What to do about Magik Gotham style?
Author's note: Time for the barbeque cook off mentioned in chapter 5 of What to Do About Magik Gotham Style. Since Forth of July is upon us I guess it's time to get cracking on this story. I suppose the true title for this story is can Amazon's Beat Man Meat? Yeah... going to be that kind of a story.
I used to watch a bunch of Food TV back when it was mostly cooks and chiefs cooking and not just folks eating at restaurants so I took that as the inspiration for this story (which will be several chapters). Oh, and this takes place after the story Harley's magical mystery tour (which I really should return to). The soda (you'll see) is stolen from the comic Waiting For The Trade (a comic about comics); a publication I both love to read and support on Patron. See waitingforthetrade dot tumblr dot com.
As I've written in other chapters, I find the whole Amazon lesbian plot theme that DC has rather silly as the publishing history of Wonder Woman is filled with boyfriends for both her and Wonder Girl (like the first thing Amazons do when they get off the island is hook up, or if I'm being crude they get off to get off). And of course there is the whole 'Where do new Amazon's come from' side plot that DC has that is about as detached from female issues as you can get (currently they pop out of a magic mirror fully formed as adults). Just to pile on, the new definition of lesbian from John Hopkins University is a non-man attracted to a non-man (wow talk about erasing women), while gay is still a man attracted to a man (which matches our courrent government as they can't define what a woman is… sigh). I somehow don't think Amazons are open to this redefinition of what it means to be a women, but I'm sure in the spirit of bad writing DC will say they are fine with it.
There is a brief reference to chapter 1 of this story, I wonder how that will develop (grin). And in all such crossovers between DC and Marvel the characters suddenly remember the alternate universes (in the comics it's like they always forget) but it will fade once the story is over. So… hold on to your Frosties as there is a great deal of sillyness ahead.
Part 12a: Mojo Productions and the Food Network are proud to present...
All that can be seen is a black cloaked figure wearing a black top hat lit by a bright spotlight standing on a medium brown hardwood floor. Just a circle of illumination surrounded by darkness as the unknown figure just stands there. The black cloak and hat conceal all aspects of the figure apart from the face, and the head is tilted downwards so it is lost in shadow. The only other visible detail is the white gloves that hold the ends of the black cape closed.
Then…
With a flourish the cap is thrust away as a sudden wind sends the cape fluttering behind the figure, arms out stretched on either side with the right hand holding a black cane, you can now see the figure is dressed in a tuxedo but the face is still in darkness.
An organ blares forth the theme music of Phantom of the Opera as the left white gloved hand grasps the rim of the top hat as the face tilts upwards.
DAAAAAAAAAAA!
DA DA DA DA DA!
DAAAAAA!
DA DA DA DA!
With a flourish the hat is pulled from the head as the face emerges from darkness. It's…
Alton Brown from the Food Channel!
"Greetings viewers… You're traveling through a dimension of the culinary five senses. A journey into a wondrous land of food. You first unlock this door with the key of sight, then smell, texture, taste, and finally sound. Beyond is what you've been unknowingly craving. You've just crossed over into... Iron Chief zone."
A stomp of the cane upon the ground and a spotlight illuminates Illyana Rasputin, A.K.A Magik. She is formally dressed and sitting at some kind of banquet as she states one word.
"Barbeque."
A second spotlight illuminates a brawny and busty Amazon who is seated three chairs away from Illyana. The Amazon states. "Women can barbeque just as good as a man, if not better."
A shake of the head from Illyana as she states. "Nope, nadda, that is a negatory ghost rider. No woman is silly enough to be that obsessed about burning meat on a grill. That is a definite man kind of thing and hence they are better at it. Logan's tri-tip and ribs are the best I've ever had."
The spotlight lights on the two women goes out as Alton states. "It is a clear fact that a woman can cook as good or better then a man. Ipso Facto it follows that a man can cook as good or better then a woman. It all depends on the particular individual. But…"
Another spotlight stabs down and again illuminates the Amazon as she states. "There is nothing a man can do that I can't do better."
