Chapter 49

I've been holding on to hope
That you'll come back when you can find some peace
'Cause every word that I've heard spoken
Since you left feels like an hollow street

I've been told, I've been told to get you off my mind
But I hope I never lose the bruises that you left behind
Oh my lord, oh my lord, I need you by my side —Bruises, Lewis Capaldi

Jacob

Even though the actual dates might change, Easter Sunday would never be the same for me. Along with its original purpose, it would always remind me of the day Old Ben left me. He died from long-term diabetic complications. If he only hung around four more months, he would have attended the Olympics with me. I'd already qualified internationally and took the Elite Boxing Championship in my weight class, qualifying steps to making the USA team. It made me favored to have that spot in August, summer Olympics. I attended an Olympic Training Camp for preparation. It wouldn't be the same without him now. Nothing would. He'd become my rock, one of my primary purposes to succeed.

They scheduled his funeral to take place three days after Easter Sunday.

I was sitting in the first-row setup for active pallbearers selected by his family to serve at the funeral. They selected Seth, Jasper, and Brady to serve with me, along with some of his nephews and grandchildren. Ten of us all together. It's no surprise the best fighters he coached were the fighters with the strongest personal connections to him. It was an honor, so Seth took a few days off from his last year in school to take part.

We held the funeral services in the Tribal Community Center, where practices and boxing events took place. Ben practically lived in this building. Well respected and highly known around the La Push and Forks Communities, the center was the only tribal facility big enough for his funeral. Coaches and fighters from other teams around the country and from Canada came to pay their respects to his family. People loved him.

When the Quileute tribal singers gathered around the drum to sing his farewell honor song, the pallbearers lined up beside his casket while the rest of the people in attendance lined up for the final viewing before the casket's closing. I didn't know if all funerals played out in the same manor or if we held our funerals in a unique tribal tradition. Because there were so many non-natives in attendance, it made me wonder. The format I'd always been familiar with was for people to approach the active pallbearers, shake their hands, or hug them, possibly shed tears with them, then move to the casket. From there, they stopped by the immediate family members, sitting in the first few rows, on the opposite side from the rows designated for the pallbearers, and did the same.

I turned to scope out the line forming and spotted her. My stomach dropped as my pulse sped up. She was with Emmett, Charlie, and Renee, getting in line for the viewing. I guess, from my grief and the size of the attendees, I didn't see her before, and I didn't expect to see her. I knew Emmett flew back, but she didn't know Ben well enough to fly back from Chicago. "What's she doing here?" I said under my breath, not intending to think out loud or speak audibly when I accidentally did.

Seth heard me. He leaned over and whispered into my ear. "She came for a visit over the long Easter weekend and stayed because of this."

He would know. They stayed close.

Not me. Emmett called me every couple of weeks to stay caught up with me. I welcomed his phone calls, but I didn't pretend a rift didn't exist between us ever since we argued about Bella ten months ago. A rift existed between me and the entire Swan Clan now. I couldn't be part of their family anymore. Since she lived with that guy, he was their family now. I kept my eyes away from her. Dealing with my grief was difficult enough without seeing her at the same time. It could have been worse; she could have brought him to the funeral with her.

I stood there, shaking hands with people or hugging them until the Swans reached me. Charlie shook my hand and told me to keep my head up. Renee hugged me and said, "We love you, Jacob."

All I could do was nod at her. My throat closed with a lump. I hadn't seen or talked to them in a way that mattered for so long. When I was away at school or California, I didn't talk to them either, but this time the reason was different, so it made me sad, because I loved them, too.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Bella hug Jasper, then Seth, while Emmett hugged me. "It'll be tough to get through, but it'll be okay. Stay strong, buddy," he said in a choked-up voice.

I fought my tears. Everyone knew of me and Ben's closeness. "Will do."

With their family walk-through, I barely hung in there without having a complete crying breakdown. I missed them all. When Bella reached me, I didn't want to drop my eyes to her, afraid this would be when I lost it, but I did. She had red, swollen eyes and a tear-stained face. An awkwardness claimed the moment, because I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what she wanted me to do. I extended my arm out so she could shake my hand. She glanced down but ignored it, reaching her arms up to hug me. I bent and hugged her. She kissed me on the cheek and said, "I'm sorry for your loss, Jacob. I know how much you loved him."

"Thank you." I felt satisfied I managed that much in a near steady voice.

After we performed our duties at the cemetery following the inside funeral, I wanted to leave. The suit made me hot an uncomfortable, and I was emotionally beat. Everyone would follow the normal traditions of meeting back up at the Community Center and having a feed. A feed was where everyone regathered to eat together. After that, they would hold a tribal healing ceremony on behalf of Ben, since he was sick before he left us. Our funerals could be long that way.

When I started my truck, Seth approached and asked, "Are you going back to the Center?"

