RPOV

"Haven't ya heard? I'm the crazy bitch around here." Blair smirks, the arc of her lips transforming her pretty, sweet face.

I hit pause and study it. How did she do that? It was like wattage subtly being turned up. In her eyes maybe? Something highlighting her ample cheeks and dark brown eyes with confidence. It's power. It would be hard to imitate a girl like her and according to Natalie, there were a lot of girls like her, which was why it was a part of my homework to watch this show.

Natalie wanted to teach me how people in her world were by watching this show.

Calculating, scheming, manipulative, fake and narcissistic. I knew people could be like that. Mistress Ozera flashes in my mind. I wanted to avoid people like that. I wanted to know Lissas, Natalies, and Dimitris and Bens, maybe I could even tolerate Spiridons. But the girls in this show are clever and…it all seemed like a big game. Scheme, attack, win or lose. Repeat. Try and impress people above you….

The world couldn't be full of games, could it? And people who thought they were entitled to everything. The only difference with this show was that they were all human because Moroi stayed away from the spotlight. Natalie said the only performers in her, our, world stayed to performing in theatres and the few recorded artists stayed very 'low key'.

Chuck should have gotten a lot more than punched for what he tried to do to Jenny. It had filled me with so much rage I had to pace my room and splash cold water on my face to try and dispel it. I continued on with the show but my mind would get tugged back to that situation and I would imagine what I would do...it was a lot more than punching.

Sex could be a part of the games too but that just seemed to blow up in their faces. And even though it was hard to watch I couldn't stop watching at those parts and mostly because I didn't get it. I understood it tied with jealousy and manipulation and affection but I just didn't get it. I wanted to ask Natalie about it, about how she and her boyfriend worked but I didn't know how.

I don't think it's polite to ask...is it just something you're supposed to know?

It's a horrible subject.

I wanted to stay away from it as well. Not only did it confuse me but it contorted things. Watching Serena and Dan eat each other's faces and Blair and Chuck have these prolonged tense encounters had seeped into my head so that I had a bizarre dream last night. I was reliving those moments only I was in them… and all I wanted was for Dan to leave me alone. Then I was on a rooftop with buildings all stretched out in front of me, we were up so high the streets below were covered by clouds.

"You tell me first." Dimitri had said, staring down expectantly. He was in one of Victor's suits and I had resisted asking him why.

"Why do I always have to say things first?" I'd huffed and hopped up onto the edge of the wall. That's when I realised I was in a dress and I'd clamped my legs together and pulled the material tight across my legs. Below my knees were bare. They were more shapely too, my thighs, not achingly thin.

And I felt warm.

Dimitri came closer, leaning his hip on the wall, close to my knee and thigh and bare skin.

I felt warmer but he wasn't acting right. He was sort of pouting…like Chuck.

"I told you. You can tell me anything." He'd purred and his voice wasn't his own anymore it was Chucks. But that didn't seem ridiculous at the time and neither did wearing a dress. I felt quite brave.

"I don't want to leave."

Dimitri nods and then steps in front of me so we're at eye level. My legs are bare below my knees. It's very warm. He's looking at me like I could ask him anything.

"But you have to."

And then he pushed me off the building.

I woke up confused and irritated, but that could be down to the intense ache between my thighs from the situation. Which shouldn't be acting up as it was tapering off now…

My body hated me.

The show is annoying and none of those 'actors' looked sixteen either. Unless humans aged quicker than us.

I go to the menu and click on favourites.

"Welcome to the blue planet, the show that delves into the blue abyss and explores the other world within our own…"

I sit up straighter as the screen ignites a brilliant colbalt. The angle tilts and my head tilts with it. Then the camera is rushing over mountains and trees until it drops off a cliff to show the great expanse of water.

The sea.

I thought the lake was overwhelming. This never-ending navy gave me the feeling of needing to hold onto the bed beneath me. And it housed more than fish, great, incredible animals. I preferred these shows and Ben likes them too, he's my favourite person to watch T.V with.

A knock on the door interrupts the voice introducing what looked like a grey dog. Only it had no fur and had some resemblance to a dolphin. I'd learned about those yesterday.

"Come in."

For a moment the walls threaten to rush toward me when I imagine Spiridon stepping in but the room breathes a sigh of relief when Dimitri opens the door.

"Am I disturbing you?"

I glance at the screen and back at him. "Yeah but that's okay. Come in."

Natalie said people prefer it when you're straight with them. It makes you trustworthy and it did make me feel better being able to be honest after the feeling of my heart being seized by a fist passes.

And being honest with Dimitri is good practice because he's steady and not a lot makes him react.

He sidesteps into the room and closes the door behind him. He remains by the door as if he doesn't want to intrude further but leans forward to get a better look at the screen.

