Temper me in fire

by voldobaby

AU: The world of Moroi and Dhampirs is very different, political turmoil has opened up a vacuum in which illegal and immoral actions can transpire, such as slavery of Dhampirs. Rosemarie Hathaway is born into slavery in Arizona. Her life revolves around tending to her chores and making herself inconspicuous. But that all changes when Mr.Dashkov and his Guardians arrive

71. Chapter 71

RPOV

My excitement from the fireworks is draining away, along with the warmth I'd been feeling in my chest. He'd reminded me of my promise, that we'd talk, but it just makes my gut twist and I'm almost resentful that I'm not brimming with anger anymore.

Hadn't we already talked? What else was there to discuss?

"Roza?" He urges gently, leaning back and trying to catch my eye. My fingers are numb on his neck which has nothing to do with the cold. "Roza, the house isn't burning."

When you live in a burning house, you think the whole world is on fire.

It takes me a minute to understand and then I look up. He doesn't look angry either but that makes me more nervous.

"I don't want to start an argument. I think you've worn out my reserves on that front, just like you intended."

That sends a flood of colour to my cheeks, "So, you're not angry?"

"I'm angry about a lot of things but not at you."

"Really? Even though I shouted at you and threw my phone?"

"I wish we hadn't reached that point but I'm glad you expressed yourself." I must give him a look because he grins, "I don't want to repeat it, let me be clear, but I'd rather that than you ignore me. I can take anger."

I consider that and a splash of guilt hits my throat. "I'm sorry. I won't throw anything again…I could have hurt you."

"Ambitious."

I roll my eyes and the coil begins to unwind. I draw my hands down from his neck and twist my ring.

"Ignoring you hurt?"

"Yes."

"I wanted it to."

"I understand." He says quietly.

I should apologize for my behaviour, for wanting to make it sting, but I can't. I wanted to push back, I wanted everything to happen exactly as it had.

His finger curls under my chin and forces it up. His face is unguarded, open, sincere.

"I should have found you sooner, not relied on someone to act as messenger, I could have come up with a valid enough reason to speak to you alone. I won't make that mistake twice. I promise."

He'd already explained this, but I know he means it and it still helps. Sometimes you need more than one dose of medicine, no matter what it costs.

"I understand about Natasha and Victor. There…there isn't much you could have done to prevent it."

"But my handling of it was less than acceptable." He reiterates. "Dealing with Victor now will be delicate. He won't easily forgive my behaviour or let it go unchecked, in his way. That might call for patience from both of us, but we'll communicate and navigate it together."

I nod and brace against the wind that slices past.

"Roza, is there something else? Natasha is why you're angry with me, but it isn't the entirety of how I've hurt you, is it?"

The silence stretches out and my mind fills with a buzzing. Old parts of me trying to close over wounds alone, resisting help because I wasn't weak. I didn't need to whine to feel better. I think back to telling him how I felt like I couldn't depend on him, but I'd meant because I'd felt his absence so sharply, like I'd been abandoned again by somebody who was still there.

"I wanted you to know how I felt." I take a deep breath and try to quieten the and ignore the urge to shut up because I was never given permission to explain and when I did it was never safe. But I'm safe here. "I felt like I was invisible to you, that it was easy to not speak to me, and it hurt me because I know it is easy to do those things. Those things happened to me for years."

I glance up from my hands and almost flinch. Dimitri's expression is carved with an intensity, dark eyes fixated as his hand curls around my jaw.

"You have never been, and never will be, invisible to me. It isn't easy to not speak freely with you, to hold back from touching you. I condition myself not to look at you for too long but even then, I fail." My cheeks heat again, sharp against the cold. "It's impossible and tonight I nearly cut through that room to get to you, my north point, that everyone else could freely admire. It was crucifying and I felt lost."

I blink, trying to clear away the blurriness in my eyes.

"I know. I know it's not fair what I said but - "

The intensity hasn't left his face, but his voice is softer. "I wanted to know how you felt. Now I do. Thank you for telling me." I lean into him so he can't see my face. "The phone situation we'll get around. You'll never feel like I don't think of you."

"We're going home soon so it doesn't really matter."

"If it's what you need, then it matters."

He is determined to make it impossible for me not to cry.

"I think your lying about not being angry with me." I say when I can trust my voice. "You might not want to be, or you don't want to admit it, but you are."

When he doesn't deny it, I lean back. His eyes are trained ahead, fixated on Valley as the cold light of dawn slashes across his face.

"You can be angry with me, I won't break."

I feel the indention of his fingers through the layers of clothes.

"Yes, I'm angry." He admits softly. "I'm angry you went as his date, I'm angry you were on his arm and I'm angry that the most powerful people in our world seen it. And not only because I'm jealous but because I'm certain Adrian hasn't warned you of what the consequences will be."

Instinctively I try to step back but his hold prevents it.

"No, he did. He warned me his parents would be furious and everyone would know it. I was happy about that."

His expression is too calm.

"He told you about the attention and the excitement it would cause, how, and I'm presuming, it benefitted him to antagonize his parents in one final act – he did not warn you about the repercussions that could come from it." My stomach sinks as my temper sparks, the calm we'd achieved souring. "Adrian was the sole Ivashkov heir to their title. The rumoured arrangement for him to marry a Lazar was valuable. Very valuable, so much so that Nathan will retaliate for losing that in a very public display of humiliation. That loss simultaneously orchestrated a win for Victor. And the tool to this victory? A Dhampir woman from the Dashkov household, one very little is known about other than she isn't a Novice in training."

"They'll think of me as a Blood Whore?" I ask, my tone a shade of violence.

"An accessible one. One that can be approached or propositioned."

I think back on all those warm smiles and lingering looks. How now it suddenly seems now like predators and prey. The look on Rufus and Georgina's faces when I'd called them out on their assumptions, and what she'd said about open mindedness only going so far.

"This isn't between Natalie and her classmates, not some crude gossip to sensationalize – what they think is what will be recorded in history. If Adrian is disinherited, you'll be part of the reason why."

An argument rears up and, for a second, I get the brief satisfaction of seeing him brace himself. But nothing comes out. How is this much different to what I already knew and expected? How is this any different to how I thought of these people, who I don't care for and don't respect.

I was tolerated. I was something sparkly and pretty to look at. I wasn't a person, not really, not to them. I never have been. Even those parties I went to with Natalie and Lissa, everyone was speaking a language that I don't understand, laughing in patterns I can't predict but only follow behind. And realising that…why should I care about what those people think now that I know the kind of things they care about?

"Good."

He blinks. "What?"

"I said good. I want to part of the reason Adrian can get away from them. You can be angry with him, and me, I understand, but I don't care what other people think."

The muscle in his jaw flexes, not a good sign. This talk isn't going to be over soon.

The wind picks up, shoving against my numb legs and causing my entire body to shudder. In in an instant, he's taken my waist and steering me back toward the door. The difference in temperature is alarming, the tip of my nose and fingers burn as we walk back to my room.

The hall is silent, but I think I can feel vibrations through the floor. Or my legs are still shaking. My mind immediately goes somewhere else, and I make a noise between a snort and giggle.

Dimitri's face shows concern as he closes the door behind me. He helps me out of my coat because my numb fingers can't work the zipper and lights the fire. The silence between us is making me itchy so I end up folding and arranging the clothes we'd thrown off here earlier. When I sit down on the couch, I spy a button from his shirt under the table.

He sits next to me and pulls my legs across his lap before taking my hands and rubbing my fingers that have started to prickle.

"I didn't think we'd be out there that long."

"I'm fine." I murmur but don't move away, knowing this is something he needs to do whilst sorting through his thoughts.

"I know you don't care what they think of you, and nor should you, but I'm concerned about their potential actions."

"Like?"

His jaw flexes again but his touch remains gentle. "Approaching you. Propositioning you, no matter how innocent it might seem."

"And what? I'll be flattered?"

"No, but Victor will be." All I can hear is the roar of the fire getting louder in my ears and I almost miss what he says, "If he can use that, in any way to his advantage, he will."

"I'll say no. I'm not Spiridon."

His expression hardens to stone.

"Adrian told you."

"Yes."

"He shouldn't have."

"Because you should of!" I snap, taking my hand back and regretting it when his eyes flicker. "He only told me because he was afraid that the same thing happens to me or could."

"It's Spiridon's business." He says slowly and that kicks up my irritation. "Do you think he would take it well knowing that you know this about him? A moment of vulnerability used as a point of gossip."

"But it wasn't gossip!"

"To him, do you think it will differentiate?"

My anger has nowhere to go because he's right. The things Spiridon shared with me was to show me you must keep going, you owe it to them to keep going, not because he suddenly wanted to confide in me.

I can't imagine Spiridon ever letting anyone see what's behind the teeth and claws.

"No." I admit, swallowing my frustration.

"I'm not trying to turn you against him, Rose. I know the value you place on friendship, and you deserve to have people around you who love and support you. I am just asking you to be cautious. Adrian is leaving with Sofia as soon as they are able, likely not tomorrow or the next day, but sooner than we are. He won't have to face the aftermath."

I stand, ignoring the intense needling and aches in my legs.

"Be wary of men and how they look at me? That's new. What about you? Are you going to be cautious when Victor decides how to punish you for how you acted?"

"I told you. I'll handle it."

"And Natasha?"

"I made myself clear."

"And I trust you to. So can you do the same?"

"It's not about trusting you!" He blazes, standing and towering over me. "It's about them. It's about the game you entered with the players in power. A severed marriage alliance, a disinheritance of an heir – are monumental. And with Victor? The Lazar's are the family with means to financially back his weapon infrastructure, he will use you by some means to soften the blow to Vanessa and –"

"And I don't care."

I watch him take a deep breath and let it out, slowly.

I'm not being fair, even though I felt I had every reason not to be, but it wouldn't get us anywhere. It wouldn't help keep the door open between us.

I can see the frustration bleeding into a contained rage under the surface. He didn't let emotions drive him but tonight they had, and they would where I was concerned. I could unlatch his control and that could undo everything.

And to brush off what he's telling me doesn't make me smart, or brave – it makes me just as reckless.

