RPOV

So far it isn't going well.

I had spent so long in the bathroom trying to breathe, trying to strategize, trying to hide it that setting my alarm became pointless and Dimitri ended up knocking on my bedroom door. It was like a bomb going off inside my chest and when I heard him come into the room, calling my name, everything threatened to collapse, crumble and the debris to hit him in a wave of what I once was.

But I held my palms flat to the bathroom door and tried to breathe evenly. I told him I would be out in a minute when what I really meant was go away and please help me.

The world has been distorted. I can't hear past the heartbeat constantly in my ears. Every moment passed with the effort to listen to everything and concentrate on a task. To know where each footfall was headed and to who it belonged. The world is becoming like it was before, terrifying.

For the first time in weeks, I didn't want to eat. I craved food. I craved breakfast. I almost craved the oatmeal but I didn't want it. The more of me there is the harder it is to hide. I'd lost the power to become invisible and the more I tried the more noticeable I became.

I couldn't get it together, couldn't remember the discipline and protocol from before. I couldn't recall my mother's instructions and when I tried all I could hear is her voice hissing with disappointment.

I have forgotten my place.

"I know you said you're fine but you're looking a bit peaky."

I take a deep breath and look up to meet Natalie with a smile. "I'm fine. I promise."

She eyes me for a few seconds longer before humming and turning back to the mirror. I needed to work on that being the last time I had to convince her to let it go.

It had already been tedious getting out from under Dimitri's eye.

"What's wrong?" He had demanded, taking my wrist and forcing my hand under cold water.

I'd spaced out. I'd been worrying about what could be's instead of paying attention and burned myself. The hot sting jolting me back to the room and alerting me that I'd ruined the bacon. Again.

"Nothings wrong." I had said through clenched teeth.

He'd sighed and pulled my wrist back to assess my stupidity. I knew he would push unless I gave him a reason not to.

"I didn't sleep very well. I'm sorry."

His hold becomes gentler, more relaxed as he starts winding a damp cloth around my hand.

"No need to apologise. Bad dreams?"

"I always have bad dreams."

He releases my hand but the look he was giving me made me feel like his fingers were still on my skin. I step away, take a deep breath and go to the fridge in search of the third replacement for breakfast.

"You might think lying is better so I won't worry or you don't want to be an inconvenience but it's redundant. It makes me worry that much more."

I whirl around, annoyance flaring up quick and unexpected.

"What makes you sure I'm lying?"

He watched me steadily. "You have a tell."

The flare spreads like a forest fire. "I do not."

He raises an eyebrow and I realise I've made yet another blunder. I've indirectly admitted I was hiding something. That I was lying and that sends the fear over me like an icy shower.

You can ask me anything.

If you tell me what's bothering you we can deal with it

You can choose to not want to. That's different.

For a moment I wanted to tell him, I wanted to ask for help, throw everything embedded to be instinct out of the kitchen window where I couldn't go outside to retrieve it. I wanted to believe I could ask for anything. Dimitri's imploring expression tinges with impatience and I'm drowned by the other facts. He is a man and he is a Guardian and I cannot decide which is worse.

I don't see him how I had since our talk in the sunlight. I see him wrapped in shadows with a stake in his hand.

"I don't want talk about it." I say meekly.

He walks toward me and the fire is sucked away. He takes the packet from my hands.

"I'll finish this." He says quietly.

I was dismissed.

He wasn't pushing me to tell the truth so he was pushing me out.

I'd trudged upstairs trying to gain some sort of grip on my emotions but it was like trying to grasp water. I was wrecked with anxiety but these flashes of irritation, weepiness and hunger were like violent shoves. There was also some other emotion, something I couldn't identify. It reeled up with hunger but it wasn't my stomach that needed feeding. I craved something and I had no idea what.

Nothing I felt made any sense.

I made it to my room and locked myself into the bathroom, even moving the little stool that lived in there in front of the door. My… attempt at controlling the situation was holding up but I would need to change it soon. I just hoped nobody would notice how much toilet paper I had gone through. I doubted it.

I'd wanted so badly to take the bandages of or even loosen them. My chest is tender and achy but if I took them off I'd only face the hell of putting them on again. I had already cried through that once.

I faced myself in the mirror and watched her eyes widen in surprise at the misery that was reflected. There were dark circles under my eyes and my lips were weighed down on either side. I tried smiling but it only made her grimace.

