"Okay, next card," said Harry, taking the next black card. "'Hey guys, welcome to Boston Pizza! Would you like to start the night off right with _?'"
"Well, that sounds tame," said Ron. "How could we possibly ruin it?"
"Like this," said Ginny, playing her card.
"Or this," said Hermione, playing hers.
"Of course you ruin it," said Neville.
"Hey, I'm not complaining," said Harry, as the remaining cards were played. "So, the first way we're starting off the night is…'Sitting on my face and telling me I'm garbage'."
"Way ahead of you," said Ginny.
"I did not need to hear that," said Ron.
"Okay, next up…" said Harry, drawing the next card. "'My sex dungeon'."
"I'm sensing a theme here," said Luna.
"Of course, someone will probably ruin that theme," said Harry, drawing the next card. "Yep, there it is. 'The inevitable heat death of the universe'."
"How many people start off the evening like that?" asked Ron.
"I'm guessing everyone who goes to the Restaurant at the End of the Universe," said Hermione.
"That's a thing?" asked Ron.
"Hermione, you do realise that none of them would have read that book, right?" asked Harry.
"Honestly, I'm just surprised you have," said Hermione.
"The fuck are they talking about?" asked Neville.
"I have no idea," said Luna.
"Okay, next card," said Harry, picking up the next answer. "'Cheesy crunchies'."
"BOO! Boring," said Ginny.
"Hey, maybe they want to start of the night with food," said Ron.
"Found Ron's card," said Ginny.
"Okay, last way to start off the evening," said Harry, grabbing the last card. "'A fun, sexy time at the nude beach'."
"Brought it back to sex, I see," said Neville. "So, who wins Harry?"
"I think the sex dungeon sounds the funniest," said Harry. "I'll go with that."
"Finally, another point," said Ginny. "Guess it's my turn then."
"Okay, what have you got for us?" asked Ron.
"'Everyone is staring at you because you're _'," read Ginny.
"Hmm…" thought Ron out loud. "Well, I'm not winning this round." Ron immediately picked out a card and played it.
"Didn't have any good cards for this question?" asked Neville.
"No, I'm just playing a very dark one," said Ron.
"And I've got a very perverted one," said Hermione, playing hers.
"Mine's just disgusting," said Neville.
"Well, I was torn between two cards, but I think I'll go with the not evil one now," said Harry, playing his card.
"You're not gonna comment on your card Luna?" asked Ginny.
"I thought we weren't hinting at what our cards were?" asked Luna.
"Well, too bad, we're about to figure out what we all played," said Neville.
"Speaking of which, how about we start our guessing?" asked Ron.
"Sure thing," said Ginny, picking up the first card. "Okay, I'm guessing this is Harry: 'Blossoming into a beautiful young woman'."
"Even if it wasn't, I'd still like to claim credit for it," said Harry.
"Suck up," muttered Ron, as Ginny drew the next card.
"Okay…Luna's, I think?" said Ginny. "'Nothing but sand'."
"Well, it doesn't fit any of our descriptions," said Hermione.
"Which is why I'm hesitating to pick up the next card," said Ginny, before sighing and picking it up anyway. "Alright, this'll be Hermione's: 'Fucking the weatherman on live television'."
"I didn't know Harry was a weatherman," said Luna.
"If he's not, Rita Skeeter's going to have a fucking field day," said Ron, as Ginny drew the next card.
"This'll be Neville's," said Ginny. "'Running naked through a mall, pissing and shitting everywhere'."
"That's just straight up unhygienic," said Hermione.
"Sadly, that describes most of my cards," said Neville.
"Not sure if that's something to look forward to or not," said Ginny.
"Trust me, it's not," said Neville.
"Well, in any case, let's see what Ron said," said Ginny, picking up the last card. "Good God, he wasn't kidding."
"I'm not going to make you read it if you don't want to," said Ron.
"I feel like I should read this, so everyone knows how horrible of a person you are," said Ginny, reading the card. "'Strangling a dog to make a point to the audience'."
"Good God Ron, what did Sirius ever do to you?" asked Hermione.
"Well, he did break my leg," said Ron.
"I'm not sure if I should give it to that one or not," said Ginny. "On the other hand, my second choice is the blossoming into a beautiful woman card, and that's just too wholesome for this game, so I'll give it to Ron."
