RPOV.

No.

No No No.

I scramble out of bed and barrel toward the bathroom, sparing a backward glance at the sheets and spying no red as I flee.

The door slams behind me with a crack like thunder. There's a pulsing in my ears, my head, as I pull my trousers down and pray the whole time I'd imagined it, that the scarlet from my dream had blotted my vision as I woke up.

I stare down at my underwear as shame fills up the entire room as quickly as tears fill my eyes.

Why is this happening again?

A slow-rolling ache meanders through my abdomen and I rip the toilet roll from its holder, causing it to fly like a banner. Frantically I tear pieces off, getting more worked up as bits too small break off and rain down like confetti on the nightmare I have woken to.

I get a part long enough and roll it like a bandage to put between my legs.

Mommy, what's happening to me?

"Nothing is happening. Do you understand? This is a secret. No one can know." She grabs my wrist and looks almost like she has a fever. "Do you understand me? You hide this."

Her grip threatens to crack bone. I can't remember a time when I was this frightened. Every erratic beat of my heart had me thinking another wouldn't follow. "But what's happening?"

Mommy is looking at me like she can't really see me. "You're changing."

I'm as scared now as I was then. I'm also angry, and confused and it perpetuates just how alone I am. It all threatens to split me open and crack the tiled walls with the force.

I shouldn't be changing anymore, I had changed. My bandages proved that, the flare of my hips and dip of my waist. What more was there to change? What is this place changing? What else is there to mould and crush out of me that I would have to try and push back in? Why did my body hate me?

I want to scream.

I can't scream.

No one can know.

I step out of my ruined clothes and kick them away. Sitting down on the toilet seat I run my hands over my hair trying to settle myself, trying to think and trying not to think about how unclean I felt.

Before, it had never lasted long. A couple of days at most, three I think and then it would go away. It had only happened a handful of times and the spaces in between got longer. When was the last time? A year? Two? No, not two years, too long. I can't remember.

Why did my body hate me?

I clutch my elbows as another wave of dull pain passes through.

Three days. I could hide it for three days, couldn't I? I hid it through long nights when there were no breaks, nowhere to slip away and adjust things or wash away the evidence. I have more advantages here.

I take a deep breath.

And it wasn't like I had the same odds against me here. There are less men, fewer to hide it from and for now, there is only Dimitri. By the time the others got back, it would be almost gone and I wouldn't have to worry about it for a while.

I could do this. I had to.

I need to stop sitting here as if she's going to come and help me.

I strip off and get into the shower, bringing the spoiled clothes with me.

I don't think it hurt this much before. It used to be some mild cramps, a little backache and the urge to beg for more to be snuck from the kitchen. The cramping is worse but bearable, except for when it's sharp stabs that made me gasp or lose my breath. Under that the backache I could barely feel and the most intense urge I had was to let the panic pull me under and burst into tears.

But I wouldn't do that.

I make breakfast as quick and precise as possible. Scrambled eggs and toast. I have it all on the table as I hear the signs of life coming from upstairs. Natalie prances down as I'm looping back to fetch Dimitri's coffee.

"Morninnngg." She trills.

I fly past her and hope she sees my attempt at smiling.

I'm drumming my fingertips on the counter as the coffee machine does its utmost best to annoy me.

It beeps at the same time he says, "Good morning, Rose."

My shoulders go rigid but I force myself to move before the rest of me can freeze over. I look over my shoulder as I lift the pot.

"Morning."

Funny, he looks just the same to me now as he did in the daylight.

"You timed that well." I say trying to sound normal, trying to sound the same as yesterday and not any different.

He smiles a little and I think I'm glimpsing the sunrise again. A part of last night's dream flashes across my memory and I become as warm as the coffee I'm holding.

"Here." I almost yell proffering it to him.

Yeah, Rose, that's normal.

He raises an eyebrow but he doesn't say anything.

I realize we've just been staring at each other for more seconds than necessary. I grab my water and go to join Natalie, extremely thankful that her mouth can run away with what is going on in her head. It would be distracting and would leave less opportunity to suspect anything, especially if I kept up with her.

