TRIGGER WARNING: this chapter deals with some sensitive topics. Specifically sexual assault. The story Bella tells is based on something that happened to me. I'm not using this just as a plot device. It's a personal thing I've struggled with and continue to struggle with. If you've experienced anything like this, please speak to someone about it. Friend, family or a professional. Holding on to it isn't healthy and keeps you from healing and growing as a person. Please know that its not your fault, its never your fault. Thank you for reading.

Disclaimer: I am not Stephanie Meyers.

Chapter Eight

Exposure

For a beat I held her there. Though no longer surrounded by her warmth, I could remember it with perfect clarity and my cock was hard again. Would I ever get enough of her? I doubted it.

I had heard in the minds of Carlisle and Rosalie the amazement they felt after their first time with their mates.

Carlisle had been a virgin when he and Esme came together the first time. Raised to be pious, and dying for that piety, he never really thought much of having a physical relationship with anyone, let alone someone he didn't love. The son of a pastor, a pastor himself, didn't lay with any woman who offered herself. From his memories, I knew there had been many.

But he never wavered. He knew who he was and who he wanted to be. Passions of the flesh held little appeal until Esme came into his life. Even then, at the beginning, his most prevalent thoughts were of remorse. Esme had been so confused when her transformation had ended. She had been hoping for the release of death to free her from her grief. But now she would never be allowed that freedom. She faced her sadness then. All at once thankful that Carlisle had saved her because she had regretted her actions moments after taking them.

She tried to explain it to him a thousand times in those early days. Tried to alleviate the guilt he felt. Carlisle was never a stupid man. He knew she was still mourning her son, but part of him thought she was also mourning her way out of the pain. And he blamed himself for that. He just couldn't stop himself once he realized she was still alive.

His memories of finding her were fractured, all over the place with panic. He'd recognized her scent when she entered the hospital that day and followed it to the morgue, growing more and more panicked with every slow, human step he took. Esme Platt was supposed to live a long and happy life. She was supposed grow and marry and have children. I'd heard him wish it a million times in the years since they'd last met. He had wanted her happiness so much it had nearly become my own wish.

How had she ended up here? What had happened? A trip? God, he'd wished it to be a horrible accident. She was alive, though how he didn't know. Instead, he bundled her up and took her home. Laying her out in his room, he bit her. At her neck, her wrists, her inner thighs. He'd been horrified that he might be too late to save her. It was only after her turn that I could be in the house again and it was then that I told Carlisle what happened.

His guilt was immeasurable. But more than that was his horror at the thought of losing her. What would he have done if he found her perhaps an hour later? Cold and lifeless? How could he have survived that? Just from the cadence of his mind in that moment, I didn't think he would have. For my own selfish reasons, I was glad she had survived. I didn't want to find out what lengths Carlisle would have gone to if he found Esme dead.

But she never blamed him. Her bone deep compassion and love for those around her wouldn't allow it. In brief moments, I would find nothing but thankfulness in her mind. Carlisle had given her a second chance. Perhaps she would never have another child, but she would have us. People she could and would love for all eternity, though in two very different ways. Me as a son, and Carlisle as a husband. Finally, a husband she deserved.

We moved. They got married. Only after did Carlisle take her to bed. I made a point of staying away for several days to give them privacy. When I finally did return it was like coming home to two brand new people. Everything in both of their minds had shifted. There were, of course, the lustful thoughts I did my best to ignore. Under those were thoughts of wordless contentment and connection. Almost as if they were now one person sharing two bodies.

This being my first experience with a mated pair, knowing both before and after the event of coming together, I had thought it was rather par for the course. Rosalie and Emmett were entirely different, though.

I should have known that there was something special about Emmett before his turn was complete just because of how fiercely Rosalie had reacted. Her need for him overwhelmed her hatred for this life. And need really was the operative word here. There was no logic in what she'd done. Logically she should have killed the bear, a rival predator for her prey, and then drained Emmett. But she was physically unable to hurt him.

I had never known a vampire on the hunt to stop in the face of so much fresh, human blood, and resist the way she had for as long as she had. I wondered if she couldn't have turned him herself. I was certain she could have mustered the control if it meant saving his life. She already loved him whether she knew it or not. That love, I was sure, would have stopped her in time.

