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Chapter 5
Same evening (after their first kiss and discussion)
"Mom, dad, I'm home!" I stroll into my house, still mulling around some memories from the past year. It's been a very disturbing car ride from Britt's house. I don't know what to feel. I don't understand part of the discussion we just had. It's making me rethink all of these memories, and it feels like I'm missing a giant clue or something. I don't know what's wrong.
Also ... that kiss… despite the circumstances, pure the kiss on itself … it was perfect. It's made me committed to ask her on a date, it is decided. I'm going to do it as soon as possible. If she says no, then she'll say no. At least I will have tried.
"Santanita, is everything okay? You sound stressed?" My mother comes in the hallway, walking towards me with a worried look in her eyes. She has a kitchen towel in one hand, whipping her hands dry on it. I guess she's cooking, or doing the dishes. Or both, since she's not my dad. If my dad cooks, it'll always look like a combat happened in the kitchen, I don't get it. Just clean a little bit during your cooking, is that so much trouble? Well he is a man, so maybe I'm expecting too much of him.
I give a sigh "Yeah, sorry mom, everything's okay. I'm just … confused. I've had a weird conversation with Brittany and it's shaken me to the bone for some unknown reason.
A voice rumbles from out of the living room. It's my dad's. He's sitting on the couch, reading todays newspaper. "Can we help?" I snap my attention towards him. "Dad, you're home!" I run to the living room, and jump on his lap. Don't judge me, I'm a daddy's girl.
"Well that's one way to feel a mother wanted." My mom jokes. I give her an amused look. "Haha mom, I gave you the same treatment yesterday when you came home from that very long case. You said I've almost choked you."
My mom's a lawyer, just like Brittany's mom. They don't really cross roads, or at least they don't know each other. My mom works in the social sector, like divorces and child cases. Britt's mom works in criminal justice, not always on the 'good side', which Brittany doesn't like, not one bit. But anyway, according to this law system, everybody gets a chance, so I hope second chances are given in a right and moral way.
When I crawl out of my father's lap, I remember my mood again and fall down on the sofa again. My parents both put their attention on me. I need a second to register this situation. It's been a while since we've been together, the three of us, without someone needing to rush out. My dad is a cardiologists, and he's a lot on call, and on duty. He works way more than is needed.
I get it… most of the times. He does save lives. And he tries, he really tries to be there for me. "Santana, what's wrong, what happened with Brittany and you?" My mother asks, worry lashing through her voice.
Despite the heavy feeling in my stomach I feel like this is the moment. I want to explain my worries about Brittany, but how do I do that without giving some context? How do I tell them the truth, without needing to talk about myself? That's not really possible is it? Is this … is this the time? Should I come out right now?
Huh, what is my mind telling me right now? Coming out now? Don't I need to wait for the ideal moment? Though I know that's a bit of a stupid argument. It's extremely difficult to find a perfect moment.
You can wait extremely long for the perfect moment. What's a perfect moment anyway? One where it's like very natural to put it in the conversation? Where people literally ask you something about your sexual orientation? That almost never happens. At least, I haven't had that in my life. It feels like I'm waiting on a boat in the middle of the Atlantic ocean.
Plus, I've thought about it before. Coming out to my parents. Even more, a few weeks ago I made a promise to myself. I promised myself I'll do it, the next time we're home with the three of us… I'm home. My mom is home. And my dad is here too.
I'm thinking about postponing it again. Should I chicken out? But …if I want to tell my worries about Brittany, then I think I need to know if I can trust them 100%. I need them by my side. Yes. Yes I'm going to do it. Right now. For me. For my trust. For their advice on this situation. I need to know if I can keep them close to me or not. I need to know if they will love me less for this. At least I'll know. The uncertainty is probably worse than knowing what's ahead of you.
"Sannie, what is it?" My dad sounds alarmed, now really starting to get worried. I take a calming breath. "No, uh wait, before I talk about something, I need to tell you guys something else. It's about me… and about Brittany too I guess."
It is not in my knowledge that in that moment my parents made a knowing look to each other. It's my father who takes the word "You know you can tell us everything right?"
"I… uh well you know I talk a lot about Brittany, and yeah, uh, so the thing is (deep breath, come on, I got this), I like girls, the way I'm supposed to feel about boys. So uh yeah, I'm what you would call… gay these days." I close my eyes after that, too afraid to see their reaction. It's silent for like five seconds, which is looonngg.
I hear my mother clearing her throat. "We know Santana. We've known for a very long time. And I want you to know, we're okay with it. It took me some getting used to, but faith has nothing to do with who you're attracted too."
… Do I hear this right?
My dad's jumps in after my mom "She's right Santana, we're so proud of you, no matter what. Thank you for sharing this with us, you don't need to be afraid. We're aware of those godawful stories where some children need to go through, believe you me, we researched, but what did you expect from a lawyer and a doctor right?" My mom shoots daggers with her eyes at my father at his response. " Hah okay, not the time for jokes. Where was I.."
My mom jumps in again "We want you to know that we'll always be there for you, no matter what. We're so proud of you, you're never alone and we love you so so much."
A relieved feeling washes over me. Tears are starting to bottle up in my eyes. It doesn't take long before they are starting to run down my cheeks. I'm so relieved that went well. It's indescribable to explain what I feel right now. Relief. Love… "I love you two also so so so much, thank you, thank you thank you." My dad hugs both me and my mom really hard.
But now the next part comes. It's my mother who senses there's more. "Is there something else going on Santana?"
