RPOV
Funny how Dimitri had been the one at the centre of chaos and now I was calmly sitting beside him talking about learning how to fight. It was funny because I was always told to shy away from conflict or to take it silently and when the room had erupted with Dimitri in the heart of it, everything I had been taught should have made me stay cowering under the bed.
But I hadn't. The man who had pinned someone heavier than him against the wall like he was nothing, and who it had taken two other Guardians to pry away from Alec, was the one who had been able to coax me out.
He was the one out of the other two I'd seen engage in the most conflict and yet he was the one I felt the safest with.
Right now I'm listening to him stocking up the bathroom cabinet with 'basic things' he'd gotten when he was out. Shower gel, shampoo and conditioner, toothpaste, a toothbrush, painkillers and other things I can't remember, while I'm sitting on the bed with the damp cloth to my cheek. It wasn't so bad now…neither is my side.
I knew Dimitri knew I was hurt in other places. He was watching me when I discovered the ache in my side but he didn't ask. He probably thought a painkiller would be enough to help and if not I guess he was relying on me to tell him so.
I was beginning to realize these are small signs of trust.
I drain the last of soda, running my tongue over my teeth that now felt a little fuzzy.
"There wasn't a lot to choose from, women's toiletries seem to have more variety. If it didn't confuse me I'd be a little jealous." He says, closing the bathroom door behind him.
I try to smile but my cheek protests.
"You should try the salve on that." He says softly.
I nod at floor, my empty glass clasped between my hands.
"What are you worrying about?"
I look up surprised. He arches an eyebrow from he where leans against the wall and I drop my gaze back to the glass in my hands.
I clear my throat, worried that when I try to speak my voice will be rust.
"What… When will you teach me?"
"You want to start now?"
I almost drop the glass and again when I see Dimitri smiling slightly. The spike of…excitement, anxiety, sinks but doesn't disappear completely. His expression is as soft as I'd ever seen in it, if marble could be soft. How could someone who is so hard on the outside not frighten me or make me worry they would crush me at any moment?
I didn't like thinking about this, about Dimitri, it confused me too much.
But past this his amusement is annoying, it resembles the other Guardian's mockery and before I can think I have another spike of emotion.
"Why not?"
His expression sobers a little and he crosses his arms. "In a way you already have. You need to build up your strength first."
My eyebrows knit together, like joining their efforts to figure out what he means.
Dimitri's expression clears, back to blank planes and angles.
"You need energy Rose."
"I have energy. I don't need that much sleep, I can work. I'm not weak."
His face is carved from marble.
"I will not push your body to extremities. It will do more damage than good. You need to build your bodies strength in order to have force behind defending yourself."
All emotion in me sinks as I realize what he's talking about. I trace the rim of the glass with my thumb.
"I'm too…small."
"You're underweight, twenty five pounds under weight. You need to be healthy to train."
"But I'm eating more now."
"Yes, and in the past few days you've probably gained weight. You do look better but I'm not teaching you anything until I think you're strong enough."
Stupid body.
I glare at the tendons and lining of my bones in my hands that are clenched around the glass. Hating that I could see them, hating my skin was so fine that my bones looked vulnerable. Hating that my body is preventing me from protecting it.
"Be patient, Rose. I will teach you but when you're ready."
Stupid hands, stupid bones, stupid body, stupid lungs that couldn't hold out when I was trying to run away, stupid arms, stupid girl
stupidlittlebitchstupidlittlebitchstupidlittlebitch
Two warm hands close over mine and it puts a stop to the glass vibrating.
"Rose." He pries it out of my hands and puts it aside, leaving them empty. I stare down at them feeling the same way. "Here."
He presses the damp, cold cloth to my face and numbly I reach up to hold it.
"We have to walk before we can run you know." He tells me gently, sitting down on the bed beside me. "Don't be frustrated and don't worry too much about it. Like I said, gaining weight is a way of preparing."
