RPOV
I wake with a jolt and the darkness confuses my dazed brain. It had seemed so real to be out in the courtyard, in the bright sun with Adrian.
Adrian...
I sit up and rub the sleep from my eyes. Adrian had – was that real? Could that have been real? It had been real. I know it in my bones despite how unrealistic it is. I just do. Adrian had been in my head, he'd gotten into my dreams…had he seen what I'd been dreaming about before? I didn't remember it all clearly but I knew it was about Eddie. I still have the leftover sick feeling in my stomach that I always get when I dream about him.
No – I can't think about that. I never want to remember that day. I shove any wisp of those memories back down into the black.
I get out of the massive bed and flick on the light. There couldn't be much point in getting dressed could there? I check the time on my phone and it tells me it's a little after dawn. Would they even be awake? Maybe I should wait. No – no, I couldn't wait. The itch to tell Victor is under my skin, brushing against my neck like a needlepoint. My hand closes around the door handle but… I can't remember walking across the room. But I have to go tell him, I have to wake him if needs be even though he might get angry.
Oh god, maybe I shouldn't but I have to.
I'm already in the hall before I remember my bandages are back in my own bathroom.
"Yo! Where do you think you're slinking off to?" Spiridon calls, strolling up the hall. He must have just come up the stairs and he's not in his Guardian attire but blue jeans and a grey t-shirt.
"I need to speak to Victor."
"Likely story." I roll my eyes and I would have stormed into the room only I didn't have a key. "Excuse me."
Spiridon shoulders me out of the way and I hear the beep from the door. He strides inside leaving me out in the hall with the door swinging shut in his wake. I slip inside before it can shut, the need to tell Victor everything pushing me forward like wind against my back so I bypass any doubt or insecurity about the situation.
They're all awake and in the living area which isn't really surprising. Victor's reclined on the deep couch with his head resting back and his heavy eyes following Spiridon across the room as he tells him there was nothing 'substantial' to report. Dimitri is sipping coffee and Ben has his laptop balanced on his knees. Ben grins at me briefly but the clicking of his keys doesn't break. Dimitri raises an eyebrow at me and I shake my head.
Victor's room isn't bigger than mine but it is more expensively embellished with a gleam to everything. I wonder was anyone in the suites when the attack happened? The rooms didn't bear any hint of it but now… now I can't help but imagine raked lines in the wood beneath the expensive rugs.
"You're still awake, Rose." I look away from the rug beneath Victor's shiny shoes and into his face. He was smiling, warm, and happy to see me despite the shadows beneath his eyes. I'd completely missed what he and Spiridon had been talking about.
"Caught her creeping down the hallway." Spiridon says, snatching up an apple from the fruit bowl.
"I was not creeping."
"You're right. Creeping is far too graceful when describing what you were doing."
I stab my finger at him. "I'm ignoring you."
He kisses the air and I make a revolted noise and turn to the others. Before anyone can interrupt or Spiridon can make some ridiculous comment to side-track me, I tell Victor everything. I tell him what Adrian told me, skipping the part about how exactly he told me, and making sure to never make eye contact with Dimitri as I do. I was basically confirming everything he'd suspected about Adrian's interest in me and I couldn't exactly wrap this up by starting to defend the part where Adrian had said he'd wanted to be friends.
When I finish I draw a long breath and it's then I notice that Ben's stopped typing and Spiridon's loud munching isn't irritating the air. It's quiet.
Victor's slid forward to the edge of his seat with questions poised on his lips. "When exactly did Adrian try and pry this information from you?"
Oh crap. "Um – earlier tonight he came to my room and asked me to come to a party."
"You were at the party?" Spiridon's voice is full of sheer disbelief. I throw a dirty look at him in response.
"And he came to your room again?"
I make myself look at Dimitri. He'd asked the question levelly, quietly and to everyone else, it would be just a simple question but I'd spent so much time trying to read him. Maybe Ben and Spiridon would notice how his fingers had partially curled, that there was a slight tick in his jaw but neither would see the ultimate tell which is in his eyes. There isn't tension around them, no lines to give him away but inside them is where the truth is. He is very, no doubt about it, pissed.
I'm going to have to warn Adrian somehow.
"He didn't pass me." Spiridon says.
"It was a little while ago." I evade and look directly at Victor. "He didn't have to tell me but he did. He did the right thing."
"And what motivated him to do that I wonder." Victor murmurs to himself and then he stands. "You did well coming to tell me Rose."
Yes, I knew it had been the right thing to do. Just like how I knew the sky was blue and the grass is green. I just wasn't sure how I knew…but it didn't matter. I'd done well and that makes me smile.
"And I didn't tell him a thing about … anything."
"Funny that." I hear Spiridon mutter.
"No, you couldn't." Victor says but again to himself. "I'm sure of it."
"It's not really that surprising that Nathan's tried to make this play." Dimitri says and I avoid looking at him because even though he had been right it didn't mean I had to acknowledge it. "But I can't see him behind making Adrian confess to it."
"Trapdoor?" Ben says. "Gain her trust and also make her curious. Hope that it makes her try to snoop into things and the only person able to shed light is him?"
"Not that that could happen anyway." Spiridon says, taking a bottle of water from the fridge.
"Because I wouldn't tell."
"Of course not." He says sweetly.
