Chapter 50

When I was young I thought the world of you
You were all that I wanted then
It faded & I never saw you again,
But I won't forget the love we had

Come to me now,
Don't let me go
Stay by my side

Don't let me go
Stay with me still
I've missed you so —Don't Let Me Go, Cigarettes After Sex

Bella

I came home for the holiday alone. Edward had musical obligations lined up over the long weekend, so he stayed in Chicago. Fortunately, he wasn't here when Ben passed. It made me able to attend the funeral without making up an excuse if he wanted to tag along.

Ben's death sorrowed the entire team, but he held an especially close bond with Jacob. I knew he'd take it hard. I wanted to offer him support, no matter how small. I still cared about him.

Mom and Dad volunteered to serve food at Ben's feed after the funeral. I went home with Emmett and Jasper to wash clothes and pack my bags. Emmett and I had scheduled late morning flights out for the next day.

I was sitting in the living room with them while I waited for my clothes to dry, oblivious to whatever they watched on television. Thoughts of Jacob consumed my mind. Picturing his devastation, I wished I could have done more to comfort him, but we weren't even friends anymore.

When's Ben's granddaughter read a poem she wrote about him, Jacob buried his hands in his face, his body shaking, crushing my heart, and sending my tears pouring. Sitting beside me, Emmett wound his arm around me and gave me a hug. "He'll be okay, sis. I'll do whatever I can to help him."

Awkwardness loomed between me and Jacob at the funeral when I went to hug him. It hurt, and it made me feel helpless.

A hard, fast pounding sprung me to my feet. Nearest to the door, I yanked it open to see Seth, frantic. He came inside and sputtered breathlessly, "Jacob lost it! He left town, and he's been drinking. I went into the bathroom to call you guys, so you could help me talk sense into him, but as soon as I let him out of my sight, he fled. I didn't even have time to dial anyone. I tried to follow him, but I couldn't catch up and didn't have enough gas to keep going. So, I turned around and came here."

"He probably wouldn't have stopped for you anyway. He's stubborn when he wants to be," Emmett said.

"I know. It was stupid, but I panicked."

Concern creased Emmett's features as he asked, "Was he just drinking or was he drunk?"

"Not by the looks of him. He looked exhausted and torn up, but he didn't talk drunk or act drunk. I only knew because I smelled it on his breath. He admitted he had a few shots when I asked about it. I don't know what to do now, because if I report him, and he gets a DUI, it might hurt his Olympic candidacy. He'll never forgive me."

"If he only had a few shots, maybe he's just buzzed. It should wear off fast from his athlete's metabolism if he doesn't keep drinking and as long as you're sure he wasn't drunk?" Emmett said in question form.

"I'm not sure. That's the problem."

"Buzzed driving is drunk driving, according to a billboard I read," Jasper said.

Emmett groaned in frustration. "I don't want to get him in trouble either, but Jasper's right. Since we don't know how much he drank, we have no choice but to report him, especially with this fog coming in. I'll call Dad." He looked at Seth and pointed to himself with his thumbs. "I'll take the blame for it. He's still a little mad at me, anyway. Maybe they can stop him up ahead. Do a welfare check on him or something, and hopefully he isn't drunk."

It didn't faze me Emmett would do that for Seth. Jacob was a month older than Emmett, almost to the day, but Emmett always acted as if he was the older brother to us all.

Squinting my eyes in curiosity, I asked Emmett, "Why is he mad at you?"

"Because of my gigantic, always-needing-to-be-right mouth!"

That was cranky, and no kind of answer. Later, when I got Jasper alone, I asked about it again. He gave minimal elaboration, telling me. During an argument, Emmett said some stupid stuff he shouldn't have said, but it was a private conversation between them. He came across as, don't ask me, ask him.

Dad called Jacob's vehicle in. I sat on the porch for a little while, watching the fog drop into our area, afraid the police wouldn't be able to spot Jacob's truck because of it. Anxiety over him kept me awake. I waited for Seth to text us when Jacob contacted him, like he told him he would when he got home. Each hour with no word increased my discomfort.

Jasper and Emmett stayed awake, too, watching television and talking. On my way to get a glass of water, I paused halfway down the stairs when I heard the discussion interesting me.

"I've got such a bad feeling. Why hasn't Seth or the cops called already? I was afraid he would crack. He was already in terrible shape the last time we saw him," Emmett said. "Out of all the times he needed me growing up, he needed me this time the most. I couldn't even be there for him because of what happened."

"I thought you guys were talking?"

"We are every few weeks. Not that great, though. He doesn't tell me anything about himself outside of shit that doesn't matter, and I don't blame him. I just wanted to keep the peace between everyone. I should have known he was hurting, and let it go, but I crossed the line that night."

"It was the alcohol."

"That's no excuse," Emmett said in aggravation.

"Then learn to control your temper, and listen to somebody when they tell you to shut up!"

"I know."

It disappointed me the conversation didn't provide me any information about their falling out I could decipher, but it sounded bad.

At four-thirty in the morning, our worst fears came true. We got the call from Harry, who'd found out through Rachel. They airlifted Jake to the University of Washington Medical Center in Seattle.