The light again goes out on the Amazon as Alton resumes. "It is said whom the gods would destroy, they first make proud. The gauntlet has been tossed down, the challenge made. Tonight we shall test that Amazon hypothesis in the arena that is… Barbeque!"
More music from Phantom of the opera as the darkness is illuminated revealing a vast kitchen with six cooking stations, each station is in front of a pillar where a shadowy figure stands at the top. There is a very large curved desk, rather like a ( that is facing the kitchen where seven more shadowy figures are sitting). Behind the desk is a large audience in stadium seating setup in four sections, they are also in darkness. And above the audience is a VIP section, likewise in shadow.
Alton gestures widely at the audience. "First we have a selection of Amazons from Themiscyra, known to some as Paradise Island, where no man may tread upon threat of death!"
Lights flash down and the center two sections of the audience are shown. The seats are filled with Amazons, some in armor and weapons, others in robes. A most intimidating and alluring display of womanhood. They give a roar of a self cheer that shakes the air!
"Hooay! Hooah! Hooah!"
After much shouting the cry dies down.
Alton then gestures at the right side of the bleachers from his perspective. "As this is a multi dimension change, there of course must be representation from the world of DC!"
The lights now illuminate the right side of the bleachers and we see many a hero, and some villains, from the DC universe; most are in costume, as they likewise give a cheer. But… there is a bias on the DC characters in that there is a preponderance of Bat related heroes and villains; almost like it represented DC comic sales (Mojo wanted A and B listers from a sales perspective as this was a TV show and ratings matter). But the Batman was not to be seen (but… we are talking the Bat here so perhaps he's lurking in the shadows or is in disguise). And yes Superman is there (as Clark, and Lois was there as well), along with water guy (I mean Aquaman) and his wife. And of course Power Girl with all her… um… vast… ah…. boobage powers on display (face it DC, it's time for a Black Label Power Girl comic that has some… well… topless action; just think of the sales; oh wait, my bad, DC does not think about sales, just look at the stories they write).
"As day follows night, if DC is in the house then Marvel must be represent!"
Lights now show that the other side of the bleachers is likewise filled with characters from the Marvel universe, who enthusiastically cheer while the Amazons and DC characters all boo. There is likewise a bias in the Marvel attendees in that there was also mostly A and B listers (Avengers, Fantastic Four, Spiderman, DareDevil, Iron Man, and many a mutant), and it looked like the majority of the Marvel audience was male. Oh… and Storm was off on Mars so not attending and Sabretooth was one of the folks in the Marvel audience (he was sitting next to Mystique).
"And we have two very special sections of VIPs!" Alton points to the VIP balcony. "The royally of Themiscyra and the Uncanny X-Men with guest Loki! curtsy of Illyana!"
Lights now show the Amazon delegation. There is Queen Hippolyta, Princess Dianna (Wonder Woman) and other high ranking Amazons. For the X-Men we have the current team consisting of Illyana (of course), Cyclops, Firestarter, Forge, Iceman, Synch, Jean Grey (and a few others); plus Loki is sitting behind Illyana and looks pleased at being invited. Scott and Jean are sitting next to each other with Illyana sitting next to Scott. The X-Men and Queen Hippolyta look happy, Dianna is looking rather uncomfortable. As everybody is cheering Scott leans over to Jean and whispers.
"Not quite what I was expecting. I thought it was going to be a restaurant." The X-Men tried to have a group supper at least two times a week and each team member, in turn, provided the meal and one can infer that it was Illyana's turn. Her prior meals had been Pizza (from RIIPizzeria in Huntington Beach California, ahh such good pizza pies and beers). A hole in the wall Ramen restaurant in Tokyo, and In-And-Out burgers as New York City lacked the burger chain. But this time she's said it was Barbecue and everybody needed to be in costume.
Jean whispered back. "Think of it as dinner and a show. We both know how good Logan is."
A nod from Scott. "Yeah, really hope he's doing a brisket."