Natalie is on the phone.

"What do you mean you don't know where your peonies are? How do you lose peonies? It's not like they have a fake ID and a car!"

She spears her eggs looking like an angry kitten in her pyjamas. Consciously I tense my crossed legs. I'd decided on black yoga pants and my oversized jumper from yesterday thinking it would be the safest bet.

I jump as Dimitri slides into the seat next to me.

"Looks good. Thank you."

He never failed to thank me every morning. When the other's 'thank yous' flittered away as meals on the table became a routine his didn't. He thanked me even when he'd been with me cooking, insisting on doing something. It was a little bit annoying next to being one thing that made me happy.

He reaches for the toast rack and I find myself staring at his naked forearm. He usually wore long selves although he hadn't been in the garden. He usually didn't wear white either. Was that all real?

He's staring at me obviously wondering why I'm staring at him.

Something like a screwdriver tries to clear a path through my insides. I suck in my breath and turn back to my empty plate. My concealed fist is shaking by my thigh.

"Are you okay?" Dimitri asks, because he would because he has to notice everything.

Natalie's done with her call and is eyeing me over nibbling on her toast.

"Slept on my neck wrong or something." I offer up and reach for the eggs, acting like a bloody battle wasn't going on inside of me, like I didn't want to run away from both of them.

"You've gone a bit pink." Natalie observes.

I swallow and meld my thighs together. "I was out in the sun last night. I couldn't sleep."

I could be imaging it but I swear I could feel Dimitri tense as if the temperature had changed.

Natalie frowns. "It doesn't look like sunburn."

"The garden's beautiful in the day." I say. "All the different smells are incredible."

Natalie's face lights up at the new topic. Dimitri takes a long gulp of coffee and I think it's important that I don't look at him.

"I want more Tigerlilys." Natalie tells is, turning to admire the garden through the glass. It was hued in fairy lights and the sky was painted with purple dusk.

"Why is there only one sunflower?" I ask.

Natalie's smile turns down in wattage but remains soft. "For my mom. Sunflowers thrive in the sun. Obviously. Their faces always turn toward it. That's how we like to think of her…thriving somewhere we can't be yet, warm and happy."

"That's lovely." Dimitri says.

She smiles softly but then looks at me and asks with concern. "Are you okay?"

I think...I think I'm going to cry.

I push it back with everything I have and then pinch my thigh. The pain I can think through. The pain I knew, not this alien feeling that sat in my chest and tried to squeeze my heart to see what would pour out.

Now Dimitri is looking, oh great. He'd probably start on about calling my mother again and I'd have to restrain from shaking him. Although it would probably be like trying to shake a tree.

"I'm fine." I force out but I could feel Dimitri still watching as she tucks into her breakfast

I make a face at him and he raises an eyebrow.

What a dick. I wish I could do that.

"Excuse me." I say and push away from the table.

"You haven't finished." He says, the disapproval reaching a three-mile radius.

I have to bite down on the 'very observant' comment. Bite on it, chew it to pieces and swallow so I can say a normal and civilised, "I will."

I get to the sanctuary of the kitchen and refill my water glass. I take a long drink and eye my reflection in the window.

You do remember you're supposed to be cautious right? Today you actually need to be invisible, you need to be invisible until it stops.

This felt like my first real challenge since being on my own, to surviving by myself. No, second, there was the run-in with Alec and I completely failed. If it weren't for Dimitri there would not have been anything left to keep alive. Not inside anyway.

I owed him so much and I was having to swallow verbal stones so I didn't fling them at him.

I go back to the table which now only hosts Natalie who's typing away on her phone.

"Double O Russia got a phone call and blasted out into the garden." She tells me without looking up which is unfortunate because I'm sure my baffled expression would lead her to elaborate.

I take my seat and shovel some cold eggs into my mouth.

So good.

I take another piece of toast and slather it in jelly.

I try to prioritize my questions. "From Victor?"

"Unless Daddy has learned Russian I'm guessing not." She says airily.

She drops her phone with a sigh and turns her attention back to her food. Outside Dimitri is standing with his back to us and head bowed over his phone.

