Jennie
#22. Ditch responsibilities and head to the beach.
Breathe and drop the towel. That's what people did at the beach, right? They wore swimsuits and didn't hide behind enormous beach towels. You can do this. I could be fierce. I used to be, I just had to remember how.
I sucked the humid Florida air past my lips, tasting salt from the ocean. My heart skipped, and I gripped the towel tighter.
"She was afraid to come out of the locker. She was afraid that somebody would see," Ho-Jung sang next to me, her southern drawl even more pronounced than mine.
"You hush up," I whispered. I was embarrassed enough without her making a scene.
"You promised, Jennie." Ho-Jung tugged at the towel, but I held firm.
I swallowed, trying to keep lunch in my stomach. "I know, and I'll do it. I just need a minute."
Her exaggerated sigh did nothing to calm my nerves. "It's just a bathing suit."
"It's a bikini, Ho-Jung, which is most definitely not just a bathing suit." I dug my toes into the white sand.
"You've got an amazing body. I don't know why this is such a big deal." She adjusted her sunglasses and pulled back her hair, her towel long since replaced by unwavering confidence. I may have agreed to a two-piece, but my boy shorts and a halter-style tankini top covered a heck of a lot more than Ho-Jung's triangle confection. "Look, it's our one day away from everything before classes start. This was your idea."
"Right." Yes, one day of wildness, freedom, where I wasn't just a Kim. Besides, the beach was the easiest box to check on the bucket list, and I was down to 231 days.
"Jennie, no one cares who you are here or what you're wearing. There are no expectations but your own, just another college girl at the beach. Pretend you're not…you know…you." She waved her hand at me. "Now drop that towel before I pitch a fit."
Pretend. Yeah, I could do that. Deep breath. I straightened my posture like Mama was watching and let go of the towel like she wasn't. Now, if only I could have shed my inhibitions with it. Ho-Jung nodded with approval, and we headed toward a group of acquaintances from school.
"Hey, y'all!" Ho-Jung called, laying out our beach towels at the edge of the group. I gave a small smile and wave, then turned down a beer, which Ho-Jung claimed. By the looks of it, they'd all been drinking for a while. I sprawled out on my towel and debated wrapping myself in it. I was never allowed to be this exposed at home. What would people think? Mama's voice burrowed through the sunshine.
I ran my finger down the line of my sternum. No, I'd bare this little bit of skin while it was still pretty, before I let the surgeons get their hands on it. And really, it didn't matter what the outside of my body looked like, not when it was failing from the inside.
"You're going to burn that fair skin of yours," Ho-Jung lectured, handing me a bottle of SPF 90. I thought twice, then slipped off my purple watch, stashing it away before slathering the lotion everywhere I could reach. I didn't want it to get all oily.
Oh, now that was a lie. I just didn't want to wear the darn thing.
"You people always seem to burn faster." A deep voice spoke from behind me.
I craned my head and lowered my sunglasses. The guy looked like every other college-aged guy I saw, nothing special or descriptive. Maybe being with Taehyung blinded me to other guys, but I certainly didn't get the hormonal rushes Ho-Jung cooed about.
Crud. He was waiting for a response. Don't embarrass Ho-Jung. I gave an easy smile. "Sunscreen saves the day."
Sunscreen saves the day? Kill me now.
He gave me the "Wow, you're a total dork" look I knew well but masked it with a smile. "Right. Can I…uh…get your back for you?"
"I'd rather you didn't," I answered, shorter than I meant to.
"Oh, okay?" he said and quickly retreated.
Ho-Jung's sigh reminded me how bad I was at this socializing stuff. "Just because you're pretty much married to Taehyung doesn't mean a guy can't put sunscreen on you."
"Being together for a year isn't married, but I'm not about to let a stranger put his hands on me."
She spread the lotion across my back, careful to cover me completely. "I know, darlin'. How is it being in the same town with him?"
It took me a second to mull that over. "It's nice. I'm still getting used to seeing him more than a couple days every few months."