I stare at him trying to work out the double meaning behind his words or if he's trying to make me paranoid. His face gets more irritating the longer I look at it.
Dimitri sits forward, his fingers threading together between his knees. "Say Adrian is telling the truth it could mean a rift between him and Nathan. We could dig into it, use it."
"Possibly." Victor murmurs still pacing. "What I'm more concerned about is who he might have watching me."
"It could be circumstance." Ben says. "If they were coming back from Greece they could have gotten word when waiting on a connecting flight. As soon as we arrived it would have been all over the Guardian network and back at Court within minutes."
"Possibly."
"Most probable in my opinion." Spiridon says.
"Although he did enquire about a 'vigilante group'." Dimitri says.
"Yeah but so did Nathan and Levandi told him it was 'nonsense'." Spiridon replies. "Tanner had reported to him that a student or two were spreading rumours and he had dealt with it. Nathan got no further than Adrian did."
"And I'm fairly certain he's satisfied with that." Victor says coming to a standstill. "Nathan couldn't imagine anything worse than Moroi and Dhampirs working together and putting up a fight. A silly rumour is what he wanted to be confirmed and Levandi did just that."
"The vigilante group is The Circle, isn't it?" They all look at me but I refuse to be crushed. "The one you're looking for."
"Yes, yes it is." Victor answers.
"But Adrian and his father don't know that?"
"They don't know much of anything." Spiridon answers. "And neither do you depending on who you're talking to."
"What?"
"Spiridon." Victor warns.
Spiridon holds up his hands but he's grinning smugly.
"Did you find out anything?" Ben asks him, an edge to his voice. Victor sits back down the line of his face prominent as he thinks.
Somehow sense bats Spiridon over the head as he stands up straight and begins telling us about his night. It seemed Adrian wasn't the only one snooping around for information as Spiridon had been in the Guardian's quarters trying to learn a few things. What he'd learned was the surplus of Guardians posted here are being paid more than the original ones but it wasn't to last, it was only to get them to stay as some had left after the attack. This part Spiridon had said bitterly and it sent reactions through the other two Guardians' in the room. It wasn't hard to tell that they didn't approve of Guardian's deserting their posts. But how could they entirely blame them? Spiridon moves on to talk about Tanner, the Guardian who had been in charge of all the Guard here and who had…been taken during the attack, and how he been well respected. He'd last been seen trying to rescue a student from two Strigoi in the 'Surr Aed' but had been overwhelmed by three more. No one has tried to save him.
After a small pause, Spiridon lists a 'character profile' on Tanner which basically painted him pretty blank. He was a Blood Master Level 7, whatever the hell that meant, excellent tutor and strategist but wasn't close to anyone. Ben inserts that he has no living family on record.
"Well, that's common." Spiridon remarks in a way that made me feel like having sympathy for Tanner on this count wasn't allowed.
At this point, my mind gets tugged away down a path where I picture the Strigoi woman from the woods with other faceless monsters. I picture Mistress Ozera with her and I try to imagine who they could have that I would fight for and ignore the instinct to flee. Dimitri said the first rule of fighting is trying to avoid it. Tanner hadn't and he was gone, most likely dead or worse.
Was there a moment when Dimitri wanted to leave me? I think no but not because I meant something to him but because I meant something to Victor. And he knew he could beat that Strigoi. That's what I think anyway.
But as mind-numbingly terrifying as she had been I don't think I could run if it was somebody else pinned beneath her. If it were Lissa; kind, thoughtful and quietly hilarious Lissa who was lying on the ground about to have all that taken from her then I couldn't just run away. It would be stupid and futile but I wouldn't leave.
I'd fight like hell.
I come back to the room to hear Spiridon talking about the party in the dorms which had apparently tripled in size. It wasn't hard to picture him there when I thought about it. What with his attitude and stupid hair, he'd fit in perfectly with Astrid and her vermin friend. As if there weren't enough reasons to be glad I had left. If I'd stayed and Spiridon had been there … then maybe I'd know what Adrian meant by drinking in order to cope. The small amount of alcohol I'd drunk had made everything seem easier.
"I saw Adrian there but I didn't get a chance to speak to him and I guess now we know why." Spiridon nods at me.
"So, you could say Rose did a better job than you did." Ben says rubbing his lip to hide his smirk.
Spiridon rolls his eyes. "Adrian kicked a puppy and then apologised and said his daddy made him do it. I could have gotten all that out of him within ten minutes, five with the right scotch."
"The matter of import is that Nathan is going to lengths for the age vote which means he's determined to have it backed." Victor intones as he stares at the carpet. "Who else is in his corner….who he could be bribing. What if I've been too focused on this trip I've neglected my duties at Court."
Dimitri and Ben exchange a look. I feel like I should say something reassuring but what could I say?
I could offer him a coffee.
Spiridon speaks and his voice is concrete with sincerity and missing all sarcasm. It was as close to emotion as I'd ever heard him. "You haven't. What you're doing here is important, big picture."
"If they get that vote into motion and it passes as the law then that affects the big picture."
"It won't come to that." Dimitri says.
"Yeah, the majority won't get behind it and that's not considering the Guardian network. They won't sign off on training sixteen-year-olds for the field." Ben says.
"It would cause chaos." Dimitri adds.
Victor looks at them in turn and I wish I'd chosen somewhere to sit. "What do you think they'd do?"
