Chapter 46

You find yourself at my door
Just like all those times before
You wear your best apology
But I was there to watch you leave —The Last Time, Taylor Swift feat. Gary Lightbody

Bella

Edward and I helped on the decorating committee for prom. Then it just seemed fitting to attend together. We officially went out a week later.

Wanting to continue spending time with him sneaked up on me, but when I took the leap, I fell fast. He was a different type of guy, charming and sweet and nice looking. My heart felt safe. The world became a lot bigger when I got with him. For the first time, I felt like I had a boyfriend, doing all the normal boyfriend-girlfriend things that, until now, I didn't do. We went to concerts, plays, fancy restaurants, and his family included me on some great trips. He played the piano incredibly. I loved watching him with his group whenever they performed somewhere.

When Jacob first came over to the house after he came home, I literally lost my breath. I might as well have been thirteen again. He was more stunning than he'd ever been. He developed his body more. His striking facial features matured. Simply put, he'd grown into a man. He made me aware of his continued interest immediately with a phone call. Acknowledging the powerful attraction to him still lingering in me, I kept my distance. Or I'd lose my senses again and ruin what Edward and I built over the months.

Out of the blue, it happened.

The alluring dark eyes I'd always loved to gaze into captured me. Letting myself sink into them, turned me to putty. So, when he dropped his eyes to my mouth, I kissed him, wanting nothing more than to give in and satisfy my desire. A sudden warmth bloomed in my lower belly, swallowing me whole, feeling so wonderful, I was helpless against it. The fact it was near impossible to stop touching and tasting him brought tears, tears over us not being together anymore, the devastation he caused me, my weakness for him, and my lack of loyalty to Edward.

Answering an interrupting knock, my head spinning, I opened the door, stunned to see Edward standing there. A fearful and shame-ridden reflex tugged my fingers to my lips—likely red and puffy—to hide the evidence. I dropped my hand as soon as I realized it.

Get it together, stupid!

"Edward." I motioned with a wave of my hand, nervous and feeling like a slut. "Come in."

I didn't know why he came back.

Relief moved through me, noticing he didn't seem to notice the involuntary tell, my warm face, or anything else out of the ordinary when he glided through the entrance. "I forgot my wallet in your bedroom," he said, as he looked in Jacob's direction.

I glanced over at Jacob, myself. He was standing by the window with his eyes on me. I felt compelled to explain that Edward only helped me hang a shelf, for Pillow Fighter, actually.

"Hello, there," Edward said to him, ripping me back to sanity.

Heart pounding, I leaped into the situation. "Jake, this is my boyfriend, Edward. Edward, this is Jake. He's a friend of the family."

The way I referred to Jacob hurt my ears.

"What's up," Jacob said, calm and normal under the circumstances.

"Good to meet you, Jake."

"Same... Hey ah, Bella, just tell Emmett I have his weight-lifting gloves. They came in handy today. He can find me at me Seth's."

For the rest of the day, I underwent a warmth in my belly when I thought about him, his mouth, and his body. I couldn't deny the fire I experienced sitting on his lap, feeling him up, letting him feel me up. Oh, my God! I was awful. I knew it even as I did it.

I felt horrible about the transgression and needed to do something about it. Troubled and unable to sleep, I called Jake at three o'clock in the morning, wondering if he'd be up. When he picked up the call, I guessed he couldn't sleep either.

"Jake, it's me. I thought we should talk about what happened today."

"Yeah, I'm glad you called."

"I shouldn't have kissed you. In my defense, part of me will always love you, too, but I'm with Edward. Things are good between us. It was a mistake."

"I never expected you to drop everything when I came home. I just wanted you to hear me out. I know I hurt you. I wasn't in a good head space back then, but that's no excuse. I wish I could change it. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am, to tell you how I feel, and for you to think about us. If you give me another chance, Bella, I guarantee I'll never hurt you again. All I'm asking is for you to seriously think about us, Bella."

"I will. I promise." I hung up the phone sad for us.

I wasn't sure if getting back together would make us happy. Or if we'd bring more pain to one another. As strong as my feelings for Jacob still were after all this time, I felt afraid. I already went down that road twice. I couldn't throw away a great relationship with Edward to try it again with Jacob. What if it didn't work? Edward would not hang around while I explored a situation with another guy, then come back to me if it didn't work out. I couldn't find trust for Jacob.

When I finally decided, I didn't even have the courage to speak to Jacob face to face or over the phone. If he tried to convince me, I didn't know what I would do, probably crumble as usual. I sent a cowardice text instead.

I can't. I'm sorry.

He text back: I'll get out of your hair now.

Edward knew nothing of my history with Jacob. I didn't share it with him because those memories were mine alone. Being polite, he'd didn't pry when I told him I didn't want to discuss my previous painful relationship. He just told me it was fine.

I intended to talk to him about Jacob and what happened between us after it happened, but I found I wasn't brave enough. I kept putting it off, time and time again. After choosing him, I didn't want to lose him over it. It only happened because it was Jacob. I wasn't a bad person, so I convinced myself to stop feeling guilty, and to let it go, because it would never happen again. I'd make sure of it.

Jacob left for Seattle soon after. He stopped coming to the house if or when he was around.

Edward and I continued to grow our relationship.

I'm sure you know that skipping through time reflects the title, Time Won't Let Me Go. In life, sometimes shit happens as it's happening with these characters, but hang in there.