Hi Lovely Readers!
This is a companion piece to my main fic Emerald Eyes. Read anytime after chapter 11.
This is just a glimpse of Bella's side of things. This story takes place when she decided to have Edward take baby Anthony…
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My chest felt heavy and my throat was tight. It was hard to breathe as the sky took on an orange tint.
It was dusk. The sun was going down, and Edward and I were sitting on a bench. We were in the back of the shelter where I was staying. He was beside me and Anthony was on my lap.
It was close to the time I had to go inside, but neither of us wanted to part. Our plan was to sit in the courtyard and watch the sun go down. As beautiful as the sky was, I wasn't really enjoying it. I had other things on my mind than watching the sun go down. The things that I didn't want to think about were taking up space in my crowded brain. These thoughts were repetitive and nagging at me. Most of them were like a big poisonous dust cloud. It was driving me crazy, eating away at my sanity.
"Well, we made it before your curfew." Edward's smooth voice broke through my thoughts.
"Uh?" I shook my head, trying to clear it.
"Your curfew." He reminded me. "You were afraid we wouldn't make it here before seven, but we did. And with time to spare."
"Yeah." I mumbled.
I wasn't trying to be a downer while he was in good spirits. That wasn't my intention, even though that's what was happening. My mood had been pessimistic since we left the burger shack. Well, actually it was before we left the movie theater. That's when all my thoughts and fears came crashing down on me. There was so much on my mind. It wasn't easy to sort through any of it.
In my current situation I knew I would be damned if I did, and damned if I didn't. Knowing that made things much more difficult. Plus, I was doing my best not to think about certain things. I had no idea how much of my thoughts Edward could hear. It was strange he could spontaneously read my mind when he never could before.
Anthony slapped his tiny hands on my wrist. Edward grabbed his hands, warning him not to do that. I looked down at my baby. He was the very source of his daddy being able to read my mind. His big green eyes peered up at me. A gummy smile spread across his perfect face and my heart melted.
He was my perfect baby. My whole world.
Lifting my baby up to my face, I kissed his warm, smooth cheek. "Mommy loves you, Anthony." I gave him one more kiss before setting him back on my lap.
My words were a sad realization as to what I needed to do. Anthony was a few days shy of six weeks, he was so little. He had no idea anything was different. He had no way of knowing there was a war going on in my head. Or that this war involved him. On the other hand, Edward did. I think.
"Bella, are you okay?" Edward asked, taking my hand in his.
"I'm fine." I said automatically.
It wasn't a lie, nor was it the truth. It was somewhere in-between.
"Hmm." Edward hummed, unconvinced.
It was 6:45 in the evening. Edward had spent the day with Anthony and I, just as promised. He took us to a lot of places, including a park. The park we went to had a duck pound. He swore those were our son's favorite animals. But at that moment I would have guessed he was the one obsessed with ducks. However, I didn't argue that as we sat on the grass. We stayed there watching the feathery creatures for over a half hour. All because our baby was staring in fascination at them, while his daddy held him. Once Anthony lost interest in watching the ducks we went to the mall. Our second to the last stop had been a theater; where we saw a Disney movie. During the beginning of Elemental Anthony spit up on the front of Edward's shirt, twice. He didn't have a sweater or another shirt to change into. Just the clothes he was wearing that now displayed bloodstains on the front of his clothing.
It was dark in the theater but we both knew it was still light outside. He wouldn't be able to be out in public with blood on his clothes. Not without people staring at him, that is. Or worse, questioning if he was hurt or had hurt someone, which was why I offered him my sweatshirt I had in the diaper bag. He gladly peeled off his soiled shirt and handed it to me. In the blink of an eye he slipped on my hoodie. It was a pink Welcome to Las Vegas sweatshirt. I swear it looked better on him than it did me. That, and the fact I peeked at his sculpted chest were on my mind. Those were easy things to think about. I prayed these were the only ones he'd hear. The last thing I wanted was for him to hear what else was occupying my mind.
"Pink looks good on you." I eyed him in my sweatshirt. I noticed it was a bit too small for him as I held Anthony a little tighter.
Edward pursed his mouth to the side, but did not speak. A bored expression was on his angelic face as he eyed me. Even though he didn't say anything it was easy to tell he didn't believe me.
"Really," I giggled. "It looks better on you than me."
I was being sincere. My hoodie didn't fit him right. The sleeves didn't reach his wrists, and the bottom rode up, revealing his belly button. Even so, he looked nice in it. Well, actually he looked hot.
