What to do about Magik Gotham style?
Author's note: Oops, I kind of forgot about this story. Time to do more. This will likely be more then a few chapters.
Part 13a: Drinks first
We return to the stage and in the background we see all six cooking stations occupied by the contestants as they start their prep work. The song Respect by Aretha Franklin is playing as the camera zooms in an Alton.
…
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Take care, TCB
Oh (sock it to me, sock it to me
Sock it to me, sock it to me)
A little respect (sock it to me, sock it to me
Sock it to me, sock it to me)
…
Alton announces with a flourish. "And we're back!"
Alton is standing behind a roll on table that has various liquor bottles, glasses, mixing accruements, and smalls jars of various contents such as small onions and olives. Standing next to him is Cat Women (oops, I mean Selina) and Julia Child.
"In a few minutes we'll find out what our contestants will be preparing, but while we wait two of our judges will demonstrate some culinary skills by crafting some pre meal cocktails."
Which the two judges proceed to do. Suffice it to say that Selina jiggles most seductively each time she shook the martini mixer. They made the following and gave the history of each cocktail as it was made
Dirty Martinis (served icy cold, dirty comes from the addition of olive brine):
2 1/2 ounces gin or vodka
1/2 ounce dry vermouth
1/2 ounce olive brine
Garnish: 2 to 4 olives
Negroni (as the story goes, the drink was invented in a bar in Florence Italy in the early 20th century by the Italian Count Camillo Negroni. He asked the bartender to strengthen his cocktail, an Americano, so the bartender replaced the soda water with gin and added an orange peel instead of the Americano's typical lemon, served over ice:
3/4 fluid ounce campari
3/4 fluid ounce gin
3/4 fluid ounce sweet vermouth
2 fluid ounces carbonated water
1 wedge lemon, for garnish
Julia commented. "Now most people just garnish with a lemon wedge but I find that lazy."
A nod from Selina. "So wise. I prefer either a long strip of peel, either lemon zest or orange zest."
Julia then made the French 75 (dating back to World War I. The bubbly cocktail is hard-hitting, like the French 75-millimeter field gun it was named after:
Cracked ice
2 fluid ounces gin
1 teaspoon simple syrup
1/2 fluid ounce lemon juice
5 fluid ounces brut champagne, chilled
1 slice lemon
A bit of the exotic in the Zombie (created by Donn Beach, a legendary Tiki bar owner, and has since become a favorite Tiki cocktail. But be warned, after a few of these, you could be walking around like a zombie):
Ice cubes
1 fluid ounce cherry brandy
1 fluid ounce dark rum
1 fluid ounce golden rum
1/2 fluid ounce white rum
1 ounce lime juice
1 teaspoon pineapple juice
1 teaspoon papaya juice
1 teaspoon white sugar
1 dash grenadine
1/2 fluid ounce 151-proof rum
And finally, to more then a bit of giggling from both the two judges, and the audience, the drink called the Porn Star Martini (the drink has become a favorite in the U.K. and beyond since its 2002 inception in London). Douglas Ankrah, the cocktail creator, says he chose the name because he believed it was something a porn star would drink as it's pure indulgence, sexy, fun, and evocative. Though it's called a martini, this cocktail is far from a traditional martini. But after you try one, you won't think twice about the name:
1 1/2 ounces of vanilla-flavored vodka
1/2 ounce of passion fruit liqueur
1 ounce of passion fruit purée
1/2 ounce of lime juice
1/2 ounce of vanilla simple syrup together with ice.
Strain and garnish with a passion fruit half.
Sips from Alton and the other judges, with nods of agreement from the other judges. LazerPig was very taken by the Zombie and the Porn Star and was most vocal as to his enjoyment likewise was Gordon Ramsey as they clicked glasses, sipped and simultaneously proclaimed.
"Fucking delicious…"
At this point trays were handed out to the audience members containing shot glasses of each drink so everybody could sample and indulge.
Diana admitted to herself that the Porn Star was tasty but would never say that out loud. But afterwards she had concerns as to the sudden realization that the audience, and in particular, the Amazons, were in the process of getting liquored up.
Part 13b: Main attraction, article one, Thor
Alton announces. "Now that cocktails have been served, time to find out what's going on in the kitchen."
The scene switches to roving reporter Harley Quinn standing next to the almost naked Thor as he impales a massive dressed bovine carcass (dressed meaning it's been skinned and butchered) and then places it on a rack over the burning coals so it can be rotated over the heat.
Harley is holding a microphone. "So Thor… what's on the menu?"