"Discovery planet?"

I nod.

"I thought Natalie had you hooked on …" He searches for the right word or maybe he's trying to remember the name. "Teen drama's."

"I'm taking a break to watch this." I flick the channel back to the other paused show. "Gossip Girl is my homework."

He tilts his head. "And what is it exactly you're supposed to study?"

I sit up straighter and clutch my ankles as I recall Natalie's exact words. "The relations of power in a teenage social structure. She's going to ask me questions."

"Sounds like a test I would fail."

I always failed set tests but at least this time my assessor wasn't so violent. "I don't think I'm going to do so well either."

He shifts his weight to the left and I almost wish he'd sit down. Almost. "What's the purpose of this test?"

"I think… to show me how people my age are, girls more importantly."

"I see. You have to bear in mind it's all fiction and not accurately reality."

There's an element of stress in his voice that made me want to roll my eyes. I was not that impressionable or naïve. I was... ignorant. I liked to believe there's a difference. I knew television was about people reading off pages and acting. Like how reading a book caused images and people to come alive in my head. Someone else's words but its my mind seeing them.

"I know."

He nods and shifts to the right. His chin tilts down and he looks up at me. Studies. I hold my ankles tighter.

"And what do you think of the show then? I don't know what it's about but I get the general gist of teenage dramas."

I shrug. "I don't really understand why they want to do the things they do or want to impress each other so badly. I don't know why they do bad things to each other and then be friends again. I don't know why a lot of it is important. It...frustrates me." And some of it made me angry.

He nods like being so ignorant isn't ranked with stupid. Sometimes Natalie made me feel stupid but not on purpose.

"I think some of that may be the point. Being a teenager is a lot of trial and error. You're trying to figure out who you are and what you believe whilst trying to see where what you've been told to believe or taught fits in. Going from having decisions made for you to having to make them yourself can lead people to be selfish because it's their first instinct, to look out for themselves which can cause some fallout between friends and family. It's years of trying to figure it out."

How was he so smart? "They make a lot of errors."

His lips twitch. "Are they rich?"

I nod.

"Then they're spoilt and the selfish aspect is a lot heavier then."

"Are you sure you haven't seen the show?"

"I don't have to. I've lived it."

What a startling thought. Dimitri had gone to a school like Natalie and Lissa, and as far as I was aware he wasn't rich. Also, he is a Dhampir so… in terms of status he wasn't like Chuck or Nate or Blair… he was like Jenny or Dan.

I liked those two.

"Anyway, I wanted to give you something." He says, voice dipping. I sit up straighter as he reaches behind him and produces a small book. "My sister gave me this. It's one of her favourites but I thought maybe you'd enjoy it."

He takes three steps toward the bed and holds it out. I crawl forwards and take it from him.

"'Harry Potter and the philosophers stone.'" I look up from the brightly animated cover. "What's a philosopher's stone?"

There's something pleased in his face but it's hard to pinpoint. "You'll have to read it to find out."

I run my thumb over the cover. "Did you like it?"

"It reminds me of her so yes."

My fingers tighten on the shiny surface with its cracks that show wear from being loved. I was holding something important to two people. One I'd never met but had given it to her brother, someone special to her, someone she loved and now he was sharing it with me.

This is important.

"Thank you."

His expression shies back into its modest way. "You're welcome. It's nothing like what you have been reading but I hope you like it."

I glance over to the bedside table where 'Moroi culture: Nostru Istorie', 'Before you go into the woods. A guide to wildlife' and of course, a dictionary all sit like reliable friends.

"I'm sure I will. Thank you."

He nods and I expect him to excuse himself but instead, he asks, "Why a dictionary?"

"It's familiar." He raises an eyebrow and I realize Victor mustn't have told him. "It was one of the books I had. It…tells me the truth."

"Books are good at showing us that. Let me know what you think of that one, if it decides to tell you anything or if you don't like it."

"More homework." I try and I gain a small smile from him. His gaze drops by my shoulder and his grin fades. Before I know it he's perched on the edge of the bed. A new warmth presses up against me.

"It looks better."

I catch myself doing it again. Tracing the planes of his face when he won't notice and sometimes it's not just his face but his shoulders. How wide and solid they are. I don't know why that's fascinating but it is. Before he notices I follow his line of sight which happens to be on me, on my arm. The sleeve had been pushed up to let the moisturizer dry.

I extend it out and the dark pink grooves shine angrily in the light. "It's ugly."

Natalie's reaction had told me as much. I'd been changing the dressing in the bathroom and Natalie had been perched on the bathtub after following me in without hesitation which I found worrying because what if I had needed to do something else? But she had been talking to me about the different uses of coconut oil when her voice cut off.