His forearm was resting close to my arm and the contrast is like a slap. His, skin lighter than mine, is strong. Muscle encasing his bones, sturdy, capable, impervious looking….solid. Then mine beside his, a shade darker from the stronger sunlight and reedy. A slender, thin twig next to a thicker branch.
Ridiculous.
It looks like a child's arm. I am not a child. I didn't want to be thought of as a child.
"Besides." He says gently. "You've already injured someone enough to take them out of the field."
I look up at him and he looks down over his shoulder at me. His body heat pressing up against me and making me want to press back.
"Torn ligaments aren't easy to heal…not even when you're a Dhampir."
A knock on the door makes me flinch. Dimitri's head whips around as Ben's pokes around the door.
"Uh, hi."
"Hello." Dimitri returns.
Ben steps into the room looking nervous enough to make me consider crawling under the bed again.
"Tasha's on the phone. Christian is with her, she wants you."
Dimitri nods and stands up. A skittering of panic crawls up my spine as he leaves the room, looking once over his shoulder at me.
Ben stands in the doorway looking like he wasn't sure if I was going to run away or if he might.
"You okay, kiddo?" He asks eventually.
I nod and he starts nodding with me. I stop and so does he. A few moments of silent awkwardness pass and I realize there's something else he wants.
My cheek is going numb so I take the cloth away and his eyes immediately go to the bruise. I immediately cover it back up again. He exhales and runs a hand through his short, brown hair.
"I should have been paying attention." He blurts out. "No one goes to the bathroom for that long unless something's wrong with them."
I blink.
I could understand Dimitri's guilt, could grasp it because he'd implicated himself with me by a promise. But Ben…he had nothing to do with it. With me…he couldn't be feeling that way.
"If Dimitri hadn't of come back when he did and I don't know, used that super intuition of his or paranoia or whatever well then… yeah, shit. I'm sorry."
Moments pass again and I realize once more that he's waiting, this time for me to say something.
"It's…okay."
His shoulders relax but his face is still creased in unnerving shame.
"I won't let you down like that again."
He moves awkwardly, as to come forward but stopping himself. And then he does, coming to stand close enough to reach out and pat my shoulder. I would have flinched if he hadn't looked so uncertain, if it hadn't interested me to the point of distracting me from being afraid.
He pats me twice and then quickly moves toward the door.
"Ben."
He turns, one hand on the doorknob. "Yeah?"
I hadn't answered honestly earlier when Dimitri had asked what was worrying me.
"What time is it?"
He looks at his watch. "Half two. Why?"
I stand up, hating how unsteady I feel. "I need to start dinner."
"No." Ben says firmly. "We'll order in. You can experience Chinese food."
"But I was going to make-"
"We don't expect you to cook after this."
"Don't baby me."
It's out before I can stop it and it was loud and it was sharp and it was wrong.
"I-"
"I'm not babying you." He says, looking...looking hurt. "I just think you should take it easy."
There's a shaking inside my chest, the foundation of my bones trembling under pressure that could crash down on it if I push my luck.
But my problems always been I liked to push.
"I don't need to take it easy."
He doesn't look like he believes me but he isn't arguing back, he isn't putting me back in my place.
"Alright…wanna come down with me then or?"
The weight leaves my chest plate, my ribs, it floods through the rest of me. It steadies out my blood.
"Yes."
I follow him out, marvelling at how I'm feeling. Stronger, steady…like I have gained something.
Ben hadn't looked convinced that I was not as weak as he presumed. But he hadn't forced the issue…he was letting me do something. He was letting me prove something about myself.
Was this victory I'm feeling?
Descending the steps I remember how blood tastes like iron. Tasted like how iron smelled, salty and metallic. A vague musing when blood swirled around my tongue from being bitten down on to stop from crying. From tasting it on my lips when a hand forced my nose to gush. Tasting blood had always meant I had failed in some way. Tasting blood was the price not to cry when rape filled my ears.
Until now.
I could feel my blood pounding around my body. How it welled under the bruise, how it coloured under Dimitri's skin. Blood did not taste like iron. It is iron…
Dimitri had said people swore by blood because it was so valuable. He had sworn by his….I would swear by mine.