"Trying to flatter me, are you, Bella?" He asked with a crooked smile.
Giggling, I shook my head no. "I'm serious, Edward. You look….handsome. Dare I even say it? You're hot in pink."
Edward rolled his eyes. It was clear by the look on his face he didn't believe me.
I burst out laughing as I switched Anthony from my right arm into my left. He was small but sturdy. Holding him for a long period of time made my arms feel heavy.
"I'm one hundred percent serious. I think you look hot in my hoodie." I spoke the truth as Anthony babbled.
Edward reached out to Anthony, pinching his chubby baby cheeks, and his golden eyes went wide. He then took in a long, slow breath. I knew right then he was hearing my thoughts. It was strange to know he could read my mind - and no one else's - sometimes. I wasn't certain if I liked it.
"Yeah." Edward said, sounding like he was talking more to himself than to me. "I know your saying what you believe is true. However, I can't agree. I feel ridiculous wearing this."
Anthony gurgled.
"Yes, I couldn't agree with you more, son. I'm sure your mother looks better in this sweatshirt than I ever will." He said to our baby, who had his head on my shoulder.
"What did I miss?" I asked, feeling lost. Was Edward really replying to Anthony's thoughts? Or did he just see an opportunity and use Anthony's baby talk to include him in the conversation?
Edward laughed and mumbled under his breath, "I'm just grateful the extra garment was this and not a dress."
"Too bad I didn't pack my black cocktail dress in the diaper bag." I joked. The look on Edward's face was one of horror. It was comical and made me laugh.
Anthony snuggled into me as Edward stood up. With a gleam in his golden eyes and a smirk on his kissable lips, Edward did a 360 turn. My eyes took in the sight of his smooth skin on his lower back and stomach as he turned back around. His jeans were hung low on his hips exposing the low V on his waist. That was very sexy to me and had butterflies fluttering in my stomach.
"Then we agree to disagree." I smiled up at him.
"Fine." He muttered, leaning down and pressing his lips to mine.
It was a sweet and light kiss that had me craving more. His lips parted from mine when he pulled back, but then he leaned down and placed a kiss on top of Anthony's head. As he sat back down beside me, our baby continued to babble. He then stuck his tiny hand in his mouth and began sucking.
"I love you." Edward placed his arm around me.
"I love you, too." I gazed at him. There was an orange light reflection from the setting sun in his golden eyes. The orange tint was making his eyes appear more amber than gold. I liked that color.
"But you won't come home with me." His words were a statement and not a question.
"No." I sighed, shaking my head.
This wasn't the first time he brought it up. Nor did I expect it to be the last. He wanted me to go home with him instead of staying in the shelter. He was sure it was the best place for me and Anthony. Maybe he was right, but I wasn't ready to take that step yet. I was terrified of the unknown. What if things didn't work out between us? Then what would I do? I needed a backup plan before I took that giant step of staying at his parents' house.
I had my reasons why I wanted to stay a little longer at the shelter. Edward knew this. And, there was a lot of fear holding me back. Fear of being vulnerable and having to depend on the person who had already left me once. I was afraid of falling too hard and getting hurt by him…again. It's not easy to love someone, and to trust that person, but at the same time not fully be able to trust them. Because he lied to me once; he could so easily do it again.
Edward winced.
I knew he was reading my mind at that moment. Part of me felt guilty he could hear what I was thinking. He loved me. For Pete's sake, we had a baby together! I trusted him one-hundred-and-ten percent with our child, just not with my heart. Maybe I was being foolish for wanting to stay at the shelter a little bit longer. Maybe I was overthinking this, making it a bigger deal than it needed to be. Maybe I should let go of what I thought was best for me. Maybe I should do what he wanted me to do, like I used to do. Maybe… My thoughts trailed off and I felt the need to apologize to Edward. But before I could, he spoke.
"It's okay, Bella." Edward whispered, his eyes on the ground instead of on me. "I put you through a lot. You became pregnant, I lied, and left before I could find out I was going to become a father. You dealt with a lot because of me. It's understandable why you don't want to take that leap."
"Yeah." My heart was racing.
He had heard my thoughts and agreed with me. That made me glad, but also sad. Would he eventually stop inviting me to stay at his parents' house? I hoped not. Someday, I'd be ready to take that step and move in with him, and we'd create a life together. But that day wasn't today. Moving in with him scared me half to death, and I was already on edge. However, the thing that was making me feel fear the most as my hands became clammy was something different. Something I hadn't even considered this morning, and never thought I would. Yet, I felt this was necessary.
