Hello everyone. Wow, for some reason I didn't expect that people would read this, thank you! I'm definitely planning on finishing this story, because I really don't like getting hooked on a story that'll never finish, so I promise this now, even if only one person wishes for it, I'll finish it. Anyway, I hope it's not too bad, and have a great day :).
Chapter 3
Pff, it's Monday. Quinn is saying some random shit in the Celibacy club about "that thing, Rachel Whatshername". Her quote, not mine. I like to call her dwarf in my mind. Someone who needs way too many attention. I mean, what is she even trying to achieve in this club? Like seriously, this is basically just a club filled with cheerleaders. I don't really mind wasting our time in this club, as long as my Britt Britt is here.
You should think twice, before you accuse me of having no life besides Brittany. That's a lie. I have my interests and hobbies. Like gaming, I love that. Also, besides the fact that cheerleading could be a bit more relaxing if we had a nicer coach, I really like to cheerlead.
My mom also wanted me to play the piano for a really long time. I guess I'm pretty average in that. Though above all, I like singing the most. It's just my passion. It's a secret only Britt knows about. If you were wondering, I'm not planning on letting that secret out. Is it a good idea to join the glee club, if you don't want people to find out I like singing? Nope, not at all!
How will I be able to keep my joy for singing a secret, if I join that stupid club? I've no clue how I'm going to manage that. I think that's also a reason why Britt is being so enthusiastic about the fact of joining Glee club. We have a lot of jamming sessions together, where she's dancing, while I'm singing. She swears I could totally become a professional singer, if I wanted to. She just knows I secretly adore it. Where better place to enjoy singing and dancing then at a glee club? … yeah, I'm sure Brittany it's a huge reason for her to join.
There I am, talking about Brittany again. I just like to be with my best friend a lot, is that so much of a problem? And yes I have a crush on her for like a year now. I'm just not ready to show her my feelings like that. It's a lot.
Multiple things stand in my way to us being lovey-dopey. First argument: I don't do feelings. I just don't. It's not my style. Another point: I have very loving, but also very conservative parents. Not that they'll be against it that much (I hope), but my parents … also have parents. Don't let me start talking about my Abuela. I'm sure she won't approve of my feelings … ugh not feelings … interest, in a girl.
Plus, here's another thing. Apart from my own problems, I know Brittany has some too. I think we've established by now that she's more guarded then you'd say. She's just very smart in the way of hiding the fact that she's guarded. Ever since that… accident last week, when she freaked out in Quinn's room, I'm starting to get really suspicious there's a serious problem going on.
Ever since this school year has started, she's looking even less happy than normal. She has a really bubbly and happy persona, but it's more of a wall then her authentical feeling. I know she's not the happiest person in the world, and that's okay I guess. Everybody has their own journey (even though it's my life mission to make her happy), but it's not okay if she feels the need to being fake happy and stress free. You'd think it's almost a coping-mechanism she adapted to look that way. Coping mechanisms come with a cost. They're not energy-free to use.
I want to help, yet it's really difficult to help her, if she doesn't let me in completely. Where's the line between being a good friend and forcing a person into something they never asked for? I know my feelings are starting to run deep for her, but we've only started to really bond two months ago. It's like I'm almost in love with a perspective that will (hopefully) come in six months or something. I want what other people have, like when you can see those annoying people, who know each other better than the back of their hand?
Also, what kind of expression is that? Picture this: ten pictures of hands. All very much lookalike. One of them is mine. The other ones are not. Would I pick out which one's mine? I don't know. I'm not sure. Who analyses his hand like that? A hand is a hand. I have no doubt there are hands out there in the world that look a lot like mine. So … it's a stupid phrase.
Nevertheless. I'm side-tracking again. Back to my first thought process. Uhm. Oh right! I would merely really like to know Brittany better. See how it goes from there. I feel this connection, and I'm 99% sure she feels it too.
Oh good, the school bell has made his appearance! It's finally time to do our audition. I feel something brushing at the back of my hand. When I look, I see it's Brittany. She walked over to me, taking my hand in the process.
