TRIGGER WARNINGS: mentions/thoughts of non-con, rejection of meals
Chapter dumps simply won't be happening lol. I have this one and one more, and then it'll be awhile before more updates. I burned myself out xD
Chapter Twelve
Kairi awakens in her bedroom at Disney Castle to the sight of Lea, seated in a chair beside her bed.
"Hey, you," he says gently.
"Hi," Kairi says, her voice hoarse. She reaches up to touch her throat. She must have screamed so much that she made it sore.
"Are you feeling okay?" Lea is not the type to be overly sensitive, but she can see his concern etched in the lines above his eyebrows. "You really scared me there for a second."
Kairi swallows, her throat as dry as sand, and she closes her eyes for a moment. She tries to remain calm. She doesn't know how to explain to him exactly why she panicked without telling him what happened at the brothel. She stays silent and doesn't try because she's reliving the memories behind her eyelids and her body is trembling underneath the duvet.
"You slept a lot," Lea says, pressing his hand to her forehead in an affectionate gesture. "But we got you back here in one piece."
She manages a hum of assent, of understanding. The silence with him is comfortable, as it always has been. She remembers their training sessions spent hurling mock insults at one another, afternoon sunsets spent eating ice cream together on top of the Twilight Town clock tower, days spent on random missions for King Mickey dancing with mushroom Heartless in Wonderland or helping Jack set up decorations in Halloweentown. She remembers everything from before they destroyed her and somehow, the silence of Lea and his emerald eyes is all she needs to feel calm.
Because she knows if she lets go of that, of those happy memories, of this moment, she'll fall apart again. And knows if she lets herself fall apart, she might not ever come back together. If she lets go of that, of his silence, his hand against her forehead won't be so comforting anymore. He'll become just like them, like the Duke and the guards, and she'll become afraid. Afraid of him, of everything.
"Where's Sora?" she croaks out, forcing the words past her teeth with a dry rasp. She's so thirsty. Her body feels like lead, her hands resting lightly on top of her stomach, and she feels like she's melting into the mattress of a bedroom that belonged to her millennia ago.
Lea's mouth twists into a grimace. "He's…here. In the castle."
"Can you send him here?"
"...listen, Kairi. The King and Queen think it would be best if we separated the two of you for a while. Just while you're getting back to yourself."
Kairi shoots him an alarmed look. "Separated us?"
"Yeah. He's here, but he can't come in here."
"Why?!"
Lea sighs. "None of us knows exactly what happened on the ship, so we're keeping him away from you until you're in a place where you can tell us what happened."
"I can tell you right now!"
"I know that's what you want. Believe me. But the King says his decision is final. Just for now."
Kairi wants to scream, and wants to tell him that she needs Sora, but it's hard to want to fight with Lea with the memories starting to trickle back. It's hard because he's a man, and he's bigger than her. And even though she trusts Lea and the King and Queen with her life, they're being unfair. She's not mentally compromised. She just had a panic attack.
"Where are the Duke and The Matron?" she asks.
"Here, in the castle. They're locked up."
Kairi doesn't know why, but it upsets her. They're here, in the same building as her, and she wishes they weren't.
"Kairi, you're safe now."
"I'm not," she whispers, her chin trembling as she forces back the emotion. Her fingers seize and she forces them to curve into fists that quake. "What if they escape?"
"They won't. I promise."
Kairi sighs and doesn't reply. "I want Sora."
"I know. I'm sorry." Lea stands up. "Want me to bring you some food?"
"No. My stomach hurts."
"Think you could manage soup?"
Kairi closes her eyes. She can't manage to breathe past her slowly-dawning realization of the severity of the situation. Sora's in trouble. They think he did something bad to her. And now they're punishing him. They're punishing the only person who makes her feel safe—who can chase away her fear of the prisoners in this very castle. She doesn't want soup, or food, or water. She wants to drift off into a sea of darkness and never stop.
When she doesn't reply, Lea sighs.
"The King's on his way back to the castle," he says. "When he gets back, he wants to see you. Should I tell him you're not up to it?"
Kairi just nods. She doesn't want to see anyone right now.