"What did you mean 'double o'?"

"James Bond reference." She says, "We need to get you hooked up with Netflix. TV in your room, you'll never want to leave."

I grin and reach for the last piece of toast, my hand colliding with hers. I reel back immediately and apologise.

"Don't be silly. Besides carbs are your friends at the minute. I really need to lay off or I'll bloat right out of my dress." She says, airing her words away with a little wave.

"No, but I shouldn't have –"

"Rose." Natalie throws my name up like a full stop. "Can we stop this in its tracks, please? Stop apologising to me, stop full stop. It stresses me out and it stresses you out. Next time you want to apologise I want you to say 'your welcome' instead. Got it?"

No, not really.

She raises one delicate brow.

She hasn't put her make-up on yet today and had looked younger until now, now she looked like someone who could order me to start dancing with my plate balanced on my head and I would.

I nod and she copies, a nod of finality. It reminds me of Victor.

"I have to go get ready. Enjoy." She says, tossing the last slice of toast onto my plate and parting with a cheeky grin.

She is nothing like what I'd ever expect from a Moroi girl and I'm really glad about that.

I slather honey on this piece. Mmm, it would be so much better with banana… maybe some chocolate sauce. The delivery must have come at some point because there were far too many eggs in the fridge come to think about it.

There's a beep and moments later Dimitri rounds the corner. Oh great, I'd forgotten about him.

Why did Natalie always have other things to be doing? Preparing or planning or preening.

He slides back into his seat without a word.

A ripple of pain travels through my tummy and I clench my hand.

"Sleep well?" He asks with as much interest as I had in Spiridon's hair routine.

"Fine, thank you."

That shift that had happened earlier when I'd mentioned the garden is still in effect. It isn't cold but it is weird. I peek up at him and see his eyes are looking ahead but not at anything present in the room, his jaw chewing mechanically.

We continue eating in silence. My toast is now as appealing as cardboard which is funny because there had been a time I'd been that desperate and thought it was a good idea. Janine was quick to inform me it certainly was not.

The ripple has made way for a wave and the toast crunches in my grasp.

"Are you-"

I stand up, an act of panic propelled by the fact that when we are alone together I tended to get far too honest because he is far too intuitive, this, however, is a very bad, disastrous idea because gravity affects the flow of blood apparently (I actually didn't know that, I'd only made google clarify that gravity kept us on the ground).

I freeze.

Dimitri is watching looking openly perplexed. Blood is now rushing upward to my head. He opens his mouth but before he shapes his first word I walk away as calmly as a cat on hot tiles.

I needed to get back to my room, close the door and have a serious talk with my body and myself too while I was at it. All these other stupid thoughts and feelings needed to be dealt with. I was forgetting everything I've been taught, all the ways to shy away and become invisible. To become a shadow so I don't draw attention, too grey to be paid attention to or possibly want anything from.

But you don't want to be grey anymore.

"I was thinking we could –"

Dimitri's voice is cut off by the sound of the plate I'd been holding leaving my hand, crashing into the others on the dishwasher rack and causing my nerves to crack into smithereens with the ceramic. I stare down at the broken crockery in horror. I try to say sorry as I drop down to clear it up but all that comes out is a strange, choking noise.

"Hey, hey it's okay."

"No, it's not."

"You're going to cut yourself."

He stoops down to draw me away and I let him, cringing away from his touch and back to the counter. He throws me a look that tells me that he was not going to let this go, running away from the table he may have but not this. Not unless I got a grip. I turn away from him as he collects the broken pieces from the floor. I push all the erraticness down, trying to find the numbness but it isn't there. Searching for it was like trying to grasp water.

I touch my mother's pendant and turn around as I hear the pieces deposited into the bin.

"I'm sorry. That was careless and I won't do it again."

He walks back across the room to put the brush and dustpan back under the sink. "So is trying to pick up the broken glass without shoes on."

I look down at my sock-clad feet, my toes curling self-consciously. When I look back up he's watching me intently, waiting.

"You made me jump." I state like it's obvious.

He raises an eyebrow. "You didn't hear me come in?"

