Chapter 11

Brittany's POV

It's new year's eve.

Glee club is having a hang out at Quinn's. Uhm, I mean Quinn's and my house… or I could just call it my home too, I guess.

I also sort of made a whole surprise date for Santana. The date is planned to finish before the clock will strike twelve… It's a special date. Or at least it's an extra special date in my perspective. It's a thank you date…She has done so much for me… I am forever grateful she came onto my path, holding my hand when I needed her. Giving me space when I asked. She's just… amazing.

I really couldn't wish for a more beautiful girlfriend… beautiful inside and outside. She's everything my heart could ever desire in a significant other. It's wonderful.

It isn't easy. My journey. It's been a hard one… I still think of Susan and Jack often. It's still a hard story. The words they kept reminding me off … they're still a big windmill in my head, turning around like crazy sometimes. But… I'm starting to get there. I've created other windmills in my head too, far more healthier ones.

I found a very nice therapist. She's helped me through a lot. Talking things through, help. Making sense of your own thoughts are a great skill to have. Taking care of yourself … it's the most cliché, but good advice.

Nowadays she really helps me to understand my own thinking patterns, processing how they work, how they've been 'misprogrammed' by my parents … insight in your own mind and behaviour can be so helpful, it's indescribable… Last session was a bit lighter though. I couldn't stop rambling about how amazing Santana has been for me. It's part of why I came up with this idea.

Santana even came with me, one session. The main reason was because of getting to explain myself better, but … it helped her get through that last bit of her guilt too. I've told her a thousand times it isn't her responsibility, but I get it. People are stubborn. Lord Tubbington is easier to persuade to not eat something, then getting a person to really listen to an opinion that's opposite of theirs. So I'm glad. I'm glad she listened. I'm glad she listens to me. A lot of small waves can wash away a big problem, if enough waves have passed to have impact. I hope I've given her some small waves, providing her a gentle push towards feeling more guiltfree again. And I've got the feeling she's getting there… at her own pace.

Hopefully the same counts for me… See, the fact I'm even allowing myself to wish that for myself … really big progress.

So anyway. Back to my surprise date. I know she's not the biggest fan of the plan for tonight, meeting up with the whole group and all that. Though she is starting to warm up to most people in Glee club, it's not her preferred company at new year's eve. New Year's is overrated anyway. It's just a night like all others. Why are people suddenly crazy enough to drink and celebrate when the clock turns to the number twelve? It's ridiculous if you think about it.

Anyway… I made a plan. A huge plan, with lots of possibilities of things going wrong, but I made sure that chance is very very small.

The first step in my date, is having a nice evening meal with her parents. I made sure they were both at home in the evening. Every New Year, her father works throughout the day, doing a shift longer than 24 hours. However, I made him a suggestion, because isn't it crazy anyway he's doing such a long shift, just because it's so busy during that period of time? He's not superman. I get it's a really busy night at the ER, but come on, he is longing to a nice meal with his family just as much as Santana. Plus, nobody can keep his full attention for so long! So … I offered to take a three hour break, eating a meal with his family… maybe taking a small nap too. In that way, he can be there for all the trouble people have, just before and after the new year has officially begun.

I was relieved that he was easily convinced of my proposition. Only one suggestion and he was already on board with the plan. He just … he has a really big sense of responsibility, without any restrictions. It's a character trait I can see in Santana too. It's a dangerous one to not let yourself burn out. I truly think he needs to work on that a bit. Feeling responsibility is important, but you can't let it drown you… though I don't think it's my place to talk to him about it… I'm sure Maribel takes care of that. I'll do the same for Santana. We're good at that. Being honest to each other about our worries and what not.

So the convincing part was easy. I made sure I cooked Santana's favourite meal … though Maribel did the most of it. She did let me help for some things, so it's not like I did nothing! … It's amazing how Maribel makes me feel more loved then my own mother ever did. I look up to her as a mother, just like she looks at me as if I am her own daughter. I come over at their house a lot of times. Like a lot a lot…

So, the plan: before we have a meal with her parents, she has a small scavenger hunt to go through. I made small sticky notes everywhere around her house. Her task is to find them. Every one of them has something written about what I love about her. Whether it's about physical features, character traits or just small things she does. I've written them down. I stopped myself at 50, because making small notes take a lot of time, and there were a lot of other things I still needed to do at the time in preparation. I could have gone on forever though.

When she'll find the 50th one (I didn't found fifty spots to hide them, I figured I would've never remembered them, so I put five sticky notes per place. Hoping I'll remember at least those ten places!). So, if she's at the 10th place (below her pillow), she'll find a small present. I made her a lucky charm bracelet. Made the charm myself at Burt's place. It took me a while. A car shop isn't really the most equipped place to make small things, but I managed.