But Rosalie was nothing if not practical. She knew there was a chance, however small, that she might not be able to stop. And that small chance was a risk she wasn't willing to take. We connected that day, on the banks of the Tennessee River, in a way we never had before. Our relationship up until that point had been difficult at best and volatile at worst. Oh, I knew even then that she would fight to the death for me, and I for her, but we didn't like each other.

None of that mattered then. I had helped Carlisle understand what she wanted for the hulking man she found, and for that she was thankful. So thankful it was humbling. At that moment we did feel a measure of love for each other. I had understood what this meant to her. I didn't judge her or try to stop her, I helped her. And she would never stop loving me for that.

She and Emmett were fierce in their passion. He was strong in his first few years and hungry. So hungry. The only thing that diverted his attention at all was Rosalie. His angel. Their love was instant. As soon as his transformation ended, the human blood gone from his system, Rosalie was by his side. She never left.

I could see in my clear memory the way they stared at each other. Like they had both been living in darkness their entire lives and only now saw the sun. Carlisle recognized it instantly. This was Rosalie's mate. He sent me a wary look behind their backs, silently apologizing for ever thinking that I might be meant for her. I just smiled and shook my head. He had only been trying to help.

They were rather nauseating to be around after Emmett learned some measure of self-control. Once he was old enough in this life to not murder every human he met, they went off together, destroying houses with their passion. For them it was an integral part of their relationship. Something that had shocked me at the time. After what Rosalie had endured at the hands of Royce, it wouldn't have surprised me at all if she never wanted to do that ever again.

At first, I thought it was just the fierce passion of being mated that drove those memories from her mind. Lessening what had happened to her. But that wasn't it at all. Once they'd come back to us, destroying the foundation of our house one night, I stood beside her again, listening to her thoughts in that moment. We were watching Emmett and Carlisle, under Esme's supervision, clearing the mess that had once been our sitting room.

The memory of her last hours of being human were there, they were never far from the surface in those days, but the hatred and anger I expected were not. What she did with Emmett and what those men did to her were two very separate things in her mind. The pain didn't fade over time, and it wasn't about letting it go. She had found something with Emmett that was bigger than Royce could ever hope to be. This wasn't acceptance of her fate, it was strength to rise above her past.

I remember looking over at her once I realized it, feeling a great swell of affection for her then. She was the strongest woman I had ever met. And I was very glad then to have met her.

I hadn't known Emmett before he was changed, but I'd known Rosalie. Arrogant, selfish, vain. What Rosalie wanted, she got. And in many ways, she'd gotten that with Emmett too. But for the first time I saw that what she would give. What she would sacrifice for someone she loved. Everything. Anything and everything. If it meant she could keep Emmett, she would do anything. It was like night and day.

These thoughts ran through my mind so quickly, I knew Bella wouldn't notice my momentary distraction. My hard cock, nestled between her thighs, still leaking precum. She was clinging to me, breathing rapidly from the fierceness of her orgasm. I wondered how this moment had changed me. I knew I'd been different since meeting her, but this was something different. Something infinitely more.

Searching my thoughts, I tried to find something different in myself, but came up empty. There was a bit of disappointment in that realization. It faded quickly, however. Carlisle and Rosalie hadn't noticed how different they'd been after their first time with their mate. I had because I was privy to their every thought, because I had been able to observe them. Perhaps it took outside eyes to see the difference in me.

I could recognize that things had changed massively since I'd met her. A zymic shift took place in my life that night. Little things that I'd done over the week came back to me. Writing music, sharing my space, reading her books… a thousand small things I hadn't ever done before. Hadn't thought of doing before. It felt natural to do them now.

Tucking Bella more firmly against my chest, I walked us to the bathroom. As much as I wanted to, taking her again was unadvisable. I wasn't well verse in taking someone's virginity, but I'd heard from other minds that it could be painful the first few times. I hadn't been exactly gentle with her.