"Just rest then, okay, Kairi?" Lea says, his voice low. He reaches a hand for her right as she opens her eyes and her mind flashes back. She flinches, cowering away from him with wide eyes, and he looks just as full of surprise. He snatches his hand back, rubbing the back of his neck with it.
Without another word, he leaves the room, closing the door behind him.
Kairi sleeps like she's on a choppy sea, fitful bursts of shadows mingling with sporadic lulls. She sees the red walls of the Red Room, the inside of a dark carriage, and a set of unsettling green eyes that hurt to look at. She feels hands holding her down on her stomach, hears fabric ripping, feels nails digging into her breast. She tries to wake from her nightmares, but they keep her snared in thick, inky ichor that stains her psyche black.
She knows she put up the best fight she had, but she hates herself for not being strong enough to fight harder. And as the memories cut and maim her in flashes all throughout the night, she wakes with a clammy back and sweat dripping down her scalp and under her arms.
How silly she was to think she could put it all in a box and forget about it two days later.
Kairi doesn't leave her room, but she does leave her bed.
There's a bathroom joined to her bedroom and she gets up to use it. She doesn't look at herself in the mirror because she's afraid she'll break the glass, but she brushes her teeth over the clawfoot bathtub. She hates that she's broken down. Hates how weird it feels to be back home in her room when it doesn't feel like it belongs to her anymore. She despises how much she jumps whenever she hears anyone walk down the corridor.
It takes her three hours of sitting on the floor in front of her wardrobe to muster up the courage to get dressed. She puts on clean undergarments. They look too pure for her against the backdrop of a body she believes is filthy. They're plain and modest, and she thinks she's soiling them just by touching them. She almost rips them off and walks back to her bed naked like the whore she feels she is, but she knows the mortification of Lea seeing her nude body would be worse so she doesn't.
After pulling on a simple blue dress with a floaty skirt, Kairi walks to the balcony doors. The curtains have been drawn shut and she wonders if she should open them. She's scared. Scared of seeing a perfect day that reminds her that in the midst of her nightmare, everyone else was sleeping soundly.
Kairi leaves the curtains closed and goes to her bed, curling up and staring blankly at the wall.
A knock comes at her door a while later.
Lea pokes his head in. He's got the hood of his sleeveless vest up and his cheeks are flushed. A water bottle is in one hand and his gummi phone is in the other. He's smiling but it's not reaching his eyes, and when he sits down on the chair he'd pulled up next to the bed the night before, the smile fades to a worried frown.
"Sorry I didn't come sooner," he says. "I was sparring with Ven. He's back for a couple days before he goes on a new mission."
Kairi blinks, studying the pattern on the lush carpet. It's so much louder than the plain red walls of the Red Room.
"Do you feel like talking about it?" he asks, his voice low. "About what happened?"
Kairi's eyes snap to him. Her voice is a whisper.
"No."
"Well, that's okay. I think the King is going to want to know, though. He can't exactly bring them to justice without knowing all of their crimes. He doesn't want them to get less time than they deserve."
"I don't want to talk about it. What I want is Sora." Her voice is still raspy.
"I know that, Kairi, but you can't." Lea presses his lips together in a thin line. "We need to keep you separate until you can tell us everything."
"You think he tried to rape me, don't you?" She asks because she knows the answer, and she has wrapped that question in so much barbed wire that her own fingers are bleeding.
Lea opens his mouth to answer, and when the flush of his sparring session drains from his face like rushing water, she knows he's pricked his fingers on the barbs, too. He's gripping the bottle and the phone with white knuckles.
He opens his mouth to speak, but Kairi finds that she doesn't really care to hear the answer. The feeling of betrayal cuts deep and she can't look at him anymore. She doesn't know if she can look at any of her friends if this is what they think of Sora.
"He's been acting strange, and we all saw the darkness take over him in Radiant Gardens," Lea says, and Kairi finds that the explanation offers no solace. "The King—we are just being careful."
"That doesn't mean he's a rapist, Lea," Kairi replies, allowing the vines of bitterness to twist around every word that she says. She closes her eyes because she can feel a white-hot anger bubbling up within her that she doesn't know what to do with. She wants to shoot it at Lea, but she can't. She wants to shoot it at the King, but she can't. She wants to shoot it at all of her friends, but she can't.