I would not bleed out of harm anymore. I would bleed from defending myself and make my blood stronger by pushing back like I had today. Dimitri said he would help me and Ben was listening to me.
Iron is supposed to be strong.
I would not let mine turn to rust in my veins.
Someone is arguing.
I'm pulled out of my thoughts and look toward the living room where Spiridon is standing in front of Dimitri and Victor, who are sat on the couch.
"Voda was the one with direct sources in Russia and Germany. Who could reach out to the other eastern regions if The Circle's activity shifted, which it will. Now what the hell are we going to do?"
"We might not need Voda anymore to contact them. We're cutting out a middle man." Dimitri responds calmly.
Victor is pinching the bridge of his nose. It seemed to be a gesture of thinking and not frustration.
Ben walking toward them grabs Spiridon's attention. His gaze slides over Ben to me. He scowls and turns back to Dimitri. Victor doesn't acknowledge any of them and I stay by the bannister.
"We're cutting out someone with knowledge and men on the ground over there! One word from him and they could fall silent. We could fucking lose the trail."
"Then we buy them." Victor says, dropping his hand away from his face.
"The might not be so easily bought." Dimitri says, clasping his hands between his knees.
Spiridon throws out his hands.
"See! We need Voda. We need to fix this."
"Easier said than done." Victor says grimly.
Spiridon gestures at Dimitri. "He apologies. He promises his first born, I don't give a shit. Whatever fixes it."
"Hang on." Ben says. "What does Dimitri have to apologise for exactly?"
I sit down on the bottom step, holding on to and peering around the newel.
"He beat Alec to a pulp! His near guard. It will take, at least I dunno, a week to replace him and fuck knows how long to recover."
"It's Dimitri's fault Dhampirs are in short supply?" Ben asks dryly.
The hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Maybe I should go back upstairs.
Spiridon glowers at Ben and three seconds pass in which I feel the room mounting.
"I'm not apologising." Dimitri's says calmly.
"This isn't about your pride Belikov."
"No." Victor says, commanding all of their attention. "It has nothing to do with pride at all. It's to do with what is right and what is wrong. I'm not going to sit and ponder if the lengths of Dimitri's actions are just but they were not wrong. Alec was wrong. He came into a Moroi home, my home and disrespected everyone under its roof. Including Alexander. His arrogance and actions are what has ruined the relationship of his Moroi and I. We will not apologise for protecting those in our home. They can apologise. The next move is theirs but I am not hopeful."
Spiridon turns away from him and runs his hands over his face.
"The Ozera's have family in the East." Ben perks up, looking between the others. "We could go through Lucas or Tasha to have ears on the ground."
"The name is too closely rumoured with Strigoi." Spiridon says loudly, spinning around. His cheeks are flushed. "Even a whisper of a rumour would make The Circle weary. Zemy will know about Lucas' trip to the old country, about his inquiries, meetings, he'll know like we do."
"Joining the Colliation will circulate quickly." Victor replies. "If anything it will confuse them by contradicting their suspicions. We could also into circulate new rumours…Lucas was trying to weed out pack leaders perhaps."
"If he were trying to that the Strigoi would have dealt with him." Spiridon says flatly.
"We circulate that too." Ben suggests sitting up straighter. "A strigoi attacked their home in Arizona, their Guardians were injured but luckily no deaths. Hans would cooperate with that. The Strigoi's body would be on his records now."
"That very well might work." Victor says quietly, rubbing his chin.
"Whatever." Spiridon spits. "Let's just throw away months of building connections and loyalty. I mean, Jesus, you have to see why Alec got the idea he did."
The room goes very still. My nails dig into the wood of the newel as Spiridon glances over at me.
"It's not exactly out of the ordinary to have a kept Blood Whore and -"
Dimitri's on his feet before Spiridon's words have sunk past my eardrums.
Just as fast Ben is between the two men.
"Enough!" Victor yells, standing.