Settling her on the granite countertop, I removed her cuffs. She was shivering now. I hated to think it was because of me, but the facts of the matter were unavoidable. My flesh was cold. I turned away from her to fill the bathtub with scalding hot water. It was a massive thing, taking up an entire corning of my bathroom, with jets and seats built in. My tub had been a solitary enjoyment that I couldn't wait to share with her.

I collected her once the tub was full, she shivered even as I lowered her into the bubbles. A drop of red ran into the water, disappearing in the spray of the jets. I watched it vanish. The burn in my throat at the sight of her blood, it was an inferno I was in complete control of. I briefly wondered what I might have done to her had I not spent years honing my control, if I hadn't done the things Carlisle now hated me for.

I shook my head. I didn't matter now.

"Does it bother you?" she asked, breaking the silence. I gave her a curious look, honestly unsure what she was talking about. She waved at the water. "I bled a little."

"I didn't think you noticed," I admitted, dodging her question.

"I was expecting it," she said. "Worrying about it."

I stiffened. "Worrying?"

Was she afraid of me? I didn't know what I'd do if she was. Would I leave her? Could I leave her? The very idea was terrifying. A vampire was not meant to live without their mate. It was one thing to lose that mate to death, quite another to have that mate turn away from you. To go on living knowing that they're out there, perhaps loving someone else. Next to her possible death, that was a pain I don't think I could have survived.

Bella shrugged, clearly unaware of the torment in my mind. "I've heard that you can bleed you're first time, I was just worried it might make you uncomfortable. There are always news stories of vampires just getting a whiff of blood and going berserk."

She gave me a small smile at that, but what she was smiling at I hadn't a clue. None of this seem remotely funny to me.

"I knew that wouldn't happen with you, but I still thought it might make things less… I don't know… less pleasant for you."

I couldn't help the fierce glare I sent her way, knowing it belied the fury I felt in that moment. "You were worried," I said, slowly. "Not for your life, but for my enjoyment?" She bit her lip and nodded.

My fingers squeezed the edge of the marble tub, digging in a good inch before I regained control over my anger. At first it alluded me why I was so enraged at what she said, then it hit me. She cared more for me than she did for herself. As I cared more for her than I did for myself, it seemed a capital sin in my mind. I wanted her desperately, nothing in the world would keep me from her. However, that didn't excuse her seeming lack of interest in keeping herself safe.

Quite frankly she should have been terrified that I would kill her the first time I fucked her. She should have been terrified to be alone with me at all.

Before I could let those thoughts germinate further, Bella moved into my lap. I had been so caught up in my inner monologue I hadn't noticed her move. She cupped my cheeks, putting pressure on them, asking me to look at her.

"Don't be angry, master," she whispered. "I have complete faith in you." I huffed at that, throwing my head back. "Do you doubt me?" she asked, throwing my own words back at me.

I looked up at her then, assessing her expression. "You have faith that I won't hurt you."

"Complete faith."

"And yet you've decided to keep your dorm room next semester."

She froze in my arms. "How do you know about that?"

"I have very good hearing."

She worried her lip again, looking down at the bubbling water. She was quiet then. For quite some time. I let her be. There was no denying that it hurt me she thought she needed to keep her dorm. The depth of my feelings for her was immeasurable. And I believed that I'd shown her that. I hadn't said it, but in my actions, I'd shown it. I had integrated her into every part of my life. Every day now revolved around her schedule and her needs. Every part of my life had changed for the sake of hers. And yet… I shook my head.

"I guess now is a good a time as any," she whispered. Her heart began pounding and I was horrified to see tears in her eyes. "Although, I was under the impression that post love making you were supposed to whisper sweet nothings." She shook her head, twisting her fingers together until her knuckles were white.

I took her cheeks in my hands, guiding her eyes back to mine. "You are my life, Bella," I told her. "I am nothing without you."

She shook her head again, tears falling now. "I'm all messed up. You deserve so much more."

"How can you say that?" I snapped, suddenly angry at the thought that anything could be better than her. "I have never wanted anything more than I want you. I need nothing else."

"Master," she whispered through her tears. "I'm broken, master. I can't believe half the things I've done with you. I never thought I'd have the nerve after what happened. But I feel so safe with you. It just feels right."

