Hold On
Success is the sum of small efforts repeated day in and day out
This is my story, and although some elements might be exaggerated this is exactly as I remember it "Sam" was the first word I remember hearing, it felt like it had echoed in my head a thousand times and each time it had gotten louder
"Stop" I heard myself say, but the noise that was still coming at me lead me to believe they weren't listening "Stop" I yelled louder closing my eyes for the echo I'd given myself; the pain was excruciating.
"Sam" Someone was stood over me in a white coat, I panicked trying to work out what was happening "It's okay" the person rested his hand on me, I saw it happen, but I didn't feel anything
"What?" I asked confused when he carried on talking over me
"Are you awake, do you remember what happened?"
"What happened?"
"Sam" he smiled "You've had a serious accident, you've damaged your spine, we're assessing the damage, can you feel this?" I couldn't feel a thing, I couldn't see his hand, so I didn't know when or what I was supposed to say
"No" I heard myself say
"Can you blink once for yes twice for, no?" he asked, I was puzzled because I'd just responded, but I blinked anyway telling him no "He can hear us, but that's about it I'm afraid, he's out of the coma, so we'll be able to monitor the impact the fall had on him, there's definitely some spinal trauma"
"Fall?" I asked rolling my eyes at the fact that only I could hear me talking "What fall?" I couldn't remember a thing past opening my eyes a second ago, but one thing was for sure I had no feeling in my hands, come to think of it I had no movement anywhere, a tear rolled down my face, I felt it get cold as it left my eye, and I couldn't even wipe it away
"Sam" some strange woman came towards me, she looked terrified, her arms opened to hug me, and I wanted to recoil, I hated human contact, I don't know why, I just knew that the thought of someone being that close to me repelled me "Sweetheart" she smiled putting me at ease "It's me, your mother, don't you remember me?"
I rolled my eyes before looking at her properly, trying to see the connection, but after a minute or so I couldn't find it let alone feel it, I could see the hurt on her face, but to be honest I had my own problems I was trying to work out where my damn body was
"Why doesn't he remember me" she asked the guy in the white coat, I lay thinking didn't he just say I'd had a damn accident?
"Mrs Evans" the man looked at her frustrated "We've been over this, but we'll walk through it again until you understand what's happening with your son" so my name was Sam Evans, I had a mom, and they couldn't hear me this was my day one
"Please tell me, I need to understand how I had a completely healthy ball player two days ago and today you're telling me he's paralysed from the neck down" I'm paralysed, that was the problem, if only I knew what the hell that meant
"From the information we have, and the injuries Sam has, it looks like he landed on his head instead of his feet, and broke the fourth cervical vertebrae, which bent his spine almost 90 degrees" okay that means nothing to me
"So, will he ever walk again?"
"We don't know Mrs Evans, it's much too early to make an accurate diagnosis"
"What will he do if he can't play?"
"That's definitely a conversation that will need to happen when he's more coherent"
"Will we be able to bring him home any time soon, he needs to be closer to family?" I lay there wondering where I was if I wasn't at home, I was playing ball, and it seems I was professional, but nothing came to mind, I was still totally blank.
"We wouldn't advise he be moved just yet; we'd need him stable, and of course we'd need to know a bit more about his injury before we could make that call" the guy told her "I'll be back in about an hour Mrs Evans, but the nurses will be doing their checks in the meantime" he nodded and then he was out of sight, I heard a door close and assumed he'd gone out of the room
"Why him" the woman I called mom was sat at the side of my bed looking up, I couldn't see anyone else in the room "he never took life for granted, we taught him to be grateful about his abilities, appreciate the skills god had given him. He worked hard, played harder, and you're telling me after all that you took it all away from him in three years" she rested her head on me, and I saw her body jerking telling me she was crying. There must have been some sort of connection in that moment, because I felt that cold wet on my face again seconds later it vanished into the ibis.
I lay taking in what she'd said just two days ago I was one hundred percent independent, doing my own thing, maybe living my own life and one fall, and I'm one hundred percent dependent again, and for how long, no one can say.
Her head suddenly jumped up as if someone in the room had shouted her name, I didn't hear anything, but my eyes focused on her. "So" she wiped her face "The sooner we accept this the sooner we can move to his recovery, lets focus" she was still looking up at the ceiling, but that word recovery stuck with me, I don't know how, but I understood it. She sat quietly with her eyes closed her hands clenched together so tight her fingers were white, with tears rolling down her face as if she was begging.
It hadn't seemed like an hour, to be honest I didn't know what one was, but the surgeon was back again, and this time he was talking technical I didn't understand a word of it "So, we'll need to realign his spine using a halo, it's a device we use to get inside the skull at four different angles, it's going to be painful no doubt" he warned
"How long is that going to take" my mom asked no concern with the pain they were thinking of inflicting on me
"It will take maybe three days at best, four at worst, there's around forty-pound of weight attached, and we slowly adjust them to strengthen the spine so we can get him ready for surgery"
"So, he'll need surgery too?"