I can't, I started a waterfall that's too fast to stop. "I'm in love with Brittany. But I don't think she loves me back. And there's like something strange going on with her. I don't know what. She doesn't let me help, she doesn't let me in. I don't know what to do. I'm so hopelessly in love, and I'm too afraid to tell her. And there's this weird thing going on, she's always hurt and I feel like it's my responsibility to fix it, but I don't know what's wrong. She doesn't let me in. I don't know what's happening. My gut is telling me something is wrong, and I'm so mad at myself I haven't realised this sooner." I take another breath. My lungs are burning from not getting enough air. "But I don't even know what it is that I should've realised sooner. She's in trouble, but I don't know how or when or why or what. And I'm lost without her. I'm afraid to lose her if I tell her the truth about my feelings. I'm afraid she won't love me back. I'm afraid there's something really serious going on in her life, that she's hiding. And I'm trying to break her walls. I'm trying to be so patient, because I know how I work, I need patience too. If people want to break through my walls, they need to be patient. So I figured it's the same with her. But she doesn't budge. And then she kissed me. And now I'm afraid she kissed me because I was getting too close to her and she looked for a way to distract me. And so that it wasn't out of a mutual feeling. And now I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm afraid she's in trouble. And I'm afraid I'm in love with her. And I don't know what to do about it. She just.. she doesn't let me in."
They didn't interrupt me once when I was doing my little monologue. I didn't know I was feeling things so intense. Forgive me, I'm still a teenager, I don't have my life 100% on the right rails. I'm not all knowing, especially if it's about myself.
I dare take a look at my dad, who looks a bit lost. My mom on the other hand is looking like she's thinking really hard. "That was a lot of information in these last 30 seconds." She grabs my hand, giving me some support. "First off, there's nothing wrong with being in love with her. I have my own suspicion she feels the same, but you're right, everybody has walls. You can't know for certain what's behind those walls. So you, my baby girl, it's okay to feel this way, loving another person is confusing, and it's definitely hard if it isn't both ways." She wipes away some lost tears on my chin. "Have you talked to her about this, tried to hint towards it?" I nod my head in the negative. She takes another deep breath.
"Well Santana, we taught you to be brave, maybe it's time to be brave about your feelings on this one. Maybe she is feeling as insecure as you when it comes to these feelings… as for the other thing, I'm not sure I'm following. What do you mean when you feel like there's something going on with Brittany?" I try to answer her, but my head is just a mix between confusion, sadness, love, anger and pithiness, and like all the other negative feelings. My throat hurts from crying so intensely. My dad takes me closer to him to support me.
"I can't really explain mom. I just realised that maybe there's more than just her being an introverted person. She lets me in, but only to an extent. And she has been hurt so many times since the moment I met her. She always tells me it's her being clumsy, and her explanations do make sense. But a few weeks ago she had like this huge bruise on her stomach, which she told us was from a lady in the store, or something. I forgot, that story didn't make any sense. And if I look back to different times, she's hurting on her back a lot, she sprained her wrist a lot, she limps a lot, like I don't know …"
My dad's sitting up straight at this. His voice sounds really serious. "Santana, are you saying you think someone is hurting Brittany, physically?" I nod my head a few times and start crying again.
My mom whispers to my dad, whilst I'm still laying in his arms "Victor, this is serious, we need to do something."
"But are we sure? This is a serious accusation. We don't even know who? Her parents are such nice people. They would have found out already if there was something serious going on with their daughter right? Her mother is one of the most famous people in town, she's great at her job… Does Britany have an older brother or sister?" My mom sighs "No I don't think so, didn't she have a smaller sister?"
I hick up and say "Yeah, only one smaller sister, Charlotte, she's 8." My dad moves around a bit, probably to get more comfortable, but he doesn't let me go. I'm really grateful for that.
My mom repositions herself, giving us some more space on the couch. She puts her hand on my leg. My father speaks up again "Who could hurt her? Maybe she is just clumsy. She's a great girl, but she bumped against a few things in this house too. Why would she lie about something like that?"
I start to cry louder again. Now Maribel speaks up again "Santanitta, this is not your responsibility. It's a good thing you told us. But as long as we don't really know what's going on, there's nothing we can do. Especially not from a legal place. Would it be okay if we tried to talk to Brittany sometime? Would that help? Maybe she needs another adult to talk too?"
I try to sit up a little bit more "No, maybe you're right, I have no clue what's going on. Maybe I've made like this expectation of what's happening, and it's my own experience who's turning it in a nightmare. But I want to know for sure. I'll try to talk to her again. Maybe it could help if you guys talk to her sometime. She always speaks so highly about you two, sometimes it makes me wonder if she came to this house in the summer for me, or just to see you two."
My dad gave a lopsided grin at that, sensing I'm trying to lighten the mood a bit. "Yes, I think that was it. The only conversations she had with us, always ended with how great you are. I'm sure it was for us she came." I blush a bit at his comment "Ow, are you blushing?" my dad chuckles.
"You've got it bad haven't you?" My mom says to me. "Shut up. Uh, mom, dad thank you for the conversation. I feel drained right now, I think I'm going to bed." My dad lets go of me so I can get up "Alright my loveliest daughter, sleep well, and know you can always talk to us. Together we'll find a way to solve this, whether it's just in your imagination or not."
Whilst I'm walking upstairs I hear them starting up the previous conversation again "Victor, we should take this seriously, I don't know how we can fix this or how we can find out if something's not right, but our daughter is a smart one. She has great instinct. We shouldn't cast off her words easily, just because she's in her teenage years . We need to keep this information in mind."
