A/N: Thank you readers for your patience in waiting for this next chapter. My excuses include writers block and this pesky little thing called "life". Both have kept me equally busy and distracted from delivering more story for you all. Don't give up on me, I plan on continuing this story until little Lily is born, so don't give up on me!
Enjoy and please comment to improve my writing. Thanks :)
Chapter 9:
The loft - finally home.
Being a homicide detective had its perks, one of which included having bio-remediation on speed-dial. The boys and Lanie had handled the calls, but because it wasn't super high priority, they had had to wait, delay the repairs. That's why it hadn't been finished when they returned home the first time. But now that they were done, and the contractor finished everything off, with the assistance of the decorator of course, Kate was pleasantly surprised. The kitchen pillar was now a steely gray, an accent to the red carpet and walls of the living room. Kate quite liked the new dark tiles for the kitchen as well. Stain resistant, she had recalled Rick's specifics, trying to get her input on colors in the middle of her worst moments weeks ago. Now that the kitchen was cleared, the only reminders of their ordeal were the nightmares and the scars. Permanent. Their bodies scrapbooks detailing their stories, Kate's more decorated than Rick's.
The return to the loft was easy, the return to work, not so much. Five and a half weeks away was a long time. Only Rick knew that she had spent nearly an hour fretting today, trying to figure out what to wear. Something modest and professional, but not too tight that it might snag on the remaining stitches. Her shoulder stitches had been removed a week ago, but her abdominal stitches were still catching, working themselves out, another week until she would finally be free. She wasn't even close to showing yet, Lily's ten week form barely a blip, but of course she had stood sideways, examining her form in the mirror. Her vertical stitches marking the new absence of her spleen drew a line from the end of her ribcage to about to the hem of her dress slacks, nearly cutting a perpendicular to her previous tear - where Dr. Josh had wrenched her open to save her life. How many more times could her body be ripped open, for the sake of saving her life?
Her sappy pregnancy hormones pulled her mind to wondering how the tapestry of scars would change with her upcoming expansion. And of course that made tears well up in her eyes, the nagging devil on her shoulder telling her she wouldn't be beautiful through all of this. Rick had caught her wiping her face as he stepped back into the bedroom. In his usual way of small gestures and well placed kisses, he assured her. Other than her slightly bloated cheeks, no one would really question anything.
"I work with the best detectives in the city." Kate rolled her eyes, brushing his tender arm out of the way and scooping a blouse off the bed. Loose with a high neck, it covered everything up but wouldn't snag, long enough not to tuck in either. Perfect for desk duty.
"Homicide detectives," Castle returned with emphasis on the homicide, trying not to check her out too obviously. She would never not be beautiful. Well except when she was in a hospital bed, that was more scary than beautiful. Right now she was upright and moving, therefore stunning. Especially when she shot that characteristic glare at him.
He dodged it, "You are not a dead body, nor a crime." He pulled her into a loving and slightly too tight embrace, meant to distract from how awkward the words sounded once they had left his mouth. She had been close to being a dead body a few too many times already. If he held her tight enough, maybe she wouldn't get that close again. Maybe he could stop his mind from going there as well.
She hadn't seemed to notice, or she just took it in stride, "They'll find out." She returned, squirming out of the embrace, taking one last glance at the mirror.
"How?" he sounded a bit exasperated now that she wasn't in his arms, deftly striding out of the bedroom. He continued his rant, following her much like a loyal dog. "Espo… no he wouldn't notice. And even if he does, he's too much of a gentleman to say anything. Ryan, well, he might notice." He trailed off mesmerized. An afternoon sunbeam poured through the window and she had walked right through it, the angelic aura distracting him. Did she know just how beautiful she was? And she was only going to get more beautiful as their family grew.
Sliding up to the kitchen counter, she reached to fill her reusable coffee mug. The habit would be hard for her to break, the mug Rick's idea to limit her without cutting her off completely. It was large enough to make her feel she wasn't limited, but a good reminder not to refill it, the happy medium to please both her OBGYN and herself.
"They will notice." She didn't even glance up as she placed the now empty pot in the sink.
"Well, no. You can just explain away the bloating. Mention your spleen. No one actually knows what it does, so they might just think your surgeries and complications are causing it."