There's silence until Dimitri lifts his bowed head from over his hands. "They'd initiate a strike."
A strike?
"And would you comply? With the Head Guard of Montana if they told you to withdraw and become passive, would you comply?" Victor's voice is measured.
In the silence, my eyes are drawn to Dimitri's laced fingers and how they've clenched together to bleach his knuckles white.
"No." Spiridon's voice is clear and sharp, his grey eyes locked on Victor with unnerving ferocity. Spiridon didn't get emotional, he didn't get another spectrum outside of mockery and sadism and if he did it felt entirely wrong to be witnessing it.
"You come first." Ben inputs. "You and Natalie are our charges, the network be damned."
Dimitri nods. I'm not really sure how we'd come from the topic of Adrian to here and how that had made the air feel thinner.
"Why would the Guard do that?" I ask in a voice so quiet that it would be missed under the hum of an air-con.
Victor looks up at me and I knew he'd forgotten I was there. Invisible, spare part, not essential to anything. Yup, that's me. "The short of it my dear is that since The Fall Guardian matters are designated by the Guardian's Network, The Guard ultimately. Their own sort of council that oversees employment, rights, education, and funding if they can, all Guardians are registered with them. Most Novices register before they graduate, it helps them locate work for public rotation. It is all very technical but basically, they are the head that voices the body of Guardians in the world, do you understand?"
"Like how Moroi have Court?" I ask.
Victor's nose wrinkles a fraction. "Not exactly but – well that is as close to explaining it as I can manage."
He turns back to the others to ask something but my curiosity has taken hold of my tongue. "And why would they – what is a strike?"
Someone sighs loudly. All the mockery in the world is back on Spiridon's face. "Guardians aren't going validate sending kids out to the slaughter. They'll tell every working qualified Guardian, the ones over eighteen, to stop working. Stop protecting their Moroi, the homes, the schools, the Court – just stop."
"No working Guardians would mean no one protecting anything."
"Exactly." He drawls.
"And that would make them stop the age vote?"
Ben sighs and stretches out his legs. "It would certainly put a spanner in the works."
"But… if no one's protected wouldn't – wouldn't that be a good time for the Strigoi to attack? Good for them I mean not as in a good thing."
"It would be the perfect time." Dimitri confirms quietly.
Spiridon rolls his shoulders. "Well, it's not going to happen. It's too much risk and calling bluffs. The Coalition wouldn't risk that reaction from the Guard and if they did, who's to say the Guard would issue the order and if they did who's to say the majority would listen?" He gestures a hand out to the room. "We wouldn't. Hobbs and Dempsey over at the Dragomir's wouldn't. And do you think Alberta would leave Vladimir's unprotected? Bullshit."
"That said let's do everything we can to avoid finding out, shall we?" Victor murmurs. "I'll ask Eric to keep an ear to the ground and to ask his Guardians also. Start implementing counters."
"At least we know we have the Ozera's vote in our pocket." Ben says rubbing his eyes.
"And the Dragomirs are on the right side." Dimitri adds.
"If Nathan's here to ensure I'm not monopolising Levandi and his ties to Conta then I'll be being watched." Victor pinches the bridge of his nose. "This is going to make our excursion a bit difficult."
"No disrespect boss but I think it's obvious you're not going." Spiridon hops up onto the counter.
"Oh?"
"If you're being watched then it's probably by a bribed security personnel and Ben could flirt with Blake to get access to the control room but that could take days or in his case, weeks, and we don't have that time. You can't be tailed into the forest."
"What do you propose?"
"Me and Belikov will go. Recover what we can and – we'll, deal with it."
"No." Dimitri sits back. "Ben and I will go. If someone's watching Victor then they'll know well enough that you're his close guard and where he goes you go. And where he goes without you it's noticed."
"I am pretty unforgettable." Spiridon says sadly.
Victor runs a hand over his hair. "Are you all in agreement about my staying behind?"
"Yes." Dimitri and Ben say in unison.
"Getting a magic reading was a long shot anyway." Spiridon says.
Victor sighs. "We'll never know. Knowing how closely Nathan is paying attention to me I'd feel better having the excursion over and done with." He turns to Dimitri and Spiridon. "You have until the school day starts. Can you do it?"
"You want us to go now?" Ben asks in disbelief. Beside him, Dimitri's more composed but I can tell he's surprised too.
"Yes. I've been contacted by our source and they want to meet in 72 hours. That would leave us two windows, now or tomorrow day, and I'd prefer now."
"It's cutting it very fine." Dimitri replies carefully.
"The bags are prepared and you know the coordinates." Spiridon counters like they're both being unnecessarily unreasonable. "You're just wasting time."
Dimitri's face turns hard. "I haven't had time to ask about the terrain, the risk of nomads-"
"Do you honestly think nomads will be roaming close with this Guardian surplus? And if they did the spruced-up wards our darling Ben here has overseen would pick them up. Not to mention the nest being wiped out which would scare them off when they got a whiff of it."
A silence falls over the room as Dimitri and Spiridon stare at each other. There's a tick in Dimitri's jaw again.
Ben turns to Victor. "We'll go."
"Dimitri?" Victor asks.
Dimitri's gaze drops from Spiridon's. "Yes, alright."
Instantly everyone's in motion and I'm like a rock in the stream that is bypassed by the current, never knowing the destination and unable to follow.