The words scalded through my mind. "What happened," I repeated, not asking. I had promised her already not to press. But I knew, better than most, that not all rape took virginity.

She nodded. Taking a deep breath and looking down again, she spoke.

"It was so dumb. My first semester living on campus. Technically my second semester in college, but-" She waved her hand like the details didn't matter. "My roommate, Becca, asked me to go to a party with her. I was super shy and didn't have a lot of friends. She was nice and I thought, why not? It was frat party in one of their houses, Kapa Alpha something something. I didn't pay attention really. I didn't plan on drinking cause I'm a lightweight and it was my first college party. It just didn't seem like a good idea.

"But Becca was drinking, everyone was drinking. I stuck out cause I was the only one who didn't have cup in their hand. I just felt like everyone was looking at me. So, when she asked me again, I said yes. And then the cup just kept getting refilled. And I kept drinking. And drinking. And drinking." She rubbed her forehead then, looking as though she was cursing her younger self.

"Eventually, I started kissing this guy. I think his name was Mark or Matt. I honestly can't remember. The music was so loud. It was impossible to really hear anything he said. For all I know his name was George Washington. But it all just seemed like fun. We were flirting and dancing. He invited me up to his room. I knew I should say no, but I didn't want to say no. I was turned on. I didn't want it to end. At first it was just kissing. Then he… pulled it out. I told him I didn't want to do that. He seemed to agree and then just told me to give it a kiss then. Kind of like, if I wasn't going to sleep with him, I should at least do that."

My fingers found purchase on the edge of the tub again. The only thing seeming to hold me in place.

"I remember being really horny. And wanting to keep kissing him. I know he didn't force me to do it. That I'm absolutely sure of. He never touched me. But he was pressuring me. There was a lot of, come on, just a kiss. So, I did. Then, come on, just a little suck. So, I did." Her heart was still hammering in her chest. She was running her fingers over and over through her hair, tugging out strand after strand.

"He came in my mouth," she choked out. "And it was disgusting. I regretted it immediately and just ran away. Right back to my dorm. I called my mom. Crying and drunk. I don't remember a lot of that conversation. She and I weren't on the best terms at the time. But I do remember asking her if I was a whore. And I do remember what she said."

She was crying now, great chest deep sobs. I tugged her into my arms. Holding her close. I didn't allow myself to think then. But I did wish that I hadn't brought up the dorm. If she wanted to keep it, if it made her feel secure, then I would support her. Anything that made her feel better was what I wanted.

"She said, yeah, kind of."

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to stop myself from hunting down her mother and slapping the stupid woman.

"I hung up after that. Didn't speak to her for months. I didn't go out after that. Not even to the coffee house on campus where I used to do my homework. I just holed up in my dorm. I was so terrified of seeing him again. Terrified that he'd told everyone what I did. Becca never talked about it, and she was huge gossip. I eventually worked up the nerve to tell her. She was really nice and felt bad cause she thought I'd had a bad time at the party. Like that was why I didn't go out anymore.

"She said she hadn't heard anything. Said it wasn't the first time two college kids got drunk and did something stupid. She said that she bet he didn't even remember it happening. That everyone at the party had been drinking like monsters all night and that he probably couldn't pick me out of a crowd. I know she was just trying to help me feel better. Like if I didn't think anyone would know about that I'd be okay with what happened. It did and it didn't.

"On the one hand, hey great, no one knows about the biggest mistake I've made in my life. On the other, the first penis I've ever touched is attached to a guy who doesn't recognize me at all. She eventually talked me into seeing a counselor. We worked through a lot of stuff.

"I have general anxiety anyway and this event just cemented for me that doing different things doesn't work out. It was why I retreated back to my dorm. My dorm was safe, nothing bad happened there because nothing happened there. I was in fight, flight, or freeze and I froze. So, that was my reaction to it. Then my mom's. Then my reaction to my mom."