"Scars aren't supposed to pretty. They're proof you survived."

That made sense I suppose. I could find pride in that. I am covered in scars so if I couldn't be pretty then I could be proud.

Natalie's skin is smooth and flawless. Milky pale and soft which she said was all down to her skincare routine which I was to adapt but looking down at my own hands, calloused and with the dark scar on the back of my left hand, I doubted they'd ever be as pretty. Not that it mattered.

"It will fade." He adds, as if sensing the need to comfort by shallow thoughts. "The cocobutter will help."

I look up at him. "How did you know that?"

That faint smile comes back. I wanted to find the switch that would turn it up, and make his face alight in happiness. But with Dimitri was that even possible? Sometimes it seemed 'revolutionary' (word of the day, thanks to history book) to have his full attention at all, that a part of his mind isn't off elsewhere thinking, worrying, planning or being a Guardian.

"My sister used it religiously when she was pregnant. It helped with stretchmarks and she always smelled like this."

An odd feeling ripples in my tummy. "Your sister had a baby?"

He hums, smile fading. "And she's having another but I haven't seen her since she found out." I picture a faceless woman with an alien roundness to her stomach like a ball had been shoved under her clothes. "Her first, Paul, is four – no – five. His birthday was last week."

"Oh." Is all I can think to say but then I need to say something else because I can see him leaving, pulling away into his thoughts. He looks exhausted. "What is he – what is he like?"

He snaps back to the present. "Paul? Oh well, he's – " The smile flourishes again, teeth spied for a moment, and I may have found the switch. "Well they say he looks like me. Dark hair, only his is more curly and brown eyes. He's tall too, for his age."

"Smart?"

"Smart?" He repeats.

I almost cough. "Uh, well you are and you said he's like you so…"

He looks amused or maybe flattered. "He is quite bright but he gets it from Karolina, very creative and brave in the way children are." He lets out a laugh and my shoulders jolt in surprise. He doesn't notice. "We bought him a leggo set for Christmas and he wanted to build a rocket ship that had been in his cartoon. So he assembled the leggo, which are little plastic blocks that connect to each other, and the model was almost exact. Impressive for a four-year-old and we told him how good it was but he wasn't happy because the leggo didn't have the ability to actually launch..." He was really grinning now and he'd leant back on the bed. His hand was near my thigh as one arm kept him propped up. I clutch my ankles again. "So he went in search for the lighter fluid and cello-taped a lot of newspaper to the bottom."

I didn't know from experience what leggo was but he'd just told me it was plastic and that mixed with lighter fluid and fire…

Dimitri is still grinning. "Fortunately we kept the matches on top of the cabinet so he had to ask me to retrieve them."

"Spoiling his plans."

He hums again. ". Karolina confiscated the leggo and Paul through a tantrum. I guess you would if you'd put so much time and effort into building a five hundred block replica rocket. Also sent to bed without pudding isn't nice either."

"No." I murmur in agreement. I'd be in danger of throwing a tantrum too now that I lived as I do. Although the idea of Victor sending me to bed without dessert seems ridiculous. Natalie would argue on my behalf and if that failed, Dimitri would probably give me his again.

"Why are you smiling?" I demand.

The idea of a little Dimitri upset, and being sent to a dark bedroom burns in my mind and I feel the need to argue on his behalf.

Dimitri's eyes soften. "I felt very guilty so I woke him up early and we snuck out. There is a man called Crooks in our village who you could buy anything from. Anything at all. So I bought a firework and we let it off."

He grins at me and hollowly I mirror it. "They're the things that explode in the sky right?"

His grin falters and he nods. "Yes. You'll see soon. Halloween is in October, a celebration Natalie always has a big party for and if not then, then on New Years."

"Where does Natalie have this party?"

"Well, here."

My heart stops. "And I'll be here?"

"Do you have plans to be elsewhere?"

I glare at him and he chuckles, making me want to shove him off the bed but that would be like shoving him against a mountain. Then I'd suffer the scolding humiliation I'd had earlier when he'd taken the trail with such ease and I was close to lying down and refusing to ever move again.

Natalie's last party had been nearly cancelled and then moved to Lissa's house. Even though I'd spent my time wondering about it, it sounded like a lot. It sounded so bad Lissa had left it so I'm not sure how I felt about it.

"Will I have to stay in this room?" I pluck the duvet.

"I don't see why you would unless you wanted to. There will be a lot of people, even if Natalie is told to downsize. People your age."

My stomach drops down the floor and starts bouncing around the utility room.

Dimitri lightly touches my knee. "You won't have to be there if you don't want to be."

"People dress up at Halloween." Is all I can think to say.

"Yes."