"I'll cause a diversion for you to get over the wall." Spiridon says as Ben disappears into another room to get 'the equipment'. "How long will it take you?"
"One minute. One and a half tops." Dimitri answers swinging on a jacket and zipping it up to his neck.
"Any longer just cut the cord and land on your feet." Spiridon advises. Dimitri ignores him and takes a rucksack and a belt from Ben who is already wearing one. It doesn't look like a standard belt and my thoughts confirmed when it clicks. Dimitri pulls his jacket down over it.
I wanted to talk to him. I had so many questions but I couldn't bring myself to ask them in front of everyone.
He catches my eye. "Rose, you should go back to your room. I'll come to wake you in the morning."
I try to say something like 'wait', 'are you mad about Adrian?' or 'you better' but nothing comes out.
"Thank you for telling me about Adrian." Victor says, putting a hand on my shoulder and gently steering me toward the door. "You've been very helpful. You don't realise what it means to me. We'll talk over breakfast tomorrow."
"Hang on." Spiridon says loudly and we all stop. His face is pinched in revulsion which quickly turns into glee and of course, he's looking at me. "What the hell did you do to your hair?"
I'd been sent back to my room under the order to get some sleep and despite the stinging in my eyes I can't make myself go to bed. I make some coffee, adding milk and two sugars because unlike Dimitri I'm not sadistic to my taste buds. I curl up on one of the deep couches and check the time again.
I'd heard them leave Victor's room two hours ago with nothing but a murmur and a quiet click of the door. No footsteps or quiet discussion between them. Just two Guardian's slipping away. I didn't know where they were going or if they were likely to run into Strigoi but listening to them I knew it was possible.
It made me too alert to sleep.
What if they ran into Strigoi? What if they didn't come back? What would Victor do?
What would I do without them?
I make a short hiccupping sound that's my body's failed attempt at laughter, a reaction to the twist of events in my life. I care about Guardians. Plural. I'm scared that they could get hurt instead of wishing they would...wishing the hurt would be irreversible.
I sip my coffee and wonder why Dimitri doesn't like it with milk. And what did he think about my hair? I'll ask him if he comes back - when he comes back.
"Fucking Spiridon." I mutter and then put my fingers to my lips.
I had said it earlier, a variation of it and it had been the first time I ever had. I'd heard it before obviously, it was hurled across the berry fields and pummelled into us between punches. I'd heard Spiridon mutter it and Natalie breathe it out when her nail polish chipped. It had made my hair stand on end every time but now? I'd said it so casually earlier.
To Dimitri.
My face heats.
Now I could use it...I'd said as much to Dimitri, acknowledged the freedom of it and nothing bad had happened. He just asked me to not throw it at him again.
I purse my lips and then - "Fuck. F-u-c-k. Hahaha."
Maybe I should try and sleep.
I'm starting to act crazy...or maybe that started when I decided to cut my stupid hair. I'm wearing it in a braid for the rest of my life or until Natalie and Lissa can fix it. I miss them.
I take a deep breath and admit it to myself, I missed Montana. I want my room, I want the routine back, I want Spiridon thundering down the stairs in the morning and Ben telling him to shut up and then we'd watch our programmes. I want Dimitri watching Natalie and Spiridon tease each other over his coffee mug by my side at the stove. I want to go home and be with these people.
I'd wondered before, what it would be like to have a place to miss and now I do.
I pick up Harry Potter and check the time. Two hours fifteen minutes. I settle back against the cushions hoping the coffee keeps me awake until Dimitri comes through the door telling me it's time for breakfast.
I hope it keeps me awake because I don't want Adrian in my head again.
A brief slap to my head rips me out of the dark.
"Wake up. You're drooling and I need you to stop that." Blearily I peer up at Spiridon. Dimitri's book hostage is in his hand. "Up. Now."
"What – ow OW, STOP IT!"
I snatch the book from him in the midst of him slapping me with it and roll off the couch. I manage to clip his shoulder but he dances out of range.
"God, your hair looks even worse today. What did you use, nail scissors?"
I hastily tuck the butchered strayed locks behind my ears, glaring, and wondering if it's worth the book's life to launch it at him. "What do you want?"
"Breakfast is in half an hour and you're dining with Victor and Levandi so get dressed and find a wig…or a hat."
"Why?"
"Because your hair reminds me of the staircase in the Upside Down House."
"What is – no, why am I eating with Victor? Where's Dimitri?"
He hesitates, a small pause in his eyes, it would be missed by people who hadn't spent their lives reading into every gesture, motion, tone, pattern in breath so they didn't end up dead.
"Sleeping. You go running a few miles in the mountains and you'd need to lie down too, especially with how you handle the stairs." He snaps his fingers at me as he walks back to the door. "Hop to."
I stumble after him and get rid of the book so I don't throw it. "Were they okay? Did they run into Strigoi?"
Spiridon's face ignites in annoyance, scrunching up slightly and he shuts the door he'd just opened. "I know you're not the brightest but will you shut your damn mouth. Mention Strigoi or anything to do with last night outside this room or even too close to that door where anyone could hear, you will live to massively regret it."
Forget the book I wish I had a brick to hand. "I wouldn't do that! I only asked –"
"Belikov's your babysitter, not me. Just get dressed." He slips out before I can say another word. The pressure rises from my middle and travels right up until it's red hot in my throat. I let out a frustrated scream and smack the back of the couch.