Even though he is nowhere as menacing as the others his posture and voice radiate authority.
"We will go with the Ozera idea and Spiridon you will learn to keep your insensitive reasoning's to yourself. I do not care if Alec thought it was an open invitation the fact remains he was sorely mistaken and he attacked a member of our home which is unforgivable. Understand that or so help me I will make Ben move aside."
Spiridon inhales deeply and I think he's going to argue.
"I didn't mean to justify what he did." Spiridon apologies, his voice more stable. "Sorry."
"No, I didn't think you did." Victor says.
His green eyes are like flint. Spiridon steps away from Ben, whose face is carved from stone and behind him Dimitri is scarily expressionless. Except for his eyes, from here they looked entirely black.
"I didn't mean any disrespect." Spiridon says, turning to Dimitri.
There's obviously something else going on here. Something behind the words but I have no idea what it is.
"That's the most frustrating part." Dimitri replies, deathly low.
"Sit down boys." Victor orders.
Spiridon sits first, then Dimitri and Ben (no longer a buffer) takes a seat beside him. Even though Dimitri had been the one ready to fight Ben looked angrier.
Anxiety has wormed its way in between my bandages and was tickling my ribs. I untangle myself from the newel and slip away into the kitchen.
I've browsed every cupboard once and am about to take another lap, turning over possibilities in my head, when Ben walks in.
Immediately I panic that without him in the room Dimitri and Spiridon will have no one to keep them from fighting.
"Don't worry." He smiles. "War has been avoided."
I swallow and close the cupboard door I'd just opened.
War:
noun
1. a state of armed conflict between different countries or different groups within a country.
Did that make Spiridon America and Dimitri Russia?
"I just told you not to worry."
I snap out of it and try to smile at Ben, who's leaning against the island, but it feels like a weird spasm on my face.
"Are they…they don't like each other do they?"
"Doesn't really matter if they do." Ben answers, plucking an apple out of the fruit bowl. "They're here to do a job."
I bite my lip. I understood that, how it didn't matter what you liked or didn't, you just had to do as expected. But it was different here… or so they kept telling me.
"Do you like them?" I ask quietly.
The apple pauses at his lips.
"Don't tell Spiridon." He winks and bites into his apple.
His crunching reminds me why I'm in here and I go back to opening cupboards, hoping a solution will present itself.
"We stuffed ourselves full of your cookies." Ben says thickly. "Soup and sandwiches will be alright. We're not sitting down tonight anyway."
"Right..."
I go back to the first cupboard with all the cans.
"Tomato?"
"Yeah and oh, we can have grilled cheese with it."
I take out all the canned tins of tomato soup, four, trying to calculate if it would be enough. I can always have something else. I lift out a pot and turn on the hob to heat.
"What do you need me to do chef?" Ben asks, disposing of his apple core.
"Um…"
I deliberate telling him I don't need help but something stops me…but then I begin to push it aside.
"I can grate the cheese?" He says before I can speak. "Surely I can't screw that up."
I yank on the pull on top of the can. "Okay."
"And what can I do?" A new voice asks.
I look up from pouring the soup into the pot to Dimitri standing in the entryway. His eyes had warmed back to brown.
"Too many cooks." Ben grins, closing the fridge. "Pass me a plate, Rose."
I pull one from the rack by the sink and notice some soups splashed onto my sleeve. I pass over the plate and then push them up my arms. They were getting so grubby. I catch Dimitri watching me and I try not to think that he's seeing the jut of my wrist or how thin my arms are. I try not to but I do.
"Well then I won't get in the way." Dimitri replies. "I'll take Victor's up to his office when it's ready."
"Spiridon still up there?"
"He's going on the run as soon as the case files printed." Dimitri says and I notice the shift under his tone. How there's a more serious base underneath his voice when discussing issues to do with Guardian business… or Victors business. "Put his in the oven or something."
"Turn on the grill." Ben says.
"I already have." I respond and reach for the bread bin.
I'm counting out the slices when I glimpse what Ben's been doing.