Thor slaps the side of beef. "Well, beef as thou cant's see, roasted over the coals, occasional basted with sour wine that has been soaked with herbs. Ah… the hunber grows as one hears the dripping sizzle."
A sly wink from Thor. "Plus some chips of aromatic wood upon the fire."
Harley looks impressed. "I must say dat's an impressive hunk of flesh. Anything else?"
The camera pans over and we see the other items cooking over the fire as Thor proclaims.
"Lamb, as in a Ram from the hinterland mountains of Asgard. Salted, oiled, and stuffed with garlic cloves. Again basted with the sour wine."
And the final animal. "Boar, which I slew myself on a hunt this morning. Ah, just look at the fatty skin on that beast and what magnificent crackling shall result. This we baste with honey mead for an extra sweet and crispy skin."
Harley inquires. "Any veggies?"
An enthusiastic "NO!" from Thor. "The GOD of Thunder does not waste his time on this thing called vegetables! I bring the meat to the feast! Others bring the bread and… veggies."
Harley inquires. "I can see that. And dessert?"
Thor hosts a mighty flagon of… "Honey mead! What more would thy want!" As he downs it all in a long long pull, with foam in his beard. Then gives forth a might burp.
"This is how one cooks meat, which gives much time for drinking in the long winter nights!"
A nod from Harley. "And dat's dat. Pure simplicity. Kill, butcher, roast, eat. Manly meat behaviors at their most basic. And I must say…"
Perhaps there was a quick discreet glace downward at Thor as Harley continued. "And in this reporter's opinion, there is an impressive quantity of meat on display here."
Scene shift to the judges as they comment.
Selina: "Tasty, but there is more to barbeque than just slabs of meat."
Julia Child: "Impressive, large scale roasting can be simple, but quickly can become an utter disaster of over cooked and under cooked meat if care is not taken."
Gordon Ramsay: "Under and over cooking is the main risk here. I'd better not be served a chunk that is both burnt and raw. Good to see basting is being done but so many people just cock up basting. I'm going to assume the condiments will be basic salt and pepper."
Oswald: "Waugh… the lack of complexity is of concern. Plus no seafood?"
LazerPig: "Brutal and simple. But there is more to a meal then just messily shoving giant dripping gobs of delicious meat into your gullet."
Emma: "Hmmm, we'll have to see." As she daintily consumes an olive from her martini. "But I've always found Thor's meat to delightful."
Doctor Doom: "Thor is simple, and such is his cooking. That is a strength as those who grasp at what is beyond them all to often fail."
And the camera switches back to Alton Brown. "Cooking is the applied application of heat, drying, salting, brimming, boiling, steaming, acidification, or some other form of altering a raw food substance into a culinary result. I agree that just meat is of some dinning concern, but this does focus on the core that is barbeque. Let's take a brief glance at Thor's interview. Roll the film!"
Part 13c: Thor Interview
We see Thor drinking in a Viking themed restaurant and bar (Aifur Viking Bar in Stockholm, dark red wood tones everywhere, lit with candles). He has a massive flask of Linden Honey Mead before him, currently half full as he's just quenching his thirst. We can hear the clatter of the establishment as lunch is served. Thor is at a small walkup bar that has just four seats, only two are currently occupied. After the long pull Thor wipes the residue from his beard and speaks to the man seated next to him.
"A most odd request friend Logan."
"You got that right bub." Answer back Logan as the bartended delivered his drink, it was Profanity stout, a most dark and rich drink.
Aifur was a touristy location, but the beer and food was very good and Thor enjoyed the ambience. Plus many paid him no mind so it was a location that Thor could relax at. Thor continued.
"An island of female warriors, Amazons supposedly. Reminds me of that little Greek island… Lesbos I believe it was. They too had a group of female warriors who shunned men."
A small sip of his drink before he continued as he tries to recollect. "Pirates or… slavers got them I think, it was a long time ago. Marginal fighters to be honest, no real upper body strength. Regardless, your tale is humorous, a group of…"
Thor puts down his drink and does air quotes. "…Amazons…"
Thor reclaims his drink. "Think that they are better then men in all possible things. Most amusing. And immortal you say."
"So I've been told."
"How doth they reproduce? An island lacking men lacks half of the needed participants."
"I've been told replacements pop out of a magic mirror or something." Answered Logan after a sip. "Fully formed and adult."
