Star Wars Episode VII: Return of the Force: Chapter 15: Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Bites Back: Chapter 6: Star Wars Episode IX: The Feral Flump: Chapter 7: The Super Mario Brothers Movie Two
A bearded man stood alone in an elevator when suddenly a portal opened up next to him and out walked Chith, Luke, Dith, and Jaim'z.
"OH MY GOODNESS MY FRIENDS!" The man shouted.
"Frenz? Who da heck is you, guy?" Jaim'z asked.
"It's me! Obi Wan! Oh it's been so long since I last saw you!" The bearded man said with tears in his eyes.
"Bro we literally just saw you! Look! There you are now!" Chith said pointing into the portal.
Everyone looked into the portal and saw young Obi Wan standing and waving goodbye as it closed.
"Nuh-uh. Been YEARS!" Obi Wan said.
Jaim'z leaned in to whisper in Chith's ear, "aye! To us it only been a couple seconds cause we traveled through time and what not. But to him its been however long since Episode 1."
Chith smacked his head and said "oof!"
Luke looked curiously at Obi, rubbing his chinny chin chin. "Eh not as ripe as you were, but still pretty ripe ;)"
"So this is Episode 2 huh?" Dith said with his hands on his hips. "Say, aren't you supposed to be mentoring some little twink?"
Obi Wan got a little bit sad. "No, I always wanted a padawan, but I never got one." He said shrugging his shoulders.
Everyone turned to look at Jaim'z.
Jaim'z blushed a little and did a little dance.
"I'm glad you guys are here. Senator Amidala was attacked yesterday. She was landing in a big shiny ship when suddenly KABOOM! Someone blowed it up!" Obi Wan said.
Luke jummed when Obi said "Kaboom". It startled the poor little guy. He got so nervous that he started biting his fingernails (HE HAS NO HANDS THO!)
"Luke stop biting your hook and nub of a hand. Here let me help you." Chith said.
Chith grabbed Luk's lightsaber and forcefully shoved it into Luke's nub.
"YOWCH!" Luke screamed. "Hey that actually works out well!"
"Problem solved :)" Chith said before kissing Luke on the forehead.
The elevator dinged and the doors opened.
"Welcome Master Kenobe." Padme said.
"MOMMY!" Luke barked! Luke jumped into Padme's arms and tried to get her to breastfeed him.
"Who the FUCK is this!?" Padme yelled and dropped Luke on his bottom.
Luke cry.
"We're from the future." Dith said.
"He's your son, lady!" Chith yelled.
"I don't have a son. I ain't fuckin' nobody!" Padme said folding her arms.
"Yeah but ya would be if I hadnt blown his head off with a blaster!" Jaim'z said.
"Hmm well thats pretty cool." Padme said
"My friends here are going to help me find your killer, Senator" Obi Wan said.
"We are?!" Chith, Dith, Jaim'z, and Luke all said at once.
"Yep :)" Obi said he said.
LATER THAT NIGHT
Zamn Wessel was shoving her disgustin' worms into Padme's big ol room.
"Stinky stinky worm ew ew ew" Zam said out loud.
Padme heard and woke up but went back to sleep.
Chith, Dith, Jaim'z, Luke, and Obi were all in the living room shooting the shit.
"I'm hungry. I wanna suck on my mom's fat titties." Said luke luke said.
A very muffled "NO" came from padme's room.
Luke sniffled and sobbed and snotted,
Obi Wan whipped Luke's nose. "Man its good that you guys are here. Politicks have been a bitch an a half. Even worse than when George Bush beat Al Gore -
"Jesus fuckin' CHRIST wit dis guy amirite? Oi vey." Jaim'z rolled his eyes, exasperated. "Obi Wan no one watches dese movies for any kinda deep political philosophsin'; they're just here for BANG BOOM scoon you dig?" (he did lil finger guns when he did that btw)
Obi Wan raised his finger, seemingly about to emphasize the importance of understanding the political landscape of the Republic when Luke screamed at the top of his lungs
Oh my GOD I need to nap. Luke slumped over, falling out of his chair, hititng his head on a rock a going to sleep.
"Okay I wont go too far into it then. Long story short China took a big shit on everything." Obi Wan said.
Chith sensed something and jummed up "WHAT THE FUCK!?" He said.
"I sense it too" Obi Wan said.
Everyone ran into the room and started swinging their light sabers.
