Hisashi Shigaraki was at the top of the world (precisely where the villain who'd named himself All for One belonged, in his own opinion.) He had a date with the amazingly beautiful Inko Midoriya, a young woman he'd met at a local museum. She already seemed impressed with his knowledge of history. The only catch was that his mother would not shut up.

Inside his mind, Mom said, Hisashi, dear, I do think you should grow a beard for your first date. Women love men with beards. Maybe a nice, long beard all the way to your waist. Surely you have a metapower for it? You have so many.

Aloud, he muttered, "Mom, these days we call them quirks." Since he was standing in a department store shopping for date night clothing, he kept his voice quiet. And since his mother was a quirk ghosts living inside his head, he couldn't just walk away from her.

Hisashi was grateful he'd accidentally and unknowingly taken his mother's quirk as a baby. Because of her teachings inside his head, he'd survived on the streets and kept his weaker brother alive. She'd even been able to very slightly direct his body when he'd been an infant with a limited consciousness, helping him escape the rats who'd tried to eat him and his twin and swim to shore. The spike quirk had been invaluable in his early, dark days when he'd been hunted by anti-metahuman gangs. His mother's voice in his head had been a constant source of love and reassurance. She was the only reason he knew how to talk. She was the only reason he was still alive. She was family.

Like all his family members, she was extremely annoying.

Mom nattered: You look like Santa Claus when you have a beard. People love Santa.

Hisashi pinched the bridge of his nose. "Not in a sexy way!"

He'd spoken too loudly. The other customers around him shot him funny looks. He smiled, close-mouthed, then directed his attention to the rack of suits. If only he had a quirk to stop himself from blushing. Mom felt more real than any other quirk ghost—perhaps because she was patient zero of quirks. Unfortunately that also made her harder to lock away.

You should dress like you have money. Women love money, Mom said cheerfully. Ooo! How about the suit on the far right?

Half the suit had a leopard pattern made of gold sequins and the other half had black and pink tiger's strips. It was so unbelievably tacky that even a self-proclaimed supervillain wouldn't be caught dead in it. Hisashi picked up a black suit. Surely black would be safe. "This looks less…controversial." It was difficult for him to outright tell her that all her advice was terrible. Hisashi had no qualms about verbally savaging anyone else in Japan, including his brother, his only other family member. But she was his mom. And he could never rub it in her face that her only experience in dating had been prostitution.

Will you at least let me pick your tie? Mom asked.

"Sure," Hisashi easily agreed, already planning to burn the tie. He'd been letting his mother pick his ties for years and finding creative ways to dispose of all of them. A tie was not a necessity in attire, and thus a safe place for his mother to vent her insanely bad fashion sense.

As they drifted to the tie section, Mom continued, This is exciting! My baby boy's first date in a century.

Hisashi hadn't dated in a century because the last time he'd tried, he'd make the mistake of taking his mother's advice. Then he'd needed to wait an entire generation for everyone who remembered to die.

On his way to Inko's apartment, Hisashi stopped to pick out a gift. Gnawing on his lower lip, he mumbled, "Flowers, candy, or chocolate?"

Alas, his mother mistook him talking to himself as a request for her input. Definitely cash. Nothing is better than cash.

Hisashi sighed. "I believe that would be seen as insulting. Women who aren't prostitutes generally don't like being mistaken for one. You're an unusual case. You're very…strong."

Although Mom referred to herself as a prostitute without any shame, Hisashi had gotten a few dreams making it clear to him that she had not been in the business willingly. As a consequence, human trafficking was the one dirty business All for One would never deal in. He'd made it his mission to eliminate traffickers from Japan. Hisashi didn't care about ethics. But this was about family. This was personal.

Mom asked, What about jewelry? She can pawn it if she needs money.

Since his mother had suggested jewelry, Hisashi immediately knew that would be the wrong choice for a first date. Probably it would seem too expensive. He headed to the grocery store to buy flowers and chocolates, despite his mother complaining those had no resale value.

Inko opened the door wearing a shimmering green dress with a slit running down one leg. Hisashi gaped, dropping the chocolate and flowers.

Using her quirk, Inko summoned the gifts to her hand. "Oh, how lovely and thoughtful. There was no need for so much for a first date. But, thank you." She turned away, fetching a vase for the flowers.

Mom whistled. Damn, what a hottie. You should seal the deal as fast as possible with this one. Get her pregnant, then she'll have to marry you.

"Please, mom," Hisashi whispered, flushing.