She shook her head, taking a couple of deep breaths, she looked up at me again. "I don't think I'm necessarily afraid of oral sex. Like I said, I know he didn't force me to do it. He definitely pressured me, and that was a super sucky thing to do. But I didn't feel unsafe or trapped. I felt ashamed. And my mom just kind of piled onto that. And this thing, this moment, turned into a monster in my head." She looked down once more. "It probably only lasted a couple of minutes. But that moment is like- like a frog sitting on my brain. Every time I think about oral sex, I'm right back in my dorm. Hiding from the world and from what I did. Hiding from how it made me feel. I avoided dealing with it for so long, and to be honest, I still am. Whenever I think about it- I just panic. If I do this- am I going to feel that way again?

"I just don't ever want to feel that way again. And I definitely don't want to feel that way with you. I can just imagine doing that with you and feeling so shitty afterwards and ruining everything. And I think that terrifies me more than the act itself."

I wiped the tears from her eyes, kissing the trails they'd left on her cheeks. We were quiet then. I knew what I would say, but I wanted to let what she'd said settle on this moment. Speaking too quickly might seem disingenuous and I didn't want her to think that what she just told me didn't matter. It mattered a great deal.

By comparison it didn't seem like much. A moment of frivolity that got out of hand perhaps. But that didn't make it any less real to her. Her feeling were as real as anyone's. Others had surely suffered worse, but pain was universal. We all experienced it differently. His pressure was a kind of force. He manipulated her into something, were she sober, were she not in an unfamiliar environment, were she not alone with him, she probably wouldn't have done at all.

The most startling revelation for me was that she'd walked into my club in the first place. But then my little lamb was far braver than she gave herself credit for. And perhaps this moment had shaped her far more than she thought it did. Once again, I marveled at her. She was so much more than she thought she was.

"You will keep the dorm," I said after a while. "And anything else you need to feel safe." I silently included myself in that statement.

"Mast-"

"Hush now. I'm not saying this because I believe that you don't have faith in me, or that you question my devotion to you." She bit her lip, looking unsure. "I'm saying it because I want you to know that whatever you need, I want you to have."

I cupped her cheeks again, drawing our lips together. I kissed her until she relaxed in my arms, her hands resting peacefully on my chest, her heart slow and steady. "Thank you for tell me this, Bella."

She nestled her head in my throat, I could feel her smile. "Bella, huh? So, play time is over?" her voice was light again, happy, almost relieved.

I chuckled. "Do you like to play with me, Bella?"

She nipped at my skin, I growled. "I love it when you do that," she whispered, her hips moving against my erection.

I stilled her. "You'll feel that in the morning if you keep it up," I warned.

"Worth it, I'd wager. You're my new favorite toy."

I couldn't help laughing at that. She joined me a moment later. The heaviness of our previous conversation dissipated. I held her to my chest, running my fingers through her hair until she fell asleep. I had known she was too tired for more, not matter how much I wanted it. Particularly after her revelation it was nothing I would act on. In fact, I would wager I was more turned off in that moment than I thought physically possible given the fact that she was straddling me nude. Somethings were more important.

After drying Bella off and tucking her in bed, I toyed with an idea I hadn't entertained in years. As I dressed the desire grew. I was out in the back garden when the plan fully formed in my mind, so achingly clear, I could map every move I'd make. The satisfaction would be sweet. Nothing compared to coming together with Bella, but sweet, nonetheless.

I pulled out my phone, but it was ringing before I could do anything. I rolled my eyes at the name on the screen.

"You need to stop spying on me," I snapped in lieu of greeting.

"You need to stop planning on murdering people," Alice snapped back. I heard an all too familiar gasp in the background.

"Alice," I growled. I was tempted to hang up, but that was Esme. I couldn't find it in myself to hurt her. And I knew hanging up would hurt her.

"You were seconds away from booking a flight, Edward," Alice said, unapologetic. "I didn't exactly have time to get somewhere private."

I sighed, rubbing my forehead. "Fine, what do you want?"

"I want you to start thinking rationally, I want you to get your head out of your ass and come home, I want a yellow Porsche for my birthday- I want a lot of things, Edward, that I'm not going to get. So, would you like me to explain why your plan is a terrible idea or do you just trust me that it is?"

"How can someone so small be so hugely annoying?" I mused.

"Edward!" a soft voice chastised. Very much a mother admonishing her son. Would that ever change, I wondered.

