Lily had thought that nothing she could see would be worse than what she had been imagining. Now, however, she was inclined to change her mind.
James was not entirely unconscious. His eyes were closed, but his body was tense, his mouth quivering slightly and his breathing laboured. The pain seemed to keep him out of full consciousness, yet it also seemed to prevent him from drifting off.
Remus Lupin was sitting in a chair by his bed, looking as pale as Lily had ever seen him. When she entered the room, he had surprised her in the way he had been leaning forward, whispering to James, one hand resting on James' shoulder, the other holding his hand. Remus wasn't one to initiate physical affection, and the sight of his gentle hands resting on her husband frightened Lily, because it was all wrong. James, Remus, everything.
'Lily,' Remus said softly. He sat up straight, but Lily noted he did not let go of James' hand.
'What's wrong with him?' Lily managed to ask. It was hardly an appropriate way to phrase her question, but it was the best she could do.
She took the chair on James' other side. It felt good to sit down, she didn't know how much longer she could have stayed on her feet.
'Wait,' Remus said, then he leaned forward once more, speaking gently to James: 'Prongs, old friend, Lily is here to see you. She's going to squeeze your hand now.'
He looked over at Lily. She carefully took James' other hand in hers, and squeezed it gently. She wouldn't go as far as to say he returned it, but she could feel his hand twitching in hers.
Lily's eyes had already been burning, and she let her tears fall as she leaned forward as well. With her other hand she freed some hair that had gotten plastered to his forehead and then she let her fingers gently caress his damp and pale face.
'Hey love,' she said quietly. 'You just fight, okay? The Healers will do the rest, and we - we will be there with you, every step of the way. Do you hear me? Just don't give up on us.' All of us.
Lily had to pause as she fought her emotions. Crying was one thing, sobbing her heart out - if James really could hear her - was another. She leaned back in her chair, closing her eyes, but she never let go of James' hand.
When she opened her eyes, she looked over at Remus, who had sat quietly, observing her. He also had not let go of James, and Lily realised how much of a lifeline her husband was to both of them. Remus' eyes were hollow in his grief and fear, and she thought she saw guilt too. She suspected he wanted to be strong for her, but he couldn't. And she didn't mind. He was strong for James, and that was all that mattered.
'It's not the Cruciatus curse?' she finally asked, knowing she wasn't prepared to hear an answer in the confirmative, and yet unable to keep herself from asking.
'No,' Remus said, but he seemed almost doubtful. Perhaps catching himself, he added: 'No, it's not. Sirius insisted that it was some other curse. It struck James and he just... collapsed.'
'And Sirius?' Lily asked.
Maybe not knowing was still worse. Now that she saw James, she knew that nobody had lied to her: he was alive. Not well, but alive. But seeing him like this begged the question of where his best friend was. Sirius would never leave James like this. Not unless he had no choice.
'He's alright. Peter is with him. He was in a rough shape... his knee... well, shattered doesn't quite cover it,' Remus said, his voice tense. 'But the Healers have dealt with worse. It's Skele-Gro and bedrest for him, that's it. Peter is really with him to make sure he doesn't leave his bed to come here.'
Remus' tone lightened slightly as he was talking. For a moment, they could both pretend this was just business as usual, trying, and mostly failing, at keeping Sirius and James apart. But it didn't take long for James' shallow, laboured breathing to crudely break the illusion.
'Sirius blames himself, you know?' Remus said.
'I would be more surprised if he didn't,' Lily said, adding hastily: 'I mean, he has no reason to, but James would have done the same, if the roles had been reversed.'
'And you?' Remus asked, his voice careful. He knew, of course, that she was meant to have been there with Sirius and James and-
'Gideon and Fabian!' Lily nearly shouted. James made a sound somewhere between a whimper and a groan, and Lily mentally cursed herself for having been so loud.
'Fabian escaped without so much as a scratch,' Remus said after a short break where they had both been observing James.
'Gideon, however, was not so lucky... He was... Well... he might even be doing better than James, it's hard to tell at the moment,' Remus furrowed his eyebrows.
'Not really a competition,' Lily muttered.
'Quite,' Remus agreed. Then something seemed to relent in him, and he sighed:
'He was subject to the Cruciatus curse.'
Lily shuddered, but now that Remus had started talking, he seemed to want to get the full story of his chest:
'From what I've been able to understand, Gideon was caught, but because Gideon is Gideon, he managed to turn the table around and provide the distraction Fabian needed to get to Moody and get reinforcement. They had both realised, of course, that something was fundamentally wrong - and the danger that Sirius and James must have been in. By all accounts, their joint efforts saved James and Sirius' lives, but Fabian is beside himself with guilt. Not that he regrets any of his actions. He knows that because of what he did, everyone has a fighting chance.'
Lily looked down at James' hand, resting in her own. A fighting chance, that was James and Gideon's situations right now. Her husband had a fighting chance to recover. And for this, she knew she had to be grateful.
'Were you part of the reinforcements?' Lily asked, her voice small as she tried to fight even more tears. This time from anger. It was hard to be grateful when her beloved James was in so much pain, and there was nothing she could do.
'Yes, me and Peter both,' Remus said, his face darkening. 'There was quite a few of us. It was an easy fight by the time we arrived.'