"Did you use the entire block?" I blurt out.
Ben and Dimitri had been talking in low tones but now they stop.
"Uh, yeah." Ben says. "Why do you need more? I can run out and get some."
My tongue won't work. He'd grated 500g of cheese and the mound was sitting proudly above the rim of the bowl.
"How many sandwiches are you having?" Dimitri asks.
"Four." Ben answers easily. "Why? How many are you having?"
"Well…one." Dimitri says.
"Dude, you need your calcium." Ben says, shaking his head like Dimitri is ridiculous.
"But...you ate all those cookies." I say.
Ben looks back at me innocently. "Yeah."
Thankfully Dimitri shares a disbelieving look with me.
"Spiridon will have two." Ben says, defence streaking through his tone.
"I'll have two then." Dimitri says.
"You can hardly lecture me on cheese when you have your own secret hoard."
A bubbling noise from the stove grabs my attention and I stir the soup.
Ben and Dimitri start preparing the grilled cheese, deciding it better to put so many slices in the oven to melt under the grill.
I ladle out soup into five bowls and Dimitri puts one on a tray, along with a sandwich and takes it up to Victor.
"What did you mean by hoard?" I ask Ben as he flips over his sandwich in a pan. It was an art to get it perfectly golden apparently.
"Chocolate." Ben says and then flashes me a grin, which widens at my confusion. "He loves it. Has to have his own separate Tupperware container full of it. That's just in the kitchen, pretty sure he has one in his room. He probably has them all over the house. Like a squirrel."
"So the stuff in the cupboard. The chocolate, biscuits…?"
"That's for everyone." Ben says and slides his 'perfect' sandwich onto a plate. "That's not Dimitri's hidden stuff. We've looked for it before…never found it. He's an odd one."
It's quiet for a moment as Ben tries to fit two more of his sandwiches into the pan.
"He's smart." I murmur.
"The odd one's are." Ben says and wiggles his eyebrows at me.
It's so ridiculous that a sensation that I'd forgotten bubbles up my throat and I laugh.
Ben's eyebrows stop wiggling and shoot up. I cover my mouth in shock, titters still spilling between my fingers. Ben's face bursts into a giant grin that throws me even further. Heat floods into my cheeks and sinks down into my chest.
I feel…silly.
"Here, you have this one. Ben special." He says and slides one of his sandwiches onto a plate. "Now go eat it before it cools. It best when the cheese is all gooey and you dip it into the soup."
"But-"
He makes a shushing noise and nods sternly at the breakfast bar.
There's no point in arguing so I take my bowl and my sandwich and do as I'm told.
I'm hopping up on the stool when Dimitri comes back. He throws a peculiar look my way which makes my spoon pause mid stir but the moment passes and he's collecting his own bowl from the side.
Climbing the stairs to my room feels like climbing a mountain. I am exhausted. My dinner (it's weird having a 'dinner'…it's weird having meals) is sitting warmly in my tummy, which is a little swollen under her sweater.
Ben and Dimitri had insisted I went to bed and let them clear away the dishes. I should have protested but I yawned so wide I thought my jaw might crack and that had made my cheek twinge. I wouldn't have been able to argue after that, it would have been a waste of time. And if I'm being honest, I selfishly wanted to take their offer.
But I couldn't get lazy.
Days ago I would never dream of leaving a job unfinished. Days ago food would not have made me sleepy. Days ago no one would have stopped a Guardian from taking what he wanted.
Strange…how so much had changed in only a few days. It felt like weeks and mere hours at the same time.
"Rose." A soft voice calls down the landing.
I pause in front of my door and see that Victor's office door is ajar, light stretching out from it into the hall.
He must have heard me coming up the stairs. Had I been loud? Or are his senses just as sharp, if not sharper, than Dhampirs?
I shuffle forward trying to push the tiredness in my brain back and ignore the bed calling out to me, my only friend.
I lift my hand to knock but he beckons me in and I push the door open wider and step inside.
