post 5x20 quandary
The anger that burns as hot as a fire in Street dies down the second he sees Chris at HQ the next morning.
She's in the ring with Tan, but her movements are sloppy and unlike herself. When they break for water she won't meet his eyes, and he sees Tan draw a comforting circle over her back like she's upset. They get back in the ring, but Tan keeps glancing at Street in his periphery, and Street can feel the judgment all the way to the locker room.
Opening his locker, Street makes quick work of changing. His phone vibrates twice and he rolls his eyes but feels his stomach drop when he sees two messages from Hondo.
Meet me in the kitchen.
Now.
Street sucks in a breath and digs his nails into his palms, slamming his locker.
His eyes scan the hallways as he walks to the kitchen. No one else gives him a second thought, but it's clear that Hondo's been waiting for him with how he's leaning against the counter. As soon as the kitchen door shuts, Hondo makes a show of getting a water bottle and a protein shake from the fridge before turning back to Street and gesturing to the metal table for him to sit. Like a child, Street sighs and trudges over to sit heavy on a stool. He clenches his jaw as Hondo scrutinizes him and then slides him the water.
"I take it you talked to Chris?" Hondo asks, an edge to his voice.
Drinking the water, Street raises his eyebrows like there's no reason to ask questions they both know the answer to.
"Mmhmm."
Sitting down across from him, Hondo takes a deep breath and waits for Street to meet his eyes.
"Listen, Kid, I know it's going to be hard without her—"
Street can't stop the sharp laugh that escapes. He raises his hand to stop Hondo, his eyes hard.
"That's not it, Hondo. I'm fine."
Hondo squints and looks Street up and down until Street's sure he's staring into the deepest corner of his soul. Goosebumps run over his bare arms.
"Alright, Street," Hondo says, the patience in his voice wearing thin, "let's get real."
Hondo's tone, not angry but not pleased, like he knows something Street doesn't and he's sick of beating around the bush, makes Street lean forward.
"I'm not blind to you and Chris."
Street shivers as the temperature in the kitchen drops twenty degrees. Every instance of Chris telling him no, of shitty comments and locker room jokes that weren't funny, rush back to him.
"There's nothing going on between me and Chris, Hondo" Street scrambles. "It's—we're—"
With a hand, Hondo stops Street's spiral. He keeps his voice even and his eyes locked on Street's.
"Whatever you two are or have is none of my business. Unless it's going to affect my team and our ability to do our jobs for the next two weeks."
His words are slow and deliberate, sinking into Street like a cat's claws until they reach his heart. Street gives him a measured nod to show that he understands.
"Good." Hondo continues, relaxing some into the energy around them.
"I know how frustrating it can be. Loving someone when there's so much red tape involved."
Street blanches, but Hondo doesn't catch it as he glances around the kitchen like he's remembering something. Swallowing, he begs silently for Hondo to either dismiss him or say something else. When Hondo looks back at him, he smiles.
"I know Chris. She's not gonna break the rules for you in the next two weeks when she hasn't for the last five years. You know that by now."
Hondo raises his brows and Street nods again, an uncomfortable feeling creeping into his stomach. He wonders if someone else overheard their conversation in the parking lot yesterday.
"Try thinking of all this from Chris's perspective. There's a hell of a lot she's leaving behind here, and she knows that. And there's a lot she's going through on the outside, too. None of it's easy. What Chris needs from all of us over the next two weeks is support. Same thing she's always given you, if I remember correctly. You get me?"
Shame washes over Street like a bucket of ice water, and the edge that's returned to Hondo's voice makes it crystal clear he's dead serious. Street's voice is small when he answers.
"I got it, Hondo."
"Good."
The rest of the day passes like molasses. In another effort to keep tensions low, Hondo sticks Street with Luca, which would normally be fine if it weren't for Street's mind drifting to Chris and Deacon every few minutes.
The city is quiet and it makes Street itch for a private moment to talk to Chris before shift ends. But Chris is as quiet as she's been all day in the locker room, changing quickly and throwing a soft "goodnight," over her shoulder without so much as a glance backwards. If she feels Street's eyes on her, she doesn't acknowledge it, and it puts a rock in his stomach.
It gets heavier the closer he gets to his bike until he almost can't breathe underneath it. If he goes home, Luca will no doubt ask questions, and Street's not in the mood for another lecture. On the off-chance she'll answer, Street shoots off a text to Chris asking if she's doing anything, and waits five minutes for it to remain unread.
Steeling himself for whatever's about to happen, Street turns out of HQ and into the bright sunset. He squints underneath his helmet and fights the urge to check his phone at every red light he pulls up to. Turning into her apartment complex, he prays that he'll see her truck in the lot.
For once, he's in luck. Street takes the stairs two at a time until he's standing outside her door. Taking a deep breath, he looks towards the ceiling and sends a final prayer that this will go well, and knocks.
Chris says something that's muffled through her door, and Street bounces on his heels. She sighs when she looks through the people, Street wincing.
Still, she pulls open the door, the pair coming face-to-face with one another.
"Why are you here, Street?" Chris asks, voice flat and one hand on the door like she's ready to slam it shut at a moment's notice. Street can't help but look her up and down, the comfy clothes she's in swimming on her like she's trying to hide herself, and the remnants of dried tears on her face. He doesn't know what to say as his guts flip upside down.