"You're saying I'm bloated?" She shot the death glare across the kitchen, turning a bit towards him to make sure he got it. Her breath caught a second, a rogue stitch catching on her blouse and pulling at the puckered skin. So much for this blouse. She didn't quite mean the venom she was trying to send to Rick, but she loved to see him squirm a bit, smiling slightly as she turned back to screw the top onto the mug. While she was a bit puffy, she didn't realize others could see it. She definitely didn't want people to mention it. It just incited the little devil on her shoulder.
Rick had to save himself, dashing across the distance to whisper in her ear, "No honey. Not what I meant. You're really beautiful. Like all the time…." He ended with a kiss to her ear lobe, hoping it would smooth out his awkward words. He wasn't a morning person.
She shook him off with a slight smile. He was right though. While the crews she worked with were intelligent in their own right, they were specialists. They wouldn't know the first thing about keeping a living human body healthy, let alone be able to spot an early pregnancy in some one who was trying to hide it. She could and would hide her condition as long as humanly possible.
Still fighting pain, stiffness, and light nausea, Captain Beckett would be returning to the precinct part- time for now. Afternoons, saving the mornings for appointments: therapy- both psychological and physical, OBGYN, and sleeping in while she still could. Coming back was arduous, she still needed to be physically and psychologically cleared to return. In the time she was gone, her firearm certs had also lapsed a bit. It was protocol for an officer who had been attacked and needed a long recovery to have to demonstrate that they could still handle a gun in high stress environments. She couldn't do those runs just yet, not until she could raise her arm up enough to hold her gun steady. Plus her pregnancy was considered high risk: the bleeding and surgeries she had experienced early on, the resetting of her immune system, and her previous heart surgery all adding up. The endless stream of appointments slowed her recovery down, but she was ready to get back to work. Back to the things that brought her life.
She had tried to sneak in, but news travels fast in their small world. The minute she stepped into the building, all eyes turned, the echo of applause and 'welcome backs' following her even into the elevator. On the detective's floor, it was worse. The standing ovation even pulled in other departments; Captain Beckett swore the entire floor stopped, just for her. Always shy about recognition, she adopted her best modest pose: head bowed with a pinched half smile. It took her a long while to make it through the gauntlet, deftly turning attempted hugs into warm hand shakes instead. The less people could actually touch her, the more time she had to hide her "condition", and reduce the odds of snagging stitches.
A few steps away from her former office, she finally got the chance to glance around. Neither Esposito nor Ryan were at their desks, but Gates was standing at the threshold of the glass walled office, greeting her with a warm smile.
"Welcome back, Captain." Gates greeted with a two handed handshake, and a bit of a toothy smile. Was that a hint of compassion and joy behind her stern eyes?
Beckett nodded, grateful for the depth of various meanings hidden behind her former captain's face. Both women headed into the office as Gates sent a stern "back to work" to the bullpen behind her back.
Beckett wasn't sure where to go, so she just stood in the middle of the office adrift. Sure it was her office, but nearly six weeks away was too much. Gates had left all of Kate's personal things in place, a time capsule of that fateful day. The desk was a bit cluttered, as she had just moved what was necessary to do the job, Gate's attempt to adapt her system to the situation at hand. The efficient captain in Beckett wanted to head straight to the chair behind the desk, organize everything, and begin to review the day's cases. Show the world and herself that she was ready. But this was Gate's office right now, and she still had great respect for the woman. A woman who, upon hearing the familiar badge number accompany the officer down call, had rushed to this very office to mitigate the damage, keep the ship from sinking. Once everyone involved was found to be alive, she had stayed, not hesitating one minute to fill the gaping hole left by Beckett's sudden absence. The crews in this precinct were slow to trust others, considering how she had been treated after taking over for Montgomery. While it did feel good to be back, she was absolutely glad Beckett would be returning.
But she still returned the awkwardness, not sure what to do with the tough, resolute, but still wounded woman in her office. Six weeks ago this woman had been ambushed in her own home, four weeks ago she had been rushed into a second emergency surgery, then whisked away to their house in the Hamptons. While Esposito, Ryan, and Dr. Parish had all visited at various times during the recovery, Gates had purposely kept her distance. She didn't want anyone to see the emotionality she held for Beckett's plight, the mixture of pride, worry, and compassion. Now the extraordinary woman was standing in her office, trying to portray strength and readiness, but Gates could detect an undertone of pain and exhaustion. Gates knew Beckett was on unwanted restricted duty, but she didn't dig too deeply into the specifics, afraid it would force a too short leash. She wasn't about to box in the best detective on the force.
