Chapter 38

"And what if you had?" Dr. Lindstrom questions. "What if you fought him and he escalated? You may not be sitting here, now, Rafael."

The reality of Lindstrom's words hit him hard and he halts his pacing.

"You've told me how violent your father would become. Do not take your inaction as weakness; your brain decided in those moments that it was the safest possible option. You did everything right: you survived."

Liv's voice echo's in his words and he exhales, wiping his eyes. "….I should have said something….why didn't I say anything? Tell someone?"

"You were a child, Rafael. You didn't know then, what you know now. The little boy you were did the best he could; forgiving him, and yourself is not condoning what happened to you."

Rafael circles the chairs in his office, sitting. "…admitting that it wasn't my fault places the blame on my mother."

Dr. Lindstrom regards him patiently. "You feel strongly about placing the blame on her"

He nods. "She didn't stop him."

"You're sure that she was aware of the abuse?"

"How could she not know?" He questions angrily.

"You and I both know that predators are excellent at hiding their behaviour."

There were times, after his father had left his room, that he had curled in on himself, the sobs trapped in his throat, that he had thought for a fleeting minute that his mother knew. That she knew and didn't care, that maybe she felt the same way his father had. And the anger would bubble inside him and the tears would blur his vision and he would want to scream and yell. And as quickly as the thought had taken root in his mind, in his heart, he knew it to be untrue because it was his mother.

She loved him.

"You need to tell her, Rafael-"

He shakes his head. "-I can't-"

Dr. Lindstrom continues gently. "- Your own guilt and blame is intrinsically tied to what your mother did, or did not do; you cannot begin to heal until you know the truth."

. . . . . . . . . . . .

"Did you invite someone over?"

Noah looks up at her from the couch, shaking his head. "Nope."

Reaching for her phone on the coffee table, she brings up the app for Rafa's security camera. Her squad would have texted first and Rafa hadn't mentioned anyone stopping by before he left for his appointment. As the app loads, Lucia Barba's smiles into the camera, giving a little wave.

"Grandma!" Noah exclaims. "Can I open the door?"

"Sure."

Noah clambers off the couch beside her, skipping towards the entryway. He carefully turns the lock, opening the door. "Hi Grandma!"

Lucia scoops him into her arms, showering him with kisses. "Oh, nieto! It's so good to see you! I've missed you!"

Noah soaks up her affection, wrapping his arms around her neck, and she's conflicted. Every moment of happiness serves to counter all that Noah's been through and his smile right now is as bright and big as she's ever seen it. She also knows that Rafa's appointment should be finished soon and seeing his mother here will undoubtedly be a trigger for him.

She sends him a quick text.

Your Mom is here…I can ask her to leave if you need.

Lucia sets Noah down so that she can close the door behind them, flipping the lock. "How are you feeling, mija?"

"Happy to be home," she answers.

"What's in the bag, Grandma?" Noah questions, latching on to her hand.

Lucia smiles down at him. "Something for you!"

Noah's eyes brighten as he accepts the bag, pulling the Lego set from inside. "LEGO! How did you know I like Lego!"

"Grandma's know these things, nieto," Lucia laughs. "Something to keep you busy while your Mama rests."

"Thank you!…Want to help me build it?" He questions.

Lucia looks over at her for permission. Rafael has yet to text her back, and there's such excitement in her son's eyes that she goes against her better judgement, nodding.

"I'd love too!" Lucia answers.

Noah heads towards the table, climbing into a chair as Lucia sits beside him. Together, they open the box and Noah pulls the instructions in front of them. "Papa always says we have to read the instructions first, Grandma, so we don't miss any steps."

Lucia smiles softly. "Where is your Papa?"

"He had a meeting he couldn't reschedule; he should be back soon." She answers. It's not an outright lie, and Lucia doesn't question any further.

"That's good advice," Lucia agrees.