Our family drove in the police car. Dad was escorting the Clearwaters and Billy behind us, with his police lights blaring and his spotlight shining. This way, we could travel a little faster and see better in the fog. Thank goodness, it already lifted in places with the dawn's rising. It was the longest drive to Seattle I ever experienced.

"Keep your thoughts positive," Dad said on the way. "Too many times people panic and fall to pieces before they have a reason to, and things turn out better than they could have hoped. I see it all the time." His words sounded practical, but his worry lines told a different story.

Something stopped inside of me after hearing the news. I was shutdown the entire way.

We arrived at the hospital.

When they wouldn't let anyone see him, the fears I was suppressing raged. Rachel told us he slipped away during a surgery to stop internal bleeding. They brought him back. Horrified we might lose him, my stomach knotted as I held in tears.

Despair engulfed the somber ICU waiting area while we waited for someone to bring us news. Rachel paced back and forth, worried Sarah and Rebecca wouldn't make it in time. It made me wonder about Leah. I didn't know if anyone considered her in the panic. She'd need a ride. Who could do that besides Harry and Sue? It would devastate her if he didn't make it, and worse, she was alone.

The doctor finally came out and collected Billy, Rachel, and Sue for a private meeting. The wait agonized me. When they returned, Billy informed everyone they put Jacob into a medically induced coma for the time being to help stabilize his body and keep him from shocking as they continued monitoring him for additional internal bleeding. The next twenty-four to forty-eight hours were critical.

"We can see him now, but only two people at a time. Ten minutes at the most," Sue said.

Mom patted my knee. "When it's our turn, I'll go in with you."

"No." I couldn't see him that way. If he didn't pull through, I didn't want to carry the memory. I was barely containing my sanity as it was.

She nodded. "That's fine. Go in by yourself."

"No." They couldn't make me. It relieved me she didn't push further.

Seth and Sue went in first. When they came back out, she looked distraught. I didn't want to see it. I hopped up and went to the restroom. I splashed cold water on my face, then I snuck out the nearest hospital entrance and sat down on a bench. I needed fresh air.

Seth joined me outside. His eyes were glazed. "It's bad."

Blinking back tears, I said nothing. Fear paralyzed me.

He sat on the bench beside me. "The doctor said he has to fight."

"He will. That's what he does. He's a fighter." A lump lodged in my throat.

He shook his head, a thick doubtfulness claiming his expression. We sat in silence until Jasper and Emmett came through the doors and over to us.

"I never saw him so lost and hopeless, and the look on his face when he said it," Seth said to no one in particular. "You know what he told me before he left? His last words to me?"

Emmett took the spot next to him on the bench and asked, "What?"

"He said, 'when you got to go, you got to go.'" His voice broke, tears springing from his eyes. "I don't think he wants to fight. I think he wants to go."

Hanging his head, Jasper sniffled, attempting to suck back his own tears as Emmett swung an arm around Seth and said, "That's not what he meant, Seth. He didn't mean that." I covered my wet face in my hands, listening to Emmett's trembling voice. "He's strong. He'll fight and get through this. I believe it. We have to believe it."

Seth latched onto Emmett and let go himself.

After everyone in our family, aside from me, saw him, we left the hospital. We checked into an adjoining room at a hotel up the street to give the Clearwaters and Jacob's immediate family their space. Mom and Dad went shopping for travel necessities and ended up buying clothes for everyone. In our hurry, we neglected to prepare for overnight.

The day moved abnormally slow. Mom and Dad were inside one room, and Jasper slept in the other. Emmett disappeared for a long time. Poolside, I sat at a plastic table outside the opened, sliding glass door of the room Jasper slept inside. I finally saw Emmett coming across the pool area, exhaustion covering him. He sat at the table with me.

"Where did you go?" I asked.

"Just wandering around outside." Several minutes later, he said, "I'm not much of a praying man, but I found a tree out there, and I prayed like all our lives depend on it. I don't know what any of us will do if he doesn't make it. He rubbed his tired, red eyes. "You hardly talked today. Are you okay?"

"Trying to be."

"I've been meaning to tell you something I should have told you a long time ago..." He swallowed then cleared his throat. "I'm sorry I bullied you when we were kids."

Emmett always did what he thought was best. He was more of a "do as I say, not as I do" person, but I understood him. He overly warned me and teased to no end, but I didn't feel bullied. "You're a great older brother. What are you talking about?"

"I once apologized to Jake for steering you away from him, but you deserved an apology, too. I just can't help but wonder if I left you and Jake alone back then. Maybe he would have stuck around Forks. Maybe you'd be together now. And maybe he wouldn't be in the hospital, fighting for his life."

I didn't understand why he blamed himself for our failed relationship, and Jake's accident had to nothing to do with back then. In his grief, he wanted to make something his fault. I wouldn't let him. "We got together anyway, and our break-up had nothing to do with you. Besides, his boxing took him away, so he wouldn't have stayed around."

"I'm not so sure about that because he..."

"Emmett!"

Emmett lifted his eyes over me.

I turned my head over my shoulder to see Jasper standing in the room's entrance. Using a calmer voice, he asked, "Did you call Rosalie to tell her what happened?"

His first demanding bark confused me.

Emmett rubbed his face again, sighed, and said, "You're right. I should go call her."