Not sure where to start, Beckett turned on her heels toward Gates, attempting to break the ice, "Where's Esposito and Ryan? I noticed they weren't in the bullpen."
"On a case. Sounds like an easy one, they should be back soon." Glad for the break, she stepped behind the desk as she talked, grabbing her planner and a spare notebook. "Please sit," she motioned, attempting to direct Beckett to the couch along the windows, "Let's chat about the plan."
Right. The plan. The plan Kate had proposed in a phone call yesterday. The first day she had finally thought about work. For the next week, Beckett would come in for a few hours in the afternoon, slowly increasing the timeline as her body allowed. She would handle the end of day and squad reports, related paperwork if a body dropped between noon and the graveyard crew. Gates would still handle the big meetings with 1PP, working back into her role there, and deal with mornings.
Prior to calling Gates yesterday, Kate had had two frank conversations, one with her physical therapist and the other with her doctor. They had both agreed that she just needed to show a little more progress, but that she could be cleared medically for desk duty. She may have threatened the doctor to leave off the pregnancy notes from her clearance paperwork. She wanted some semblance of normalcy in her job until she was restricted back to desk duty when she started showing. Physical therapy wasn't letting her anywhere near the field until she could comfortably lift her arm above her head. At yesterday's appointment, she had made the most progress, lifting her right shoulder a whole 100 degrees! Personally, she wanted to be doing chin- ups already, but she wasn't in charge. It had been the same way when she was recovering from her heart surgery. She had wanted to push, and the professionals had cautioned her against it. Except back then, she had pushed herself. The edges of her scar were still puckered and discolored from where she had torn it attempting a moderate kickboxing class before her body had been ready. As much as she wanted to push this time, she had to listen. She couldn't ruin this for Lily. Much to her chagrin, the pair of doctors had come up with a plan to ease back into things. And that was a start.
"Girl, how you been? And I don't mean with work. You haven't been down to see me in a while." Lanie asked, more to the room at large. She had made some flimsy excuse to come to Beckett's office. Right now she was just sitting sideways on the couch, pretending to read updates on her tablet, but really scanning the bullpen checking for Esposito. It was true, that Beckett hadn't been down to the morgue much. Her pregnant nose couldn't handle the overlapping and overwhelming waves the emanated from the place.
"Ugh… well…." Beckett hesitated, finishing off her signature on a report and slowly closing the folder. "Okay. Really." There was expectation in her response that she hoped was convincing, but knew better. This wasn't exactly the place or time for this discussion. That was what tonight was for.
The new 12 week ultrasound flashed in her mind. It was fresh from this morning, the first appointment of the day. Everything was looking good. Not necessarily a normally scheduled one, but this whole "high risk pregnancy" thing was forcing more appointments and more imaging. Not that Kate was complaining, she liked the control, liked having as much information as possible. Rick had purchased so many different "What To Expect" books that she would never have them all read by the time Lily actually came into the world. She had brought a copy of the ultrasound with her, tucking it into her top desk drawer. She knew her best friend should know sooner rather than later, if she hadn't figured it out already. She was feeling less confident by the day that nobody had figured it out yet. Her blouses had been getting looser and more flowy, her dress slacks a touch snug in the waist.
She had also apparently been doing a terrible job at hiding her constant snaking. Last Friday, Castle had stopped by the precinct to chat and invite everyone out for end of week drinks. He had commented on the pile of garbage snack wrappers from the vending machine. Kate had had no defense, the nausea was significantly less than it had been, she had not realized just how much she was answering when her hunger roared. Despite her protests, Castle had sent her to the office the next Monday morning with a box of healthier snacks to pick at instead, to the usual song and dance of "but people will figure it out", "tell them its to compensate for your spleen". People had started to notice, like Esposito's comment the other day - "Really?, apple slices" - or Karpowski's - "No afternoon coffee?"-, but then again, the excuses seemed to be working. But it wasn't so with Lanie, the only person Beckett knew who actually knew the purpose of the spleen, and that it wasn't technically part of the digestive system. Lanie had indeed noticed the puffiness, exhaustion, and constant snacking in her best friend. She had her suspicions, hence the loaded question she had just directed at Beckett.
Beckett finally gathered up the courage, "You know. I can answer that, just not here." Lanie perked up, twisting her body forward expectantly. "Seriously, come over." Kate continued.