I made a songbird with a claver four in its mouth. In the songbird I engraved our initials, plus a music note just because. I really hope she'll like it… If she doesn't like it as a necklace, I could definitely change it in a bracelet. Or maybe a small keychain. I don't know, we'll see.

Okay. Meal with parents, check. Scavenger hunt, check. Backya… ow wait. I should plan like ten minutes for some make out time, before supper with the parents. If she wants that of course … I hope so … nah I think so. It depends on what she thinks of the present though. So anyway, ten minutes for … whatever.

When we will be finished eating, I've planned to go the backyard… lay on a picknick blanket for a while. If all is planned well, a drone show will happen. I made a small program for a few drones to fly in the sky and make like a small light show, together with a banner getting held up in the air with the letters 'I love you Santana Lopez' on them.

Normally drones are not allowed to fly higher than your own roof, but I made a deal with some local police men (I think they feel like they owe me some … which they do) that the drones can fly a bit higher. The whole neighbourhood should be able to see the banner. It's like my most literal expression of shouting my love for her from the rooftops. I know it took me quite a while to tell her 'I love you' in a single sentence. She was so patient with me. It made me love her even more. It's just, so nice to get her understanding me … needing time for stuff. She's so patient with me.

Anyway, it took a while to figure the drone thing out. It just … I suddenly thought that would be awesome, and Lord Tubbington really thought it was a great idea. So yeah, it wasn't easy to hide this from San, but I did. It took a while though … a loooong while to make a good program. Luckily I've had some help from Kevin, a young police man who's specialised in drones.

To be fair, he did most of the work. I mostly painted the banner. But … it's the effort that counts right? Anyhow, I hope she'll see that I made that effort for making her night amazing… just because.

Just because I love her, I respect her, I am grateful for her, … I really want her to see what kind of amazing woman she is.

In such wise, that concludes the three main things planned. After that, it'll be already close to twelve. I'll give her the choice to what we'll do then. Or we stick at her house, staying the night over. Or we can go back to Quinn and my house, starting the new year with our friends… I'm 99% sure she'll choose to hang out alone … We see each other enough already at school and stuff. One on one dates with her are kind of a precious thing. We cherish those moments as much as possible.

But, if she chooses to go to the group, I wouldn't mind going over to my house either. Yeah, you heard right. I'm really starting to consciously say it's my house now too.

Charlotte only needed a week before she was completely settled in. Some nights she still wakes up from incredibly truthful nightmares. Memories I think. I'm so happy she still has a lot of growing up to do. She can fill up her mind with so many more happy memories, which will hopefully easily overwin the bad ones. Luckily, besides the nightmares, she's doing very good. Went to that traumaperson a few more times, before equally deciding it's okay to stop. If she wants to talk about something that bothers her, she always comes to me now. Quinn too. But if it's about the bad stuff … she knows I can relate, and she knows I'll always listen to her. She never has to be afraid to say something that'll feel like too much for me or something.

We both found so much support in each other. I don't talk to her about my traumas, I don't think that's the right thing to do, but I listen to hers. I listen and I confirm or deny what happened, working through the process of letting them go.

I know she's only eight. But I went to her trauma coach ones. I was relieved to hear she didn't realise what was going on in our household … up until a few months ago. I was stunned to apprehend she really put two and two together, somewhere at the beginning of this school year or something. Apparently she started to see some signals. Both from me and our parents. I felt I had a big part of that blame, even though people say I don't. But I was desperately trying to keep her safe from it. The coach told me afterwards that I did a good job. She does remember bad stuff (without thinking it was a daily affair for me), but her main focus was me being her rock and support. As long as I was with her in that house, it didn't feel like the nightmare it felt for me. That statement from her coach … It made me love her so much more… Not that that was even possible.

I'm really happy we have each other. She always calls us Elsa and Anna. They protect each other. And she does. She reminds me of my childlike part of me. She reminds me of my innocence. She reminds me that biological parents don't always have to mean the world. She easily wrapped Judy and Quinn around her fingers. Recently she even started calling Judy mom. I saw tears forming in Judy's eyes at that moment.