"Well, y'all rocked that long-distance stuff." She motioned to my Kindle. "Just don't forget about the real world, okay?" She gawked past me to a crowd of guys playing Ultimate Frisbee near the surf. "Like that piece of eye candy!"
I peeked to see what had her drooling like a hound. "You know, there's more to a person than how they looks. You have to know what's—"
Sweet Lord, have mercy.
My Kindle hit the sand with my jaw. I'd never seen someone so beautiful, so raw in energy, or so…delicious looking. She stood easily over six feet tall and had no problem leaping for the Frisbee. Her blue board shorts hung low on her hips. The Florida sun caressed the line of her carved abs, giving her a fine sheen of perspiration that made her skin glow.
Her blond hair was cut short, but long enough to wave, and it framed a gorgeous face. Strong nose, angular lines of her cheekbones, a solid chin, and oh…dimples in her cheeks when she grinned. She belonged on a beach. I halfway expected to find a label on her that said "Ms. California." She looked laid-back, even by Florida standards.
My heartbeat sped up, my lips parted, and my hands itched to touch her. Heck, I was shocked my thighs hadn't popped open of their own volition. What color were her eyes? I couldn't tell from this distance, and maybe that saved me from the utter disgrace of admitting that I was attracted to someone other than my boyfriend.
I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen someone and simply…wanted, but I sure did now.
Ms. California's eyes focused on us when Ho-Jung whistled through her fingers.
"Ho-Jung!" I hissed.
"Oh, lighten up, Nini. I whistled; I didn't drop her pants. Not that I'd mind that."
Heat raced through my cheeks, not because her suggestion embarrassed me but because in that second I envisioned myself sliding those board shorts down over her hips and— No! What on earth was wrong with me?
Taehyung. Taehyung. Taehyung. I forced his face to my mind, his close-cropped brown hair, his gentle, amber-colored eyes. Yes, Taehyung. Not golden beach god over there.
"You could say hi, Nini," Ho-Jung suggested. "Flirting never hurt anyone."
"No, thank you." First, I wouldn't do that to Taehyung. Second, what would I even say to someone like that? Hi, I'm Jennie. I'm twenty years old, and my heart is a ticking time bomb. Want to be friends? I thought not.
"There's Luke! Do you want to hop on the WaveRunners with us?" Ho-Jung asked, waving back at a guy near the water.
"I'd rather not. There's a red flag out." Hence a giant vat of death just hankering to swallow me whole.
"That one's just the warning; the beach isn't closed or anything."
"I'm just not a fan of the water."
"Okay, well, I'm getting your feet in the water sometime today, spoilsport!" She took off with a smile and a wave.
I snuck a glance over at Ms. California, who was surrounded by at least four different bikini-clad girls. It was no surprise; someone like that attracted attention. Heck, I was happy with Taehyung, but Ms. California had my attention, too.
I sighed. There would be no reading if staring at her was an option. I traded my Kindle for my hot-pink sarong and stood, wrapping it around my waist.
The pier jutted out over the crystal blue-green water, and I wandered over to it, keeping my eyes fixed in front of me and not on the Frisbee players. That would never be me, running up and down the beach for fun. I couldn't run like that if my life depended on it. Actually, my life depended on me not running.
A fresh wave of heat wafted off the wooden boards of the pier before a gust of wind took it away. My sarong billowed out behind me as I explored, entranced by the rhythm of the waves.
When I reached the middle of the deserted pier, I leaned on the railing, my hair whipping me in the face and sticking to my lip balm.
Someone touched my bare shoulder. I turned, pulling my hair off my face. It was one of the guys from Ho-Jung's group. He was massive and scared the daylights out of me when he swayed, obviously drunk, and nearly knocked me over. "You're Nini, right?" he slurred, his eyes vague.
"Yes?"
"Ho-Jung told me to get your feet wet." He bent down and plucked me right off my feet. Ugh. He smelled like a brewery.