"Yes" he smiled "But we'll talk about that when we get to it, let's get this first procedure over first"
And that was the beginning of it all, I can't explain the excruciating pain of having forty pounds handing from your head stretching you back into shape. Then after three days and a successful stretch, there was more information about restructuring my spine using bone from somewhere else in my body, I think at this point mom was trying to ensure I had every chance there was to a normal life, she was saying yes to everything they suggested. once the bone transfer was competed, I had wire wrapped around the affected vertebrae to fuse it together, everything was on track, and then I got an infection.
I'd been in a wheelchair at that time, it was a lot more fun, during the day mom took me out into the gardens, we'd have something to eat while she filled me in on the life I no longer had or even recognised, and then late in the evening she'd disappear. I wanted to ask her where she went, she'd already said she didn't live around where we were, but the question stayed in my head, along with everything else.
"We need to get him into surgery as soon as possible" the surgeon, Roderick told us
"Sorry son" mom said genuinely sorry, I rolled my eyes, she'd promised after the last one, it was a never again, she'd seen me cry with the pain and made the decision, but now here we were again.
I don't remember much about the surgery all I know is that when I came around, I was in bed, and that was where I stayed until I was transferred to a specialist spinal cord unit near home, which I found out was somewhere in Texas. Mom had a brother Uncle Steven and his wife who came around to pigeon help, the woman made tea, while my so-called uncle tended the garden, ate lunch and left every Wednesday. I was so isolated I became the worst version of myself according to my mother, my grouse bathroom behaviour had seen me get rid of three nurses in less than two months, mom was at her wits end.
"Sam" mom sat by my bed and grabbed my hand, she looked tired "I can't do this alone sweetheart, I need you to be kind to these help, or you'll have to go away, I really don't want that, but you're giving me no choice" she cried at me, it was obvious she was desperate about the whole thing, I would have been too, had the shoe been on the other foot.
I took a second to think about what she'd said, I sat in my wheelchair looking around the room, it was clear I was something of a hero in my old life. Through my mom's eyes, it seemed football was my life, and yet after four months of near-death experiences I hadn't had one visitor, so maybe that was what my anger was all about. To hell with them, I told myself, maybe I didn't have much time for friends during my climb, and if I didn't then why the hell should I need them now.
The first thing mom had told me was that we'd lost dad six years ago, unexpectedly, he'd been on a job, he was a long-distance lorry driver, I gathered that from the photo's in my room, and the stories mom told me about him, she'd been here before in the role of carer. He'd survived for three weeks after the crash, mom said he couldn't do anything for himself, but his wish had always been to see his last days at home, and she did her best to honour that. This wasn't my wish for her to be doing this for me, but I learned to be hell of a grateful
I finally looked back at my mom, I felt it for her, I knew I was being an ass, but these people she kept bringing in didn't even understand how frustrating it was to need to scratch an itchy nose and have people stood in front of you not having a clue what your needs were and getting paid to not know. The communication difficulties I was having where driving me crazy, but still I didn't like seeing my mom like that, so I promised myself that I would try with the next one.
That opportunity came nearly two weeks later when another nurse came into my life, I could tell by the look on her face she'd been warned about me, straight away I knew she wasn't the right fit. "Sam" mom walked onto the patio, where I was sitting taking in nature, "This is the new nurse, Cedes, she's from overseas and she'll be living in" she smiled at the woman "So please be on your best behaviour". Great I thought, now she can't even understand a damn word I'm thinking "I'll leave you to get acquainted" mom snapped and left the patio
"So" this Cedes woman walked round to stand in front of me "This is the Sam Evans" she looked into my eyes with attitude, and a smirk on her face
"Are you laughing at me?" I relayed that by narrowing my eyes at her
"I'm laughing because I know what I've got in store for you, Mr Evans" she replied, I widened my eyes, surely, she didn't hear me, did I speak, I was baffled "Your eyes speak louder than your mouth" she chuckled
"Well, if they do, you know I'm telling you to walk before I push" to be fair, her English was impeccable, I wasn't expecting that. Without any more conversation she wheeled me through to my bed and hoisted me on top of it, all the time I was asking what the hell are you doing, of course she was ignoring me
"I think I'll be the one doing all the pushing don't you?" she laughed again, next thing I knew she was doing something with my body, but I didn't know what it was at first, and then I saw my knee in the air "They'll be no use if you don't use them"
"Did you not get the memo" I rolled my eyes at her "They are never going to work again, I'm never going to walk again, just leave them alone"
"Do you believe in the power of prayer Sam?" she was rubbing my leg, but I couldn't feel anything "Your mom does, she prays several times a day, and it's all for you" she put that leg down walked around the bed and put the other one up "So, the least you can do it act like you actually appreciate how she spends her waking day devoting all her blessings to you" she rubbed my leg again "The deal is, you get some feeling in your legs and we start to look at rehabilitation, deal?" she looked at me "Once for yes, twice for no, you know the routine" I stared at her for a while contemplating the deal before I blinked once, while I'd been laying on this bed day in day out, all I dreamed of was getting some feeling back, and here she was telling me that was possible, I warmed.
