Beavis and Butt-Head in: Stewart's Driveway

by Barakao1

Beavis and Butt-Head realize that hanging out near Stewart's driveway but not quite in it is technically legal, and not legally chargeable as harassment, as they claim he is doing to them.

Beavis and Butt-Head in:

Stewart's Driveway

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: If Alex Beck, born 1989, happens to see himself in this, not my %%*$^ing fault.

FADE IN from black to the exterior of Stewart's house.

The sun is slowly rising. Sunrise music is playing as roosters and crows make loud noises to signify the coming of the morning.

Beavis and Butt-Head enter from the right side of the screen and approach the front center of Stewart's house, planting themselves at the foot of the driveway.

BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD: Dun-dun-dun, nah-nah-nah! Nah-nah-nah!

They start jamming out with a mock concert. Playing air guitar with their fingers, they pretend to be blasting music with heir own vocals and pretend instruments.

BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh huh huh! Huh huh huh huh! Huh huh huh! Huh huh huh huh!

BEAVIS: Heh heh heh heh! Heh heh heh heh! Heh heh heh! Heh heh heh heh!

The door opens. Stewart's father opens the door.

FATHER: Now what in God's good green Earth is happening out here?

BEAVIS: Shut up, sir! Or we WILL be forced to file a restraining order against you!

BUTT-HEAD: Yeah! Huh huh huh! Don't make this any worse than it has to be! Huh huh huh!

BEAVIS: Now GO BACK INSIDE!

FATHER: Ohhhhh. You two, now listen. I have to get to work –

BEAVIS: BE QUIET! AND YOU LISTEN TO US!

BUTT-HEAD: Yeah! Don't resist us and this will go a lot easier!

He walks back inside.

BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh huh huh huh! This is cool!

BEAVIS: Heh heh heh! I told you there's no such thing as white privilege! Heh heh heh heh mmm heh heh heh heh!

A police officer walks past.

BUTT-HEAD: Help! Officer! Help! There's a man stalking us. Help us! Please, help us!

OFFICER: Stalking, huh? Okay. Now, I know it's tough when you're a victim of someone else's wrongdoing. I know it's difficult to deal with the games and the trauma and the abuse that they deal you two, you poor little things. Now, show me this piece of garbage's face so I can chew him out!

BUTT-HEAD: It's Stewart. Huh huh huh huh huh. He's stalking us. Huh huh huh huh huh.

BEAVIS: Yeah, this isn't right! First with the whole job thing at Target. Now it's driveways? It is just wrong, with a capital R.

BUTT-HEAD: Good luck. He'll never admit when he's wrong. He'll just make up excuses for everything.

BEAVIS: Yeah, the kid just refuses to accept responsibility for his own self.

BUTT-HEAD: He's on desperate need of medication.

BEAVIS: What does he even WANT with us? For the love of God! I mean, driveways . . . that's just low!

OFFICER: Okay, okay, I get the point. Now. My next question. Is this your place, or yours?

They both look at each other.

Then they look back at the police.

BOTH: Uhhhhh . . . ummmmmm . . . it's . . . uhhhhhh . . .

They look at each other, as if to question each other what they're supposed to say.

They look back at the police.

BOTH: (pointing at each other) His.

OFFICER: His? . . . Okay, so which is it? . . . I guess you both live together, is what's happening, sort of a little "roommate" situation. Okay, now I'll deal with this 'Stewart' troublemaker myself. But in the meantime, let me warn your folks about him.

BUTT-HEAD: Sure, good luck on that one, Stewart's folks just never admit when they're in the wrong.

BEAVIS: It's his whole family. Heh heh heh. This is why nobody likes them.

The policeman knocks on the door.

Stewart's father answers.

FATHER: Hello?

POLICE: These two say a young man named STEWART is STALKING them.

FATHER: Well, that's not true!

POLICE: OH, SO I'M LYING? So that's your approach?

FATHER: Officer, you're not listening! I just said, that isn't true!

POLICE: OH, SO THESE TWO ARE LYING, THEN?

He gestures toward the two boys.

FATHER: Oh, no, those two are nothing but trouble. Take my word for it.

BEAVIS: Now, you listen, and you, you get your troublemaker son out here, now!

FATHER: Officer, this is MY HOUSE! I live here! My wife lives here!

BEAVIS: Ugly. Ugly woman.

FATHER: My son Stewart lives here! I LIVE HERE! THIS IS MY HOUSE!

OFFICER: Well unlike these two, you have been nothing but argumentative with me. These two are more likeable in everything they do. Why should I cut you more slack than them?

FATHER: Officer, please! I live here!