Dith cut Padme's TV in half. Obi wan cut her pillow in half. Chtih got the woim.
"HOLE IN ONE" Chith said.
Obi One gave Chith a big thumbs up.
"Nice use of the force, Chith" Dith sed
Jaim'z showed up LATE (no force)
Obi wan sawd a thingy outside and jummed out the window and now we've got trouble.
Chith, Dith, and Jaim'z all tried to run out of the room but they all 3 got stuck in the door way.
There was a second woim thAT Chith MISSED AND IT WAS HEADING TOWARDS LUKE!
"LUKE GEDA WOIM!" Chith shouted but Luke was too busy (seeping)
Dith took off his shoe and threw it at Look. (George W. Bush)
"Ohhh i MISSED" Dith barked.
"Jaim'z set his phaser to 'oof' and shot luke.
"OOF" Luke said as he jummed up and accidentally ignited his saber, conveniently cutting the woim in half.
Luke jumped in the air n kicked his heels together "YES" he said said and he ran out the room.
"LUKE, GO GET OBI WAN AND ZAMN WESSEL" Chith, Dith, and Jaim'z barked in unison
"Ah Kah" Luke shouted back, gums over his teeth
Luke was on it. His apprentice-turned-master was depending on him, and luke couldnt let him down. After struggling to activate the lift with his severed hands (he opted to use his lightsaber to cut his way in) Luke makes it to the rooftop parking lot.
Luke stopped and tapped deeply into the force, sensing Obi Wan and Zamn fleeing. Luke knew his window was shrinking, and needed to act quickly. Luke found the coolest hovercar in the lot: the mini cooper from Austrin Powers: Goldeneye (you know the one) Clawing through the window with his hook hand (he forgot he had his lightsombro in his stump)like a raccoon luke plopped into the comfortable lil seat. Luke immediately realized he had no idea how to steal a car. Panicking, luke accidentally ignites his lightsombo, ruining the steering wheel and singing his cheek just a lil' bit.
"Battle wounds" muttered luke dramatically.
Luke gave up, exhaling dramatically. He looked to the stars, unable to sense Zamn and Obi Wan anymore, and realized he'd let his team down. Chich was going to kick his ass. Luke almost tripped, narrowly avoiding hitting his head, and scratched his chin.
"Ouch" Luke said; he'd used his hook hand. Like almost muttered "battle wounds" a second time when he had an idea: if I can't turn the car on, maybe I can steal one already in use!
Luke did not think this impulse through completely, and leaped right off the building into traffic. Thousands of cars criss-crossed around him, and luke had a mild panic attack as he began to scream "IDON'TKNOWHOWTODSOTHIS." Luke paused for a second. "I know I'll try spinning thats a good trick!" He began to spin and barreled through the air like a football thrown in a bad spiral.
Chith, Dith, and Jaim'z had, for a bit, given up on escaping the doorway. Finding a small comfort in being so close together and getting to finally engage in some low-stakes smalltalk.
Jaim'z was finally getting an opportunity to explain the geopolitical landscape of Episode 2-era space when the three of them saw fuckin' luke frantically fumbled past Padme's open window screaming.
"We've got trouble" Dith barked darkly. "Yuh" Chirth agreed.
Dith forced out his light sombo (with the force) and made it cut a HUGE chunk outta the wall to free the three heroes.
They both looked at eachother (Chith and Jaim'z kissed for a quick sec) (Dith got jealous) and all three jummed out the window and got stuck in the window.
Jaim'z said "go go gadget ROCKET BOOTS" which activated his ROCKET BOOTS and forcered them out the window and now they're ALL falling.
The three of tyhem were falling for so long that they had an opportunity to stop and chat (Who Framed Roger Rabbit with bob hoskins and micky and bugs) "Alright gang wat's da plan?" Jaim'z asked
"I dunno" Chith said "we were following you lead"
"Shit" Jaim'z sighed "I wuz used to y'all havin' all da big picturey planz" he shrugged
"Well" started Dith "what happened in episode 2?"
Before Jaim'z finally got a chance to talk about the star war with his friends Luke was screaming "look everyone, I did it!" from offscreen
To everyone's horror, luke was hanging out the passenger side of a sketchy ass windowless van with "Free Candy, Kids!" scrawled across in white paint.