I shrug. "Daydreaming. That's not wrong is it?"

His expression clears, suspicion curbed. "No, I suppose not."

"What were you saying?" Distract.

He studies me for a beat longer and then goes to collect the forgotten dishes he'd cleared from the table and had left on the island.

"I said, I was thinking we could weigh you today. Take things from there."

My stomach sinks as my heart leaps.

How could I train or do anything like this? How could I be close to him like this?

Stupid body, stupid fucking body.

I swallow and try to dissect something from the railroading train of thoughts.

"Okay but could… could we wait a few days? I don't feel… very well."

That is the wrong thing to say because he's instantly snapping to attention and walking toward me. I bang my hip, hard, as I move back.

He pauses just shy of me, a shadow of something passing behind his eyes. "What's wrong?"

I shake my head, sling-shotting my excuse back and forth and making a mess of my lie before I'd even said it.

"Nothing important."

I had to be careful. Trying to lie to him is like trying to navigate rocky ground. "Just not feeling …energetic."

His eyes had been darting around my body as if the answer was going to present itself. They kept returning to my arm where the burn is in the process of scarring, the tight red loosening into a maltreated pink. Then his gaze flicks to my ribs which are definitely not something to still be worrying about. My run-in with Alec and the stairs had bruised them. I hadn't thought anything of it, it wasn't awful, just a sharp twinge when I'd moved but flinching wasn't a common occurrence for these people's usual company and I hadn't been mindful enough about that.

Lissa finally asked me if I was okay in front of Natalie and Dimitri and there wasn't any way to backtrack. The confrontation of refusing to let Dimitri see, to let any of them see, was more uncomfortable than the physical pain every time I drew a breath. Finally, they let me be after around forty minutes of trying to persuade me. Natalie was the one to reason that my pain killers should help and made me promise that breathing wasn't an excruciating exercise. Behind her, Dimitri's jaw could have cut glass and Lissa was peering at me, her fingers restless and almost causing sparks.

Dimitri's eyes meet mine and ground me to the present. There are no gold glimmers now.

"Didn't you get enough sleep?"

I'm about to nod but when some of my sense returns. I shake my head. He steps back, his mouth turning downward slightly and I get the bizarre sense he's taking some of the fault from that.

"I see." He says. "Well, we'll weigh you anyway. See what progress you've made." I nod, relief spreading through my veins in a cool wave. "After you've eaten your oatmeal."

Relief ices over.

I frown up at him and his lips twitch.

"But-"

"That's an order." He says flippantly.

I scowl.

"I have to vacuum that first." I mutter, gesturing to the floor.

I make a move to stride past him when his nimble fingers take my arm and draw me toward him. My head spins, my heart lurches and my stomach spasms causing the physical effect to jump under his touch. How did I stay standing?

I look up at him in alarm.

"Careful." He says in his low voice.

I look down to see a jagged tooth glinting up from the floor, exactly where I'd been about to step. He guides me around it before letting go, the imprint of his warm touch still lingering on my sweater.

"Thanks." It comes out in one breath like I had one lung instead of two.

Stupid body.

He doesn't acknowledge the strange reaction. Then again he never made a point to acknowledge my idiocies. Instead, he tells me he'll make up the oatmeal while I sort the floor out and I feel something close to dislike toward him for the first time since living here.

"A hundred and nine." Dimitri reads quietly, eyes downcast on the scales.

I look down and read the same thing he does, not really knowing what it meant or why I felt so exposed about it, like I may as well be standing there naked in my bandages and the other… matter exposed.

"Is that good?" I force myself to ask.

"It's better." He says, taking out his phone and starting to type. There was a crease between his brow that contradicted him.

"What are you doing?"

It's out before my mouth can clamp down. It's not my business but instinct screams that what's typing away about, is about me.

"Remember Keith? We visited his house the day we got off the plane. I'm sending him your stats. I want a second opinion, a medical opinion before we start."

Keith, the Alchemist, the religious doctor, the douche, as Natalie would say.

"What are my stats?" I ask and step off the glass plate Dimitri had brought downstairs.