At first she looked at me. It was like she was asking my permission if I was okay with that situation… Of course I was! I'm so grateful Charlie gets a second chance in life, a normal chance of going through middle and high school, without needing to worry if a brutal beating or a storm of words that makes you bow to your knees, is waiting for her at home. I'm forever grateful that Judy took her in. I'm also so happy Quinn is 100% on board. We've created a more sisterly band by now, even though our foundation is still based on friendship. But Quinn and Charlie? They can banter like only true sisters can do. It's wonderful to see. Though Santana did mention the other night that Quinn and I are experts at sisterly bickering too… I guess she feels more like a sister to me with each passing day…

Next to Quinn becoming my best friend (since Santana is my girlfriend plus bestest friend), Mike took a more important place in my life too. He was always close to my heart … bringing me lightness through his dancing when I was younger. But we were never really that close. I never allowed us to be, if I'm honest. We didn't know each other that well, if it all came down to it. That's not always a necessity you know. Even if it's about someone you've known your whole life, seeing them as your brother or sister … People grow. People change every day. If your foundation of friendship is solid, then it's okay at some level. You know you'll always have each other back … but saying you truly know each other? That's sometimes a completely different story.

Therefore, Mike and I started talking more again. Started dancing together a lot more too. Mike and Tina are over their honeymoon faze, and Mike's a wise guy, but frankly, he's still a boy. Sometimes he's in desperate advise from someone like me. Besides Santana, he's one of the only people who also gets what I'm saying if I'm talking in my own language. Unicorns and Lord Tubbington don't mind him. He realised that if you just listen close enough, you can find out which peace of wisdom I want to share. I'm glad to have him. He's an awesome brother to me.

And then Santana. Oh Santana.

Is there a stronger word than being in love with someone? If so, that's what I feel. Hence this whole date idea. I'm sort of happy it'll finally be over. These last few weeks I've been planning a lot of it, and she started to get really suspicious. I understand. I would be suspicious at myself if I didn't know what I was doing. But she trusts me. She knows it's not a bad thing I'm hiding from her anymore.

I've told her about some snippets from my childhood. But it's so hard. Every time I tell something, I see the sadness in her eyes. It's almost like it hurts her to hear what I'm saying, even though she's always such a great listener. In some way it's a bit healing too. Seeing her unbelievable looks and sadness from those situations, it's making me realise more and more that maybe I didn't deserve those things. Maybe I shouldn't feel insecure about myself. And maybe I am more than good enough for her… I sure hope so.

The evening I've let her inspect my back was one of the most heavy nights we've had together. Susan and Jack didn't really left that much visible battle scars on me. I mean, they left more than enough, but for the amount of hurt … it's not really in contrast with what's visible.

I know she knows that. But I understand it's even more confronting for her to visually see the effect they had on me. And my back … that night was extreme, even for them. I didn't look at my back before I allowed her to see it first. She almost had a mental breakdown about it. Just repeating over and over how unfair the world is. Some wouldn't really understand that she was the one with a breakdown that moment, but I do.

I've already had the memory from the time it happened. I already went through the situation… When she saw my back and the scars that were left, that's the moment she went through the hurt and pain. She's so compassionate. It's unbelievable. Nevertheless, she doesn't nurture me. She feels bad for me it happened, but she can look at me without drowning in compassion and thinking I'm too fragile.

That's a keyword. We're both fragile, but we're both evenly strong. I appreciate that so much. Only her, her mother Maribel, Quinn and Charlotte look at me, where I can't see a glimpse of fear that I'm broken. It's nice. Even Victor, the new fatherfigure in my life, is handling so carefully around me. I know it's out of love, I know it's out of care. But I'm not that fragile! I am not that fragile. I can handle my own! … I forgive him though, he's such a papa bear.

But the being treated like glass thing… Santana knows I hate it. Boy does she know. I adore that. She still gets her moments though, like sometimes when we have fights. Suddenly she's so afraid to bring me back to old times. Like something would trigger me in a bad way. But even then, when Snixx comes out … I so appreciate she's being her authentic self. She's not backing down if she wants something and I want the complete opposite. There's not an ounce of hesitation in her if we fight. She doesn't realise how much I appreciate that…

Even when we're alone, in bed, doing adult stuff. At first she was so so hesitant. Treating me like I was made of glass. It frustrated me. In the beginning, that was what I needed. I really did need careful. But at one point, if you get handled like glass … only the look they give you, can make you feel like you've fallen apart in a thousand pieces. What people expect of you, can make you behave like those expectations … even when that's not what you're feeling… But in time, they learn. Santana learned. I made her learn. I promised her that I would really tell her if she was being too aggressive, or too rough. It took some time for her to follow that. But she did, with time and experience.