A slight furrowing of Jean's brows. "Um… who is that individual waving at us?"
Scott slowly looked in the direction of Jean's gaze and it's… "Um… he's called Black Lightning. Superhero. Shoots lightning."
A look from Jean that so says and how do you know him?
"I… um… think I've been here before. A party I think… on a… space station? Illyana brought me back when we all thought you were… um… dead." Why… one might infer that Scott did not want to talk about this topic. After all, if the space station is a rocking, don't come a knocking.
Jean could tell that there was more to the story, especially the big breasted redhead next to Black Lightning who was also waving, but the applause died down as Alton resumed speaking.
"But now… who shall be the judges of this competition? Who could possibly be worthy? Three men, three woman, and a seventh to only be used if there is a tie. Judges who are willing to face down the powerful. Judges for whom there can be no question as to their critiques. Judges selected solely by the Mighty Mojo himself, and I, with input from nobody. And of course judges who will bring in the all mighty ratings! Fear not O' viewers, for we have reached across time and space to bring you…"
The first judge is illuminated.
"Julia Child!"
We see a waving Julia Child, dressed as she dressed for her cooking show.
"The first lady herself of food! Classically trained in France. She led the way to upgrading food in America and arguably created the very concept of food TV!Any words of wisdom for us O' dame of cuisine?"
A smile from Julia as she raises a glass. "I believe in red meat. I've often said, red meat and gin."
"Words to live by!"Enthuses Alton. "Next... If Julia represents grace and courtesy, then our next judge is her opposite is so many ways. Straight from his hit show Hell's Kitchen, I bring you Gordon Ramsay!"
The lights illuminate Gordon Ramsay sitting next to Julia, he waves at the crowd as Alton continues.
"Known for his blunt directness, fiery temper, strict demeanor, and the frequent use of profanity. His blunt, critical, and controversial comments regarding other cooks have regales and offended viewers for years."
An evil grin from Gordon. "I am what I am. A fighter for good food. For those who are offended at my comments about their fuckups, stop taking things personally. I act on impulse and I go with my instincts when reviewing food. It takes guts to enter a cooking competition, but that doesn't make you a cook."
Dianna slightly cringes. She's eaten at various Gordon establishments and while she found them to be good, but over priced, she did know of his acid tongue when dishing out criticism. And so many Amazons were… shall we say… not receptive to such words from a man.
Time for the next Judge. "We have two cooks that embody grace and food thuggery, next are tasters of sophistical. Starting with… Selina Kyle, A.K.A the supposed Catwoman!"
The lights illuminate Selina, she's dressed in an elegant purple gown with a golden necklace with a panther dangling from the gold chain crafted from blue sapphires and white diamonds, she's sipping a martini (Grey Goose with a twist of ginger). "I am not a particular fan of barbeque but I've been assured of a scrumptious evening so I've deigned to partake of this event. It would be wise to not disappoint Kitty."
Alton moves on to the next judge. "Her opposite in so many ways, yet possessing a palate of refinement for the better things. Author of Wak Wak, Wak, How to get ahead in life! I bring you Oswald CobblePot, A.K.A The Penguin!"
The lights now show Oswald in his trade mark tuxedo and top hat. He has the long black cigarette holder in his mouth but it is unlit. "A pleasure Alton…" Is his smooth reply. "I am expecting some of the best and like dear Selina, there will be consequences for disappointment."
Diana eyes narrow as she is not pleased with the selection of these two judges, nor their words.
Alton gets extra dramatic. "Such is the risk faces all who enter the pit of the Iron Chief! Now… We have presented feminine grace and stealth, time for the queen of mean herself. Emma Frost, A.K.A the White Queen and CEO of Frost Industries!"
The white queen is illuminated and she is dressed in her trademarked white corset andyes there is lots of cleave on display, oh my, has Power Girl met her match? White panties, and thigh high white leather boots complete the outfit. She is likewise drinking a martini (in this case a blood orange martini). "I expect the best, that's the minimum they can do."
