Chapter 8 - Dessert.

Harm's asleep in my bed.

The giddiness I feel can probably be compared to a teenage girl who kissed her first crush. I'm a little embarrassed by it and completely terrified that this thing between us will end just as aggressively as it started. What if he tires of me or sees the cracks in the veneer? What if I'm just not good enough?

I lean against my pillows and watch him sleep. He looks so cute and I mentally stop myself from reaching out and tracing the facial features that make him so ruggedly handsome. God, I love him and part of me hates that I do because I hate what loving him does to me. He throws me off kilter, shakes my resolve and makes me want to shed whatever darkness has followed me since Paraguay.

I've felt this before, years ago when the detachment I was assigned to was attacked in Bosnia. It was the first time I've shot back in anger. The first time I took someone else's life to save my own. I'm still surprised how easy it was to pull the trigger and how mentally prepared I was until I wasn't. For month's I could see his eyes - my target - the man I shot straight through the head before he took me out first - or worse. It took several months to get over the nightmares that returned once, when I stabbed a man in cold blood in the woods of the Appalachians.

Harm shifts a little and the comforter that covers him exposes more of his perfect body. He's beautiful and I wonder if I only love this: The fierce, physical side of him and the intense way we fuck until my body can't take the pleasure anymore. After all, that is how this started, wasn't it? From friends to enemies to lovers. What good can come from any of that?

There have been signs of something more like earlier tonight when he arrived at my place holding a bag of groceries on top of which balanced a dozen red roses. Dangling from three of his fingers was a small duffle. "An overnight bag, huh? Pretty presumptuous aren't you?"

I was awarded a shy version of his flyboy grin and a raised brow. "Hopeful, you mean."

I took the duffle from him and dropped it off in my bedroom while Harm made a beeline for the kitchen. When I returned he'd put the flowers in water and was searching my drawers for the appropriate cooking utensils. It was interesting to stand at the doorway and simply watch him move about the kitchen, that he knows just as well as his own, wearing only half his uniform - slacks and a half buttoned shirt with rolled up sleeves.

It's domestic and sexy which is why he never got the chance to slice a single vegetable he'd set aside for dinner. I wanted him. I needed him to stave the desire that pooled liquid heat between my thighs. It's an itch I needed scratched and I refused to wait for the inevitable.

"Skip dinner…I think I want to start with dessert." My attempt to be flirty worked and before long we're kissing passionately. He propped me up on the cabinet and stood between my open legs. Busy hands began to remove articles of clothing and before long Harm pulled off my shorts and panties with just two hard tugs.

"Aww, damn Mac." A finger slid into me, tested my wetness and I took pleasure in how his blue eyes darkened when he's aroused. I love this new side of us and the controlled chaos that suspends reality for a time. He tried to be gentler but when my hand took him and squeezed, all good intentions were ignored. A breath later his slacks were pulled down just past his hips, his hands braced against the counter as I guided his length into my moist depths.

It was fast and hard. His desperation to have me was evident in the way Harm thrusted into me. It was so damned good that I held onto his shoulders, dug my nails into his flesh. The pain seemed to fuel his passion and a moment later he's yelling my name, moving faster until his body shakes from its release.

"Damn it, what are you doing to me?" He said, between heavy breaths that I felt on the side of my neck where his head rested. He knew I didn't come - he knew I was close and the apology I expected came in the form of a forceful kiss that left me breathless.

I'm raised into his arms, carried across the apartment and dropped into the center of my bed. The only light was an intrusive glow from a lamp in the living room that casted awkward shadows across his face. His features are hard, intense and Harm didn't say a word as the rest of our clothing melted away and the hard planes of his body covered mine.

We shared no words but simply traded breaths for breaths and kisses for kisses as our bodies moved together. He took control, held my hands above my head and thrusted harder until he gave me the most incredible orgasm that seemed to last forever. It made me quiver and before I was able to come down from that high, he was stroking me with his fingers and making me come harder than before.

"I love you, Sarah. I love you." I heard him say in a low raspy voice that breaks my heart. It's sexy and beautiful, the way I'd always dreamed it could be. With one final thrust his own body gave into his passion and soon we lay next to each other laughing, panting and spent. "Wow."

"You can say that again."

It's good. It's so good. Better than I could have ever imagined and when he closed his eyes I expected Harm to fall asleep until the rumbling of my stomach made him turn his head towards me. "Hungry, Marine?"

"Not really." And I really wasn't, at least not for food. I think I've forgotten what it's like to want a full meal.

"Right…Look, just give me a few minutes to recover and I'll make you dinner."

"You don't have to cook. We can just order something."