"Stupid blonde-haired dick." I mutter stomping into the bedroom.
I get the barest bit of satisfaction by being ready and meeting them in the hall, where it's clear he was on his way to fetch me. But it disappears as soon as his grey gaze lifted to my hairline and the corner of his lips twitched.
Breakfast sucks too. The food is nice, different but nice, and again I feel like a spare part that doesn't belong. I don't see why I couldn't have eaten in my room instead of sitting with Victor, Levandi and two other Moroi who don't speak English so all of the conversations is in Estonian. I doubted I would have understood anything if it was in English anyway. Victor makes an effort to talk to me a little when there's a pause and he explains what 'Jätku leiba' means after Levandi toasts his orange juice to the table. It just makes me feel even more out of place because I know he's trying. I would have rather stood at the wall with Spiridon and the other Guardians, I would have understood that.
The black bread is nearly a good enough distraction and I eat four thick slices.
Afterwards, the two Moroi shake Victor's hand vigorously and whatever they had all been talking about has them all smiling and in good spirits. I sneak another slice of the fruity cake and stick my tongue out at Spiridon who's smirking again but making a show of staring at the opposite wall.
"Rose." I turn to Victor. "Mr Levandi is allowing us to observe some classes today whilst they are in session. We have to be discrete, understood?"
When is a question not a question? "Okay."
He smiles but it's not his Natalie smile or the smile when he watches the boys bicker. It's different. It's charming and bright, a great smile but it's not his real one. I realize it's his work smile. It works for him because you trust it.
Levandi comes over to us, sliding on his navy blazer with the gold lions on the breast pocket. "I am thinking we start outside and work our way back in. Fourth-year novice training is resuming in the Grand Garden. It's a pity Guardian Belikov isn't accompanying us considering his ideas are being given trial."
"It is isn't it?" Victor remarks as Spiridon pulls the door open. "I'll make sure to inform him about everything later. And then Spiridon can retell him properly with the correct terminology."
They laugh and lead the way into the hall.
Spiridon tries to trip me as I pass. I kick him in the shin and laugh when he flinches.
Sweat trickles down my spine and I roll my shoulders. I hate this classroom. I hate the heat inside. I hate that there are numbers on a giant white screen and I can't understand the teacher because I don't speak Estonian. I wished we were back outside where it's not much cooler but at least there's a breeze. The funny thing is two months ago this heat wouldn't be anything, it would be mild compared to what I had been used to but now, now I want to unzip my skin and get out of it. At least outside watching the Dhampirs train was distracting.
It was amazing.
The room drops into silence and I realise the teacher must have asked a question. None of the students raises a hand but on my right, Victor holds up a palm. The teacher grins and heads turn, and my heartbeat grows like thunder in my ears. They were all staring with their curious eyes, drinking us in now they have free reign to, instead of whispering and sneaking looks.
I don't hear Victor speak but watch as one by one the students turn back around. Except for one boy. He's looking at me and I stare back too aware my face is being warped by confusion and heat. He grins and looks away. Is my hair that bad? I touch my braid and look at Spiridon but he's not smirking for once. Instead, he looks like a pissed off statue.
After the class ends Levandi announces it's lunchtime. I expect to be trailing them to another private room or back to our own but we end up following the stream of students into a large hall filled with tables. Students are sitting at them laughing and chatting freely or turning to give us more looks. There seemed to be a kitchen to the right with students queuing up and being passed hot food over the counter. There's also a salad bar, an open refrigerator stocked with drinks and fruit, and a machine with students hovering excitedly around it because it's dripping – no it couldn't be.
"Is that ice cream?" I hear myself say.
Levandi laughs. "Like a shark to blood are teenagers to it. Yes, we very rarely use it but as now is as good time as any. Madagascan vanilla and white chocolate I believe it is today and I suspect it will only be for a short time. I will ask someone to supervise it. Come, we are dining over here with the faculty and the chef has organised a personal menu."
"You needn't have gone to so much trouble." I hear Victor say as we follow Levandi to the far side of the hall. I keep one eye on the ice cream until I catch sight of the table we're being led to. A mixture of Moroi and Dhampirs, twelve of them, watching us approach with expectant expressions.
Victor touches my shoulder. "Rose, you can go and get dessert first if you wish. Skip the introductions."
I don't need to be asked twice, I bolt. Walking across the room I wonder if I was excused because it would be difficult to explain who I was or because I would likely vomit from so many eyes on me, asking me things. I draw up short from the ice-cream queue as I realise something vital. I don't have a bowl.
"You could always stick your head under it. Sexy – or potential for pregnancy rumours but hey, this place could use some good news."
I inhale before turning around. "Why can't you manage a simple 'hello'?"
Adrian grins and the smell of cloves hangs heavy on him. He's dressed down today, simple grey trousers and a polo shirt. "Dramatic flare. I might make theatre my major in college."
"Can you dramatically find me a bowl?"
He makes a show of pushing his hair back and I snort. "Anything for the lady." And I watch in half amusement and half horror as he struts up to the open kitchen counter and snatches up two bowls from behind it. A woman in a hairnet scowls and points her spatula at him. He blows her a kiss and her hard face turns slack.
People are looking at him. How could he not care people are looking at him and laughing. How does he thrive off it? I resist moving away as he comes back and holds the bowl out to me.
"Dramatic enough?"