You know what position is best for conception? Doggy style. And it lets you grope her—

"MOM!" Hisashi wailed, leaping backward, his head slamming into the doorframe.

Inko turned around. "What's wrong?"

Flushing even redder, Hisashi said, "I thought I saw…a mouse. Yeah, that's what I was shouting. Mouse."

Mom said, Don't show weakness, you can't admit you're scared of mice or she'll think you're a wimp.

He bit his tongue to stop himself from protesting that mice didn't bother him, only rats, and he wasn't scared, he just hated them for trying to eat him as a baby. When he ruled Japan, he would eradicate rodents.

"Oh, dear." Inko peered around. "I don't see anything. This is worrying. I keep my house clean."

"I'm sure you do," Hisashi said. He smoothed back his hair and tried to sound charming. "It was only a figment of my imagination. Please pardon me. The truth is…I'm a little scared of rodents." Normally Hisashi would never admit weakness, but taking the opposite of his mother's advice would always be a winning strategy in the romantic department.

Not all of Mom's advice was bad. Just her love advice. She'd had some marvelously ruthless suggestions in the early days of forming his evil empire. Mom had never suffered from moral scruples. In fact she'd always said it was about time a member of their family got to be on top. (She kept calling it "their" empire, rather presumptuously, but since she couldn't leave his head, he'd never been forced to correct her.) She'd even supported him vaulting Yoichi after Yoichi had insisted she was only a delusion and evidence his big brother must be suffering from a psychotic break. However, although she might be a great mom, she had no romantic experience and it showed.

Once again, Hisashi turned out to be right. Inko's expression melted with sympathy. Teasingly, she said, "If we run into any mice, then I'll protect you."

"How gallant." Hisashi offered his arm.

As they left together, Hisashi whispered very low, "If you ever try to give me sex tips again then I will run screaming away from this date."

No, not my chance at grandchildren! Mom cried. Not one more word about sex, I promise.

Noticeably, she hadn't promised to stop giving him advice. Hisashi sighed. Although he could never ever give up his mother's quirk, the idea of temporarily shoving it into a Nomu to get a break just kept looking more and more tempting. Except then she'd probably show up on his dates with her brain hanging out of her undead body. He needed to take back One for All as quickly as possible so he could shove his little brother's vestige into his mental landscape with his mother. Once Mom had Yoichi to fuss over, she'd finally be distracted from bothering him. It was about time Yoichi took his fair share of filial duties. This was Hisashi's real motive for chasing relentlessly after his little brother's quirk. Revenge just sounded cooler when he spoke to his underlings.

At the restaurant, Hisashi remembered to pull out Inko's chair before she sat down. He'd gotten everything he knew about romance from watching swashbuckling movies. He could tolerate criminal heroes like Robin Hood, who were basically villains.

Since his mother had advised taking his date to the most expensive restaurant in town, Hisashi had picked a small family-run ramen place. As Inko perused the menu, a man bumped into her chair. He kept walking, either not noticing or not caring.

Mom said, You should rip his head off! That'll impress her.

Hisashi had been about to do just that, but since his mom had suggested it, he realized it would be a terrible idea. It would have given away too much about himself too soon. He let his claws sink back into his fingers. "Are you all right?" Hisashi asked.

Inko smiled. "Oh, I'm fine. This place is crowded, I'm sure he didn't mean any harm. So many customers must mean the food is good."

"It had better be," Hisashi mumbled. Or else the minion who'd recommended the place would die. He tried hard to think of a good conversation topic. In his regular life, he usually just talked about crime. "Uh, how was your day?"

Mom said, That was weak. I told you that you should have hacked into her computer to find out what she likes and dislikes.

That had been another thing he would have done if his mother hadn't suggested it. Now he regretted holding back.

Inko launched into a story about her job at the local bookstore. This pivoted into talking about comic books. It turned out Inko had never even heard of Captain Hero, so of course Hisashi had to tell her all about it. She was a wonderful listener.

As their meals arrived, Hisashi felt like the date was going great. He immediately picked up his bowl of ramen and slurped it down. Broth and a few noodles dripped down his chin and sprayed against the floor and wall. People around them stared.

Mom said, Oh no, at restaurants you're supposed to use table manners. I never had them so I could never teach you.

Desperate enough to even take his mother's advice, Hisashi hissed, "What should I do?"

Kill everyone and then erase Inko's memory? Do you have a quirk for that?

"I don't!"

Reaching across the table, Inko mopped Hisashi's chin. "Your table manners are just like Mitsuki. She's my best friend. Oh, but you really should slow down and enjoy the food. Here, have a spoon."