She turns it back in on herself, and her breath catches in her throat from the intensity of it.
"I know," Lea says putting his elbows on his thighs as he hunches forward. He gazes down at the floor, his eyes lowering in what Kairi can only attribute to guilt. "But what Namine and I saw…you were screaming so fucking loud. And then we walk in and see him standing over you the day after the darkness took over him during battle? You have to understand how it looked."
"Did anyone think to ask him for his side?" Kairi asks, her voice wavering with a tornado of fury and sadness. "Or are we all just waiting on me because you don't trust him?"
"We know his side," Lea says, setting his water bottle on the floor and keeping a hold of his phone. "But everything is complicated right now, with the darkness being a factor."
"So you think he's lying."
"I didn't say that."
"And you think I'm lying to protect him, don't you?" Lea's silent, so she shouts. "Don't you, Lea?!"
He looks away.
Kairi squeezes her eyes shut. Sora would never. Sora would never, ever in a million years. Not even with the darkness. But when she thinks about how disgusting it is for her friends to believe that about him, she feels her stomach heave. She wants to throw up.
So she does.
She rolls over and retches onto the floor, scalding hot bile tearing at her throat as she spews it onto the carpet. Lea's hand goes to her upper back, but it doesn't feel comforting. It makes her skin crawl but she's still vomiting, so she can't shake him off. She's forcing back her tears, refusing to let him see her cry, and she realizes that she doesn't want him to be anywhere near her.
"Get out," she moans. "Just get out."
"Kairi," Lea says, eyes wide. "I'm sorry. We—"
"Just get out!" she says louder, her eyes blazing bright and blue as they latch onto his. Her voice is thin and reedy, but he recoils as if slapped.
"Okay," he says, sighing.
Lea leaves the room and it's cold in the absence of the natural flame of his spirit.
Kairi's throat scratches and stings with the burning of her stomach acid, and she finds that it's even harder to breathe than before. She leans down and grabs Lea's discarded water bottle, guzzling the rest of the liquid down as fast as possible. She feels her stomach roil and it all comes right back out just as quickly, soaking the carpet as it spews from within. She's crying and she doesn't understand why no one is giving him the benefit of the doubt.
The thought of Sora raping her makes her physically ill.
She stares at the ceiling for a long time, at the elaborate paintings that decorate it, at the little cherubs and whispering clouds. She feels like she doesn't deserve to be watched over by angels. After the Duke, after the violent guards and their darkness, she doesn't deserve the protection of any sort of heaven.
Still, she stares at the ceiling and imagines she's lying atop one of the puffy clouds, floating forever like she desperately wants to.
When Kairi finally bathes, she scrubs the apex of her thighs until it hurts, until particles of her own blood stream up to the surface of the cold water. She washes five times, and still does not feel clean. Her body shivers, her teeth clacking together, but she scrubs for thirty minutes. She scrubs until her arm muscles are too weak to keep moving the loofa, and then she sits in the water until her toes are pruned and her legs are numb. She sits there past the point of mobility, until she has to crawl out onto the bathroom floor. She feels the pins and needles bouncing up and down throughout her body, curls into a ball in bed, and passes out.
Her dreams are nightmares. She remembers the way the guard strangled her. She remembers the vicious way the second guard had twisted the peak of her breasts. It hurt so badly she can still feel the pain when she thinks of it. She remembers the sick way the Duke had still tried to get his fill of her, even while the battle raged on outside of the carriage. She remembers everything and wonders how in the multiverse Sora could ever be like them.
"The body is only the foundation of the tower. Next is the spirit. The soul. Then comes strength. The will to live. The mind. And finally…the heart."
The Duke's voice was like a demon's.
Kairi wakes up. She can't tell how long it's been, but it's dark. There's a wooden plate of food on the bedside table, some dried meat and fresh fruits, but she feels nauseous at the thought of it touching her tongue. She curls in tighter on herself, keeping her hands against her stomach, and tries not to think about the hands that had destroyed her. Tries not to think about the darkness they'd tried to devour her with. She can feel it in her abdomen, in her chest, in her arms and legs. It's not consuming—it's just there. But it's enough to remind her that she's weaker than she thought she was.