A murmur from the Amazons, and DC females, at the name of Frost. Was it the Frost? The source of Frosties, undergarments worthy of Regnarok itself? A sudden burning desire to… make inquiries of this Frost. And perhaps demands or offers.
Alton continues. "We have the queen of mean, now time for the king! I bring you a man who's name is always capitalized. The ruler of Latveria and best selling author of The guide to wining and dining allies and foes alike. Let their last meal truly their best. A book that outsold the Fantastic Four's cookbook ten to one, take that Richards! The one, the only… DOOM! A.K.A. Doctor Doom! Also know to some, and only some, as Victor Von Doom!"
Doom… I mean DOOM, is in his armor and green cape partaking of some whiskey (Whistlepig 18 year old straight rye) as he declares. "Doom shall partake of this contest and render judgment as to the worthiness of their creations. But note, Doom is not a puppet to be used for the entertainment of men, gods, or tricksters. Doom shall assist you because Doom wills. Why? Because Doom is… intrigued."
All the audience stiff a bit at the sight of Doom. Some as he is a foe (many of the Marvel folks have fought him in the past) others because Doom just has the presence about him. Alpha male of alpha males some might say. And if Amazons are lionesses, well… a lion is in the room.
Alton finishes introducing the judges. "And finally, a choice of reviewers that will make no sense to some. He's a Youtube and Reddit sensation and known for creating some of the best or worst content on Youtube, according to his fans or critics that is. Creator of such content as The T-14 Armata sucks! Self described as Gay AF, YouTuber, war historian, avid drunk and unable to sell you pizza. But here's a hint kids, you know you've made it when other YouTubers base their content about talking about your content and comments! I bring you LazerPig!"
The lights show a middle aged, rather balding and somewhat portly British man, he has a large glass of red wine in his hand and he's wearing green combat fatigues and boots. "I can't believe I'm here? Yes I know how to cook but this? FXXXing incredible. And sitting next to DOOM himself? My god a dream come true! And… I'm already drunk but who cares."
Doom turns to Lazerpig. "Doom finds the content of your channel… humorous." A comment that causes Lazerpig to almost swoon, and hits to tripled on his YouTube channel.
There is grumbling in the audience, mostly from the Amazon sections, as to the selection of the judges. Alton twirls his top hat as he announces. "Some may question these judges, that issue, at least culinary wise, will be answered later as each of he judges will demonstrate their culinary abilities as proper barbeque does take time."
Alton is standing in front of the desk. "I, your humble host, am Alton Brown and this is a special presentation of Iron Chief! Assisting me in this endear are the roving tag team reporters Harley Quinn and Pamela Isley, A.K.A Poison Ivy!)
Harley and Ivy walk onto the stage from the left side. They are both dressed in their trademarked costumes from the comics (very clean and spiffy). Harley in red and black, Ivy in green leafy stuff. They wave as the audience both cheers and boos as Harley gives out an enthusiastic…
"Hi'Ya! Normally I'm pounding meat with my baseball bat but in this case we're just talking about it!"
Both of them wave to the noisy audience, as Wonder Woman massages her temples as she can feel an the impending headache.
Alton continues. "Assisting me on color commentary and also a roving reporter is the legendary chief Emeril Lagasse!"
From the other side Emeril walks into view. He has on a chiefs hat, but is dressed in chainmail and has a massive battle axe over his shoulder. "Hi Alton, thanks for the invite."
Alton has an assessing look at Emeril's getup. "I take it you've been doing new things in retirement."
A bit of a smile from Emeril. "I got in touch with my Portuguese dwarf heritage and went adventuring. There's more to retirement then just selling air fryer ovens."
Emeral gives a playful swing of his battle axe caused Alton to jump out of the way. "Now this little plus five beauty is named Goodnite'now. And I know how you hate single taskers in the kitchen Alton so I can assure you it also makes a fine frying plate."