"You are ridiculous." I whisper.
"You love it." I scrunch up my face and he laughs. "Come on, let's get some before they bleed it dry."
We join the loose queue and I try to ignore the mixed whispers around us. Adrian doesn't seem to notice at all but he is fidgeting with his hand I recognise the metal glint of his lighter.
"I figure your brother can't kick my ass in the cafeteria for talking to you." He says with a nervous grin.
"He's not here right now."
Adrian nods over my shoulder. "Yes, he is." I look back and beyond the table where the teachers and Victor are chatting Ben is now standing beside Spiridon. I scan the busy room for the other Guardians but no immobile sentry matches who I'm looking for. "How…how did Victor react?"
"Um." My mind becomes a vague place with Victor's voice and Dimitri's I-told-you-so-eyes. I turn back to him trying to remember. "He wasn't really surprised. He was happy you told me though."
Adrian snorts as we shuffle up the line. "He's happy you told him not that I told you. I'm the snake that blabbed." He turns to me looking unusually worried. "Is he going to tell my dad he knows?"
Real fear is a strange and unnerving thing to see in Adrian's eyes. It almost distracts me from wondering why his questions are so hard to answer. "No, no I don't think so. He's just going to be more careful."
We get to the front and Adrian pulls the leaver. Ice cream starts falling in a thick stream. I could just imagine Natalie getting one of these for the house… then I probably would stick my head under it. Adrian swaps his full bowl for my empty one. I thank him and step out of the queue, almost bypassing the toppings and sauces, almost.
"I'm sorry." Adrian murmurs as I shovel up chocolate sprinkles. "Truly. Last night I –"
"We've done this Adrian." I pump out some caramel syrup, just a little bit, for variety. "You told me, you said sorry, I got mad, you said sorry again, I told Victor the truth and it's done. It's done."
"Were you on an Amish diet or something?" Adrian looks down at my bowl with an expression that I find personally offensive.
"I'll eat everything I want to thank you very much."
"A bowl of diabetes is what you have."
"Sounds yummy."
He pumps a mere drop of strawberry sauce onto his and we begin walking back to the table. I take a spoon from Adrian's proffered hand and start to bury my anxiety in ice cream.
"This should be fun." He mutters. "See that man with the retro moustache? Opposite Victor. That's my father, Nathan Ivashkov."
The ice cream gets stuck in my throat and begins to burn ice-cold. Adrian pats between my shoulder blades.
We're a few tables shy of the one hosting all the teachers, set apart by its decoration. The space allows me to analyse the man Adrian had indicated, his father, who looks nothing like him and for that, I'm somewhat grateful. I disliked him and I didn't want there to be any physical trace of Adrian in a man I disliked. Even though I didn't know how much I actually liked Adrian right now. I thought I'd still be angry or hurt or upset but I actually felt a little detached. I didn't want what I had wanted yesterday, for him to like me and want to be my friend. I don't care as much.
I didn't trust Adrian but I wasn't mad. In a way, it was a lesson, another reminder to not forget where I came from and what I had been taught. I couldn't trust anyone, I had to be cautious, everyone had motivations for themselves and sometimes I was a tool to them. I was after all just a pawn to Victor.
Is that all I am or is it just a part of it? I didn't know anymore.
Well you should know better.
My mother's voice lingers in my head so I don't realise right away that Adrian has pulled out a chair for me. I mutter thanks and sit down and he slides into the last seat beside me. We were at the end of the table and the centre point of conversation is directed to the middle, where Victor, Levandi and Adrian's father are. No one acknowledges us. Adrian taps a plastic sheet on the table and I pick it up, keeping my spoon in my mouth.
"Are you ordering dessert?" Adrian asks. I nod, the stem of the spoon tapping my bowl. "Thought as much."
I take out the spoon. "I don't know what half of this is."
He doesn't mock me or look pitying as Spiridon would. I'd spent ear too much time with him on this stupid trip.
"Do you want me to order for you?"
I nod and pop another spoonful into my mouth. I sneak looks at the people at the table, speaking in a mixture of Estonian and English, and at Ben. Spiridon says something to him and he tilts his head to answer. My teeth clamp down on the metal as I take in the bruise flecked with small cuts on the right side of his face. He catches my eye and winks before resuming his statue impression.
"Unfortunately Nathan I'm departing in a few ours. Duty calls me back, as does my daughter who gets anxious when I'm away too long." Victor's voice carries down. "And I need to reassure our people at Court of the school and how well it's doing."
There's a mixed response at the table. The majority of the Moroi teachers are nodding but the few Dhampirs at the table deliberately look away or sip their drinks. I think about Victor's words and look behind me at the small sea of students. Some looked normal, chatting and laughing but others… one boy is sitting alone and staring into space. His food is untouched and he's pale, sickly pale not Moroi pale. His shirt collar hangs like a noose around his neck and I wonder when he last ate, what stops him from eating now. He couldn't be older than thirteen.
"Will you be back in time for the Founders Ball?" Adrian's father asks as Adrian speaks in quick Estonian to a girl holding a notepad.
"Oh, yes." Victor answers with his work smile. "And what about you, Adrian? Aren't you cutting it pretty fine with the semester about to start?"
As the majority of the table's attention relocates to our corner I immediately stare down at my empty bowl like it's the most fascinating thing I have ever seen. If Adrian wasn't so used to people's attention, then my reaction next to him would make it seem so, however, no one but me could see his fist clenched under the table.