No wonder Dimitri knew something was wrong. I didn't have a tell I had a whole signpost on my face.

You have to at least try.

As if to test me, a bolt of white-hot fury slashed through my abdomen and fanned out at the base of my back causing me to stumble. I caught the door for support almost tripping over the stool. I had gritted my teeth and curled my hands into fists. I was not weak. I was not vulnerable to my own body. I wouldn't let its betrayal cripple me.

I had marched out onto the landing determined to get through my chores so I could retreat back to the bedroom as soon as possible and that's when I had been captured by Natalie.

"Rose!" She yelled, swinging around from behind the bannister at the end of the hall. "Can you sow?"

Without thinking I'd said I could and now I was here, in her room, mending the lining of her dress. Even stationary in my hands it was the most beautiful piece of clothing I had ever seen. I could see the individual shards of gold and material that shimmered in the bodice and how it trickled down into the mesh of the skirt. The lining of the slip underneath the dress had come undone and it was currently my task to fix it.

It demanded care and patience, two things my anxiety is trying to undermine.

I feed her the lie that I knew Dimitri had rejected. "I'm just a little tired."

Natalie kicks off the stiletto shoes she'd been judging. I'd learned in the past half hour there are many types of shoes and all could have personalities like 'these scream trashy' or 'these are too boring like my dress brought its distant commune cousin to the party'.

"You should take a nap before daddy gets home."

The needle begins to vibrate between my fingers. "When do they get back?"

"Before I leave. Daddy always likes to take photos before these things and give me a rundown on what he expects behaviour wise." In the mirror, she rolls her eyes. "Basically all the things that I have to make sure he doesn't find out about."

"Like what?"

"Drinking, smoking, fornicating, fighting: cat or verbal, physical is out of the question." She sits down at her dressing table and lifts her curling rod thingy. "Respecting the space I'm in, especially a home and under no circumstance am I to embarrass myself or disgrace the name Dashkov."

Her voice has grown comically broody toward the end and she sticks out her bottom lip at me in the reflection of the mirror.

"I don't think you're capable." I murmur as I delicately slide the needle through the seam.

"You haven't seen me with jaeger bombs yet."

"What are they?"

"A ticket to fun town…although there can be detours to shame city. I'll show you one day my friend."

A smile touches my lips for the first time in what feels like years. It was nice to hear of a future place with these things, doing things they considered normal and being included. Even if it wouldn't be real.

There's a gentle tap on the bedroom door and Dimitri shoulders his way in bearing breakfast.

"Yummy! Thanks, Belikov." Natalie says cheerily.

Dimitri merely nods and sets her plate down on her dresser. I make a motion to get up from where I'm sitting on her floor but he waves a hand and passes it down to me.

I thank him but I don't mean it.

He looks pointedly at the bacon sandwich and then at me. He doesn't have to say anything because his voice is in my head. 'Eat'. With Natalie's sunset mural ablaze behind him it makes his silent order that much louder and unyielding.

"This is so good." Natalie comments after the door has closed behind him.

"You should have told him that when he was here." I mutter, picking the crust off a triangle half.

"You like him, don't you?"

My head snaps up. Her tone was playful but I felt like she was accusing me of something. Well, she was…wasn't she?

I try not to bite my lip. "Is that…bad?"

"No." She says with one cheek bloated out as she chews. Her eyes are smiling for her. "He's just not the…easiest type to read. He makes me nervous sometimes."

He made me nervous too but I didn't think it was a bad thing.

"He's not meant to be easy to read, he's a Guardian." I say, only tasting ash in my mouth. I pry off another piece of crust.

She hums in agreement. "True. But Ben and Spiridon can be like that but that's usually when they're working around people. Not in the house where it's meant to be like their home. Maybe that's just how he is, as emotional as a teaspoon."

I'm genuinely confused. "He's not like a teaspoon."

"Fork then. Pointy bits to stab enemies."

"He's not a piece of cutlery." I grit out. "I think he's the easiest person to be around."

Natalie presses her lips together and I can tell she doesn't believe me at all. "Well, it's not like he seems to demand much conversation is it?"

My irritation propels toward the ceiling.

"He is –"

"Are you going to eat that?" she asks.

I look down at my breakfast and I'm lying before I even know it. "I'm not that hungry anymore. The oatmeal filled me up."

Natalie frowns but I read something else on her face. "You should try and eat it though. I know daddy and everyone worries about it."