"Will you dress up?"

"Yes."

"As what?"

"A socially at ease person in black."

I frown and thankfully I dissect the sarcasm in time to stay in on the joke. "You'd have to smile more."

"That's the challenge."

I take a deep breath. "Why don't you smile more?"

His gaze measures me and my stomach blasts back up into my body to start expanding. "Well working in close quarters to…some people –"

"Spiridon."

"- can undermine that. Do I seem unpleasant then?"

"What? No." I say quickly and squash the memory of Natalie's voice in her bedroom when she said he was like a fork. Somehow he seems to be reading my mind again and looks disbelieving. "You always seem …sad."

"Sad?" He repeats and immediately I know I've said the wrong thing.

"Well no, let me think." I wrack my head willing words to fling themselves forward. They'd been my only friends for months and now they were deserting me. "Like… like you're not always here. Like there's something else your thinking off that makes you...despondent."

"I come across as hopeless?" He says sceptically and I glare at him.

"You come across as detached." I snap, a small part of me wondering how being mean to him is going to make him want to talk to me. "Always in two places at once."

He watches me steadily and then finally says, "I see."

I expect him to get up and leave but he doesn't. So we both just sit there, I'm sure what I should be doing or what he's thinking. I have a stupid notion where I think maybe I should leave the room.

Instead, I venture out into the dark with, "Is it because you miss them?"

I hear him take a long, deep breath. I dare glance up and I'm startled to see he looks exactly like I'd described. Sad. His head isn't held up and proud, his lips are slightly downturned and his eyes unguarded. It's like seeing someone else. I feel like locking the door. I feel like taking his hand.

I feel very confused.

"Yes." He says quietly. "I miss them all the time."

This is why I didn't want to make Dimitri's phone call. He spoke to his sisters all the time or I assume he did, and he still looked felt and looked like this so it obviously didn't help. It made it worse.

"When will you see them again?"

"I don't know."

"Oh, well I'm sure it will be soon or you could ask Victor…arrange something?"

His lips break into a small smile again but there's nothing happy about it.

He speaks softly, "They don't want to see me, Rose. They don't want to speak to me."

I'm sure I look like Natalie did when she saw my scar. I knew he'd said something about it in the garden, in that weird dreamlike morning, but that was weeks ago. "Why?"

He twists toward me, bringing one knee up onto the bed. "I…do you remember I told you I'd done something believing it was for the best? Well what I did, what I've done is…" He sighs. "My father is a terrible man. He always has been. He has always come and gone from our lives, sometimes he was there and other times he wasn't. Sometimes I would stay at St. Basils, my school, rather than travel home at the weekend. That was incredibly selfish because it meant leaving my sisters and grandmother to deal with our parents but I needed to put myself first if I was going to succeed." He's seeing something or somewhere that's not in this room. "It wasn't always bad. Sometimes it was almost normal…he would make her laugh and she'd always be smiling but when he was drunk his temperament would swing the other way. Shouting, screaming… beatings. i think, having a dose of the good made the bad ten times worse because we were always made to feel responsible for it."

I don't dare breathe or make a noise that could be considered offensive.

"He would lash out for no reason and it was usually my mother that got it, not always but mostly and afterwards, especially if he ended the visit on a bad note she would become …temperamental herself. She would blame us and scream and cry, scared he would never come back and we all wished he wouldn't but he did. It wasn't easier when he left on a good note either. The withdrawals could be just as bad."

"Withdrawals?"

"I believe the term you'd most understand, that you've heard Natalie use, is 'Blood Whore'. It's in your history book I'm sure."

Yes, I did know. Yes, I did understand and sickeningly I could almost imagine how his mother would be because mine would be the same when the Master didn't come for days or those rare weeks when they were away. When he hadn't visited and that blissed-out look I'd seen in Alice's eyes would completely fade from hers… and she'd whisper horrible things at me in the dark. Blame me for things.

I'd imagined so many things about Dimitri's family. From the things he'd told me I imagine him surrounded by laughing, smiling people...having a people that loved him. It intrigued me because I knew they would know him in a way no one in this house did.

"When I was twelve I stood up to him. I'd undergone enough basic training. I was angry enough and so I unleashed it on him one night when he'd gone off. I broke a few things, tossed him out and told him to never come back. Karolina had to hold my mother back otherwise she would have come to his defence. My grandmother slipped a sleeping draught into her drink and when she woke up a few days later she wasn't angry, having slept through the worst of the withdrawal symptoms I suppose. She promised to never see him again."

Dimitri looks up at me. "It didn't last but it was a quiet year."

"He came back."

"Yes and it was the same, maybe a little worse. I stayed at school more and hated myself when I did. I...became a lot worse."