"I-" Adrian begins but is immediately drowned out by his father's voice.
"Adrian was given a short extension to decide between Politics or International Business for his major. You can understand how hard that decision would be."
"Both strong choices. Both require a lot of dedication." Levandi says and he sounds impressed.
"Quite. And what did you decide?" Victor asks.
"International Business." Adrian's father answers. "Adrian decided this was the smartest choice. The most stable and ensures a future, considering my brother will be a great mentor when he graduates."
"I'm sure Randall will, providing that is what Adrian decides to pursue after three years of study."
Both Adrian's hands are clenched now and I peek up at his father. His pleasant expression is in almost critical condition as he stares across the table.
"Why wouldn't he?"
Victor lets out a light laugh. "Life is what happens when you're planning, isn't that the saying? But it is a sensible plan." He leans forward to look down the table. "I wish you all the best Adrian."
"Thank you." Adrian says, answering for himself for the first time.
I think I now understood what he had been talking about last night…in the dream, about everything being decided for him.
Servers arrive with steaming plates and I can't look at the boy who puts down my plate. I know it isn't the same but I can't help but feel guilty like I had taken a seat at the Ozera's table and Meredith was waiting on me.
I steer my mind away to something else as I lift my knife and fork. I peek up at Ben's cuts and bruises and suppress the urge to leave my seat and question him.
Where was Dimitri? The need to know is burning under my skin. If he'd been hurt...or if something worse had happened we wouldn't still be sitting at dinner, would we?
"How does it work?"
It comes out so abrupt that Adrian starts but recovers quickly.
"Well, I think they just cook some meat and potatoes and stuff it in some pastry to bake."
I roll my eyes. "You know what I meant."
He leans toward me and I tense as his breath brushes my ear. "Yes, but I don't want the whole table too also."
I look at the others and then at him. "I think you could catch fire and they wouldn't notice."
There's a yellow, almost gold ring around his pupils. "That's just a comment on how extraordinarily hot I am already."
I resist pulling back because it would only give him the satisfaction. "Should I throw water over you?"
"Usually girls wait at least to the main course to do that but that's because I've lost interest and have started flirting with the waitress."
I roll my eyes so hard I'm surprised they don't fall out. He chuckles and I stab my pie so the steam puffs out.
"If I go missing it's because your brothers killed me and flung me over the wall."
"What?" I mutter and examine my forkful. I don't think it's fish so I take a small nibble.
"He was glaring at me. He must think we're flirting."
"I don't know how to flirt and he knows that."
"What happened to his face?"
"What happened in the dream?"
His game face drops. The cocky grin becomes a humble twitch of the lips. Yeah, I'm learning to play these games.
"Didn't we go over this?" He murmurs.
"So it was real?"
"How the hell else would I know what you're talking about?"
"Oh I'm sorry but it's not exactly a normal thing is it? … I mean, is it?"
He looks over my shoulder to make sure no one is listening which I knew they weren't. I knew they were more interested in Lavandi's plans for the coming semester and how to ensure students see out the year.
"No. No, it isn't."
"Then how can you do it?"
He looks straight at me and then shrugs. "I just always could. When I was little I thought other people might be able to. I didn't know anyone but I just thought it was rare. And I thought my family knew I could do it. I'd walk into their dreams and then ask the next day about what they dreamt about. Mostly my mother or my aunt and when I got older I realised they didn't actually believe in it. They just thought it was a very lucid dream. I asked my Aunt once, inside one, I asked her if she'd known anyone who could do the same thing and she…" His lips press together and his fork ravages through his food. It had been so nicely presented and now it looked like it had been through a blender.
"She what?" I urge, feeling like I was pressing down on something that might just pop.
His lip pulls upward, more of a grimace than a smile. "She said the Mad King used to talk about dream walking. I stopped asking then."
'We put faith in a crown and were blind to the fool who wore it.' Lissa's grandfather's words burn in my mind and I itch to have the leaflet in my hand but it was safely tucked away in my bag back in the room.
"Someone has to know." I think about how I could ask Dimitri without having to tell him or avoid him turning the questions around on me. Now that would be tricky. Impatiently I look around at everyone's plates and wished they'd be done. "How it works. It's just more Moroi magic but … rare."
"Or I'm just as special as I've always believed." He says and the bitterness in his voice causes a pang to go through my stomach. I remember how he looked in the dream last night and how I could see the ghost of it on his expression now. He's so alone and in a way.
I couldn't make myself touch him, not even a hand on his shoulder but I could tell him the truth, "I'm not going to tell anybody."
He smiles a little. "They'd only think you were mad if you did. Oh, my biggest fan just walked in."
I follow his gaze and the heat under my skin blazes and nearly sends me out of my seat. Dimitri strides across the room with his chin up and looking purposeful ahead as he walks in our direction. I quickly examine his face and besides a small scrape on his temple he looks completely fine but I can't help but feel like something is wrong. Like he's trying too hard to look like everything's okay but I could just be paranoid, overthinking because of Ben's face and having no idea what they'd run into but knowing in my gut it was awful.
He sails past our table like a ghost and takes position at Ben's other side. He doesn't acknowledge anybody and he doesn't look this way no matter how much I will him to.