I haven't been able to talk to Britt this whole day. We don't have much classes in common on Monday. Even now, in celibacy club, it's difficult to make a proper conversation. There are some people, who don't know how to shut up. It's annoying… the bell couldn't come in more helpful. After Quinn officially ended the Celibacy club, we walk together to the choir room.
I step in line with Brittany, gaining her attention. "Hey Britt, how's it going with your bruises? Are they healing properly?" I'm trying to be delicate about it. I don't want her to run away again.
She sighs, switching her backpack to her other shoulder. "Yes San, everything is fine. I almost don't feel it anymore, and don't worry, the dancing will go fine."
My jaw tightens a bit at that. "I wasn't worried about that. You didn't made a sound when we practiced our dance, and that was before we saw your stomach. Please don't say I'm worried about the fact you could disturb the audition or not, it's you I'm thinking of, and you know it!"
She barely reacts to that. Fortunately for her, Quinn comes up behind us, grabbing both our shoulders in the process. "Come on girls, we're going to kick some ass."
…
We did, kick some ass, for your information. The Spanish teacher, who apparently teaches glee club, Will Schuester, was really impressed with our version of say a little prayer. Sue was less happy about it. She wants us to start spying on the club. I don't really care about that, it can only be good for our reputation.
It seems like Quinn is really desperate. She doesn't want to lose her boyfriend, so I guess that's mostly her argument to follow Sue's orders. Britts argument is probably to ignore Sue. Going to glee club … I think she wants me to get more out of my shell and enjoy singing in group.
Whatever she tries to do, I really need this reputation. If only she'd realise these cheerleading costumes are the only thing that's standing in the way of her being bullied by people.
I just know she would get bullied. She's already been called a slut, a toddler and a stupid, dumb blonde in one sentence!
Evidently, I don't want her to feel that way. She isn't, she really really isn't. Why do people not understand that?! Yeah yeah, it does seem like that in school sometimes. I don't know how it comes. Maybe it's a bit of panic she feels? Maybe that's why she suddenly yells out the first thing that comes to mind?
Sometimes it looks like she's high or something. It's like she's locked away her thinking brain for a bit and her instinctive brain (reptile brain or something) takes over. If that happens, people can say the strangest shit. Still, I don't think she's high. Within my knowledge, she never has even took something that comes close to drugs. She hasn't even tried alcohol for god's sake.
"See you tomorrow S and B. We're going to crush that Glee club, and I'm going to get my boyfriend back. As long as we can stay on the Cheerios, we're going to have an excellent school year." Quinn walks away to her car as she waves at us.
I barely register Quinn's talking to us. I'm more busy with trying to figure out a way to finally get some truth out of Brittany. She always distracts me when I'm talking about her strange behaviour. It results in never getting a truthful answer! I want to help, even if I don't know with what. Why doesn't she let someone in?
It doesn't need to be me she lets in. I get if someone wouldn't want to get close to me. Though I'm the most logical option. I'm the closest in line to her. I could take away some of her loneliness. So if theoretically I'm the closest person for the job, who would I be, to be selfish and not listen to that?
All right, all right, not selfish. I know I have great benefit in getting close to Brittany… let's call it loyal then. Nevertheless, in order to let me in, I need to find a way to get behind her wall.
When I'm opening my mouth to start a conversation with her, I can see the look in her face that means she's closed off. Eyes staring into a far away distance. A visible line between her brows. Forehead creased. Shoulders lowered, arms hanging tense next to her torso.
I'm not going to let her get away with that again. I would, if I thought she's happy about this situation. At first I thought it was the best to just let her do what she wants. Maybe she does get a benefit out of being alone and closed off. However, I think I figured out that it isn't making her any happier.
So… as a good friend, I decided I'm going to talk about it. Sometimes people ask for help, without realising it themselves. At least, I think so. I hope I'm just not overthinking everything. Otherwise that would make me look like such a creep. Yet … I'm certain it's not like that with Brittany. She knows me so well … but I know her too. Well, at least until some level.
Anyway, I decided I'm going to be the listening ear she may need. One summer, or actually, when I really analyse it, since we met (so a full year) of strange behaviour from her is enough for a lifetime. "See you Quinn." I hear Britt say.