A node from Alton. "Most interesting and I'm sure we'll be learning more detail's as to your adventures, but now onto the rules of the game. First, unlike most Iron Chief competitions there is no time limit on cooking as barbeque takes time, and thanks to the wonders of temporal manipulation we shall get the glory of a slow roast without having to spend hours or days waiting. Second, there are no other cooks allowed. Each participant is on their own, if an onion needs chopping they are the ones to do it. Third, no do-overs. What you cook is what get's served. You can mitigated any mistakes, but you can't start over. And finally, no stoves. All must be cooked in some way using open flames, they be coal, charcoal, wood, gas or something else that burns but the heat source must be fire. The source of all ingredients must be disclosed, the point is to make sure that if you are using a homemade sauce that you don't calm credit for such while using a purchased product. And finally, in consultation with the judges, I am the sole arbiter on determining if the rules are not being followed and the consequences forthwith."
"I hope we're not talking dried cow patties Alton." Injects Harley.
Agreement from Alton. "One hopes Harley, one hopes. Now… onto the woman who started it all, the Amazon Aulania!"
A spot light illuminates a pillar. Standing upon it is a tall and formidable looking Amazon. Her torso is covered in a plate mail and judging by the bulges in the metal you can infer she is very chesty (we are talking comic book women after all). She's holding a ten foot spear in her right hand with the butt of the spear planted on the top of the pillar. There is a short sword at her hip and she's wearing an armored skirt.
Thundering cheers from the Amazons as Aulania looks stoic.
Alton continues after the cheers die down. "We briefly interviewed Aulania as to the impending trials. Role the film!"
SCENE CUT
We see a nice Greek style patio (white marble, vines on the pillars), in the distance is the blue ocean in what looks like a flooded volcanic caldera. It is in fact the island of Santorini because why not abuse corporate travel budgets… bring the whole family. In one chair is Aulania dressed in casual Amazon robes and in another chair is Alton Brown dressed in casual American clothing. He opens his mouth to speak but Aulania interrupts him.
"I do not wish to speak with a man." A look of dismissal. "And a scrawny one at that."
"Okay…" Is Alton's slow reply. "You did agree to an interview, all the contestants have."
"I did not know it would be a man. I would have specified otherwise if I'd known. I insist that a woman interview me."
Alton blinks a few times as he thinks, and then stands up. "As you wish madam."
He walks out of scene and after a long delay… Harley walks into view (wearing a red and black bikini and a white silk robe, she'd been sun bathing). Before Aulania had looked stoic, but now there is a sneer of disdain upon her visage as Harley takes the seat vacated by Alton.
"Not her!"
Alton Brown can be heard to sigh loudly off screen as Harley declares. "It's either me or Ivy toots. Or this old Portuguese guy. He looks like he'd be a curmudgeon but he's really nice and boy can he cook! He made these little dried fish cakes for lunch, fried them up in oil, and talk about wow! And the things he was able to do with a sardine…"
A growl of anger from the Amazon. "This is unacceptable."
A shrug from Harley. "Dem's da breaks. What were your words? Any time anywhere? Well dats now and dis place. Time to talk turkey, what can you tell me, and the future audience, about the team you've selected for this competition."
"No."
"Okay… can you tell us more about yourself?"
"No."
"What's your favorite recipe?"
"I do not wish to engage in conversation with the likes of you."
A sigh from Harley. "Honey, you're really putting the fun in funereal here. It's just a color piece like they do in sports like where you learn the upcoming Olympic distance runner overcame dyslexia or stuff. Folks like to know about that kind of stuff, helps paint a human face and info for future trivial pursuit games."
Harley's argument did make a kind of sense toAulania. "You are a crazed demented clown." Okay… wrong about those arguments.
A shrug from Harley. "Sometimes you've gotts to go a bit crazy to stay sane. So who's all competing with you? Who did you pick?"
Finally a grudging reply. "I picked nobody. I let our Queen pick one and the Amazon collective has selected the other who will join me."
"Ohhh… so it's a surprise."
Ivy walks into view, she's also in a bikini (green one). "Let me try Harls. So… do you cook much?"
"No."