A slight choking sound from Thor as perhaps some libations went down the wrong pipe. An incredulous Thor then answered. "Truly? Why not have storks for that matter. How amusing… warrior maids who ignore the maid aspects of their nature. Or…"
A suspicious look from Thor. "Are they truly women? Or are they smooth in the neither regions like this Barbie doll I've heard of. Or are they this trans woman many speak of. Self declarative of maidenhood but in fact men?"
"Naaa bub, original recipe, fully functional women." Was Logan's answer before he likewise took a long drink, just as the plate of appetizers is delivered. The comment of original recipe produced a boisterous laugh from Thor.
Plate from Trögden – Nibbles of Moose Sausage, Reindeer Sausage, Flat Smoked Pork Belly, Reindeer Heart, Lamb Roast and Cheddar Cheese. And since this was a lucky day there was also bear sausage.
Both men noshed upon the vittles with not but murmurs of satisfaction for some time, before Logan replied.
"What I've been told. Bunch of gal's who think men are inferior at all things, and that includes barbecue."
Thor gives a laugh. "Silly women." Before finishing his draught. Then a quick word wit the bartender and a glass of Spruce honey mead is delivered. A small sip, and then a follow up statement.
"There are battles to be had, feasts to be consumed, appreciative maidens to be rescued. Why should I waste me time on such trite affairs? Of woman who proclaim they are superior on affairs of the kitchen? Let them have their victory and forth with stay in the kitchen and deliver up a feast for us."
That's when Ivy and Harley walk up to the table, still wearing bikinis. They give Thor a simultaneous greeting as they take the two empty seats.
"Hi Thor… remember me?"
Thor's eyebrows rose. "Indeed I do. A most enjoyable all hallows night that was." (Authors note: See the story Harleys Magikal Mystery Tour, another story I really need to finish).
The two men partook of their libations as they watched the two scantly clad newcomers nibble upon the remains of the Trögden plate. Harley ordered a glass of Chili mead while Ivy went for Blackcurrant mead.
"Wow Ivy's, dis beer has major burn!" Proclaims Harley as she offers Ivy a sip. A sip that left Ivy choking a bit (Ivy likes spicy but is a bit of a wimp).
Logan aims a thumb at the two girls. "These two are going to be reporters for the cooking competition."
Ivy and Harley now describe the competition with a bit more detail. Each speaking in turn.
"Now imagine an island of women who haven't been with or seen a man for centuries or even millennia."
"Immoral and… likely…. very bored."
"Looking for new… experiences."
"All of them supposedly fighters."
"With a tendency to go completely man crazy every time any one of them get off that island of theirs."
"The isle of Lesbos." Injected Thor.
A shake of negation from the two woman as Ivy replies. "Themyscira actually."
"Themy'a what?" Blinks Thor. What is somewhat surprising as he is able to pronounce the most tongue twisting Swedish words without fault.
"Themyscira." Answers Harley. "Apparently a different island than dis place."
A shrug from Thor. The whole idea of an island of man hating Amazons was not very interesting to him. Likewise an island of women hating men. It all sounded so very gay and trite. Finding his glass now empty he ordered the Midgard Serpent which is a red ale.
"Regardless, what possible interest might a god such as myself have in this?"
Harley answered. "Lots and lots of meat. Really good grub, and those supposed lesbos who go man crazy."
Thor looks a bit thoughtful, then a slight shake of his head in negation "Sounds… silly. Cooking as battle between the sexes?"
A nod from Logan. "It is. But…"
"Yes?"
"Well… butt. Lots of butt."
Thor thinks for a moment, than the play on words is understood. While Thor appreciated the female body in all its parts, he was quite the ass man, or to use a more colorful term, like his women with a well equipped badonkadonk (see the story What to do about Magik Chapters 5 and 6… ah… some of my best work). "Hmmm, you have my attention friend Logan."
Logan spelled it out. "Lots of food, drink, and arrogant female company eager for battle."
Thor thought upon this idea, meaning he drank as Ivy and Harley looked over the menu. Harley went with a Helga salad, Goat cheese from Jämtland served with baby spinach, chard, beetroot and apple vinaigrette. Ivy went with Greby casserole, Crayfish & Shrimp Soup with Bauta Bread.
"I… suppose I could find the time." Was Thor's careful answer. "To… test this theory of barbeque." The squeals of delight from the two women was not in any way female influence upon Thor; as Logan gave an eye roll.
So… after a few more drinks, and a the dish named Rurik's large guild plate consisting of flank steak, rack of lamb and whole dwarf chicken served with 3 different sauces and oven-baked root vegetables.
Oh, and for dessert they had Aifur's famous chocolate mead truffles.
Part 13d: Back to the kitchen
The Amazon's do not look happy at the perceived disrespect of Thor's words.