When Quinn is driving away in her fancy grey car, I try to get Brittany's attention. "Hey Britt, can you come over to my place tonight?" She gives me a puzzled look, like she knows I'm up to something.
She smiles at me. "Sure, I just need to pick up my sister from primary school and then I'll be on my way."
I smile back. "Okay, great, see you in an hour."
"Bye San." I keep looking at her, until she arrives at her car. A jock bumps into me, but cowers quickly when I give him a threatening look. All right, it's time to drive back to my place.
I got a text when I arrive home. It's from Britt.
/ Hey San, I'm not going to make it tonight. I'm starting to feel sick, so I'm just going to bed early tonight.
Hmm weird, she didn't look sick at all when we parted ways after school. I answer anyway.
/ Okay Britt, feel better soon. See you tomorrow. Love ya
She answers almost immediately.
/ Love ya too, xx
Okay that's good, nothing strange about that text, I guess she's really just feeling sick.
The next morning, when I arrive at school, I get another text from Brittany. This one is sent in our 'unholy trinity' group chat.
/ Britt Britt: Hey guys, I'm not going to make it today, I'm sick. Have fun on the first glee club meeting!
/ Q: Feel better soon B. we're just going to skip the first meeting. Let them know who's in charge and all that ;).
/ Me: yeah right, make it seem like that was your idea Q, I know Sue whispered that in your ear the other day. Make sure you're not losing your power, just because you want your boyfriend all for yourself. And feel better soon from me too Britt!
While I'm typing my response, I walk into Quinn. She gives me a dangerous glare in response. "Watch where you're walking Santana."
I smirk. "I'm not even sorry Q, you were standing in my way. Don't act like you would apologise to me if you'd bump into me." She doesn't answer to that, which is just confirmation for me.
"Guess this is going to be a boring day, Britt's not missing anything. We have this killer work-out after school from Sue. I'm not really looking forward to it." Quinn groans.
"Yeah I know. I'll go see Britt after school, I'm a bit worried about her. Will you come?" I ask her.
"No sorry, I can't. I have a date with Finn tonight. But tell her I said hey."
"Will do!" I call out. I wrap my hands around my shoulders straps, preparing myself for the boring day to come.
After running up and down the bleachers, doing almost a thousand push-ups (alright I'm exaggerating a little bit, don't blame me, it felt like even more) and trying our new routine for the first time, we're finally done with Cheerios practise. I pack my bags, give a quick goodbye to Quinn and rush to my car.
I want to see Brittany. Something in my gut tells me there's something that's not right. Fifteen minutes later I arrive at Britt's front porch. It probably surprises you that I don't come here that often. We almost always meet up at my place, or at the parc. More recently sometimes at Quinn's place too.
She says it's because she doesn't want her little sister to disturb us at her house. Which, I'll admit, she does. Charlotte is quite the little attention seeker. Britt tells me she has a little crush on me. Ow, how I wish she'd say that about herself.
I don't mind the fact we mostly meet at my place. It's just a bit weird.
Anyway. I climb out of my (black) Mercedes and walk to the front door. Don't judge my car. My parents are wealthy, and since I'm an only child… the only way of spending their money is through me. Sometimes it feels like they try to buy love through money. Though if it gets me a nice car to drive around with, then they are forgiven… for the most part.
I don't want to complain about my parents. They do their best. They love me and I love them. It sucks that they work a lot, especially my father. On the other hand, we barely fight, and when we're together, we always bound over family time. I shrug my thoughts away. The front porch of the Pierces comes into view.
After walking the short distance towards Britt's front door, I knock (like a normal person would. Normally we use like this code, but I figure that it's not going to be Brittany who'll open and hear the door). So what I didn't expect is for Brittany to open the door like nothing's wrong. Her smile falters the second she realises it's me at the door. "Ow, SSantana, hey. What are you doing here?" She mutters.
A bit flabbergasted, I respond. "Uhm, I wanted to check on you, since you're sick and all that…" I give her a once over. "You don't look sick, did you magically heal in one day?" I look at her sceptically and use my 'don't lie to me' voice.
