Chapter 6

I am nervous at the prospect of going out for a ride with Edward. There is a lot of pressure I am putting on myself to make sure it all goes well, even though I do not know why it feels important that it does.

Angela helps me dress in the morning, and after breakfast, I meet Edward at the stables.

There is a large stallion I have never seen before secured a few stalls down from my mare. I stare at him, wondering if he is Edward's horse. He is massive, with a glossy dark brown coat and a shiny black mane.

I move to my mare's stall, reaching in to pet her soft velvet nose.

"Hello, my Sweet," I say, brushing my hand gently over her snout. "Are you ready to go for a ride today?"

She whinnies softly, her nose bumping against my hand.

Sweetblue is a beautiful grey dapple mare that was a wedding gift from Rosalie. Sweetblue has been with me since moving to Rowanberry and has remained as kind and patient with me as she was the day I first met her.

"Good morning."

I look up from Sweetblue, offering Edward a small, shy smile.

"Good morning," I murmur back to him. He is dressed casually in riding clothes: dark breeches, a simple white tunic, and tall boots.

Somehow he is more handsome like this than when he donned his uniform.

Well… perhaps not more…

I swallow and turn my attention to Sweetblue to focus my thoughts.

"What is the stable boy called?" Edward asks me.

I glance at him, licking my lips. "Seth."

He nods and I watch him stride out, looking for him.

When he is gone, I let out a long breath. I do not know why I should feel so guilty for admiring my husband's beauty, but something about my thoughts is making my skin flush too warm.

Edward returns, and with him is young Seth.

"Lemme take care 'a her, mistress," Seth says, rushing to my side. "Your normal saddle?" he asks, glancing at me.

"Yes, thank you, Seth."

He smiles and gently guides Sweetblue out of her stall. My eyes meet Edward's as Seth starts to work, and I am grateful it is dim in the stables for I flush when his emerald eyes land on me.

The air around us suddenly feels too thick, and I duck my head, walking outside to wait for Seth.

In the garden, the flowing breeze is bright and sweet, and I suck it in greedily.

I half expect Edward to follow me, but he does not.

I am left outside alone for a few minutes before Edward and Seth emerge with the horses.

"Mistress," Seth says, motioning toward me. I make my way to Sweetblue's side, and stepping up on the box Seth provides, I situate myself on her back.

Edward's mount is much larger, and it is all the more evident when he sits several feet above me. Though it is not dignified, nor truly acceptable, I have elected to ride as a man, my legs stradling either side of Sweetblue. It is the most comfortable position, and in the five years I have been left mostly alone, it has become a favorite of mine.

Edward's eyebrows lift in surprise when he sees me situate on my horse, but he does not say anything.

"Are you ready?" he asks, gathering his horse's bridle.

"Yes," I tell him, nodding once. He motions his head, lightly kicking his horse into action. I urge Sweetblue to follow him.

Edward leads us to a trail behind the stables, but once we are in the woods, he slows his horse, motioning for me to take the lead. It is a surprising gesture, even though I, and not he, know these trails. I would have expected that it would not matter to him, and he would insist on being in charge.

He has once again surprised me.

"Do you ride often?" he asks as our horses fall into a comfortable walk.

I look over at him. "As often as I can," I tell him. "Sweetblue likes to adventure, and I enjoy spending time with her."

Edward's eyes drop to my horse. "Sweetblue?"

I glance at him. "Yes," I say, then pause, considering whether I should explain myself. I meet his gaze and see that he is open and earnest in his curiosity. "It is from a poem my mother used to tell Rosalie. After my mother died, Rosalie used to sing it to me."

"How old were you when your mother died?"

I look at Edward in surprise.

"She fell ill shortly after I was born. Fever took her when I was less than six months old."

He is quiet for a long moment, and I look at him. "What about your family?"

I watch him as he takes in my question, his shoulders tensing for a moment before he dips his head in a nod.

"I am one of nine children," he says, shocking me. "My parents, to my knowledge, are both alive, and likely still live in the village where I grew up."

I stare at him. "Do you not know their whereabouts?"

He glances at me. "I have not seen my family in ten years, since I was fourteen."

Ten years. How can he have gone ten whole years since seeing his family? I think of Rosalie, who only left yesterday morning, but whom I already miss terribly.

"Where did you grow up?" I ask.

He looks at me before turning his head back to the trail. "It is a small village, about two days' ride from here in a carriage."

"What does your father do?"