OFFICER: And you're lucky I'm letting you and your son off with only a written warning. YOUR SON WILL STOP HARRASSING THESE TWO, OR ELSE! First at Target, now with their own driveways! Now this WILL stop! OR ELSE SOMEONE WILL BE GOING TO JAIL, AND IT WON'T BE THEM!

FATHER: But they're the ones at my house!

OFFICER: Yeah – to lay down the good law on indecent scum like YOU!

The police leave.

BUTT-HEAD: I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this, officer.

BEAVIS: Yeah, heh heh, we're all about law and order ourselves.

OFFICER: I'm so sorry for you two about this Stewart fellow. You two have done the right thing.

BEAVIS: Yeah, he's not welcome at our place anymore.

BUTT-HEAD: Yeah, forget Stewart. He's old news. You must phase him out now.

BEAVIS: And be warned, though. He's on medication.

OFFICER: For what?

BEAVIS: Uhhhhhhh, for . . . paranoid conspiracy theories. Heh heh heh. Heh heh heh.

BUTT-HEAD: So just in case he says it's us harassing him, or stalking, really it's that.

OFFICER: It sure would explain a lot.

The police officer leaves, driving off.

BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh huh huh. This is cool! He can't make us leave! Huh huh huh huh huh!

BEAVIS: Now what?

BUTT-HEAD: Go get some drinks from the store.

BEAVIS: And then what?

BUTT-HEAD: Then come back here. Huh huh huh. Huh huh huh huh.

FADE THROUGH BLACK to later, as they stand around sipping their drinks.

BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh huh huh huh! Huh huh huh huh huh! Huh huh huh huh huh! Huh huh huh huh huh!

BEAVIS: Heh heh heh heh heh! Heh heh heh heh heh! Heh heh heh heh heh! Heh heh heh heh heh! Heh heh heh heh heh!

Butt-Head, done with his drink, drops it onto the driveway.

BUTT-HEAD: Ahhhhhhh!

Beavis sips some more, finishes his drink, and drops his drink onto the driveway as well.

BEAVIS: Ahhhhhhh!

BUTT-HEAD: This is cool!

Again the door opens.

FATHER: Okay, now listen, you two. I need to get myself to work, so, therefore, I'm going to need for you two to scram. Okay? Fair enough?

The two boys move to block off his car from being able to exit his driveway.

BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh huh huh. We won't let you. Huh huh huh. Huh huh huh huh.

BEAVIS: Are you looking to go to jail today, sir?

FATHER: My God. I'm going to go to jail for killing these two.

BEAVIS: I will mark that as threatening language.

BUTT-HEAD: Yeah, huh huh huh, huh huh huh, we're afraid for your lives. Huh huh huh! Huh huh huh huh huh!

He tries to reverse his car. But he can't escape.

He turns his wheel, reversing elsewhere. But they run to block him off there too.

He steers it a different way. They run to block him off there, too.

Finally he resorts to driving over his own grass, ruining the lawn.

BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh! Cool!

BEAVIS: Yeah, he'll just go and make excuses and blame us for that, too!

BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh!

Stewart's mother exits her house.

MOTHER: Now what is going on here?

BUTT-HEAD: Your husband's a real loose cannon.

BEAVIS: Now go back inside! (pointing) NOW.

She is angry. Shaking, ready to punch someone, she tries to bite it all back in.

MOTHER: What did you boys' mothers ever teach you about politeness?

BUTT-HEAD: Uhhhh . . . shut up!

BEAVIS: (extending his right hand) Honest to God, lady . . . nobody wants to hear your voice right now.

BUTT-HEAD: You just drone on and on in circles about stuff that never happened.

BEAVIS: Yeah, that was yesterday. Heh heh heh.

BUTT-HEAD: And plus. Huh huh huh. Outside of YOUR driveway, you can't really say it's YOUR property. Huh huh huh.

MOTHER: Well this is.

They suddenly realize she's right.

BUTT-HEAD: . . . Well I'm still not leaving.

BEAVIS: Yeah, and no one likes your son, Stewart.

BUTT-HEAD: Especially now that everyone knows what a stalker the guy is.

MOTHER: THIS IS MY HOUSE! NOW GET OUT! RIGHT NOW! OR I'M CALLING 911!

BUTT-HEAD: Bite me!

Raising their middle fingers, they both walk away.

And plant themselves at the foot of Stewart's driveway.

BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh huh huh huh! Huh huh huh huh huh!

BEAVIS: Heh heh heh heh heh! Heh heh heh heh heh!

BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh huh huh huh! Huh huh huh huh huh!

BEAVIS: Heh heh heh heh heh! Heh heh heh heh heh!

BUTT-HEAD: Let's see her make us leave when the law is technically on our side!

BEAVIS: Yeah! See the bastards kick us out this time!

BUTT-HEAD: What a sad life for Stewart's mother!