A frown from Ivy. "No as in not answering the question or no as in not cooking much?"
"I do not cook much. Other, lesser amazons do that duty."
Now from both Harley and Ivy as Ivy follows up. "Lesser?"
A slight look of uncertainty from Aulania. "I misspoke, we amazons all live in harmony, each according to their abilities."
Ivy and Harley exchange glances as Ivy follows up. "So you don't really cook much but are entering a cooking contest?"
A slight sneer from the Amazon. "Yes, men are incompetent at all things when compared to an Amazon. I should easily triumpth."
A few blinks from Ivy and Harley. Ivy is at a loss for words, but not Harley (is Harley ever quiet).
"Yah know, this is kind of funny."
"In what way clown?"
"You and yours cooking. Showing your supposed innate female superiority by preparing food. What's next? Cleaning? Rub a dub, show men how to scrub a tub?"
Aulania eyebrows slightly rise as she contemplates that little issue, you can almost see the mental gears in her head grind as two plus two equals… oh Fxxx.
A shake of Harley's head, and a mocking tone. "Cooking's good but here's a hint. If you want boys to respect you, show them you're serious. Shoot something, blow it up! But winning at cooking? Na… that's kind of a no win situation."
A snarl from the Amazon as she rises from her chair and…
The camera hurriedly rotates to Alton as crashing sounds are heard off screen as he announces.
"Later in the broadcast we will be bringing you interviews of the other Amazons as well as the male contestants."
Harley can be heard shouting off screen."Take that you hairy backed harlot!"
More crashing and smashing sounds as Alton winces, then Harley is thrown into scene as she crashes sideways into Alton, and giving him a face full of Harley cleavage.
SCENE CUT (back to Iron Chief)
Alton looks apologetic. "That could have gone better. The next Amazon, chosen by the Queen Hippolyta is… Calala! Head chief to the Queen herself!"
The second pillar is illuminated and we see a thin, flat chested and plain of face woman in Amazon gear (i.e. armored chest plate and skirt) wearing a chiefs hat that looks very out of place. She has a carving knives in hand and also looks stoic.
Again thundering cheers and nods from the various judges as at least this person should be worthy.
"And finally, the selection from the Amazon council… Nailena! She's bold, she's outspoken!She's head oft he militant vegetarian front and here to prove that vegan barbeque is superior." Incidentally a group that also forbids any vegetables that look like a thingie as they believe such food is male oppression in food form.
The lights illuminate Nailena. She's a classic dark haired Amazon. Likewise dressed in the armor that Wonder woman favors. Armed with a sword and helmet as well.
Cheers from some, mostly silence from the others and the judges, even Doom, look either stunned or doubtful.
Now the lights dim as Alton announces. "But now… who will answer the call to battle? Let's find out as we cry out… Barbeque'rs Assemble!"
With a flourish of his cloak, Alton points his cane at the first of the shadowy male figures. "First is the man of many nicknames, Captain Terror, Experiment X, Agent Ten, the Canucklehead from Canada, but one name above all defines him. A man who's meat has been spoken of with praise by so many. The one, the only…"
"WOLVERINE!"
A spotlight now illuminates Logan. We see a short'ish but brawny man with major sideburns striking a sideways muscle poise as he flexes. He's dressed in blue jean shorts with ragged edges, a white tee-shirt, cowboy hat, and sandals. Garb that shows that he is quite the hairy little man. A little guy yes but in possession of quite a noticeable groin bulge so don't call him short stuff. One claw is extended from his right hand, upon the claw are chunks of cooked meat and veggies like some kind of kebab skewer. Wolverine, or Logan to his friends, takes a savage bite from the meat on his claw, then he shifts in a full frontal poise with his arms crossed, snarls as the remaining blades extend from both hands with a snick.
Wonder Woman puts her head in her hands as gasps are uttered from almost all the Amazons, and women, in the audience at the sight of Logan. This was so not a good idea, as her headache grows.