"No, I need to get some sleep." After the wake the night before, he and I stayed at the Center all night with some of Old Ben's family. We didn't want to leave him alone there, this being another tribal tradition.

"Yeah, me, too. But in a few hours, Jasper and Emmett are coming over to the house. We want to watch Classic Boxing in Ben's honor. I found the Leroy Spinks and Muhammad Ali fights and recorded them awhile back. Will you come?"

"Uh." I weighed the idea. Exhaustion made me reluctant to share company in my sorrow. But I thought spending time with Emmett and Jasper before we all split back up was a good idea. Jasper was alone in Forks now most of the year. Emmett was in Colorado. I lived in Seattle, and Seth was in Oregon. It was time to repair the rift. It went on too long already. Then I'd start visiting Charlie and Renee again. Bella didn't live there, so what did I need to worry about. "Yeah, that sounds like a good thing to do. I'll meet you guys later."

I got back home and out of the suit, but sleep eluded me. I tossed and turned, restless, so I climbed out of bed and paced around the house. Then I tried it again.

I thought about Bella as I lay there, staring up at the ceiling. She looked good, all grown up and as beautiful as I would have imagined. I was glad she found happiness. I could give her that after what I put her through. I left her so broken; I sent her running into Seth's arms. I didn't come to that conclusion lightly, but I eventually came to terms with the reality of everything I did wrong and how badly I screwed shit up. I must have been delusional to believe I could hurt her so bad and in such a cold way over the phone. Then stay away from her for a year, still thinking I could win her back without having done more to show her how sorry I felt as soon as I fucked it up.

Days after me and Emmett's argument, Seth told me about them.

After getting it out, he said, "I just wanted to set us straight and tell you it happened, so nobody will ever be able to use it against you or me in an argument."

I knew then shit Emmett said in the heat of the moment bothered him.

He played it smart by waiting until I made it back to Seattle, though, and telling me over the phone. He caught me in a bad way after that Swan get together. I went ballistic and said some, made some awful threats. I told him to stay the fuck away from me if he knew best for himself. Had he been in front of me? I'm not sure what I would have done. But I knew that if I put my hands on him, no matter the reason, it would have destroyed my relationships with him and my entire Clearwater family.

He turned into a wicked, tough boxer after his knockout—I grinned, happy about that—I'm sure he would have fought back, but the worst damage would have happened between us. I'm not sure we could have fixed it from there.

We didn't talk for two months. Then, once I calmed down and thought it out, I called him to bury the hatchet. It had already been a long time over from when it ended, and a lot more time passed by the time he told me. He wasn't with Bella, anyway, so why would I hold a grudge against him? I awarded him major points for breaking it off when he realized I still cared about her. It was my fault he didn't know. He kept pestering me at school, and in an effort not to let him know what a true fucking idiot I was; I told him it didn't work out, because the feelings weren't there between us. I made one stupid, damaging error after another.

I tried to use it to hate Bella for a while, but that was short-lived. Being honest with my mistakes, I accepted I caused it. All my wrong decisions terrorized me with agony, but I deserved the pain.

Lying in bed, I admitted to myself, seeing her set me back.

I needed something to take the edge off. I swung my legs from the bed and jumped up. Ransacking the house, I searched in all the old spots where I used to hide Billy's whiskey. I never poured them all down the drain. If his hangovers became too rough after a few days on a drunken bender, when it seemed he was in detox-sickness mode, he might need some to keep him from the hospital. Then I'd feed him shots to help him taper off for a day or two. Hitting the last hiding spot in a loose floorboard inside his closet, I lucked out and found an unopened pint of Crown Royal whiskey and gulped down a few blasts, hoping it would help relax me enough to get me to sleep.

I wasn't such a wuss I didn't work on moving on. I tried out three relationships in the past year. Nothing worked out. Nobody could understand my priorities, and they didn't enjoy playing second to my goals. Or, maybe I just didn't have a heart to give to anyone yet?

I gave up my world with Bella for this dream, so I would make sure, no matter who came into the picture, I would see my plans through to the end or the choices I made would be for nothing. As it was, the choices I made fucked me over big time. I rubbed my face with tense hands. I would have done everything differently if I could, but I held hope that once I accomplished the Olympics, I'd be fine and ready to move forward in that part of my life.

Sucking down a couple more blasts, I burned my throat and stomach, gagging. Ugh, that crap tasted sickening. I still didn't see the attraction, but if it unwound me, then great.

I recalled talking about Bella to Ben one night after I defended my National Championship when I couldn't get her back after the first win.

"Believe this, son. Like the saying goes, time heals all wounds, no matter what it feels like now. This is true. Me and Tia saw some of my kids through some devastating endings. Just give it time and force nothing. You'll get there, and that's a promise!"

