AN:Hello everyone! Classes have started again so I'm much busier than before. I expect my updates to be every 2-3 weeks from now unless I get lucky enough to have some free time.

No smut just sadness and Hinata's POV this chapter.

This chapter is shorter than I originally intended since I was supposed to combine this chapter with the next one but I didn't want to make you guys wait too long for an update. Let me know if you guys prefer longer chapters with longer update times or shorter chapters with shorter update times.

As always thanks so much for all the kudos, favs, subs and comments! I look forward to reading all your thoughts!

She was suffocating.

Was it the tightness in her throat blocking the flow of air from her lungs?

Or maybe it was his mouth devouring her as the weight of his body rocked purposefully against hers?

Or could it be the hungry hands that gripped her supple flesh, anchoring her down to earth as her mind floated away in pleasure?

Maybe it was just the weight of her mistakes bearing down on her chest.

The most likely answer was a combination of all.

Yet, the real answer was that fact that his passions only increased the more she pulled away.

Her denial of her love for him seemed to stir his desire. Made him ravenous, more needy, more greedy than before.

He kissed her like he needed her air to breathe, siphoning her breath for him alone. He handled her body in a way that made him seem like the foremost expert on her, like he could read through her soul with a simple look. He fucked her like she belonged to him and she wondered if he realized that she was his but he wasn't hers.

The bitter thought crossed her mind that her love was like a poison spreading through her veins, infecting her bloodstream, sapping away all the good parts of her until ultimately causing her destruction.

It's toxic.

It's addicting.

It's her downfall.

…

Labored breaths left her mouth, chest rising and falling erratically with the sluggish movements of her body.

It was pitiful.

Her legs felt shackled, tied together and weighed down. While her arms felt limp, weak and useless, turning into jelly with each shockwave of chakra wracking through her bones.

It was pathetic.

She was totally on the defensive, barely avoiding each strike, forcing her arms to absorb the brunt of the impact.

it was inadequate.

She felt it before she saw it. The chakra charged palm striked towards her chin ruthlessly. Her jaw clamped shut, baring the brunt of the pain that seemed to vibrate through her skull, instantly giving her a pounding headache. She fell backwards hitting the snowy pavement with a loud thud.

She was weak.

Unlike herself, Hanabi was never one to pull punches. She saw an opening and took it without a sliver of hesitation.

Hinata shut her eyes, letting the pain wash over her. The frigid snow seeping into her clothes numbed her skin. She felt the urge to turn over and let the snow numb her aching jaw but, of course, she didn't.

An echo of the past sounded in her ears, her father's words of derision, 'get up', 'don't cry', 'weak, useless, failure…'

Weakness always won.

That's how it's always been for Hinata. For as long as she could remember, her weakness dragged her down.

First, it was her kindness, her gentle nature, that made her so weak. It only ever held her back from being the person her father wanted her to be. A strong shinobi capable of leading the Hyuga. A daughter to be proud of.

Then it was her utter lack of talent. Whereas geniuses like Neji and Hanabi learned moves quickly, Hinata floundered like a baby kitten, never quite getting her footing. What they learned in a day may have taken her months or longer.

Neji may have been a caged bird but Hinata was the one who was never quite able to fly. Her wings weren't clipped but simply too small and weak to soar on her own.

But, then she found strength in a kindred spirit. Naruto was a failure like herself yet he never gave up. He always charged ahead with the intent to prove himself, to prove everyone wrong.

That strength… She admired it so much, she thought that if only a small bit of his light shone upon her then maybe she could be strong too. Instead of being a failure, she could be a proud failure like him and forge her own path.

It worked, for years it worked. His tiny sliver of attention brightened the sadness that stirred deep in her chest. She changed for the better, she was strong, she was capable, she could finally fly…

Her downfall was of her own design. Greed took over. She wanted more than the small flickers of sunshine he gifted her. She wanted so much more. Too much. So much so that her heart yearned for him.

Longing for him to want her the way she wanted him.

It was foolish.

The sun shared its warmth with everyone. Even the smallest flower felt like the most important thing in the universe when the sun filled it with life.

Her hopes were crushed. He couldn't love her, he didn't love her.

Beyond her wildest imagination, she made it through. She found her own strength without him. She was happy without him.

So why? Why did she have to ruin herself? Throw away all her strength just for the slightest bit of his affection, his desire…

God, she had never felt weaker than when his lips touched hers, drinking her in, draining the air from her lungs, forcing her to rely on him in order to breathe, as though he was her salvation.

It pained her to say that he was.

He ignited her senses, setting every inch of her aflame. Maybe the flames belonged in hell but every moment between them felt like heaven. But, she should have known it was fatal to dare touch the sun.

Like a sacrifice, she gave herself to him, losing a small part of her every time until she couldn't even recognize who she was anymore.