I blink. "They worry?"

Natalie's expression becomes soft. "Of course they do."

I look back down at my privilege, a token of my luck, a real gift that countless others wouldn't experience.

A tremble starts in my lower abdomen and causes a knock on effect on the delicate situation. I don't do much more than inhale deeply, tasting the meal in the back of my throat. I clench my fist.

I pull at the thread of the look I'd recognised earlier on Natalie. "No really, I couldn't manage it. You have it if you're still hungry."

She makes a series of refusing noises. She shouldn't have so many carbs on the night of her party and she couldn't be that greedy but I already know I've won. Daringly I get up from my spot on the floor, trying not to flinch as the situation shifts below, and take the plate to her.

With itchy palms and a heavy tongue, I try to phrase 'Can I use your restroom?' evenly.

"Yeah, sure." She says, not looking away from the mirror as she twists a lock of her hair around the curling iron.

I walk as steadily as I can into her restroom which is double the size of mine, basically another bedroom. I work as fast as I can to remove the soiled tissue and replace it, trying not to let the anxiety overtake me as flakes and tiny specs escape and litter her dark tiles, all little signs of my secret. I have to flush the toilet twice and I can only hope she won't comment on that.

I take a deep breath and unlock the door. Natalie isn't at her dresser.

"In here." She calls and I walk into her closet.

Natalie is holding up a long sweater and turning it over for assessment. It's a deep red, like the inside of a rose and looked soft and light.

She looks over her shoulder. "I think this might be your colour. How flukey, huh? Rose Red."

"It's nice." I say quietly

"Glad you think so." She grins and then tosses it toward me. I catch it between clumsy fingers. "I can see your fond of sweater dresses and now you have more than one option."

I knew wearing the same thing for the third day in a row would bug her.

"You don't have to wear things to the point they're falling off yano." She sings as she skips past me, one side of her head bouncing with curls and the other sleek and flat.

My fingers tighten around the plush material and I resist the urge to throw it at her.

"Thank you, Natalie." I recite instead.

"You're very welcome." She calls back.

I take a deep breath. This is Natalie's way of helping, to her this is one of the kindest acts she knew. I could try to understand that.

The irritation simmers.

I exhale and go back to my spot on the floor and finish her dress.

"Remind me tomorrow to talk to you about your hair." She says and I prick myself with the needle so I don't throw it at her.

I leave Natalie to finish getting ready and leave my newest gift on the bed in my room. I rush down to the bottom floor to start cleaning, conscious of the ticking minutes until Victor gets back.

Dimitri is sitting on the couch with a book in hand. He doesn't look up.

He still isn't happy with me.

I wouldn't want someone to keep lying to me either so if not talking was the way to avoid that then I really couldn't blame him. It also benefitted me anyway. It meant he wouldn't pursue with the 'oatmeal has lots of benefits' crap.

He reminded me of the old Chinese wise man from the cartoon Natalie liked.

I slip into the utility room and shut the door, just in time too.

My stomach growls.

For years I'd gone with barely anything, just enough to keep me upright and that was more than Janine got. But now my stomach had experienced luxury it had resorted to whining? Whining didn't get you anywhere, hadn't it learned that?

This would be a good reminder for it because here is not forever, it's temporary, and then I was on my own.

Thunder rolls through my abdomen and shoots lighting up my spine. I double over in shock, having at least the wit to clench my teeth so I don't make a sound but even the gasps make me paranoid. Dimitri is not the type you could easily hide things from.

I stumble over the dryer. My fingertips cling to the smooth surface and wait for it to pass.

Slowly it does.

I straighten up as I breathe through it. It was only pain, it was only pain, it was only pain.

Was this my body's further revolt? Because I passed up the luxury of breakfast.

My body is making my head a place I didn't want to be but since when was I ever happy here, stuck inside this cage of flesh and bones?

I have to hold onto the dryer again.

No.

I am in control.

I had to be.

I am.

I collect the cleaning supplies I need and shove them into the carry case. Just as I'm about leave I feel the inklings of anger, no not anger, desperation trembling in my stomach. I clench my muscles and the growl is muted to a pathetic sputter.

I am in control

Dimitri was not going to tell me otherwise. Not when to eat, not when to rest and not give me that look that makes me feel guilty.

I march out into the hall making a mental list of everything I needed to do and feeling completely confident in ignoring him with a straight back and no glances. He could glance at me. Well, he might have if he weren't on the phone.