My dad gives a big sigh at that "Yeah, you're right. I feel for Brittany. I just hope our little girl won't suffer too bad from all this responsibility she's putting on herself. I know she wants to help, but it isn't her fault or responsibility. She can be wrong? This doesn't sound right. I've seen Brittany's parents. I really think they would know if something bad was happening to her. They're so protective of her"
After that I stopped listening, I'm too tired to think anyway. It did feel good at some level to talk to my parents. And maybe I am exaggerating some things. Maybe I'm just trying to find excuses to ignore my feelings. Anyway, we'll see how tomorrow will go.
School – the next day
I'm feeling jittery. I don't know if it's because I'm in a fight with Brittany or not. She did send me away yesterday. I don't know if she'll acknowledge our kiss. I don't know what's going on in her private life. I don't know anything. In the corner of my eye I see Quinn walking my way.
She gives me a quick once over. "What has made you so nervous? Finally ready to acknowledge I'm the better captain of the two?" I give her a glare "Shut up Q, I'm not nervous, just had a small fight with Brittany yesterday. I hope she isn't holding grudges about it."
I see her raising one eyebrow (what is it with people being able to pull up one eyebrow, it's creepy. Is that like a genetic thing? I once tried it in the mirror. Can't do it).
"You and Britt fighting? Never heard of that before, what did you do? Told her you don't like ducks?" I hit her on the arm "Don't make fun of her. What would you do if I said I hate uhn your nose!, miss 'I'm so pretty I can redo my nose however I want to, to make it beautiful".
A line appears between her brows. "Ugh, shut up Santana. That was a onetime thing. It did wonders for me. Would I do it again if I could go back in time? No. Is it possible to go back in time? No. So just … let that go man. Don't remind me."
I roll my eyes at that "Wow, look at us, only needing two sentences to get in each other hair". She takes a small step back "Hey, I didn't pick up a fight with you. I have nothing to do with this situation. Give me a break, it's morning, and you of all people should understand that is not the moment to create discussions."
It's a bit quiet after that. After picking out our stuff for the next few classes, Quinn speaks up again "Look, Brittany is strolling into school. At least she's showing up, that's already one point in the positive direction if you're having a fight."
I quickly avert my eyes to her. Today she's wearing a short-sleeved hoody with a scarf above her uniform. Sue's not going to like that. Interesting choice of fashion. Then again, she does have an interesting feeling for fashion, it's no surprise anymore if she comes up with another strange outfit like this one. Short sleeve with a scarf? Who comes up with that stuff?
She walks towards our direction, but she hasn't given us any acknowledge yet. A bad feeling starts to develop in my stomach. She's not making eye contact and her overall body language is giving off a very sombre feeling. Shit I've done more damage than I thought. The second she passes us, nothing happens. She just ignores us. She stops by her locker and quickly gets out what she'll need for first period.
"Damn S, what did you do?" I only push her away in response. I don't feel the need to explain myself. Guess today is definitely not the day I'll ask her out.
"Just shut up Quinn. Come on, we don't want to be late for history class"…
I wish this day was over already.
Once seated in history class, I see we're talking about the Viking age again. It's like this young woman, who's subbing for our normal teacher. Poor thing, probably one of her first classes ever, and it's about the dark ages, nobody likes to talk about that.
Plus, it's not even about history on its own, in some way school can make every subject boring. Ever had a class about animal behaviour? Yeah, nope, most boring class ever. It made Brittany fall asleep! I repeat, Brittany S. Pierce, most caring animal lover I know, fell asleep during a class about animals. I mean, how do you make it that boring? I don't get it.
I feel for this teacher, this class is going to be brutal for her. She won't survive a day.
I repeat, this is history. There isn't a single soul in here who likes to be here. Or maybe there are some. Britt seems to be in some pretty cool historic things. She has an obsession about the Vikings. Or, wait, the Normen. Apparently you can't call them Vikings anymore. They found out they never called themselves that. The name Vikings was invented pretty recently.
You know they didn't wear horns? I didn't believe her at first, but it's true. We all think they wore horns, because one of the first times those people were represented, was in the 18th century. They decided to give them horns on their helmets in plays and paintings. Funny how our culture can influence us right? It's creepy to realise how much history can change our views about the world.
I really don't want to know the amount of influence history has on my norms and values. What if all of the history I know is wrong? What if history was different? Would that change my being? Change my behaviour? Would it change my view on worldwide problems?
Could you imagine; what if the two World Wars were the first wars human kind ever did? It's possible right? What if people where an extremely peaceful kind. Where would have come that aggression from them? Could it have been because of thinking that human kind has been in war almost constantly, since we exist? I mean, there's zero chance that my theory is correct, but do you know what I mean? The way we see history is a big part of the way we see humanity.
… This is making my head dizzy. I don't know who or what to believe anymore.
I give the teacher one minute of my attention. "Now, the Vikings had their peak from the 8th until the 12th century. They were one of the most cruel people walking around this earth…"
Uh please woman, know your history. Britt told me we can't really say how cruel those Normen where. Considering they didn't write down their own history. Everything we know about the Normen that comes from written sources is written by Christian people and monks … who were attacked by them. Imagine you need to write the biography of your worst enemy. Would you be honest and optimistic about them? I don't think so.
Sure, they were cruel in their wars, but what people from that period weren't?