A car door slammed in the parking lot and Anthony snorted. Both of those noises interrupted my thoughts. As did two girls - one pregnant and the other already a mother - strolled through the courtyard. One of the girls said hi to me as she walked past us and into the backdoor of the shelter. Her toddler was walking behind her, which made her stand at the door for a few seconds until her child followed her in.
Momentary sidetracked, I almost forgot about the idea that was nagging at me. "Almost" was the keyword here.
Anthony was still sucking on his fist as he did a raspberry. It was a funny sound that made me laugh. Edward jerked his head in our direction. Was he hearing Anthony's thoughts or mine? I wasn't sure.
Our eyes locked as Anthony's foot kicked my right thigh. How I kept myself from winching or bringing attention to the fact that I felt pain was beyond me. But I did, even though his kick was hard and would properly leave a bruise. He was strong for a tiny one; which is why I didn't allow anyone - besides Edward - to hold him. His strength is growing and so is the fact that he isn't fully human. He was half vampire, a hybrid baby as Edward had called him. He craved blood more than breastmilk. In fact, he hadn't nursed at all from me today since Edward had a large supply of blood in a cooler for him.
My boobs were full. They were killing me cause they hurt so bad. I knew I'd have to pump soon.
As I sat there with my son in my arms and my boyfriend beside me, I kept thinking about how I didn't know how to be a mom to a hybrid. I did my best. However, was my best good enough? I don't know. On days that weren't sunny I kept him out and away from everyone at the shelter. I knew he needed blood to drink, which was why I would buy frozen blood from the market for his dinner and warm it up with my car's heater. He usually had blood once or twice a day with breastmilk - that he didn't care for - as his main source of nutrition. I had always thought that was enough for him. Then, today I saw that it wasn't. He needed more blood than I was giving him. He also needed vampire interaction instead of being kept in a bubble of just him and me.
Edward and I shared a look. A chill ran through my body, making me shiver. I turned to the sky. There was something in the orange; the last bits of the setting sun that made me realize I had to do what frightened me the most. The thing I never wanted to do. I knew I'd miss him when the sun rose in the morning. However, I knew this was what I needed to do. I turned to Edward and opened my mouth, but my voice trembled when I tried to speak. The words didn't come out right, so I shut my mouth.
Edward held me closer. One arm was around my waist and his other hand was holding Anthony's; the three of us were connected. I thought I was going to lose it right then and cry. But when Edward placed his head between my collar and jaw, everything felt right.
"What are you thinking about, love?" Edward asked, kissing the pulse point on my neck.
There was no way to know how Edward would respond to what I had to do. Though one thing was for certain, I needed him to be on the same page as me.
"I need you to take Anthony for the night." I blurted out what was on my mind as tears gathered in my eyes and streamed down my face.
"Take Anthony? For the night?" Edward sat up straight. He looked terrified.
"Yes." I nodded my head and wiped my eyes. "You're his father. He should spend the night with you. Just for tonight…or a couple of days."
Even though I didn't think it was possible, Edward's skin became paler than his normal color. He was now a ghostly white. He swallowed hard and ran his hand through his messy hair.
"Excuse me?" He choked out. "I don't think I heard you correctly. Can you please repeat that?"
His body language told me he was scared, though not totally unwilling. At least, I hope I was reading him correctly.
I took a deep breath and tried a different approach. "Edward, if I were to ask you to keep Anthony overnight for a few days, would you?" I asked as my face heated up. This time my words were slower. An odd fear of him saying no coursed through my body.
Edward didn't respond as the sky began to darken. He sat there as stiff as a board with a glassy look in his golden eyes. There was no indication he even heard me. However, I was sure he did.
For a long beat, Edward said nothing and neither did I. Anthony grunted and my face felt very hot. Maybe this was the wrong decision to make, to ask of him. What was I thinking? After all, he only met Anthony yesterday. He wouldn't want to take care of him all by himself.
"Forget I said anything." My words were rapid as I held my baby boy to my chest. His breath was on my neck and his body was relaxed. I, on the other hand, was a mess and trying not to cry again.
Edward finally moved. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Why?"
It was the only word that slipped from his lips. One word that held so much weight. One word that had me wanting to explain everything that was on my mind.
"There's so many reasons." I began, then stopped.
"Tell me. Please?" His words were soft as his hand reached up to my face. His fingers gently tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, then he placed his hand on Anthony's back.
"He's more you than me." I spoke in a rush. "He needs you and I need your help. His diet is more like yours than mine."