Now she was falling, drowning in the depths of her self destruction.

She hated the person she became. The person she was regressing into. That weak girl who didn't even like herself.

The worst part of it all was that she still craved him. He was her addiction. Maybe she could go a day or two without him before feeling the symptoms of withdrawal. Her body tremored, her heart ached, desperately needing him to hold her again, to mold her against him until she fell into him, forgetting herself once more…

"Nee-sama are you okay?!" Hanabi rushed to her side.

Hinata opened her eyes, dully staring at the worried expression on her sister's face and the hand she offered for a moment.

"I'm fine."

A small imperceptible smile graced her lips as she took the offered hand, rising up into her feet.

Things are different now, she reminded herself with a small breath. A shiver ran through spine as the wind hit the wet material of her black training outfit.

It wasn't like before when her father pitted them against each other, when a loss to Hanabi meant another notch of disappointment on her father's face.

Her eyes flickered over to her father, his face impassive as usual yet a hint of worry gathered in his brow.

She looked down at the white snow that covered her freezing feet. Somehow his worry only made her feel more ashamed at her self-imposed downfall. Disappointment would have felt more familiar.

"Come on, let's get you a change of clothes."

She barely registered the words Hanabi spoke. Didn't even realize she was in Hanabi's room until she heard the door shut.

Hanabi handed her a traditional black robe, commonly worn by the Hyuga. Well except for Hanabi who had taken a liking to the color orange like a certain Hokage.

Hinata bit back her thoughts, already feeling herself spiral. She hated how he permeated her thoughts.

It wasn't long after she changed when Hanabi bore her worried eyes on her older sister, looking at Hinata through the mirror as she healed her sore jaw.

"So, are you gonna tell me what's wrong with you?"

Hinata responded without missing a beat, her reply as dull as the look in her eyes "Nothing's wrong."

"Uh huh, like I believe that. You haven't lost to me since we were kids." Hanabi took a step closer, her eyes directly meeting Hinata's in the mirror.

Hinata blinked, shifted her eyes back to her jaw, almost done healing her injury. "You're strong Hanabi."

"Not stronger than you, not anymore."

Hinata didn't reply, instead turning to move past her younger sister. Unfortunately, Hanabi was persistent.

"Don't ignore me, Nee-sama. I'm worried about you." Hanabi looked down at her sister, taking in the pallor of her complexion, the tiredness in her eyes, "Are you sick?"

"No." Though, she supposed a sickness of the heart and mind may have counted.

"Then what's going with you?" Hanabi pressed on, without regard to Hinata's personal space.

Hinata sighed a little sadly, her eyes looking faraway, before smiling reassuringly, "I'm fine. You're my little sister, I don't need to burden you with my problems. I've burdened you enough already."

Hanabi rolled her eyes, "You never burdened me."

"I have, I always have." The self derision marred that Hinata's voice shocked Hanabi for a moment, before the realization hit her.

"Is this about the clan? You never burdened me, Nee-sama. I want to be the head of the clan but I know if I didn't, you would take over for my sake in a heartbeat."

"I burdened you because I was too weak and even now… I …" Hinata paused looking down at her feet.

"Come on, you never burdened me!" Hanabi placed both hands on Hinata's shoulders, "But now I know that whatever's bothering you is serious! Serious enough for you to feel like you can't confide in me!"

"Hanabi…"

"You always shoulder your problems but this time you can rely on me. Even though I'm your younger sister, I'm not a little kid anymore! Heh, I'm even taller than you now."

Hinata looked up, taking in the serious expression of concern on her sister's face and the fact that she had to look up in order to meet her eyes. For a moment, she wondered when her little sister had grown so much but she supposed that no matter how old or tall she got, Hanabi would always be her younger sister in her eyes.

"I … I've made some bad decisions lately…" Hinata muttered, feeling ashamed at her predicament but somehow she knew that Hanabi wouldn't judge her.

"Huh? Like what? With work? Or?..."

Hinata closed her eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath, before looking up at Hanabi again.

"It's about a guy isn't it?" Hanabi said almost a little bit excited before her eyes dropped low, glancing down and back up at Hinata's face in quick succession.

"Wait… are you pregnant?!" she half whispered, her voice rising in pitch just enough to express her shock.

"No! No… " Red littered her cheeks, as Hanabi seemingly continued to inspect her. She half expected her to use her byakugan to check.

"It's not that… " Hinata's voice wasn't much more than an embarrassed squeak.

"Then?..."

"It's about Naruto-kun…" Hinata whispered sadly. Her cheeks still red, she wasn't sure whether it was from Hanabi's question or the fact that she was thinking of admitting what happened between Naruto and her

Hanabi's face turned serious, "You still have feelings for him?" she said with a sympathetic tone.

