughed, it was easier for me to, when she was upset I was invested, I wanted to know why, how to fix it, or at least to make her feel better. Gods I was no better than Ashton was around Harper. In fact, I'd be willing to bet I was even worse.
When Libby was around, I wanted to be like her, open, and to have fun. Probably because she was the last person on this earth that would ever want hurt someone. And while a few years ago, I might have been disgusted I'd ever dared to trust Harper, even then, I'd trusted Libby. Whether it was to heal me, just to talk or to listen, to always want to help, or just to even look at me like she was now and see me. Not all the versions of myself I presented to the world when it was convenient.
Not even Harper, or my own sister could say that.
Maybe that was the reason I'd actually listened to her in the infirmary. A part of me had always adored her and lately, that feeling had become overwhelming, shifting and growing into something else. Something I'd never felt before.
"Libby, I know you like to fret and overthink in every possible direction in that anxious mind of yours, but I promise you. You don't have to with me." I said gently, her eyes going a bit wider as I continued. "You are my favorite person in all of the domains."
It felt almost blasphemous to admit it, when I had a sister who loved me so much, I'd been almost her entire world growing up, a best friend that had quite literally saved my life, a mother, who, after all this time, was still looking for me.
But it wasn't even close at this point and I knew it. And the surge of guilt that always accompanied this realization never measured up to even just the smallest flash of emotion when Libby smiled at me.
"You don't have to keep apologizing." I said quietly, brushing my thumb across her cheek. "Can you trust that?"
She nodded, her eyes searching my expression, and when they met mine again, it felt as if once again I'd been hit by lightning. Only this time, it had struck directly at my soul.
"Good." I said smiling and letting her go. "Get some sleep darling."
"Alright." She said softly. "Good night, James."
"Good night, Libby."
Her eyes darted to me one final time before she turned and walked through her door and I waited for just a moment longer, before crossing the room to mine.
I looked over my shoulder pausing until I saw her light go off under the door before opening my own, Harper's words once again echoing in my mind.
'You deserve to be happy.'
But that even possible for someone like me?
I didn't think I was doomed to a life of abject misery. For my life to be complicated? Certainly. And it wasn't as if these days I wasn't content. But I knew what Harper meant, when she said happy.
She meant like her. If not to forget all of the madness and horror of our parents' world, the power and the hypocrisy, and even cruelty of the gods to at least find someone who made the world seem a little brighter. A partner that might take a life that was livable, even good, and make it great. Someone worth putting up with the risk that they were a vulnerability in your life. That they might get hurt just for the misfortune of caring about you, or you for them.
Ashton had made it clear, Harper was worth it for him. Had always been. That there wasn't anyone else. But Harper was a hell of a person. Smart, loyal, kind, and fiercely protective of those she cared about. Patient and loving in her own strange introverted way. She was an amazing friend, an unshakable partner, no one knew that better than I did, except maybe Ashton and I knew if someone had asked her, she would say I was the same.
But it wasn't the same.
Just because Harper seemed to have, that didn't mean the rest of the world, or Olympus, had forgotten that I was and technically remained, a criminal in the eyes of the gods. Could I really involve someone in that mess? Someone I cared about, or cared so much about me that they didn't care about that fact.
Was I really that selfish?
Could I really do that to Libby?
It was the first time I'd let her name be attached to these thoughts. That I'd admitted to myself why they were always on my mind lately, let alone even considered. As little as a few months ago, if someone had asked me these questions, I would have thought they were insane but now I was confronted with a moral dilemma that I'd never expected to face.
I stepped in to my room irritated and frustrated with myself. Furious it was even a debate. That I'd let myself get into this position at all was only slightly less unconscionable than the fact that a part of me was even considering it.
'Even if you are that selfish,' a voice said from the back of my mind. 'What are the chances really, that she'd have any interest anyways?'
Libby was smart. And it wasn't as if she didn't have any common sense.
But I wasn't an idiot. Even if I rarely acted on the information, I was aware when someone was attracted to me. Usually I found it irritating. Frankly, it was one of the reasons why I enjoyed moving undetected in the mortal world. And it had been easy to enough to exploit with Mel when I'd told her to skip her date.
But the thought on acting on it with Libby… it felt deplorable. She had nothing to do with my history with Olympus, and how could I drag her into it? Into the wrath of the gods? A life or a future that could very well get her punished by the pantheon, even hurt, or killed. Or see it happen to me?
I tore off my shirt in a fit of restless energy and got ready for bed, my fingers automatically toying with the camp neckless resting on my collar bone, a habit I hadn't been aware of picking up.
I threw myself onto my bed, automatically glancing at my phone only to be surprised to see a message on it from Libby.
'You're my favorite too.'
I froze, feeling a jolt go through me, a combination of fear and surprise, but rapidly chased by something else. Something like hope. Resolution dwindling, I looked at the message for a very long time, my mind turning it over.
I scrolled back through her texts, rereading our conversations, the message thread that I used by far the most these days. I paused over a photo she'd sent from our trip to the Rockies, one that she'd insisted we take in front of a particularly gorgeous waterfall on the hike. The message after it reading.
'See he can smile.'
I looked at the photo for an even longer time, feeling as if I were on a precipice. Leaning over a cliff, looking down into a mist covered valley, the drop seeming endless.
'It's stupid to think about.' I thought bitterly, knowing I should click out of the picture. Turn off my phone and go to bed. 'Stupid, and selfish, and reckless.'
But gods…
Harper's words still ringing in my head.
'You deserve to be happy.'
And in this photo, on this trip, I had been. Happier than I'd been in a very long time. Happier than, in fact, I'd ever remembered being.
It felt as if my chest was expanding. Pushing out the oxygen to make room for a realization, an emotion that was so powerful, it threatened to burst out of me entirely.
I rolled to my side, still looking at the photo, very aware of my pounding heartbeat.
Maybe it was selfish, and maybe I was lying to myself, seeing only what I wanted to see, but a flickering sense of hope had ignited along with that feeling in my chest. I couldn't help but think that here, in this photo, Libby looked pretty happy as well.