"You started around ninety-six pounds so you've gained thirteen in under four weeks. I'm not sure what to make of that. Your metabolism should be getting faster and with that a growing appetite."

"I eat all the time now."

He raises his eyes from the phone and drops them back. "I know."

His phone vibrates and I resist the urge to read over his shoulder or over his elbow rather. Stupid giant.

"What did he say?"

I cross my arms and step away from him as pain rolls through me like a reminder to be careful.

"He doesn't recommend it." He murmurs and dark clouds roll over my head. He straightens up and deposits his phone back into his pocket. "But we can start gently, which I intended to anyway, whenever you're ready."

Anxious butterflies swirl around my stomach as I bite my thumb.

"I'll let you know." I say quietly.

"This is still something you want?"

My head jerks up and I meet his passive expression with a determined one. "Of course."

He nods. "We will start slowly, take it easy."

"I don't want you to take it easy on me."

I think he wants to smile but he doesn't. Who has that much control?

"Only in the beginning, later on, you'll be begging me to."

There is thunder and lightning above my head now. "No, I won't."

Now he grins. "We'll see."

I have never begged in my life.

He ducks down, making me jump, and grabs the scales. He strides away toward the stairs.

"Where are you going?" I fume.

"To get changed for a run." He says in a way that makes me think he's secretly smiling.

What a dick.

I'm still glaring at the stairs after he's disappeared into his room as Natalie rounds the bannister and starts bouncing down them.

"Wow, who spilt nail varnish on your white jeans?" She asks.

"What?"

She grins bigger, showing her vangs. I stiffen but there's no urge to run out of the room.

"What's up?" She rephrases simply.

"Noth- "

Instead of remaining above my head, the lightning has flashed downward and through me. My knees buckle and I stumble into the wall.

"Rose!" Natalie grabs my arm, her green eyes wide but just as soon as it had come the pain has gone. "Are you okay?!"

I breathe in deeply. She turns and I know she's going to yell up the stairs.

"No, no. Natalie, I'm fine." I lie quickly.

"But."

I cover her hand with mine, the one already on my arm. "I'm okay, really. Indigestion."

She raises an eyebrow. "Seriously?"

"It's the oatmeal. I hate it and I've eaten it too quickly."

Understanding starts to dawn on her face, the concern smoothing out. "Are you sure? I mean I thought your appendix had exploded or something."

"No really, I'm fine. Please don't make a fuss. It… it's embarrassing."

"Well, if you're sure…"

I nod as the sound of Dimitri's bedroom door opening travels down the stairs just before he does.

"Are you going out?" I ask. Distract.

"Um, yeah." She turns to Dimitri as he reaches the bottom step. He'd exchanged his black cargo pants and boots for long shorts and trainers so naturally, I was staring at his shins like I hadn't seen shins before. I divert my attention to Natalie's hair which is hanging sleek and straight, light bouncing off it like moonlight on water. It was worth staring at. "I'm going over to Lissa's to prep for tomorrow. Neil or Adam are coming to pick me up. Daddy knows."

Dimitri looks like he already knows this too but nods anyway. "I'll wait until you're collected."

"You're hairs nice." I tell her as Dimitri walks away into the living room.

She smiles. "Thanks! Totally inspired by Kim K's hair from her shoot yesterday, haven't got the tan though."

I grin like I 100% understand.

She tugs at my sleeve. "Didn't you wear this yesterday?"

"Uh, yes. I like it." She smiles but doesn't say anything else although I know she wants to. "Is Lissa coming with them to get you?"

"I think so. I hope so. It's so awkward with other people's Guardians sometimes."

"Natalie." Dimitri calls, his body angled toward the window and I hear the sound of a car pulling up.

"Speak of the devil." She winks and pushes her bag strap further up her shoulder as she reaches for the door's keypad.

"There are other people in the car." Dimitri says suddenly, appearing beside us in the entry. He's looking over my head at Natalie who had stopped in the middle of opening the door.

"Oh…They must have picked up Mason and Camille first." She says, casting a look at me and biting her lip. "Sorry Rose. Lissa will be over tomorrow. See you later."

