Chapter 73
It took a full week for Emma to recover enough to stop sleeping all day and have the strength to put her thoughts into words. Regina camped by her bed almost all the time, and Henry also came by daily to check on his mothers, while Zelena made sure he had something to eat when he got home from school.
Regina was feeding Emma some soup when there was a knock at the door and Dr. Heart entered the hospital room.
"Hello, ladies," she greeted them both and gave them a smile. "Glad to see you've regained some of your appetite."
Emma smiled wearily for a moment and then involuntarily intertwined her fingers with Regina's. So far she had been spared conversations for which her doctor came specially to her bedside, but now that she was starting to feel a little better, she was already afraid that soon it would be back to planning therapies and making decisions she was not up to. "I suppose it's about what to do next?!" she speculated quietly, keeping eye contact with Heart.
The latter nodded. "Indeed. I'm happy to tell you both that your kidney values have improved significantly on dialysis. Your other blood counts have also recovered, so we shouldn't waste any more time. First, we should think about the surgery where you will get your permanent shunt for dialysis."
"Hmm," was all Emma could manage, staring at her bedspread. She didn't want to think about the fact that her kidneys were terminally affected and only a donation could get her back off the blood washing she needed to survive.
Regardless of Emma's reaction, Heart continued. "I'd like to give you a few more days for your body to recover. That means we'll probably schedule the surgery for Monday. You'll still get details from the surgeon and anesthesiologist until that time comes."
"Is the surgery dangerous?" Regina wanted to know, squeezing Emma's fingers a little tighter.
"Every surgery has risks, and Emma's general condition is not the best, but this is a routine procedure."
Emma hadn't expected any other answer. What else could she tell them? That everything was going to be fine? "What about everything else? Chemo, radiation..." she then wanted to know. She dreaded the answer. While she didn't regret changing her mind, the fear of the debilitating therapies was immense.
The doctor sighed and ran her hand through her dark hair. "We will first need to do new, comprehensive tests to know exactly how far the cancer has progressed in the last few weeks. However, I can tell you right now that it will come down to mild chemo. Whether radiation is necessary, I can't tell you without recent CT scans."
Regina's eyes narrowed suspiciously to slits as she listened to the doctor's words. "Did you say mild chemo? What happened to: we're firing all batteries and hope for the best?"
Emma, who had had the exact same thought, looked tensely from her girlfriend to Heart.
"That was before the recurrence and kidney failure," she replied cautiously. "Chemo will keep the cancer at bay for now, but it won't cure you. Only a stem cell donation can do that, and unfortunately, despite a very high participation rate in the typing campaign, we haven't found a match. The only potential donor is Henry and unfortunately he only matches you in five out of ten characteristics, which would put you at significant risk."
Nodding, Emma looked away from her. "That means, technically, I'm already as good as dead."
"There's still a chance to find another donor, and the chemo will buy you time," Heart assured her.
"Where would this other donor come from?" Regina asked, who couldn't quite keep her voice from trembling. "This is Storybrooke. It's not like we can just go and help ourselves to the stem cell register of the United States. Officially, we don't even exist here!"
"We can make another appeal and hope that maybe residents who haven't before will participate," Heart indicated. She was silent for a moment before adding more quietly, "And if we've exhausted all options, there's still the option for Emma to leave Storybrooke and seek help outside. As the Savior, she can do that."
"No," Emma responded determined immediately, however, before Regina could even get a word out. "I'm at home here, I'm not leaving," she said firmly and with a finality that brooked no argument.
Still, Regina tried, "It would only be for the time of treatment, and when you're better, you'll come back."
Vehemently, Emma shook her head. "I don't want new, strange doctors who know everything better, and I don't want to be separated from my family. There's still a chance I could die, and I don't want to do that in some remote hospital. And before you suggest coming along: Henry needs to go to school and we're not going to leave him here. And my parents can't easily leave Storybrooke. I'd rather choose the slim chance of getting better here than leave. I'm sorry."
"No, I understand," Regina said quietly, stroking her forearm. Surprising to herself, she actually did. It was probably the fact that Emma was giving herself another chance and no longer refused any treatment on principle that made her bear this concession.
"Henry... How dangerous would it be to take a donation from him?" Emma wanted to know.
"As I said, his HLA characteristics are just about a 50 percent match to yours. It's better than nothing, but since the likelihood of a rejection is extremely high in the process, I would only consider him as a last resort," the doctor answered her honestly.
