a/n: I'd like to thank everyone for their patience as I work out the kinks in the plot and get everything ready. We will be going back to our regularly scheduled posting of biweekly on Saturdays beginning with the 20th of January and ending, if everything goes well, 22nd of June (I know, long time, but I'm only posting every other weekend, so...) I'd like to thank anyone who has read this story so far, hopefully you like where it goes.

Apologies as well now for this being a day late. I ended up picking up a shift at work! Ah the terrible timing of things.

CHAPTER TWO

OWNER OF A LONELY HEART

Steve stared into his pantry. He wanted to take something with him. He was heading up to the cemetery for Max. She hadn't come out of the coma yet. She'd been going to see Billy's grave for a while after he'd died. Then everything had gone down with Vecna and the Creel house. He was still trying to process it months later. He'd figured it was especially important to go now, in July, on the one year anniversary of his death.

He was also going to stop by Skull Rock. Steve didn't go by the trailer park any more, which as far as he knew, was still closed anyway. He would go out to the last place that they had been all together. Skull Rock. He'd set up a kind of headstone there for Eddie. Made mostly of whatever large stones he could find lying around. He'd even carved E. Munson onto one of them. Nearly cut off his finger in the process.

Now he faced the daunting task of actually choosing what he was going to bring along to leave. He knew Eddie wasn't there. That he wouldn't be coming back. Some deep part of him had accepted that fact a long time ago. Yet, there was still this overpowering need to do it. What would it hurt? He settled on a can of beer from the fridge. He walked to his car, head low. Steve put the can in his pocket and crawled in.

Steve pulled out of the driveway, and headed in the direction of the cemetery first. He didn't like to spend as long in the graveyard as he did at Eddie's makeshift grave. He had definite mixed feelings about Billy. He wanted to do right by Max, but felt weird. Steve also didn't feel like he'd had enough of an acquaintance with Hargrove to warrant more than a quick visit to tell him how Max was. If she was making any progress or not. It rarely took more than five minutes. Max had made no noticeable progress in more than a month. She was stuck in some kind of stasis. Jane had made no progress finding her.

He switched on the radio and listened to whatever started playing. Not that he was paying all that much attention to start with. He followed the familiar path up to the cemetery. Steve had to give himself a pep talk the whole way. He killed the engine and stepped out, heading up the small hill. He stood by the marker.

"Hey Billy." He put his hands in his pockets. "Nothing's changed with Max. She's still in the coma. Jane doesn't know if she can come back. We don't know where she went. I thought she could only find people who had their whole body disappear into another place. I didn't know she could find just like, souls, or whatever. I guess, yeah, you can have this."

He sat the beer next to Billy's headstone. He was sure Billy would appreciate it. He didn't know how he knew. Steve stood for a few moments longer. He didn't know what else to say, so he turned back and went to the car. Steve didn't waste time to head back down toward Randall Road. He parked the car close to an old deer trail that led in and almost straight to the stone.

Hidden in the glove box was one of the pre-rolled joints that Eddie had made for him. That was the thing he'd leave.

Steve shuffled through the underbrush, dodging dead or dying plants. The gates had caused so much destruction since opening that he wasn't sure any more where it was safe to walk. Hawkins had all but become the Upside Down. He didn't understand why Vecna would turn this place into the other dimension instead of just abducting Jane and closing the gates. She'd have no way to get back. Maybe someone smarter than him could tell him when he got home.

"Hey Edds, I brought you a little something." He put the joint on the pile of stones that he'd erected and sat down. Steve never stood for these visits. Not like he did with Billy. He could be here for hours and not realize it, telling Eddie all about what had happened since the last visit. "The rot is spreading further. It's all the way up to Beacon Hill now. Heading to the junkyard. They still don't know how to combat it. I'm worried for the others.

"Jane is doing better. She's not as quiet as she was when she came back from Nevada. You really would have liked her. I'm sorry you didn't get to meet. Um, Max is still in the coma. They say she may never wake up. Lucas is upset. I don't blame him. I would be, too. If I was still with Nancy and she suddenly got hurt and they didn't think she'd come back.

"They restarted Hellfire Club. I play sometimes, but I'm absolutely terrible at it. Dustin has been trying to teach me. I'm horrible with all of the math. I think you'd like my character. I'm a human bard called Edowin the Brave. He's totally modeled after you. Though they have been making me come up with my own songs and stuff for when I cast. Makes them laugh every time. I'm glad they are getting at least a little normal before it all goes to hell.

"You'd have liked Will, too. Maybe Jonathon. Will was the one who got the kids into playing. He's back permanently now from California or wherever it was they had moved to. I don't remember…" He paused to take a deep breath. It was hard sometimes to give him these updates. Eddie had only been gone for a few weeks, but it still stung like it had happened the day before. "Still haven't found a job. There's not much now that the gates are open all over the place and people are moving out. Too many businesses have closed. If it weren't for the fact I want to see this through to the end, I probably would have moved on myself."