"Street?" Chris repeats herself. Street's voice is guilty when he finally opens his mouth.
"Can I come in?"
Pressing her eyes closed and her lips into a firm line, Street watches as all of Chris's body processes fight one another and then come to a decision. Her eyes are deep and hurt when she opens them, and it feels like a stab through his heart. She nods.
Street hangs his jacket over the back of a kitchen chair, while Chris makes her way back to the couch and hugs a pillow to her chest. He sits in the chair opposite her, meeting her expectant eyes.
"I'm sorry."
Chris exhales, tongue running over her teeth as she thinks. Street wrings his hands, anxious.
"Okay."
Expecting there to be more, Street stutters when there's not.
"Oh— okay?"
Exhaustion hanging over her like a cloud, Chris's jaw is set when she looks at him.
"What more do you want, Street?"
A match sparks in Street, but he calms himself with a deep breath and a reminder of Hondo's words. Swallowing, he tries again.
"I was insensitive earlier. You leaving isn't about us, and I'm sorry for even bringing it up yesterday. I never should've pressured you like I did."
Chris nods and Street tries to get a read on her eyes, but they're stormier than he's ever seen them.
"Thank you for saying that," Chris says, voice low. Her mind is spinning and she looks down at her nails as a distraction. Street taps his fingers on his thighs until the silence gets too big and he has to break it.
"Are you okay? Are we?"
His question is earnest, but Chris shrugs, just as unable now to tell him what he wants to hear as she was yesterday.
"I don't know." She says honestly, the hurt her in her voice making his heart ache. His eyes are worried, but his feelings hit her chest and fall on the ground in front of her. She looks where they'd be.
"You talk to Hondo?" Chris asks, and Street wonders how, even after all these years on the team, Chris and Hondo are so much more aware of how the other moves than he is. Trying for levity that falls flat, he lifts the corner of his mouth up.
"Yeah."
Chris just nods, like she figured as much, her fingers gripping at the leather arm of her couch.
"He didn't tell you what's going on, though?"
Shaking his head, Street says no, feels his bones shift at the change in her tone to one underlined with sorrow.
"Mama Pina's dying." Chris exhales, words breathy but she gets them out before tears come to her eyes. Street starts to say he's sorry, only to be stopped by her hand and a minute shake of her head.
"I know it's my fault that we've never figured this out." Chris meets his eyes, hers sharp and sure, words pouring out of her once she starts.
"But since Erika died, I've just been trying to figure out how to fill the hole that she left. And then you were having surgery and I was in Germany, and we went from talking every day for two months to not at all. That fucking sucked for me. I've felt unsure of myself for months now."
Street nods, memories playing like a movie as Chris recounts them, new regrets forming in his chest.
"I know that you've always been unhappy about our relationship." Chris redirects, not needing to rehash what they both already lived through once. "Fine, if you can't believe me completely, but I am, too. But you know—you've seen—what female cops who date other cops go through. The one thing I've always been sure of was that you saw me first. That you respected me and cared about me above us being in a relationship."
The weight falls and explodes like a nuclear bomb on Street's chest as he comes to Chris's conclusion before she says it.
"Yesterday, that wasn't true. I needed my best friend. The person who, regardless of our relationship, is the most important person to me. You weren't there."
Eyes tracing over her apartment, Chris blows out a breath and lands on Street once more.
"I appreciate you coming here and apologizing, but I need some time. For myself, mostly," Chris adds, the newness of her future no less scary now that it's been decided.
The words sink in and Chris watches Street digest them, hoping that they've grown enough to overcome this. His lips are in a sad line, guilt and resignation washing over his face before he stands, voice even.
"I understand, Chris, and I am sorry."
He walks towards the door, and Chris leaves the pillow behind to follow. Once he's back over the threshold and in the hallway, she meets his eyes and lets the corners of her lips barely rise, as certain as she can be.
"I know."
She's telling the truth, and Street smiles as the slow cool of relief spreads through his veins knowing there's still a chance to salvage whatever they are. He nods as a final thank you, turning to leave, and Chris watches until he's out of her hallway to close the door and lean against it.
Her hands shake, the inside of her feeling like she's on a boat rocking on the ocean, and she's hanging onto anything to stay on her feet. It's not much different than how Street always makes her feel, really, but there's finally a shore in sight. A landing spot for whatever they are and will be, assuming they can make it that far.
Chris grabs one of the photos of her and Erika as she sits back down on the couch, running her thumb over the glass.
A million thoughts are running through his brain as Street puts on his helmet and starts his bike.
Thoughts about them, about the things he said, about Chris.
Always about Chris.
He doesn't realize he's at home until he's pulling into the driveway, her smile in the doorway and his feelings for her the only clear things in his mind.
hello! thank you so much for reading, and i hope you enjoyed ❤️ i've always loved 5x20, but definitely think so much goes unseen between the end of that episode and 5x21. including some selfishness on street's part that i've always wanted to explore further in terms of chris's feelings and their relationship in the aftermath of that fight. much more emotionally complex and difficult, but perhaps a bit more mature, and still a hopeful little ending lol. suggestions always welcome and comments/kudos appreciated, i reread them all the time fr. still pretty up and down personally but this was fun to pull together, very slowly. wishing everyone the best! xo, A