Sighing, Emma let her head sink back deeper into her pillow.
"I know that's not what you'd like to hear. But it was still the right decision to start the therapies again. Sometimes cancer suddenly responds again to a treatment you'd already ruled out, so it's never wrong to hope."
"When can I go home?" Emma asked in response. She didn't miss the way Heart's gaze flickered briefly to Regina and her jaw twitched. "What?"
Taking a deep breath, the doctor plucked up her courage. "Emma... In your current condition, it would be irresponsible to let you go home."
"I get it, I'm not stupid. I didn't assume I'd be having surgery in our living room," she countered, rolling her eyes. "I'm talking about afterward."
"So am I," Heart nodded apologetically. "Your body is weakened and the chemo will do its part. Also, hopefully a suitable donor will be found soon, and then you'll have to be prepared for the transplant for a few days. I'm really sorry."
Emma's expression became hard; if she had allowed her true feelings, she would have burst into tears here and now. "Did you know about this?" she angrily demanded to know from Regina.
"We... talked about it when you were in the process of recovering," she admitted quietly, reaching out to touch Emma's cheek, but she flinched from her touch. With her brow furrowed deeply, Regina eyed her girlfriend.
"I know that was a lot to take in all at once, and I'm sure there will be more questions as we go along. But until then, I'll leave you two alone to talk about it, all right?" Heart stated calmly, rising.
Emma just stared blankly into space, while Regina nodded and thanked the oncologist.
"Emma," Regina said quietly, barely making sure they were alone. She sensed it would do no good to try to sugarcoat any of this for her. "I'm sorry," she therefore only added. Because of the rejection earlier, Regina hadn't expected Emma to lean forward into her arms in response and start sobbing unrestrainedly, but she was glad she showed her feelings and held her tightly in her arms. "I'm here. I'll always be there," she whispered soothingly, stroking her bony back.
"I don't want to stay here," Emma choked out after a while, clasping her arms around Regina's neck.
"I know," Regina nodded, turning her head slightly to the side so that their faces were only inches apart. Tears clung to Emma's few remaining lashes like shiny beads, and as Regina leaned further toward her and she closed her eyes, she kissed them away before her lips moved lower and pressed down on her mouth.
The salty taste of new tears mixed into the kiss and Emma could no longer even tell if they were hers or Regina's or if they had even mixed. She didn't care either, because all that mattered at that moment was the kiss and how Regina's lips parted slightly so that her tongue could meet hers gently and at the same time with a certain urgency.
It was Regina who broke the kiss after several minutes and took Emma's face in her hands instead. Her dark, sad eyes scrutinized every square inch of her features and finally returned to her eyes. "I love you, Emma Swan."
Emma managed a brief smile and sank back into her bed. As much as she hated it, she had no strength left to sit upright. "I love you, too." It felt wrong, so wrong to say the words as it only brought her girlfriend sorrow and pain, but she couldn't hold back the words as they were exactly what she felt and what her heart whispered to her with every beat.
Regina slid into bed beside her and propped her head on her bent arm so she could continue to eye her. "Do you want to talk about it? What Heart said, I mean."
Sighing, Emma closed her eyes for a moment before looking at Regina again. "I don't even know where to start," she confessed, biting her lip. "I know that all I should be worrying about is whether I can tolerate the chemo and whether a donor will be found and I'll survive the whole thing. But if I'm honest, all my thoughts revolve around dialysis all the time. Even if I somehow miraculously get rid of the leukemia, the dialysis will stay. I will have to go to treatments all the time. It will feel like I'm still just a seriously ill patient whose life stopped the moment she got her diagnosis. And the shunt... It's going to give me a huge, ugly scar all over my arm."
"I have an ugly scar right in the middle of my face," Regina reminded her with a slight lift of the corners of her mouth.
"Your scar is not ugly," Emma immediately replied, gently stroking her thumb over the thin line that split Regina's upper lip.
At the touch, Regina closed her eyes and nodded slowly. "Yours won't be either. Not for me."
Sighing, Emma snuggled into Regina's arms again. She was exhausted and the chaos of emotions inside her was churning. "I never want to be anywhere else but in your arms," she confessed to her girlfriend, enjoying the way Regina's fingertips stroked up and down her spine.
"Good, then we agree," the brunette nodded and continued with her caresses.
