When people started to arrive at the house for lunch, Jess stayed in her room at first to 'do homework'. Realistically she was on her phone watching reels and mindlessly scrolling social media while trying to avoid any more drama, but anytime someone poked their head into her room to say hi, she would quickly appear focused and busy with the assignment that she'd mistakenly thought was due later in the week instead of tomorrow night. Naturally she still hadn't started and it was taking forever to get her head in the game.
With her luck she would finally focus just before she got 'bullied' into leaving her room and eating lunch.
"Knock knock." Clay appeared around the edge of her door about twenty minutes into everyone being there. He looked like shit. "Mind if I come bug you for a bit?"
"Um…sure! Just for a bit, I'm really busy." Jess sighed when she caught the way his gaze tracked to the phone not quite hidden under her left knee. She couldn't bring herself to lie to his face. "Ok fine. Busy not doing my work. At all. I can't focus worth shit and am totally 100% avoiding everyone."
"Yeah, I kinda figured that." He came in, ruffling Cerberus's hair on his way past the bed where the canine was sprawled happily. Clay perched on the window ledge next to the desk, moving two of Jess's plants aside so there was room for him. "Got enough plants in here?"
"Probably not! Pauline said she found a coffee shop that sells plants. I might go check it out and buy some more…or I'll steal cuttings from the greenhouse plants at school and start some." Jess put her fingers to her lips conspiratorially. "Shh…don't tell anyone, but we all do it towards the end of the semester and the teachers don't actually care, but it's still stealing."
"No promises."
"Ah." Jess shifted awkwardly. "H-how are you doing?"
Clay shrugged, thinking about how his day had gone so far and gave her a wane smile. "I've been up since 5:00am."
"Couldn't sleep?" Jess asked carefully.
"Yeah, I guess you could say that. Jason woke me up and we went for an 8 mile run."
He left out the part where he got cold water dumped on him and that the man had gone full Drill Sarg on him, bringing him back to his basic training days.
"Oh. That sounds pleasant."
"I puked halfway and had to keep going." Clay grimaced.
Wrinkling her nose sympathetically, Jess murmured, "Ew…I puked too, but that was more because I was stressed out over conflict and Scott was pretty mad at me."
"Why?"
"Um…wellllll….please, please, don't be mad?" Jess gave him the biggest pleading eyes she could muster as she said in a rush, "But I kinda accidentally let slip what you told me me not to tell Scott-"
"Fuck." Clay let his head fall back to bump on the window. "He's gonna hand my ass to me."
"No! He said Trent won't let him until he heals up more. Maybe he'll be over it by then?"
"Yeah, no. He holds a grudge."
"Oh." Jess hung her head and started clicking and unclicking her pen. "I'm really sorry…for what it's worth I tried really hard to convince him it wasn't your fault and not to be mad at you."
"You know that probably only made him more mad, right? He really hates it when you take responsibility for stuff that isn't on you."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"It's ok, I'm not upset with you." Clay sighed. "I probably deserve it. Shouldn't have gotten drunk like that while we were out on our own."
"Why? You're human, an adult and you're allowed to make your own decisions!" Jess blurted, ironically saying to him what she couldn't tell herself.
"I'm supposed to take care of you, Jess."
"We were fine! We took care of each other!"
"Yes and no. A lot could have gone wrong, especially with no one knowing where we were, being that close to the water, a secluded area with little light or traffic. That and I haven't been honest with them about what…what the last week did to my head a bit. Wasn't fair to put you in that position and I'm no better than Metal getting scary on you earlier when it comes to that."
"I beg to differ." Jess muttered. "Maybe it wasn't the smartest decision we could have made, but…it actually meant a lot to me…especially all the other stuff we talked about, so…"
"Guess we don't have to be drunk to talk about that stuff though." Clay reminded her, a small smile lifting his mouth.
"Yeah! But it's way more fun and sure does help!" Jess went serious after the moment of false confidence. "Was…was Jason really hard on you? Are they mad?"
Clay took a moment to decide what he would and wouldn't tell her about the way his morning went. Following the run and puking his guts out, Jason sat him down and 'interrogated' him with that air of frustrated compassion that only Jason could use. The man wasn't exactly sensitive, but he cared a lot more about people than he liked to admit.
"Well, I received a full 'if you want to play the role of big brother, you gotta deal with the consequences that come with getting her into trouble' speech, followed by a large dose of 'what the hell were you thinking?' and finally, 'are you doing ok?'," Clay glanced at the door, listening for footsteps before continuing, "We had a good chat though. My head's on straight again, I think."
"He's…he's not out there waiting to lecture me…right?" Jess asked, no small amount of worry showing as she listened, reminding Clay that while they both hated their family being mad at them, he handled it differently than she did.
"I don't think he'll bring it up right away, but I wouldn't discount an ambush at some point when you aren't looking for it."
"Sounds about right." Jess grumbled.
Brock appeared around the corner of the door then and Cerberus hopped off Jess's bed to go to him, "Hey! Lunch is up. Come get it!"
Figuring there was no way around it, Jess smiled tiredly at Clay, knowing he understood at last just a little why this was hard for her.
"Just an overprotective family. We go this." Clay reminded her, speaking softly so that only she heard it.
Lunch was…ok.
There was a thick, underlying tension that Jess could feel, and it put her on edge. They all acted like the team was 'all good' and there were no issues, but by the time she was done eating and listening to Sonny bicker 'good naturedly' with Clay, she was ready to put some distance because they were making her head spin.