Rick had plans all evening. He had been at meetings with Black Pawn and Gina all day, finally working back into his writing now that he was more healed, attempting to schedule release parties, press events, and the like. He was then headed out to dinner and poker with his writing buddies. Six weeks away from the outside world, and he was getting so antsy at home that Kate had practically kicked him out for the evening. Alexis and Martha were also away for the week, some kind of retreat. Kate would be blissfully alone. And she didn't need to tell Lanie twice.
"We'll order something on the way. I'll fill you in." she winked at Lanie, shutting off her computer and grabbing her blazer off the back of her chair.
Back at the loft, Lanie made herself comfortable on the barstools while Kate organized their Chinese take out containers onto the counters.
"I like the new floors." Lanie commented, swirling around in a slow circle to admire the new kitchen. She had been here after the contractor and decorator had finished, but she needed a conversation starter.
"Yeah. I do too." Kate added, handing Lanie reusable chop sticks. Small talk was good, better than just jumping right in.
"So, " Lanie hungrily stirred her food, "You going to tell me how you've been?"
"Mhmmm." A bit muffled, Kate's mouth full of sweet and sour chicken.
Lanie answered with her distinctive eyebrow raise and head tilt.
Kate could feel the sass. Small talk was over, indicating that it was now time to be direct. So she swallowed her bite, "I'm pregnant."
She expected Lanie to choke, cough, be startled, anything but what she actually did. Lanie burst out laughing, her high pitched squeal propelling her off the barstool and into a tight hug. "I knew it!"
"You knew?" Kate tried to push Lanie off, startled and disappointed that her ruse didn't seem to be working.
"I'm a trained medical professional. You thought I wouldn't notice?" Lanie finally pulled away, still grasping Kate's forearms. She tried to feign being wounded by Kate's lack of confidence, but the excitement overruled every other emotion.
Kate nodded incredulously.
"Okay, I've noticed little things. I had my suspicions, but still wanted you to tell me." Lanie added a little dance to her squeal, still gripping Kate's arms. "I could explain everything away, but I didn't like to. I'm so excited for you!" Her voice rising in octaves with each breath.
Kate stepped out of Lanie's reach and headed to her purse she had left on the hook by the door. She came back with a copy of the ultrasound photo.
"Oh my GOD!" Lanie squeal approached ear splitting and Kate winced a little. Lanie's voice softened as she cooed over the photo, "Oh Kate, so adorable. We are going to have so much fun."
"We?"
"Well of course. Aunt Lanie's got your back. Whatever this little ball of cuteness wants." Kate loved this version of Lanie. The soft, excitable, crooning woman who also knew where to stab to kill quick. The perfect aunt for Lily.
Now that Lanie knew, Kate figured it was only a matter of time before she had to tell the boys. She had sworn Lanie to secrecy, plied with a significant amount of wine last night. She had sent Lanie home around 11:30, both needing to get some sleep as it was still a week day. Kate had shot off a few texts to Castle as she showered, set out her clothes for the next day, and got comfortable on the couch. He kept bugging her about falling asleep on the couch, trying to convince her to just go lay down in bed, save everyone the trouble of having to wake her up. But she liked it; he was so sweet when he woke her up. He would slide up next to her on whatever couch real estate remained, massage her feet and ankles, moving up her calves while murmuring her name gently until she woke up. She would be awake as soon as he touched her, unable to tone down the cop instinct, but would keep her eyes closed until her sore muscles melted or she could tell he was getting tired. She liked the unasked for massages. It was the little things she loved the most about Rick. Plus she also liked sleeping on the couch, her core muscles often still sore after such long days. Except that early this morning, she had been completely asleep when he finally stumbled home. No massage, as she had startled awake as he had crashed into a barstool, giggling in his drunkenness around 2 am. She had managed to get him to bed with a few aspirin and a large glass of water before settling in next to him for the few remaining hours before her alarm.
No morning appointments, so Captain Beckett showed up at her usual 7:30 am, reusable mug of homemade coffee in hand. She wanted to beat the guys, set up their meeting before a body dropped or they got busy chasing down leads.
Esposito wandered in first around 8:30, a bit slow, donut in hand. Beckett wanted to get to him first, figuring that if Lanie hadn't talked to him about it yet, it wouldn't be long before her big mouth let it slip. Beckett was comfortable in her chair, wishing it could roll easily to the door of her office. She was still sore from physical therapy a few days ago when they had picked up the pace, started slow jogging and light lifting, things that used to be super easy but now were accomplishments.