Jaim'z, Chith, and Dith looked uncomfortably at one another, no one eager to be kidnapped. "Well, a ride's a ride!" Jaim'z explained, setting his phaser to "slaughter" and utterly obliterating the obvious child predator trying to touch Luke's no-no locations
"Once we wipe off the gore and gristle out the driver's seat we're good to go!" Jaim'z chortled, expertly adjusting his skydive so he could enter the van. Chith and dith had a long, meaningful stare before entering the vehicle. (gay)
Jaim'z began to fly the van at a snails pace, while bobbing in his seat looking eagerly at the rest of the traffic zooming by him. "Wowza boys, check out all da differn't typsa cars flying around!" Chith and Dith sat in the back looking furious with their arms crossed.
"Too SLOW!" Chith was piss af. He got his ass up and turned the MPH in that bad boy to 1000. Jaim'z' skin began to peel back like he was going hyperspeed and he screamed in utter terror. Chith smiled and nodded at Jaim's menacingly as the car zipped through the traffic and slammed into the wall of the bar Zamn was at like a dart onto a dartboard.
All three men slammed into the front wall of the car and splatted against it like Looney Toons. They flattened (hot) and drifted lightly towards the floor like paper.
Jaim'z put his thumb in his mouth and blew REAL hard and he bagan to expand. He was back to normal.
He looked at his flat stanley-ass friends and pulled a air pump out of his ass. He plugged that bad boy into Chith's ass and pumped and pumped and pumped until everyone was back to normal.
Dith vomoted.
"Ugh after all this… I need a drink." Dith said.
"Well lucky for you theres a bar right here and conveniently, Zamn went in there! Lets go!" Citch said.
All our boys went into the bar.
Luke was enamored at all the space aliems inside. Like his ol cantina back home.
He saw Nimoidians, the bat things, the devil guys, he saw Space Ghost there too and the werewolf.
Obi Wan was sitting at the bar talking to some death stick selling looking motherfucker.
"Hey you wanna buy some death sticks?" He asked with his weird little antennae things all up in the air and shit.
"Yes." Said obi
Dith saw Zam and pulled out his lightsaber and cut off her fucking hand. "Jedi beeswax go back to your drinkz"
The Nimoidians, the bat things, the devil guys, Space Ghost, and the werewolf went back to their drinkz.
Dith took her outside and smacked her around a bit (hes not messing around)
"Who sent you to kill Padme… TELL US NOW!" He asked
"It was a bounty hunter called…" BOOM
Jaim'z hit her head off. He blew off his knuckles "too ee zee.'
There was a horrible thundering boom and the entire cantina shook and shaked, the lights flickered ominously. Luke pooped his pants, shook the turd out the leg of his pants, and kicked it near Zamn's headless and handless corpse.
Despite the power being out, all the screens in the bar went from assorted space sports to a creepy screen featuring none other than Brian.
"Alright Brian, you're on" said Bib from behind the camera; the camera then zoomed ina little more and focused and unfocused, a boom entered and left the field of view quickly (unprofessional)
The green screen behind Brian flickered and flashed into a like blue world with multiple layers of scrolling text featuring stuff like "BIG BRIAN TIME" and "BRIAN: GOD OF THE FORCE" and "BEWARE THE BRIAN BUNCH" and "BRIAN IS A PRETTY COOL GUY AND HIS PLAN IS SUPER GREAT IF ONLY YOU TOOK THE TIME TO HEAR HIM OUT"
"Crossiant. The shockwaves you are feeling now come from my associate; Shmi Skywalker." There were a few more shockwaves and the sound of collapsing buildings outside. The footage of Brian was replaced by helicopter footage of like 50 Man of Steel 9/11's happening at the same time.A gargantuan, musclebound maniac of a Shmi skywalker stood at ground zero, radiating with golden energy and hair glowing; standing up on end. Shmi gathered a ball of green force energy, and laughed while she blasted a 100 meter wide torrent of destruction on the city. The senate building was her target, and it just like isnt there no more
Brian was back on the screen "that was a mere fraction of the collective might of the Brian Bunch, check this shit out." Shmi blew up both halves of the moon effortlessly from where she stood, laughing. "Think of the tides!" someone in the bar shouted.
If only you had taken the time to listen to my plan! I emailed it to all of you. Suffer the consequences.
True bro cruntryingruied.
Author's note: Lego Halloween Special sucked ass. Fuck you.