"He is a ferrier and my mother works out of their home, selling pies and cakes to the village."

"Have…" I pause, unsure if it is my place to suggest anything. Edward looks at me, nodding his head encouragingly and I take a breath. "Have you considered moving them here? On your land?"

Edward stares at me. "I did not think it an offer I should make alone."

I look down at my horse's mane, trying to process what it is he is saying. Does he mean he wants the duke's permission, or mine?

"Tell me about your siblings?" I request, glancing up at him.

Edward nods. "My brother Marcus is the eldest, three years my senior. Then Caius who is a year older than me. After myself is Michael who is just under a year younger than me. Next is Benjamin, and then my first sister, Alice. Liam is fifteen, and the twins Jane and Alec should be about ten now."

"Have you spoken to any of them since you left home?"

Edward glances at me. "Michael is in service to the duke, though he is in a different company than my own. On occasion, I crossed paths with him from a distance, but we have not had the chance to properly speak in about six years now."

My heart squeezes. "I am sorry," I murmur. He does not look at me, nor respond, but I see his throat bob as he swallows whatever feelings he might have over the matter.

We ride on in silence, and I turn my attention to the woods around us. Above us, birds flit through the trees, calling out with their sweet songs. I can hear a squirrel chattering away to himself as he races from branch to branch.

"It is very peaceful here."

I look at Edward, who appears about as relaxed as I have ever seen him.

"It is," I agree. "It is a wonderful place to find solace."

I feel Edward's gaze on me, and when I turn to take him in, he offers me a small, quiet smile. We both turn back to the trail.

The path we are on leads to a lake that connects us to the duke's estate. The corner of the lake that sits on our land is secluded, almost like a cove, and sheltered by large weeping willows.

The trail takes a turn, and then we are coming upon the shore, and I hear Edward let out a soft breath. I look up at him, curious to watch him as he gazes out at the gentle and beautiful landscape.

"I come here sometimes," I tell him quietly. "To find peace."

He nods, his throat bobbing as he swallows. "It seems a fine place to come."

I look back out at the water, where a pair of swans are gracefully gliding together over the still surface.

I hear a jingle and look to see Edward dismounting his horse. He looks up at me, offering me his hand as he approaches Sweetblue. I secure the bridle before accepting his assistance and dismounting from my horse.

His large hands are around my waist, and he holds me to him, his fingers flexing over the fabric of my dress. His brilliant green eyes are glowing jade in the summer sun, and for a moment, I am breathless looking into them.

Then his hold shifts, and he steps away from me, letting me go. We both take in deep breaths as if to steady ourselves.

"Shall we visit the water's edge?"

I look up at him to see him offering me his arm. I nod, hooking my arm through his to let him help me across the uneven ground.

We move toward the pebbled banks of the lake, and I stop walking to bend and pick up a smooth jade-colored stone.

"I love to look at rocks," I confess when I feel Edward's eyes on me. "I like to picture where they might have come from, what life they have lived previous to this one." I gaze at the stone in my palm. It is smoothed, though the edges are uneven. Still, it glitters with the water from the lake and the sun above. "What sort of hardship must have happened to break this rock into what it is now," I murmur, flipping it over. There is a dark streak through the other side, and I wonder how it has gotten to be embedded in the rock. "Countless centuries, battered and broken down, but it is still beautiful."

I look up at Edward then, to see his gaze on my face. There is something soft and sad in his eyes. It makes me want to weep.

Instead, I turn back to my palm, gently letting the pebble slip through my fingers to rejoin its home on the shore. I am feeling surprisingly vulnerable, and I want to squirm under Edward's heavy gaze I can still feel on me.

Blessedly, he turns away, and I take a deep breath.

We stride on until we come to a felled log by the water's edge. It is relatively fresh, in that it is not rotting, and Edward helps me take a seat. When I am secure, he settles near me, close, but not too close.

"Will you call on your family, now that you are back?"

Edward turns his head to look at me as I ask, and I see his eyebrows dip slightly.

"It is my intention," he confirms quietly.

I do not know if it is out of order for me to ask to join him. Would he want me there? I think I would not mind meeting his family, but after ten years separated, perhaps he wants to savor them alone.

Instead of bringing any of this up, I sit in silence as we gaze out over the water.

Will there ever come a time when I am comfortable around the man I call husband?

…

"Your skin has recovered from yesterday."

I gaze up at Edward. We are sitting on a blanket laid out by the water. Edward has put out a spread of food for us to nibble at while we take in the serenity of the lake.