The lamp in the corner is the only thing lit. Mr Dashkov sits behind his desk, hands clasped in front of him looking like he'd been expecting me for a while. I almost apologise. He's shed his jacket and his pale grey shirt made me notice the few strands of silver in his hair.
I'd been avoiding meeting his eyes, not fully believing what Dimitri had said about his temper. I had disobeyed a Guardian, I had resisted and even though I didn't regret it I couldn't believe that it wouldn't have consequences. I would like to believe Dimitri but he wasn't the one in power here.
I am not ignorant to the importance Mr Dashkov's guest had been to him and I had made a nuisance of myself and Dimitri had gotten involved.
I hope Dimitri isn't in trouble.
If I'd been an obedient girl I wouldn't have done anything. I would have let Alec get on with it and it would be over and it would no longer be hanging over my head. But I had never been good at doing what I was told.
What would my mother say?
Nothing most likely. She'd just look at me with that sad, disappointed look she always had. And if she ever knew how much I liked it, the electric zip that spurted from my heart when I took Alec's stake, and the pure satisfaction that flooded me when the stake hit the floor I think she would kill me. She'd kill me before they killed me.
I'm more afraid that being rebuked would make that fire inside me answer in defiance. I worry about that fire…I worry it was what that leapt on Dimitri's offer before I could even think.
When I finally meet his gaze I'm shocked.
His green eyes are kind.
"It's been a long day." He begins in a quiet murmur.
"Yes si- yes"
"I told you." He says with a small smile. "Call me sir and I'll start calling you miss."
I look down at her shoes.
"I'm sure you want to get off to bed so I won't keep you. I just wanted to express my sincerest apologies for what happened. I do not want you to think that I've been lying to you or making empty promises."
I'm not stunned by his words but his tone…he sounds sad, the kind of sad that's in your soul.
I just want to be in my room.
"I never had any inclinations to suspect Alec. I trusted my friend's judgement, blindly perhaps, as I cannot account for a man's character based on what I know of his employer."
I glance up to see his eyes are closed and he's rubbing his temples.
"I forget sometimes, the depravity that lurks within the cracks of our world. I shouldn't but I do, especially when I'm with the boys."
He drops his hands to his desk and smiles softly.
"I know you must not think much of Spiridon but he is not all bad. I really do believe he never thinks before he speaks. He's not as sensitive to others as Dimitri is, he says what he thinks and that does have its uses. I apologise on his behalf if he has offended you."
I wasn't offended by Spiridon. I didn't much care for his thoughts.
"It was quite arrogant of me to be so comfortable today. I should have thought about you and how the others would react to you. I have just been so occupied by other things…I do hope you can forgive me, Rose."
I nod.
"Thank you. I'll allow you to get some rest now. Is your medication helping with your arm?"
I nod.
"Good, good… well goodnight, dear."
My movements are awkward as I step out of the room and close the door behind me. I hear him sigh.
Heavily I walk down the hall and into my sanctuary.
I lean against the door and find the hole in the carpet, a neat indention, a clear marker that today had been real. It had finally happened, the nightmare had come true. The thing that had been following me like a shadow for the past year had finally tried to capture me, smother me…break me. But someone disrupted it. Someone dragged the shadow back in a blazing fury.
Dimitri.
I had tried to do it myself but I was too weak. He had been right, I am too vulnerable but he was going to show how not to be. Maybe it would utilize the fire within me, make it an actual force to be reckoned with and not just tepid spittle that gets me into trouble. I could have my own blazing light.
I'm getting ahead of myself, being a stupid dreamer. Dreaming could be dangerous. Dreaming and fighting back had killed Eddie.
My throat becomes very tight and my eyes start to sting.
No no no no no no no.
Push. It. Back.
My nails dig into my palms and I use that pain to anchor me.
I breathe out, staring at the ceiling and wait for my chest to settle.
When it finally does I push away from the door and walk toward my friend, ignoring the hole in the floor and trying not to think if Mr Dashkov knew about it.