She combs her fingers through her hair, looking straight towards me. It's like she's trying to have a silent conversation with me, like she's begging me to let this go. Which I don't. I cross my arms protectively over my chest, daring her to explain whatever is happening right now. She takes a settling breath to calm herself door. It takes another second, but she opens the door for me wider. "Okay, I lied. I'm not sick. My little sister is, and I didn't want to let her alone at the house."
I walk inside the house while I'm answering her. "Isn't your dad home? He only works parttime right?"
She gives a nervous laugh. "You remembered that didn't you? Yeah he's also home. But I didn't realise that when I decided to skip school."
My step slows down once I'm fully in her hallway. A small click is heard from her closing the door. I turn around, glaring at her. I give her a little shove on her shoulder. "So you lied? Why would you lie to me and Q? We'd understand if you'd stay home for your sister. I don't get why your dad can't take care of your sister and let you stay home on a school day. It's your education, not something to laugh about?" She hangs her head low, stuttering a few incomprehensive words in the process.
It's at that moment an angry voice is booming. It's coming from the kitchen. "Brittany, who was at the door?" It's her dad. He comes into vision, standing in the hall with us now. His expression transforms very rapidly. I couldn't really see what he felt like before he saw me. Yet, now he's having the signature Pierce smile on his face. "Wel hello Santana. What gives us the pleasure of this visit?"
I give him a polite nod in return. "Hello Mr. Pierce, I just wanted to check on Brittany if she was feeling all right." He gives his daughter a questioning look. "Was there a problem?" I look between Brittany and her dad. They're having a silent conversation I don't understand a thing of. I decide to interrupt. "No not all, she just said she was feeling sick so I checked on her."
He stops the staring-competition between him and his daughter and turns back to me. A friendly smile comes into place. "Well isn't that nice of you. Let's come to the kitchen so we can offer you a drink. Brittany don't just stand there, your friend is probably thirsty." I know the Pierce-family is really well raised. Politeness is like the number one thing this family values.
"Yes, of course dad, come with me Santana. Do you want something to drink?" I follow Brittany to the kitchen. It's a nice cuisine. It has a little kitchen island in the middle, nothing fancy, but well enough to make a proper meal with.
Suddenly Britt's dad is clearing his throat. I turn around. Honestly, I forgot for a moment he was still here. "I didn't know you were a cheerleader Santana? Or that's what I think it is, since you're wearing such an outfit. It's quite.. revealing."
I frown my eyebrows. That's a bit of a strange question right? I mean, I get why he's surprised to see me in this costume. He probably hasn't seen me in this outfit yet. That's because if we meet after school at one of our houses (as little as I go to her house), we're always in our normal attire. We always change our outfits at our own places. It's a habit I guess. Even though I don't mind wearing the Cheerios skirts, I do prefer my own clothes. I give her dad a quizzical look before answering. "Uhm yes I am? Quinn's a cheerleader too. So that's nice, it's something we always share together."
Now he's the one who's frowning his eyebrows. After a few second, I see something click in his mind. Like a lightbulb went off or something. He draws his attention towards his daughter. "You're still a cheerleader too Brittany? I though you quit last year?"
I glance at Brittany, surprise visible all over my face. Huh, what the hell is going on, Britt hasn't told her parents she's a cheerleader? That's crazy odd!
I wait until she reacts. It takes a second before she answers. "Yeah I didn't, but I only started again this year. I wanted it to be a surprise on our first performance, and invite you and mom to watch the game."
After she said that, she gives me a short desperate look. She's begging me not to say anything? Why though?
Honestly, I'm too shocked to say anything at all. Why did she lie? We joined the Cheerios. We almost never miss a practice since last year. How the hell was she able to hide that from her parents? We're practising after school three times a week!
Her dad's trying to analyse Brittany, but she's unreadable this moment. He looks a little dejected. "Hmm, well it's nice of you to make such a surprise for us, but next time let us know beforehand. Your mom and I like to know these things about you… So you weren't practising your dance or going with Santana, to her house, when you arrived here only two hours after school stops?"
She puts her hands behind her back. I'm the only one who can see her fidgeting with her fingers like crazy. It's a nervous habit of hers. I've seen her do it a few times before. I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable at this situation. I understand her dad's confusion. I don't get why Brittany brought herself in this situation. However, I also feel guilty for getting her in this situation. Why didn't I change at my own house before coming here? "No I wasn't. And I promise, next time I'll let you know dad."