"I'd stay away if I could."

"And leave everyone else to deal with it" He murmurs, not really asking but casting judgement on himself. I'm about to argue when he carries on. "My temper became a problem. I don't mean I lashed out constantly but it meant I had very little tolerance or focus. When it got to a crucial point where I was on the precipice of being thrown out a teacher, Galina, took me under her wing. I learned to exert control and harness my emotions."

That explained his scary calmness. How he could regard Spiridon like nothing more than a fly.

"She was your mentor. She taught you like you'll teach me?"

He hesitates. "Somewhat the same."

I realise I may have ruined the moment and I urge him on in a way I hope doesn't seem as pushy as it really is.

"Galina's methods helped me keep my head when at home but I knew it had to stop. My sisters and grandmother agreed but they were frightened, especially when Paul was born. My father had hinted at taking him away." Dimitri's jaw tenses and a sharpness enters his eyes. "I had to find a way to get his hold off our lives. I'd met Victor once, on graduation day at school when I became qualified. He'd come to… well he wanted to congratulate us. He'd given me his card but I didn't think much of it, I wanted to go into the field." He's quiet for a moment, his eyebrows drawing together as he remembers somewhere that isn't here. Pulled away again. "I was away when Karolina called me on a particularly bad night. My father had broken my mother's wrist and Paul had been so scared he'd hidden inside a wardrobe. No one found him for hours thinking he'd left the house. Hearing my sister like that I knew I had to do something. I left my public rotation, went home and Spiridon came on Victor's behalf to negotiate the terms of my services. I would take less money in exchange for him to hide them and he has."

I try and take it all in because it's a lot of information.

"But why…why would they be angry with you for that?"

He sighs and the weight of the universe settles on his shoulders. "Karolina's and Sonja aren't so much angry but frustrated. My mother has not been easy to handle at all and they had to find new jobs. She was furious and sees it as being held against her will, not being able to see him and not being able to contact him. Although it was agreed if she could be sober, abstain from being fed on, for a few months she'd be liable to make her own rash decisions. She hasn't been able to do that."

"But she's not near him so why-"

"Victor relocated them to another Dhampir community. There are always Moroi visitors and it's not like we can keep her locked in the house."

He runs a hand through his hair and I wish I could smooth it back for him. When I was little I would do that for Janine. Eddie had liked it too.

"What about Viktoria?" I ask shyly, hoping I've remembered correctly.

"She is angry. She's been taken away from her friends, her school and she has to deal with everything going on. She's also the youngest. I understand her anger completely."

I lean toward him. My fingers are itching to take his, to give an anchor to the loneliness and desolation in his eyes or to communicate what I can't say which is he hadn't done a bad thing. He hasn't done anything remotely bad.

"And I know my mother makes it worse, uses me to justify her outbursts and viciousness. It doesn't help."

His hand is rougher, warmer, and sturdier than I'd expected. His long fingers long suddenly tense under my grip.

"I'm sorry she doesn't see what you have done for them and that this is hurting you."

He looks at me as if I've said something unworldly or completely random like he hasn't been the one baring his secrets tonight. He looks down at our hands and I can feel mine growing warmer and I worry it's going to start burning.

His fingers curl to tighten on mine. "Thank you."

"Karolina will be grateful. Her new baby will never know him and Paul won't have to be scared of him." I take a deep breath, try and hold onto my nerve. "No child should grow up being so afraid."

He nods. "She has said that but it's still hard. Her partner has to travel further to see them and he has to contractually swear to never reveal their location. My father is a very wealthy man and can be very persuasive. Charming when he wants to be."

"But he doesn't know Victor has helped you." I murmur, remembering why Dimitri was the one to remain behind on Victor's trip to Court.

"No. It would be very bad if he found out."

I wished I could hurt him, Dimitri's father, just how I wished and imagined hurting Mistress and Master Ozera. Maybe one day I could. What the three of them stood for, their names, it didn't matter to me. It mattered to Victor who had kept Dimitri from Court so his father wouldn't antagonise or try to mess up his plans. And Dimitri wouldn't be able to do anything without compromising Victor. I was no one.

I could hurt people and disappear.

My hand is still in his and my thumb draws a small circle on his skin. "They're safe from him."

He nods. "And that's what matters, whether they hate me or not."

"They can't hate you." I say strongly. "They just need… someone to blame and you're not there to defend yourself or calm it down."

"Mediate?"

"Yeah."

"You have no idea…" He shakes his head and inhales deeply, strength returning to his frame. He looks at me, in that way that I know I'm being seen. "Thank you for listening to me."

My heartbeat is in my ears like it is when I'm in trouble but I'm not in trouble. Am I? "You've done so much for me. It's nothing."