"Your tomato advice was sound," I agree. "I have never heard of such a tactic."

Edward smiles, sliding a small cherry tomato into his mouth. "It has been very useful to me, over the years," he says after chewing.

"Did you learn it while you were at war?"

I watch his body stiffen when I mention his time away, and immediately I feel guilty about bringing it up.

"I did," he says, and his voice is cold, detached, as he speaks.

I turn my head toward the water, wanting to give him privacy to process whatever feelings I have just insensitively stirred up in him.

"I could have used that trick when I first came to Rowanberry," I say after a moment. "I had never been allowed to sit in the sun before. When I got here, I spent nearly the first month outside in the gardens. My skin was blistered and abused. Rosalie feared I would freckle." I stop, chuckling quietly to myself, remembering my sister's lectures as she bathed me in cream to soothe the burns.

I had been too obsessed with my newfound freedom to go where I wanted, do what I pleased, to be concerned about something as simple as freckles.

"What was it like, growing up for you?"

I look at Edward in surprise, then I immediately feel the cold agony of my childhood sweep upon me. My body shifts, curling instinctively to block out the pain.

"Lonely," I say after a moment. "I had Rosalie, but for most of our childhood, she was kept busy, preparing to be the wife of an important man one day." My knees are pressed to my chest, and I wrap my arms around them. "I was instructed to keep out of the way, mostly."

My fingers curl as the memory of the sting of my grandmother's cane briefly burns them.

"Was it your father raising you alone?"

I do not look at Edward as I shake my head. "No. After my mother died, my grandmother moved in with us, to mind us I suppose." My fingers pluck at a long blade of grass growing between stones. I tug, but it is surprisingly steadfast.

"I remember your grandmother."

At this, I do glance up at Edward. He has a dark look on his face, and my cheeks burn in embarrassment. Memories of our wedding night slip into my mind. Grandmother watching as we…

Tears bloom in my eyes and I turn to press my face into my knees to stop the shame and humiliation of that night.

"Has she been here, whilst I was away?"

I drag my face up from my knees to look at Edward and shake my head.

"No, not once."

He lets out a breath and leans back against the stump.

"Good, at least someone has managed to do as I bade."

I frown, straightening up. "What do you mean?"

His green eyes cut to me, and for a moment he looks a little embarrassed.

"I sent word to the duke after I left." He shifts on the blanket, his eyes returning to the lake. "He told me of his plans to set you up at Rowanberry. I implored him to not permit your grandmother to set foot on the land. As master of this estate, he agreed to my plans."

He is the reason Grandmother has stayed away? The reason I have, over the last four years, learned how to breathe without flinching?

My stomach twists at the thought, and I turn from him to gaze out over the water.

Even from the front lines of war, Edward was thinking about me. How else has he been taking care of me without my knowledge?

"I am sorry," he says after a moment. I look at him. "I did not know if I would be overstepping by banning your grandmother. I was so angry with her when we first met, I knew I could not let you be subject to her whilst I was away."

He is not looking at me as he stumbles to explain himself. I can see him getting worked up, and on instinct, I reach out to him, stilling his words. He looks up at me in surprise.

"Thank you," I whisper, and I see the tension slip off of his shoulders. "I have never known solace until I moved here. It is good to know that in large part I have you to thank for that."

Edward is quiet, but a small smile slips over his lips. I let him go and reach for a grape from the pile between us. It is sweet as it pops in my mouth.

The silence that settles over us next is content, very nearly comfortable.

"Do you swim?"

I look up at Edward in surprise.

"I can," I say slowly. "Though I was not given much opportunity as a child."

A playful smile comes over his mouth, and it makes him devastatingly handsome.

"It has been far too long since I have had leave to swim for leisure," he says, reaching up to his tunic and plucking at the stays around his neck. My eyes widen as he loosens the shirt before pulling it over his head. His chest is broad, the muscles much more defined than I remember, though now that I think about it, I have never seen his chest before.

There are scars littered across his shoulders, and one near his ribs that makes my heart lurch into my throat.

"Will you come swim with me?"

I blink and look at him, realizing he is speaking.

I lick my lips, torn between nervousness and a want to be so bold and carefree.

"Y-yes," I whisper, my voice shaking. Edward's smile nearly steals the sun's warmth, it is so bright.

He continues to undress, turning to his boots, and I take a moment to assess myself. I am dressed in only a handful of layers today, mostly because there was no one around to boss me into more.

I reach up and slowly undress.