With that, their discussion has ended. Brittany passes me, taking a random bottle of … something out of the fridge. Once she closes the refrigerator, she takes my hand and pulls me to the stairs. "I'll check on Charlotte dad." Her dad doesn't even have time to answer. She's dragged me to the hallway, taking two steps at a time on the stairs. It's deathly quiet when we're walking upstairs. I'm not sure if I should be the one to interrupt the silence.
The first room I see is from her sister. Brittany opens the door as quietly as possible, checking if Charlotte's still asleep. It seems like everything is all right, because now she's walking towards her own room. Hers is at the end of the hallway.
The premier time I stepped into her room, my jaw dropped to the floor. I know every teenage bedroom is … unusual in it's own way. In spite of that … Brittany's room is on another level of quirkiness.
All right fine. I admit my perspective isn't the best to judge about something like that. You should see my bedroom. Everything is just black. Dark, classic, basic furniture. No posters. No personal touches. Just … a bedroom. Why would someone use energy to pimp up his room? The only thing you do in there is sleep.
Anyway. Seems like Britt doesn't agree with me on that.
There is a unicorn poster on her door. Thousands of colours are plastered on that poster. As a finishing touch, she (and Charlotte) painted another few colours on the door itself, so there's nothing left of the original colour. When you walk inside, you see light blue walls with pink flowers on it. Apparently the room came with that wallpaper. She's not a big fan of it herself. To cover up a bit of the pattern, she put up a poster of Charlie's st. Cloud on her wall.
I hate that movie. I didn't get it the first time I watched it, didn't get it the third time Britt made me watch it. It's creepy as hell in my opinion. Brittany understood the essence of the story, since the first time … and loved it apparently.
Whenever we watch a movie together, I have two choices if I let her choose. It's either Charlie st. Cloud, or Disney movies… It's better to embrace a Disney movie. I learned that after three times. The adult movie … it's just not my thing. The childish movies are better. And maybe there's a small part of me that loves those Disney movies too, just maybe.
I walk into her room, following behind her. She gently pushes me aside to close the door. Once she did that, she starts to get nervous again. She's fidgeting with her fingers again, jumping from one foot to the other. I need another second to wrap my head around what just happened five minutes earlier.
After some deafening silence, I decide to try to break the obvious tension in the room. "Quinn said hey, she couldn't come with me, date with Frankenteen or whatever."
She combs her fingers through her hair, gently making eye contact with me. She sits down on her bed before answering. "That's no problem. You shouldn't have come either, I would've been fine. But it was nice of you to think of me." She almost whispers. After that it gets silent again for a whole minute. And not the comfortable kind of silence.
I look back at her and narrow my eyes. Okay, so I guess she's not going to mention the big pink elephant in the room, guess I should start. "Britt what the hell happened? How come you didn't tell your parents you're a cheerleader? There's nothing wrong with that right?" I say, without trying to raise my voice. I don't want my emotions to take over yet.
She takes a deep breath in, looking a bit tongue-tied. At least she's trying to prepare herself for this conversation, I guess. "I don't know, it just never occurred to me to tell them." She states. I look at her unconvinced.
The gears in my head are working overtime, trying to find good arguments. "I don't think that's true Britt." I gesture to my own clothes. "Like this costume, how did you hide that from your parents? Did you change in your car or something?"
She looks up at me, surprise visible in her eyes. "Yes exactly, I just changed in my car before I entered my house." She looks away quickly, realising she just admitted it was a conscious decision of her. I have a small triumphant feeling in my stomach. Only small though, I'm not sure what's going on, but this is definitely no laughing matter.
"Hah so you did think about it." I walk closer to her, keeping my voice at a gentle tone. Though I try to make myself a bit taller, making her feel affected by me. "So what's the problem? It's not like your parents would've had a problem with that right? Or would they?" I question.
She stutters, her breath starts to rapid. There's a small thud hearable. It's my legs who stopped moving, touching the end of the bed. I'm literally standing between her legs now. She gets really shy, her ears are turning a bit pink. "No they wouldn't have a problem with it, it's not that."