The confidence wobbles as I spritz the dining table. What if it was Victor? What if they were coming back early? I had at least twenty things to do and then start dinner and I wanted to bake so he would have something nice and Ben would like it –

Dimitri laughs and it stops my vigorous circular motions. It isn't a laugh like I'd heard before, a rush of breath or two. It was from his core, his belly, it was free.

"Not that I'm opposed to my own kidnapping but there are a few holes in your plan."

I look over my shoulder and I'm floored. His expression is warm and I know it isn't Victor or Ben or Spiridon he's talking to. It isn't anyone relating to that part of his life. I'd only ever seen him look like that when he was talking to me but never…this much.

At this moment I feel like I don't know him at all and that I was missing out.

I go back to my chore before he can catch me eavesdropping.

"I'd like that." He responds quietly to whatever is said in his ear.

I'd begun to think that maybe it was his family, a sister or his mother but his tone washes that assumption away. Those three words were threaded by something that didn't connect to family. I didn't know a lot of things but I knew that.

"I have...a trip coming up. Maybe when I'm back or before. I'll let you know as soon as I can."

A friend. Dimitri had a friend who wasn't Ben. How odd. A friend he spoke to like he sometimes spoke to me and who was not Ben, it couldn't be a man. Dimitri had a friend who could be a girl. I slam the surface cleaner into its allotted pouch in the case and take out the cushion foam for the chairs. Maybe it was like a Lissa or a Natalie. He would probably have a Lissa.

He laughs again and it's really annoying. When I've worked my way around the table he finally hangs up.

My stomach trembles again and I clench, unfortunately, I'm poised over a chair and I'm sure it does not look normal at all.

1…2…3…4

"Something wrong?"

I take a deep breath and straighten up. I couldn't only imagine I looked like a rod about to snap.

"Thought there was a stain but it was just the light."

He's walking toward me, probably to inspect himself because it wasn't enough that I could be sure. Without looking up I shoulder past him and retreat to the kitchen. Surfaces and the oven are next.

The bastard follows me.

"The others should be home around twelve and Natalie wants to leave shortly after. Any ideas for dinner?"

"No."

"What's next on your culinary list?"

I shrug and make my way along the counter, spraying it as I go. "Shepard's pie."

Why is he even talking to me? He just thought I lied to him so hadn't it been decided talking is not what we were doing today? I had enough to worry about.

As if to spite me, my body starts reacting down there. My movements are becoming rigid like I was icing over and fighting it.

"Should I lift out mince or start the potatoes?"

I slam the bottle down and look up at him. "You know the recipe?"

He looks unabashed by my tone which made one of us. His face is impassive but it wasn't cold like he was still annoyed about our earlier conversation. It issn't warm like it had been moments ago.

"A little." He says. He probably knew the whole damn thing.

"Oh." I turn back to wipe down the counter.

"Well, do you want me to?"

"No thank you."

"Are you sure? I don't mind and it would give you one less thing to do."

"I can manage."

"I know you can I'm just offering-"

"I'll do it." I snap.

There had been too much pressure. In my head and my abdomen and trying to keep track of his voice in the background caused a fissure to crack. Only now in the silence do I realize I couldn't afford to crack.

"I'm sorry. I appreciate that but I can…I'll do it."

I force myself to meet his eyes. They are unreadable but somehow that makes them readable. Just like how his lack of reactions could be reactions.

I'm confusing myself and I really don't need that right now.

We are just staring at each other. Or rather, he is staring at me and I'm hiding all my secrets.

"Alright, but if you change your mind, I'm here to help."

He's said it quietly, calmly but it was fused with that annoying supportive air.

I didn't need help. It was another thing I couldn't afford.

By the time done doing Natalie is in her dress and is absolutely captivating. It's like watching the sun come down the stairs. The bright gold of the bodice spilled down into lighter pearly rays of her skirt.

"Do these pumps make me look ginormous?" She asks, breaking the spell.

I look down at the pearl satin shoes and back up at her. The new inches really made a difference.

"If you mean taller to be a bad thing then no. You look... amazing."

And she did.

Natalie moves in sweeping movements, her dress fanning out behind her like a breeze has caught it. Her inky black hair is curled and pinned expertly and she wore make-up to enhance her looks, not alter them.

Dimitri says something from the living room but I don't hear him. The situation has taken a critical turn and I needed a bathroom.