"He's said worse, Esme, believe me," Alice said, her voice slightly muffled as she turned away from the phone. "At any rate, you never would have found him. You don't know his name; she doesn't even know his name. All I really see is you wondering around Florida for weeks, while Bella holes up in her dorm confused and sad."

"Bella?"

"Alice," I warned.

"Oh, be quiet, Edward. You had to know I know her name. She's still a bit fuzzy but it's getting clearer every day. And don't act like you don't appreciate me looking-"

"I don't."

"Bull shit-"

"Language, Alice!" A mother to her core.

"Need I remind you of the milk?"

"I'll grant you that," I admitted, throwing myself into the lounge chair behind me. "And for the other thing."

"Creepy dude in the hall? Not a problem. See? Sometimes spying is helpful!"

I snorted. "That's ungentlemanly, Edward."

I closed my eyes against the sound of her voice. Knowing she was there, longing to speak to me. It was vice around my heart. What I wouldn't give to be stronger. What I wouldn't do to make it up to her. The mother I remembered so much more clearly than my own.

"I can see that I've sufficiently talked you out of it," Alice continued, knowing I wouldn't respond to Esme. "But now that I do have you on the line, I'd like to make a small request."

"For the last time, Alice, I am home."

"You're not," she snapped, "and that's not what I was going to ask." Grinding my teeth together, I nodded, knowing she'd see it. "I would like to buy Bella some new clothes. All she has are jeans and t-shirts. She dresses like a teenager! The girl lives in London, she should shine!"

"And how should I explain to her that a strange vampire is now taking over her wardrobe? And she does shine, Alice. Brighter than the sun."

"Oh, Edward," I could hear the happiness in Esme's voice.

"Don't break your phone!" Alice screeched. I loosened my grip. "But that was really sweet."

I sighed again. "This is getting bothersome, Alice. I'd much rather be with her right now."

"Fine, fine! I won't tell a soul that you've gone soft."

I hung up, immediately turning off my phone.

It had been a half-cocked plan at best. But the thought of killing that man Bella told me about was tempting beyond belief. I knew I'd get away with it too. No one suspected vampires of murder if the victim was left with all their blood in their body. I could snap his neck while he slept, quick and easy. But, of course, Alice was right. I didn't know who he was. Bella didn't even seem to know what fraternity he'd been in. It wasn't impossible, but what she'd said about Bella sad and alone… No, that wouldn't do.

She had exposed herself so completely to me that night. I was all at once humbled by it and guilty that I couldn't seem to extend the same to her. I knew I was afraid. What would she say if she knew what had happened? How would she react to it? With the same horror and revulsion as Carlisle?

I laughed, humorlessly. Carlisle was the kindest most compassion person I'd ever met. If he couldn't accept it, how could she? But on the other hand, she had told me so much tonight. She had told me an uncomfortable truth about herself, something she was deeply, and wrongly, ashamed of. What kind of partner was I if I couldn't do the same?

I heard her moving around in the house but didn't move. Hoping, in vain, that she was just going to the bathroom or getting something to eat. But no, she was at the door to the garden moments later, looking for me. She'd wrapped herself up in the comforter, dragging it through the house. Her hair, adorably mussed and her eyes still heavy with sleep.

"I fell asleep before I could play with you," she said, cracking a smile I couldn't help but return.

I held my hand out to her. Wrapped up in the comforter, she would be protected for the chill in the air. Even so her breath puffed out where mine didn't. Such a small difference between us. But something I couldn't possibly ignore. Settling her on my lap, I began.

"When the news broke, when we were… outed to the world. Everything changed, of course. Carlisle actually lost his job for a while. Even though he'd been the best doctor they'd ever seen, the fact that he was a vampire scared people too much. It was months before he was welcomed back. He's just too good of a doctor, too good of a person. It's nearly impossible to hate him.

"At the time, myself, Rosalie, Emmett, Alice and Jasper were pretending to be high school students. It was the simplest situation we could think of. That people would buy anyway. We dropped out as soon as the world knew. There wasn't much point after that.