Wow, Brittany is making me sound like a history nerd. "… so all the men went out to fight, and the women stayed home to take care of the kids and food… "
Nope, I won't listen to this. The Norman had a different view about men and woman. They didn't really look at gender the way we are now. Another story Britt told me recently. They found a Viking grave many years ago. Archaeologists told the world it was a men who died during a combat or whatever. But then a few years ago, they discovered with .. science, that it was a woman!
Apparently they just decided it was a man because he was in combat clothes and had weapons in his grave. Doesn't that make you angry? How is it possible! Archaeology should be the most objective job in the world. But nooo, it's all about speculations and guessing. It's ridiculous. What if woman only became recently repressed by men? What if Julius Caesar was a woman? What if Charles the Great wasn't born a man, but a transman? You don't know, do you?
Oh god. Brittany made me like history. Nope, not going to happen. I hate history. You know how many dates you need to learn for an exam? And for what? For forgetting the minute you've written it down?
Sometimes when there's a test and I reread the things I've written, I'm already surprised what's standing on my paper. I already forgot the subject matter the second it's on my paper!
I wish Brittany was in my history class.
Anyway, this isn't the most important matter at the moment. I need to find a way to get her to talk to me again.
A week later
I still haven't asked Brittany out, hence I still don't have any more knowledge about … stuff yet. We didn't really fight or talk that much after that day. Her mood seems to be a bit better now, although still down, but overall she's starting to act like her old self again. Was this all because of me? Why?
I repeat, she kissed me! And then she pushed me away for no reason!
A few days ago I tried to speak to Quinn about it.
Flashback Quinn and Santana talk: three days ago
"All right that's it. What is going on between you two? I tried to talk to Brittany, which didn't really go that well, unless you like a one sided conversation. So I'm desperate. Somebody needs to talk to me. San, what's going on? Why does Brittany act so … lifeless? And what did you mean you guys were fighting?"
I was not prepared for this conversation. We're standing in the hallway, which is not the place for a conversation like this one. "Silence your voice Q, everybody can hear you. And secondly, you really think you'll get more luck with me instead of Brittany?" She gives me her signature Quinn-boss vibe and pulls me away from the school hall. We end up in a sort of janitor closet.
I look around for a bit, but there's not that much to see. Just two racks with cleaning material and some paint cans. You'd think they would use those paint cans to frequently repaint the school. Maybe make it look less like an abandoned building from the thirties.
"Wow Quinn, I'm really flattered, but I don't think this would be a good idea for our friendship." I respond, voice filles with sarcasm.
She lets me go when the door closes "God San, for one minute can we be serious? I'm really worried. About the both of you. Normally you guys are so in sink, and look at you now? Talk to me. I know we don't always see eye to eye, but I thought we've made a solid friendship by now. I'm hurt Brittany didn't open up to me. Please don't let me be hurt two times in a row."
Her speech actually makes me feel something. Should I talk to her? Maybe. Maybe she can help me see some perspective on Brittany and her behaviour…
"All right. I'm just … really worried about Brittany. When I was at her place the other night, I had a conversation with her dad, turns out: she lied to her parents about being a cheerleader. And she made a bunch of excuses to not be caught in a lie by her dad. And then I started to freak out on her. Also, I'm worried about her being in pain this much. Like it doesn't add up anymore, don't you think? I think there's something serious going on, but she won't talk to me. Ow and one more thing, when I tried to let her explain why she lied about the cheerleading thing, she kissed me! She actually kissed me, and it was heaven for ten magical seconds. But then she pushed me away again. So yeah that day when I said we had a fight, that was the day after our kiss".
Geez, you'd think I'm a person who talks with their emotions up on their sleeves. What's happening to me, am I not always in control of my speeches? I'm Santana freaking Lopez. I'm always the one in control of the conversation. I blame my emotions.
Quinn gives me calculated look, then an angry one, before making a big grin, and ending in a worried look. "Okay wait, hold up. We'll talk about the worry thing in a minute. But …she kissed you? And you let it? Are you …"
I interrupt "Yes I am gay, oh and I have a minor crush on Brittany"
She shrieks, Quinn Fabray actually shrieks "Oh my god, I'm so happy for you, why did it take so long for you to figure that out? You have like the most intense band I've ever witnessed with each other." She almost gets heart eayes for a second. "Intense yet so romantic at the same time."
"Wwait, you don't care that I'm gay?"
She huffs "Of course not, we're not in the 20th century anymore."
I give a small smile "Great... thanks ... I guess." Turning back to reality, my shoulders slump a bit. "There's only one mishap in your conclusions, we're not together. I don't think she even has feelings for me."
Quinn blinks her eyes twice "Of course Brittany has feelings for you. I know she's hard to read, but even men can see she's hopelessly in love with you." Wait a minute, did Quinn just actually said that. Could it be?
Hold on. Pauze for a sec, focus on the wrong thing. "It doesn't matter for now, did you hear my other part?"
Her focus turns to something behind me. She's deep in thought. "Yeah, I don't really know what to say Santana. I don't know. It doesn't make much sense to me, like how would she be able to hide such a thing from us?" She keeps still for a few seconds. "On the other hand, when you told me, I wasn't like 'no way in hell is this true', so yeah I actually have no idea if you're right or wrong."
Holy shit, Quinn isn't throwing the idea away. I don't want to be right about this. Please let me be overreacting about this. "So … what do we do?" I ask in a small whisper.
She pulls up her shoulders. Sadness clouded her features. "I have no clue. Maybe we should try to talk to her about it? Or would she just feel trapped in a corner?"