It was like all that was wrong with her 'family' was just staring her in the face and not doing her any favors because while she could see they were mostly physically ok, things were not good yet. Given how badly she hated conflict, she just wanted to avoid all of them…with the exception of Scott and Trent. They were the only two who were acting mostly normal, other than Scott growling at Clay a little. Brock was mostly normal too, if not just a little too quiet today and smiling less.
The tight smiles, subtle jabs and mildly aggressive stares between Sonny, Jason, Ray and Clay were what really got to her. There was a small part of her that could actually appreciate Scott's sentiment of 'just beat the crap out of each other and get it over with' rather than passive aggression.
"Well, yeah, pretty boy," Sonny snarked 'lightly', bringing her back from the far away place she'd zone out to again, "I was out all on my lonesome with all those honeys. You really missed out…but sounds like you had fun last night anyway, didn't you."
With the last straw hitting her back, Jess hopped up from the table and said quietly, "Got some work to do."
"Sure you can think properly, Snow White?" Sonny called after her. "Must be some hangover you got there."
"Getting worse listening to your wonderful voice." Jess muttered, only just loud enough for Ray to hear as she passed him.
Whether the Texan was teasing her properly or not, hungover, or if he was pissed off she went and had fun without him, or that she did something they all decided was 'stupid', Jess didn't' really care. She just needed some space.
Once she closed her door she dug out her phone and texted Pauline, telling her she was coming riding at 1. Pauline was alone on the farm that weekend, the owners were away and the riding club was at a show, so it was the perfect weekend to have things to themselves.
She changed into her riding clothes, tossed on a sweater and dragged out the medium sized tote she hauled the rest of her horse stuff around in. Helmet, boots, crash vest if she needed it, extra clothes, treats, various other stuff she'd collected and arguably didn't need right now because she didn't actually own a horse.
With the boys all still there and having a hushed discussion in the living room that switched back into that false cheer the moment she came out of her room, Jess opted to walk with confidence and not say anything at all. Scott knew where she was going. That was enough.
"Wow, where do you think you're going?" Jason demanded, first out of all of them to say anything after watching her march past with her bin.
"To the barn." Jess was already at the door.
"What part of 'grounded' did you not understand?" Jason asked, challenging her with an air that she couldn't identify.
The thought of being told she couldn't ride sparked the fight in her, and Jess stood firm.
"Uh, you can't ground me." Jess stated, waffling between almost laughing and being upset because she really didn't know what to do with this situation anymore. When she tried to catch Scott's eye for help, he just shrugged, reminding her that he said he wasn't going to get involved and she felt the sting of abandonment.
"Really." Jason said, crossing his arms.
"Y-yeah." Uncertain, Jess set her bin on the ground and opened the door.
"That's not gonna fly." Ray sighed, as if warning her patiently but already knowing how this conversation was going to go.
Irritation at all of them flared out of the blue and Jess set her jaw. "Why not!? Like it or not none of you can tell me what I can and can't do…and I don't mean that in an asshole way…it's just true."
"Oh….young grasshopper." Sonny shook his head. "You have so much to learn."
"Nope. You all can just get over it. I'm going to the barn. Hey…where are my keys?" Jess moved stuff on the front table, hunting for them.
"Oh, you mean these keys?" Jason held them, letting them click out of his fist into the air, dangling off his finger.
"Seriously!?"
"Told you. You're grounded. Now come and spend some quality time with us."
"You can't ground me." Jess told him stubbornly, something in her brain digging in because she hadn't been 'parented' since she was 17 and left home, plus she desperately needed to ride and no one, not even her mother could keep her from that. She figured if they were already mad at her, fine. They all could just friggin be mad at her. At least Scott wasn't, and Trent wasn't, and probably Brock wasn't too, and neither was Clay, and that was enough. "And I can just as easily tell Paulie to come get me. Taking my keys won't stop me and, for the sake of my sanity , I'm going riding because all of you are just…I don't even know but it's stifling, and loud, and-and- just- I can't. I can't with all the passive aggression and if you think I can't tell there's still shit going on between all of you then you're wrong."
"Are you done?" Jason asked almost coldly.
"Yes." Jess replied, fire leaving her as quickly as it came and she went a deep shade of red. It took all of her willpower not to apologize and start crying right then and there. "Now can I please have my keys."
There was a long stand off between Jess and Jason while the rest of the room watched almost uncomfortably.
"You aren't going without a babysitter." Jason finally said in a clipped tone that told them all he knew he just lost and wasn't happy about it.
"I don't care." Said Jess with acidity, rolling her eyes and lifting the bin again. She kicked open the door the rest of the way with her toe. "Send all the 'babysitters' you want with me if it makes you feel better."
"You heard her!" Jason snapped over his shoulder. "Let's go boys!"
There was a communal exchange of looks because they were all very much aware that Jason was going overboard here, yet none of them wanted to miss the continued battle of wills. That and they felt a little bad leaving Jess to deal with him alone.
"I literally don't even care!" Jess snapped in return. "Come if you want to, just stay out of my way."
"Oh, you've got yourself a whole babysitting detail now with that attitude."
"Don't care!" Jess called over her shoulder as she marched to her car.
"Boss…don't you think maybe you're overdoing it a bit?" Trent asked, coming up beside Jason as they started to leave Metal's house.