He cocks his head and a strand of bronze falls over his brow. "You then know more than anyone how much it can mean to have someone listen."

I can only smile. My fingers begin to burn and without permission they let him go. He looks startled like he'd forgotten we'd been doing it.

"Yes well, Natalie gives me good practice."

"Oh, yes. I'm sure she does." He clears his throat and sits back. Immediately I can feel the wall being thrown back up. "I didn't mean to put that on you. Sorry-"

I hold up my hands. "No, that's not what I meant. Please don't it's nice that someone can talk to me like...like they're not weighing up every single word, afraid they're going to scare me." He nods, closing and opening his eyes as he does so which seems to calm him. "You look exhausted." I murmur. "Do you ever sleep?"

His lips twitch and he looks at me almost sheepishly. "Not as much as I should. It might help with my detachment issues. I need to be focused especially in the next couple of days."

I want to ask about his sleeping and about what goes on in that room where he has private phone calls to someone who isn't his family but instead I ask, "Are we looking for Zmey?"

He looks immediately alert, despite everything. He considers me for a few seconds and I know he's thinking in Guardian form and no longer himself, like all himself.

"We're not actively seeking Zmey out in Estonia, no. I wanted to talk to you about the trip actually. Clarify a few things. Whilst we're there you must do everything you are told to be safe. You shouldn't be left alone at any point but if you are then you stay where you are until one of us comes back for you, unless you're told to do otherwise. Understand? Good. Do not wander off. When we're there we will be going to investigate … a crime scene. As it stands I think Ben will be staying with you but we'll know more closer to the time. The basic principles are don't stray, don't speak to anyone you don't know and do everything you're told in order to stay safe."

All that kind of went without saying but I suppose it was better to have it said. Enforced it all and helped me understand where I stood amidst all their planning and talking of people and clauses and Court at the dinner table. I only mentioned Zmey because they'd mentioned him a lot and 'The Circle' and now they'd assume I knew because of that and not from Ben's email.

Lissa hadn't said anything about it but whenever they had been discussing it I'd had this niggling in my mind like I needed to tell Victor about Lissa knowing. I had no idea why but I was able to squash it down.

I tuck my knees up. "Who's the person you're meeting? The informant."

Dimitri crosses his arms and shifts back to the edge of the bed, "Always curious."

I shrug and grab my ankles. "Some say nosey."

He chuckles, "On a namesake basis we have no idea. We have specified a meeting in a crowded public place…you may have to come with us to that depending on the date. You will be safe."

"You keep saying that like it's something I doubt or worry about."

He looks hard at me. "You should worry about your safety."

"I don't when I'm with you."

Something flickers in the dark brown depths of his eyes but then his jaw clenches. "Not that you should doubt that your well-being isn't important when you are with us but you must understand that Victor is the priority."

I stare back at him. "They come first." He nods and I have no control over what I say next. "Even before your promise?"

He stares at me and his lips part like he's going to answer...

There's a loud noise outside like something being thrown at the wall. Dimitri's out the door and into the hall before an unexpected, surprising cuss has left my mouth. I scramble off the bed to follow and more thuds, shuffling and hushed voices meet me in the doorway.

Ben is backed up against the library door and Dimitri has one hand on his chest like he's holding him there. Spiridon is slouched against Victor's Office door and he's grinning which could not be a good sign.

"Don't you ever-" Ben begins, the words scraping past his teeth and making him sound like a complete stranger.. "Speak about her like that again. Don't you ever."

"That's the thing about the truth." Spiridon says grinning and pushing himself upright. "It hurts people."

Ben moves and Dimitri roughly shoves him back.

"You both need to pack this in." Dimitri hisses. "In less than 10 hours we're boarding a plane to go into a precarious situation. We need to be a unit."

"I really don't see how that's going to be an issue." Spiridon drawls.

Dimitri's hand leaves Ben so he can face Spiridon entirely. "It will be an issue if you continue to antagonise and show no respect, not even for us, but for Victor. He needs us operating to our strengths and we need to rely on each other."

Spiridon points between them. "So sort out your shit then. If you two were discrete enough to leave your personal life out of things I wouldn't have anything to comment on, would I?"

Ben bears forward and Dimitri raises an arm to hold him back.

"It's pretty easy to keep your fucking mouth shut or do I need to give you incentive?" Ben growls.

He didn't sound like himself at all. It made me want to lock my bedroom door or go down there and help form a human wall with Dimitri. I didn't want Ben getting into any more trouble and especially not for the idiot with stupid hair.

"You could try."

Dimitri has to shove Ben back again and throw a warning hand out at Spiridon who squares up to take an oncoming attack. I glance at the ceiling hoping Victor will remain asleep.