Ring ring
"Shit, that's the warning bell for Cheerios practise. We'll talk about this later. This is serious. But one more time, I'm so glad you came out to me." She gives me one small bear hug before we let go immediately. Then it's awkward for a second, because we don't hug. Ever.
"Thanks, but come on, we can't help anybody if our brains are fried from running two miles extra because we're late. We'll see Britt there anyway."
End flashback
We're at our last Cheerios practise for the week. Sue's yelling random things in her megaphone again. 99% of the times I don't even hear what she's saying. Suddenly, my interest picks up again. "Pierce, come here for a second. NOW." Brittany looks back at me and Quinn with a questioning look. We both shrug our shoulders, having no idea what the problem is.
I try to listen to the conversation in a subtle way, but they're too far away. I do see the coach gesturing to her scarf. She has been wearing it for a whole week now. Like, isn't she hot? Well duh, really hot. But you know what I mean.
Quinn and I already learned, that when she's trying out a new clothing thing, there's nothing that'll keep her from trying it out, before she decides on her own if it works or not. Guess Sue is trying to convince her otherwise. Although it almost pains me to admit, I'm with Sue on this one. It's annoying during Cheerios practise to wear a scarf, it's almost dangerous.
"Wait, is Brittany trying to make a discussion with the coach? How stupid can she be?" I hear a random cheerleader ask.
I immediately start to fume "You, 50 push ups. Everybody who dares to laugh can follow her… anybody?" It's quiet again. Shit, now my attention was away. Where's Britt? She's not with the coach anymore.
"Hey Q, where is Brittany?"
Quinn points to Britt at a faraway part of the field, running laps "There. I guess she didn't win the discussion with coach." I look back to Sue, but she's having the strangest look on her face … is that compassion? What the hell did Brittany do, and how come she has to run laps, if coach is feeling something? I'm confused.
Oh no, coach saw me looking to her and now she's walking towards us. She makes a motioning gesture to come closer. We immediately comply.
"Santana, Quinn. Does Brittany have a boyfriend?" I think our mouths fell open in sync. Firstly she called us with our real names, and secondly what kind of inappropriate question is that to ask as a cheerleading coach?
Quinn is the first to close her mouth "Uh no coach, not that I know off." I just nod no, still too shocked to give my voice place to talk.
Aaand she's still standing beside us. She's giving us a hardened look. She grits her teeth. Her mouth is set in a hard line. "Well, I don't like my Cheerios lying to me, make sure she never does again." And boom, she's gone. Brittany was only a minute before the end of practise done with her laps. What in the world did she say to Sue?
The only thing Britt said to us with a closed up expression was that she didn't want to talk about it. End of discussion.
Another week later
…. to try defying gravity …
Ugh, god, make it stop. Way to ruin a great song. What in the world are these two fighting about? Is this really about a solo? A solo Scheuster will give to Rachel anyway?
I don't even use my energy to try to fight this. I admit, I'm starting to like this group of misfits who are singing and dancing together. But nobody needs to know that. The less solo's I get, the better.
Brittany is begging me to sing more in the front row, but I'm not really ready for that. For now sitting in the back row is more than enough exposure to me. I'll decide when I'll shine.
But for the love of god, somebody needs to do something about that broadway-dreaming woman. Who does she think she is? It's like the whole world is all about her. And boy, when she feels hurt, everybody needs to find a solution. If there is anyone else hurt, then it's their problem… I'm one second away of going all Lima heights on this dwarf.
Brittany gives me a small nudge in the side, sending me a warning look. How does she do that? Can she read my mind? I hope not! Ugh brain, give me a break. You think way too much. She nudges me again, showing me her notebook: I feel your judgement radiating of you, don't let it bother you. Every club needs a lead nobody likes. Hah, prime reason I let Quinn lead our little threesome.
I'm ecstatic. This is the first time in three weeks Britt has made a move towards conversation with me. Before this, she just changed direction in the hallway or talked to Mike. My parents asked me multiple times now about the situation with Brittany. I never know what to say to them. It's difficult to give an update if you have zero interactions with that person. So this? This is progress.
Okay, act normal Santana. "Give me your pen" I whisper to Brittany.
She gives me that thing with all those wobbly strings on top. She calls it a pen, I don't agree. I don't know the proper word for something like that. At least you can write with it. I gently take her notebook to write a response: I just can't wait for the glee meeting to be over! I'm hungry, I want some of those cupcakes.
When she reads my response she jumps a little in her chair and mouths she can't wait either.
… Auch my ears! Did Kurt seriously miss that note? How's that possible? I'm sure he's able to sing so high, with a voice like hiss? Wait, I don't care about this glee drama. Let it go, they'll fix their problems themselves when needed. I'll give my attention to Brittany. She's someone who needs it, and someone I do like.
Brittany leans over to me and starts whispering in my ear. "Hey San, want to play basketball after school with Mike and some other guys?"
Huh, that's new, I haven't really hung out with Mike before. I know he means a lot to her, so I think I'll try my best to be on my best behaviour for this situation and see what's so special about this guy. "Sure Britt, whatever you want"
I get a small yay in response before we give our focus to the clock in the room again, counting the seconds before we're free to go to the lunch room.
Lunch room
I see Becky walking away from us with a cupcake in her hands. I didn't realise she and Britt were so close. I've never seen them together before.
Puck speaks up after recognizing Brittany. "Yo Britt, want some cupcakes for yourself?"
I see her hesitating. "I don't know, they're not the most healthy things to eat aren't they? And if my parents, or uh I mean better yet Sue would know this, then there'll be a problem. The Cheerios are on a strict diet you know."
