Chapter 3 - Guilt

Jon didn't sleep for the rest of the night.

He knew it was stupid. They'd made it back. They hadn't been caught; their plan had gone off without a hitch. It was over now. Even though he really didn't think the whole thing had been worth it, there was nothing he could do to change his choice.

Sam wouldn't be mad at him. What he didn't know couldn't hurt him.

But Jon knew. And it was hurting him.

Still, he wasn't going to say anything that would get Jonathan into trouble. He tossed and turned in the bed Sam had given him, between the soft new sheets Sam had bought.

Jon padded out into the kitchen at around seven in the morning, eyelids heavy and limbs heavier. Jonathan was already there, putting on the coffee. "Hey," Jonathan said, and he grinned.

"Hey." Jon couldn't smile back.

Jonathan's grin faded a little. "You're not gonna say anything, are you?"

"No," Jon said. Then something occurred to him. "What if he already knows?"

"How could he know?" Jonathan pulled out the milk and cereal.

Jon shifted his weight. "I don't know. But he always seems to know, like, everything."

Jonathan frowned. "I mean, he doesn't have any proof, right? Who's gonna tell him, Lieutenant?"

"I guess you're right."

Jon went through the motions of getting out a bowl and spoon, even though the thought of eating made him feel kind of nauseous. He'd have to force himself anyway, if he was going to keep Sam from getting suspicious.

Jon was halfway through breakfast, sitting at the table beside Jonathan, when Sam came in, wearing a robe over his pajamas like he usually did in the mornings. Jon couldn't make eye contact with him.

"Hey Granddad," Jonathan said. "We put the coffee on."

"Thanks, Jonathan," Sam said, and he patted Jonathan's shoulder as he passed into the kitchen, behind them.

Jon lifted another spoonful of cereal, but he knew he wasn't going to be able to swallow it. He lowered it, pulling his phone out of his back pocket and scrolling on it, even though there was nothing to look at.

"You boys sleep well?" Sam asked.

Jon shrugged, and Jonathan muttered, "Yeah, fine."

Something about the silence after their answer rang in Jon's ears.

He swallowed hard. Sam knew.

Sam came around to stand in front of them, and he crossed his arms. "Heard the door open last night."

Jon's heart dropped into his stomach. It was almost a relief. Almost.

Jonathan shrugged a little too casually. "Lieutenant wanted out."

"That why I heard both of you shuffling around in here?"

"He . . ."

Jon nudged him in the arm. "I don't wanna lie," he said.

Jonathan gave him a look that Jon figured was supposed to be confusion, but then he looked up at Sam and cringed. "We just went for a walk."

"Dude, I said I didn't wanna lie." Jon looked up at Sam. "We took the boat."

Sam gasped. "You what?"

Any relief Jon had felt was gone.

"Nice going," Jonathan said. "Now he's gonna kill us."

"He already knew," Jon said. "He always knows. I told you . . ."

Sam gave Jonathan a look. "Jonathan, I'd listen to Jon L if I were you. I've got half a mind to wash your mouth out for lying."

Jonathan's face turned red, and he lowered his head.

"There was a party," Jon said, his head hung as low. "On the Millers' dock."

"Lemme guess. Their parents are out."

Jon winced.

"You drink?"

"No!" Jonathan yelled.

Sam raised his eyebrows and looked at Jon.

"We each took a cup of beer so we wouldn't look weird, but we agreed not to actually drink it. I didn't, I don't know about..."

"I didn't. I swear."

"Okay. I believe you. But you boys aren't even allowed to take the boat by yourselves during the day."

"I know," Jonathan muttered, while Jon stated a quiet, "Yes sir."

"Hell, I don't take that boat out at night. Damn hard to see out there. You know how easy it would be to hit something and go down out there? You boys wear life jackets?"

Jon's heart sank even deeper. "No sir."

Sam started counting on his fingers. "You snuck out in the middle of the night. You stole my boat. You endangered yourselves. You went to a party you knew I wouldn't have let you go to. And you, Jonathan, lied to my face."

Jonathan flinched. "Sorry, sir."

"Jonathan, pack up. You're going home. Jon L, go wait for me in your room."

Jon swallowed hard and obeyed. He didn't have a choice.

Sitting on his bed behind a closed door, Jon pulled his knees into his chest. He took deep breaths, but he couldn't slow his heartbeat. He knew he shouldn't have done it. What was he expecting to happen?

At one point, he took his phone out of his back pocket to check the time, and he bit his lip. Sam had just bought him the case for the phone. He'd even let him pick it out. Jon didn't deserve any of it.

He listened for the door to open and close, and he heart Lois's voice—he couldn't make out the words, but her tone sounded clipped. The house was silent for a few minutes before Sam's voice called, "Jon?"

Jon stood on shaking legs, and he managed to make it out to the living room to find Sam sitting on the couch. He forced himself to come stand in front of his guardian. "I'm sorry."

Sam looked more sad than anything. "Why'd you do it, son?"