She slips out and closes the door behind her.

It takes me a moment to remember why she'd done that, why they'd both acted like that. It's because I'm a secret. It's going to take me even longer to work out why being a secret made me feel about an inch tall.

"Enjoy your run." I say, turning away and walking toward the stairs.

He doesn't say anything and I don't look back. I get to my room and close the door fighting the urge to cry. I don't have to fight for long as the rolling pain comes back but it's not just pain. I run to the bathroom and lock the door.

I start listing all the words beginning with A and applying their meaning as I change the tissue paper.

There was no damage to the underwear I had on thankfully. My tactic is to wrap the tissue paper around the base of my panties like a protective bandage. It felt really strange but it was the only option to not have anyone find out. Bulky underwear it is.

I leave the bathroom what seems like a couple of months later and crawl onto my bed. The lie I told Dimitri was almost not a lie anymore. I feel drained. Every spark of energy blotting out. I don't remember feeling like this before but then again every time before stopping for a nap was not an option and the option never entailed having a bed.

Sleep crawls toward me and I welcome it.

Something brushes against my head, soft, soothing. I would think I'm dreaming and that I was small again if a part of me wasn't completely sure I was waking up.

A hand on my arm shakes me.

"Rose." Someone coaxes softly.

Blearily I look up at Dimitri.

"You need to wake up." He says an order like it's an embrace. "You need to have dinner."

Dinner? Oh!

I sit up too fast and the room spins. I put a hand to my temple.

"I didn't mean to fall asleep."

"Don't worry about it. I didn't get back too long ago and Natalie is eating at the Dragomir's."

I look at him properly and see he's still in his running gear. Sitting on my bed we're level and it sends memories of yesterday to the forefront of my mind. The difference was yesterday contained sunlight and now we were sitting in my darkroom.

"Good dreams this time?" He asks quietly.

"I think so."

He had his hair pulled back, only a few strands escaping at the side. I wanted to brush them back. I grip the covers under my hands.

Then I feel it. The situation.

I tense.

He notices, of course, he does. He stands up and the warmth leaves with him.

"Well, I am sorry I woke you but you have to eat." He says walking toward the door. "And if you sleep too much now you won't later."

I want to call him back, ask him something, anything but my tongue doesn't move and then he's closing my door. I sigh and carefully roll off the bed and head to the bathroom.

I spend all the time in there thinking about dinner possibilities but my mind can't work around one thing that's causing a roadblock. I leave the bathroom and dig in the bedside drawer through all the various panties Natalie had ordered. There were far too many and all different materials, shapes and colours. It scared me a little.

Maybe she thought I needed lots of weapons.

The bras hadn't come up again, thankfully.

I root around until my fingers skim the smooth wrapper and I pull out the chocolate bar Dimitri had given me from his secret stash.

I unwrap it on my way out to the landing, passing his room where I can faintly hear the water running, and pop a piece in my mouth on my way downstairs. It makes me stop halfway down.

Oh my god.

It was the perfect balance of smooth and sweet, cocoa and milk. It melts slowly on my tongue and when I open my eyes I'm slightly dazed. I devour half of it before making it to the kitchen.

Where could the others be hidden besides behind the dishwasher? I skim through possibilities as I scan the fridge and freezer. By the time I've decided on making spaghetti, I've come up with several possible hiding places, like inside the fireplace as it was rarely used and up the tree in the garden. He is tall enough to hide them up there.

When Dimitri comes into the kitchen, wet hair and wearing black and dark red, I've only one piece of candy left.

Wordlessly I offer him it hoping it would chase away the weirdness from the bedroom.

"No, thank you." He says, lips splitting into a smile that knocks me back. He looks pleased… and maybe I imagined the weirdness because I'm guilty of hiding something. That something seemed to be under control so I didn't need to be so skittish. It was going away, I was sure of it.

The nervous buzz is back. "I was hoping you'd say that."

He laughs, light and short. "The last piece is the best. Enjoy."

"Is spaghetti okay?" I say, turning back to the saucepan. I stir and pick up the little pot of basil to add.