She's looking so longing to those cupcakes when she's trying to convince us to not give one. I'll take matters in my own hand. I put two dollars in the box they call a safe, and give her some cupcakes. "Here Britt, take some for your sister too. Sue won't notice this. One day of cheating won't mean anything. And besides, do you actually believe Sue keeps track of all of our food habits? She must realise we're human beings with human needs. Food was invented for a reason. We're allowed to enjoy it once in a while."
She keeps looking at the cupcakes sceptically, but I see her crumbling. Why is this such an issue for her?
We're both conscious about our body weight, but I didn't thought it went as far as never allowing an exception. As long as the choice is in your hands whether you eat something or not, then it's okay. If another voice in your head takes over, and that voice decides for you what you eat or not, then there's a problem… I'm starting to get a feeling that Britt is having struggles with that choice making.
I try to make eye contact with her, silently begging her to not let that inside voice win. She nibbles on her bottom lip. After a few more seconds of intense staring she gives in. "Okay, but only this time. You're right, exceptions are important to allow." I give a triumphant smile in response and pack a few cupcakes in some tissues for her to take. When she's walking away I see Finn and Puck looking to me like nothing alarming almost happened. Ugh, idiots.
After school, basketball court of Lima
"I've never touched a basketball in my life, and now we're voluntarily going to play with some of the glee club?" Quinn whispers violently in my ear.
We're walking towards a basketball court. I didn't even realise Lima had one of those. It's near the parc, so you can see a lot of trees in the distance. The court itself is actually really boring. Just your typical concrete floor with four fences .. and two basketball hoops of course. You can see they haven't repaint the lines of the court for more than a decade. It's better to use your imagination, then trying to look for the court lines who were there once upon a time.
"Zip it Quinn. Brittany asked me and you to come and join them. I think she wants us to connect a little bit with other people. And I mean, it could've been worse. At least Berry and her sidekicks aren't here."
"Berry doesn't have sidekicks. What are you talking about?"
I exhale dramatically "Okay, maybe sidekicks is the wrong word. But I meant drama-attention seekers like Mercedes and Kurt. However, listen to me for a second. Brittany always does what we want to do when we're coming together. She doesn't like the game truth or dare, she's not the biggest fan of sleepovers and she sure as hell doesn't like to paint each other nails. Which may I remind you, I detest too. Nevertheless, for the unique moments she asks us to do something that she likes, wouldn't it only be fair to get out of our comfort zones too?"
Whilst I'm talking, we've arrived at a bank near the basketball court. I can see her and the others (Matt, Mike and Tina) warming up a bit. Playing a friendly game of – uh I don't know, I don't have any knowledge about what games you can play on a basketball court. It looks like their having fun.
Brittany looks great. She's in like this boyish outfit, which is making me feel things … a lot. It's like a short that stops just above the knee, in the colours black and white with a sort of cow head on. I'm sure it stands for some important team in America. Her T-shirt is tucked in on the front of those short. The short sleeves of the shirt give the right amount of attention to her arm muscles. She's already put off her sweater, but instead of putting it away, it's still around her hips. I don't know why, but I find it extremely hot, if somebody (aka Brittany) hangs their sweater around their body. Her (colourful socks) are a bit longer than normal, so in those low sneakers she wears, you can see part of the pattern of some ducks on them. The finishing touch is that cap she's wearing (backwards!). Wow. What a vision.
At this point Brittany has seen us walking towards them and jumps a few feet towards us. "You guys made it! Awesome, we wanted to play a friendly competition game, but it's a bit lame 2 against 2. I told the guys you were coming. They were a bit sceptic at first, but it's okay, I convinced them otherwise. They don't know you two like I do. If they knew how large your hearts were they wouldn't have any hesitation." She gives us an amused look. "If only there was a way to prove them wrong. They don't know that the way you represent yourself at school isn't the way you are."
Before we can respond, another voice speaks up. "Hello Santana. Quinn. I know we don't know each other very well yet. But Brittany tells us we're being unfair. To be honest, we didn't expect you guys to even come this evening, so that's … a start." Matt comes to a stop next to Brittany, with a tightened jaw.
Am I hearing this right? The nerve to say those words to us! If Brittany wouldn't be here, he would've gotten hell for that. But .. those are her friends. Time to put a friendly face on. I give a warning glare to Quinn. By this point in our friendship she'll know what I mean. She'll know she needs to act nice.
Quinn gives small huff in response, but gives me calm surrender in her body language. "Hey Matt. We'll let that slide for a moment. We're here to play right? Not talking?"
The atmosphere is starting to get more and more tense after Quinn's respond to Matt. I'm not the person who'll be able to change that. Hell, I'm still trying to convince myself to be around these losers longer then obligated. Luckily for Brittany (and us too I guess), Mike steps in to save the day. He's a really charismatic guy. I haven't really talked with him yet, but since Britt's so fond of him, he must have his values in the right place. And for now, I don't repulse him … yet. And I guess his girlfriend Tina's all right too. She just gives us a small wave, but stays at the court dribbling with the ball. Mike on the other hand, comes running towards us.
"Hey guys, nice of you to join us. Let's start. You can talk further during a little break. You guys know the rules to this game?"
Few, small war between Quinn and Matt averted. Nice one Mike. I'll take your white flag. "Uh no, not really. I know that ball needs to go in one of those hoops, but that's about it. I think Quinn knows a bit more, but a reminder would be very much welcomed."