The memory of Alec's throat in his grip as he was held above the floor douses me.

Stan in that chair.

I would have gone anyway.

How could I expect him to try and maintain his position with Victor if he worrying about me?

If he's afraid I could be used in anyway like Spiridon is.

Gently I reach for his hand, half expecting the contact to make him explode.

"If Victor asks anything of me, I'll say no. What I did, part of it was to…not belong in the room because I never will and don't want to, but I wanted to be seen. I wanted to prove I could do that without you or Natalie, or anyone else I would lean on."

I explain I didn't do this lightly and I wasn't manipulated into it by Adrian. I explain how it was as just as much of him supporting me as I supported him, and what he said on the deck was true. He'd known about us for longer than we even knew ourselves, and he hadn't used that. He'd been a safe space to talk about it in, and that's important to me.

Having a friend who knows me, not just pieces. Pieces that I'm afraid are going to grow smaller and smaller.

Dimitri's dark eyes gradually soften as he listens, but my anxiety is climbing as I continue talking.

I consider our entwined fingers, the size difference of our hands.

"I told him it was the Ozera's. I needed out of that room…I needed to tell someone why."

He stills and I almost wince.

But he doesn't say anything, doesn't move.

"Dimitri?"

"I'm thinking." He says flatly, and I recognise the Guardian composure he's moved behind.

I feel like I used to, when I knew I'd done something wrong, and I was in the in-between of my guilt and the punishment.

"I'm going to shower." I mumble and force myself to walk out of the room instead of running.

I lock the bathroom door and work to calm myself down. I grip the counter to stop my hands from shaking but it does nothing to stop the quaking on the inside.

Stop it. Stop it.

"It's okay. I'm okay."

And I know I am so why do I feel like this? I take slow, shallow breaths, watching me, her, do it in the mirror, encouraging her. I put my hand out to cover where her heart would be, just like he showed me. The cold surface under my palm, I focus on that, on my breathing until everything slows down.

Then I take control back. I strip out of my clothes, still stiff with the winter morning, my muscles feeling the same way, and get into the shower. I wash off the night before, make-up, sweat, mussed curls, and let it all go down the drain, imagining the feeling under my ribcage going with it.

You shouldn't have told him.

I don't want to keep things from him, just like I didn't want to keep things from Adrian.

You shouldn't have told him either.

But it's not fair. And it's getting so hard.

Life is hard, Rosemarie. Did you think of the repercussions from this? Did you discuss that with the Moroi boy?

No but he – no I hadn't. I was impulsive. I'd reached the breaking point and wanted to let it out.

I'm gripping my arms again, like I had before, and below my fingers are the shallow grooves left there from the Mistresses hand. When her fingers could easily fold around, hold me in place, mark me for daring to speak to her son. And tonight, I'd danced with him. I'd thrown his legacy into the darkness and told the truth.

I'm glad I did that.

I let go of myself and turn off the water. I focus on tasks I usually would and then I face the door.

Maybe he left.

I stare at the handle for far too long. Hiding from it won't change it, if he's left or leaving, I'd deal with it.

Dimitri's sat on the bed, waiting.

The sheets have been stripped and piled in the corner, new ones from the cupboard fitted.

"You made the bed?"

"It's within my capabilities." He murmurs, eyes tracking my face. "What's wrong?"

I clutch my towel and try to sound like I have more fight in me than I do, "Are we making a list now?"

His gaze doesn't waver, and I hold still.

"I don't trust Adrian. Not after the first time he broke yours – wait, let me speak. I don't trust him, I don't particularly like him, but I understand you do. I need you to have what makes you feel valued and heard. I want you to have full relationships that are not dictated by the circumstances we're currently in. I trust you in deciding who you do that with."

It should make me feel better, but the quaking is happening again.

"Why do you think he's so bad? He helped Spiridon, he called you."

There's a flash of something across his face, too fast for me to catch.

"And in the next breath he told you about it, to make sure the same things wasn't happening to you, but then he puts you into a position where people will assume those things do, and he is the one doing them."

"But he isn't! He doesn't have to touch me to know me."

"I know that." He says, sounding as tired as I feel. "But I feel that it would be irresponsible for me to put my faith in him."

I want to argue but instead I make myself take another deep breath, flinching at a droplet of water running down my back.

He doesn't believe in Adrian the way I do because he doesn't know him. Only knows about him and the things he's witnessed from the outside, and the things I've said. Based on that I can…understand. Hadn't I also given Adrian a hard time over winning my trust back? And ignoring me since I got here. The ball had been a way to mend that, but it had also been something I used as a weapon against Dimitri.

"You're trusting me in trusting him?"

"Yes."

"Are…do you have to tell anyone what I've done?"

He stands, closing the distance and his hands are hot on my wet skin.

"No. It's your business to tell." He kisses my forehead and I feel the last bit of fight gutter out like a candle.

"Are you staying?"

"Do you want me to?"

I lift my head from his chest to find his face open again, no anger, no expectation. "Yes."

He takes my place in the shower, making quick work of it so by the time I'm finishing my braid, the waters shut off. Steams rolls out of the doorway as he emerges and it's ridiculous that the room suddenly feels less lonely.

This time the things we left outside bed have climbed in with us, finding places to nestle down as he moulds himself to my back, arm banding around my waist. I'm too tired to try and shove them out.

I try to tell him that, I think.

"We don't have to agree, moya lyubov'. We make our own rules, but I am on your side, always."

I want to argue but sleep has already pulled me too far away.

---

The ballroom shimmers as Adrain pulls me through the crowd, squeezing through the bodies that feel like bars.

His hand is slipping out of mine, and I know if I lose it, I'll be stuck, walled in, unable to find him.

"Adrian." I warn breathlessly. My dress is too tight.

He throws an easy smile over his shoulder, "Almost there, don't worry. I won't let go."

But he does, for a split second he does only to lock his fingers around mine more securely.

And then we're free of the crowd, into a pool of space where our friends are.

Natalie glances at us and says something that makes everyone laugh, even Lissa.

"You wouldn't get it." Camille grins, lifting her glass to her mouth. The dark red brims over her lips and streams down her chin, her throat, her chest.

No one seems to notice as she keeps drinking.

A hand runs over my back and makes me stiffen but when I look over my shoulder the crowd is just a blur of bodies. When I turn back to Adrian it happens again, only lower, and with a firm press of fingers that would leave bruise.

"Somebody touched me." I panic. Adrian doesn't hear me because he's talking to Jesse and Ralf. "Lissa, somebody touched me."

Lissa's green eyes are startling bright. "Who?"

But I can't tell her. It's another thing I can't tell her. "I…I don't know."

"You're a liar." She hisses. "Why would anyone do that?"

I stumble like she shoved me, maybe she did, but the room has grown colder, darker and shadows race the walls as Lissa's eyes burn.

Are they green or are they blue?

Camille's wine has overflowed to the floor, pooling out so dark it's almost black.

I'm not supposed to look for him, but I do. The crowd is taller and impossible thick. I scan the walls for Spiridon, but they're so shadowed he's hidden from sight. So is Ben.

My dress tugs tighter and I stumble, then almost slip on the wet floor, grabbing a hold of Adrian.

"I want to go. I don't want to be here anymore." He ignores me, laughing with the others. "Please."

Without looking at me he folds my arms back through his, but it's the fastening of a lock.

"Who is that?" Natalie demands, her pretty face carved from spite.

One by one all faces turn, the crowd parting just enough for a tunnelling view of Christian Ozera dancing with a woman. A woman with curly red hair covering her back. Her dress isn't enough of a dress, it's too thin, ivory silk.

She only wears when he makes her.

He turns her under the arc of his arm and my mother's face flashes between shadow and the light.

I try to pull away from Adrian, but my arm is clamped, holding me in place, keeping me in my place.

She can't be here, she can't. She needs to get away from him.

I start shouting for Dimitri, or try to, but the music swells and drowns me out. The crowd is closing, my dress gets tighter, somebody out of sight pulls at it and Lissa is glaring at me. She stalks forward and raises her hand –

I jerk awake, a sharp breath catching in my throat. My hand flies to my chest, feeling through the fabric for the bandages.

A blur of images and voices are racing around my mind, getting duller as the details of the room come into focus. I search for the threat…because what I'd dreamt of… I'm still caged inside how it made me feel. But I can feel other things. The strong arm around my waist, a solid thigh nudged between my legs and warmth radiating against the chill coating my spine.

I curl my fingers around his wrist and focus on the real.

I'm safe.

Slowly, I roll onto my back.

Dimitri's face is soft in sleep, no harsh angles. A lock of hair has fallen over his brow and in the dim it's just as dark as his eyelashes. I brush it back, the tips of my fingers barely sweeping his skin, but I'm surprised it doesn't wake him.

It's telling of how exhausted he is. It weighs in my bones too, but I know sleep isn't coming back for me anytime soon.

I swallow, gaze tracing different paths on his face, my palm lightly splaying on his chest and feeling the steady thump within.

I try to quieten my mind but after a few minutes I slide out from beneath his arm. I grope around the floor for his jumper and take it into the bathroom, closing the door and flicking on the light.

I toss off my pyjama top and I'm grappling to get my arms through his sweater when I catch sight of my reflection.

My naked body has always made me pause - when the bones jutted out at my hips, the swell around my chest that I was made to resent and flatten, when my stomach rounded for weeks following Keith's diet plan and when it melted into curves I secretly liked.

Most of the time is left me captivated, scared, and excited.

But for the first time, when my eyes flick over marks smudged into my skin, I feel a spark of…pride.

My hips bare the span of his hands, the distinct curl of his fingers banding toward my navel, pink against the tan. Low on the curve of my neck, is the shape of his mouth that within a few hours, maybe a day, will be a dull purple. The sorest of them all is an oval shape high on my inner thigh that is already dotted in darker spots – heat floods my body as it flashes with the memory of his teeth.

"Breathe, Roza, or I'll stop."

I twist to see my back and the familiar scars that he traced with his lips, reminding me he believed they showed victories instead of failures. And these new marks, the aches throughout my body, they're victories too.