I turn my head a bit in a questioning way. "What is it Britt? I'm worried about you. It's not like you to lie about things." I ask her with a distressed voice.
She looks up to me, our heads only inches away from each other. She doesn't answer right away. The air between us feels electric. The intensity of our staring contest is almost touchable. Suddenly, her eyes flicker to something lower on my face. Is she … looking at my lips?
I'm resisting the urge to question her. My fingers are twitching to reach out to her hands. I feel my heart, pumping my blood through my veins. I really don't want to read this situation wrong. My interest is piqued, but I don't want to come out of this situation with false hope. However … I want to test this out.
Listening to my curiosity, ignoring my anxiety of standing so close to her, I keep myself perfectly still. Before I snap, something happens. She presses her forehead on mine, looking me deeply in the eyes. It's something we sometimes do, bumping our heads together. It makes a really genuine connection to each other. Though it's been a while since we did that.
We're breathing in sync, before she suddenly stops.
And then she kisses me…
My mind stops thinking. Every muscle in my body freezes. I have no idea what to do. My best friend is kissing me! My best friend, whom I have had a crush on for ages, is kissing ME. My reflex is to breath in, because she startled me. However, that's a bit awkward if someone's lip are on yours. What should I do, let this happen? Pull away? This is everything I've dreamed off for so long?!
I decide there's only one right decision in this scenario... I kiss her back.
I feel the curve of her soft thin lips on mine, looking for movement in a natural way. It's an innocent kiss, although that doesn't make it less intimate.
She brings her hand to the back of my neck, pulling me even closer to her. Not that that's really possible, yet I don't mind one bit. I gently bite on her lower lip in response and I hear a silent moan (I take that as positive feedback). It seems like my left hand has a mind of its own. I caress her cheek with it gently, whilst my right hand is clinging onto her hair desperately, begging for the kiss to go on forever. I'm overcome with feelings. I feel her tongue carefully slide over my lips, asking for access. I give it to her without any hesitation.
Now I'm the one who's giving a silent moan, barely audible since it's silenced in her mouth. Wait, that sounds weird, don't think about that right now. Ugh Santana, get out of your head!
I really don't get how she has never kissed a person before. She's not more confident than the past guys I kissed, per say. Yet I wouldn't call her timid either. I mean … she started the Frenching of this kiss, not me. In my logic she probably wouldn't mind if I took a bit more control, since she started this whole thing. I'm still Santana, I like to be in control.
I push her tongue back into her mouth, and let mine explore things a bit, which, if I can trust the louder moans she gives me, is appreciated a lot. Whilst I'm doing that, I'm pushing her gently to lay her on her back on the bed. I straddle her and pull her arms above her head without breaking off our kiss. Then … the inevitable happens. We need air.
I grudgingly break the kiss. Her eyes are twinkling. I'm sure mine are too. Most of the times, I'm not a big fan of eye contact, way too intimate. Whenever I kissed Puck or some other guy, I never looked them in the eye. But I guess I don't mind with Britt. Her eyes have darkened a bit, her tongue is licking her lower lip subtly. Our chests are both going up and down quite fast, both breathing heavily. I take a settling breath to calm down. "What… was… that?" I ask her, still out of breath.
She waits with answering, until she catches her own breath again. "I owed you, remember. You joined Glee Club."
Right, I forgot about that for a second. Okay, maybe I shouldn't get my hopes up just yet about the meaning of this kiss.
I lean back, putting some distance between me and Brittany. "Okay… well thanks I guess." I answer awkwardly. I really don't know how to response to that.
"You're very welcome Santana." She's giving me a timid smile, her eyes are blinking really brightly. She looks … happy. Did I make that happen?
Time stands still for another few minutes, looking lost in each other's eyes. Suddenly, her smile falters. A line appears between her brows. It's like she's remembering something. She takes back her previous composure, putting her walls back up again. I don't know what to do about that. it's making me feel a little uneasy. I'm not aware why she has this sudden mood change. It's an odd feeling.
I have no clue what to do right now. She is the one who can talk about feelings, not me. I have no suggestions how to talk about that. And honestly, I don't really want to either. What is she trying to do here? What's the meaning of her behaviour?