"I've no complaints about your cooking so far."

"That's because you've seen what I do to Spiridon."

He laughs again and I grin down at the simmering pot.

"What can I do to help?" He asks coming up beside me and I roll my eyes.

"Drain the pasta."

"That was easy." He comments, picking up the other pot. "You usually make it a battle."

"Do you want to fight?"

"I'll wait until I've shown you some moves first."

I spin around. "When can we start?"

He raises an eyebrow over his shoulder as a cloud of steam rises from the pot he's draining and clings to the window.

"Whenever you want to. We are starting slow, keep that in mind."

"How slow?"

"So impatient." He murmurs, serving out the pasta onto two plates.

His reply had me pressing my lips together as I give the sauce a final stir. There is no doubt that when he said slowly he meant it, so no throwing punches or learning how to pin someone twice your weight to the wall but what did slow actually mean?

He moves aside so I can ladle out the sauce and sprinkle grated cheese on top and then I follow him as he leads the way out of the kitchen. He isn't taking the direction to the table.

He sits down on the sofa and I stand dumbly on the outskirts. Was I eating by myself then? The thought is more depressing than it should be.

He flicks out a tea towel over his lap and looks up at me.

"I won't tell if you won't. And if you don't drop anything."

He holds up another cloth and I grin. I sit down near him, not by him, only sparing a short scary thought to the situation and the surface of the sofa. I tug at my sweater which is sitting around my thighs.

Dimitri flicks on the TV and scans the table of different shows. I couldn't see anything I recognise so I concentrate on the food which tastes so much better than I thought it would. I have to hold back making a noise at how good it tastes. I'd already eaten chocolate so I shouldn't this ravenous.

Now I'm thinking about chocolate.

A sharp pinging noise makes my head snap up. The TV screen is lit up by a man standing like a raised cat, his hands poised by his sides over two guns strapped to his hips. The brim of his large hat overcasts his eyes so we only see his mouth. A toothpick is hanging from his smirking lips.

"Is that all ya got?" He grins.

"What's this?" I ask and the man snatches out his guns and unleashes hell on a street lined with wooden houses.

"Silver Gun." Dimitri replies, eyes never leaving the screen.

The TV now shows the man's whole body.

"You have a coat like that."

He hums in reply.

"Last question," I promise. "Who is he and why is he shooting at people?"

Dimitri grins. "That's Silver Gun and he's an outlaw. The sheriff, the man in charge of the human authorities like the police, wants him caught and imprisoned for robbing a bank. But he didn't do it he was framed by a man who wants to marry the girl he loves. So he's shooting in a fit of rage when he should be trying to get away."

On cue, the man starts running through the dusty streets as other people start firing back at him through their windows. He gets hit in the shoulder and goes down. Men quickly descend on him, similarly dressed and drag him away.

We eat in silence as the movie goes on. We watch Silver Gun thrown into prison where his brother and the woman he loves come to visit. She asks him to plead guilty so the law won't kill him. He refuses to lie, his jaw set determinedly in defence against her shining eyes and then they kiss through the bars. I take the plates to the kitchen during that part and when I come back Silver Gun is on a platform, a lonely noose hanging beside him.

They put it around his neck and draw. I look away and watch Dimitri instead. Not wanting any of the sound to paint pictures or memories. It's over quickly and not loudly either. The story ends with the girl, Charlotte, proving Silver Guns' innocence and having the real criminal arrested.

I like that part.

All the men in it call her a liar, bully her, and try to make her small and obedient but she doesn't let them. Not even when Silver Gun's brother threatens her. She stands proudly as the man who had Silver Gun wrongly accused is tied to a pole and shot.

And it ends there.

"I liked her." I say as soon as the screen goes black and the music starts.

Dimitri hums in agreement. "Charlotte is a strong character."

"She didn't even blink when the sheriff threatened to hang her."

"She had a cause." Dimitri says, putting his elbow on the back of the sofa and facing me. "All that love drove her and made her fearless."

"But they could have killed her."

His dark eyes beg me to lean in closer to see what's hidden in the depths. "Some things are worth dying for."