From the door of her office, he sent a soft demand, "Hey Espo!", when he responded with silent eye contact she continued, "When Ryan gets in, I want to meet with both of you."
He finished off his bite of donut, adopting a slightly guilty look. Now that she had moved up the ladder, a simple conversation could feel like being called into the principal's office.
"Just a check in, nothing else." She added to calm his nerves.
Ryan was usually late to the precinct, still getting used to life with a newborn and a young toddler. Sarah Grace was reportedly a handful, not used to no longer being the center of attention, it being taken away by little Nick, a few months old now. When there wasn't an active body, Ryan was in charge of organizing Sarah Grace to take the load off Jenny. He finally wandered in, harrowed eyes, no jacket and spit up on his shoulder around 9:15. Beckett couldn't hear the conversation, but his tired eyes quickly expanded as she assumed Espo told him about their planned meeting. She enjoyed the show both of them performed, checking their expressions, making sure they were professional enough for whatever she wanted to talk about as they ambled to her office door. As they approached, she pretended to be engrossed in an open folder on her desk.
Espo knocked on the door jamb, "You asked for a meeting, Captain?"
"Yes I did. Gentlemen, go ahead, sit down."
They still looked awkward as they settled into the uncomfortable chairs facing the desk.
"Espo, did you talk to Lanie at all last night?" She figured she would start off with a more personal question, let them know this was not a work related meeting.
"Uhmmm, no." This had thrown him off. She was a trained interrogator after all, but she hadn't expected him to fold this easily.
"Good. That will make this more fun then." She added with a small smile. She was really throwing them off now, with Ryan's exhausted face giving way to squeezed eyebrows of confusion.
"I'll just start. Gentlemen, I know you picked up a lot of my slack when I was gone. And for that I thank you and owe you." The boys nodded solemnly. Used to dead bodies and bloody scenes, they both still had nightmares of their Captain bleeding out on her own kitchen floor. No amount of free drinks at The Old Haunt and poker nights could erase those images anytime soon. In addition, there was just a little bit of resentment that they had stayed to continue working, while Castle and Beckett went off to recover at their beach house. It would be a while before everything was squared away back to their own relationship dynamic.
Beckett continued, "So I hate to throw some more at you. But in the next few months, I won't be doing much out-in-the-field work as you might be used to, or that you might expect."
Both guys deepen their confused looks. Of course she couldn't go out in the field, she was still working on recovering and they both knew that. It had taken her months after her heart surgery before she was allowed out, so this wasn't new information.
"O…kay." Espo was brave enough venture an answer.
Why was she nervous? Everyone close to her knew, why would telling these men in front of her make her nervous? They were like her brothers, a beautiful mix of protecting her quietly from miscreants and Castle's early bad deeds like older brothers, while also following along, respecting her superiority as younger brothers. So why should she be nervous telling them? How do brothers react when their sister turns out to be pregnant? The only way to find out was to just keep talking.
"Espo, what do you think about being an uncle?" She figured a more indirect route would work better to introduce the news, instead of just jumping feet first.
Esposito gave Ryan a friendly elbow jab, "It's awesome really! The little rugrats are so freakin' cute!"
"Especially when you don't change diapers or have middle of the night scream fests." Ryan mumbled.
For a second her anxiety spiked, picturing that one disastrous night her and Castle had had with Cosmo, the lost baby from a case years ago. What had she gotten herself into? She wasn't ready for that kind of future yet. Too late now. "Well. You'll be a uncle again. Both of you actually." She paused for dramatic effect, hoping they picked up what she actually meant this time.
"What?" Ryan returned, clearly the new parent brain fog slowing down his reasoning. Beckett swore she could see the wheels turning, wondering who in their circle of friends was introducing a new arrival, as Espo gave him a 'are you stupid' look
Espo couldn't handle Ryan's slowness, "She's the one making us uncles. Her and Castle. Little Castle babies."
"Ohhhhh," Ryan blushed, the cogs finally clicking into place. Both men looked back at Beckett expectantly, a little excitement shaking their shoulders. "Geez finally!" She just nodded with a soft smile as confirmation as she held up the ultrasound photos as confirmation. Now everyone knew. As the boys left the office, she notices them do their traditional "feed the birds" gesture. She suspected there was a pool going on revolving around 'little Castle babies'. She wouldn't get into it right now. But she would pay into the baby pool when someone started it. She would spike the pot, already knowing it was a girl.