Chapter 52

You give me it all, but I can't take it
You tell me I'm yours, but I can't fake it
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry
'Cause every touch is a lie and the good feels like goodbye —Goodbye, Carlie Hanson

Bella

The mid-April morning, thunder and lightning storm pounded rain hard against the window, making the room chilly. I grasped the Seattle Times newspaper and sat down at the kitchen table. While relishing a hot cup of tea, I re-read the articles again.

The first article was on the sports page about La Push Boxing Club spawning two National Boxing Contenders this season, Jasper Swan and Seth Clearwater. They were the Regional Champs of their respective weight classes. They trained at a club in Seattle while attending the University of Washington, but La Push Boxing Club received the accolades of their successes along with credit for Jacob's previous accomplishments. Both attributed their skills to Old Ben, and both made statements highlighting Jacob as their inspiration to succeed and their hero.

The article referenced another article on page five, the Human-Interest page. This one showcased Jacob Black. It told about the Olympic Hopeful who suffered a devastating car accident a year ago, preventing him from performing in the past Summer Olympics, after his dedication and near-successful outcome of becoming the representative in the Light Heavyweight Division, on the USA Boxing team. It talked of his determination and triumph over his medical challenges. He would once again enter the ring for the first time since the life-threatening accident, fighting at a Memorial Boxing event, held in honor of the late and great La Push Boxing Coach, affectionately known as "Old Ben."

The article invited Seattle residents and visitors to come see all the talented fighters in action Saturday evening in Seattle. This evening.

The bathroom shower turned off. A few minutes later, fresh, clammy skin wrapped around my shoulders. Shivering, I melted into his chest. "Reading that again?" he asked.

I tilted my head back, looking at him. "Um hmm. They're both good articles."

Jacob kissed me on the forehead. "Are you ready for tonight?" He popped his head through the opening of his shirt as he entered the bedroom.

"I'm nervous."

Waltzing back out of the room, carrying his socks and shoes, he plopped into the other kitchen-table chair. "Why?"

"Because Emmett's fighting." He hadn't stepped into the ring for three years, and, being two-hundred and forty pounds, he fought Super Heavyweight.

"You never forget. He'll be fine. Usually, they like to schedule the heavyweights toward the end for effect, but I'll make sure he fights in the middle of the lineup, so I'll be available to coach him."

Jacob would coach all the La Push fighters until he needed to get ready for his fight. The new coach, Ben's nephew, Nahuel, didn't feel confident to do the job by himself yet. Years ago, he boxed for Ben until age nineteen, and Jacob told me he naturally excelled in the sport. But he moved away and hadn't been in the fight scene for fifteen years. He'd recently moved back. The Tribal Community Business Council offered him the position after Jacob notified them he had re-enrolled part-time in the University of Washington for the Spring Semester and couldn't coach full time anymore. Jacob traveled from Seattle to La Push to help him out three times a week, for now.

Nahuel offered the head coaching responsibility to Jacob, because Ben's memorial was such an important event. He'd act as the assistant coach. Jacob couldn't have been more eager. He found he loved coaching the young fighters and passing on Ben's knowledge, continuing his legacy.

"And... I'm worried about you," I revealed.

Jacob would fight the guy he beat in the Elite Boxing Championship. It didn't interest him to fight a less experienced opponent on his return. So, Ben's long-time best friend, Eleazar, the coach of the Seattle club he, Jasper, and Seth trained at now, put out calls, asking if any of the top amateur competitors in Jacob's weight class wanted a rematch or the challenge. Demetri accepted. Boxers held fierce determinations to win, especially in a rematch. With Demetri flying in all the way from Boston, Massachusetts, and being his caliber of a fighter, I knew he didn't intend to lose to Jacob again. They'd fight as The Main Event.

"Demetri's tough. I only won by a split decision the last time. But I'm in great shape and so ready for this," he said, wearing a bright smile while tying his shoelaces. "With you there cheering for me, it'll be a piece of cake."

"It better be, but don't act surprised if you get into trouble, and I pull an Adrian Balboa, jumping out of my seat, hollering 'Stop the fight!'"

He laughed at my joke, then said, "A little more confidence, please."