If I crawled back into bed, I would find more signs of me all over him, more than what littered my body and likely more vicious.

It felt like leaving proof of what we were and when we couldn't speak freely, or touch, the reminders can be easily felt.

I take a few more seconds to savour it, waiting for uglier feelings to rise but they don't because none of it is wrong.

I splash cold water on my face and wrists as more aches stir as body wakes up.

The hollowness in my stomach is a pain I do need to fix.

Quietly as possible I light the fire, letting its glow bathe room as I make hot chocolate, fill a bowl with pretzels and settle on the floor, wincing.

Amber light dapples the room as my thumb brushes the gold on my finger and one by one by thoughts filter in until my head is a crowded room.

Blood Whore, Cleaner, Victor's act of kindness – everything I could be called, probably a lot of worse things and I finally meant it when I said I don't care. Because now I know their opinions and beliefs are specious and precarious, I've seen it now and understand why Dimitri called it weak.

It's so obvious how Victor could take control.

The firelight catches something on the carpet. I pick up the stray button and consider it between my fingertips.

My stomach cramps as a fragment of my dream flashes.

My mothers face.

I had been so clear, right down to the faint lines by her mouth that deepened if she smiled. And Lissa, Lissa had been right there like the new Mistress.

I lurch forward to my hands flat on the hearth tiles, still cool enough despite the fire but my mind is racing too fast to concentrate on inhaling and exhaling. I start listing words from memory as if falling down my dictionary pages. Then spelling them. Until I can feel the fires breath on my face and can hear my own voice.

That hadn't happened in a while.

I slump, murmuring the last of the G's.

I am better now. I am. This is just because of the dream and dreams don't mean anything. Lissa would never be like that, never.

Adrian said we'd figure something out. How could we get Lissa away from him without lying to her? The only thing I can think of is that it would take Christian being the one to do it. Teenagers break up all the time, for stupid reasons…

I think she loves him.

I focus on my breathing as I watch the flames flicker, twisting my ring around my fingers until the metal starts to feel hot. Everything flips through my mind as I try to break it down then piece it back together, how it fits the bigger picture.

I push up from the floor and walk back into the bedroom, climbing back into bed and shaking his shoulder.

He props himself up on his elbows, alert.

"What else did you think of?"

He squints at me, voice thick. "What do you mean?"

"When I told you what I'd told Adrian, you started thinking like a Guardian. What was it that made you fine with him knowing?"

He pushes himself against the headboard, the silver cross tossing against his chest. Even in the dark I can see the lines raked over him.

"I never said I was fine with it."

I wait.

"The Dragomir's." He sighs. "If, for whatever reason, unwittingly or not, Adrian repeated what you'd told him he would implicate them. I don't expect he's thought about that either."

"Implicate them?"

"I've been thinking about this since Spiridon and I argued, involvement and assumption of guilt. Lissa's relationship with Christian being the main factor, paired with her family knowing the context of how you came to Victor's home. It could get easily distorted. If the truth came out prematurely, then it would be detrimental to everything Victor has been trying to accomplish, and that's why he's never objected to their relationship. If he goes down, he brings at least two other Royal families with him. The Ozera's, the Dragormir's and the Dashkov's. The Coalition would fracture."

"You aren't worried because you think Adrian wouldn't do that to the Dragomir's. Not because you don't think he would do it to me."

His gaze is steady, not defensive or offended by that accusation.

"I constantly worry. That's my part of my job, to strategize. However, you trust him. You've trusted him with us, and now with this. I trust you. I also think my line of reasoning is giving him too much credit."

That does not make me feel any better.

I can't tell him Adrian's secret or how that links him to Lissa. How he's not as arrogantly foolish as he pretends.

"I hate you think so little of him but like you said, we don't have to agree on everything."

He reaches out and stops the mindless rotation of the ring on my finger.

I don't know if I'm imagining the carefully closed expression or if he's just looking back at me. I don't know if everything I can't control is making me distrustful that he isn't telling me the whole truth. But about what? He's never had reason to like or trust Adrian, he's been honest about that.

What I do know is that I don't want to fight anymore.

"You're on my side?"

"Always."

---

We have time like he promised me during the Montana storm. We sleep late, we eat lunch, we talk and lie entwined on the couch. The locks are secure, and no one is looking for us, the entire Lodge is self-inflicted with hangovers and hibernating.

New Year's Day is the only day the world of Moroi collectively strives to stay awake through. Determined to celebrate.

I'd waited for him to sigh and admit it was time for it to end, but he only left once for an hour. He explained it was the tradition and Victor would likely only have gone to bed as we were getting up. As the next morning is breaking, he gently wakes me to say he has to leave and only because I'm so mentally and physically exhausted do I drop back into sleep. But later when I stir, I find a note on his side, telling me to write back and he'll find it.

The last sentence is in Cyrillic and takes me an hour to translate.

Writing has never made me so excited.

However, as I leave my room and cross the hall, that sense of excitement starts to ebb. This would the first time I've seen anybody since storming out of the ball. Where Victor had known that the wine would be given out, I'd then told Adrain about it, Dimitri had told him he would be leaving, that he was done.

God, how was this going to go?

What would Victor do in retaliation?

Dimitri swore he could handle it and remain calm, but could I?

How was I going to be quiet and not throw something?

I needed to stop throwing things.

But when I walk into the suite, there's no sign of Dimitri. I glance from the empty chairs to the end of the room where the Guardian quarters are.

I catch Spiridon watching me and quickly plaster on a smile, letting the door close behind me.

"Good morning."

Victor doesn't look away from the paper in his hand as he repeats the sentiment. Natalie's eyes stay glued to her phone but Ben springs up and subjects me to one his bear hugs, and still – Spiridon watches.

"Happy New Year, kid."

"You too." I wheeze out which makes him drop me back on my feet.

I make myself a plate and sit down by Ben, who tells me he slept the entire day before, snug in his onesie.

"…the date is set then for the twenty-eighth so we should depart for Court by the twenty-first at the latest. Whilst confident the outcome of the vote is secure, we need to anticipate the reaction afterwards so – Spiridon, are you listening? Eric has assured me that…"

Victor's voice fades to the background as I eat and try to catch Natalie's eye, but she's absorbed in her phone.

Natalie's going to be weird with you.

Only when Victor asks her about an incident with Mia Rinaldi's dress does she look up, expression pleading innocence.

"Daddy, I wasn't anywhere near her, how could I know anything about it? You know, the seamstress she used also altered Rose's dress and her biased classism was blatant. I had to argue with her that Rose wearing that dress was not a 'waste'." She shrugs her shoulders. "Or maybe Mia just wanted to cause a scene. She did at Halloween."

Victor continues to study Natalie. "I shall pass that on to your headmistress."

"Please do. I'm sick of her being out to get me."

"So am I." He answers, an edge to his voice.

Her face shutters before looking back at her phone. Part of me feels bad because I know how much her dad's opinion means to her, especially when she put in so much effort and thought into how the night would go.

But I also couldn't help but suspect she did do something to humiliate Mia and I don't like how that makes me feel.

She still hasn't looked at me.

Ben nudges me and I find Victor smiling warmly at me. "You made quite the impression, charmed almost everyone that happened across you."

'Almost'.

I'm so aware of Natalie listening and it makes my skin hurt.

I lick my bottom lip. "That was all, Adrian."

It doesn't dissuade him. "I was showered with compliments to pass on, most referring to how you live up to your namesake."

"That was all, Natalie."

I hope the credit buys me something, but she ignores it, buttering her toast as rapid messages light her phone. The bubbles are different colours, so I know it's a group. In my pocket, my phone is silent.

"Modesty is a fine trait in a young woman." Victor continues, grinning wider and showing fangs.

And suddenly I'm furious.

Because he must know Natalie is upset, he must know I was there when the wine was passed around – so is this his way of trying to butter me up. But Dimitri isn't here, and I know in my gut that he has retaliated.

Under the table, Ben's knee has started to vibrate.

"I think I only seem modest in comparison and that's not very hard… considering."

His smile drops and it's so satisfying…for a few seconds. I had to be nice and play the game until Fall. I had to keep us safe, and Dimitri had already pissed him off, which is why he isn't here. But I won't panic, he said would handle it.

He had to come and collect my note.

I force my temper back and let a sweet smile curl my lips. "I just meant, because I was one of two Dhampirs honoured to be there the way I was. I don't think that's happened before."

He buys it, his frown disappearing. "No, it hasn't. History was made. You made me incredibly proud."

It's an effort not to cringe or scoff, and my jaw aches from holding the smile. I count two beats before focusing back on my plate. I rummage for the right thing to say to Natalie, hating that I feel like I'm guilty of something when I haven't done anything.

I try to imagine what the worst thing she could say to me so I can prepare for it.

I used to do that with Janine.

But when I'm mustering the courage to speak to her Victor starts a lecture on how she needs to spend the day with Vanessa Lazar, the girl Adrian was supposed to go with before he asked me, and make sure there are no ill feelings toward the Dashkov's. Because of me.

Words gutter out in my throat as Natalie's face becomes more and more stony. If Victor senses the tensions staining the atmosphere, he ignores it, until a rap at the door interrupts him.

Spiridon springs up to answer it and immediately jerks back as what looks like a massive bush of flowers bursts across the threshold. An apology comes from somewhere behind it, two trembling hands gripping the vase beneath it.

Spiridon, with some effort, takes it, revealing the flustered Dhampir boy behind it who mumbles something before pulling the door closed behind him.

Spiridon dumps it on the table and fishes out a card from between the stems, muttering something that sounds like "fucking ridiculous".

"Hybrid tea, how lovely." Victor remarks, coming to join him. "See the varying shades of purple here, that's attentive care and cultivation at its finest. Can you sense it, Natalie? The three different strains."

At the sight of the roses, Natalie had lit up, getting up to move closer. "And lilacs, they've tailored the perfume."

"Ralf making the big gestures." Ben says and she smiles.

I could kiss him.

I shovel eggs into my mouth, not particularly caring for the strong smell and take the opportunity to ask Ben where Dimitri is.