"Enough!" Dimitri commands. "For Victor's sake, enough."

I expect another sarcastic comment from Spiridon but instead, he takes some deep breaths and his stance changes.

"I'll see you both at five." He says and looks around Dimitri's shoulder at Ben. "Get your excuses in order… probably your resume too."

He turns away, one fleeting look at me and walks away to his bedroom. The sound of his footsteps is almost non-existent.

"It's easy for you to keep your personal life in check, isn't it?" Ben calls after him in low voice. I wish he would just shut up and from the way Dimitri's eyes have closed, I'd guess he's thinking the same. "Seeing Victor is all you have."

The only response is the closing of a door.

Dimitri rounds on Ben and they both stare at each other.

"Rose, go back into your room. Try to get some sleep." Dimitri says.

I nod but he doesn't see so I step back inside and close the door, locking it. I turn off the TV and listen hard for anything else but it's quiet for two minutes and thirty-eight seconds until footsteps lightly tread outside my door and my heart freezes.

The door across the hall clicks.

I let out a deep breath.

I check my bag again and wish I'd asked Dimitri to give it the once over. I could ask later when we get up. I stuff all the panties into a different compartment so he wouldn't see those.

Then I can't stand it anymore. I yank off Dimitri's shirt and untuck the end of the bandage and start unravelling, the relief not coming quick enough. And then it's like being able to breathe properly for the first time in days. Before the whole material can fall away I scurry into the bathroom, it didn't feel right to be exposed in that big room. I shut the door and lock it, letting the bandages fall to the floor.

My breasts have been so tender recently. I step in front of the mirror expecting to see bruises or some sign as to why but there's nothing. Only that they're bigger. But I'm getting bigger everywhere and my hips or thighs didn't hurt.

Stupid Body.

I touch the soft, achy pudge and wince. It's like kneading a bruise but in a good way. If it got any worse it's going to be so hard to wind myself into the bindings.

I start rubbing the other one too as it seems to be helping.

Natalie hadn't mentioned anything about bra's again since I freaked out although she did make a point in telling me Gossip Girl would showgirls in 'camisoles' and undergarments and I could skip those parts if I wanted. I didn't skip. I actually re-watched those parts when I was alone. It was just… I don't know. Those girls walking around in their underwear or thin silky dress-like nightclothes …they looked …I don't know. They were so confident and weren't ashamed or terrified. Blair waiting in the darkroom lit with candles springs forth in my mind. How she was waiting for Chuck, the same Chuck who had attacked Jenny, and the situation could have gone badly. But it hadn't. She'd almost gotten what she wanted by looking like that, by manipulating him with her body like that…she looked amazing.

And I hated I thought so.

What dignity or sense is there in wearing things like that? Why are they all so fascinated by sex or fighting about it? Tossing around love as a reason but then they all go and hurt each other anyway which isn't love. Sex just seemed to be some…senseless thing that a dark instinct drove. I didn't have that instinct.

But I did…picture…I had imagined myself in the scarlet underwear, the black pantyhose and smiling like the women on the poster I had seen back in Arizona. I had imagined it in those last moments before falling asleep when I could justify dreams tugging me toward nonsensical thoughts.

Then I'd dreamt bizarrely.

But now I'm doing it again. Imagining myself where Blair is, waiting in the dark for someone. Someone I wanted answers from and I was going to use my body like a weapon to get them, a weapon instead of a hindrance. My skin is smooth and silky like Natalie's, my bones don't jut out and someone is moving through the dark bedroom. My hand trails over my thigh, my touch tracing the black material and then crossing over to supple skin. The stranger notices me do it.

I am in control. Powerful. Proud of my body.

The tall, dark shadow approaches the bedside and I deliver Blair's line. He stoops down...

My eyes fly open and stare at myself in utter shock in the mirror, taking in some stranger who is holding her breasts and thinking stupid, insane thoughts. The shock quickly warps to disgust and I turn away. I pull on my sleepshirt reeling, then I realise it's his shirt and quickly take it off again. I race out into the bedroom, the sheer size of it making me feel even more exposed and unnerved, and pull on a different pyjama top.

I turn out all the lights and crawl under the covers as if it can hide what had just happened. No one would ever know, I would never, ever do that or think about it again.

Stupid Body.

I am being stupid, that's all. That's the simple fact of it all. I was projecting things from my life into a TV show, into make-believe. It didn't mean anything. It was silly. I wouldn't do it again.

So why is it trying to play in my mind like a new episode, a re-written episode?

I clench my legs together and roll onto my side, burying my head into the pillow. I couldn't think like this.

The idea of him knowing I'd thought that not that he'd ever know, fills me with a mix of shame and guilt.