"He claims that he's the best at what he does, but what he does isn't very nice. But when he's not doing the nasty business, he likes a cold brewski and barbeque! If he was a dish it would be lean sweet marinated steak, a tad chewy but oh so good!"
Sabretooth makes a side comment to Mystique. "Runt doesn't measure up in so many ways, but I'll have to admit his meat really is first class."
A nod back from Mystique, and a half grin of a reply. "I can personally testify to that."
Alton continues. "As Aulania is the basis of the Amazon team, so is Login the center of the male team. Let's see what he had to say about today's event with this exclusive interview!"
SCENE CUT
We see Logan relaxing, he's in an outdoor recliner in a Bahamas style shirt in a pair of shorts, the first few buttons are undone on the shirt showing his hairy chest. He's got a cowboy hat on and a drink in his hand (WhistlePig ten year old rye on ice). He's talking to Harley, who's dressed in a tiny and tight bikini that is half red, half black (my-my she has pale skin). The background scene has palm trees so some place tropical, there is also a smoker cooking something as wisps of steam/smoke are emerging from it. The camera zooms in on Logan.
Logan takes a sip of his drink and then answers a question that you have not heard. "It's simple Quinn. Contest is flame'n silly. Cooking is about taste and folks differ on the topic. Best to one is marginal to another. For example Chuck thinks his chili is the best, but that's an opinion of exactly one."
Xavier's chili really is bad (one reason of many is he thinks overcooked corn and beets belong in a chili), and only reason he kept winning chili cook-offs was the repeated use of his mind powers. And he hates spicy food so the heat level is set to slumber some might say.
"What did Illy tell you about the contest?" Is Harley's next question.
"Some crazy gal thinks that being a woman means she's that best at doing everything and anything. Barbeque was mentioned so of course she claimed to be better then any man. Illyana apparently disagreed and this flam'en contest resulted. Kiddo asked me to participate and to pick two other bubs to represent."
Harley nods. "Anything else…?"
"That the gals in question have lived for centuries on an island without any men and I should keep that in mind." Answers Logan as he takes a sip.
"Yeah, the dick desert I call strap-on island." Laughs Harley.
Some choking sounds from Logan (and more gasps from the audience) as his drink goes down the wrong pipe while Harley continues.
"Half the island would be preggers if the U.S. Marines hit the beaches armed with nothing but Speedos and chocolate bars."
More choking sounds from Logan before he gasps out. "I have just the two then." Meaning other male barbequers.
"Good meat?"
"Some of the best."
A busty light green skinned female figure comes into view as Logan gets his coughing fit under control, she is clothed in but a dark green bikini, which is dripping wet. We can't see her head but we can hear her voice.
"I'm hungry."
Logan replies. "Ribs will be another two hours. There's some…"
A green skinned hand takes Logan's hat off and the generous green cleavage is wrapped around the back and sides of his head with the bikini strap ending up tangled with his nose; resulting in a great deal of side and bottom boobage can be seen. "I wasn't taking about food."
Logan's eyebrows go up, generating an expression akin to a little boy being told that why yes the candy store is free today, have all you want.
"Momma want's another appetizer as well." Comments Harley with a grin as she reaches for her bikini knot and…
SCENE CUT (return to the barbecue competition)
"Ahhh… strong words." Is Alton's diplomatic statement as he shoots a bit of an exasperated look at Harley and Ivy as he continues.
"But no less strong then those uttered from the feminine bench. Next are the two barbequer's in arms that Logan has selected. The first is the pan ultimate a mortal man can supposedly be. He's honest, up-front, loyal, extremely noble, and unfailingly dependable. Sweet as apple pie and tasty as prime rib. His physical attributes of agility, strength, speed, endurance, and reaction time superior to any Olympic athlete, as well as his fighting skills. But today the challenge before him is how well does he sling meat on the grill!"
The lights now show Captain America (Steve Rogers), but not in costume. He's dressed in casual clothing (shirt, shorts, sandals) and had a friendly half grin as he waves. While dressed his muscular form is very discernable as many of the audience both cheer and cast admiring glances; why even Dianna takes a long glance as she forgets about her headache for a moment. Steve just slightly shakes his head at Logan's antics, but then does a few poises as well to the delight of the crowd.