"He's in the barracks." He says quietly. "There's been a bit of a, uh, build-up of Strigoi at the exits. No, don't worry, there usually is but with the weather taking a turn it makes the terrain another factor and they find burrows in the mountainside to hide in. Better the team is led by someone experienced. He'll be fine."

My face is blank as I nod.

Ben starts to ask me something but Spiridon scoffs loudly, passing the card to Victor. His eyebrows quirk as he reads it. Beside him Natalie's fingers move delicately over the roses, their heads lifting to meet her touch.

Victor clears his throat and behind him, Spiridon is trying not to smirk but failing.

"Rose, they're for you."

"What?"

"From who?" Ben demands, getting up and snatching the card.

"It was probably Adrian, to say thank you." I say quickly.

He would send some kind of big gesture but then again, I'd like to think he knows me well enough to know this wouldn't be appropriate.

"It doesn't say. Rose has a secret admirer." Spiridon answers Ben.

Ben eyes the flowers like they've offended him, "They're purple like her dress."

"Well deduced, Benny."

Ben shoots him a furious look, the card crumpling in his fingers.

My gaze flicks from Victor to the flowers, even more disgusted with them with that comparison, and then collides with Natalie's. The anger in the green pierces my heart and I wince.

She turns away.

"I'm going to meet Camille and Vanessa at the spa." She announces, collecting her phone and purse. "I'll see you later for dinner."

"Camille's Guardian will be with you?" Victor asks.

"Yes, I already told you."

"You're not to go outside, understand? No matter what flight of fancy the Novices may take."

"I know." She snaps and flounces out without sparing a look back.

I put down my fork, appetite lost.

"I think… that was you're doing." Spiridon says sweetly and I rethink my vow not to throw things. Especially with a knife so close.

"Nonsense." Victor waves off, reclaiming his seat. "Natalie is capable of such great things if only she would put her childish tendencies aside. She would learn from her mistakes if she wasn't so busy denying them."

There's a silence that follows. Ben and I look at each other.

I don't know what's more unnerving, Victor's tone talking about his daughter, or that Spiridon is looking at him like he's someone strapped to a chair in a dark tunnel. But then in an instant, his face clears.

"She'll have Vanessa wrapped around her finger by lunch." He drawls, dropping lazily back into his seat. "Unlike Rose's admirer who will quickly come to their senses."

"For their sake." Ben mutters and Victor grins in amusement.

"I don't want them. They can stay here, the rooms bigger and I don't like the smell."

"How ironic."

"Shut. Up."

Ben moves the stupid bush to the other side of the room as my mind skips stones from Natalie to Dimitri, to Adrian and to Lissa.

Victor starts going on about a farewell dinner, in which he hopes to have rallied favour from most of the Royals before departing.

"Things have gone our way, all things considered." He says, fixing Spiridon a pointed look who immediately sills. "My belief that my Guardians could follow simple instructions and leave their feelings out of it was a stretch. On two fronts."

My stomach drops and I take a sip of water for something to do.

Spiridon's face remains blank, but a pink flush is beginning to strain his neck. Beside me Ben's knee begins to bounce until it's basically vibrating.

What is he talking about? What has Spiridon done?

"I thought I made the right call." He says tightly.

Victor continues staring at him and my hand darts out to stop Ben's leg. The movement breaks the moment and Victor's attention turns to me.

"What are your plans for the day?"

"I'm going to see Adrian before he leaves."

"I'm afraid that's not a good idea." Victor says, picking up his espresso cup. "Adrians no longer in his suite, he's staying with Sofia Tarus in the Valley. The weather has made it difficult to get down to the main road, which is one reason why I don't want Natalie out there. All of the attractions are closed."

"Natalie's clumsy, I'm not. I'll be fine."

"The blizzard isn't the only danger."

"Is it the Strigoi?" I ask airily and have the satisfaction of seeing his mild expression crack but then his eyes flick to Ben who freezes.

"Group chats full of teen detectives." Spiridon quips drolly. "Nothing to panic over, usual occurrence."

"Do I look like I'm panicking?"

Only because I'm forcing myself not to, panicking won't help. Spiridon folds his arms, considering me like he knows better, and I hate him.

Ben clears his throat. "It's only right that she knows what they all do. Try and hide it, it creates fear. It's an expected problem, it's being handled."

"A problem that has gotten worse because Nathan Ivashkov fails to prepare for it." Victor says, taking back control of the conversation. "Which is why I've instructed Dimitri to lend his expertise. It will be greatly appreciated and as you said, help ease any unreasonable feelings of alarm."

"Is it unreasonable when we have had two massacres in – "

"Enough." Victor commands impatiently and Spiridon's mouth presses into a surly line. "Guardian Blake, you met her in Estonia, is also in the unit or some such. They'll get control in time for us to leave as scheduled."

"I bet they're both signing autographs down there." Ben says with a forced cheeriness that makes me cringe.

"Ben and I are going to meet with a few parties interested in his ideas. You could accompany us." Victor offers like a gift. "I'm sure there will be a few faces delighted to see you again."

Everything Dimitri had said, and warned me about, plays through my head at a quickened speed. I'd been sceptical, thinking lingering jealousy might have been tinging his thought process, but this offer sent frost down my spine. Beside him, leaning back in his chair so he's not in Victor's peripheral, Spiridon shakes his head. It's the barest movement but it's a warning.

"No, thank you. I'm going to see Adrian. I don't know when I'll see him again, and I know people might be angry with him. I want to make sure he's okay."

"Rose, people are angry with him. It's why he's had to move out of here quickly." Ben says looking uncomfortable.

"What do you mean?"

"After the ball, Nathan sent two of his men to retrieve Adrian. They were to be heavy-handed about it."

"He wasn't harmed." Victor adds.

"But – how? He doesn't have a Guardian."

I'd left him. I didn't give it any thought, far too full of my wants and never believing that his father would try something so suddenly. But I remember the dark look on Nathan's face when before Rhea had saved us.

I'd left him.

"No, but Sofia does, he'll be fine." Ben reassures, "But I don't like the idea of you walking around here alone, not if there's a risk of someone being told to intimidate you. Or approach you for another reason."

He looks pointedly at the flowers.

"Sofia's Guardian protected him?" I ask, refusing to move past it like they seem to want.

"No." Victor clips.

"I did." Spiridon's no longer staring at the table but right at me. "There were two of them, not Guardians, cash-in-hand thugs. They didn't get past his door."

"You were in Adrian's room?"

This silence is short, but very loaded, like I've demanded to know something private. Spiridon's jaw rolls and beside him Victor looks irritated.

"I had the foresight to see how all of this would play out, from the moment he waltzed in here to how Nathan felt later. I was waiting for them in the hall."

"And then he remained, all night, to ensure they didn't come back, even when common sense dictated, they wouldn't." Victor adds, gesturing for Ben to refill his cup.

There's no emotion in his Spiridon's face, so strangely unlike him.

I need to speak to Adrian myself. To see that he's alright and there was no way I was going to spend all day following Victor around, smiling when he needed me too and speaking when he expected.

"Where's Sofia's chalet?"

"Rose, it's not safe. It's nearly a blizzard out there." Ben protests.

I shrug. "I have a coat."

"As you wish." Victor dismisses, and the irritation creeps up my neck like a heat rash. "I only had your best interests in mind. Be careful, Guardians may be taking the avenue on snowmobiles so look out for them. Or better yet, you should go with her."

Spiridon looks at him in surprise, "What?"

"As Benjamin pointed out Rose may receive unwanted or unwarranted attention, and you know the village better than she does. Besides, you will be no use with us today, in fact, you may be an unwelcome sight for some." He stands, sliding on his jacket and Ben jolts into motion too. "Give Sophia and Adrian my best, hopefully, their travel plans won't face too much interruption, whatever they may be."

And with that, he's striding toward the door with Ben having no other option but to follow. He holds up his phone and I nod. He gives Spiridon one last look before closing the door, who stares back blankly, not indicating he understands the silent message.

Then it's just the two of us, the silence, and the strong smell of roses.

"Thank you. For protecting him."

His gaze swings toward me and I'm in the eye of the storm.

"It's what I'm supposed to do."

---

It's colder than I imagined, colder than the last morning I was outside. The wind is cutting and the rush of it is an excuse not to talk. Not that I would have, I've lived with Spiridon long enough and learned his tells. Poke him and he'll bite.

Instead, I pay attention to how different everything looks under the relentless snowfall. All the worn paths are gone, and white barriers are climbing in front of the door. The moon is bright above, but its brilliance doesn't illuminate much below. The top of the mountains are the barest smudge distinguishable from the sky. Off the main avenue, it must be so hard to see, the snow making it nearly impossible.

And Dimitri is out there.

A sound laces through the wind and tugs me out of my thoughts.

I'd stopped walking and Spiridon is a black shadow in the falling white. He shouts my name again and I hurry to catch up.

By the time we reach Sofia's chalet, I can't feel my legs and every step is awkward and heavy. The wooden houses start at the end of the avenue, ranging in size and levels, and I'd assumed it would be closer, but it's almost the furthest away. Tucked into a fold in the mountainside, it has two levels and a deck visible from the front.

The Lodge looks monstrous in comparison, even though it's by no means small.

The stairs are awful.

With every step I try and stamp some feeling back into my legs. A hand hooks under my arm and hauls me up and doesn't stop pulling until we reach the door, even when I lose my temper about it.

I'm spitting furiously at the blonde asshole when warm light spills over us.

"A little thorny today, sweet Rose?"

My glare turns on Adrian which is hard to do with snow clinging to my eyelashes.

"Can we come in or do I have to carry her back?" Spiridon drawls.

"You did not carry me!"

Spiridon smirks as I wrench back my arm, and rush past Adrian into the heat.

I'm so busy trying to shake off the cold that I don't realise something is happening.

Firstly, It's silent.

Spiridon is looking everywhere but at Adrian, who is looking at him.

"Is Sofia here?" I ask, suddenly aware of how I'd burst into her house.

"No, she's having lunch with Rufus and Georgina."

Spiridon's chin jerks toward him, tone like flint, "You're here alone?"

"Yes, just me and the voices."