The door creaks open at some point, the light from the castle corridor spilling into the room. Lea pokes his head in. Kairi knows her room smells like vomit, that her bath was for nothing because she reeks, but she's too depressed to care.
"The King is back," Lea says. "He knows you don't want to see anyone right now. But he's calling everyone back from their missions. For a meeting."
Kairi keeps her eyes fixated on the door behind his head. "Why?"
"He wants the details so the prisoners can be properly judged."
"In front of everyone?"
"We're on the council, Kairi. The King isn't going to make decisions without hearing all of the Keybearers' thoughts."
Kairi's chin begins to quiver. She doesn't want to talk about it. She doesn't want them all to know what the men did to her. She doesn't want to tell them how her only hope was the fact that she thought Sora would come for her. She doesn't want to tell them how many times she kept her tears in, telling the Duke how Sora would come for him.
And now they've taken Sora away from her.
Lea worries his lower lip between his teeth, studying her as if trying to read her mind. "I don't know what happened to you there, Kai, but we need to know."
"I know," she whispers.
"Everyone will be here soon, in the next few days," Lea says. "Keep resting until then. And eat, please?"
The door creaks closed and Kairi cries herself to sleep.
Kairi wakes up with her hair plastered to her skin, feverish beneath the scrutiny of the cherubs above her.
She wants to feel relieved to be awake but it's hard when her bruises ache and throb and remind her that her nightmares are actually memories. Whether she's awake or asleep, it doesn't matter. The guards still assaulted her, the Duke still molested her, and her friends still think Sora's untrustworthy.
Kairi gets up to bathe and, like yesterday, doesn't bother to make the water hot. She lets the iciness chill her to the bones. She wants to freeze away their touch, to hold it in place so she can chip it away in large chunks and watch it shatter against the ground and melt into nothing.
She's numb when she gets out of the tub, again, and she limps to her wardrobe. She puts on an oversized black sweater and some cotton pants and turns to go back to bed. The smell of vomit is still present. It hits her nose with full force, a reminder of her shame. She doesn't have the strength to clean it, so she knows eventually, she'll have to call for a maid. She doesn't want to, though. She doesn't want to be scrutinized.
Perching on the end of her bed, her shoulders hunch over as if they can protect her from her own mind. She can't forget the sound of the Duke's voice, screwing its way into her eardrums and lodging permanently in her head. She can't forget the whip, tearing the flesh from her back in strips. She can't forget the terror she'd felt when she realized she couldn't fight off both of the guards.
Who would she be if the Duke hadn't decided to take her in the carriage? If the guards had gotten their way?
Would she even be alive right now?
The door opens. A sudden onslaught of voices causes Kairi to panic and fall onto the floor. She scrambles backward, her eyes wild and her heart pounding, holding up a hand to ward away whoever it is. Had the Duke escaped his cell? The Matron? The noise is too much, the presence of life too much. Why are there so many people here? Why did they all have to come at once?
"Kairi?" Queen Minnie's sweet voice comes out as a gasp. She stops in front of the small entourage she's brought with her. The mouse holds out one gloved hand, signaling to everyone else to stay put. Then, she creeps towards the foot of the bed. "Oh, sweetheart…there's nothing to be frightened of. It's only me, Minnie Mouse."
She can't be mean to Minnie. She wants to. She really wants everyone to leave her alone. But she can't.
Kairi pushes her hair behind her ears, drawing her knees to her chest. Warily, her eyes pass over the people with the Queen. She sees Daisy, the King, a maid, and her eyes linger on Lea before returning to Minnie.
"Do you think you feel up to talking?" Minnie asks, one hand on the comforter and the other held against the front of her dress.
Kairi shakes her head, wetting her lips nervously. She doesn't want to relive the memories aloud any more than she wants to relive them in her sleep. She feels like a fallen bird, a baby that's not ready to fly, and her wings are broken and bent. She can't trust anyone, no one at all, and she wants to crawl under the bed and hide.
Minnie turns to look at the King, an expression passing between them that Kairi can't really see, and then the King approaches his wife's side. His eyes are thick with concern as he places his hand on Minnie's lower back.
"Please, Kairi," he says. "We just want to help you get justice."