Wolverine and Captain America continue to do manly muscle poises as Alton points to the final unknown male figure. "Straight from a pre barbeque ritual bathing in the freezing waters of Jotunheim, home of the Frost Giants. The man, or shall I say god, who's meat leaves all who experience it prostrate in culinary ecstasy for hours on end. Ahh, just gaze upon his manliness of perfection, if he was a dish it would be rump roast! The god of thunder, the bringer of lightning… THOR!"
A spotlight stabs down and illuminates Thor as a music track begins to play, it's the Immigrant Song from Led Zeppelin.
Ahh! Ahh!
We come from the land of the ice and snow
From the midnight sun where the hot springs flow
…
Likewise Thor is doing muscle poises upon the pillar. Bulging muscles as the man, or in this case a god, is just immense. And… um… oh dear… Thor is almost naked but for a tiny electric blue bathing suit and an apron embroidered with the phrase, kiss the cook that somehow manages to conceal his unmentionables (like all comics do). His mighty hammer Mjolnir is resting handle up on the pillar with him. Thor reaches down with his right hand and slowly grasps the massive weapon, then lifts it on high above his head as lightning spews forth!
…
The hammer of the gods
Will drive our ships to new land
To fight the horde, sing and cry
Valhalla, I am coming
…
Cheers from some, gasps from others as Diana resumes massaging her temples. Yep, a definite major migraine was knocking on the door and demanding entrance forthwith.
…
Ahh! Ahh!
We come from the land of the ice and snow
From the midnight sun where the hot springs flow
How soft your fields so green
Can whisper tales of gore
Of how we calmed the tides of war
We are your overlords
…
"Art tho ready to burn some meat!?" Bellows Thor at the crowd.
"YES!" Shouts back many from the crowd, but most who shriek are not the Amazons, they look… like they are beginning to think that things are going off the rails. That perhaps this was a bad idea.
"My ears hear you not!" Shouts back Thor over the noise of the crowd. "Is this all the noise that thy can produce? My goats are louder then thee!"
"YYYYYYYEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!" Is the thundering response.
"THAT'S MORE LIKE IT!" Shouts back Thor as again lighting blasts forth from Mjolnir into a massive fire pit alight with an explosion of flame (the pit is a in the one of the six cooking areas and is the one reserved for Thor).
Loki leans over and gives a soft whisper to Illyana. "Now that's an entrance worthy of a god." As she nods in agreement. Man… this was going to be so fun was her thought. And perhaps, just perhaps, this was payback for Aulania having thrown that cupcake.
The men leap from their pillars as Alto announces. "Get ready for the battle of the century and answer to the question. Can Amazons Beat Man Meat? We'll find out in this battle of Machismo vs. Marianismo, where we learn is Barbeque from Mars or from Venus! We'll be right back after this commercial message from one of our sponsors…
SCENE SHIFT as a commercial runs…
We see a Kaiser onion roll piled high with roast beef and cheese, grasped in a large hand that has talons. The sandwich is raised to a large mouth that has fangs that takes a large bite.
The scene pans slowly out and we see the face of Sabretooth come into view as he takes another meaty bite.
Additional panning out and we see the remains of a fight as bodies are strewn about in what looks like a fast food restaurant. The name of the establishment comes into view…
ARBY's
Sabretooth takes a slurp of his drink using a straw before munching on some fries. That's when we hear Sabretooth's voiceover.
Damn, I love curly fries. Nothing works up a hunger like a good fight.
One of the bodies stirs and tries to sit up. There is a flash of claws and the body falls back to the ground. Again the sandwich is raised to Sabretooth's mouth, but now the claws are bloody.
Don't bother me, I'm eating…
Mmmmmmmmmmm…
The commercial ends with one of the bodies sitting up and announcing…
ARBY's… THEY HAVE THE MEATS!