"Nope. She's gotta learn."
"Learn what, Jase?" Ray asked worriedly, "She's not wrong. We've all been hiding our lack of team spirit pretty poorly all through lunch. Maybe we should give her space. She's not a child."
"Yeah, and I think Metal handled all the lecturing already?" Brock chimed in with an edge when he looked at Metal.
"No." Jason said confidently. "This isn't about being drunk last night and not calling anyone…this is a matter of her challenging me. It's just like when Mikey and Emma do it! I never let them get away with it, and she won't either."
"I thought you just said the other day that Emma can take you through the ringer any day of the week and the harder you hang on the worse she bites you." Ray raised a brow when Jason cast him a sharp look.
"Exactly. I've made that kid so strong with my jackass parenting!" Jason flashed the biggest smile all the sudden and pride shone in his eyes as he trotted down the steps, "Did you see that fire when she walked out the door! That's the confidence we want. Right there!"
"Wait," Clay had just caught up to them. "Are you telling me you're being overbearing and overprotective of her right now on purpose?! Just to piss her off and get her to dig her heels in?"
Jason put his sunglasses on and tossed Jess's keys to her across the driveway when she glared in his direction. "A little, yeah."
Clay looked like he wanted to say something more, but opted not to, instead climbing into a back seat with Brock.
"Or are you using the fact that we'll all agree you're being a dick right now with her and thus making it a team bonding exercise." Metal muttered when the others dissipated into two vehicles and started after Jess. She didn't even wait for any of them and had already peeled out in the safe way only Jess could with her little standard car.
"Common ground. You always have been smarter than you look, Scotty." Jason told him smugly. "And I know you've done something similar with Alpha over the years."
"Don't take it too far. Doesn't end well." Metal warned with an unspoken promise that Jason had the sense to pay attention to.
"Trust me. I never take it too far."
Grunting a noncommittal answer, Metal got in the back of Trent's car and they got underway.
Jess got off the highway and pulled into the driveway of the horse farm outside of the confines of city living, fuming and probably driving just a little too fast trying to outrun them.
For a second she thought she had on the highway, but then Sonny pulled up in the lane beside her and passed her for a bit, grinning the whole time and clearly trying to get under her skin when he cut into her lane in front of her and then purposely slowed down so she would have to let Jason's truck catch up behind her.
Parking and getting out of the car, Jess slammed the door and popped the trunk, determined to completely ignore the big ass turds who followed her to her sanctuary. If they hadn't just had a terrible spin up and realistically nearly died, Jess wouldn't have been able to start taking calming breaths and promising to make the best of it.
"What's with the Navy bros?" Paulie asked, squinting as Bravo piled out.
"Don't even look at them." Jess grumbled. "It'll only encourage them."
"What is going on?!" Pauline half laughed.
"I'm 'grounded' because I forgot to tell them I wouldn't be home last night and they didn't know where I was." Jess said sarcastically.
"Oh my god. Really?!" Pauline seemed torn between laughing her ass off and being appalled. "You're an adult! They need to take a chill pill."
"I know, but…there's been some stuff going on and…I'm starting to think maybe this is just them being turds for fun now because they know it bugs me…at the very least it makes them feel better so whatever. They wanna freeze their asses off while I ride, they can go right ahead."
"Wow. Better you than me, Jess. I'd tell them to fuck right off." Walking together into the barn and ignoring the group of seven shadows trailing behind, Pauline sighed. "I suppose the only downside to working here is that my boss knows them, and keeps telling me to invite them out to ride. I guess a while back he let them use some of his horses to do training or whatnot and he's a veteran. Knows The Caveman and Grumpy Guss Jason, I think?"
"Of course he does." Jess said blandly. "Guess there's no kicking them off the property then. Damn."
Pauline looked over her shoulder just in time to see Trent about to pet a chestnut mare down the end who was luring him in with innocent charm with her head over her stall.
"I wouldn't do that!" Pauline called. "She bites."
Trent quickly withdrew his hand and waved a 'thanks'
"You know what I'm thinking?" Pauline asked as they headed for the end of the barn where Charlie and Joey were.
"We take our ever loving time and make them regret coming?"
"Exactly. Do you know many boyfriends I've scared off by bringing them to the barn once ? They'll get bored before we ever get on the horses."
Making a face, Jess shrugged and dumped her bin on the floor, saying in a low voice, "Maybe. I don't know. They do sit still for hours on end in the middle of nowhere pretending to be trees for a living, so…they'll probably out last those guys."
"Can't hurt to try!" Pauline smiled, winking at Jess when the boys finally meandered up from taking their sweet time 'inspecting' everything. They kept their distance, not saying much, clearly pretending they 'weren't there'. They were actually doing a decent job of staying out of Jess's way.
Getting Charlie from his stall, Jess put him in the crossties and decided that maybe she did want to drag things out a little, so she went through every single brush she could find in the buckets of grooming equipment, grooming the horse till he shone and then painstakingly cleaned out every one of his hooves. That genuinely took a while because the young thing didn't like his feet being touched and kept waving his feet out of her grip.
She had to admit she got no small amount of enjoyment when Sonny started pacing restlessly, side glaring at the horse every time he 'kicked'. Trent sat tiredly on a bale of hay when she started braiding Charlie's tail for fun rather than put the saddle on. Then guilt crept in when Scott found somewhere to sit next grimacing a little when he sank down and reminding her they were all still banged up. He caught her faltering stare and shook his head the tiniest bit and a smirk appeared, letting her know he knew exactly what she was doing and encouraged it.