Kairi bites her tongue, not wanting to lash out at the King and Queen. She brings her brows together in frustration and stares resolutely at the carpet beneath their feet. She's bitter, so bitter that a dragon would spit her out in distaste.
"Maybe we should give her some more time," Princess Daisy suggests. She frowns at the dried bile on the carpet. "And perhaps we should move her to a new room while this one is being cleaned?"
"Would you like a new room, Kairi?" Minnie asks. She offers a gentle smile, but it's not enough to calm the roiling waters of Kairi's heart. "We can move you anywhere you'd like. Perhaps another wing of the castle?"
"No," Kairi says quickly, her eyes meeting Minnie's for a brief moment. Sora's room is in the same corridor as hers. She won't risk letting them take her further from him than they already have. "I want to stay in this wing."
Her voice is flat, monotone, and she can tell it shocks everyone because the silence after she speaks is heavy. She knows she's different—she can see them regarding her as though she's a stranger, and she doesn't care. Because she is different. She's not the same Kairi, and she might not ever be again. She'd tried to tuck it all away into a box, only to have it come spilling out and poison her.
"All righty," the King says. "Lea, can ya check if Roxas' room is cleared out? I know he's just finished moving into Namine's. Daisy, do ya mind going to the kitchens and asking them to prepare Kairi breakfast?"
Daisy nods but before she goes, she hesitates and smiles at Kairi. "It's going to be all right now, Kairi, dear. You're home."
Kairi wants to scream. Not without Sora. Not without Sora.
She just wants to go to her new room and lock herself away in it.
Minnie signals kindly to the maid that they've brought with them, and she says, "Violetta, please start taking the clothing out of Kairi's wardrobe and preparing it to be moved. Thank you so much, dear."
The maid, a bunny rabbit with tall ears and big doe eyes, curtsies and gets to work.
The King crosses his arms over his chest. He doesn't say anything and Kairi knows he's refraining from asking her again if she wants to talk.
"When is the council meeting?" she asks as she stands up, dusting off the seat of her pants. "And how many will be there to hear about what happened to me?"
"Not everyone was called back," the King explains. "Don't worry. Just the core group."
"Does that core group include Sora?" Kairi asks icily.
"Yes, he'll be there," the King replies.
"Will I get to see him beforehand?"
The King exchanges glances with the Queen, who speaks next.
"It's best that you wait to see him until everything is settled, dear."
Kairi struggles to keep her temper in check. "I just want to see him. Where is he?"
"He's in the castle somewhere," the King says. "Kairi, why don't ya take your breakfast in the council room? I'd really like to talk to ya, if you're up for it. We all would."
Kairi turns her face away, arms crossed. "Not unless I can see Sora."
"You may not see Sora," the King says.
Minnie sighs and looks at him. "Dear. Don't you think you're being unreasonable?"
"I do not."
Kairi balls her hands into fists. "Then I'm not telling anyone anything."
The King puts his gloved hands on his hips. "If ya agree to come to the council meeting, we'll let ya see him when he gets back from his next mission."
"And when is that?"
"He'll be leaving in two days."
"For how long?"
"Might take about two or three weeks."
Kairi clenches her teeth. She'll have to wait an entire three weeks to see him? She doesn't understand why they're doing this. His darkness is something she can handle. It's not what they think it is.
"He wouldn't hurt me," she bites out.
"Please, Kairi," the King says sadly. "I'm only trying to do right by ya. Can't ya trust that this is for the best?"
"No!" Kairi cries, tears glittering in her eyes. "I want to see him, and I don't understand why everyone's treating him like this!"
There's a short silence before the King straightens his back. "I hate to do this to ya, Kairi, but I'm the King. This is what I've decided. We can postpone the council meeting until tomorrow, but not a day later. The prisoners are in this castle, and I need to know what they've done. Sora will be there, and ya can say hello. But ya won't be able to see each other alone until I say so."
Kairi wants to throw things across the room.
"Fine," she whispers, a tear sliding down her cheek. She wipes it away quickly. "Your Majesty."
The King and Queen say their good-byes, but Kairi doesn't listen or acknowledge them. She merely sits down and waits for Lea, watching the maid bustle about the wardrobe and wondering if it would be better if she just threw herself off the balcony.