"I see." Edward's eyes were locked on mine.
"Plus, he spit up on your shirt and what if he does it again? Here? What would I say if someone were to see that?" I asked, hoping he would see things my way. "He's more like you than me, which is why he should be with a parent who knows how to manage his diet. And besides, he needs to be socialized. I try to avoid that because of what happened when we were at the last shelter." By the end I was whispering.
Edward dropped his hand, placing both in his lap. There was an emotion on his face that was unreadable.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked this of you." I apologized.
Edward let out a long, slow, deep breath. "Don't. Don't apologize for this, Bella." He stumbled, and added, "I can only imagine how hard this was to ask of me. I also can imagine you wouldn't have asked if you didn't think it was the best thing to do for our son."
"True." I swallowed hard, switching Anthony to my other shoulder. He was content looking out in the distance. I was afraid of the answer his father might give me. I bit my bottom lip.
"Of course, I'll take him if you need me to." He reached out and touched Anthony's head. Then he dropped his hand to my thigh and gave it a squeeze before resting it there. "Bella, you're a good mother. Always remember that."
"Thank you." I said as tears gathered in my eyes. At that moment, I didn't feel that way.
He nodded. "I just have to know one thing. Why don't you come with me, too?"
"I'm not ready." I whispered.
"Is that the only reason?" He wondered.
"Yes." I lied.
Edward breathed a sad sigh.
To the world he was just a young man, but to me Edward was all that is. He was much more than a vampire with a handsome face. He wasn't my first kiss - I had two boyfriends before him - though I knew I was his first kiss. I was his first girlfriend and he was my first serious boyfriend. We were a lot of each other's first. With all my heart, I hoped it wouldn't take long for me to fully trust him again. I loved him. I was just scared of being hurt by him again.
"I can't say I fully understand because I'm ready to live with you. Nevertheless, I'll do what you need me to. There's just one thing… I don't... I don't…" Edward stopped, letting his words trail off.
"What?" I asked.
"I don't have any baby items. I mean, other than the empty bottles in the cooler, and there's a few pacifiers still in my car...somewhere. The way he loses those things is unbelievable. But what I'm trying to say is - those are the only things I have. I'm not sure what else I need for him." He nervously explained.
He was adorable when he was flustered. I placed a reassuring hand on his check. We shared a smile then a kiss on the lips.
"I'll pack his clothes. I'll make sure you have everything he needs." I reassured him.
"Okay." Edward relaxed a little bit.
Not wanting him to change his mind, I placed Anthony in his arms. Before a second passed I dashed inside the building and up the stairs to my room. I shut the door and opened the closet, pulling out a dark blue duffle bag. It was the same one I used to pack my things from home so long ago.
Trying not to let reality sink in that I would be apart from my baby, I rapidly took his tiny clothes out of the closet and neatly placed them in the bag. Once I had his clothes all packed I tossed in the few toys I had for him. At least the ones he hadn't broken. Next was an open pack of diapers, a container of baby wipes, and his very own copy of Good Night Gorilla. With everything packed, I grabbed his diaper bag and exited my room, making a beeline for the kitchen. There were a few girls and their babies gathered around the table while a new staff member stood at the stove talking away while she made Hamberhelper. I said hi and grabbed a grocery bag from the pantry. Almost tripping over my own two feet as I went over to the refrigerator and flung it open. In a rush I pulled baggies of breastmilk out of the fridge and freezer. They had mine and Anthony's names on them, though he didn't really like drinking it. However, this part - packing the breastmilk - was more about keeping up appearances than anything else. After all, a human baby would need milk to survive. It would seem strange if I didn't give it to Edward while Anthony was staying with him. Therefore, I cleared out the freezer and fridge of my breastmilk.
As I was walking down the hall with a duffle bag, a diaper bag slung over my shoulder, and a grocery bag full of breastmilk in my hands, I saw Evelyn – my favorite staff member. She smiled at me and touched my arm, causing me to stop.
"Bella, dear, you look like you're going somewhere." She said and added, "Are you leaving us?"
I shook my head no.
"Well," She said slowly, eyeing me and everything I held. "You look like you're going somewhere. You wouldn't be forgetting about that earlier curfew, now would you?"
"No, of course not." I reassured her. "I'm just going to give Anthony's dad his things since he's going to be spending the night with him for a few days."
As hard as I tried, I couldn't keep the tears out of my eyes. They gathered there and threatened to spill. I wiped at my eyes with the back of my hand before they could roll down my face.