By the time I am down to my shift, Edward is in nothing more than his breeches. He stands, offering me a hand. I look at his massive palm and slowly slide my own into his.

His fingers curl around my hand as he carefully guides me to standing.

Though we are still generally covered, my shift is thin and the cool breeze surrounding us makes me shudder in surprise.

"Come on," he says, that heart-wrenching smile pulling at his lips.

Together we approach the water's edge.

It is frigid when we step in, and I gasp in surprise. "Oh, it is cold!"

Edward lets loose a small laugh, and the sound warms me.

"I think the trick is to dive in," he tells me.

I gasp, looking up at him. But before I can protest, he is yanking me deeper into the lake before he falls beneath the surface. I am too unsteady on my feet and braced from the shock of the cold, so I fall beside him, fully submerging under the icy water.

When I emerge, I gasp, the cold water constricting around my lungs.

Edward resurfaces beside me, shouting.

"It is far colder than I realized," he pants. I cannot help my giggle, and he looks at me, grinning.

"I-it is f-f-freezing," I stutter.

He chuckles. "Perhaps if we move around?"

His long body stretches out, his arms moving above his head so that he is gliding away from me. I try to reach out my own arms, but they steadfastly refuse to leave the sides of my body. I am curled in the water, my body trying to retain any sort of heat it can.

Come on, body.

With great effort, I stretch out, whimpering when the cold meets under my arms and along my sides.

Moving around the water is fun, and for a moment it is enjoyable enough that I forget the icy temperature. But my body cannot take much, and soon my teeth are chattering together so hard I fear I will bite my tongue.

Edward floats toward me.

"Your lips are turning blue," he says, his eyes widening.

"I-I am c-cold," I confirm.

Before I can move, Edward swims toward me, his arms coming around me. He is chilled from the water as he clutches me to his chest, but I squeak in surprise nonetheless.

"Hold onto me," he instructs. One of my arms slips around his neck as his arms settle around my back and under my legs. He begins walking us toward shore.

The weighted feeling of being pulled from the water is even stronger as Edward continues to carry me onto the bank. When we have returned to our clothes, he sets me down on the log before setting aside the remains of our food and reaching for the blanket. Swiftly, he pulls it around my shoulders, tucking it under my chin.

"Sit in the sun," he says gently, motioning toward a sunny patch a few feet away.

I nod, clumsily getting to my feet. His arms come around me, and he guides me into the warmth. Once we are there, his arms still me whilst he begins rubbing my arms and back through the blanket.

"Perhaps swimming was better as an idea," he muses quietly.

I look up at him. Even though there is a blanket and our clothes between us, our bodies are pressed together. I can feel the solid strength of him, feel the hard-earned muscle as it surrounds me, and it makes me very nearly shudder.

Apart from his kiss when he first returned, and the unconscious clinging to me when he slept that first night, Edward has hardly touched me since our wedding night. I am so unaccustomed to touch of any kind, I am not sure what to do.

Even though Edward's touch is almost paternal as he tries to warm me, I am acutely aware that he is a man. The only man that has ever seen my most vulnerable places.

His attention makes me feel self-conscious and a little bit confused.

"Is it any better?"

My eyes meet his bright gaze, and I have to struggle to find my voice.

"I am okay," I whisper, my throat tight.

He does not immediately let go of me.

"Bella."

There is something about the way he says my name. Like it is a holy word that he only dares utter in reverence.

It makes me want to cry.

I cannot take how he is looking at me. Cannot let myself wonder if that is truly desire burning in his eyes, or if it is something darker, hungrier.

It frightens me how much I want to taste him on my lips once again.

Be bold. He is your husband, free to kiss. Take a chance.

Despite my heart's demands, I let fear overtake me, and I drop my gaze, stepping out of his embrace. His arms drop heavily to his sides as I move back from him.

"I s-should dress," I mutter, keeping my head down. I turn from him and return to our clothes. My shift is still soaked, but I pull my skirt and dress on anyway. It is awkward, and difficult to dress on my own, but I do not dare ask him for help.

When I am fully clothed, I glance back at Edward to see he is covered as well.

"We should return," I say quietly. He nods slowly.

Together, we pack up the remains of our food, storing them in the satchel Edward has brought. When we are done, Edward helps me find a mounting block so that I can climb up on Sweetblue's back.

When I am secure, Edward climbs up on his own mount and turns to me.

Without a word to each other, we leave the lakeside and head back into the forest toward Rowanberry.