"The others were mated, so they finally had a chance to just… be. Rosalie and Emmett got married again. A huge lavish ceremony that a bunch of humans showed up to just for the spectacle. Alice and Jasper wondered off for a bit, finally able to act like the married couple they are. It was liberating for them. A free expression of their love. No pretense. No lies.

"But I was alone. And being surrounded by their joy was becoming unbearable. I took to wondering off by myself. Nowhere in particular. But farther and farther every time. It was February 3rd, 1999, at exactly 10:43pm, when I found my first club. I had run to Seattle, wondering the streets, trying to avoid the people who were so enamored by vampires, of the ones who wanted to 'slay' us, or worse the ones who wanted us to change them. I could hear a mob of them creeping up behind me. I just walked into the club without paying attention.

"The first sub I took was called Lily Voss. She crawled up to me, and looking up, just said, 'please.' I knew exactly what she needed. Not only because I could read her thoughts but because I found I needed it too. I was desperate for a diversion. Something, anything to take me away from the crippling loneliness I felt at home.

"Every night I returned to that club. I ran the one hundred thirty-eight miles every night. I was with Lily for a time. She moved on and so did I. I wanted more challenges. I was testing myself, constantly testing my control. I can pick up a house with no trouble but plucking a petal from a flower without bruising it… it takes immeasurable focus.

"I wanted to be able to have complete and utter control over every aspect of my being. Humans are so breakable and your blood calls to us all the time. I couldn't believe what I was able to do when I focused so completely. And in those days, it didn't matter what I achieved, it was never enough. I kept wanting to push myself further."

I shook my head, disgusted at myself. "That was the only reason I slept with any sub, then. I'd been turned when I was seventeen. I was turned by a pious virgin. It never occurred to me to sleep with anyone. But I knew it would test me. Could I maintain my careful control in the throes of passion? I found out I could and then that wasn't enough either.

"I needed more. It was an addiction. My sub then was called Annie. She knew I was… unsatisfied and gave me an idea. I can't blame her for it. Especially since I agreed to it. I would bind her the ceiling of the club, fucking her from behind, and at some point, she would cut herself. She'd have a little razor in her hand, and she would cut her finger. She would let blood flow down her arm, and I would lick it off."

At this point I was staring at the sky, unable to look at my little lamb. She was very still in my lap. I tried not to read too much into that. I hadn't gotten to the worst part.

"The idea was tantalizing. Too tempting to resist. Not only would I have to control my reaction to the sexual pleasure, but I would be faced with bloodlust, and then the taste of it. Something I hadn't indulged in in decades. To my thinking it was the ultimate test of my control. If I could do this, I could do anything. There was no way I could say no to it. I planned carefully, hunted, fed on so many animals. I glutted myself on their blood. It was rather nauseating but if I was to do it- if I was to taste her blood on my lips, I had to be sure that that part of myself was fully sated.

"When the time came, I was focused completely on her and on myself. Waiting to hear her thoughts as she cut herself. Wanting to give her the pleasure she sought from this encounter. But still on edge from my own addiction. She was so drunk on the danger, her thoughts consumed me. I had just taken the first drop of her blood on my tongue when his thoughts burst into my mind."

I clinched my jaw then. Finding it hard to continue. The horror of seeing myself through his eyes. It was overwhelming.

"Who?" Her voice was firm.

"Carlisle," I said, finally. "He'd followed me that night. He'd been concerned about how often I was just gone. And was hoping he and I would be able to spend some time together, reconnecting, reimagining our lives in this strange new world.

"All of those thoughts vanished when he saw me. My cock in some girl I'd tied up, her blood on my lips. He stared at me and screamed in his mind."

What have you done, Edward?! What have you become?!

"He left without saying a word to me. And after I took care of Annie I left too. That was twelve years ago."

Bella said nothing. But her heartbeat was even, her breath deep and relaxed. I looked at her finally, finding only compassion in her gaze.

"What are you thinking?" I couldn't help asking it.

"I don't like that you were lonely. I wished I'd been there to keep you company."

My heart filled to bursting. What had I done to deserve this wonderful creature in my arms?

"That's all?"

She bit her lip and then smiled. "That's all."