"Oh, honey." Evelyn said in that sweet grandmotherly tone of hers. "Is this the first time you'll be away from your baby?"
"Yes." I nodded woodenly.
"That's not easy. If you need to come and talk to me afterwards just come find me." She urged.
Her name was called from down the hall. Someone needed her and I needed to go give all this luggage to Edward. She patted my arm and we went in opposite directions.
In a sad haze, I walked outside and to the wooden bench. I put the bags down and asked to hold Anthony. Edward didn't hesitate to place him in my arms. With my baby in my arms, I sat down beside Edward on the bench. For the next half hour I explained our son's routine to him. He listened and promised he would follow it to the T. He also promised he would drive the speed limit and video chat me as soon as he made it home, since I asked him to do that. For me, the video chat would be more to see Anthony than Edward. Be that as it may, I wouldn't complain about video chatting with my sexy vampire boyfriend, since that would be a bonus.
With everything said and done, I gave Anthony a tight hug and handed him to his daddy. I grabbed the bag full of breastmilk and Edward picked up the duffle bag as well as the diaper bag in one hand. Both of us got up from the bench at the same time and walked to the parking lot. Since I had already placed Anthony's carseat in my car when we got back from our outing, I needed to retrieve it. It didn't take me long at all to do so.
Edward's car was parked conveniently next to mine. He pressed the button on his key, making his car honk as it unlocked. He took the grocery bag from me, placing it in the backseat inside the cooler. He then sat our son's luggage inside on the floorboard and shut the door.
As quickly as I could, I installed the carseat in the backseat of his car. Once it was securely in place, I turned to Edward - who was protectively holding Anthony. Before I could say a word he placed our son in my arms and gave me a kiss on the forehead.
Not wanting to prolong this emotional event, I placed my little boy in his carseat and buckled him in.
"Anthony, Mommy loves you so much." I kissed his forehead and both of his cheeks. "You're going to spend the night with your daddy and meet your grandparents and aunts and uncles. You'll have a good time and I'll see you tomorrow."
Anthony's big green eyes stared at me. He moved his arms and kicked his feet excitedly. A gummy grin spread across his face. He had no idea what I was saying or even what was going on. All he probably thought was that he was going for a ride like we usually did at this time. The fact he didn't know what was going on made my heart break a little.
"It's just for a few days." I mumbled to myself. Then to Anthony I said, "Be good for Daddy, okay? I love you."
Anthony responded with a jubilant grunt.
I loved this little guy so much. It wasn't easy to part with him. However, it was something I had to do and I was fearing this might be a little longer than I said it would be. Another kiss and a few more 'I love yous' I shut the door. Immediately, Edward wrapped me in a hug.
"You're sure about this?" He pulled back to see my face.
"Yes." I was being honest. Even though I would miss my baby, I was sure he needed to be with his dad.
"Anytime you want me to bring him back, I will. All you have to do is call me." He kissed the top of my head.
"Don't forget to drive the speed limit and video chat me as soon as you get home." I avoided giving him a reply.
"I'll drive very carefully and I won't forget to video chat." He promised me. "I'll pick you up tomorrow morning. 9 AM sharp. You're spending the day at my house."
"Sounds good." I said, holding onto him.
It was one long hug and a few kisses before Anthony let us know he was impatient to go for a ride, even though he had been out all day. He began to cry and didn't quieten down until Edward got into the driver's seat and turned the car on. I watched him pull out of the parking lot, waving his hand out the window. Holding my breath, I counted the seconds until his car was out of sight.
15 seconds. That's how long it took before I could no longer see his car. 15 seconds and my whole world felt different.
This wasn't permanent, I kept reminding myself as I stood there looking down the empty road. But still, tears streamed down my face. The pain of being separated from my baby tugged at my heart and I knew this was going to be a long night. However, at least Anthony wouldn't be crying all night long. Kara would have no reason to threaten me again about having him removed from my custody, like she had last night. She was horrible and I didn't like her, but I liked Evelyn.
Through blurry eyes I walked across the lot and into the shelter. My mission was to find Evelyn. I wanted to talk to her. There was something I needed her opinion on. It was the one thing I was trying to keep from Edward: turning myself in. I was tired of being a runaway. And if I was being completely honest with myself, I missed my dad. Even though my dad had been horrible to me the night before I ran away, I still missed him.
My mother died when I was eleven and since then my dad has been my only parent. He was the only family I had, besides my little boy. I was missing dad and wanted him to be in my life. I also wished he'd be a part of Anthony's life too.
The End