Spiridon ignores that, stalking toward the living room and surveying it. His grey eyes move quickly, marking the camera in the ceiling corner and a spot on the floor where the lining of the wood is disrupted but you wouldn't notice at first glance.

"Not lonely anymore." Adrian says, smiling at me. "Do you want to take off that space suit?"

I look down at the bulky pants that match my jacket and realise I'm dripping over her polished floors. Adrian shows me the coat closet, that's just as big as Natalie's closet back in Montanna, and I strip down to my leggings and jumper. It's a strange sensation to feel how warm the air is around but my skin is as cold as ice, like it's sank in deep.

Dimitri's out there.

I push the thought away and come back into the living room to find one less person.

"He's checking all doors, locks and windows." Adrian says from the couch. "I'm the pet that's been left home alone."

"You shouldn't be alone. He told me what happened." I say, joining him. "I'm so sorry, I didn't think –"

He waves me off, "Why would you? I didn't and I know him better than you do. Taking away a Guardian detail was a way to keep me indefensible, I didn't think it meant from him."

"It's pathetic." Spiridon snaps, striding out of the other hallway and toward the large glass door to the balcony. He tugs on the handle, testing it. "Did you tell Sofia?"

"And what? Make her go unaccompanied so I can have someone monitor how much sugar I put in my tea. She's in the viper's nest, and like I said. I'm not alone anymore."

Spiridon's face is colder than the world outside. "You didn't know I'd be with Rose. Do you know how much unwanted attention she's had since your little stint? So, you could have both been here undefended."

He's being a little much.

"Something happened to you?" Adrian asks, concern tinting his features.

"I got flowers."

He blinks and then starts laughing. "Dear god, were they carnations? Abominable."

"Roses, a lot of them. The smell gets stuck in your throat."

"Ah, true to the muse then."

"Shut up."

The roar of the wind interrupts and then the slamming of the door. We both look at Spiridon pulling his hat back on and taking up post on the deck.

"Safety really isn't a laughing matter to them, is it?"

"He's…it's hard to know how to speak to him sometimes." I say carefully. "And Victor is angry with him."

Adrian's attention is pulled from the deck, "Oh?"

I fill him in on how the conversation went, but more so on how Victor was acting and how he'd dismissed us.

I think about how Spiridon would hang out in Victor's office, not because he was needed but because he wanted to be there, and how this morning was like Victor ordering him out.

Adrian listens and after a pause, he tells me that he left Lissa and me at the tarot reading to interrupt Lady Badica trying to coerce Spiridon. One of the Moroi who had hurt him.

The same dark energy crackles in my head, Adrian's voice fading out for a second, and it's not glass I'd like to break this time.

It's how I'd felt in front of Stan.

"Rose?"

I blink and the room is back around me and Adrian's eyes are flicking from my face to points around me.

"You saved him."

Adrian shrugs, "Well, I couldn't ignore it."

"Victor did." I answer quietly. "I don't know how honest Spiridon is with him, but it's not right to expect that. Then to punish him when he doesn't want to."

Everything comes back to him and just because he doesn't raise his voice, or his hand doesn't mean he doesn't do damage. It doesn't mean he prevents it either.

Dimitri's out there.

Adrian doesn't ask me what I mean, he probably doesn't need to. Instead, he covers my hand lightly.

"Is it really a punishment to babysit the both of us for a few hours?"

"For Spiridon? Probably, he's freezing to get away from us."

"He's cooling off."

We both look over the back of the couch. On the deck Spiridon is pacing slowly, looking out over the valley and checking his phone.

"I suppose if I'd had something of interest for him to report back on, Victor wouldn't have minded."

Normally, I'd tell myself it wasn't my business, but I'd confided in him before.

"What did you do all night?"

Adrian's mischievous smile appears. "Probably not the same things you did."

My cheeks ignite, and I squirm, causing him to laugh so loudly that I shove his shoulder. On the deck Spiridon's outline has moved to the farthest side, casting him in shadow, but he's watching us.

I turn my face away, "We should move to the floor."

"Excuse me? I might no longer have a title but – "

"Guardians can lip read."

"Ah." He eyes the rug and then looks down at his pants, which are no doubt expensive. "Let's just keep our references vague and eyes forward."

I sink further down into the couch, and he does the same. All Spiridon will be able to see is the back of our heads.

"I saw Natasha and Victor having what looked like a heated discussion after you both left. It seems he exploded after all."

I sigh and recount most things we discussed, leaving out most things we did.

Talking as freely as I want and not as much as I'm allowed – with my friend.

Adrian also tells me how his night went and hearing from him how everything happened is a lot more satisfying than the curt details Spiridon had given. It also helps me understand more how Adrian sees him – from the way he talks and how his expressions change. Spiridon had threatened the men who tried to attack him, then reset the code to the suite, and then…they hung out. For hours. Watched the fireworks, talked about places they'd been and drank.

It sounds so normal and yet, it's easier to imagine Adrian doing all the talking and Spiridon studiously listening and gathering information. I can't help but say as much, Dimitri in the back of my mind.

But then he looks offended, and I regret it.

"I know I'm not astute as others in these things, but I had nothing of interest to say. Not to Victor. Unless me being pathetic enough to have loved the company is interesting."

"No, no. I didn't mean it how it sounded. I'm sorry." I pick at the throw he's draped over us.

"I don't know how to explain it. It's something, not lust – even though he is." He makes a sweeping hand gesture. "But something"

I stare at him long enough for him to shift uncomfortably.

Adrain. Self-conscious. Because of Spiridon.

And not because he's being an asshole.

"You're doing that face where you're thinking about fifteen things and not saying them."

"You want to know him."

Adrian doesn't scoff like I imagine Natalie would, instead he's thoughtful.

"Yes." He says, reluctantly. "I suppose I do."

"But he's so..."

"Challenging." He grins like that's a good thing. "Hey, I don't get the appeal beyond Goliath's physical form."

I try to smile but it's unstable and instead, I say something I only allow myself to wonder when I can't sleep and I'm alone. "Sometimes…I don't understand why Dimitri loves me."

"I don't think love is meant to be something understood, only felt. Love just is."

Dimitri had said something similar before, one of those mornings that were just ours inside my bedroom.

"I'm worried about him." I murmur and then tell him what he's been sent to do.

"It happens every year, Rose. And every year they've dealt with it. The sheer number of Guardians here dwarfs what gathers out there, nothing to worry about."

He wouldn't lie to appease me, but Adrain could be lied to. He's so far removed from the Guardians and what they do, why would he ever be told otherwise? But it doesn't help to think myself into a dark place. So, when the conversation drifts close to the Ozera's I direct it elsewhere.

I wish I could tell him about Eddie without feeling like my face is pressed to the grass. But when Adrain's phone begins to ring it's harder to avoid.

"Lissa." He murmurs, staring at the screen.

"Answer it."

He shakes his head, putting it down.

There's a sharp flick in my stomach, "You can't ignore her. It's not her fault."

"And it's not yours either." He says and I swear the gold in his eyes expands. "I don't know how to speak to her yet, I need to mentally prepare. How you've managed is beyond comprehension. Is…is that anything to do with the compulsion Victor has on you?"

I shake my head, panic stirring.

"I've been trying to think of how to get her out of it, with Christian."

"You can't tell anyone, not even if you think you're helping." I swallow. "Dimitri said that Lissa could be implicated, all the Dragomir's could because she is with Christian. And even if we could split them up she's told us how he helps her. I suppose I could –"

"No. Absolutely not, you are not offering to replace him in the ways Lissa has chosen to cope with whatever the hell it is that's wrong with both of us."

"I'm sorry I told you, made you carry it."

"I'm not." He takes my hand and squeezes it. "And maybe we don't have to figure it all out right this minute, maybe we just hang out."

I squeeze back. "I'd like that."

After that it's fun. He makes me tea with too much honey, and something called a hot toddy for himself – it's vile. He turns on music and spreads a puzzle out over the table. A picture that's been broken into pieces that we put back together. It doesn't seem like fun, more like work, but an hour later I have one corner done. Adrian lost interest and is sketching on a blank page in the colouring book I gave him.

All the pictures have been completed.

"So, you don't know where you're going?"

"No, not that I've asked extensively. All Sofia said was that she had obligations to fulfil, and she wants as far away from Court as possible, whilst continuing to do something her father really can't argue with. Far away is good enough for me."

"I'll miss you."

He looks up then, expression softening the same way it had when he looked at Rhea and Andre, a raw kind of tenderness.

"You'll regret that. I'll be in and out of your dreams often. Let's hope you don't say my name out loud, someone might not like that."

"Don't - stop it!"

"And if you're scolding me let's hope it doesn't sound like 'Don't…stop' because then –"

I cover my flaming cheeks, smiling despite myself and he laughs.

After a while, I excuse myself to use the bathroom and when I come back the room is empty and two figures are now on the deck, the snow falling sideways and making them blurry. I dot of cherry red winks in the dark.

I rinse our glasses and wipe down the counters, glancing toward the large glass door, before opening cupboards. There's nothing personal, no hint of Sofia's tastes, everything is perfect. Shining glass and white dining sets. Except maybe that is telling. Or maybe nothing would be personal in a place she doesn't spend much time.

And because I bring things on myself, the front door opens with a blast of icy air and the sound of the wind drowning out the music.

Sofia sweeps in, bundled up in a coat with thick fur around the collar and a big hat to match. Her hands are tucked inside what looks like a matching furry pillow.

I'm leaning against the counter, furthest away from where I was snooping when she notices me.

"Don't you just hate those snowmobiles? Surely, they could think of something a bit more dignifying."

"I love them."

"Hm." She acknowledges as Guardian, a woman, strides in and starts helping her out of her coat. She hands over her hat, blonde curls tumbling out of it. "Is it Rosemary or Rosemarie?"

I'd been willing myself to be calm, to breathe normally, but the question pricks my heart.

"It's Rose."

"That's not what I heard."

"The second." I answer, glancing toward the deck.

"Ah, the French version is much prettier." She smiles approvingly and I try to imagine my face is a mask, a polite one. "My mother was Bulgarian, so I was named in that honour. Was there meaning behind yours? Any French relatives?"