With that, Jess immediately forgave him for not backing her up with Jason and felt the tiniest glow of pride that she was holding her own in her own way.
Pauline and Jess stayed mostly quiet at first. Jess found it annoying because part of coming to the barn was being able to rant to each other and with Bravo there they couldn't, but after a while, they started talking about every horse thing they could think of and created a 'code' for talking about what they wanted too by using made up horse names and fake events. It was easy to do, given how long they'd know each other and could practically read each other's minds.
The ride itself went alright up until Jess asked Charlie to canter. Then the fun began.
The horse squealed loudly, kicking with a half buck before plowing to a stop and rearing.
"Charlie!" Paulie sighed. "Now is not the time!"
"This happens often!?" Sonny asked, his shoulders tight as he struggled to stop himself from going over the fence. Bravo had been sitting along the benches outside the ring meant for parents at riding lessons, talking occasionally and making jokes that were actually light and heartfelt for once that day.
Now they were mostly quiet, sitting tense and waiting to see what would happen.
Brock leaned over to Trent and whispered, "Ten bucks she falls off in the next thirty seconds."
"You're on." Trent answered without thinking, unable to resist the bet. In hindsight he didn't really want her to fall and he regretted betting on it.
Beside him Clay hissed, "Make it twenty and she doesn't go off at all."
Metal and Jason both stayed utterly still, watching and not weighing in their own bets as the girl literally clung to the back of the horse.
"Are we sure she's safe?" Ray asked Pauline, failing to hide the concern.
"What? Yeah…she's fine." Pauline checked her own horse gently when Joey started to dance, holding him still near the fence so he didn't encourage Charlie to keep misbehaving. "JESS! Try that thing we talked about!"
"I am!" Jess sang as the horse reared a second time. She threw her hands forward once more and her body up against his neck, keeping the animal from going right over on her. "My legs aren't strong enough! Geez! Charles! What is with you?!"
"Is it gonna tip backward?" Clay asked, the stupid bet now forgotten as he shifted uncomfortably. "I feel like it's gonna fall on her…"
Pauline didn't answer this time, her lips in a firm line as she watched the animal mercifully come back onto all four hooves, snorting.
"Are you done?" Jess asked, panting and getting her one foot back in the stirrups.
Charlie pinned his ears and dropped his head, taking off across the ring, bucking and leaping. Jess stayed on until the last spin where she got dumped hard into the ground and wall of the far end of the ring. The echo of the *smack* as Jess's body hit the wall was loud.
"Fuck," Trent breathed, up and already half over the gate. He paused when Jess rolled with the fall out and pushed herself up onto her knees.
"Let's try that again, shall we!" She said tightly to the horse, oblivious to the people around her as she stood up again, limping slightly towards the gelding.
"What- Are we seriously letting her get back on!?" Sonny fumed. "Damn horses! She's gonna get herself fuckin killed!"
"You heard her earlier." Metal muttered, letting out a long breath. "We can't really control what she does and she's not wrong. She's her own person. Let her be."
"The hell we can't control what she does." Sonny snapped. "We go drag her off the horse, zip tie her and haul her ass home again, then we ban her from ever doing this shit again!"
"Sonny!" Jason cast a sharp look at him, shaking his head. "No. That's not happening."
"All I'm saying is it's an option, and when did you suddenly become the voice of reason, Mr. Let's go Babysit!"
"You didn't have to come." Jason reminded them. "And in case you forgot, we do dangerous shit every day."
Pauline ignored them and slipped off Joey, tying him to the post. "Hey, Jess, I wonder if it's the saddle! He was acting off on Tuesday too when I was on him with that one."
"Yeah, I was thinking that too. He seems like he's uncomfortable when he moves. Might not be a good fit." Jess answered as she coaxed the horse back over to her. He was torn between dancing about the ring on his own and wanting to see if she had treats. "I'm gonna take it off."
"Oh! Ok! Yeah, I mean, that'll answer that question really fast but like, are you sure? You kinda hit the wall pretty hard."
"Yup!" Jess already had Charlie now and was loosening the girth. "I'll be fine. Besides, I balance better anyway without a saddle anyway and he's typically calmer when I ride like this."
"What is she doing?!" Sonny asked incredulously. "Jess! What are you doing ?!"
"Going bareback!" Jess called over her shoulder as she slipped the saddle off and hung it on the far gate. "And stop yelling! You're upsetting him. You know horses can hear your heartbeat from over here right? He'll pick up on it if it's not calm and it'll stress him out. He's very sensitive, so either take a chill pill or leave."
"That's cool." Brock murmured. Out of all of them he was the least ruffled by seeing her go flying.
"Did she just tell me to fuckin calm down?!" Sonny asked, utterly baffled, proud and offended all at once.
"Yeah, Sonny. I think she did." Trent snorted. "She's not wrong. You're gettin a little frantic there, cowboy."
Out in the ring, Charlie heaved a big sigh the moment the saddle came off and Jess gave him a treat from her pocket. Then she led him to the edge of the ring and used a block to climb up. The horse squealed again, kicking his heels, but his ears were forward instead of pinned when Jess slipped onto his back.