They're not at it long when his keys sound in the door and he's letting himself in. He smiles upon hearing Noah's excitement, but it's short lived when he finds his mother sitting at the table with him.

"Hi Papa! Look! Grandma brought me Lego's!"

His smile is strained, though Noah doesn't notice, his attention already returned to the instructions in front of him. "That was thoughtful of her. Did you say thank you?"

Noah nods, piecing the Lego together. "Grandma, we have to look for this piece!"

Slipping off his shoes, he moves to give his mother a hug and even from where she's sitting on the couch, Liv can tell it is somewhat reluctantly.

"It's good to see you, Mijo."

Rafael nods. "You too." Before she can initiate any more conversation, he's heading towards his room.

Liv carefully rises from the couch, following him. "You didn't get my text," she deduces, closing the door behind them.

He paces his bedroom, fishing his phone from the pocket of his jeans. "I didn't."

"I can still ask her to leave."

Shaking his head, he blinks back his emotions, exhaling. "Noah's happy-"

"-Noah will be alright, Rafa…what do you need?"

"It's fine….are you hungry? How are you feeling?"

He's already heading back into the living room and she's not as quick on her feet to stop him. She's several steps behind him and Lucia's gaze looks between them both as they return.

"¿Todo está bien?" She questions.

"Todo está bien," he answers immediately, moving towards the coffee machine.

Liv recognizes his nervous energy and she can only surmise that his session with Dr. Lindstrom has left him raw.

Lucia doesn't seem to buy her sons quick assurance. "Look at the time; I should get going."

Noah immediately protests. "No! Don't go yet! We haven't finished!"

Lucia brushes the back of her hand down Noah's cheek in comfort. "You can show me how you've finished it next time, darling-"

"-Mom, you don't gave to go," Rafael offers.

She shakes her head. "I shouldn't have just dropped by-"

"-I wan't you to stay!" Noah pleads. "Papa, can't Grandma stay?"

"Noah, it's ok-" Lucia comforts.

"-but why are you leaving?" He questions.

"Noah, honey," she intercepts. "Lucia has to go-"

The little boy turns to Lucia. "-but it's not late and we haven't finished yet!"

"Enough, Noah," Rafael snaps.

Noah jumps a little at his sharp tone, and the tears immediately well in his eyes.

The color drains from Rafael's face and the room is silent albeit the coffee machine gurgling to life.

Crossing the kitchen, she goes to her son, rubbing his back. "Why don't you take your Lego to your room." The tears have spilled down his cheeks and Liv wipes them away gently. "It's alright, honey…Papa isn't mad at you."

Rafael is rooted to the spot and she helps Noah from the table, gathering his Lego. Noah scurries past him towards his room and before he can read too much into it, Liv places a hand on his chest. "He's alright-"

"-I didn't mean to snap at him-"

"- He'll understand-"

"-Christ," he berates himself. "I should have just walked away-"

She frames her hands around his face, bringing his gaze to hers. "-Stop."

He inhales deeply.

"You're a good father, Rafael. Everything's going to be fine." Sliding her hands back down to his chest, Liv holds his gaze. "You need to tell her."

He nods, swallowing hard.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

"Tell me what, Mijo?" Lucia questions softly.

Liv has left them both alone, and Rafael wishes now that she was here to help him because he has no idea how to start, how to tell his mother and Liv, she'd know exactly what to say, what to do.

"Rafi?"

"It's about Dad," he begins.

Lucia settles back into her chair at the table. "What about him?"

He can feel his throat tightening, the tears brimming his eyes and he blinks them back quickly. "…he…sexually assaulted me, mom…."

"What?"

"…it started after Abeulo passed…he always hated that I was different…" he swallows the lump in his throat, his gaze trained ruthlessly at the tiles on his kitchen floor. "…thought I wanted it, that it would fix me…"

Lucia is out of her seat, circling the island towards him and when her hands frame his face, lifting his gaze to her own, he shuts his eyes tightly.