"And at least there's one good thing about dialysis. Now I have to avoid fresh fruits and vegetables," Emma grinned tiredly to herself.
She received only a short laugh from Regina in response before she continued to caress her until Emma fell asleep.
Regina still didn't know how she could have been persuaded not to wait for her in her hospital room during Emma's surgery a few days later, but to go to the diner for lunch with her sister and niece instead. Listlessly, she pushed the lettuce leaves on her plate from side to side with her fork.
"My goodness, Regina! I don't remember the last time I saw you eat properly!" Zelena roared, who had already finished her cheese omelet.
Robin sat on her lap and used her fingers to shove the slices of her apple pancake that Zelena had cut into small pieces into her mouth. Fortunately, she was still too little to understand the adult's worries.
"I'm trying, okay?!" Regina snapped back, massaging the root of her nose with her eyes closed. "I feel sick."
Zelena sighed and reached across the table for her hand. "It's just a minor procedure, she's not even getting a general anesthetic. Don't worry so much about it. Emma's tough, she's been through worse." She was aware that her words wouldn't take away Regina's worry, but she could hardly stand the way her sister seemed to be getting thinner and thinner. "Do you actually still go to Hopper's regularly?"
"Define 'regularly,'" she muttered, withdrawing her hand. She had a hard time dealing with physical contact in moments when she was upset.
"I don't know... Do you even go to him anymore?" she elaborated on her question, shrugging her shoulders.
Regina took a quick look around to see if they were being overheard, but there was hardly anyone in the diner on a weekday, and if there was, they were just picking up their order to take with them for the road. "When I can make it, once a week."
"So sometimes less often," Zelena finished the thought. "What does he say? How's your mental health?"
"That's confidential," Regina returned through gritted teeth, biting the inside of her cheek to steady herself. She had to remind herself that Zelena only cared, but at that moment she felt her questioning was a challenge. In addition, her report would have been anything but positive. In fact, Archie had even wanted to increase the dosage of her medication when she had last been with him. That had thrown her off so much that she hadn't gone to see him at all for two weeks. Then she'd practically moved in with Emma at the hospital and missed seeing him for another week.
Zelena rolled her eyes and wiped Robin's greasy fingers clean with a napkin as she finished her meal. "I thought you'd gotten over that phase. I'm not your enemy," she reminded her. "Maybe it's time to move back in with you so I can keep an eye on you."
"I don't need a babysitter, I'm fine," she returned sharply.
Shrugging her shoulders, Zelena looked at her. "Then prove it and finish your meal."
"How old are we? Five?" Regina snorted, demonstratively slowly letting a forkful of the salad disappear into her mouth without breaking eye contact with Zelena. She then reached for her own napkin and dabbed her mouth.
"The plate is not empty," Zelena noted with a raised eyebrow.
"And you wouldn't believe how less I care," Regina countered, putting money for all three meals on the table and rising. "The surgery will take two hours at most, more likely one. I'm not going to have a sit-down meal contest with you here and leave Emma alone for this."
"Regina, come on... This is not meant to be childish behavior. You have to eat!" Zelena shouted after her, when Regina had already reached the door.
"I've been having to do a lot of things lately," she just nodded and left the diner. Most of all, she just had to see Emma, she thought to herself. As she walked a few steps, she enjoyed the mild spring air rushing into her lungs. The exercise did her noticeably good, but since she couldn't possibly walk the entire way to the hospital, she poofed the last bit and materialized just outside the main entrance, causing a male nurse to jump aside in fright, pushing a woman with an amputated leg in a wheelchair. "Excuse me," she muttered before hurrying into the building.
When her room door was pushed open, Emma's head snapped around to the door, a little startled. She quickly calmed down, however, when she realized it was Regina who had walked in. "Hi," she grinned exhaustedly.
"Hi," Regina replied a little breathlessly, having run so fast. "I wanted to be there when you were brought back," she stated in an apologetic tone before she stepped up to her bedside, leaned over her and pressed a kiss to her lips. "How are you feeling?" she then wanted to know once she was seated.
"You don't have to be here 24/7," Emma reminded her for what felt like the hundredth time, squeezing her hand before her gaze slid to her left arm, which rested elevated and thickly bandaged beside her. She shrugged and then looked back at her girlfriend. "Been through worse," she returned truthfully.
"Is it normal for your hand to be so swollen?" Regina asked afterwards, who had also followed her gaze.