I grinned. He glowed with excitement being able to take part in this boxing match after an entire year away.

"Weigh-ins are from 11:00 to 1:00. Afterwards, we'll have the Coaches Meeting to make the fairest and best matches and create the lineup. 3:00 should do us. You can meet me after that and hangout with me until it starts if you want?"

"I'll be there. I'm waiting until the storm lets up. Then I'm going back to the dorm for a little while. Me and Angela will drive over together." Angela lived in the dorm room across the hall from mine.

He glanced at the clock. "We better get going. We'll be late." He, Seth, and Jasper volunteered to help Eleazar and some of his fighters set up the ring and chairs at the arena before weigh-ins began. He pounded on Seth's door. "Hurry."

Seth and Jacob shared a two-bedroom apartment, splitting rent. Seth spent his first college semester in the dormitory with Jasper, but was tired of living in the dorms from four years of Chemawa dorm-life.

Seth opened the door, tugging on a pullover jacket for the rain. "Angela's freaking out." It was her first opportunity to watch Seth box since they began dating five months ago, making a cute couple. She'd never been interested in attending the local boxing matches. She thought the sport brutal. It thrilled me two of my best friends got together. Angela was a lucky girl, and Seth couldn't have fallen in love with a sweeter soul. "You need to help her through it, Bella."

"I will. She'll be sitting right next to me and Leah." Leah came home from New York, where she attended college, for Easter weekend. She wanted to experience the bustle of the big city. I admired her braveness, going clear across the country by herself, just for the experience.

"We better go." Jacob leaned over and kissed me goodbye.

When we got back together, and we enrolled in the University of Washington, I moved into the dormitory. I wanted to feel like I had a boyfriend for a while, not a husband. I feared me not wanting to move in with Jacob might upset him. But he wasn't clingy and understood, telling me he didn't mind. We knew we were forever now. He gave me a key. I stayed over most nights when Jacob wasn't in La Push, helping to coach if I didn't have a lot of homework. I didn't care for all his traveling, thinking it difficult for him, but he loved coaching, so the traveling didn't bother him one bit.

And if he loved it, I loved it for him.

A lot had changed over the past year. I listened to the hard rain battering down and creating sounds reminiscent of another time and slipped into a memory.

Day one of the Olympic Boxing events arrived.

Jacob had sent a group text the day before, notifying us the guy he beat in the Championship bout, when he earned his second National title, would represent his weight class. He invited us to check him out if we wanted and encouraged us to cheer on the entire USA team. I grinned as I read it.

He and I only talked once after I left the hospital. I called him to check on his recovery a month and a half after the accident. He sounded happy, so I was happy, but I became depressed weeks later when he didn't reach out to me afterward. I tried not to take it personally, convincing myself it was a sign he was handling his recovery well and didn't need to talk. I got to see his humor now and then as he took part in Emmett's silly group text chats. They'd get ridiculous with everyone joining in, joking, or adding their own two senses to Emmett's crazy subject.

Jacob's alert made me curious. It also made me nostalgic. We did this as a group when we were young. It interested the guys to watch the contenders of their weight classes. Having Olympic weight classes as light as a hundred and fourteen pounds, even young, they found a corresponding weight class. I watched it, at first, only because it gave me an excuse to hang out with them and Jacob. By the end, I became familiar with all the boxers and picked my own favorites, no matter from whose team, to cheer on.

My phone had blown up with enthusiastic responses to Jacob's text from everyone. We wouldn't watch it together, but it felt great knowing we would watch it at the same time. I expected and looked forward to my phone blowing up again with opinions on fighters and whether we agreed with win decisions. It'd be fun.

Thunder boomed throughout the sky and flickering lightening lit the darkness as the Olympic program started. I relaxed on the sofa with my back against the arm, knees bent, bare feet planted on the plush fabric, and cell phone ready. I was hoping the weather wouldn't interfere with the broadcasting.

Edward was working on a piece of piano music in another room. The piano lid and the keyboard cover clicked closed. I gazed at him as he strolled into the sitting room, glancing at the large television hanging above the gas fireplace.

Another burst of sound and light lit up the window I sat near. "How is it coming along?" I asked.