She let him take up an easy trot almost right away and then asked for the canter. He bucked again, only this time Jess was grinning and she let out the rein after gently checking him.
"Saddle?" Pauline called.
"Saddle." Jess confirmed. "He's back to normal. Poor guy! Must have really hurt!"
"What is it with horse girls and it never being the horse's fault?" Trent muttered.
There was a communal shrug/headshake and the tension dissipated as Charlie carried Jess around the ring eagerly without a fuss.
After a while they got bored again and Brock suddenly asked Metal, "Are you making her pay rent?"
The big man shrugged. "She insisted, so I'm letting her give a hundred less than the same amount she was at the old place and finding ways to get it back into her pocket."
"Oh?" Jason perked up. "How so?"
"Filling the car up more often, which drives her nuts. It's awesome. Putting it into payments for utilities too since I won't let her do that right now and I know she wants to. Food. She doesn't notice but she hasn't run out of milk in a month. Last week I snuck fifty into her wallet and she never noticed. It's fun actually."
"That does sound fun. Maybe we should get in on the action too." Sonny mused.
"You just can't let her know, or it will ruin it." Trent cautioned.
Metal gave him a look. "Have you already been-?"
"Oh, yeah. For weeks now, any time I see her. Just small things. Mostly small bills slipped into her bag. Far as I know she hasn't caught on yet."
"I steal her for breakfast some mornings and we have this game where we see who can pay first. I usually win." Clay added.
"Cerberus and I drop off lunch sometimes when she's out at the Park for her placement." Brock admitted.
"I pick her up from school at random intervals and take her grocery shopping," Said Jason.
Ray nodded, "Naima and I feed her any time she's over at our place. She hasn't gotten away with babysitting for free in a while. Naima won't have it when she refuses payment and Jess is smart enough not to challenge that sweet woman of mine."
"How in the hell am I the only one not part of this?!" Sonny asked, put out. "You're all makin me look bad!"
"Well, get with the tour there, Sonny boy!" Clay laughed. "Not our fault we love Jess more than you do."
"Excuse me! I love that girl the same as the rest of you!" Sonny squawked. "I'm just going to have to show it in a more unique way than the rest of you."
"Hey!" Jason suddenly called out, "Where you two going?"
"For a hack." Pauline answered, a challenge radiating from her face as she opened the gate at the far end of the ring that lead to outside.
"Jess, come here for a minute." Jason waved her over.
Heaving a long suffering sigh, Jess walked Charlie over and slipped off for a minute so she could adjust his bridle band and check him over for rub marks.
"What?" Jess asked, not as angry as she had been at the house but her tone was still cold.
"How far are you going?"
The way Jason asked was more of a demand than a question out of genuine concern and it made Jess bristle, saying, "Length of the property."
"And how long does that take?"
"As long as I feel like," Jess all but growled. "You wanna stop now? Cause it's not funny, and it's not- you're just- you're kinda being a controlling ass!"
There was a split second in which Jason opened his mouth with surprise and Jess's own crumpled with regret, tears threatening around her lashes.
"Good girl." Jason said, approval brightening his previously clipped words. "Don't let me push you around like that. Don't let anyone push you around or control you like that. Know the difference between concern and control."
"W-what!?" Jess went slack with disbelief. "Y-you're being an asshole on purpose!?"
"Yeah. Only way to learn resilience is by being pushed. You did awesome! I'm really proud of you." Jason jerked his head to the boys behind him. "Not only that, you provided something for the boys here to bond over and get their mind off of things today. Good training exercise all round."
The tone and body language of Jason wasn't teasing enough for it to translate well at the end and something shifted in Jess the second he said that.
"Don't." Jess said, her voice suddenly razor sharp and her jaw clenched. "Don't manipulate me like that. I don't care if you take the car keys, I don't care if you wanna 'ground' me and give me a hard time for doing something dumb, or send 'babysitters' places with me to make you feel better for whatever the hell it is that you need to feel better about, but don't you dare manipulate me like that again. I'm not your subordinate and I don't need you acting like some military version of my mother with this little tough love 'character building' game."
The room went quiet.
Realizing too late how badly his intentions came across, Jason swore and started to pace in front of the fence. After a few lengths he pointed at her, stressing his next words sharply, and said,"I did not mean it like that."
"Good," Jess answered, angry tears nearly spilling over now. "Glad we understand each other."
She grabbed Charlie's mane and kicked off the ground, swinging up without an aid and gathering the reins.
Giving Jason one last glare of betrayal, Jess said brokenly, "I can't believe you."
And with that she spun Charlie and kicked him into a fast canter, blazing past Pauline out of the ring and thundering down the side lane between paddocks towards fields at the back of the large property. Joey snorted and Pauline let him take off after her.
They could see Jess and Charlie picking up speed while Joey full out sprinted his long legs to catch up. Each silently prayed the young horses didn't start bucking at that speed.
"Well that was one hell of a cluster fuck." Sonny stated blandly.
"I'm with Sonny on this one, Jase." Trent said quietly, lips in a firm line. "That was not cool, and you owe her a fuckin appology."
"Yeah." Brock chimed in coldly.
"You can pull that kind of shit on us, hell, we even expect it! But seriously, Jason. Jess didn't choose a military life for a reason. Pushing harder won't get you the results you want. Not like it does with us." Ray said, giving Jason the worst 'you are so screwed' stare with his arms crossed in the universal 'I am done with this shit' stance. "
"Ok! I get it!" Jason snapped. "I fucked up!"