"Yes, it is. It will take a while before the swelling of the arm goes down," Emma replied reassuringly.
"Are you in pain?"
Emma shook her head and gently stroked through her dark strands of hair. "Let's talk about something else. Did you have lunch with Zelena?"
Nodding, Regina nestled her head further into Emma's palm. "At Granny's," she explained.
"Garden salad?", Emma wanted to know with a grin.
"Of course." Regina smiled briefly, too, but then closed her eyes and focused on Emma's gentle fingertips and the sound of her breaths.
Emma then fell silent for a while, studying Regina's face. "You're not sleeping well." It wasn't a question.
Slowly, Regina opened her eyes again and met Emma's gaze. "I've got a lot on my mind."
"That was the case a couple of weeks ago, too," she mused. "What does Archie say about it?"
Regina fell silent and lowered her gaze.
"Regina?" Emma eyed her urgently before lifting her head slightly from the pillow and staring at her piercingly. "You're still seeing him, aren't you?"
"Why is everyone asking me that today?" Regina moaned.
"Maybe because everyone notices that you don't look good at all," Emma suggested.
"Thank you."
"You know what I mean."
Sighing, Regina drew one knee to her chest and rested her chin on it. "You almost died. If you hadn't changed your mind, I'd be sitting in front of a mound of dirt right now instead of at your bedside," she whispered. "I thought I was losing you, this time for good, and that feeling was so awful I can't even describe it. I'm afraid to sleep because I'm afraid you won't be there when I wake up again."
"I'll be there," Emma replied quietly. "I'm so sorry for what I put you through. I really thought I made the right decision."
"You don't have to apologize. It was the decision you thought was right at that moment, how could I blame you for that?" Regina asked. "It's me who keeps overreacting."
"If that's how you feel, then you really should talk to Archie about it. He can help you, you'll see," she encouraged her.
Immediately Regina shook her head. "I don't have time to meet with Archie."
Emma's brow furrowed in wonder. "What do you have to do?"
"I... I don't want you to stay here alone," she countered.
"Regina, I'm a big girl. I'm perfectly capable of staying alone for a few hours," Emma smiled softly. She was touched by how caring Regina was toward her while making others tremble with her gaze alone.
"I know that, it's just..." She didn't finish the sentence because it was ridiculous. If Emma suddenly got worse, nurses and doctors would come and take care of her. As long as she was in the hospital, she was under better observation than anywhere else. She didn't need her to keep an eye on her. Still, she felt uncomfortable as soon as she was away from her for more than an hour.
"It's just what?", Emma persisted.
"Nothing," Regina responded with a shake of her head. "I'll call Archie later when you're asleep," she decided. Her hope was that he could give her some advice right over the phone and she wouldn't have to leave the clinic at all.
"Do it right away, please," Emma said in response, however.
Again, Regina sighed deeply. "I don't want to talk to him," she admitted. She wished nothing more than to be able to deal with the situation as normally as anyone else. According to Archie, however, she was unable to do so because her extremely intense fear of loss, if left untreated, would drive her repeatedly into panic attacks and insomnia.
"I don't want to talk to the shrink either, but yet they keep sending him to me," Emma countered. Dr. Heart had told her that Zelena had mentioned suicidal thoughts, and now she had to endure the almost daily conversations that tired her endlessly. It was exhausting to have to justify herself over and over again for something that had not happened at all. At first, she had cursed Zelena for not keeping her mouth shut, but by now she understood why she had done it and her anger had faded. "I want you to feel better, and you will after you talk to Archie."
"All right," Regina finally relented, made sure her cell phone was in her purse, and left the hospital room. It took her a while to find an empty waiting area with a door and she closed it behind her. While the dial tone sounded, she slumped down in one of the chairs and stared ahead. After the third ring, Archie answered and she described the sleeping disorders that had increased again to him. As she had already feared, he immediately suggested that she come over in two hours. Since discussion was futile, Regina agreed after a moment's hesitation and ended the phone call. "I have an appointment in two hours. Happy now?" she wanted to know from Emma when she was back in her room.
"Absolutely," the latter nodded and gave her a smile. "Then we still have a whole two hours to cuddle," she then stated and pulled Regina next to her. As soon as her girlfriend was lying down, she leaned her head against her chest and closed her eyes as Regina's arm naturally wrapped protectively around her.