It was the most obvious question, but suddenly all of his answers didn't make any sense. "Because I'm a bad kid."

"Stop that."

The harshness in his voice almost made Jon flinch. "I'm really sorry, sir."

"I want to know why you did it."

"I . . . I don't know, sir. I didn't want to, but . . ." He started over. He didn't want to get Jonathan in any more trouble than he was already in. "I really think I'd get caught, sir."

Sam sighed. "Did you know it was wrong?"

"Yes sir." On one level, this wasn't as bad as he'd expected. Sam wasn't yelling or enraged, and his voice wasn't soft and dangerous, either.

"You...did so much for me, and I..."

Sam sighed. "Son, I don't expect you to be perfect."

"But...it's still..." He blinked back tears. "Jonathan's your grandson, I'm... I'm more like your son. If I break your trust...it's worse. Because we're...sort of closer."

"Ah," Sam said. "Well, that's true."

Jon's eyes fell closed.

"What do you think we should do about this?"

Jon's heart beat hard, slow and steady. He knew what he had to do, but he really didn't want to. "Please. I'm really sorry."

"I know. But there are still consequences."

Jon winced, reached into his back pocket for his phone, and gave it to Sam.

Sam nodded and accepted it. "I'm also taking the basketball."

Jon felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. He knew he didn't deserve them, but the confirmation hurt so bad.

"You're in your room for the day. That's not a punishment; you just need to catch up on sleep. At dinner we can talk about how long you're grounded."

Grounding, too. It wasn't worse than he deserved, but the piling on felt like more than he could take. He turned slowly and walked to his room, speeding up as he went.

He just barely made it in the door before he broke down.

The two most amazing, generous gifts Jon had been given, Sam had taken back. Jon wondered if there was any hope of him earning them again. Of course, the thing he really wanted to earn back was Sam's trust; he'd taken a major step back there as well.

He laid himself down on the bed and buried his face in his pillow, trying to smother his sobs.

He should have known it wouldn't work. Sam was there in his room in less than a minute.

The side of the mattress dipped a little, and a warm hand cradled the back of Jon's neck. "What's on your mind?"

"I'm really sorry," Jon whispered.

"I'm not angry."

"Then why . . ."

"Because you need to learn."

Jon wiped away his tears, but new ones immediately replaced them. "I really loved my phone. And the basketball hoop."

"Son, you're not going to be grounded for long. A week or two."

"I don't care about being grounded."

Sam's eyebrows drew together. "When I say grounded . . . I mean grounded from your phone. And from basketball."

Jon sat up. "I get them back?"

"Yeah, you get them back!" Sam let out a laugh. "They're yours."

New tears streamed down Jon's face.

"Come here, Jon."

Jon slid a little closer to him on the bed, and Sam wrapped his arms around him.

"If something I do ever seems too harsh to you, you can always tell me."

"I didn't think it was too harsh."

Sam pulled him in a little tighter. "Permanently taking away your belongings is too much."

"So was stealing your boat."

Sam let go and looks him in the eye. "Jon, what you boys did was reckless and unsafe. It was also dishonest and disrespectful, and I've got no patience for it." He paused to let that sink in, then he chuckled. "It's the kind of harebrained stunt I woulda pulled when I was your age. The kinda thing I expect outta teenage boys. You come home, you take your licks, you think twice before doing it again. But that's all there is to it. We move on."

Jon sniffed. "You're not mad?"

"Nah. A little disappointed."

"I think that's worse."

Sam patted his shoulder, smirking. "It's not forever. Better choices next time."

"Yes, sir." Jon rubbed his face.

"Hey," Sam said, and he waited until Jon looked over at him. "I love you, Jon."

The words made everything better and worse at the same time. "I love you too."

"You okay, son?"

"Yeah, I'm okay."

"Good. But I'm gonna have to go a lot harder on you if you ever do something that dangerous again."

Jon winced. "Yes sir."

"How was that party?"

He shrugged, surprised Sam was even asking. "It was a good party, I guess. I think Jonathan had fun. But I kinda spent half the time thinking about how upset you were gonna be if you found out."

Sam smiled. "If you'd asked me, we probably could have worked something out."

"Really?"

"Let's talk about it more when your grounding ends, but . . . you were smart about a few things. Taking the beer but not drinking it. Heading home after a couple of hours. And I'd have heard about it if the cops got called, so I'm guessing there were no drugs or fireworks or anything."

"No, sir."

"Well, let's talk more about it later. I think it's time you get some sleep."

"Yes, sir." He finally felt like he could.

Sam stood from the bed. "I'll bring you lunch in a little while, and I'll let you come out for dinner."

"Thank you, sir."

Sam left the room, but Jon heard him whispering in the hall, and a moment later, Lieutenant trotted in and jumped up on Jon's bed, licking his face.

"Okay, okay." Jon scratched behind Lieutenant's ears and settled into bed, letting the dog lie down with him. He ran his hand over Lieutenant's back a few times, but he couldn't keep his eyes open, and he was out in less than a minute.