I threw everything into the possibility that I was going to feel again, became the model patient, even listened to mom as she sent her prayers up for healing "Had a good night last night?" Cedes walked in every morning with the same tone, I'd blink accordingly "Today's a fresh day Sam, it's going to happen today" ever the enthused, then I'd get the massages while she hummed along to something she'd be listening to through her earphones.
Over the months she'd told me a lot about what my life in football was like, and to be honest I wasn't a big-headed boss boy like I'd often dreamed I was, but the quotes in the papers made her laugh, and that made me happy enough to bring tears sometimes. We'd gone through my professional life and now ten months in, between mom and her they were filling me in on my life, mom would show me pictures trying to prompt memories, Cedes would add stories to the funnier pictures, I could never tell if they were true or not, but the stories made me laugh, and I suppose that was the point. Then in the evenings Cedes would give me up to the minute information on what was happening in the world today, according to our thirty somethings, from the viewpoint of a nurse of course.
"Why did you move then?" Cedes suddenly asked as if I knew I'd done it "Did you move" I blinked her a no, she looked at me smiling "Sam you moved" I blinked her another no "You did, you are" she screamed calling my mom in as she jumped in the air
"The power of prayer" my mom hugged me and looked up to the heavens, I was still trying to work out what had moved and why
"Your hip jerked at me grabbing it with my cold hands" she laughed waving her hands in the air "And before you ask, I always use cold hands, specifically for this reason"
"Thank the lord for cold hands" mom hailed
There were lots of celebrations over the following months, as feeling started returning bit by bit, it was a slow process but compared to what the original prognosis was, we had all the time in the world. The hospital appointments started coming thick and fast, as the marvel of what the medical profession called a miracle, unfolded before them. My senses were coming back, I could feel tingling in my back, my legs still weren't moving but I could feel sensations in my hips, the back of my neck had a constant pressure that might have been an ache, but I was grateful for anything that meant I could feel, it's amazing what you miss when you don't have something you've taken for granted your whole life.
Things were going well; I was so happy with my progress I wasn't even finding the time to be horrible to Cedes, in fact she'd turned out to be quite the singer, and I enjoyed hearing the angelic noise around the place. Mom was slowing down some, at nearly fifty, and with everything she'd been through with dad, I should have guessed there wasn't much wind left. I started noticing she was taking a lot of naps, and then out of the blue Uncle Steve started visiting a lot more, so it shouldn't have been a surprise when Cedes woke me in the night to tell she'd been taken to hospital. But in all honesty, it scared the shit out of me, the thought of being left all alone to fend for myself with no one having my back was terrifying, I was frustrated that I couldn't visit her, I was totally dependent on information from Uncle Steve.
It was five days, but it seemed like weeks before she came home, she was in a wheelchair, hers wasn't as sophisticated at mine, but between us we gave Cedes twice the work, and she took it on without a whisper of complaint. After a year of care, I'd say Cedes became a firm friend to the family, if not like a daughter to mom. Mom was never wheelchair bound, she rested in it sometimes, but she wasn't dependent like me. Don't get me wrong I wasn't always sweetness and light, Cedes had taken my crap, and even thrown it back at me with full force at times, and that made me respect her.
We quickly got a new routine going, mom's needs tended to work around mine, she'd sit with me more in the afternoon's and talk to me about her life with dad, me and even before she met dad, anything to break the silence, but I loved to hear her. Then one afternoon when I'd expected her, she didn't turn up, Cedes came into the dining room smiling at me, my worried look made her talk
"Uncle Steve came and took your mom out, I believe they've gone to tea" Cedes smiled at me "And I wish I had all day to keep you company, but I have to clean and cook before she gets back, if you haven't eaten there'll be hell to pay" she walked away her backside shaking with every step, I found my mind wondering what it would be like to eat her, I blinked with surprise as I felt my face burning red like it used to when she first started nursing me. Exposing all your bits like that to someone your age that wasn't half bad to look at, got you like that, but lucky for me nothing was working down there, so I was cool.
