All mistakes are my own please enjoy.
Bellatrix, 1 year after victory
I can't remember a time where I didn't enjoy a kill or the hunt.
I lived to see inferiors cower at the end of my wand. The screams that echoed in the dark only fed my ego confirming that I was just as good as the boys, just as ruthless.
I proved I belonged among the Dark Lord's faithful. It's hard being a woman in this world and even tougher to be taken serious by a group of men that believe a woman's value lies solely between her legs.
I set out to prove them wrong and I did.
During those initial but crucial years of his rise to power, I trained hard always pushing my body beyond its limit; I miscarried twice in the process. Those were the times I would cuddle those bloody sheets briefly before I quickly bundled them up and took them over to the fire place.
Rhodolphus never knew how close his dream of becoming a father had come to reality.
I wasn't like Narcissa, the tranquility of home-life bothered me, the relegation to breathing décor would have driven me to madness or at least that's what I tell myself. I chuckled in the dark bringing the cool glass to my head.
A chill comes over me when I think of all of the kids that died that day except these weren't blood stains on sheets their bodies littered the stone. Some couldn't have been no older than 13; I don't know when the body of a dead child bothered me but it did and after everything was over I felt empty; a hollowness that I had never felt before not even during my stay in Azkaban.
I didn't know how to handle it that feeling of regret.
I've never regretted anything in my life; there was never a side step, there was no hesitation, I killed without question, without thought, and I did it for the greater good, I did it for a man that had promised to love me and reward my deeds and loyalty with his love.
I sat up clenching my chest my heart began to race and I became angry.
At first, I thought his choosing of the mudblood was a slight against the Order and that soon after he would dispose of the girl. All men needed to have their fun, I believed it a phase so I sat quietly and watched. I became distressed as days turned to weeks, then months and as her belly grew so did my hatred for them both.
Betrayal, I had no other words for it. I had been betrayed. I thought I was above his games; I have never felt so cheap and used. I glance up at the portrait of my husband. He was dead thanks to the Dark Lord and his ill conceived plan to kill the leader of the giants, the very group that aided in our victory. He was beginning to make decisions like that, ones that I couldn't fully get behind.
With a shaky hand I placed the half drained glass on the table's edge. I toed the two empty bottles on the floor. It wasn't enough liquor in the cabinets to deny the fact that those kids weren't coming back and I regretted that.
Blaise, 1 year after victory
I watched Draco shake as he lifted the fork up to his mouth. I looked away not wanting my friend to see the pity in my eyes. I look up to find Pansy looking at me she's noticed it too, the dark circles under his eyes, the way loud noises set him off, and the shaking. At first it was subtle, a slight quiver of the hand a jumping of the eyebrow. Soon, it became none stop and we knew. He was using.
I thought of going to Lucius but didn't have the words to tell the man his only child was ill, abusing potions and whatever else he could get his hands on. They don't teach you that at least not in this world.
Dinner passes in silence, that is how we spend a Friday night out on the town. The up and coming movers and shakers of this new regime dinning in the finest of restaurants passed the time sipping hard liquor; each one of us careful not to mention the time before in an attempt not to push the other over the edge and into the darkness. Hogwarts wasn't mentioned and we didn't dare let the names of Potter and Dumbledore roll off our tongues.
It was too soon.
Even a year later, and the memories was still vivid, the smell of flesh burning and the screams only seemed to intensify each night.
I'm lying to myself. I haven't gone to Lucius because Draco is like me. He's trying to cope, how can I take that away from him, I couldn't do that to a friend.
I grab the glass of scotch and drain it in one gulp. Pansy does the same and quickly raises her hand flagging down a waiter. The flash of skin is brief as she lowers her arm as quickly as she raised it, but I can see the neat lines that trail down it.
He hurriedly comes over to the table bottle in hand as if he already knows. I think we drank to forget how cowardly we were, we are.
Pansy looks away and I take a moment to study her, she's thinner than usual her collar bone poking through the thin silk fabric. It's in the dim light of the place that I can see the layers of makeup she put on no doubt to hide the shadows that have taken up residence on her once smooth face. I want to help her, I need to save someone.
Pansy, 1 Year After Victory
I look away, I was supposed to marry this man once we had graduated at least that was the plan, my parent's plan. They are still pushing for me to become the next Mrs. Malfoy.
At one point in my youth, I had wanted it as well more than anything. Not now, so much has changed and I don't know if I can shoulder Draco's demons too. He has so many.
My arm itches and I resist the urge to roll up my sleeve and scratch I don't want Blaise to see the trail of cuts up my forearm.
Draco saw them once; he gave me a small nod and a sad knowing smile before closing the door to the bathroom leaving me alone with the small blade hovering over red angry flesh. I can't recall if I was relieved or disappointed. But I knew that night I couldn't marry him but at least he understood.
My mind quickly turns to Jake, my boyfriend. He's perfect. His family is wealthy, pureblood, and he's removed from all of this-that night. He doesn't know who I was before. He wasn't there at Hogwarts that night and the weeks following the Order's defeat.
I think that's why he's perfect, he doesn't know me, at least not the real me anyway.
I can see Blaise out the corner of my eye watching, studying me.
He does that a lot and I watch as his lips turn downward and I hear the heavy sigh. It's as if he knows my secret. I continue to look out the window pretending to be oblivious. That has always been my thing pretending to be dumb. People don't like smart pretty girls I learned that from watching Hermione. I frown thinking about her. I used to hate her. Her friends genuinely liked her, I didn't get that.
