Mistake
Chapter 29
Mike thought that Hannah seemed unusually quiet but she did seem to enjoy the food truck festival. He just knew something was off. Hannah was not her happy and upbeat self. He had gotten frozen custard and found a park bench for him and Hannah, hoping to figure it out.
"Hannah, I can tell you have something on your mind. What's going on?" Mike asked.
"I've been thinking…about staying with Sarah." Hannah told him. Mike could tell she seemed nervous.
"Okay. Why?" Mike asked.
"Because of what happened before Maddie and Katie got there." Hannah answered.
"What about Billy?" Mike asked.
"I don't figure you'll let me take him." Hannah answered.
"No. I get why you would want to live elsewhere. You don't trust me anymore but you've made your decision knowing Billy would be staying on with me. I guess that's where I'm confused." Mike remarked.
"I...think you need to concentrate on Katie and Billy. The new baby too. I would only get in the way." Hannah said.
"Does Sarah know you want to stay with her?" Mike asked.
"No." Hannah answered.
"Hannah, I am not going to say no. But, I will say; I don't want you to go. I feel this family has spent entirely too much time apart and separated. I let a wedge to be driven between Katie and myself and my relationship with her may never be whole. With you, I made a HUGE mistake. One I do regret. My question for you, is how would I make it to where you stay?" Mike asked.
"I…don't know. You're gonna be really busy with the baby, Billy and…" Hannah started.
"I would find time for you." Mike argued. It was hard to keep his temper in check but his temper had caused the problem in the first place. Another flare would drive Hannah away completely.
"Dad…I don't want to be in the way. Billy is just getting to know you. The baby will be brand new. And you need to concentrate on fixing stuff with Katie. Besides, its only a matter of time before you start blaming me for leaving Katie like that." Hannah said. The quarter dropped just then. Hannah was trying to protect herself for fear that Mike would reject her.
"Honey…that is not going to happen." Mike said.
"How could it not. I left her there, dying and alone. I should have known!" Hannah said. Several people looked towards them. Mike stood up and gestured at Hannah to follow him.
"Let's go to the truck?" Mike suggested. Thankfully, Hannah followed him but by the time they got there, tears were streaming down her cheeks. "Hannah, calm down. You were a young child. You couldn't have ever known. The only one I'm angry at is myself. Not you." Mike said.
"Why?" Hannah asked.
"Because you girls should have never been in the situation you were in. Hannah…eventually you will find this out, but…I went back to the damn ship. I couldn't find you, Katie, and your mom at Deer Park. Instead of searching, I went back to that damn ship. So, if anyone is to blame; its me. Not you or Katie." Mike answered.
"But, weren't you ordered to or something?" Hannah asked.
"Yes and no. I was expected to go back but I think it would have been understood if I didn't." Mike explained.
"Then how is it your fault?" Hannah asked as she dried her tears.
"My point exactly. Hannah, we can't blame ourselves for something beyond our control. Now, my situation, I could have controlled going back. But, you were so young. Did you or do you know how to check for a pulse or to see if someone is breathing?" Mike asked.
"I didn't then." Hannah answered.
"Then how would you have known Katie was still alive? Her pulse and respirations would have slowed down. Her body temperature would have gone down. You would have not known." Mike continued.
"But, I still left her and you shouldn't forgive me for that." Hannah answered.
"No, I shouldn't because there is nothing to forgive. But, Hannah; here's the thing. You have to understand that you don't even have anything to forgive yourself for. Nothing." Mike said.
"Then why does it feel like this?" Hannah asked.
"Because our minds tend to work overtime and we have a fear of someone rejecting us. I think in your case, you were terrified of me rejecting you because of what happened to Katie, so you thought moving to Sarah's would protect yourself. And perhaps, I am just as terrified as you are, but…separation will not help. I am not going to tell you that you cannot move in with Sarah, but I will say…maybe you and I both need to stick this out. We all have vulnerabilities and fears. Even me. My biggest fear now is you or Katie rejecting me because I went back to the James. Did Katie hold you leaving against you?" Mike asked.
"No. She said she was glad that I had gotten myself and Billy to safety." Hannah answered.
"Then why are you holding yourself accountable for something that happened when you were so young? You are allowed some grace, honey." Mike said.
"You are too, Daddy." Hannah remarked. Mike winked at her before leaning over and kissing the top of her head, something that the console didn't help with.
"I love you, sweetheart. More than you will ever know." Mike said.
"I love you too, Daddy." Hannah answered.