Sometimes I wish people didn't know what happened to me. Judy, Quinns mom, is so afraid to tell me if I did something wrong. For example, Quinn and I do have a sort of curfew. Which I get. We're still children (in age). And one day I was late. Like two hours. And she just … she wasn't even mad! Quinn was so jealous, wishing she could get that reaction too. But I tried to tell her, it's not to be jealous of. I'm actually jealous of Quinn. And I understand. I'm not the only one needing time to heal over this thing. I just hope people realise sooner than later that … even though I'm still struggling with my past … doesn't mean I can't handle the present. It's two different parts in my head. I don't need to be nurtured like a victim all the time.

So yeah, if people would ask me how I am, and I answer honestly? I'd say I'm getting there. I'm grateful for the people by my side, I'm grateful for my own strength. And most of all, I'm in control of my own journey. I'm making my own path on the way. I'll get there.

And it just happens to be a big plus point to have someone like Santana by my side.

…

She loved the date by the way. Absolutely adored me for it. Told me she loved me back a thousand times. I even saw some tears in her eyes. And let me tell you, it takes a lot to make thé Santana Lopez cry. We've stayed laying outside until the clock passed the hour one. It was the most light-hearted we've felt in a really long time.

It was such a peaceful moment. Peaceful because it was just the two of us there. Peaceful because of the quietness. Peaceful because of feeling so safe next to each other. And peaceful because we've settled down our love for each other in stone… Did that with words, gestures, looks and just being there for each other. If soulmates do exists, then I'm pretty damn lucky to have met mine this early in life already.

Next morning – Santana's room

Whilst I see Santana lying next to me, after some sweet sweet lady love making, I'm trying to think. I'll need time. I can't change my perspective in one day. This is going to take a lot of me. And I don't know yet how I'll win this battle completely, but with Santana my side, I think I'll be all right.

… Yeah, I think I will try to win this. I think she might be right. Maybe my heart do feels pain. But my soul and core don't need to be equal to what my heart says. Hearts can be misinterpreted. Maybe my 'heart' isn't telling me all the right things. Maybe I'm defining some things wrong. I think .. I think I'm starting to see that I didn't deserve what my parents did to me. My heart - or better yet, me thinking that my heart says that - is wrong about that. I am not a dark person. It's only my mind that wants me to believe that… And I do … I do deserve someone as Santana by my side. I really really do.

I'm so going to marry this girl someday!

Santana's POV

I wake up, blindlessly feeling around for Britt's hand, before realising her side of the bed is empty. That sucks, I wanted to thank her in a great morning gesture for her date yesterday. Can you believe what she did?

First, she lets my heart melt 50 times with her sweet rhymes and quirks she likes about me. Then she made me have dinner with my parents, the first time in four years we had dinner together on New Year's eve! And then … she made a banner with 'I love you' on it for the whole neighbourhood to see?! Come on, this is the girl who was too afraid to whisper 'I love you' in the darkness towards me a few months ago, and now this? My heart just … I don't know… exploded? Melted? Beat a millions times per minute? …I don't even know.

God I love her. I'm so happy she seems to get a little better during these past few weeks. I knew her problems wouldn't go away in a day, but it's so hard to see someone close to you suffer. I want to help her so bad, but I don't always know how. The only answer I get from her is that me being by her side is already more than enough. After a while I finally got it. I understand what she's trying to say now. Standing next to her, even if it's just as support … it really can help… I get it know, because it's the same for me. Her just being near me … it means the world.

Ugh, getting up. The worst chore ever! I peek one eye open, looking around my room to see if Britt's still here. Guess not. I quickly take my robe to walk downstair to see … something wonderful.

Its Brittany, dancing along with the radio, looking almost carefree in the moment. I can't resist giving out a small laugh, gaining her attention.

There's a small stumble in her movements, startled by my presence. She gives me an amused look. "What are you laughing at?"

I shrug. "I don't know really, didn't expect to see this vision in my kitchen."

She waltzes towards me taking me in her arms, letting me dance with her on the beat of the drums.

A belly laugh escapes from deep within my throat. "What's gotten into you Britt?"

She gives me a small peck before answering. "Nothing, I just … It's been a while since I authentically felt this feeling ... I'm ... I feel …happy."

The End (minus the Epilogue)

Hey everyone, if you've made it to the end of this story, thank you! I hope you enjoyed it. I'm actually really curious what you thought of this story. Did you hate it? Liked it? More neutral? Where there things you hoped went differently? Feel free to review or PM me, I'd love to hear your opinions. If not, that's okay too :-).

Thank you all for taking the time to read this, also thank you for the people who favorited and followed the story! Also special thanks for the people who gave me my first reviews on a story, I appreciated it a lot (Flmagic11, Marie RieRie England, ellieellie 1 and Garyk13)!

Anyway, hope you liked and enjoyed reading it! Have a nice week!