"Brother? You sure as hell better make it right." Ray answered coldly.
"I've just been compared to her fuckin mother, Ray. Don't think there is any 'making it right' that's gonna happen any time soon!" Jason said angrily.
"You'll do it today." Metal growled. "Before she ever leaves this barn."
"Don't think she wants to talk to me right now, Metal." Jason growled back, pacing like a caged animal and throwing worried looks over his shoulder at the distant horses still flying across the field.
"Then you talk." Metal answered sharply, deathglare intensifying. "You tell her your fuckin sorry and you explain yourself, or this whole thing is gonna come back and bite us all in the ass."
"Metal's right," Ray said shortly. "You make it right, brother, or it'll fester."
"You're a real son of a bitch if you don't." Sonny said, still squinting after Jess. "No one manipulates my little ocean-fearing buddy like that."
"I didn't manipulate her!" Jason retorted. "I pushed her. There's a difference."
"It's the same fucking thing!" Clay exclaimed with explosive frustration. "I knew it from the start and should have said something! Pushing her so she gets pissed off and digs her heels in, no matter the reason, is still shitty! You don't do things like that, least of all to someone like Jess! She's not a soldier! She's a survivor of emotional and mental abuse!"
"I KNOW!" Jason yelled as he stalked off.
The rest stayed silent until Metal muttered darkly, "He got what he wanted. Jess stood up to him, and we've all found common ground. Wonder if it was worth it."
When Jess got back to the barn it was a good two hours later. She and Pauline went out through the trails and Jess ranted about arguably more than she should have, but Pauline listened patiently for once and supported her feelings on the matter. By the end of the first hour she was able to verbalize what made her so upset about the whole thing, and by the second she was calming down.
When they got back, Jess didn't see any of Bravo, so she figured they left. Only after she gave Charlie a good brushing and rub down did the last of the tension start to leave her shoulders. She let Charlie into his stall and gave him his food and water, kissing his nose affectionately.
Not eager to go home, Jess figured she would stay at the barn as long as possible. Again. Scott knew where she was. It was fine.
"Hey," Jess stepped out into the aisle and closed up the stall. "I'll give you a hand with the rest of the chores, just give me a minute. I need to grab my water from the car."
"Yeah! No worries!" Paulie called, rolling the wheelbarrow down the aisle towards the back door to dump it.
The afternoon was cool, so Jess made a mental note to grab her sweater from the car too, but her steps stopped when she saw Jason's truck was still there, parked next to her's. He was leaning against the tailgate, watching her approach.
Part of her considered turning around and walking away.
"If you want space, I get it." Jason called when she stayed still too long, staring at him. "I fucked up."
"Yeah. You sure did," She heard herself answer. Her feet started moving, stalking to the car and pulling the door open a little violently.
"Jess…would you please let me explain?" Jason asked.
Leaning into her car, Jess grabbed the water and her sweater, then slammed the door again.
"Explain what?" She snapped. "That you decided I'm too weak so you have to toughen me up by bullying me? News flash. I've had enough of that in my life, thanks."
"That's not what I meant by the whole thing!"
"Ok, then what the hell was it?!" Jess cried, motioning widely with her arms, each fist clenched tightly around the bottle and sweater. "Because that was shitty! I didn't know what to do! I figured that I'd screwed up really badly to make you act like that and then-then it got in my head that what if I just have that effect on people?! What if this is just what every 'parent relationship' I ever have is going to look like. Controlling, overbearing and claws just- right-there- in my skin, never trusting me to make a good fucking decsion in my life!"
Jess was gasping for air now and aware her voice was loud.
"That's not- NO!" Jason pushed off the tailgate, pacing again and rubbing his face. "I screwed up, Jess. I wasn't…I mean, I meant to push you. I was just gonna tease you about being grounded and then leave it alone, call the whole thing off and send you on your way, but then- then you got that beautiful spark of defiance and…and I wanted to see it grow, so I pushed back to see how much you would take from me. I was…alright, yeah. I was trying to make you stronger, to teach you how to stand up for yourself, and I was wrong to do it."
"That wasn't defiance or strength I was showing, Jason! That was desperation! A survival skill!" Jess heaved a shuddering breath and put her water on the ground so she could pull on the sweater saying, "Riding is the only place I have ever been safe from my mother and Harold. They're scared of horses and hate the barn, but they liked the prestige that came with me doing it. It gave them status, being able to afford a horse for their daughter. It's the only thing I have ever fought tooth and nail for. I needed to ride today. I needed to get out because like it or not Bravo's stuff was taking me places I didn't want to go."
"I know…I know, I'm sorry!" Jason was edging closer as he paced, dark expression drawn with unhidden regret and worry. "I took things way too far, I didn't consider how it would come across and I didnt' think about how it would make you feel. I'm sorry. I really am! How do I fix this?"
Tears spilled over finally and Jess gestured helplessly, sobbing, "I don't know! I'm still really mad at you and I hate it! I hate being mad at people and I hate conflict so much ! I just…I just- I don't want to be mad and I am!"
"You're allowed to be mad!" Jason had stopped pacing now and crossed his arms, stepping closer yet again until he was almost a foot from her. "Jess…you have every right to be mad. It's ok. I screwed up really bad and I hurt you, betrayed your trust. That's worth being mad about!"