Yet how must he and Peter have felt, Lily thought. From everything Remus had been saying, it seemed clear to Lily that Sirius and James must already have been injured when they arrived. She could picture it, arriving on the scene, Sirius and James both on the ground. If Sirius was still conscious, he would have fought to keep himself alive - to keep James alive. And James... hit by this unknown curse, he must have looked dead to anyone who just apparated straight into the heat of the moment. You wouldn't have time to stop and check, Lily knew that from her own experience.
It must have been hell. It was hell just thinking about it. For some time, the man that sat opposite her had only been able to rely on hope and faith that one of his best friends was still alive. It had seemed hard of Dumbledore to wake her with the words he had, but at least she had known from the start that James was alive.
'Remus, I am so sorry, and so so thankful,' she whispered.
'Don't be. I deserve neither your sympathies nor your praise. James is your husband, and one of my closest friend, and our fellow Order member. I would always have fought. I am just so relieved you weren't there. I am not sure Fabian would have left you, and that would have had far more serious consequences.'
Lily didn't know what to say.
The morning's events were starting to sink in. The adrenaline and shock was leaving her, the sugar was unable to sustain her much longer and she was so tired. But she couldn't leave her husband. Not like this.
'You're not feeling guilty, are you?' Remus asked, having studied her face.
'No,' Lily shook her head.
Remus was right, Gideon might be struggling with the after-effects of torture, but there was no guarantee that she and Fabian would have survived if Fabian had stayed to try and save her - and James and Sirius certainly wouldn't have made it.
'I am serious, Remus,' she added. 'I am done feeling guilty about what isn't - what have never been - our fault. This is not Sirius, Gideon or Fabian's doing. Or James'. In my darker moments I might be tempted to lay some of the blame on Dumbledore or Moody for having gotten this so wrong... but it's not their fault either. It's Lord Voldemort and it's the Death Eaters.'
And, Lily thought darkly, a likely spy in our Order. Amongst those she counted her friends, there might a traitor.
Unable to do anything about that, she looked down at James again, and her anger was directed towards something she could deal with:
'Why are we here, Remus?'
'Sorry?'
'Why aren't we being thrown out whilst these bloody Healers do something to fix him? Why is he just lying here in pain?!' Her voice had been steadily increasing but she caught herself just in time, and nearly whispered the last word. James seemed sensitive to loud noises and she didn't want to do anything that could hurt him.
'They have been working on him for hours, Lily.' Remus said, his voice tired. 'James wasn't in any immediate danger of - of... getting worse, and you were unwell, so Dumbledore decided to let you get a decent amount of sleep, knowing that it was going to be a lot harder for you to rest once you learned what had happened.'
Lily wanted to scream at Remus that it was not Dumbledore's business to decide any of this, but James was here. She had vowed to keep her voice down. Besides, she knew that an argument between his wife and one of his closest friends was far from what James would have wanted.
After a break, Lily checked herself: 'I am so sorry Remus, I've not been thinking clearly. You must be exhausted.'
Remus must have been here, at St Mungo's, for most of the time Lily had been sleeping and with Dumbledore. He had fought, then he had waited and finally he had comforted her husband to the best of his ability.
'There's not much I can do in a couple of weeks, so I better be useful while I still can,' Remus said, with forced cheerfulness, clearly thinking about the full moon.
Again, a silence fell upon the room, and Lily found herself stroking James' hand.
After a while, Remus seemed to frown: 'you know what? They said to wait a while to see if some of the potions would take any effect, but they haven't, have they?'
Lily had no idea how James had been when he was brought in, so she had to take Remus' words for it.
'I'll go and speak to the Healers about this,' Remus offered.
'Don't,' Lily said, letting go of her husband's hand. 'I'll do it. I am his wife, and I am going to let them know that they better do more for my husband than this rub-'
Here Lily had to stop. She had gotten up, and suddenly the world seemed to turn on its head. Lily gasped as she used the bed to support herself. Suddenly, Remus' arms were around her, and he helped her back into her chair.
'You're still unwell, aren't you?' Remus asked as he knelt down beside her.
Lily rested her head on his shoulder, so as to avoid looking at him, and also, she realised, because she was so so tired. Had she ever been this tired before? She wasn't sure.
She nodded in response to his question, rubbing her face on his shoulder.
'Do you need me to find a Healer - for you, I mean?'
She should probably see someone, soon. But she didn't want a Healer to find her in James' room, only to learn that his wife was pregnant. And she didn't want Remus to know. Not yet.
Still, Lily felt a new responsibility towards herself and her wellbeing. She needed to take care of her body for her child sake, and for James'. He was going to get through this, and then they were going to start a family.
'I can't leave him, Remus. He needs me... But I can't - I am not well enough - I need to rest.' She tried to speak as quiet as possible, scared James would hear her.
Remus' neck was wet with fresh tears. He let her cry until her quiet sobs started to subside.
'Come on,' he said, 'I am taking you home. Then I am seeing a Healer about James. I'll make sure they get your message about doing better. And I'll stay with James to make sure they take action. You just - rest.'
A/N:
A non-chapter specific note: I obviously don't know whether Lily and James would usually use Voldy's name, but as both Sirius and Remus regularly used Voldemort in the books, not you-know-who, I find it hard to believe Lily and James would use you-know-who.