20 minutes later
We just switched teams. My idea. Brittany and Mike are almost basically playing against each other. Tina just told me they tend to do that. At first they're being very friendly about passing the ball too everyone, even if you suck. There's no doubt they're the best players out of us 6, but they don't brag about it… at first. After a while they tend to become a bit more competitive against each other, so now for the last 5 minutes, it's basically them playing against each other.
Quinn, Tina, Matt and I are just foolishly yelling that we're free. After getting the information from Tina they always play like this, I propositioned to change the teams. Us four against Mike and Brittany. Let's see who's the best now. While everybody is taking a drink pause at the other side of the court, Quinn is coming to me with an excited look on her face.
"Hey, I've got an idea." I give her a suspicious look. Quinn's ideas aren't regularly ideas I'm fine with. Always listen before you show her your support. That's something I learned the hard way.
I grab my water bottle and take a sip, gesturing she can explain herself. "Okay, so you know how you told me you don't know if Brittany's feelings towards you are just platonic and nothing more?"
I choke on the water I just drank, sputtering out some of it. After checking nobody saw this, I snap at her. "Hush, not so loud Q, I don't want anybody to hear us!"
"Oh you scaredy-cat. She's talking with the rest of the group, nobody's paying attention to us. So back to my idea. What if you tease her a little bit, see if she takes some bait. Or maybe let her loose some focus. Gaining and keeping someone's attention is always a hint to … something more than friendly feelings."
Pff, she's laughing with the fact I don't like the l-word. I'm not feeling very comfortable with that word. It puts me in such a vulnerable place.
I give her a quizzical look. "Uh, I'm not sure I'm really following. What do you mean with teasing?"
"You know, like accidently bumping into her. Brushing her shoulder, doing a slow motion bow to pick up the ball. Those sort of things. Wait, or better yet. Start with taking of your top. See if she shows any weakness of you in a sports bra."
I cross my arms around my chest. "I'm not taking my top off to see how she'll react. We're not the only ones here. Besides don't you remember the rest of that conversation about Brittany? There are more important things happening then this stupid crush I have"
She grimaces and takes a look around before answering "I know. Believe me, I want to help Britt too. But look at her now, she looks sort of relaxed. I think if there is something really going on, then she needs moments like these too. Moments where she can relax and be her stress free self, in a stress free environment. So forgive me for trying to bring some light in the world. Tomorrow is another day we can try to solve things. If we find a way. I have no clue what to do about this San… We don't even know if there is a clue to find!" She makes grand gestures with her hands, trying to express her desperation.
She takes a soothing breath, trying to calm herself down a bit. "For now, back to you. Come on, there are more people walking around here in a sports bra. It's hot, I see you're already sweating. I'm sweating too, just .. not intensely enough to start sporting in only my sports bra. Just do it. Don't be a wuss, I want to help. Let this be the way I'm helping." She gestures towards Brittany. "Either we'll figure out she feels something more, or she feels nothing and then we'll find a way that you can let your feelings go. Mike and Matt are already playing shirtless. Tina has her top in a knot to cool down a bit. There would be nothing out of the ordinary to sport in you sports bra."
I'm not going to win this battle against her, I can feel it. "Ugh, fine. But I'm not looking to her. Can you like secretly look if she's paying attention to us?" We're taking a few steps so my back is towards the group and Quinn can look towards the group.
"Now!" she calls to me. Jesus, the things I do for this two woman. I am confident about my body, but this just feels way to calculated.
"Hah, step one is already established. She can't take her eyes off you for even one second. If I see correct she just stopped talking mid-sentence and started staring towards here… And you think she doesn't feel anything about you. Grow some confidence San"
A flush creps up on my face, before I scowl at Quinn "Maybe it's a coincidence. Maybe she's looking to you?" Quinn starts walking towards the group at that.
"You can be so stubbornly negative sometimes. Just take the win. Now come on, let's see how this match goes."
Everybody starts to gather on the court. Mike gives Brittany a gentle push forward, trying to gain her attention back. Hah, maybe Quinn was right. At least she was distracted by something and she was only looking my way, so … If I look very carefully, I can see that her cheeks have heated up a little. And it's not from this sport game, I'm sure of it.
"All right, Santana, that was a great idea. Let's show Mike and Britt how you need to play basketball." Matt says. Mike gives a deep belly laugh in response. "You guys wish. It may be four against two, but Britt and I will win this game. Let's say 20 minutes?"
And so the game began. Actually no, the two games began. The teasing one and the real one.
Okay, I need to get my head in this game. How can I be subtle about teasing her? How can I check if she's leering or not, without making it too obvious I'm trying to get her to leer? How can I tease Britt a little? It's tempting to ask for Quinn's help again, but my ego is too stubborn to do that. I'll find a way on my own.
Mike has the ball for the moment. Brittany runs towards me, trying to passe-by me, to stand free. Hmm. If I just stick with her, I might be able to gently tickle her arm. Or brush past her shoulder or something. maybe I can caress the line of her accentuated biceps. Yes! I'll try that.
Mike is dribbling, looking for the right moment to pass the ball her way. There we go. Three … two …
Wait. Where did she go? How did she..? How did she run that fast past me? How did I miss her?
"Goal!" Brittany jumps in the air. She just scored the first point. Mike runs towards her to give her a high five.
I huff, shocked by myself of my fail. "Oh the game is on Pierce!" I say to her. I have a competitive side too, and I'm not afraid to use it. She only raises a challenging look towards me. "You can try Lopez, but I'm not sure you know what you're getting yourself into."
And so it began.