Harley adds. "So… dis setup is going to take a long time to cook."
Thor nods. "Verily, and thus much time for drinking, singing, and the recital of poetry. And yet with the temporal alterations, the feast will be ready when needed."
A blink from Harley. "Poetry?"
An enthusiastic bellow from Thor. "YES! Brother Loki! Oh God of stories! I see you in the wings with the Mutants! Come! Join with me and let us recite for these doubters of the Asgardian arts!"
A puff of smoke and now Loki stands next to Thor, likewise holding a mighty flask of mead. He takes a long swallow before reciting the first section of the poem The Viking by Vladislav Raven (www dot poetrysoup dot com / poem / the_viking_-_repost_1096287).
Loki has a sweet voice that is easily heard by all.
Glory and honor oh man of the North
Valhalla waits to welcome thee
Spend a night of passion with thy Lady
For tomorrow death or conquest await
Now Thor recites in his deep voice that rumbles all like distant thunder.
Come into my arms my beloved
Thou art the queen of my heart
Let us share this night it may be our last
In joy and majesty our bodies join
Tonight is for Love tomorrow Valhalla may await
So gently my fingers do play across your soft flesh
Thy majesty doth tremble at my touch
You moan with pleasure as i do enter thee
We shall soon enter Loves' sublime
Tomorrow in the battle line we shall stand
Tomorrow our fate shall be sealed
Tonight the glory of Love
Brown eyes that shine with such Love
Into me eyes they seep to seek my Soul
Come my beloved find my Soul
Tonight you have already entered the heart
Now I enter thy body
If it be one last time then it shall be sublime
Now it's Thor's turn to drink as Loki recites, one can almost smell the smoke of battle and the sound of distant combat.
Night is gone the day is here
We stand in battle lines arrayed
Shield wall ready to make stand
Blood runs fury in the Soul
Together my beloved and I shield to shield
Battle fury raging deep within
An enemy across the empty space does run
Come unto thy death sons of war
The battle crash heard in Heavens' majesty
Odin blow your battle horn
Valhalla awaits now let us bathe in blood
Odin we fight on to battles' end
If this be our end let it be a tale to tell over and over
Let the Valkyrie come to take us home
The Vikings go home to Valhalla
Hail Odin father, God of the Viking
Thor again, but now with a heavy tone of sorrow and weariness.
The shield wall is broken
My eyes now grow dim
The battle now over Life it is lost
The spirit waits on
Unwilling to relinquish Loves' glory
Unwilling to relinquish life
Yet the Valkyrie come
They shall take me or pass me
Oh Odin father hear my plea
Take thy warrior son to Valhalla
Now both recite, each doing one verse.
Loki: Let these struggling eyelids eternally close over this life
Thor: Over this painful world of memory
Loki: Yet also memory of Love-light shall live on
Thor: I know the last sight I see but a memory
Loki: Two soft brown eyes in a sorrowed face
Thor: My beloved you had to go home to our son
Loki: We Loved through our night
Thor: We fought most of our day
Loki: My Love left with the ships
Thor: The dragon flies home to come again
Loki: We the rearguard held the hounds at bay
Thor: Once shield wall did break death and destruction
Loki: Now my heart beats come oh so slowly
Thor: My sword held tightly in my hand
Loki: This was a good day
Thor: Sing the song of my life
Loki: Vikings Odin father take me home
Thor: Come Valkyrie I am ready
Loki: My eyes close on this world my
Thor: Loves' vision the last thing I see
A final bellow by both.
The Halls Of Valhalla!
A clink of glasses and both drain their drinks. Then Thor proclaims.
"Ahhh… Sweet ale and mead! Not that sour wine poisoned with pine sap of all things that those Greeks relish."
An Amazonian voice sounds forth from the crowd. "Resin! We use resin to seal the wine vessels you ignorant clod! We don't just drip it in the wine!"
Thor grins. "Baaa! Just an excuse to hide the taste of inferior wine with less then delightful pine sap? We use such to water proof our vessels but we don't drink it!"
Loki chimes in."It will take many long hours for Thor to cook the meal. Will any join with us as we drink, tell stories, and recite? That of Asgard, and of yours!"
A few DC characters stand up, mostly women, and give voice that they will partake of the challenge. And some are Amazons with a sneer on their lips and disdain in their eyes, after all were they not Greek? And these, but bumbling barbarians of the north. How hard could it be?
With that Harley moved on and the temporal field speed up Thor's kitchen as this was going to take a day or so to cook.
On to the next!