I would think of… I would think of… my mother. My mother would be ashamed of me, more ashamed than I am of myself. She would slap me. She would keep slapping me. Or she would turn away from me and never turn back.

I would never think like that again.

I grip the pillow and for once I'm more terrified of myself than anything else.

I wake up to pounding and for one wild moment, I think Ben's banging Spiridon's head off the wall outside.

"Rose." Dimitri barks through the door. "Are you awake?"

Before I can answer it he's hammering again and I fall out of bed trying to get up. I kick away the sheet and scramble for the door, trying to call out some answer which is basically 'what' and 'yes' tumbling out of my mouth.

I pull back the lock and pull open the door. Dimitri glares down at me fully dressed and with his long coat on over the top of his dark clothes.

My heart stops as I remember what I did last night and wonder if he somehow knew.

"Didn't you set your alarm?" He demands.

"I –" I had. I'd set it ten minutes earlier than he'd told me to so I could hit the snooze knowing that it would wake me up at the right time.

"You have five minutes to get dressed and be downstairs." He says and then nods over my shoulder. "Do you need anything from your bag?"

I shake my head without even thinking the question through. He is too much of a Guardian right now and I am very much not awake.

He slides past me and snatches up the bag. "Four minutes, thirty seconds." He strides back and closes the door behind him.

I stand dumbly for a moment and then I tear into the bathroom, snatching up my laid out outfit on the way. Four minutes? I look from the clothes I'm holding to the bandages on the countertop. I needed more time.

My mouth judders as I inhale.

I look back down at my clothes. I'm going to be wearing a shirt and a cable knit jumper. That would hide it and I could keep my jacket on until I got some privacy.

Three minutes.

I take a deep breath and then I yank my shirt over my head.

When I'm dressed I dash out of the bathroom and pull my shoes out from under the bed and slip them on. A serrated edge scratches my hand and I pull out the bag of marshmallows I'd hidden under there. Bens. I had forgotten about them and hid them there so Natalie wouldn't eat them. I tuck them under my arm and fly out of the room.

Dimitri's standing by the open front door with his wrist held up, eyes on his watch. I can hear the others outside getting into the cars. I hit the foyer and cross my arms over my chest.

His eyes lift from his watch. "Twenty seconds to spare."

"Until what?" I grumble, sleep still fogging my head.

My eyes are stinging. I hadn't been able to sleep for ages and my heart does a flip as I remember why and I refuse to look back up at him.

"Until I came to throw you over my shoulder. No matter what state you were in." He says flatly and flicks his hand at the door.

I scurry out with him a hairsbreadth behind me, trying to work out if that was a serious threat or not.

Two of the car's doors are open. Victor and Spiridon are in one and Ben was in the other. I choose Ben's car and wait for someone to tell me otherwise. But Dimitri doesn't say anything as I climb into the back and Ben looks at me from the driver's seat.

"I could pretend I'm not flattered that you chose to ride with me but..."

The sleep daze is ebbing from my head. "But you are?"

"Hell yeah. Seatbelt on."

I grin, pulling the belt across me, glad of my choice. He's in a better mood than last night. Maybe they had sorted it out or maybe they hadn't and that's why there are two cars.

"Here." I proffer the bag of marshmallows and Ben takes them.

"Did you save these?" He grins.

"Yes."

"Cheers. In fact, I have something for you too." He says, picking something up from the passenger seat where he puts the candy down. He passes a fan of glossy papers back. A rich, white building is the picture on the first one. "From Court. I thought you'd like them. They're leaflets about hotspots, the most historical parts."

I look up from the paper, which now felt strangely delicate. "These are from Court? The Moroi Court?"

The other car's engine purrs faintly and it drives forward. The seat beneath me quivers as Ben starts ours.

"Thought it might interest you."

I grin and put them in my lap. "They do. Thank you so much."

There's a popping noise and Ben tosses a marshmallow into his mouth. "Likewise. Thought these were lost to the sleepover party. So, ready to see more of the world?"

"I think I am." I murmur and open the first leaflet up.

Updated: 16/04/2022 - this...made me cringe.

Yes updates are terrible, yes I know.

Again I am NOT abandoning this story. I just don't have as much time as I'd love to write it. I am a third year English student and encase you don't know what that means, it means I have A LOT of reading, writing, research to do as well as writing a dissertation. I also have a job. There's a lot to balance.

But I do thank you. I thank you for staying with Rose and Dimitri

Ps. I also now write for and cover Outlander and the upcoming adaption 'Shadowhunters' where Dom Sherwood (Christian) is playing Jace I really, really hope it's going to be good.

PPS. Very sorry if it doesn't read in a correct syntax… pitfall of having updates so spread out.