The only other person on that field of importance to me was Brittany. I've got a plan, and I'm not failing again. Let's see how she can take this. Whilst she's dribbling the ball, I start to run towards her. Instead of really trying to steal the ball, I take my hand towards her shoulder and give a small tickle in her neck, one of her weak spots. When I stop sprinting and turn around, I see she lost the ball and Tina is starting to rush towards the other end of the court. Matt is right behind her and together they manage to score a point.
I look back to Brittany and see her being a bit flustered. They're blinking with a bit of confusing and hope. I think she's not sure yet if I did that on purpose or not.
I managed to do something like that for five times before she realised what I was doing. It's a fun game to play. See how far you can go without the other person calling you out on your behaviour. The only down part of that game … at one point you go too far. Way too far.
The last time, I was being really bold. I grabbed her by the waist, before putting my hand in her front pocket. She always keeps mints in that pocket, so I took one. I admit, that was extremely bold, and not that subtle to do in a basketball game.
I guess it's understandable she realised what I was doing now. Quinn just scored a point too and high fived Tina and Matt. Wow, playing one game and the ice queen's heart is defrosting.
Quinn's walking towards me now. "See! Look at Brittany, she's really flustered. And she's blushing! Like full on blushing! She's totally distracted by you. Doesn't this make you see she's just as enamoured by you as you are by her?"
I take a quick look at Brittany, who seems to find something really interesting on the floor. A small shiver of hope plants itself in my brain. "Yeah … I think you can have a point. She's definitely distracted by something. And she is blushing. Would you … would I really be a factor in that? would she really maybe feel something flickering between us too?"
Quinn gives me gentle look, knowing this is not the time to tease. I give her a solid friendly nod. "I don't like to admit this, but … thanks for the idea."
She gasps, her whole face lighting up: "Is THE Santana Lopez thanking me?!"
"Shut up, don't make me regret this. And look who's talking. Who just gave Tina and Matt a high five?" She paled a bit at that comment. "Touché. You know what, I actually think these guys are not all that bad."
From a distance, I hear Mike bickering. "Britt, we're losing. Keep your head in the game. Don't let things distract you. We've only got 5 minutes left!" He gives me a glare when he sees me looking at them. What's that about, why is he glaring at me? Is he such a sore loser?
I hear Brittany clearing her throat "Just give me a minute to cool down for a sec. This game is tiring."
She starts walking towards her water bottle near our bench. When she drank a sip, she comes walking towards us with a glimmer in her eye. "Hey guys, having fun?"
Quinn is first to answer "Yeah Britt, thanks for inviting us, it's cool to do something else then cheerleading for a change. And the company isn't that bad either."
Britt gives a really happy and approving smile to that. "See, I knew you guys would like this group." After that she turns her attention on me. A poker face comes into place, revealing nothing about her emotions right now.
"And you San, I didn't know you could be so clumsy. You never make one mistake during cheerleading practise, and here you already fell on me five times. Some would think you'd do it on purpose or something."
I give her my most innocent expression in response "I don't know what you mean Britt. You sure you're not looking for excuses for the fact that you're losing?" She's looking somewhere behind me whilst I'm saying that.
"Wait, what's that? Oh there's a bee near you San, it's coming right at you!"
"A BEE? I hate bees, take it away, kill it, hit it, I don't care, just take it away from me!" I almost jump in her arms, which she quickly responds to.
She drops her arms around me, and puts her hands on my (bare!) stomach. I gulp at that. Her hands are on my stomach. I repeat, her hands are on me, in a not so friendly matter. She makes it look like she's hugging and protecting me from behind, but I think I know better.
What do I do? What is that feeling starting to develop at her touch, coursing right throughout my whole body? Why is it suddenly so hot outside?
I keep still, my brain stopped working. There isn't a single muscle in my body that wants to cooperate right now. Brittany senses my freeze and starts whispering in my ear. There's a big sense of determination in her voice. "I don't know what's gotten in to you. But two can play this game. You feel where my hands are this second? It's your fault you're flaunting your abs around where everybody can look at them freely, but I'm the only one who should be allowed to touch them. You're teasing San, and I think you're doing it on purpose. But let me be very clear …"
At that point she's slowly taking her hands a bit lower and starts to fidget with the strings of my short. I get anxious. I don't want anybody seeing us right now. When I take a quick look around, I see everybody is minding their own business (except maybe Quinn, but I'm filtering that out for the moment). Good, otherwise I would definitely freak out. … in a different kind of way then the way I'm freaking out right now. God, she's killing me. She's making me feel things I've never felt before. How does she know this is such a huge turn on for me?
Wait. She's still talking to me. Her voice sounds deliciously low right now. "… I think we should talk about this thing between us. I don't think it's fair you can tease me and not the other way."
"Good one Matt!" I hear Tina say. Britt's hands move away faster than a lightning flash. Aaand she's gone. She turns around and looks to the group like nothing has happened. She glances towards Quinn, with the most innocent expression she can manage. "Strange, I really though I saw a bee, he must have flown away because he didn't saw any motion or something."
Quinn looks at me with a very amused expression on her face. "I don't know what I just witnessed. I don't think both of you even realised I was standing here. But do something about it." She continues when Brittany is out of earshot. "She just gave you the permission to further your friendship to something else…"
She takes a step back, shaking her head. "Now excuse me, I need to get that picture from a flustered Santana out of my head. It's too out of character for you" At that comment I start to blush even more. I hope with every fibre in my body that nobody else can see what kind of effect Britt just had on me.
Let's just say that Mike and Britt won that game. Yeah, let's just leave it at that.