It's not until I reach the bedside that I realize there are folded garments below the pillows. The one folded on top is a cream just off from the colour of the covers which is way I hadn't noticed it immediately. Curiously I pick it up and shake it out.
A pair of soft trousers. They were slim and looked like they would sit neatly on me. Just by the length, I knew they are Natalie's.
I remember how Dimitri had asked if I had been sleeping in my clothes…and today he'd caught me rubbing at the marks I'd gotten on my sleeves. I hadn't taken enough care.
I almost fold the trousers up. I didn't want to take another girl's clothes, not when she wasn't here to have anything to say about it but looking at my grubby cuffs made me pause. I had to wash these clothes at some point. It isn't like back there, where washing them is pointless and nobody but me much cared what they looked or smelled like.
Mr Dashkov would care. He was the one who'd ordered I'd be cleaned up before coming here. Also the thought of being around the other men looking dirty made my face spasm. Spiridon would have too much fun making comments.
I put down the trousers and pick up the other item which is a charcoal colour. I shake it out, expecting it to be a shirt of Natalie's but it's much bigger and then the smell brushes my nose. Washing powder with that heavier undertone… it's was very faint because it had been newly washed but it's still there.
This is Dimitri's shirt.
I pinch it tighter between my fingers.
Why would he give me his shirt? It was much too big, too long but… I like that. I liked the idea of being concealed under it…protected. Just like my sleep shirt in Arizona.
I look back at Natalie's trousers and I know they're going to cling to my legs more than I'm used to. I realize then that her top may be the same. I also realize that Dimitri had known that would make me uncomfortable.
I sway on the spot, completely struck by the gesture.
I turn to the door, my mind already half made up to go and find him.
But I don't. Instead, I pull off her sweater and her jeans, somehow feeling lighter as I do. I pull on Natalie's trousers, loving how soft and supple they are. They tapered in at my ankles and I imagined they would be much shorter on Natalie.
The bandages nip at my ribs and it's especially sore on the right side where I'd hit the bedframe earlier.
I could shower in the morning. I'd been thinking about it today. How amazing it had felt back there under the warm water and how it had melted away days of dirt. I'm not filthy right now, not by the standards I was used to, but my hair is getting a little greasy and if Mr Dashkov cared about my clothes being clean I suppose he'd care about me being clean too.
I glance at the door, checking I'd locked it behind me and then I start trying to pry the bandages loose. My mother had made them really tight and after a couple of minutes, I begin to think I might have to shower with them on.
Finally, I manage to pry the edge loose from under my shoulder blade and I yank it free. Every loop I unravel feels so good. I hadn't realised how restricted I've been, I'd been too distracted. I fold the bandages up and put them on the bedside, checking once more that the door is locked.
I pull on Dimitri's shirt.
The material is cool and crisp against my skin and it feels…odd. Like I could never tell anyone about this, not that I ever would, I wouldn't be able to explain even if I wanted to tell someone. I wouldn't be able to explain why I felt like I was doing something…not indecent…but private.
What is wrong with me?
I shake my head and fold my arms, loving that there was a lot of material around my body. I felt I could breathe easier now… I felt safer.
I find myself smiling.
I knew I'd sleep better now. I'd been worried that being in here alone would make the ghosts of today play out and keep me awake or that they'd follow me into dreaming.
I climb into bed and reach behind the drawers for the dessert I'd hidden where it would stay cool.
I'm careful eating in the bed, not caring how irresponsible it was because I was something I never imagined I could be.
I'm utterly content.
Updated: 13/04/2022
Previous note:
HEY YOU GUYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYS.
Do you know something? YOU,yes you, you are so utterly amazing to me. You've kept reading and overlooked all the errors and have stuck it out with Rose. I'm so grateful :)
I'm going to start uploading chapters to that are this length instead of longer so you'll get updates more often.
Thank you so much for your lovely reviews, they are so encouraging and lovely that I may explode.
And because you guys are so nice, here's a spoiler... Natalie is coming home in the next chapter and she isn't alone. x