Chapter 43

That's when you said
"How can I be your friend when I know the way you taste?"
It's almost 2AM and I can't ask you to stay
I don't know what's worse, getting broken or making it break -Feel It Twice, Camila Cabello

Bella

Through the kitchen window, I watched the gentle wind stirring the backyard trees as I scrubbed breakfast pans that didn't fit inside the dishwasher, lost in thoughts.

Seth and I almost had sex. A smile danced on my lips while revisiting our brush with getting caught. From there, I drifted into a more serious concern. Almost having sex with no protection or pre-discussion was troubling. I'd become so overcome with pleasure, I couldn't find the will to stop; that want and my enthusiasm astonished me. After some reflection, I decided it was his tangible need that sent me over the edge. Him wanting me in such a powerful way turned me on like nothing before, and I felt safe with him.

We talked about it afterward when I told him I'd never done it before. Surprised, and happy with that news, he admitted he had some sexual experience but never dated anyone long enough to go that far. Now, it would be a special moment for both of us. We planned on being prepared next time, but getting another opportunity was slim to none, because they were leaving for school in three days.

I always thought Jacob would be the guy who'd share my first experience with going all the way. I had wanted him to be be the one.

The summer sun shined hot and bright, a rarity for the area.

We hiked Second Beach in search for a secluded place, empty of the world. A high, thick line of boulders and driftwood came into view. With not another soul around, we made our way to the side near the ocean.

"This is a good place," Jacob said, waiting for my answer.

"Uh-huh." He and I both knew the purpose for finding a place to be alone, heavy making out.

We spread the fuzzy throw blanket down, and Jacob peeled off his shirt. My eyes landed on his abs, then roamed his arms and chest. I couldn't decide which part of his muscled body I loved the most. He grinned when he caught me staring.

I turned away and watched the waves as I removed my swimsuit cover and sports trunks, displaying the red bikini I bought and wore just for him and becoming self-conscious of my teeny choice. After all, I had no experience as a seductress. When I turned back toward him, his eyes rolled over my barely covered flesh.

I blushed, feeling naked, and shrugged with an embarrassed grin. "Its new."

Eyes wide and jaw open, he looked surprised; I assumed, because he'd known me long enough to know this wasn't my style.

He pulled me into his arms, caught my lips, and roamed my skin with his fingers. "You look amazing." Then, staring into my eyes, he said the words I'd waited ages to hear. "I love you."

A huge smile claimed my face as bliss consumed me. "I love you, too, Jake."

We coiled together on the blanket, our mouths intermingling. I could feel his excitement, and I was enjoying him just as much. He found my breast, brushing over it and rotating his thumb. Consumed with the sensation, I didn't restrain his hand this time. I let him tour my bare breast as I suckled on his throat and neck. He made a humming noise, and with a sudden roll on top of me, he slipped a knee between my thighs and flicked his leg out, spreading them. His fingers from his other hand had slid beneath the hip of my bikini bottom. I froze from the suddenness as I digested the feel of him between my legs. He must have noticed my slight pause, because he lifted his body from me with his arms and knees. His eyes dropped to my chest and back up to look at me. Deliberation clouded them.

I cupped his face to kiss him more and summon him back into the moment. He returned the kiss but stayed propped from further full-body contact until I ended the kiss. His eyes combed over my face. He pressed his lips against the bare skin in the middle of my chest, between the two sides of my bikini top, then flopped over on his back.

I sat up. "What's wrong?"

He brought his arms behind his head and closed his eyes. When he opened them, he said, "It's just that sometimes when a guy tells a girl he loves her, he thinks she'll go all the way. Sometimes she thinks she needs to just because he said it, or he might not keep going out with her. That's not why I told you I love you. So... you don't have to do anything. We can wait. We have plenty of time."

I thought his careful treatment of me, stopping himself whenever our make-outs progressed to that level, was sweet, and I believed his patience meant he truly loved me. Thinking it over now, his lack of aggressiveness wounded me, because I was sure he slept with other girls. What was wrong with me? Did I not arouse him enough?

Maybe I wasn't sure if I was ready then, but I wasn't sure I wasn't ready...

When I emerged from my trance, I caught myself twirling my fingers in the grimy dishwater with barely any suds left as it drained. Yuck! I yanked my hand out and washed them beneath fresh faucet water.

"Hey."

"Seth." I glanced over my shoulder at him.

He was leaning his head against the doorway as if he'd been watching me. "I knocked and said your name, but I guess you didn't hear me over the dishwasher."

"Sorry. I was..."

"Daydreaming," he said.