"Rose." Natalie calls as I have one foot on the stair. She's looking toward the kitchen. "I think something's about to blow on the stove."

I take a moment to consider running upstairs but instead, I rush to the potato's rescue. They would survive, barely. I drain them and add milk to try and win them over. The whole time I ignore what's going on below my waistline.

"Ah." The pot thunks down onto the counter and I snatch my charred hand back. No that's both hands I've burned today. "Shit."

"Well that's new" Dimitri says, taking me by the shoulders and moving me to the sink. He turns on the faucet.

When the hell did he even come in? Why was he always hovering to swoop in like he was waiting for me to screw up? What was new?

"I'm fine."

It isn't a bad burn, I'd reacted more from shock than anything. It really is making me soft living here.

"So you keep saying." He mutters and then adds louder. "So is dinner."

He moves the pot to a cool ring on the stove. He takes up the masher.

"I'll do that." I flex my hand. It would hurt more later on but now it's sorta numb.

"Go upstairs and put the salve on it."

"No."

I try to take the masher from him but he holds it away.

"Stop it." I reach for it again and he steps back.

I'm going to hit him with a ladle.

"Stop being stubborn." He says flatly. "That will blister. You need to at least wrap in a cold cloth."

"Stop telling me what to do." It comes out between my teeth.

His face creases with some emotion. "Where is this attitude coming from?"

I go still.

What was I doing? What had I said?

"I'm sorry." I breathe.

He tosses the utensil into the pot, his expression exasperated "I don't want you to apologise."

I stop myself from saying it again.

"Has something upset you?" He asks, dark eyes intent, calm, inviting. It was a contrast to the hell that was behind mine. "Have I upset you?"

Surprise parts my lips. He hadn't upset me, well no, he was irritating me but for no viable reason...no reason that made sense.

My silence is taking the form of an answer. I can see it in his face.

"No." I admit quickly, fingers twisting together.

He steps closer and his voice dips. "Then what's wrong?"

I was reliving this morning.

We're interrupted by a gurgle that is almost a growl and my lungs constrict. The question is about to pounce off his lips and I have forgotten how to be unreadable, how to lie, be invisible. Even if I hadn't I'm sure he would see through whatever bad excuse I give.

I am so hungry.

"ROSE!" Natalie cries from the next room, eclipsing the start of Dimitri's question.

I'm out of the room faster than he is which I think is something to marvel at in spite of everything. His Moroi charge had screamed which snapped him into Guardian mode but yet I had beaten him to the living room by a hair. I probably had the edge considering I'd been coiled like a spring.

Natalie is frozen in front of the couch, half bent like she was about to sit down.

"I think I heard a rip." She says, holding up a hand as if the motion would keep her panic at bay.

I needed the bathroom.

I go to her and hesitate before lifting the meshy material to check the slip. If there weren't so many things to worry about the whole thing might have been funny.

"It's fine. It's perfect." I reassure her, letting the skirt fall back into place. Natalie breathes a sigh of relief and drops carelessly into her seat.

"Thank God."

"Excuse me." I say and make my escape toward the stairs. I have to scoot by Dimitri who I can feel burning holes into my skin.

Mind your own goddamn business.

In the refuge of my bathroom, with both its and the bedroom's door bolted, the situation has surpassed critical. It's getting worse. How could it be getting worse? Maybe this was just a… one-off surge, to get rid of it all this time. Maybe it's close to ending, there couldn't be much more left.

I've ruined another pair of underwear and even my black yoga pants are damp too. The inside of my thighs is smeared scarlet making sickening memories and shame swirl in my head.

There's nothing for it but to get into the shower to wash it all away.

It's a quicker process than the last time I had to remove excess blood from my skin. Then again, maybe somebody else's blood stains much more than your own. A way of trying to remain living, melding into the cracks of a anothers palms and under fingernails so it wouldn't be washed away as easily as life could leave a body.

I get pulled under by memories as my foot slips.

The crash onto the wet, tiled floor knocks me back to the present. I scramble up, check myself and turn off the stream. It's a race against time to get out and gather enough tissue before it happens again. But it wouldn't, it was going to taper off now. It had to.

I rinse the blood off the clothes and miraculously it mostly comes away, turning the hot water and soap rusty. Relief evidence disappears down the drain.

I stuff the sodden clothes behind the radiator and pull on a dark pair of jeans. Natalie would notice the difference. I'd say I spilt something and it will be okay.