Before I can say anything, it's her who breaks the silence. "It was very nice of you to come see me, but I think you should go now. My sister's going to wake up soon and I still need to go to the store to go grocery shopping." She says.
I'm shocked. So wait, now she's pushing me away? What's up with that? I scoff, "Yeah sure, whatever".
She was already at her door, but stops her movements when she hears my answer. Looking back towards my slightly hurt ego, she calls out my reaction. "Hey don't do that San, I'm not lying, I really do need to do some things. We can talk about … this later."
Part of me wants to yell at her. Another part wants to kiss her again. A distinct voice is begging for an explanation of this odd behaviour. She's not the only one who's not familiar with situations like this! This is all new territory for me too. I don't know how to react.
Maybe I should go home. Maybe some space will do us both good. But space for what? I don't really know. Be that as it may, she asked me to leave. I don't want to fight against her wishes. She's stubborn anyway. If she doesn't want to talk, she won't. it wouldn't be meaningful to stay and try to get something out of her. She wouldn't say anything, I know that much.
However, I'm not a robot. I'm not an object you can suddenly kiss and dismiss right after. To be honest, I'm a bit annoyed right now. I stomp past her, through her bedroom door, directly to the downstairs. I'm not running, but I'm making it difficult for her to keep up with my pace. Just because I decided to listen to her demand, doesn't mean I'm not mad at how she's dealing with this.
I stop when I'm at her front door. I take a quick glance her way. "See you tomorrow?" I ask, because I don't know if she'll come to school or not.
She shrugs her shoulders. If I'm interpreting it correctly, there is some guilt visible in her eyes. "Yeah probably, I think my sister will be able to go back to school." She answers.
"Okay bye." I answer shortly. I yank open the front door and walk back to my car.
I step into my car, starting up the engine. Before I leave, I take a look back to Brittany, who's still standing at her front door. She has a depressing look on her face, with a hint of a small smile in the corner of her lips. I'm starting to feel guilty. Maybe I walked away too fast. Maybe I should … no. I shrug it off. She kissed me for god sakes, and then blew it off a few seconds after. Not the other way! She should be the one explaining things.
Despite the situation, I can't seem to control my own stomach churn. When her door is getting out of sight, a tiny smile is starting to form on my lips. There's still a lot of talking we need to do … but we just shared our first kiss. And it was heavenly.
Ugh. Stupid orange light. I almost got a whiplash from hitting my brakes too fast.
Wait a minute. I suddenly remember something. I asked her a question before we kissed didn't I? Why did she avoid that? Damn it, I let her distract me.
… She wouldn't go as far as kissing me, without any feelings (from her side), just for distracting me would she?
Nope, no no no no, what is happening? I don't know anything anymore. She wanted to kiss right? Please don't let it be a distraction manoeuvre without something more, that would be cruel. Well I guess it would be cruel if she knew how much she means to me, which she doesn't. Not really.
Everybody has a brick wall. Mine is the one about personal feelings. And fear of being rejected I guess.
Either way, there's a more important matter. What was that interaction between her and her dad? Why did she lie about something like the cheerleading. It's not something to be ashamed about right? Parents wouldn't see any harm in that right?
There is something that I'm missing here. Something here, that's seriously wrong. There's a reason why Brittany is not letting me in. There's a reason why she doesn't let anybody in. And I want to get to the bottom of it. I need to find a way to help her.
Maybe I should start with finding out what this problem is. Where is the line where one too many coincidences in a row are not random anymore? Where in our history did I miss some clues? Am I missing some things, small things that happened in our past? Should I be able to put two and two together?
Maybe Britt isn't as clumsy as she seems to be. That story she told us some time ago, about the person in the store who hurt her, did she met them more than once? Did she tell us the truth and is she just clumsy? Does she feel unhappy? She wouldn't hurt herself would she? Maybe it does hurt her what other people tell about her in school (she always tells me she doesn't care about that, as long as she has real friends who don't think that about her)? Does she feel depressed? Is that why she doesn't want to get close to me?
One thing is for sure. I'm not letting this go. I'm going to find out what is happening in her life, even if it's the last thing that I do.