Hisashi gratefully accepted this spoon thing. It was relatively straightforward to use. Since he'd gone straight from living on the streets to being a criminal overlord, no one had ever dared correct his manners before. Still, he did have some basic common sense so he restrained himself from eating the spoon and the tablecloth too. Barely. Why did they print a strawberry pattern on the tablecloth if it wasn't edible?

As the waiter came by with the check, Mom said, You should take her straight back home. I'm not supposed to say anything about the s word but you know what to do. Then she made smooching sounds.

Following his so-far successful pattern of doing the opposite of whatever his mother suggested, Hisashi asked, "Would you like to see a movie?"

Inko beamed. "I'd love it."

Checking his phone, Hisashi found a theatre just a block away. It seemed logical to walk over instead of calling a cab. Inko took his arm again. Seeing her shiver, he offered his jacket. He had a quirk to keep himself warm. Unfortunately, just as he was taking off his coat, a rat scampered by.

Rats. The river. The horrible teeth coming at him. Hisashi screamed and jumped unnaturally high in the air. He slammed his head against the lamppost, then fell. Inside his head, Mom screamed even louder. She didn't like rats, either.

Inko grabbed Hisashi's arm. Though much smaller than him, she managed to stabilize him so he landed on his feet. She yanked out a gum packet from her purse and threw it at the rat. "Shoo!"

The rodent fled into the darkness.

"Whoa." Hisashi gazed in awe at the beautiful goddess who had saved him.

Inko patted his back. "You weren't kidding about being scared of rats. I was a little freaked out myself, but at least it went away."

Mom said, You should marry that woman.

"I intend to," Hisashi whispered. That didn't even count as advice—it was just a statement of fact. Running his fingers through his hair, he gathered control of himself. "Thank you so much. I feel ashamed of my display."

"There's no need," Inko said. "Everyone has fears." She patted his cheek. "Really, there's something cute about your shocked expression."

Against all odds, Hisashi had somehow escaped the rat situation with sanity and love life intact.

At the theatre, Inko asked, "What movie would you like to see? My tastes are varied."

Mom said, Ooo, that movie poster with the half-naked lady looks fun. Just right to get you both in the mood.

Hisashi pointed in the opposite direction. "That one!" His finger landed on the poster of the latest Godzilla movie.

"What a coincidence." Inko laughed. "I'm a huge Godzilla fan."

In Hisashi's limited knowledge, movies were supposed to involve hand-holding and cuddling. But Inko spend the entire film rivetted to the screen and clutching her handkerchief when she cried. Hisashi felt a little cheated and wondered if his strategy of opposites had failed for once. But on the other hand, Inko seemed happy. Watching her smiling face kept Hisashi entertained enough to finish a movie for once. In the end the monster lost, to his disappointment, but he felt somewhat comforted by the millions left dead.

When they left the theatre, Inko's eyes sparkled. "What an amazing metaphor for the horrors of nuclear weapons and humanity's hubris. What was your favorite takeaway?"

Hisashi said, "I need to get a quirk to turn myself into a giant lizard."

Inko laughed, even though that hadn't been a joke. "I'm happy that we're both Godzilla fans. Would you like to attend a Godzilla lecture next week?"

"That sounds wonderful," Hisashi said. He was even prepared to watch more movies so he could fake being a fan. But he wouldn't finish them, no, he'd read spoilers online.

After walking Inko to her home, Hisashi bowed and kissed her hand. "I had a lovely time."

"So did I," Inko said, then drew him in for a kiss on the lips.

Hisashi left in a dazed and happy state. In an unusually soft voice, Mom said, Huh, I can't believe how much better this is going than last time.

"It's all thanks to you, Mom," Hisashi said generously. After all, he could continue to enjoy romantic success by doing the opposite of whatever she suggested.

OMAKE TIME!

Omake: Inko's Describes Her Date to Mitsuki

Mitsuki: Even I think this guy sounds bad. Either he's a walking red flag, or he was raised by wolves. Or both.

All for One: Raised by rats actually! The one comic I finished was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles because I related to the characters so much.

Inko: At least he actually asked me instead of mugging me into a date.

Mitsuki: Hey, Masaru is the one who asked for the second one!

Inko: Overall Hisashi seems like a shy, sweet guy. Sure he's a bit messy but he wouldn't even hurt a rat.

All for One: Why do I simultaneously feel relieved and annoyed?

#

Omake: Second Place

Yoichi: My brother has been chasing after me to vault me for a century.