She loops around me, pulling a bottle of wine from a fridge as I scramble.

"I don't know."

"Hm."

The bottle uncorks with a loud pop as the deck door slides open and Adrian steps into the room, as Sofia's Guardian steps out.

"How was it?" Adrian asks as Sofia pours out three glasses of sparkling wine.

"Tedious. You know, if you two hadn't made such a mess, we could have married and shut everyone up indefinitely."

"I would rather marry Rose and cause more chaos."

"No." I blurt, and it sounds so blunt they both laugh.

Sofia slides one glass towards me and the other to Adrian. I don't want it, but it feels like I'm saying something if I don't take it.

"My father couldn't say enough good things about you by the way, much to Georgina's annoyance, but he is hell-bent on having me married off. Again."

I can't think of anything else to say other than, "Why?"

"Children." She takes a gulp and grimaces, but even then, she looks beautiful. "I have none and that may as well be a sin. So, another go-around is required."

"That wasn't exactly your fault." Adrain murmurs.

"It may as well be. I'm the one with the ticking clock." She exhales heavily, violet eyes flicking over Adrian's shoulder. "Spiridon is playing chaperon, how unlike Victor to be without him."

She looks meaningfully at Adrian.

"After what happened, Victor's being a little cautious. Plus, he didn't want Rose out in the blizzard alone."

She makes that humming noise again before taking another sip. It allows studying her, but I get lost in staring, and suddenly she's staring back.

"Probably not your preferred choice of escort."

"No."

Her smile widens, "I did hear Dimitri has been sent to deal with the blockade problem."

"You've heard a lot today."

Adrian is tense, looking between us and I know he's worked it out, if not already knows what Sofia's guessed.

"Yes, well, Victor made that very well known, which added to Nathan's mood considerably. I have never had more of an exhausting day dealing with men."

Adrian jumps in, "You saw him?"

"It was hard not to when he was baring over the table. His strong advice was to kick you out and not to let you drain my bank account. Then he managed to persuade Georgina to his thinking by saying how it would lessen my prospects for a husband – to which I countered a shorter list might mean I spare the time to consider it. After that, it all got a little out of hand and I might have had some… choice words."

"Wouldn't be like you."

"Yes, well, the sooner we can get out of here the better."

The deck door opens again, and Sofia's Guardian comes in looking pissed. Behind her Spiridon slides the door shut, a satisfied look on his face. We all watch her stride down the corridor where a door shuts loudly.

"Really?" Sofia levels at him.

"What?" He returns innocently.

"It's not her job," Adrian says to him. "If you were still set on that train of thought."

Spiridon ignores him, coming to the counter and giving a pointed look to the glass I've yet to touch, before turning to the other blonde.

"He needs a Guardian before you leave for…"

"I agree." Sofia answers, brushing past the question. "But if I request it, it falls under my name and it will be delayed as I already have one assigned to me. Adrian needs to start that process but, in the meantime, Wrenley is more than capable of looking after us both."

"You will always be the priority." He argues.

"If you're that worried about it feel free to apply for the position. Then you won't have to pry about where we're going."

"Alright, enough of…whatever this is." Adrain says, picking up his glass.

"Conversation?"

"Common sense?"

"Ah, that's why I don't find it interesting." He counters.

"Explains the company you keep." Spiridon replies, nodding in my direction.

Before I can say anything Adrian's already swinging. "Am I keeping you?"

There's a silence, one Spiridon is meant to fill with a retort, but it seems like he's stunned. But when Sofia titters, his expression shutters.

"Only for as long as my charge is here. Which, shouldn't be too much longer as the weather gets worse."

Sofia passes me, touching my shoulder. "You're welcome to stay, Rose." And then to Spiridon, "Wrenley can escort her back, don't let us keep you."

I watch her saunter in the direction her Guardian had gone and wish I had some excuse to do the same.

"We're just teasing." Adrian says softly.

"Tease a dog long enough and it bites."

"Don't call yourself that."

But Spiridon's already walking away and even I can tell the relaxed stroll is forced. He stamps on the floor on his way to the deck.

"I hope you've memorized the code to this panic room, Princeling."

---

I'm conscious of every minute that passes in the next couple of hours. Time with Adrian running down and time adding up for how long Dimitri has been away. He could be back for all I know but my gut tells me he's still out there, in the dark wintery night fighting creatures with red eyes. Things that are in the human shape of psi hounds.

Every time the queasiness rolls through me Adrian reaches for my hand.

He asks me about the good things, the special things. I tell him about the market, ice skating, cooking, reading and the sunrise. I tell him little bits of what we've said to each other, too protective of the words that I treasure to share them all. Like hiding my dictionary, but this time the book is made up of our definitions.

I do show him the one treasure hiding in my wallet.

I know he wants to ask about other things, sex things but I'm hyperaware of Spiridon's close by.

"You can tell a lot by how someone feels about you by how they take your clothes off." He says quietly, eyes gleaming.

I think about that.

"He kneels most of the time."

Adrian's head falls back dramatically, and he makes an 'umph' noise.

More than once he glances toward the deck. Spiridon decided he would rather freeze than endure us but he'd also rather freeze than leave.

When Adrian's knee bouncing becomes insufferable, I order him to have a cigarette and to put a coat on this time.

I'm working on the puzzle when Sofia glides back into the room basically naked. Her hair is slicked into a low bun, neck and shoulders exposed. The silk dress isn't covering enough of her, and I tug at the thick roll of jumper under my chin.

The fire crackles and the music fills the room as I try to focus on finding the right shape in front of me.

Until she sits down on the opposite seat and her bare skin is in my eyeline.

"Aren't you cold?"

She extends one polished leg, "I run hot. And the fires on."

I hate that that makes me think of him.

"Two to your left." She murmurs and annoyingly it is the piece I'm looking for.

After a long minute, I glance up and find she's staring out at the deck.

"Is Victor playing a game there?"

When I don't respond her violet eyes flick to mine. There's no malice or anger in them, her body's relaxed. No tells.

"I don't think so. I think he's gotten what he wanted with Nathan being humiliated because of me."

"And did he put you up to it? I know what Adrian's told me but sometimes, he doesn't realise when he's being led."

The mask slips off. "I wouldn't do anything to Adrian for Victor. I've been asked to, and I've said no. The ball was Adrian's plan, and I had my reasons for wanting to help."

"Natasha's date." My tongue presses into my teeth and I inhale through my nose. Now she does smile. "Sorry. I won't pry but I can't help but find it…interesting."

"Why is it interesting?"

"Because he cares. More than he does about his position, to be juvenile about it in that room with the stakes. For you."

"Does that sting?"

She laughs lightly, "No. It would have ended eventually, my husband was already decided, and my last act of defiance was offering him Guardianship. He declined, obviously."

"I want to pry. Why do you have to get married again so quickly?."

Her eyes tighten like she's trying to understand my reasons behind it, or maybe I've offended her.

"Moroi women have difficulty conceiving, by the time we're in our late twenties it's almost improbable and by thirty, impossible. I am my father's only child, I can't be his heir because I'm not a male, so I have to marry one and help keep their lineage going. My divine duty." Whatever is on my face clears the suspicion on hers. "Dhampir's don't face that problem. Evolution at its finest. Well, they can't have babies themselves so perhaps not."

The look she's giving me is a heavy considering one as if she's asked me something.

"So, you have to marry someone and have a baby or…"

"I'm barren, a disappointment, a waste." She laughs again, but this time it's empty. "They already call that on account of failing the first time around."

"Adrian said it wasn't your fault."

"Nobody believes that. Even if my husband preferred men, you can't blame the dead and it isn't like we didn't try."

This is not what I thought a conversation with her would be. This isn't a conversation I thought I would have with anyone.

I'd assumed she was someone who burned so brightly she couldn't be touched without being burned. Not another person being forced into something by others higher than her. By Rufus, who I'd liked.

"It is a shame Adrian is going to be excommunicated. Our children would be a wonder."

"You're leaving too, you don't have to do anything. You're a Moroi, nobody can force you."

"I suppose the catch is I do want children, so I'd be cutting off my nose to spite my face."

"But you're free."

Her delicate eyebrows pull together. "I don't know if you mean that towards children or marriage, or both. But marriage is security, it's respected as much as the law is, in theory. It carries weight. And children are not a burden if you want them, if you love even the idea of them, it's our society that's the problem. If I and my late husband had succeeded, we would have everything. He could have had who made him happy and a family, and I could have had the same."

I'm saved from having to say anything else by Adrian and Spiridon coming back inside. One is grinning like a fool and the other is quietly smug.

"Are you being nice?"

"Yes." Sofia pouts.

"I was talking to Rose."

"Not really." I admit.

Adrian laughs and more surprisingly, Spiridon grins.

And suddenly I see it. I see what he looks like to Adrian, beside Adrian, and how they look together. The spring in Adrian's step and the sheathed blade of Spiridon's mouth.

I look between them for just a moment but it's enough for Spiridon to notice.

"We should go." He says flatly, expression smoothing out.

Reluctantly I nod and redress in my ski-suit.

Adrian's leaning against the wall outside the closet and I can't think of the right words to say. Goodbye, thank you, I'll miss you…I end up wrapping my arms around him and crushing him.

"Rose, I can't breathe."

I loosen my grip but don't let go. He smells like cloves and cinnamon, a spice that tickles my nose.

"It's not like we'll never see each other again."

We both become aware of Spiridon moving closer, angling toward the door. Adrian dips and kisses my cheek.

"Don't get into any trouble without me."

"I only get into trouble because of you."

There's a pause where Spiridon has his hand on the door and he and Adrian look at each other, neither of them speaks and I find myself looking at the floor.

Then cold rushes in and I follow Spiridon out.

The stairs are so thick with snow that it's a slope. Spiridon clears each step, guiding the safe way down. When we reach the bottom Adrian's outline is visible in the doorway, the light behind him as the snow falls sideways.

Until the light goes out.

---

There's no sign of Dimitri that evening or the next morning. I hoard the scraps of information dropped by the boys and Victor of how the Strigoi situation is.