"How long, Rafi?" She questions softly.

"…he stopped when I started dating Yelena…I'd finally done something he approved of…."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Her voice is shaky and he knows that she's crying and he can't bear to see the pain in her eyes. "I was…afraid…what he might do to me…to you….he was so violent, mami…."

"Look at me, Rafael."

The tears have managed to slip from his eyes and she's a bit watery when he meets his gaze to hers, but there's no mistaking the sheer agony in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Mijo," she cries. "If I had known, I would have protected you, I would have made sure that he rotted in a cell for the rest of his life," her voice catches in her throat and she pulls him into her arms. "I'm so sorry." Without her shoes, his mother is slightly shorter than him but she cradles his head on her shoulder anyway, hugging him tightly. "You've always been perfect, just the way you are….it never mattered to me whether you liked theatre or football; as long as you were happy….I love you so much, Mijo. So much."

He wraps his arms around her, letting her hug the little boy that's been waiting his entire life.

"….Dios, what you must think of me? For not noticing, not stopping him!"

Rafael shakes his head from her shoulder. "I don't blame you." And for the first time, he believes himself. "Predators like him are masters of deception."

She kisses the side of his head, holding him tightly. "I'm so sorry, Rafi."

They stand, engulfed in each others embrace, for what feels like hours, until both their tears have stopped and the silence between them is no longer heavy. When he finally pulls back, Lucia wipes the tears from his face with her thumbs, kissing him on both cheeks.

"Can you ever forgive me?" She asks, her voice wavering.

"Mami, you did nothing wrong," he assures, new tears filling his eyes.

Lucia wipes her own eyes. "….are you happy, Mijo? With Olivia?….you don't have to hide anything from me, you can love whoever you want to-"

"-I'm not gay, Mom," he immediately denies, the heat rising up his neck. "I'm very happy with Liv."

Lucia nods. "Does she know?"

"Yes….she suggested that I speak with someone….a therapist….to help." He can see the worry in his mothers eyes. "….nothing has changed between us," he adds reassuringly. "She's been," he shakes his head, wiping his eyes, struggling for the first time perhaps in his life, to find the right words.

"Tu fuerza, tu apoyo," Lucia offers.

Rafael nods.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

There's a gentle knock on the door, and Liv calls him in. "You can come in."

Rafael opens the door, leaning in the frame. His eyes are puffy and red and Noah frowns from where he sits on the floor, finishing up his LEGO. "Papa, are you ok?"

He manages a smile small, wiping his eyes. "I should be asking you that, Mijo." Pushing away from the doorframe, he crosses the room to sit beside Liv on the bed. "I'm so sorry, Noah, for loosing my temper like that."

Getting to his feet, Noah climbs into his lap. "It's ok, Papa; Momma explained it to me."

He looks over at Liv.

"Sometimes when adults feel big emotions and we react with anger even though we're really not angry," she explains.

"Do you need a hug, Papa?" Noah questions, his blue eyes full of worry.

"I'd really love a hug," he admits.

Noah wraps his tiny arms around him, resting his head on his shoulder. "Big emotions are hard."

Rafael chuckles through the tears in his eyes, kissing the side of his head. "They are, Mijo, but your hugs are the best….I love you so much, Noah."

"I love you too, Papa."

Liv rubs his back, wiping her eyes. "I think Grandma would love to see your finished Lego set."

Pulling back, Noah gives him a quick kiss on the cheek before collecting his Lego and heading out into the living room. "Grandma! Look!"

The minute he's gone, Rafael turns into her, and Liv's got him in her arms. "It's going to be ok, I promise," she soothes. "You've done the hardest part, Rafa, and I'm so proud of you, babe."

"Thank you…for being here, for steadying me for loving me, Liv…I don't know if I could have done this without out."

She pulls him back, framing her hands around his face. "All in….I love you, Rafael."

Tbc