The commentators announced the first boxing match, introducing the fighters, a contender from Argentina and a contender from Canada, and recounting their accomplishments.

"Wonderful. I wrote several bars." He plopped down at the end of my feet, unbuttoning the top few buttons on the neckline of his shirt as he stared at the television. "What is this?"

"Olympic boxing."

"I can see that. I'm just wondering why you're watching it."

Noticing his mood, I bit my lip, thinking his writing session must not have gone that "wonderful".

"I watch Olympic boxing. My brothers and friends box, remember? I grew up on boxing."

Rolling his eyes, he groaned and stretched his legs out. Rarely did Edward fall into a grumpy mood, and when he did, it didn't last. I learned to ignore them until they passed.

The announcement of Jacob's former opponent, Santiago, grabbed my attention. Getting comfortable, I stretched my legs out toward Edward and watched a brief introductory piece on the fighter's story, skill set, and climb to the Olympics.

Edward focused on the screen. To help him get into the programming, I said, "This is the guy Jacob beat two years ago for the National Golden Gloves title."

He said nothing but kept watching. Round one ended, and the first text came.

Emmett: He took round 1

Bella: Southpaw?

Jake: Yep

Seth: Needs to jab more

Leah: He's cute

Jasper: Boo Leah

Leah: They both R

Seth: Lol

I laughed at Leah and Jasper's texts.

When I glanced over at Edward, I perceived mild annoyance. "They're texting stupid things," I said.

Round two started, and I immersed myself in the increased fight action.

"I've got to be the biggest idiot alive," he grumbled.

I took another look at him but had no clue what he was grumbling about. Ignore him. I turned my attention back to the fight.

"I hoped if I got you far away from that worthless little town, you'd be okay."

I whipped my head toward him, confused, but boiling in anger. "My family lives in that little town! So does yours! What are you talking about?"

He straightened up and turned toward me, his face pinched in aggravation. "I've done everything I could do for you. But all you do is sit there and stare at that grotesque piece of junk!" His hand shot out and he ripped the anklet Jacob gave me from my ankle.

The gemstones and beads scattered, tapping, and rolling across the hardwood floor.

"Edward!" My feet hit the floor as I swung from my relaxed position, the rest of my body stiffening. "What's wrong with you?" I glared at him.

"I don't have to guess where you got it!"

I had no time to feel, think, or form a response before he smacked me with: "God, Bella, you're the most naïve person I've ever known. Did you honestly believe I didn't read your poem about a guy named Jake? Your friend of the family. I know who he is to you!"

His revelation dumbfounded me, the memory roaring through. I recalled him introducing himself, handing me my lost assignment, and telling me he didn't read it. Not that I cared because it happened while I lived in an aching, pain-filled fog from Jacob breaking up with me. I completely forgot about the poem.

Now aware, quick flashes of Edward at our awkward family dinner skidded through my mind. I saw his degrading use of the friend of the family statement made directly to Jacob. He mentioned my moving to Chicago to live with him, on purpose to gloat or to hurt Jacob or for whatever reason. It's why he brought it up in front of my dad, even after being worried about seeing him.

"Good to meet you, Jake," he had said when I introduced them. He meant good to find out who you are.

Fury seized a hold of me, feeling violated and manipulated. I leaped up from the sofa. "You're a lying asshole!"

My insult held no power. He struck back, scowling, and pointing his finger. "Maybe I am, but you're a liar, too. You lied with every kiss, every touch... every 'I love you.' You lied!"

The accusation slammed into me, fury diminishing as it mixed with guilt. I yelled, trying to defend myself. "I did love you!"

Hurt cracked his scornful appearance, but only for a moment. He lifted both palms face up. "There it is."

Did... "Edward I..." Stunned, I dropped back onto the sofa. "I..." Had nothing to say. Dazed, I felt stopped of words, thoughts, and emotions.

He scooted toward me, cupping my hands in his and looking into my eyes. "Can't you see, Bella? It isn't meant to be. If it were, you'd be together."

His voice was gentle and persuasive, but his words stabbed into me like a spear. Though I'd often thought the same, hearing it out loud from someone else injured and insulted me.