"Excellent choice," said Ron, claiming the point. "Who's ready for my question?"
"Bring it on," said Neville.
"Okay, here goes," said Ron, reading his question. "'What did I bring back from Amsterdam?'"
"Is anyone planning to be more original than just 'drugs'?" asked Harry.
"No," said Neville, playing his card.
"Yes," said Luna, playing her card. "Thought admittedly, my card isn't that funny."
"Don't worry, mine will make up for it," said Ginny, playing hers.
"Okay, let's see what you've got for me," said Ron, picking up the first card. "'Ice'. I think we found Neville's."
"You don't know that," said Neville.
"But it almost certainly is," said Ron, picking up the next card. "'Ebola'. Isn't that that thing the muggles were worried about recently?"
"No, that was COVID," said Hermione.
"Probably wasn't that much of a problem, was it?" asked Ron.
"People died, Ron," said Ginny.
"You mean like with every other sickness?" asked Ron, causing great sighs of exasperation from the others. "Okay, what's next?"
"Hopefully something smarter than what you've been talking about," said Neville.
"Let's see then," said Ron, reading the next card. "'Tom Cruise'. Who?"
"An actor," said Hermione. "Been in a lot of action films."
"Isn't he also a part of that fake religion?" asked Ginny.
"Surprised you know about that," said Hermione.
"Well, next card," said Ron, picking it up. "'Stockholm Syndrome'. Wait, isn't that in Sweden? Why would I get that from Amsterdam?"
"That's not what Stockholm Syndrome is," said Hermione. "Stockholm Syndrome is that thing where you get attached to your kidnappers."
"Why would your kidnappers want you sewn onto their bodies?" asked Ron.
"Not even close Ron, not even close," muttered Hermione.
"Okay, so the last answer I've got is…" started Ron, picking up the final card. "'A framed photocopy of an oil painting of Paris, France'. Again, why would I go to Amsterdam to get something based on a completely different city?"
"Maybe it was painted by a famous Dutch artist?" suggested Luna.
"But it's only a photocopy," said Harry. "It's not the original."
"You make it sound like we know what a photocopy is," said Ginny.
"Isn't that just one of those pictures that doesn't move?" asked Neville.
"No Neville, those are just pictures," said Hermione.
"But pictures are supposed to move," said Neville.
"Just…Ron, who won?" asked Hermione, exasperated.
"I feel like ice is the most accurate, I'm going with that," said Ron.
"One, Amsterdam's only famous for weed," said Ginny. "Two, we're going for funny, not accuracy."
"Hey, I'm not complaining," said Neville, claiming the point. "Hermione, you're up."
"Okay, here goes," said Hermione, drawing the next black card. "'You can't wait forever. It's time to talk to your doctor about _'."
"You mean healer, right?" asked Ron.
"It's a muggle game, Ron," said Hermione. "They're gonna mean doctor."
"Weirdos," muttered Ron, as he played his card.
"Anyway, let's see what we're talking to our doctors about," said Hermione, picking up the first card. "'A much younger woman'."
"That better not have been played by a certain someone," said Ginny. "Or they might find they have a second scar on their head."
"…no comment," said Harry, as Ginny glared at him.
"Well, before Ginny kills Harry, let's get through the rest of these," said Hermione, picking up the next card. "'Expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor'. Well, I suppose you'd want to talk to a doctor about that."
"Is that another of Neville's cards about bodily fluids?" asked Ron.
"Maybe," said Neville, in a way that suggested that it was.
"Okay, next up," said Hermione. "'A foul mouth'. Not quite what that means."
"Maybe it's treated by washing one's mouth out with soap," suggested Harry.
"Well, I know who's getting treated for it," said Hermione, looking at Ron. "Anyway, the next answer is…'Internet porn analysis paralysis'. Why is anyone overanalysing porn?"
"They want to make sure they understand exactly why the housewife is fucking the mailman," said Ron.
"That…makes very little sense," said Hermione. "Well, whatever. Last card is…'Becoming the President of the United States'."
"Well, I guess you would have to be at least mentally unwell to want that job," said Harry. "I mean, just look at the last two guys."
"Agreed," said Hermione. "Anyway, who had that one?"
"That would be me," said Ginny, claiming the point. "Neville, you're up."
"Okay, let's see…" said Neville, picking up the next black card. "IF you like _, YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK."