Tears filled my eyes again. Man, I would miss him. Over the months, my determination to take him to the Olympics with me gained traction. I thought he was supposed to be part of it since he never realized his own dreams. I came to believe we were soulmates in the fact; he traveled the opposite path than me, making the opposite choice. I swigged another couple of chugs, nearing the end of the bottle, then laid back down, wishing the feeling would kick in soon as I closed my eyes. I didn't know what to do without him now. I wiped the new tears from my face. A dreadful aching pain hurt my heart that he died.

About a half hour later, I blew out a huge breath, still awake, but feeling it kicking in. It didn't make me sleep, it just made me aggravated with my thoughts. Opening my eyes, I glared at all the trophies lining my room. They gave me an empty feeling. I hopped back out of bed, noticing the buzz.

You'd think I was a winner with the number of trophies I earned. I wasn't. I lost—threw away the most important person in my life for that trophy. My first national award. Angry and regretful moisture pricked the corners of my eyes. I lifted the weighty image of two golden boxers fighting, asking myself, why did I have to choose? Why did Ben have to choose? This world was an ironic, cruel place to live.

A second later, wrath consumed me. I snapped the worthless piece of plastic, wood, and cheap metal in half, following up by busting more and more trophies. Then I couldn't take the rage coursing through me. I grabbed hold a dresser filled with them and hurled it over, smashing it toward the opposite corner of the room.

Something sprawled across the floor, landing near my feet.

A small strand of gemstones and beads lay out, shining in the sun-setting light that was penetrating the open curtained window. Plucking it from the floor, I recognized it. I remembered deciding on the unique string of homemade jewelry, buying it from some street vendors near the school, my first year in Chemawa.

I meant it as a Christmas present for Bella. She always wore an anklet in the summer. And she wore one on the day we went to the movies. Our first time holding hands. I thought I lost it, but Embry returned it to me on the bus ride back to school, so I never could give it to her. When I came home for the break, I forgot about it after it became misplaced in my room, because it took me forever to get with her that summer. Now it stared at me, way too late to do anything with it. Seeing it and seeing her again, caused a suffocation inside of my body.

I needed to get going, get the hell away from La Push and Forks, and back to Seattle.

After stuffing my things into my duffel bag, I hurried to my truck. A bothersome inkling infiltrated my brain. A moment later, I blazed it back into the house, snatched an empty envelope from the top of the fridge, found some paper, wrote Bella a short note, and stuffed the anklet inside the envelope with it. I wrote her name on the outside. Then I headed to Forks. When I reached her house, I pulled up alongside the curb and shoved the envelope into the black metal box. I swung by Seth's for a quick minute just to say goodbye.

"What's the rush?" he asked, concerned. "You better just stay and rest. It'll take you four and a half hours driving normal to get back to Seattle. With the spring fog warning for tonight, it might take you twice as long."

I thought about it, but feeling antsy, getting away seemed urgent. "Nah, I'll be fine. When you got to go, you got to go."

"You don't look good, Jake..." Worry rose across his face... "And is that alcohol I smell?" He raised his eyebrow.

I chuckled, making light of his perceptiveness, and tried to appear as I told him. "I'm okay, little brother. I just took a couple of shots to ease the pain I've been feeling the past few days. I'll call you as soon as I make it back."

I smiled at him.

His eyes showed leeriness, but he said, "Okay, but before you go, I need to tell you this crazy and unbelievable story that happened to me. I've been meaning to tell you about it, but I kept forgetting."

"All right."

"Let me run to the restroom, first. It's a long story." On edge, I rolled my eyes. He laughed and said, "It's long, but not that long. Just wait for me. I'll be right back."

I nodded, plunking down on the couch. Agitated, one of my legs shook with impatience. The bathroom door closed. I couldn't do it. I had to get gone. The world felt as if it was closing in on me. When I spun out of the driveway, he came sprinting out the door, waving frantic arms. I waved at him and kept going with a purpose. I'd be all right once I hit the highway.

The heavy fog surfaced about two hours into the drive. A calm, surrealistic quality settled within me as I became dazed by the fog.

I knew a guy once who blew out his knee during his senior year of high school. He had been on the fast track to receiving a full-ride basketball scholarship to almost any university of his choosing. After that, he went downhill, thinking his life was over. Talking about how he didn't want to try anymore, live anymore. I couldn't comprehend his despair, his fear of the future. I couldn't comprehend his wanting his life over. Driving through the dense fog, feeling cold and alone, I found a deeper understanding of the way he felt. Was it so bad to want another chance? A fresh start? An out, because Hell knew, I could use a do over. I'd already failed this lifetime.

I pressed down on the gas pedal, traveling faster than I should for the visibility, eager to get home.

I lost track of time and location, as I lost myself in my thoughts. Red reflectors glared through the white mist. There was a bridge coming up somewhere. I thought those specific lights glowed from it. The semi-truck's red taillights didn't pop out to my recognition until I sped right up its rear. I slammed the breaks with all my power and swerved. The sound of screeching brakes and crushing metal tore through my eardrums as everything went white…