"But, I want to…I want to make you dinner and maybe breakfast…definitely breakfast." Harm eyed me suspiciously as if, at any moment, I could kick him out of my home. It's a thought I entertained for a bit but, ultimately, what I want is for him to never leave my bed. "Mac? What are you…oh.."

He stopped worrying about dinner the second my mouth covered the tip of his length that I licked to taste the essence of him and me. He had his fantasies and I had mine. It was exciting to feel him shake and see the ripples over his abs as Harm tried and failed to slow his impending climax.

Propped up on his elbows, he watched me love him. His expression was mesmerized that I actually enjoyed going down on a man as much as I did him. I swallowed every drop, my eyes holding onto his until Harm eventually collapsed against the pillows.

He's still asleep an hour later, oblivious that the exquisite delights I felt in his arms began to be invaded by dark, intrusive thoughts. I should be happy but I'm not. Whatever giddiness I initially felt begins to pass and I'm left with weight on my shoulders that I can't comprehend. My heart aches and the light of my soul dims a little. "I love you too." I say into the darkness and feel the damp lines from tears that began to fall unchecked.

I want to wake him and have Harm slay the demons in order to fix whatever the hell is wrong with me. I want to be held and reassured and loved. I want to be loved by him so badly.

Before I break down, I quickly run into the bathroom only to hear him call my name. "Sarah."

Please don't call me that. Please. Please. That name takes me to darker places of past loves, failed father figures and a terrorist who torments my thoughts. I'm not Sarah to him and I never will be. "I'm fine…using the head."

"Oh." His tone means Harm doesn't believe me but he's too smart to argue. "I still want to make dinner. I don't know about you, but I'm starving." He chuckles and the rich sound of his voice makes me quiver.

I stare at myself in the mirror and notice my red eyes, the streaks from my tear drops and the ghostly paleness that battles with post coital afterglow. Splashing water in my face helps somewhat but it doesn't hide the sad look in my eyes.

"Mac? Are you okay?" I'm startled when Harm appears behind me and his reflection stares at mine with veiled concern. I know he sees what I see and I know he's just as scared to say something. Instead, he turns me to face him, frames my face and kisses me. It's sweet…bittersweet and though I kiss him back, his nearness feels a bit claustrophobic. "I love you."

"I know." My response isn't what he wants to hear but it's all I can manage for today. "It's getting late."

"Yeah, I'll go make dinner."

Damn the man. "Harm, cook for me tomorrow, we can just order out tonight."

"Tomorrow?" I nod and he seems unsure. "You want me to come back tomorrow?"

"Yes."

"So does that mean that you want me to leave tonight?"

"No, I want you to stay the night and I want you to come back tomorrow night too." And every night after that until I remember how to be the woman I once was.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes. Don't I look okay?" I ask a question that most smart men avoid answering and when his eyes go wide I know he's trying to find a way to back peddle.

"No. I mean, yes…sort of. I guess you look tired."

"Maybe you tired me out?" My comment makes him blush and I smile at him, because he looks so darn cute.

"That's not what I meant, Colonel."

"I know what you meant and my answer is the same: you're tiring me out. I'm okay, really. The last few days have been something.. a whirlwind."

Harm's hands drop from my face and I feel the air shift between us to something dark. I know I shouldn't but I enjoy the change and the shadows that fall across his face. "We probably should talk about that and this…and us." He folds his arms across his chest, a sign that he's not any closer to wanting to discuss an 'us' anymore than I am. "The way we started-"

"-Was how it needed to start." I finish for him but his deep frown says he doesn't agree with me.

"No, Mac. Shit, no."

"Yes, Harm. You were angry with me, hurt and I was too….I baited you."

"And I took the bait." He says sharply, embarrassed by what transpired. I'm embarrassed too and the way I acted like the very thing my father always accused me of.

"We can't go back and change what happened the other night. Just let it go."

"I can't." Harm takes a shaky breath. He's not appeased but he won't fight back and I'm relieved. I can't talk anymore about us because there's too much emotional baggage, too much to say and I'm not sure I can open myself up to him that way. Especially knowing that one day he'll leave me. I know he will because no one ever loves me enough to stay.

He takes my hands and kisses me once more. "How about grilled cheese and a quick tomato soup?"

I roll my eyes, a little annoyed that he won't let the dinner thing go. Rather than argue, I let him win this round. "Fine, okay. Guess I'm starving too."

"Thank you." He kisses me once more and then motions to the shower. "It'll be almost done by the time you get out." I don't know why cooking for me makes him so damned happy but the smile plastered on his face changes the air in the room again. It's infectious and I feel some of the dark shadows slipping away when I return his smile.