Guys seemed to really like her or rather that one guy; I don't recall his name.
I can feel his gaze intensifying, why won't he give up and stop trying to save me. I don't want to be saved, I want to be free. I want to be free from the memories, from the faces, from the guilt. I remember the conversation from two weeks ago.
"Pansy?" he whispered quietly almost too afraid to make any noise at all, "are you alright?"
The young woman didn't know how to respond, she still didn't. It was the Dark Lord and Hermione's reception and all of the major players were there. Pansy wasted no time in downing fluke after fluke of champagne the Dark Lord spared no expense for the grand affair. She had wobbled down the familiar corridors and found the loo.
It was the castle, it was the same and that made her stomach queasy. How could Hermione live here? With all that had happened, maybe the mudblood had gone insane after all.
Blaise had followed, he was worried he always worried. He didn't know if it was because deep down he loved her or if it was his own demons that demanded he offer up some form of penance for his deeds.
He stood outside the stall, "are you alright?"
He heard shuffling and a sniff, "no, how can you be so calm?"
Blaise wiped the stray droplet of sweat that had formed on his forehead. Why did being around her make him nervous?
He sighed, "I don't know, sometimes Pansy you have to forget. Look at Draco, he won't forget and it's killing him."
She slowly opened the door.
"Not all of us Blaise have the ability to shut out reality like you do." She stared at him her eyeliner smudged and mascara had created small trails below her bottom lashes.
Anger flared up in him and rushed forward and grab her arms yanking her up from the toilet.
"Is that what you think I do? I hear the screaming too Pansy, geez you and Draco are not the only ones struggling."
She saw he was sincere and the pain in his eyes betrayed the emotions his hard expression fought to hide. He released her and took a step back.
"I know how we can make amends." He licked his lips before continuing unsure of how this was going to go over.
Pansy nodded slowly for him to continue.
"The Resistance they are gaining followers. Right now it's small, underground."
"Oh God, do you have a death wish Blaise? So, it's The Order 2.0, right?" Her hand flew to her forehead, "you've got to be kidding me! Who is the sacrificial lamb this time Blaise? Because Potter and half of the original Order are dead and the few that remain are captured or in hiding somewhere."
She began to panic and Blaise pulled out his wand and quickly placed a silencing charm around them. Although this restroom was hidden you could never be too careful and he was sure if Pansy continued in a hysterical manner they would be discovered soon enough by a curious party goer.
He shook his head, "no. They are not like the Order. They are not bound by a sense of unrealistic moral obligation these wizards and witches want revenge. You see, the Dark Lord hasn't made good on his promises and they are growing disgruntled."
"Oh, okay, that makes me feel better, Blaise." She stated sarcastically.
"You don't get it, Blaise. What makes you think they are going to be any better than Dumbledore? He's too powerful now. He has all the power here. The Order they had Potter for God's sake! The Boy Who Lived!" She sat down heavily on the toilet and began to hyperventilate.
He immediately kneeled down in front of her and took her small pale hands in his. Pansy looked down at their intertwined hands, she didn't know what it was but she always liked the contrast of the deep hue of his skin against the fairness of her own.
"Breathe with me,Pansy," he whispered as he brought his forehead to rest against hers. The young woman closed her eyes as she felt a sense of calm wash over her as she mimicked the deep breath the young man had drawn in. They stayed that way for several minutes taking deep breaths and blowing them out gently.
"We could leave," she whispered breaking the silence, "you and me."
He bit his bottom lip nothing would have made him happier than to leave right now with her and forget this place but he couldn't. He had made a vow to himself to bring the Dark Lord down and to aid the Resistance in whatever way they needed his assistance and he would recruit more for the cause.
"I can't." His voice broke and Pansy snatched her hands from his and brought her head up to look down at him. He met her eyes.
"You told me you loved me once, you remember that Christmas we stayed behind at Hogwarts. You said you were drunk and that you didn't mean it. I didn't believe you."
"Which part?"
"The part about you being drunk. If you love me, really love then why don't we leave, we can be together and forget about everything here."
He looked at her before standing.
"I can't; I promised."
She looked hurt and Blaise had to bite down on his bottom lip; he wanted nothing more than to be with this woman and her suggestion of them running away together pleased him and warmed his heart but it was not possible.
"So your promises are greater than your love?"
"Yes." His answer was simple and tears rolled down her cheeks.
"Fine, good luck with your suicide pact."
He sighed before turning and walking away.
Pansy looked down at her the plate in front of her. She didn't know what to say or do anymore.
She jumped when she heard the crash of glass on the floor Draco had reached out and grabbed a passing waiter by the arm causing the young man to drop the tub of dishes he hand in his hand.
"Get me another drink," he slurred as he leaned over nearly falling out of his seat.
Blaise quickly grabbed him pulling him upright.
"Let's go Draco, you've had enough."
Draco roughly pulled back from his friend. "Don't tell me what I need Blaise. You sound like my father.
Blaise looked over at Pansy and she nodded. People were staring; it was time to get him home before he began rambling and shouting. Blaise roughly pulled him up from the table and began guiding him to the front of the restaurant. No doubt Blaise would take him home by floo.
As if on cue the waiter brought over the bottle of scotch as if sensing her need for further numbness. She waved him off and he reached into his apron pulling out the check and placing it beside her plate.
It was late and she didn't need another one; she would have to pretend to be the perfect girl Jake's parents tomorrow morning. In order to do that she needed a clear head.