BEAVIS: Yeah, no wonder her son turned out to be such a screw-up!

BEAVIS: It's a good thing you and I don't live that way!

BUTT-HEAD: Yeah! Huh huh huh huh huh! Huh huh huh huh huh! Now let's wait till his Dad comes back home and block him off so he can't get in! Huh huh huh huh huh!

BEAVIS: A sad life indeed. Heh heh heh heh heh! Heh heh heh heh heh!

BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh huh huh huh! Huh huh huh huh huh!

BEAVIS: Heh heh heh heh heh! Heh heh heh heh heh!

BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh huh huh huh! Huh huh huh huh huh!

BEAVIS: Heh heh heh heh heh! Heh heh heh heh heh!

BUTT-HEAD: You and I are better than them.

BEAVIS: Yeah. We'll never be like that. We'll be living like this forever!

BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh huh! Huh huh huh huh huh! Huh huh huh huh huh!

BEAVIS: Heh heh heh heh heh! Heh heh heh heh heh!

BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh huh huh huh! Huh huh huh huh huh!

BEAVIS: Heh heh heh heh heh! Heh heh heh heh heh!

BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh huh huh huh! Huh huh huh huh huh!

BEAVIS: Heh heh heh heh heh! Heh heh heh heh heh!

BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh huh huh huh! Huh huh huh huh huh!

Stewart opens the door and exits.

He slowly approaches the two young boys.

STEWART: Now, listen, you two. I really want this to stop. I really want you to leave.

BEAVIS: Nope.

BUTT-HEAD: Not happening.

STEWART: That little stunt you pulled at Target was not okay with me.

BUTT-HEAD: That's the past. No one's stopping you from getting a job anymore.

STEWART: YOU two attempted to, pretty badly.

BUTT-HEAD: That's the past.

STEWART: You spread a lie that I was a crack baby.

BUTT-HEAD: Then blame yourself for that one. Huh huh huh. Maybe if you weren't such a wuss, people wouldn't pick on you and say stuff they know might get under your skin. Huh huh huh.

BEAVIS: Now is this going to stop, or are we going to have to press charges for harassment? Because we will!

STEWART: I LIVE HERE!

BUTT-HEAD: This guy's just impossible.

BEAVIS: You just can't reason with this person.

BUTT-HEAD: No one's going to side with you, Stewart. Everyone's going to agree that I have the right to be hanging out here. That we both do. Tough. Move on. Leave and move on with your life.

BEAVIS: Yeah. Heh heh. You act like we're doing these things to you, and really we're innocent. Heh heh heh.

BUTT-HEAD: Face it, I can come here, I can come to your work, I can mess up your Dad's work. I would mess up your Mom's work, but she doesn't HAVE one! Huh huh huh. Loser. Huh huh huh huh.

STEWART: All right, guys, come on . . .

BEAVIS: What's the matter? You gonna cry?

BUTT-HEAD: Yeah! Huh huh huh! You gonna cry?

STEWART: Please, just leave. Honest to God.

BUTT-HEAD: We will settle this like men. Do you want to fight me?

STEWART: And prove what, exactly?

BUTT-HEAD: Fight me for your driveway.

STEWART: No.

BUTT-HEAD: If I win the fight, I get rights to your driveway. Huh huh huh huh.

STEWART: Absolutely not, no way, no how! And you two haven't even stopped bothering me at my WORKPLACE where I WORK!

BUTT-HEAD: That was last Friday. You need to get the [BLEEP!] over it. That was the PAST.

STEWART: It was three days ago.

BUTT-HEAD: I don't care!

BEAVIS: Yeah, heh heh. And why would they listen to a crack baby, anyway? Heh heh heh. Exactly. They won't. Heh heh heh.

BUTT-HEAD: Or to your crackhead mother.

STEWART: Just shut up already. You pick on me, you pick on me. You mess with my mother . . . that's just low. Now, don't go around messing with someone's parents. That's just sick. And don't go around making stuff up, dude.

BUTT-HEAD: Oh, that's a good one! Let's say he's going around making stuff up! Huh huh huh huh huh! Huh huh huh huh huh!

STEWART: Okay, clearly whatever "morals" YOU two were taught as kids was sorely lacking.

BUTT-HEAD: (imitating a nerdy voice) Okay, clearly whatever morals you two were taught as kids was SORELY lacking. Huh huh huh huh huh! Stewart, nobody OWES you anything! Huh huh huh huh huh!

STEWART: You owe me a serious apology.

BUTT-HEAD: Tell you what. Huh huh huh huh huh. Your next job, that next one I'll let you get to choose. Huh huh huh huh huh. Which is more generous than I really need to be with you. Huh huh huh huh huh.