I do a double-take from the doorway to make sure that you couldn't see anything incriminating and then go check the bathroom for the third time.

From downstairs I hear Natalie scream, "Daddy!"

Dinner is nowhere near ready. I hadn't baked anything. I had completely forgotten in trying to sort out this crisis. I'd forgotten my role and my place.

They come first.

I race out onto the landing and down the stairs.

I hadn't noticed how big the house had been without them but seeing Spiridon smirkin while telling Dimitri something in the foyer with Ben rolling his eyes beside him, and Victor making Natalie twirl for him in the living room made the place feel full again.

I'd be happy if it didn't make scare the hell out of me. More people. More risks.

Ben stops eyeing Spiridon indignantly to look up and grin at me. "Hey, kiddo."

"Hi." I utter as the other two look up.

"Miss us?" Spiridon grins.

Fear flat lines and irritation kindles. It had to be the glare off his spiked blonde hair. It was enough to cause headaches.

"Some more than others." I reply coolly.

Spiridon grins wider and Ben winks at me.

My stomach muscles clench of their own accord, going into spasm and I freeze. Victor calls something out to me, like a greeting or something but I can't hear him so I just smile.

I slip into the kitchen and find the pot on the stove covered by a plate. I lift it away to inspect the potatoes.

"Leave that until tomorrow." Dimitri says from behind me. "It's too much fuss and they're hungry now. We'll order in."

I'd failed. I had so much time today to have this ready and I failed.

"It won't take that long. I can –"

"Rose." Dimitri says in a tone that hushes me and ends the discussion. "It's okay. Leave it."

My shoulders drop.

I don't hear him come up beside me, I don't notice the footsteps so when he tugs at my braid I jump so violently that I drop the plate and it crashes to the floor.

"OPA!" Spiridon yells from the next room.

Dimitri is holding his palms up and I am a garbled mess of apologies.

Stupid body. Stupid body. Stupid girl. Stupidlittlebitch.

I duck down and start picking up the pieces, trying to collect the shards of my battered nerves at the same time. He bends down too, movements slow and deliberate which only serves to piss me off. The emotion spiking so quickly and forcing words out before my mind can catch up.

"Why did you do that?" I demand.

"I asked why your hair was wet. I apologise. I shouldn't have touched you." His voice is quieter than usual, saturated in with regret.

I'd meant why did he make me jump? Why did he make me so comfortable that I could zone out and not pay attention? Why did he do that? It caused more accidents, it made me incompetent. And then it made me look like a frigthened animal, one he had to approach and speak softly around - and i hate that most of all.

"Keeping him in line?" Ben asks, strolling into the room and bringing some lightness with him. He stoops down and takes all the shards from my hands. "Jesus, you're cold."

I want to be cold. I wanted to be numb and made of stone. Instead, I have to get up off the floor and try not to fray out, this heated irritation unravelling my sanity.

I have nothing to do. Nothing to keep me occupied and out of their way. Natalie is leaving and I couldn't go sit in my room, could I? Would that be rude? I could say I was tired and it wouldn't be a lie. They already looked at me in pity so maybe I could use it...just this once. Allow myself to be seen as weak.

Everything in me hates that.

"So drop Natalie off, pick up food on the way back?" Ben is asking.

"I'll do it if you want? You haven't stopped today." Dimitri returns.

"Dude, do not leave me alone with him. I need a break." Ben casts a look back to the living room.

I could only imagine he was whispering about Spiridon and not Victor. Dimitri grins but it isn't genuine and I know it's my fault.

Natalie dances into view through the entry. She's smiling so happy and bright, looking like a star wearing the sun. Victor stands in front of her and holds up his phone and I grasp that he's taking photos. Natalie strikes various poses and then starts giggling before sticking out her tongue.

I suddenly wish I knew what kind of night she was going to have.

She catches me staring.

"C'mere." She calls, waving me forward. I try to refuse but she's so insistent, then Ben nudges me with his hip and the pressure is everywhere. Natalie comes forward and takes my hand, pulling me on to her stage. "Our first selfie!"

"Our what?" I repeat.

Victor smiles and takes a step back, holding up his phone. I hadn't even greeted him yet.

"Pull a stupid face." Natalie tells me. "Like this." And she crosses her eyes.

I can't help it, I laugh.

"That's a good one." Victor beams, his eyes alight with his smile.