It isn't satisfying but there's no bad news, so at least there's that.

Dimitri's notes replace mine, tucked into the pillowcase on his side. He doesn't talk about what he's doing out there, instead, he writes about places we can go, places I've noted in the book he got me for Christmas. He writes that he misses me, and in Cyrillic, he writes that he loves me. It's always in a different way, always takes me time to translate it but it's like a gift each time.

I take my time writing back but find that I don't dislike it as much as I used to. I'm not frustrated, and I realise that he probably meant it to be like this, to help me as well as make it feel like he's within reach.

The weather gets worse over the following days and cell phones can't be relied on. I get notifications of missed calls from Lissa and Ben hours later. I can't even bring myself to try and call her back or to go to her room because I know who she's likely to be with. I know I don't have it in me to pretend and need the space to build up the strength to.

The weather also means Adrian hasn't been able to leave and I can't visit him. At least it also means it would be harder for Nathan to send anyone else, and that Sofia and her Guardian would be with him.

He visits my dream the second night, warping our surroundings to a quiet street in Paris. He complains how bored he is, how Wrenley is monitoring his drinking and suspects whatever Spiridon had said to her had lodged painfully under his skin.

I watched the lights dazzling on a tower in the distance. "The thing it's taken me a long time to understand is that, Spiridon will say the worst things, but then his actions don't match. He wants you to be looked after."

He hummed, smoke curling the air. "He made it seem like he didn't want to be around us, would rather risk frostbite to that pretty face – but really, I don't think he wanted to overhear something he would have to report."

He then takes me through the halls of an art gallery, some walls and pieces blurry because the dream relies on his memory.

In the waking world the walls of the Lodge are bursting with everyone holed up inside and as the days go on my walk to the gym is suffocating.

I tell myself I'm imagining being looked at. That I'm being stupid. But then things happen that make me doubt it, like Mason and some of the boys ignoring me when I wave over. Except for Logan, he nods back.

They make excuses not to train with me.

The emptiness of my room is a relief and to keep loneliness at bay I turn the TV on for noise and read until Ben comes to hang out. Spiridon comes with him but doesn't say much, drinks a beer and pretends to watch the screen.

When Ben shows up in his onesie Spiridon takes one look at him and walks out.

On the fourth day, I almost don't go to breakfast, lying in bed and thinking about how everything could just go on around me and it wouldn't matter if I didn't move with it. But then I'm ashamed and pull on my workout clothes.

Crossing the hall my ears prick at the sound of voices, that there's heat in the frequency. When I open the door I almost trip which would mean crashing into Dimitri.

He's cladded in black, not his clothes, Guardian gear.

His hair is knotted at the nape of his neck, the collar of the heavy jacket brushing his jaw. It strikes me that it's designed to protect the delicate skin there. The carotid artery.

His belt is heavy with weapons, the silver steak the only source of colour and glinting like a sharp tooth. I remember the feel of one in my mind, the vibrations running through my arm as I drove it through a boot into the floor.

That presence, that demanding energy he possesses, hangs heavy around him. Magnetic, like everything in the room is pulled toward him.

Ben stands behind Victor's chair at the head of the table, Natalie sits next to him and Spiridon on her other side.

Dimitri regards me over his shoulder, expression smooth. "Rose, please close the door."

It's delusional to think my name is said in a softer tone than the rest of his sentence.

"Perhaps the girls should have breakfast in Natalie's room." Victor suggests.

"Natalie being informed means she has a better grasp on assuring her peers." Spiridon answers and then glances at me. "Rose shouldn't be left in the dark."

"Agreed." Ben says.

I move to Dimitri's other side and sit down, using the excuse he's blocking me from pulling out the chair next to Victor.

"Nobody needs assured, going back to school late is extended Christmas." Natalie quips, tearing at her pastry. "The only one stressing is Kirova and that's what you want, surely?"

"It's a delicate scale, my darling." Victor says quietly but with warmth. "Over half your student body is a Novice in training, they will suspect the severity of the situation."

"But Dimitri isn't letting it get severe, just letting it play out a bit to make Nathan sweat right?"

Victor looks meaningfully at Dimitri, "Yes. That's exactly what he is to do."

It's then I lock eyes with Ben, his anger set in his shoulders and the soft drumming of his fingers on his thigh.

"I would strongly advise that you allow myself and Guardian Blake to act. The depth of ward penetration into the earth has never been properly recorded and the outpost could be compromised which adds to another mark against us."

"And by 'us' you mean?"

"Guardians." Spiridon answers, his steely eyes set on the table. "There can only be so many attacks, so many losses until blame needs to be placed heavily. Not just finger-pointing at misfortune."

"It will not come to that." Victor dismisses, "We know Nathan does not have functional security cameras, that satisfactory drills are not run quarterly and the blockage that occurs yearly when we all gather is increasing, without any counterproductive measure put in place. There will only be finger-pointing at the Ivashkovs and their lack of care for a portion of the population that trusts them."

"And people will know to thank you? Because Dimitri must let it go on before putting a stop to it?"

They all look at me, except him.

"Yes. I know it sounds unorthodox, but no one will be harmed. And it works toward the greater outcome."

"If no one gets hurt there's no problem." Natalie shrugs.

"Guardians have been hurt." Dimitri's voice is sickeningly soft. "This game of cat and mouse is dangerous and provocative."

"But no fatalities, which is your job to ensure as it is in their job description to expect. Six days Dimitri, that's my compromise."

"It's already day four, you can handle two more." Spiridon says, and instead of goading it sounds almost like a compliment.

Dimitri's face reminds me of an oncoming storm, the exact thing I'd felt building in the bar in Estonia.

"The Guard should be notified." He says eventually, "Another mark of failure you can add to your inventory."

"Agreed." Victor answers.

"I'll get on it." Ben says, "I can say we recommend assistance against a concerning number of Strigoi?"

"Don't mention the caves, we don't have concrete evidence that they have what Dimitri is concerned about."

"Just my experience and strong opinion."

"Which is not evidence." Victor responds icily.

"And the attacks so near?"

Victor's face loses all warmth. "Again, there are no connecting factors."

"If this goes wrong it will damn the age vote." Spiridon says which causes Natalie to finally stop eating.

"Dimitri won't allow that. I have every confidence considering how passionate he is." Victor says, full of confidence that could be mistaken for pride.

"Two more days." Dimitri says, "Unless circumstances prove otherwise."

"See that they don't." Victor replies, reaching for his coffee.

And with that Dimitri turns on his heel and leaves. I wait for the bang of the door but there's only silence and eventually, I look over my shoulder to make sure he has gone. Then disappointment floods in, thick and heavy.

Natalie starts chattering away about all the things she's done and all the people she's been doing them with. I reach for a pastry, so I have something to do with my hands and try not to think. Until I realise it's silent and Ben's foot nudges me under the table.

"What?"

Victor takes a deep breath, "I was saying, the dinner is tomorrow, for those of the Royal households. As you are part of this household that will include you."

It would have been flattering before but not now.

"Okay."

Before I would have probably said thank you and blushed. The reaction around the table tells me that would have been the right response. And before, I would have beaten myself up about getting it wrong.

"Natalie will show you how to properly use cutlery as there will be courses."

"That means you can't use your fingers to butter bread rolls." Spiridon grins, a bit of himself returning.

That was once and it was an accident.

"Why does she have to be there?" Natalie asks. "I mean, if I've spent time with Vanessa to win her over won't Rose being there undo it?"

"I shouldn't think so, Vanessa's slight is Adrian's doing."

"That's not how girls think."

"Well then maybe don't show Rose table etiquette. Lady Lazar will see there isn't anything to be jealous of. You however…"

His gaze goes pointedly to the roses that have yet to die. It's obvious he's teasing but it hits a nerve.

"Jealous? Of someone I have to teach how to use a knife and fork for the second time? Yeah sure."

"Natalie, don't be unkind." Victor admonishes. "It's beneath you."

Her face becomes even more hostile, and I swear I hear Ben mutter 'is it?'.

I stand, wrapping my pastry in a napkin.

"It's not unkind if it's true. I didn't know how to use them. Because I was a slave, remember?"

And I walk out, turning my back on Victors livid face.

I've barely gotten through the door to my room when a hand hooks my waist and pulls. My back is flush with the wall, and he's pressed against me, arms around my waist pulling me onto my toes.

"I thought you'd gone." I whisper, heartbeat in my ears. My fingers try to find purchase on the jacket, but the material is sturdy, and doesn't yield.

"I don't have long but I wanted to see you." He moves his forehead to mine.

There's a chill to his skin and clothes, like the outside has sunk its teeth into him and won't let go.

I lean back to look into his eyes. Dark, not a star in the sky. "Are you alright?"

His thumbs run over my jaw as I watch him consider lying.

Everything about him is sharper.

Everything about him is a Guardian.

"You remember the Guardian outpost, the building we passed on the drive-in? The Strigoi are taunting it, not just stalking the perimeter but the main road. There are a number of burrows on the mountainside adjacent, more than the number of Strigoi we've seen so it makes me think they are decoy tunnels. But not understanding their behaviour is concerning enough. After what happened in Estonia, I think co-ordinating a raid is the right choice, Zoey agrees but – "

"But Victor wants you to wait, so it looks worse for Nathan and better for him."

That look comes back over him, a contained rage. "Yes, and I don't know how I'm going to play that to the others."

"If something goes wrong, will they blame you?"

"If something goes wrong it will be my fault. They are mine to lead, mine to protect."

"But no one protects you."

The storm quietens then, a glimpse of my Dimitri surfaces. One hand leaves me to point to his chest and I understand.

My nails scrape against the material of the jacket, useless at drawing him closer but it doesn't matter, he understands. His lips are chilled, the shock of the cold contrasting to the heat of his tongue and a small noise unfurls in my throat.

It's a brief kiss, it's an everything kiss.

His fingers curl against my neck and I shiver, "I have to go."

My heart starts beating faster for a different reason as he slides from my grip.

"Please be safe, please come back." My mouth opens and shuts uselessly, and I can only stare at him.

There's a small tug at the corner of his mouth, gold winking in the dark. "I'll come home."