All for One: Don't get full of yourself, I really just need you as bait to get Mom into the mental vault.

Yoichi: I'm…only the second most annoying relative? Is this how Endeavor feels?

#

Omake: If All for One Obtains One for All

All for One: Finally, blessed silence from Mom's nagging. I got her straight into the mental vault with Yoichi and slammed the door. I'm so happy I might not even slaughter you all.

Heroes: R-really?

All for One: Ha! Oh no, you're all thoroughly screwed.

#

Omake: Yoichi "Life is a Comic Book" Shigaraki

All for One: My mother loves to give advice even when she doesn't know what she's talking about.

Yoichi: I guess you had to get it from somewhere, big brother.

Second: Yoichi, I'm shocked you have something in common with All for One. Eh, I guess it's more acceptable if the terrible advice gene came from your mother.

Yoichi: What was that?

Second: Nothing.

#

Omake: Truth

All for One: I'm a real son of a bitch.

Mom: I'm right here!

All for One: And proud of it.

#

Omake: Embarrassing Stories

Inko: I've always wanted to meet my mother-in-law so she can tell me all about your cute baby stories.

Mom: Sure! Want to hear about how Hisashi bit clean through my breast to get at the milk? Poor kid, I was already dead so I couldn't provide much. He broke a rat's neck and drained it of blood just a few days later. He was always a precocious tot. Why, he was only one year old the first time he killed someone.

Inko: …On second thought, there's nothing better than a silent mother-in-law.

#

Omake: The Inko Shimura Variant

Inko: Your ability sounds awful. I'm glad I don't have to hear anything my mother-in-law says.

All for One: Me too because I killed Nana Shimura.

Inko: What?

All for One: I said the weather is nice today.

#

Omake: The Toshinko Version of Mom Backseat Driving

Inko: My mother was the hero Nana Shimura, but she gave me up for adoption shortly before her death.

Toshinori: I know. She told me all about it.

Nana: I'm not finished my 500-page long dissertation about how to treat my daughter right.

Toshinori: I really need to find a successor so that I can date in peace.

#

Omake: Family

All for One: I squashed human trafficking for my mother's sake.

Second: Could you give up the supervillain thing for your brother—

All for One: NEVER! I'm a villain for a very important reason: to prove my stupid baby brother is wrong about villains always losing.

Mom: Yoichi was born first.

All for One: Quiet you!

#

Garaki: Master, why do you never wear ties?

All for One: Listen, I fended for myself since I was a baby. I taught myself to read. I founded my own criminal empire barely out of puberty. I am a genius!

Garaki: I completely agree, master.

All for One: That's why if ties befuddle me then they must be a mystical creation of aliens.

Garaki: Have you ever tried watching a YouTube video to teach yourself?

All for One: Furthermore I learned from my childhood on the streets not to hang a strangulation device around my neck.

#

Omake: The Creation of One for All

Yoichi: I don't believe you can hear our mother's ghost. It's more likely you have a mental illness.

Mom: Ooooo that brat! Give my quirk to him, then I'll show him.

All for One: I would, but then you would tell Yoichi that he was born first. Stockpile it must be.

#

Omake: Ghost Grandma's Bad Parenting Advice

Mom: Aw, my grandson is the most adorable, precious angel. We're going to raise him right and make sure he has everything we never did.

All for One: I'll be relying on your help (so I can do the opposite of what you tell me).

Mom: First of all, children require very little supervision. You can just let him crawl around the backyard, he'll be fine. If he runs into a rat then I'm sure he'll beat it, just like you.

All for One: I was going to do that, but I won't now.

Mom: Spoil him rotten and let him have everything he wants. If he gets in trouble, make it disappear. Kill anyone who harms him without question.

All for One: It goes against all my instincts, but since I know your advice is terrible, I'm going to pretend to be upper middle class instead of ridiculously wealthy. I will try not to be an overbearing villain parent. That way my son won't get spoiled.

Mom: You should encourage him to kill someone before he turns one year old. It will make him tough.

All for One: It turns out children committing murders is bad. My parenting books never mentioned that. I'm learning so much from you.

#

Omake: Meet Ghost Grandma

Little Izuku: Why do we have a shrine in the living room?

All for One: That's for your late grandmother and uncle.

Izuku: They're gone?

All for One: The dead never leave us. Even when we want them to.

Mom: Hey, I know if I ever actually left, you'd chase after me just like Yoichi.

Author's Note: Thank you to Errand for this fun prompt! Also thank you to Gfan97 for brainstorming and coming up with omakes with me.