He sighed. He would have, too. He had almost no money. If it weren't for his parents still paying the bills, he'd have lost the house a while ago. Steve wasn't sure why they were even keeping it. They hadn't been back since '84, and that was just to go to some meeting or another and tell Steve he was effectively cut off. They'd never even tried to contact him again after that.

He leaned back against the boulders. It was getting harder and harder to come out here. Steve looked at his hands. Hands that had been so close to just grabbing Eddie and dragging him home.

"We miss you. You shouldn't have died. I should have been there to protect you. I am so sorry. I let you down." Steve rubbed his face, trying to dry the tears that he could feel forming. "They talk about you constantly. Dustin has tried to call you twice. Hung up in a panic the time he actually did and Wayne answered. I hope you're happy wherever it is you are…."

He couldn't take it any more. His eyes were watering so badly he could hardly see. Steve got up, brushing his clothes off and turned. He raised his hand to wave goodbye. He didn't trust himself to actually say anything without choking. Steve fled back down to the car.

He had to drive home slowly. He could hardly see through all the tears. Steve nearly drove off the road a few times because of it. He was relieved when he'd finally pulled into his own garage and shut off the engine. He went inside and collapsed onto the kitchen chair. He dragged his hand through his hair again, just trying to calm himself down enough to do anything.

Once his vision had cleared enough that he could even see what he was doing, he went into the study. Steve had pretty much just taken over the house. He'd packed up what things his parents had left and kept them in the garage. No sense in leaving it if they weren't coming back. This was practically his house now. He sat at the desk, opening the drawer and pulling out a leather-bound notebook. It had been some gift his father had received from a client or something and put away. He couldn't really remember. Steve had found it sitting in the drawer as he'd been cleaning up and it was entirely blank, so he'd taken it for himself.

He opened it to the next blank page, taking a pen from the holder on the desk.

Sunday, July 27, 1986

I had the thoughts again. The ones of him. I can't help it some days. I went to Skull Rock. I shouldn't have and I know it. Can't help myself any more. It's the only way to be close to him now. The what-ifs keep coming up in my head. What if I had said what I had been thinking before Nancy, Robin, and I went into the Creel House? What if I had followed my instincts and turned around to go back when I heard the bats? Too many what-ifs to consider there. Then there are the what-ifs from before we even left. The first one to come into my head, and the biggest: what if I had given in to the urge and actually kissed him? I've never felt like that toward a guy before and it scares me. Does this mean I'm gay? I don't feel gay.

He closed the journal and stuck it back in the drawer before he could fall down that particular rabbit hole again. He'd been down there so many times that he was starting to think he'd lost his mind for real. Steve was torn most of the time between worrying about the people he had come to think of as his family. The ones that mattered. Being there to fill the older brother role for Dustin, Mike, and Lucas. Making sure Max had someone looking in on her since Susan had checked herself into the psych ward. Supporting Jonathan as he weaned himself down from the weed addiction. Being there for Robin and her neverending crush on Vicki, who seemed to barely know Robin even existed outside of their band practices during the school year. He worked hard to make sure there were no hurt feelings between himself and Nancy as she pursued her relationship with Jonathon. It was a lot.

Then he had all the suppressed feelings he was trying to work through on his own. The fear of growing old alone. The intense attraction he'd felt toward Eddie and then noticing other guys since. That was something he really didn't want to discuss with the Party. It made him feel too vulnerable. He looked at the phone sitting on the desk. It beckoned, but he didn't know who he would even call. Nancy was out. It was way too close to the heart for that kind of conversation between them.

It struck him like lightning. The one person he was close to who would in fact understand him perfectly. He grabbed the receiver and punched the numbers with more force than was probably necessary.

"Pick up, pick up…" He tapped his foot on the edge of the desk while he waited.

"Buckley residence, Robin speaking."

"You really need to stop answering your phone like that."

"Yeah yeah, hello to you, too. What's up?"

He took a deep breath, "I needed to talk to you. About something really personal…"

"Okay…" Steve could hear her shuffling. Likely closing the door to whichever room she was in. "What's up?"

"When did you know?"

"When did I know what?"

"That you liked girls. Like, were there signs or did you just suddenly know one day and never turned back?"

"What?" There was just the briefest beat of silence. "What do you mean? Is there something else you need to tell me?"

"I…it's just, I don't know." The line went dead in his hands. Steve pulled the phone away and looked at it in shock. Had she just hung up on him? There was no way. He dialed the number again.

"Buckley residence." It was a man's voice this time. Her father then.

"Hello, um, I was just on the phone with Robin and the line seems to have dropped? Could you put her back on please?"

