Chapter 44
F*ck you, goodbye
You hurt me, for the last time
It's time for me to move on
So f*ck you and goodbye
I gave you love and I hate it
Yeah, all of the time that I wasted
F*ck you, goodbye
You hurt me, for the last time-F*ck You, Goodbye, The Kid LAROI
Bella
Saw this at a swap meet and thought of you. Jake.
Startled, I brought the note into my chest, not realizing mom had come from behind and read it over my shoulder, until she said in her playful voice, "Somebody's been thinking about somebody."
Fury shot through me. "Mom, stop!"
"What?" she asked in alarm.
"You've been pushing us together ever since we were young! Leave us alone now! You don't know what he did to me!" My mouth clamped shut when I realized I said too much. Grabbing Pillow Fighter and shoving him back into the box, I stormed into the kitchen, opened the back door, and threw the box into one of the overflowing garbage barrels.
She tried to talk to me, but I refused, taking my infuriating day out on her.
Later, up in my room, I lay on my bed, drowning in the saddest classical pieces of music I could find, trying to block Seth, Jacob, and Jacob's thoughtful gift from my mind. A roller coaster of emotions swirled through me, understanding Seth's reasoning.
I had no right to come between them. I knew their closeness.
A tapping on my bedroom door broke me from the daze. I didn't answer. The door opened anyway. Coming inside and partially closing it, Jasper dropped into the desk chair. "What's going on?" Concern covered his expression.
"I'm sure you heard, right?" I said in a sulky tone, turning off the music.
"Yeah, that's why I'm here. Sorry... Jake called Leah and asked her to give you something he sent. She stressed about it for a few days. It came yesterday. She didn't know what to do, so she told me. Like a dumb ass, I told Emmett. He got mad and couldn't keep his big mouth shut. He brought it up to Seth."
"What did he say to him?"
"He just told him to man up and call Jake now. He thought it'd be best if Jake had some days to deal before they saw each other face to face. He's worried about them. He thinks Jake'll be pissed!"
The door pushed open. Emmett poked his head inside. "Talking about me?" he asked Jasper, then turned to me. "Someone had to be the voice of reason around here, because I'll tell you what. If Jasper did that to me?"
"Nope," Jasper said. "Never."
It sounded as if Jasper thought Seth and I getting together was messed up, too. If anyone, I thought he'd be on our side. But neither of them knew why Jacob and I broke up. He cheated and broke up with me. He broke my heart. "We did nothing wrong!"
How dare they imply Jacob was a victim.
"Listen... I hate being in your business, but am I the only one who knows this affects us all? I love them both like brothers. So, just pick one, then stick with him!" Emmett said. He spun around and went back into his own room—Jasper following him—just in time, because I was about to shout at him to get out. His words filled me with shame. I could imagine how Seth must have felt.
I decided to apologize to Mom. She didn't deserve my outburst, and she was always my biggest ally. In her bedroom, after I told her I was sorry, she said, "I saw the way you two looked at one another since we moved here. I wanted Jacob for you, because I thought he's who you wanted, but if that's changed, it's fine and..." Her brows furrowed and in a stern tone, she asked, "Is something going on between you and Seth?"
An awful feeling of disgrace bubbled in me. "No." Not anymore.
"If Jacob did something that we need to talk about, tell me. What did he do?"
I didn't want her to know about Charlotte and Jacob. Or how much hurt I dealt with over it. The only people I told were Leah and my friend Angela. I lowered my head, deciding what to say, then confronted her concerned gaze. "He left."
"Oh, honey." She reached over and pulled me into a hug.
After we finished talking, I went outside to get Pillow Fighter from the garbage. Someone had emptied the trash. Panicking, I darted back into her bedroom, asking, "Where'd the trash go?"
"It's been flowing over since Christmas, so your dad took it all to the dump himself." She put her book down and went over to the closet.
I stood there, regretting my stubborn, impulsive, thoughtless throwing away of a precious gift from Jacob and wondering if she knew how I could get it back, undamaged.
She reached for the top shelf and brought him down with a smile. "I thought you might change your mind."
Somehow, Jacob crept into my life again, destroying the gobs of healing progress I made, bringing hurt and anger, but touching my heart at the same time. It was strange how he did it right when I was just about over him. Almost as if he psychically knew I was moving away from that darkness and fully letting him go. Lifting Pillow Fighter from my bed, I studied the little guy, frowning. Jake! I let out a huff and punched him across the room.
The cell phone I got for Christmas rang out. Seth's name displayed on the screen.
"Did you get it?" When I told him yes, he said, "I had this bright idea I would bring it over to you myself to see your reaction, but I couldn't do it."
"It wasn't a joyful reaction if that's what you thought. But I understand your feelings now. Seth, you can tell Jacob if you want or don't tell him. I don't care. I'm sorry I got you caught in the middle of this, but I don't want to be with him anymore."
"I haven't figured out how I'll tell him. Or even if I will. I was ready before. These are different circumstances, though."
It occurred to me Seth believed Jacob moved on until today. Jacob was the only person who could have given him that belief. He probably had been seeing someone.
"Maybe someday, when it's over for you both, it could work for us."
I told him yes, but I knew nothing would happen between us again. The guilt over this time was too much.
"We were planning to see the new Star Wars movie tomorrow. Don't suppose you still want to go with me?" The friendly, casual tone in his voice made me believe he was okay with us ending it, with no serious adverse tension.
Considering his invitation, I said, "I do." Seth was and always would be one of my best friends.
Leah called next. She was worried I was mad at her for not telling me first. I wasn't.
"Do you want to talk to Jacob? I have his number. I won't say anything to Seth if you want to talk to him. He wants you to call him."
I didn't have to think about it. "No, I don't. Please, just tell him I said thanks for the gift."
Emotional turmoil exhausted me. I was getting ready for bed when I heard Dad calling me to come downstairs to get the phone. Oh, my God! Will this day never end? I grabbed the landline, wondering who it could be, because I'd already given my new phone number to my friends.
"Bella, this is Alice. Edward said you might be interested in helping to decorate for the prom. Is that still the case? I'm completing my list."
"I guess so. What do I need to do?" I asked, but feeling depressed, I wasn't interested in our conversation, and I didn't give a shit about prom.
"Great, we're going be setting up a meeting next week to plan the theme."
I stifled a sigh of annoyance. "Sure, call me with the date and time."
"One more thing. Are you seeing someone, Bella?"
I choked in surprise and when the fit stopped, I said, "Excuse me?"
"I just... Edward will kill me if he finds out I brought this up. He planned on asking you out when he gave you a ride home, but he got the impression you're seeing someone. Are you?"
"No, but I'm busy. I have to go." The thought of attempting to go out with anyone else in my current state of mind was crazy.
I returned to my room and spotted Pillow Fighter sprawled on the floor in the corner. I picked him up, smiling at his cuteness, and set him on the nightstand beside Winkleberry. Then I brought out the framed picture of me and Jacob that lay face down at the bottom of my nightstand drawer.
Sifting through the day's traumas, I tried to understand why I couldn't tell anyone, especially my family, why we broke up and how much he hurt me. After several minutes, my internal examination concluded that it was because, if by some miracle, we made it back together? I didn't want their opinions of him tainted. I was protecting their images of him.
Somewhere in a teeny tiny corner of my heart, I held a speck of hope, and I hated myself for that. "Pick one," Emmett had said. Well, I wouldn't pick either of them.
Next time: Jacob's back.
Let me know if you're out there. It would make my day to hear from you.