I grabbed for a dish towel and dried my hands as I approached him. "I thought you went with Emmett and Jasper today?" Tiptoeing, I greeted him with a kiss.

He broke away. "This is more important. We need to talk."

Since no one else was home, we sat down on the living room sofa. I thought I knew what was on his mind and had expected the conversation. When he didn't seem able to find words, I asked, "What is it? Is this about you leaving back to school?"

He shook his head. "It's about more than that." His hand trembled when he took hold of mine. "It's about the other day. I've been thinking about you a lot, thinking about us... It's about Jacob."

"Jacob?" I jerked my hand away and sneered. "What does he have to do with anything?" I folded my arms across my chest.

Seth's cheeks puffed, and he blew the air out slowly. "This is super difficult for me, because I've wanted this for so long, and you know that now. I've tried, Bella, but I just can't ignore him anymore and today..." He quit talking.

"I'm not sure what you mean?"

"Well, for starters. Emmett thinks I'm a dead man, and I'm not so sure he's wrong anymore."

Anger blazed within me. "Emmett said what?"

"He wants me to tell him before I get back to school, tell him before someone else does."

My eyes narrowed. "I don't care who tells him! I want him to know!" I wasn't thinking when I blurted that out.

He flinched, then stared at me for an explanation.

"Wait. I know how that sounds, Seth, but I didn't do this to make him jealous or to get back at him. I did it because it's over between us. He should know that. I'm sure he does. And this is none of Emmett's business."

"Really? Because I feel like its everybody's business. I haven't even told my mom yet, because I don't want to hear the lecture she'll give me."

The insinuation Sue wouldn't approve hurt.

"Don't look like that, Bella. You know she loves you. It would be about me and him. Have you told your mom?"

I didn't have to because she always seemed to know everything going on with her children; I tried explaining.

He lifted my chin. "Look me in the eye and tell me you haven't thought about him once since we got together."

My lashes fluttered, hoping he wouldn't see the lie. "I haven't. I know who you are, Seth, and I know who he is." I wondered where this conversation was coming from.

"Good! Because I don't want to be compared to him!" He chewed on the inside of his cheek, upset. Then his features softened. "I just know. If we take this further than we already have, me and Jake won't come back from it."

"You're wrong, Seth. It's over between us." Jacob made that decision!

"Is it?"

Dread kept me quiet while I tried to discern his behavior.

He said, "If we finished what we started the other day, things would be different right now. But I got the chance to think hard on us, and I can't be sure you won't have regret, because I don't even know if you love me?" His eyes begged for the truth as he waited for my response.

I gave him my honest answer. "I could, though." That was the best I could do for him. I cultivated deeper feelings for him since we got together, cared about him, trusted him, but I wasn't ready to say love. I needed more time. The emotion I once held for Jacob was my only form of evaluation, and I just wasn't there yet with Seth. The sad truth was, I didn't think I would ever allow myself to love someone the way I used to love Jacob. Not even Jacob.

Seth turned away, dropping his head. I had the urge to take his hand in the ensuing silence. I sat on mine instead, feeling nervy as I waited for him to say something else.

Running his fingers through his hair, he lifted his head and turned back to see me. "I'm going to go. I'll call you later."

I nodded.

Not standing up right away, he gazed at me, tilting his head. I reciprocated, and we fell into a long, soft kiss that tasted like goodbye.

Confused about our discussion and his sudden change of heart, I sat on the sofa, numb, for I don't know how long, until Mom's car drove up. Nudging the door open with her foot, she struggled inside, holding a package in one arm and a bag of groceries in the other. I hurried over to grab the groceries and took them into the kitchen.

"Someone left this box on the porch. It has your name on it, Bella, but the address doesn't belong to us." She lifted the box with both hands, taking a better look. "Ah, I know who's this is. It's the Clearwater's address." She handed the package to me.

I wondered what Seth left and why. I was about to go to my room, so I could open it in private, but I glanced over at Mom. Her anticipation was clear as she stood there, waiting for me to open it in front of her. I gave a shrug and ripped off the strips of packaging tape while she watched.

Surprise lit my face, seeing a vintage pillow person similar to Winkleberry. A boxer with short, black-fringe hair. He wore blue satin trunks and red boxing gloves. A bruised eye graced his square face, melting my heart. The name stamped on his gold championship belt buckle read "Pillow Fighter".

"Oh, that's adorable," Mom said, turning to the kitchen.

I drew out the folded piece of notebook paper, hiding beneath several crumbled wads of newspaper.

Saw this at a swap meet and thought of you. Jake.

To be continued...