He turns the phone around for us and there we are, there I am. Immobilised in my first photograph with my first friend, who looks unbelievably goofy and the face I'm making shows I'm thinking as much.

"I need that one on my wall." Natalie says, handing it back.

My heart swells.

It's the nicest thing anyone has ever said.

My eyes prick and I hastily turn away, pretending there's something on my cuff.

"Okay, I need to go. I don't want to be too late for my own party, it's bad form and gives some people the opportunity to run their mouths."

"Have a wonderful evening darling." Victor plants a kiss on her forehead. "Behave."

"And if I don't you won't know anything about it." She sings.

There is a trembling in my abdomen and I don't know if it's hunger or something else. I retreat into the kitchen where Dimitri and Ben are leaving, talking above my head about things I cannot hear because something is going wrong. But it couldn't be going wrong. No, not now, here, not –

Not thunder or lightning this time but both, along with a hurricane and something that feels like a compilation of cramps, rampage through me. My legs go out from under me as does the air from my lungs so I don't even cry out when my head connects with the island

It hadn't tapered off, all day it it had been warning me that it was going to get worse and I'd ignored it, made myself believe I could handle it.

"Rose!"

Ben's voice.

Ben trying to draw me up.

I could hear myself telling him not to touch me like I hearing a stranger say it.

"What's wrong? Where does it hurt?"

His voice is Guardian flat and it makes my entire body curl tighter, trying to inch away.

"Should I call Keith?" Victor says, not sounding calm at all.

"Yes. She hit her head when she went down and she isn't making any sense." A hand presses to my lower back and I whimper. "Rose, I need you to sit up."

Don't touch me. Don't touch me.

"What?"

I need Natalie.

Ben's boots and hands disappear. I hear the beep and a door flung open, his yell from the porch.

Light uncertain fingers brush my shoulder. I was under a Moroi's hands again, on the ground and in agony.

I needed Natalie. I needed someone who would understand.

"Ben's fetching Natalie. She's coming, don't panic. You're going to be alright." Victor soothes and I curl tighter in to myself, needing to hide.

Beyond the pain and betrayal of my body, I can hear the quick footsteps, the fast click of her shoes behind the heavier ones of boots.

I concentrate on the cool tile on my face, keep my eyes screwed shut.

"Rose?" Natalie's loud and confident voice is subdued, she sounds scared and a shuffer rocks through me.

I c hanear Dimitri close by. I c hanear the rush of breath with its inflections, demanding to know what happened. I can hear Ben's quiet response, laced with confusion and worry. I know Spiridon and Victor were watching. I'm a spectacle and I hate myself for it.

Natalie says my name again and I feel the brush of her dress as she drops down to take my hand. She shouldn't be on the floor in her dress, even though i'd cleaned this floor until it shined. She takes so much pride in it and I was ruining it, I was ruining something again.

I sense her body leaning over me, feel her other arm curl around my back and somewhere in the back of my stupid head I think she's trying to shield me.

"Rose, tell me what's wrong."

"Make them go away." I whisper.

She leans up.

"Can you all leave? Give us a minute." She says in a normal voice which is much too loud.

Victor begins to protest and it makes me shudder but Natalie verbally pushes them out into the foyer, as far as the living room.

She runs a hand over my hair. "Rose, sit up."

Slowly my body thaws, my eyes cracking open and I let her guide me up. My hands are shaking so much it looks like their vibrating.

Natalie brushes my hairline. "Ouch, that's gotta hurt. C'mon, let's get you up and get some ice. Did I ever tell you about the time I fell off the teachers desk? Long story, not really, I got up there on a dare and then tripped on a stapler."

My brain is tugged by her story, following it and before I know it I'm looking at her. Natalie smiles but it's strained with worry.

"Can you get up?"

"No."

"Why?" She asks, her warm hands making soothing motions up and down my forearms.

I try to breathe. I need to get it right so I can speak. I need to tell her. I need to say it before they all come back in.

"Rose, let me help you."

I was wrong before, I do need help, no matter how much I want to deny it.

Natalie's green eyes hold mine.

I take a deep breath and then I tell her.

Updated 15/04/2022

Hi wonderful people Bad news and goods news. The bad news is the month of May is not only my Birthday month but the month University demands all my attention so don't expect anything before the 21st. GOOD NEWS IS I'M FREE BEYOND THAT.

Until then my lovelies xxx