My muscles stiffened in protest, and I pushed away from him. "I'd really rather not. I'm fixin' to go read. Could you please put me down?" I tried to be polite, but when he started for the other side of the pier, panic set in.
"She said you'd say anything to get outta going in the water." He laughed, his drawl sounding more sloshed than southern.
"Please, don't!" I cried out, shoving away from him in earnest.
"Oh, come on now, it's just a little water. You can fix your hair once you're out." He leaned his head over the side of the pier, and my eyes popped wide at the twenty-foot drop. "This looks faster than walking over to the beach, doesn't it?"
"No!" I screamed, throwing everything my five-foot-two frame had against his concrete arms. "No! No! No!" I kicked, thrashing in his arms, but there was no give. My heart pounded and my throat closed up.
He laughed, like this was some kind of joke. "Aw, girl, you know you'll love it once we're in! You go first."
He climbed up onto the rail, and I had to say it—keeping this embarrassing secret was going to get me killed. "Please! I can't swim!"
He wouldn't stop laughing as he swayed unpredictably, leaning over toward the water.
"No, really, I can't!" I stopped fighting and started clinging. He wouldn't drop me over. He wouldn't. Things like this didn't really happen.
His hands gripped my waist and pulled me away from him. "In you go!" It seemed effortless to him, taking away my last vestige of safety, and he tossed me into the air.
Everything stilled. My heart ceased its beat as I was airborne. The fall took forever and was over before I could blink.
I screamed the whole way down.
Cold water engulfed me, and didn't let go. The impact stole the air from my lungs, and I clung to what was left, fighting the instant urge to suck in. I sank, my head far beneath the surface, but I was scared to open my eyes. My feet hit bottom with a soft impact, and I pushed up with every ounce of strength I had, clawing at the water. Momentum brought me to the surface, and as I broke it, I gulped in a breath and screamed for help.
The next wave smothered my cry, hurling me under in a twisted death grip. My body was jerked in the opposite direction of where I wanted to go. Salt water burned my nose. I kicked viciously, reaching for the surface. Where was it? I flipped over again. And again.
No surface. No air. Where was it?
My heart raced in a dangerous beat, too fast. Way too fast. If I wasn't going to drown, I was going to have a heart attack. But I still have 231 days!
A wave swept me to the surface, and I flung my head back, desperate for air. I spent a precious second pulling the hair from my mouth to get to the sweet oxygen and took a gasping breath. I couldn't manage a scream before I was swept down again, my mouth full of seawater.
The urge to breathe in overwhelmed every other thought, but I couldn't do it. I swept my hands up, trying to get to air, but the wave wasn't bringing me up this time. No, another one came, knocking me farther down. My chest was going to burst if I didn't let the pressure go. It would be so easy just to let it go. I'm going to die out here.
It was supposed to be peaceful, right? Drowning? This wasn't peaceful. This was terrifying, and it hurt. I wasn't giving in that easily or drowning because some drunk boy threw me into the ocean. Mama wouldn't survive it. Irene would have fought…if she'd had that chance.
Her face brought me the fight I needed, those green eyes that mirrored my own. I kicked harder, aiming for the sparkling surface above. Kick harder, Jennie. Don't give up. Not now. I heard her voice; lack of oxygen was shutting down my brain. It wouldn't be long before my reflexes took over and I either lost consciousness or sucked in a lungful of the Gulf of Mexico.
Another wave assaulted me, stealing the last bit of oxygen from my lungs. There was nothing…left. Which direction was up? Where…was I? Don't breathe in…don't…
I heard my mother's voice, but that was impossible, right? "Jennie, stop that nonsense. Irene will always be older. That's never going to change. When you're six, she'll be eight. When you're sixteen, she'll be eighteen. Even when she's eighty-two, she'll be older."
"No, she won't. She'll be dead."
The wave tossed me into the pier, and I felt the impact on my shoulder before my head struck the wood.
Then I felt nothing.