She was humming to the music, going about her tasks and there was nothing for me to do except watch her when she came into view, I craved more for seeing her. "My mom used to love this one" she turned to look at me "I miss her so much" she frowned "I can see her now, in the middle of the living room shaking her booty like she didn't care who was watching her" she giggled "Want to hear it?" I blinked once and smiled. She plugged into my pod and started dancing like no one was in the room singing along to some rhythm and blues song, I was bursting to get out the chair it really was a classic. I sat nodding my head watching her move and getting redder with every move, suddenly my head was pumping over time, it felt like I was going to burst a vessel, and then an almighty jerk, that I could only feel in my head and parts of my hip something happened, I looked at Cedes but she was so into her memories she wasn't watching me. I was wet, and I didn't even feel like going, I was in panic mode and didn't know what to do next
"You alright?" she suddenly turned to look at me, she always felt things that weren't said, I blinked once to distract her "You're not, what's up?" she walked towards me "You've had an accident" she looked down at my pants "Never mind we'll clean that up" she took the cleaning gloves off and pushed me towards the bathroom, she was behind me so she couldn't see me blinking the hell out of a no as we moved along. I could feel the blood pumping in my head as I tried to hold back the shame she was going to see in my eyes when she washed me.
I was up on my bed within minutes, the machines knew what they were doing, then she was undoing my buttons "What's up?" she asked me again "You embarrassed?" she smiled "Sam Evans, you know I've seen you naked a thousand times, don't be awkward with me" she laughed, I didn't see her face when she realised exactly what was in my pants, but when she looked at me again, she was smiling "If I'd have known you were coming I'd have bake a cake" she tapped my chest "At least we know you've got the use of a few more muscles" she pulled the pants and trousers off my body "Keep it up" she walked over to my wardrobe for move clothes "And I mean that in every sense of the word" she laughed, all I could do was smile, I actually felt proud.
Over the weeks I had more accidents, Cedes seemed to be stimulating me by just being there. I was getting back my hand movement too, the tingling had slowed so I was able to move my hands to face upwards, and back down, which meant I was able to sort of control my wheelchair. The feeling had started in my hips, months earlier had moved to my calves, and up my body to my waist. Cedes daily exercises were proving beneficial, she'd never given up, regardless of my lack of enthusiasm in the beginning, every day after mom's prayers she'd go through the routine. I'd like to say it wasn't, but I know in my heart it was their determination and commitment that got me through.
Three months after that I was able to manage a manual chair, and I was slurring a few words, such freedom I'd never known. It had been two years since we'd started this journey together, and to be honest I didn't think we were going to get there, but I had things going on in my life that I could genuinely smile about. I was at a point I could have only dreamed about back then, feeling sensations for the first time was amazing, you can imagine there was a lot of crying along the way. I don't know what Sam before was like but living in a house with laughter and song for two years had rubbed off on me, I wanted laughter and provoked it most of the time.
"How about you teach me about sex" I slurred at Cedes one afternoon, I was feeling cheeky anyway
"How about I teach you about respect, love and marriage" she laughed
"I can do those" I rose my eyebrows at her making her laugh harder
"I controlled you better when you didn't move"
"You want to control me?" I waved my hand in the air "No way"
"Okay" she smiled "We'll see"
"We will" I smirked watching her walk around the room
"I'll give you sex lessons, when you start walking" she snapped
"Not fair" I giggled knowing in my mind I was taking the challenge
I started using the weights every day instead of the scheduled twice a week, started drinking that healthy stuff I had fought against for as long as I could remember, and two months on I felt like I was in a good place. At my physio sessions I was the one encouraging the therapist to let me get up, pushing myself on, unsure whether I wanted to stay dependent on Cedes to keep her close, or walk to have the chance of sex lessons with her.
Five months on she was doing her polishing thing again, singing her grooves, this one just sounded like the right time
I don't want to be one of them girls, that's locked in her man's world, you got to meet me halfway, show me some, don't just say
What I want to hear, what I want to hear, what I want to hear, what I want to hear
Tell me what you feel 'bout being' in love, what I want to hear, you ain't gon' say it, brother
I've been waiting' here patient, for you to show me love, I've been waiting' here patient, for you to be 'bout us 'Waiting' by Keke Palmer
She was all for me exercising those muscles, there wasn't shame anymore, just lust, sometimes she'd look straight into my eyes knowing I was getting off on my imagination of what sex would be like with her "Good?" she turned laughing
"I need those lessons" I laughed
"You know what to do"
"This" I pushed myself out of the wheelchair and took four steps towards her
"Oh my god Sam" she gasped
"Sweetheart" mom screamed making me wobbling "Hold on" she pushed her arm in front of me
"I'm good" I smiled looking at Cedes
"I guess we need to get those lessons on the cards" Cedes smiled at me
"What lessons?" my mom asked
"Muscle strengthening" I laughed; I couldn't wait for my evening bed bath.