Shaking her head, Jess cried, "I don't like it! I-I-I can usually blame myself, and be mad at me instead a-and then that way I don't have to be mad at anyone else important in my life but-but I can't this time and I don't know what to do!"
"Hey!" Jason reached for her without thinking, gripping her shoulder firmly and cupping her cheek in his hand. "Don't you dare take the blame for this! This isn't on you at all! You are allowed to be angry!"
"But I love you and I don't want to be mad at you!" Jess whimpered, suddenly slamming into him and wrapping her arms around him while hiding her face against him. Jason wrapped his arms around her, closing his eyes with relief that he was allowed to still hug her even after the shit he'd pulled.
"Jess, honey, you can be angry and still love someone!"
"Anger and love don't fit together." Jess told him stubbornly with broken conviction.
"Do you think maybe the reason you think that is because you had to earn your parents love and affection and it was withheld when they were angry with you?"
Gulping down another explosion of sobs, Jess wept, "Probably!"
"Well, I'm not your mother, no matter how much I might have behaved like her today, and I know you love me, even if you're mad. You can stay mad as long as you like and take all the space you need…just…just please, let me fix this? I'm really not ready to lose a kid…and I mean that."
"Do you have any idea how h-hard it was to stand up to you?! How sick to my stomach it made me?" Jess asked, angry again. "Your approval means everything to me! All of Bravo's approval means so damn much! I thought I was losing it, or that you were turning into….into my mom and that's basically my worst nightmare right there…people I love turning into her!"
"I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jess."
"I don't even know where this goes from here." Jess whimpered. "I don't know what I want, or how I feel anymore."
"Why don't I give you some space until you figure it out." Jason suggested quietly, holding her tighter for a minute as if it were his last chance to.
"I hate this." Jess choked on another sob, but not releasing her arms yet either.
"Yeah. Me too." Jason murmured before pulling away and starting for his truck. "But I did it to myself."
He paused when he opened the door, looking over his shoulder at her. "I do love you. I'm not mad at you. You didn't do anything wrong. Let me know what you decide."
"Decide what?!" Jess stopped him with the panicked note in her voice.
"If you still want me in your life."
"W-what!? No! J-Jason!" Jess started for the truck, moving like she was afraid he was still going to get in it. He seemed on the startled side when she slammed into him again, hugging him tighter than before. She practically begged, "Please don't walk out of my life! I need you in my life!"
"Hey! Heyheyhey! No…Jess, you gotta calm down a minute here. I'm not going anywhere unless you tell me to!"
"Then I'm telling you to stay!" Jess sobbed.
"Ok. Then I stay part of your life." Jason rubbed her back as he held her close and sighed. "I'm still gonna give you some space though-"
"But-"
"Just for a few days. I think you might need it."
"You're the only good parent I've got." Jess whispered. "I don't want to be at odds. I don't want to be mad at you."
"But you are, and that's ok. Give yourself some space. It's ok, Jess. When you're ready, you call me, and I'll be there."
"Promise?"
"Yes." Jason kissed the crown of her head and nudged her away from him. "Now. I'm gonna go. You do what you need to."
"Are we ok?" Jess asked, voice wobbling violently as she shivered.
"I'm gonna go with not really, but we will be, and we're better than when we started this conversation, so take the win."
"Ok." Jess started to back away from the truck as Jason got in it, still crying a bit. "I'm sorry."
"Got nothing to be sorry for," Jason told her sternly.
"Yeah I do. I said you were being like my mother . That's the lowest insult I could have given."
"I deserved it, Jess. It's ok. Let's move on. Go do what you need to," Jason hesitated before closing the door. "Are you…are you staying out here long?"
A watery smile surfaced and Jess wiped at her eyes, eager to answer because unlike earlier today, the question was genuine and out of love.
"Not too much longer, probably. I'll text Scott before I head home."
"Ok. Thank you."
Jason closed the door of the truck and started the engine, waiting till she was back in the barn before pulling away and out the drive.
"Hey! You ok?" Pauline asked when Jess came back inside.
"Yeah. Just talked to Jason."
"Oh. Wanna talk about it?"
"No. I'm pretty much done with talking. What can I do to help?"
"Can you go up to the hay loft and throw me down eight bales?"
"Yup!"
Climbing the haymow, Jess's mind went blank as she flicked on the light at the top of the stairs and uncovered the spot in the floor where the bales got tossed through. She was exhausted, her body hurt, her legs hurt, and her head was throbbing along with the rumble of her stomach reminding her it was time to eat dinner.
Jess started grabbing bales, ignoring the way the shafts of hay made her knuckles bleed when they got stabbed. It wasn't until she tossed the first four down that she got the weirdest feeling she wasn't alone.
Casting a quick look around the far shadows of the space for cats, or raccoons or something like that, Jess went straight in the air when she found Scott perched high up on the bales behind her, hidden in the shadows.
"What the hell, Scott!" Jess all but yelped. "I thought you left!"
"Nah. My ride left without me. Waiting till you and Jase were done to come talk to you. Seemed like you needed space."
"Yeah…no kidding." Getting her breathing under control, Jess huffed with irritation as she tossed the fifth bale down for Pauline.
"You mad at me?" Scott asked as he climbed down, moving carefully and reminding Jess he was still on the mend.
"That's my line," Jess grumbled.
"I know. Are you?"
Reluctant to admit it, Jess mumbled, "A little."