I'm instantly sobered. "Is that what it takes to be brave? To not care about dying?"

"No." He responds immediately. "To not be afraid isn't brave, it's stupid. Charlotte was afraid. She trembled before the court when she presented her case but love made her strong enough to face it."

Love made her stronger? That's a sick joke. Love had my mother chipping more pieces of herself away to give me what I needed.

"What are you thinking?" His is voice quiet and catching in my throat like smoke.

My lips part as the walls I'd built crack, fissures allowing whispers of things I'd locked away to peek through and want to spill from my mouth.

"I-" I begin but Dimitri's watch lights up blue, his intent face turning away to hold it up and then we're eclipsed by light intruding through the living room window. It sweeps over us in seconds but those seconds are all that is needed to change everything.

I seal my lips and smooth over those cracks, horrified that I nearly allowed myself to do that. Dimitri stands and heads toward the door.

I hear Natalie's loud laughter, can feel her excitement and energy approaching the house and all I want to do is get away. I uncurl myself from the couch and slip up the stairs before she can make it to the porch. At the top of the stairs, I spare a glance at the door and find Dimitri's watching me go.

I lock my door and fall back against it. I take a deep breath. I'd made it through today. I had slipped up but not fallen. The ruined clothes I'd hidden had not been found. All I had to do was repeat it another day and it would be easier. It would trail off like it always did. The blood would go away and I'd be safe again.

I go to bed prepared. A thick towel lain down and extra tissue padding my underwear so it bulged out. When I'd been changing the previous handiwork bits of tissue had broken off and littered the floor. It had made me panic that it could have happened around the house, little bits of evidence peppered around. I set my alarm earlier so I can get up to be sure. Plus Victor would be coming back tomorrow and the house needed cleaning.

More men in the house.

For once I'm eager to throw myself into dreaming, into oblivion that wouldn't be real even if it was terrifying.

I wake to the incessant beeping of the alarm and I groggily roll over onto my back. Irritation is fogging my head as I slap the alarm off but something is lurking in the mist, something worse, like the edge of a cliff.

I blink up at the ceiling as the fog clears.

My heart sinks as I'm pushed off the cliff.

"No."

Reluctantly I sit up trying to tell myself that all the aches didn't mean I'm damned. That the tenderness in my breasts could only be because I'd fastened the bandages too tight the night before. That the cramps were due to the spaghetti and that the worst ache, the one that felt like a bruise constantly being pressed on between my legs, is for some unknown reason, someway I'd hurt myself without noticing. And the discomfort and sensation of something going on down there as I sat up had to be something different because it couldn't be … it couldn't be happening.

It couldn't be worse.

Swallowing the pressure in my throat pushes it into my eyes causing tears to spill over as I push away the covers.

I stare down at myself with a mixture of disgust and helplessness, knowing in my heart that I was not going to survive at all.

Updated 14/04/2022

Original note:

Hey you guys Thank you all for your messages and reviews! Cannot believe your sticking this out with me, truly amazed. I actually write things bearing some of you in mind and wondering how you're going to react! I can't wait until I get to the juicy stuff, some of you will lose it! Ahem, Ginervera Annabeth Herondale and Marima, ahem.

OH, Emz6347 brought it to my attention that some of you are nominating Temper for the 'They come first' competition?! I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT BUT WHATTTT. Thank you so much for anybody interested in nominating their favourite VA fic or even looking for recs you can look on Romitri99's account.

Until next time my lovely readers, goodbye…

Ps. Truth comes out next chapter. Every girls knows (and if they don't their lucky) that the second day is the worst and with everyone home… dear oh dear oh dear.

Pps. I noticed some Northern Irish Idioms leaking into the story, sorry! I try to wipe them all out during editing but just encase any leak through.

Jesus Christ I'm still here, hang on:

I also just want to point out that Rose's issues with her body spawn from Janine, not from herself. She's been told for years that her body can be used as weapon against her by men. She's seen and lived her mother being abused that way and has lived in fear of it happening to her. She believed it was inevitable as did Janine.

Right Lauren, go away now.