Hinata nodded, her eyes flicking away to the side. She felt the heat rising to the tips of her ears, "I… we… we've been …. Intimate..."

Hanabi's mouth opened in a "o" shape, her eyebrows raising before her face turned somber. "Normally I'd be happy that you're putting yourself out there. I mean lord knows you need more fun in your life but… it's not fun anymore, it's making you sad, isn't it?"

"I made a lot of mistakes…" Hinata whispered, her heart aching at the thought of him, constricting so tightly, she felt as though she couldn't breathe. "I thought I was over him, that enough time had passed, that I could just be his friend… but those feelings I tried to extinguish were never completely gone."

Hinata looked down, the hot burn of shame digging into her chest as her fingers wrung together.

"I don't know what I was thinking… I knew that he would never love me. I knew that but I still… I wanted him so badly. Even if it was the tiniest bit of attention… I wanted it from him. I threw myself at him. I gave him my heart, my mind, my body… If I… I had known all along that all I had to do to get his attention was to take my clothes off… I…"

She felt Hanabi's arms wrapped tightly around her shoulders before she could even finish her sentence.

Her voice cracked, thick with tears as she burrowed into the soft material of Hanabi's kimono. She promised herself not to cry but she had shed more tears in the past two weeks than she had in years.

Shame washed over her. That she would sink so low. That she was so desperately in love that she would destroy herself for him. That she kept tearing herself apart so could she have the one part of him that he readily granted her.

How could a love that once made her feel like she could move the very earth, make her feel so… weak, so small?

Before she even realized, the source of her strength had turned into her greatest weakness, forcing her to regress into a person she didn't like very much.

"Hey, don't talk about yourself like that. There's nothing wrong with having sex… You don't have to feel ashamed. Not ever. Especially not with me." Hanabi told her firmly, her arms tightening around her as if wanting to take away the burden resting on Hinata's shoulders.

"I was foolish to think that I could just enjoy our time together… That my feelings wouldn't matter because at least I could have this part of him… But I'm an idiot, because I love him so much it hurts. It just hurts… but I keep doing it." A shuddering breath left her lips, her body trembling in Hanabi's arms as her younger sister cooed softly in her ears.

The warm embrace brought back the memory of her mother and the way she used to ease Hinata's worries when she would come back with bruises from training or when she felt the weight of her father's expectations anchor down her tiny shoulders.

Hanabi was too young to remember their mother. She didn't know her gentle voice or her warm embrace, or the way she used to stroke her hair while gently reassuring her that everything would be okay.

Yet somehow, Hanabi reflected that gentle strength and Hinata couldn't help but feel proud of her little sister, for being kind like their mother and strong like their father.

"What are you going to do, Nee-sama? I hate how this is affecting you…" Hanabi asked softly, gently petting the top of Hinata's head as her older sister rested her head on her shoulder while they sat on top of the bed.

"I have to end it…"I know I won't ever stop loving him… but I know I can't continue to hurt myself like this." Hinata whispered quietly, the tears had stopped flowing but she wasn't sure how long she had been crying while Hanabi consoled her. However, it still pained her to think of walking away from the person she loved more than herself.

"You deserve happiness." Hanabi stated softly before pausing, her voice raising in excitement, "Hey I know, why don't you go out for drinks with me and my friends? Who knows you might find a cute guy and forget all about our Hokage. They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else."

"H-Hanabi… I can't just… I only ever- with- Ichiro-kun and Naruto-kun… " Hinata sputtered in embarrassment, her cheeks profusely heating up.

"Well you don't have to sleep with anyone. You can just let loose and have fun. You know, forget about all your problems." Hanabi shrugged with a grin, bumping Hinata's shoulder with her own as Hinata sat up properly.

"I'll think about it…" Hinata sighed deeply, "Right now, I just have to build up the nerve to talk to Naruto-kun about ending things… I have a mission tomorrow that should last a few days. I think the distance will be good for me."

"You can do it, Nee-sama. Think about yourself for a change." Hanabi said reassuringly with a smile, "Just know that I'll always support you no matter what. You can count on your younger sister too."

"Thank you, Hanabi." Hinata smiled genuinely at her younger sister, giving her a tight hug, "When did you get so mature?"

Hanabi sighed dramatically, flopping down on her bed, "Ahh it's the old age getting to me."

Hinata couldn't help but giggle. Her chest felt lighter than it had for the longest time. She came to the realization that she didn't have to bottle up her problems until they exploded in her face.

She had her sister and Shino to rely on. Although they knew her predicament, they didn't judge her for it. They had extended their kindness towards her, telling her that she could depend on them.

Hinata wasn't alone. She had her other friends too, even if they didn't know about her issue, she knew that they would support her too.

She would be okay, she told herself, even as her gut tangled up in knots. She could do this. Her chest constricted with every breath. She would bear this pain and make the right decision this time. She would…