Then he's gone.

I stand there controlling my breathing for a moment and then I run to the bedroom, diving for his pillow and pulling out the folded piece of paper.

I made it to the gym three hours later than planned. I hadn't stuck around to find out when Natalie was coming for my so-called lesson, but she didn't turn up that night. Only Ben comes, weary and weighed down but still his knee bounces as his mind wanders away from the game he's put on.

Spiridon skulks in later without a word - somehow my room has become the common area when they don't have to be anywhere else. He asks me if Natalie has shown up and when I shake my head he storms out.

"I can't wait to leave." I mutter.

"Yeah, me too." Ben sighs.

---

The next day after the gym I'm towelling off my hair and wondering if I should swallow my pride and go find Natalie when I hear the door open. I glance toward the bed, where my note, now more of a letter, is hiding.

I brace myself walking into the living area only to be brought up short.

"Natalie?"

Spiridon doesn't look up from arranging gleaming silver on the table. "Not here, obviously. And since I am, I'm sure you can piece it together."

"And you have nothing better to do?"

A knife clatters and eyes with the same acuity meet mine. "No, I don't. After coaching Benny on how to annunciate and to lay off the jargon, the better use of my time is ensuring you don't act like a savage."

I raise an eyebrow. "A savage?"

A thin smile, "They have very little expectation of you, any fault backs up what they believe is fact. Sit down."

I bite my tongue and do as I'm told. All the pent-up frustration and questions I had ready for Natalie roil around my head with no way out. An explosion waiting for a spark.

"This is ridiculous." I sigh, eyeing the multiple spoons.

"It's what they deem important and that's not for us to criticize." He sits down beside me and starts explaining the order of use.

"Count the tines if you forget. They don't go above five so it shouldn't be an issue."

"Funny."

I repeat the order back to him, numerous times, answering when he points to each different piece. Then he moves on to behaviour. Why are they placing rules around eating? As if it is some kind of test on being deserving?

They will never know what it's like to starve.

When I say as much Spiridon tosses a knife, the gleaming silver clattering across the tabletop.

"How about, you eat and be grateful, and speak when spoken to? Then it'll all be over before you know it."

I clench my teeth. "Natalie wasn't going to come, was she?

"Oh, she will, when she's ready. See, the point would be to have you sweating and worried, knowing you're on her time. Not yours, not Victors."

Hurt curves through my stomach. She wanted me to depend on her, worried I'd fail and disappoint Victor without her. Heat springs to my eyes and I don't know who's more mortified, me or Spiridon.

He clears his throat and gets up. Behind me I hear the fridge open, and a can cracks open. Hastily wipe the tears away and take a deep breath.

"She doesn't think outside of her feelings sometimes." He says quietly. "She's hurt, so nothing beyond that matters."

I whirl around in my seat. "But I didn't do anything to hurt her. I wouldn't – all I did was help Adrian." And myself but I wasn't getting into that with him. "But if it was between helping Adrian and hurting Natalie's feelings, I'd still choose the same."

"Then what the fuck are you crying over?"

Spark.

"Why did you help Adrian? Why did you tell him how to move money and stay all night?" It's like poking a psi hound with a stick and still, I keep going. "Did you do all that hoping it would please Victor? Tell Sofia to get him a Guardian so they'll trust you and tell you where they're going? You'd have more to report back then."

It's unnatural, how silver his eyes become. Honed blades.

"But you haven't told him everything, have you?" I ask breathlessly.

A thin, taunting smile and my stomach drops out, "Like what?"

"Like he's healed you."

His face grows colder, angrier and I will myself not to cringe.

Adrian might trust him, might want to believe in him but I know more intimately where his loyalties lie. Where it will always lead back to, what motivations might be behind helping others. It's stupid to trust the hand reaching out to help when it can just as easily turn against you.

"Or are you waiting until he's so far away you don't have to feel as bad about it?"

"Your naivety is painful." He says quietly, ice in his tone. "I have never pitied anyone the way I pity you. How have you not grasped the value of information? And here you are spewing things to me when you know what my goals are, what I believe in – who I believe in, and for what?"

"You don't believe in him, not like you used to. Guardian oaths are about protecting those who need protection. That's why you haven't told Victor because he'd use it in some way. The way he's used me – the way he uses you, Dimitri, Ben and even Natalie."

I'd thought of Spiridon as Victor's shield but hammered too many times, it begins to crack.

"Do you think it's right that he didn't warn me about the wine?" I ask lifting my chin. "Keeping Natasha close to me, forcing Dimitri to date her, allowing Lissa to get close to Christian? What about Sonya, she's somewhere Ben can't reach her. Delighted Adrian likes me because he can use that against Nathan to gain power. Make you…do things."

My voice faltered when it came to him and somehow that was worse than actually saying what I knew.

His face becomes impossibly dark, and vicious. He leans in close, and I flinch back, my leg hitting the couch.

"Don't fuck this dinner up." He says softly.

He walks away to the door, stopping to pluck something up from the carpet.

"Would she be proud of you? Your mother?"

He turns back with a delighted sneer, "Would yours?"

He flicks something toward me, and it pings across the carpet.

The doors already closed when I pick up Dimitri's shirt button.

---

Natalie doesn't come. Ben doesn't either and I spend the rest of the night roaming anxiously around the confines of the suite.

Would yours?

My stomach twists so violently that twice I think I'm going to be sick.

I think about adding it to my letter. I think about Dimitri appearing as the night turns to morning and I can tell him. He'd be calm, he'd know what to do. He'd tell me not to panic.

He doesn't come.

I feel like something is in my stomach slowly eating away as the early evening passes around me. I can't bring myself to go train or go to breakfast.

Time creeps closer to midnight and after changing three times I finally settle on what to wear. I try calling Adrian, but my phone doesn't ring.

Half an hour before dinner there's a curt knock on my door and my heart leaps to my throat.

If Spiridon knew anything something would have happened by now? Unless he was bluffing, unless he just thought I'd fooled around with someone, like Mason, and he'd had a …strong reaction to that before.

I open the door to Natalie's haughty face. She's wearing a green dress that makes her eyes gleam like jewels and Victor's present from New Year's.

She looks me up and down. "Why aren't you dressed?"

That rattly-nervous energy stalls and I glare at her. "I am."

"Hmph."

She brushes past me and comes to a stop near the table, "What's that?"

I eye the abandoned silverware. "Spiridon brought it over – yano, to show me how to use a knife and fork."

She has the decency to look embarrassed, but it eclipses quickly. "Well, someone should have told me then I wouldn't have bothered with these." She dumps what she's carrying down on the couch, the clinking a telling to what's in there.

Spiridon had brought over a whole set, a box full of silverware and she'd brought what she could be bothered to carry.

"Can you just tell me why your mad instead of acting like a bitch?"

"Excuse me?"

I sigh. "You heard me. You've ignored me, avoided me, not invited me with you – and I know it's because of the ball, so can you just…tell me what I've done wrong so I can fix it?"

When she doesn't say anything, I step closer. "I didn't mean to take anything from you. I didn't know it would go like this."

Natalie's chin lifts and her eyes are ablaze, "Of course, you didn't. Because we can't upset Rose, we can't be angry with her, she doesn't know any better." I flinch but she keeps going. "That's the worst part. You do something without realising and it makes such an impact where I try so hard, and it's not enough. It's never enough."

"But I – it's because of you that –"

She chokes a laugh, and her face is both angry and on the verge of crying. "Yes, because of me. You got to meet everyone, your names printed in their minds, and everyone knows you hung out with Sofia Tarus. In her house."

"I didn't! I went to see Adrian."

"Yeah! You went to see Adrian while I was left doing damage control of what you both did! Did you even mention me to her? Do you have any idea of the influence she holds that could help me achieve my goals? No, no of course you didn't because you don't get it."

I don't and I hadn't spoken of her at all only to tell Adrian he'd been right.

"If you'd told me I would have!"

It isn't enough.

"Natalie…Natalie, I'm sorry. I – "

"I thought when you told him about Adrian he'd say no, he'd realise what it would do but he didn't. He looked at you like you'd solved all his problems."

My first friend in years. The first girl I'd ever met, and I don't know how to close the few steps between us.

"I won't go, I'll stay here."

She scoffs. "Yeah, because that would go down well. Lissa thinks it's my fault you're ignoring her. Go change, put on your black dress and the cashmere cardigan. Tights and flats. Hurry up."

I do as I'm told, feeling numb. I add Lissa's bracelet, feeling like I need it.

When I'm dressed there's no more time to waste and Natalie is poised by the door, flinging it open as soon as I step out of the bedroom.

Victor and Spiridon are in the hall. No sign of Ben.

"Don't you both look extraordinary." Victor smiles, polished in his suit.

Natalie beams, no trace of our conversation on her face. I fall behind them both, Spiridon, and I behind the two Moroi.

"Ben?" I murmur to him.

There's no emotion on his face. "Uncouth for the job at hand."

I dissect that word in my head and apply the meaning.

We follow the two Moroi through the halls and up elevators until arriving at a part of the Lodge I haven't been to.

It's then Spiridon sidesteps to be by Victor's shoulder, and I follow him into the room. Natalie doesn't look back as she breaks off, aiming for Camille, Ralf, and Jesse. There's a long table and so many Moroi talking amongst the music.

"Rose!"

I barely have time to turn before I'm buried in Lissa's arms. She smells like her, amber and vanilla. For a moment, everything is fine, everything is alright.

Then she pulls back, an accusing look on her face. "Where have you been?"

Before I can scramble for a lie veiled in truth Rhea is there, talking quickly about introductions and ushering us forward.

"I'm so nervous but I'm glad I didn't know beforehand, or I would have had a meltdown."

"About what?" I ask as Rhea's voice umbrellas us in an introduction to someone.

But Lissa only smiles wider as my hand is taken.

"This is Lissa's dear friend Rose –"

Elegant, long fingers close around mine and lift my hand to an inclined head. A chill marches down my spine.

"Rosemarie. Because a Rose cut short is a pity."

Lucas Ozera smiles at me like I've kept him waiting.