"That's fair. Wanna hit me?"
Jess barked out a laugh and tried to glare at him. "Don't tempt me."
"Come on." Scott waved her over, somehow not making it seem like he was mocking her in any way. In fact he was serious. "Give your best shot."
"I can't punch you!"
"Sure you can."
Rolling her eyes, Jess said, "I'm not going to hit you! I don't even know how to punch properly!"
"We can fix that. Get over here."
Finding it nearly impossible to be mad at the man for not having her back earlier when dealing with Jason's bullshit, Jess accepted the gruff invitation and made her way over.
"Ok. First, fingers curled in like that. Yup. If you hold them like this? You'll break your thumb, so don't do that. When you punch, you want to use this part of your knuckles, not this and don't curl your wrists in like this, or like this. Nice and straight, kept them strong. Good. Now. Stance. This foot here, this one here, yeah! Nice and sturdy. Next, when you strike, you're going to shift your weight and throw with your hips, following through with your arm and fist, just like that. Perfect. Do it again." Scott stepped back from physically guiding her through the motion and Jess did as he asked, humoring him and feeling silly. "Ok. Faster. This time when you extend, I want you to snap your fist back again, keeping both right here to protect your face…good. Do it again. And again."
Circling around in front of her, Scott held up his hands, palms out. "Now punch my hand."
"But-"
"You aren't gonna hurt me. Punch my hand, aim for the palm."
"It's gonna suck."
"Yeah, with that attitude it sure is! Put some confidence behind it, or at very least some frustration."
Hesitating a moment longer, Jess thought about everything that went down that day and let it boil up inside her gut again. Then she struck.
"Good. Try again, this time don't hold your arm extended like that, bring it back the way I showed you, otherwise…punch again? Yeah, see," He reached out and firmly grabbed her wrist when she didn't pull it back so her fist was near her jaw again, tugging her off balance a little. "You're putting yourself in a bad spot. Strike, then back to stance."
"Ok."
"Again."
Forgetting that she was supposed to be helping Pauline finish chores, Jess got absorbed in learning the skill. Despite how tired and unbelievably sore her body was, she didn't want to stop. No one had taught her this properly before and it was oddly cathartic.
"Nice! Try that again, same power, same snap back…good!" Scott grinned. "Can't throw a punch my ass. You're doing awesome!"
She tried ten or twelve more times before the very last strike went wrong and her wrist crumpled just a little.
"Ow," Jess gasped, shaking her hand in the air.
"You're getting tired. Leave it for now."
"One more!"
"I won't stop you, but you shouldn't. You're already gonna feel it tomorrow and you already got beat up enough today."
Jess sighed and relented. "Fine."
"JESS!?" Pauline called up the stairs. "Are you alive up there?! I still need three more bales!"
"Oh shoot!" Jess reached for the last bales to toss them down. Scott snagged the last two before she could, lifting like they were nothing.
"Hey…should you be…doing…that?" Jess asked, uncertain if she should be or not.
"Using my arms, not my back."
Snorting Jess said sarcastically, "Well isn't that just convenient. I have to use my whole friggin body!"
"I ain't tiny like you and you're absolutely going to mess up your back if you keep lifting those bales like that."
"Back is already messed up." Jess grumbled as they headed for the stairs. "I've fallen off too many horses."
"Yeah, speaking of that, how are you feeling? You hit the wall pretty hard."
"Fine. Sore."
"No headache?"
"Nope."
"You tell me if you start getting lightheaded or dizzy, or get a sudden headache, you hear me?"
"Yup."
"Thank you." Hooking an arm around her shoulder, Scott guided her to the door, weirdly more affectionate than he typically was. "I should have stopped him."
"What?"
"I knew what he was doing. Should have stopped him. Should have gotten involved."
Sighing, Jess stopped short before they could reach the stairs. "It's ok. I'm fine and I don't blame you. Whether you knew about it or not, Jason still made the decision to act like that."
"That's true, but I shouldn't have let him. I'm sorry."
"Maybe. It's ok. I'm…alright. Not great, but ok."
"Those other knuckleheads are back to normal, by the way. They've all agreed to deal with whatever interpersonal drama they need to and put it to rest before coming back and seeing you as a group again. They don't want to trigger you again."
"Oh my gosh…no…they don't have to do that!"
"Yeah, they do, Jess. It's not just for you, it's for the team. You just happen to be a very motivating catalyst for change."
Starting down the stairs, Jess told him unhappily, "Change is hard."
"Yeah, but it's for the better."
"Jess! Can you start on water- Oh! Hi! You're still here!" Pauline did a double take at Scott, but ultimately didn't seem upset about it. "That's convenient! Jess, can you do water?"
"Yup."
"Just use the hose, it'll reach to all the buckets except Zeus and Holly. You'll have to pour theirs…just…Holly likes to knock the bucket when you carry it, so don't get wet."
"I got it!" Jess assured her and Pauline took off again to the feed room.
Glancing at Scott, Jess said shyly, "Thank you for staying behind. It…I wasn't expecting it, and I didn't know I needed it, but I did, so thank you."
"You're welcome, kid. Let's get this done. I need a shower and you need to eat."
Agreeing, Jess started dragging the hose from stall to stall. Not long after, Pauline enlisted Scott to start delivering feed to horses and Jess had to admit being there with two of her favorite people, with the simple tasks of looking after animals, made the day not as terrible.