A blind instinct to defend us raged. I jerked my hands away. "You know nothing about us!" When I realized I was arguing for the opposite of his statement, I shot from the sofa and raced into the bedroom, banging the door closed and locking it.

He pounded on the door. "He's a ghost standing between us ever since the accident." I glared at the jiggling knob, wishing he'd shut up and leave me alone. "No. I take that back. He's always been a ghost between us, and I can't even wish he died because you'd idealize him even more!"

Fire erupted inside me. "Get out! Get out or I'll leave!" I just wanted him to stop pummeling me with the truth.

"How am I supposed compete with that, Bella?" he asked, then muttered, "I can't compete with that."

The sound of footsteps stomped away. A minute later, the front door thumped close. He had left.

When I assumed the penthouse was empty, I crept from the room, just in case, to collect the broken jewelry.

More lightening flashed outside the window and thunder broke the night sky.

Tears of remorse made their way from my eyes as I accepted blame for our current situation of living a lie. But if I lied to him with every affection? Then he was just as deceitful for accepting those lies.

Sucking in my breath and wiping my face, I kneeled down and gathered every bead and stone scattered on the hardwood floor to restring them, acknowledging how precious the anklet had become.

"All you do is sit there and stare at that grotesque piece of junk!"

He wasn't exaggerating. I wore it every day. Sometimes, I'd find it in my hand, held captive to the memories it roused. Who knew how many times I caught myself doing that? The cost of it was cheap, if not free, but sentimentally, it meant the world to me.

A cool draft made me shiver as I sat at the desk in his music room and turned on the overhead light. The way the light refracted from the simple piece caused colors to fluctuate, as ever changing as the emotions within me whenever I thought about Jacob. I caressed my fingers over one of the shiny Labradorite gemstones. Slight variations in their shapes and sizes made the anklet much more attractive. Unique in splendor, each precious piece brought an individual beauty to the delicate string of jewelry, reminiscent of our times together. The beads spaced between the stones outnumbered the larger gems, plentiful, like all the days we'd spent apart. The anklet wouldn't be the same without them.

I spread out its found pieces and considered how wide of a beaded space to leave between each stone. I'd have to count each bead and divide them evenly if I wanted it perfect. Did it need to be perfect? Life wasn't perfect. Ever since the accident, that's what the anklet had become: a representation, a reminder of the moments I shared with him while we grew up. It didn't matter how small or imperfect or painful they might have been; I relished them all. I'd done so since receiving the anklet that brought flashbacks of Jacob with it. Too often, I thought about his note. "This always belonged to you." I wondered if and wished it symbolized his heart, but he never called, even after I'd opened the lines of communication by calling him first. I didn't know what to make of that.

Still, a smile claimed my lips as I threaded the first gemstone onto the strand of twined sinew, remembering the day we met and the foreign feeling of joy that flooded my unsuspecting heart the second I saw him.

As I fixed the anklet, I walked through a specific memory with each gemstone. The sweet memories brought joy, and the painful memories didn't hurt anymore. Enough time had passed. I missed Jacob more than any pain reliving the terrible memories could cause.

"He's a ghost standing between us ever since the accident."

Jacob wasn't a ghost. I was fortunate he was alive. Yet, I was mourning not being with him as if I could do nothing about it when a chance for "us" still existed.

Edward came home in the morning and apologized for everything.

"I don't know what happened between you two and don't need to know. Just take whatever time you need getting over it and... Please forgive me, Bella. We can work through this."

The sound seemed to echo as I slid my coffee mug aside. I reached across the corner of the table and caressed his cheek from below his weary orbs to the stubble on his chin, staring into that spectacular green sea. I knew Edward loved me and hoped to fix me. He treated me wonderfully.

"There's nothing to forgive because you were right. I still care about Jacob. No, I still love him. I always have." I could no longer deny it after almost losing him.

After my admission, there was nothing we could do but end it, and Edward agreed with me.

Afraid of my feelings, and not strong -or brave- enough to follow my heart, and all the fear-based decisions I made ended up hurting people, including myself. I tried not to feel guilty when I left the day after. A fact of life, relationships ended all the time.

Fight night is next. This time jump might have confused you a little. Rest assured, you will get their full reunion before this story is complete.