"I would if she were here. I don't know what it is you said to her, but she slammed the phone down like it bit her and took off. Is there anything I ought to know about what you said to my daughter to make her respond that way?"

"Uh, no. Not that I can think of…thank you anyway." He hung up. Robin had run out of her house? What did he say? Nothing too bad he'd thought. Just asked her when she knew she'd liked girls. Maybe she thought he was turning his back on her or something? Steve decided he needed a drink. He went back out to the kitchen, grabbing a beer from the fridge. He dropped onto the couch.

It couldn't have been fifteen minutes later that his door was being thrown open and the storm that is Robin came crashing in. His head whipped around at the sound and he watched in wide-eyed disbelief as she vaulted herself over his furniture.

"Dingus! Were you saying what I think you were saying?"

"Uh, I don't know?" He gripped the can a little tighter. Robin's sudden appearance and outburst made him nervous. "What, ah, what do you think I was saying?"

"Do you like boys?" Her eyes shone with a manic glee. "Tell me that's what you were saying. Please."

"Yes, but not really? I don't know. There's one boy that I kind of like." He fiddled with the tab. "But it won't work between us."

"What? Why not? Is he like super homophobic or something? One of them First Baptist snobs?"

"He's dead."

She stared at him blankly, "The boy you like, liked, is dead? Is it someone I know?"

"Yeah."

"Is it someone I knew well?" She was starting to get an idea of who it might be.

Steve glanced at her, "Yes. You knew him better than I did at first."

"Is it Eddie?" The pieces were starting to come together. Robin remembered the way the two of them would look at each other during really intense moments. Like they were talking with their eyes and no one else understood. She'd thought once that they were actually going to kiss. When Eddie had leaned over the seat in the Winnebago and called Steve big boy. They had been so close together. "It's okay if it is, Dingus. You know that. Right?"

"I know. It's not even that I like a boy. I've kind of had crushes on boys a lot growing up. Never put much thought into it. I figured it was normal, right? Only now I know it's not normal for everyone. Not everybody has crushes on boys and girls. Most people only get that way for one or the other." He waved his hand. "What's buggin me is that I didn't recognize just how bad I had it until after he'd died."

"You've been bi this whole time?"

"I've been what?" He didn't recognize the word.

"Bi. Bisexual. It's the word for when someone likes both genders. Boys and girls. No wonder you were so accepting of me when I came out at the Mall! I was terrified you'd be like everyone else and just walk right out of my life and yet here you are, a year later, telling me you like boys! I'm proud of you. So stupidly proud."

"You can't tell anyone though. Not yet."

Robin tilted her head, "Not even Dustin?"

"No. Not even Dustin. I want to be a hundred percent on this before I tell the rest of the party. Please, Robin. You of all people should know how personal this is."

"I know. I get it." She wrapped her arms around him, holding him tightly to her. "I won't tell a soul."

Steve tucked his head against her neck, "Thank you."

Robin just held him in silence for a few minutes. It was a very big moment for her best friend. Not only to realize and recognize his emotions, but to be able to admit to them out loud took a lot of bravery. Something she didn't always have. She pulled back and looked him in the eye, gently taking the slightly crushed can and putting it on the table.

"You said other crushes. Have you felt this way about other boys often?"

"Kind of? Nothing like how I felt for Eddie. I had that wavering awed crush on Billy when he first came to Hawkins. It went dead pretty quickly when he showed us just how big of an ass and a bully he was. I also had a small crush on Tommy Hagan when I was like ten. That also went nowhere. I was friends with him until I was about sixteen? It was super awkward." He shrugged. "I had like really really light crushes on some of the kids that we met when we'd go on vacation for Dad's company, but I haven't even thought about any of them in years."

"Wow."

He twisted the end of his shirt, "Robin? Would you stay here with me tonight?"

"Of course." She looked at him. "What happened?"

"I went to Skull Rock today…and to Roane Hill."

"You must have had a really tough day. Let's get you up to bed. It's already past dinner time and you could use the sleep. Get changed. I'll grab a spare set of pajamas from your mom's stuff and meet you up there." Robin pat his shoulders. She disappeared off to the garage to look for the boxes of Mrs. Harrington's clothes. She had helped him pack them away a few weeks ago, and knew where to look. Robin grabbed the least frilly looking set she could find and changed right there in the garage.

Robin shuffled through the kitchen, stopping for water before heading upstairs to find Steve curled up in the master bedroom. He'd rolled himself up in a blanket like a little stuffed cabbage. She set the water on the end table. Robin crawled into the bed, tapping him lightly to let him know she was there. She smiled as he unraveled the cocoon to let her in. He curled against her, his head on her shoulder. Robin held him close. She hummed softly as they drifted off. Steve needed to just be held so that's what she would do.