BEAVIS: Do not forget, we've known you for six years. Heh. Heh heh heh. Heh.

STEWART: So my NEXT job, you'll "let" me keep.

BEAVIS: Yeah. Heh heh. Might want to agree quickly, before I'm not so generous.

STEWART: Yeah, right, how do I know you're not just lying again?

BUTT-HEAD: Because just because I was lying before doesn't mean I'm lying now. That's why. Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh!

BEAVIS: Yeah, solid reasoning.

BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh huh huh huh! Now you'd better stop talking to people, Stewart!

STEWART: Butt-Head, you two have not really exactly admitted to ANYBODY the truth yet.

BUTT-HEAD: Uhhhh . . . well, I mean, just listen to how it sounds.

BEAVIS: Yeah. Heh. Heh. Heh. I mean, it sounds like a classic case of schizophrenia, if you want my medical input.

STEWART: And why would anyone want YOUR medical input?

BEAVIS: Heh heh heh. Heh heh heh. Good point. Heh heh heh.

STEWART: So are you two actually going to leave me alone at my workplace? Or not?

BUTT-HEAD: Uhhhhhh . . . I'll have to give this idea some consideration.

They turn away, then remain silent for a while.

They spin back to face Stewart.

BEAVIS: My vote is no.

BUTT-HEAD: After carefully considering the matter, I have decided not to pursue the idea.

STEWART: But I've . . . (tearing up) Come on, I've been there for three years.

Butt-Head starts grinning.

BUTT-HEAD: So this is where you start crying?

He pulls out his cell phone.

BUTT-HEAD: "Stewart, Crying." I can just see the headlines now.

He snaps a photo of Stewart.

BUTT-HEAD: There you are, Stewart. There it goes. There you go. Good boy.

He snaps another photo.

BUTT-HEAD: Go on, cry for me!

Beavis snaps a photo on his own cell phone.

BEAVIS: Here we are. Portrait of a crybaby.

STEWART: IT'S MY DRIVEWAY.

BUTT-HEAD: I don't care. Get a job.

STEWART: I have one already. YOU TWO keep trying to mess it all up for me!

BEAVIS: Excuses!

STEWART: You told my coworkers I have kids.

BEAVIS: I don't care.

STEWART: Then you warned them that I'm going to lie about it.

BUTT-HEAD: Still don't care.

STEWART: You still have yet to leave, OR to admit to what you've done, and then, on top of everything, you accused ME of "harassing" YOU TWO.

BEAVIS: You see, this is why people don't like you, Stewart.

BUTT-HEAD: And you can point the fingers squarely at your own self. Or you can just go through life blaming others for messes you created entirely yourself.

STEWART: I'm saying this AGAIN. GET OUT OF MY DRIVEWAY!

BUTT-HEAD: Or you'll do . . . what, exactly?

An idea hits him.

BUTT-HEAD: We could say we're the victim!

STEWART: JUST! LEAVE! JUST! LEAVE!

The boys both start grinning.

BUTT-HEAD: Stewart, just look at how you're behaving right now.

BEAVIS: Yeah. Heh. Heh heh. Getting loud. Paranoid.

BUTT-HEAD: This is why nobody wants to be around you, Stewart.

STEWART: WILL YOU LEAVE ALREADY!

BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD: NO!

STEWART: What do you get out of doing this?

BUTT-HEAD: A reaction out of you. That's what. Huh huh huh. Huh huh huh huh. Huh huh huh. Huh huh huh huh! Because look at you. It works. Huh huh huh huh!

STEWART: Okay, are you done, or am I gonna have to call the cops?

BUTT-HEAD: Go ahead. I'll say I'm afraid for my life.

STEWART: But it's . . . MY driveway.

BUTT-HEAD: I'll say I was here first.

STEWART: But you weren't. Listen. Just leave. I'm serious. Just leave. Okay? I'll forget the whole thing, please, honest to God, honestly just leave. You're breaking the law.

Butt-Head sits around in silence for a second.

BUTT-HEAD: Stewart, no one likes a tattle-tale.

STEWART: Hmmm . . .

He raises both hands, and starts walking toward the two youths.

BUTT-HEAD: Hey! What are you doing?

BEAVIS: Back off! That's kind of weird!

Stewart raises both hands and lurches like a zombie toward both youths.

They wander backwards.

Right into the path of an ambulance. They get hurt.

STEWART: Ha ha. Dicks.

He walks back inside.

STEWART: That's what you deserve! Ha ha.

He walks back inside.

The two youths remain injured on the ground.

BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD: Ahhhhh! Ohhhhh! Owwww!

BUTT-HEAD: The universe is very unfair to the kind-hearted!

BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD: Ahhhhh! Ohhhhh! Owwww!

Music plays. The two youths remain injured on the ground.