"Okay, which card sounds like something a hick would do?" asked Ron, looking through his hand.
"It could just be something random or funny," suggested Luna, playing his card.
"Or it could be that," said Ron, playing a card.
"Well, let's see what you guys came up with," said Neville, picking up the first card. "'Uranus'. Like, the planet?"
"Well, what else could it be?" asked Hermione.
"The immature joke everyone makes about it?" suggested Ginny.
"There's an immature joke everyone makes about the planet?" asked Hermione.
"Oh, come on Hermione, you're supposed to be the smart one here," said Harry.
"Okay, next up," said Neville, picking up the next card. "'Driving into a tornado to learn about tornadoes'. Yeah, that sounds about right."
"Well, how else are you supposed to learn about tornadoes?" asked Luna.
"Some way that doesn't include being ripped to shreds," said Hermione.
"It's just a little wind," said Ron. "That can't hurt you, right?"
"Yeah, but a lot will kill you," said Harry.
"Well, the next thing that makes you a redneck is…" said Neville, picking up the next card. "'Daddy going away forever'. I suppose if they're dumb enough to drive into tornadoes, they probably don't have fathers that would teach them not to do that."
"Of course not. They were the ones driving into the tornadoes," said Ginny.
"Fair enough," said Neville. "Okay, next up we have…'Being fat and stupid'."
"Well, they definitely have the latter," said Hermione.
"Why would they be stupid? Clearly they're scientists," said Luna.
"…I have no idea how you came to that conclusion," said Hermione.
"Well, who else is gonna learn about tornadoes firsthand?" asked Luna.
"Not the answer I was expecting, but sure," said Hermione, as Neville picked up the last card of his round.
"'A fanny fart'," he read. "Yeah, none of these come close to the tornado card. That wins for me."
"I'm making a bit of a comeback here," said Ginny, claiming the point. "Okay Luna, you're up."
"Okay, here we go," she said, picking up the card. "'Well, shit. My eyes ain't so good, but I'll eat my own boot if that ain't _'!"
"That just sounds like something you'd say normally," said Ron.
"Maybe so, but it's also on the card," said Luna.
"You didn't charm the card to say that, did you?" asked Ginny.
"Can we do that?" asked Luna.
"Let's not. It's probably funnier this way," said Hermione.
"Speaking of which, what have you guys come up with?" asked Luna, picking up the first card. "'A foetus'. Well, we're starting off well, aren't we?"
"It'll get worse," said Harry.
"Do you know this for a fact, or…" started Neville.
"…no comment," said Harry.
"I think he did," said Luna, holding up the next card with disgust. "'The Grinch's musty, cum-stained pelt'."
"I don't know what a Grinch is, but it doesn't sound healthy," said Ron.
"He's a children's book character who steals Christmas," said Hermione.
"Why would someone want to steal Christmas?" asked Luna.
"Because he hates people," said Hermione.
"Yeah, I can understand that," said Ron.
"Well, let's hope this next card is a little better," said Luna, drawing another card. "'Several Michael Keatons'. Is that a good thing, or…"
"Well, I don't know of any particularly bad controversies about him," said Hermione. "Though to be fair, the only thing I know about him is that he played Batman, so that's not saying much."
"Batman, eh?" said Ron. "Is that like the incident with the Polyjuice Potion where you became a cat?"
"You did WHAT?!" asked Neville.
"…let's move on," said Hermione quickly, as Luna picked up the next card.
"'A big, beautiful mouth packed to the brim with sparkling teeth'," read Luna. "Well that's nice."
"And for that reason it loses, right?" asked Harry.
"Oh yeah," said Luna, causing Neville to curse. "Okay, and finally we have…'Justin Bieber'. Hermione?"
"Pop singer," she said. "I don't care for him."
"Right," said Luna. "Well, in that case…hmm…I think the several Michael Keatons wins for me."
"Wait, really?" asked Ron, taking the point. "I mean, I'll take it, but why?"
"Especially since you don't even know who Michael Keaton is," said Hermione.
"He just seems like a good middle ground between disgusting and wholesome," said Luna with a shrug.
"Okay, fair," said Neville. "Harry, your turn."
Author's note: The current scores are:
Hermione: 8
Neville and Ron: 7
Ginny and Harry: 5
Luna: 4