"How likely is it I'm going to wake up in a room lit by one swinging light bulb, tied to a chair, with Goliath and your brother bearing down on me?"
"You have a very overactive imagination." My mother's words come easily which is surprising.
He grins and for the first time today, it looks real. "It gets me through the day."
"What's our dessert?" A girl takes my plate and I try to convey 'thank you' through a smile but I don't think I get it right.
"Häbelik taluneiu." Adrian says. "It's a rye bread and cream pudding."
"More bread? Are you joking?"
After the bread pudding, which was delicious and nothing like American bread or the bread from breakfast, comes multiple different teas and coffee, tarts and biscuits. How could there be so much more food? I never thought I'd be in a position where I'd be wishing the food would stop coming. I wanted to go back to the room. I wanted to speak to Dimitri and to Ben, to make sure he'd treated those cuts properly, and I wanted away from Adrian. Through the desert, he'd gotten more fidgety and with that more talkative so much so that he didn't leave any room for me to reply before he was on to another topic. By the time the adults had consented for the servers to start clearing away the cups and cakes, I wanted to stab Adrian's bouncing knee with my fork. I settle for eating another strawberry tart and snatching three more to wrap up in napkins.
"Preparing for winter? It will be getting colder soon, especially in Montana and I think it's fair to say you need a little more padding. I know it's rude to comment on a lady's weight but I always assumed that was when you were calling them fat but maybe it applied both ways. Apologies. Do you like snow?" And so Adrian goes on and on and on.
Seats slide back and the Guardians step away from the wall as our party begin to stand. Thank God. I suppress a groan as I hear Victor ask Adrian's father if he's interested in stepping in on the next class with us, weren't we done with the classes? The only one that seemed to provide anything interesting is the Dhampir's training, the others are a bunch of people listening to another person tell them something they could probably read from the books they had open. Then again I didn't actually know what the teachers were saying because they weren't speaking English but still.
An agitated metallic clicking comes from Adrian's hand. The knee bouncing had been swapped for fiddling with his lighter.
"No, no we can't unfortunately. We're leaving tonight for the States. As you know Adrian has to get ready for College and I have my own matters to attend to." Mr Ivashkov answers. He turns to Levandi and instantly his tone is warmer. "I apologise our stay hasn't been long but I look forward to seeing what you do with my donation. This visit, well this visit has been humbling, to say the least. I admire your work and your dedication here, Alar. You're an example to us, to my son, we can only learn from you."
Mr Levandi's abashed expression recovers and he thanks him.
I round on Adrian. "You didn't tell me you were leaving."
He's stopped fidgeting and his pretty face bares a hint of anger. "Because this is the first I've heard."
"Adrian, come." Mr Ivashkov calls as the group begins to break up.
"Quick." Adrian says, pulling out his phone. "Give me your number."
"I, um, I don't have my phone." I say, patting my pockets to make sure. I hadn't lifted it this morning because I was too hell-bent on getting ready before Spiridon could come back.
He opens his mouth but something catches his eye and he shuts it again. Warmth presses against my arm before a hand touches my elbow.
"Rose, we're leaving." Dimitri says. It feels like it's been so long since I've heard his voice and something inside me relaxes. His dark eyes turn flick to Adrian, opaque and unyielding. He's not in a good mood. "Adrian, your father is waiting."
"He doesn't wait for anybody." Adrian returns bluntly, pocketing his phone.
"So catch up." Dimitri snaps.
Adrian raises an eyebrow and whatever had relaxed inside me coils up again. "Anxious to be rid of us? It's a good thing he no longer thinks there's any reason to stay." His gaze turns to me and gone is the boy who'd I had spent the last hour with and in his place is an arrogant Moroi. "I'll talk to you soon. One way or the other."
He casts Dimitri one last look that makes me worry for his safety before walking away.
"Where have you been?" I demand turning to Dimitri.
I hadn't noticed the dark smudges under his eyes and up close the cut looks deeper than I'd previously thought.
He doesn't falter. "Resting."
I try not to take it personally that his tone is clipped and I try to match his stride as we head toward our group at the door, estimating his gait won't leave us much time for me to ask questions. I hope that isn't the point.
"That's a lie. You look like you haven't slept at all!" I whisper to him
"If that's what it looks like so be it." He responds deadpan.
People are being impossible today. First Spiridon, then sitting through all those classes, then Adrian and his almost exhausting chatter and now Dimitri, who's acting as friendly as a glove made of barbed wire.
I give it one last shot. "I saved you a strawberry tart."
"Serving your stomach is not how all of us appease our problems." He says with more ice in his voice than I'd been prepared for. It stops me in my tracks so he strides on ahead leaving me in the large empty room.
*48 hours later.*
"Dimitri! Dimitri, please."
The hand holding a fistful of his cowboy coat begins to shake as I listen. His shallow breathing fills up my ears so I almost miss the sound of boots scraping against the ground outside the door. There's someone outside, I knew it.
I lean in closer and touch his face with my other hand. The one holding his jacket is beginning to lock and I didn't know how to make it unclench. I shake him slightly and my whisper is strained. "Dimitri, please. Please they're here."
Is there any point in whispering? Would it be better to scream and let the world know or at least hope someone in another room hears and might help us?
I slap his cheek and my other hand shakes his coat but his body moves lazily, unaware, unresponsive. His eyes remain closed and in the dim light of the motel room, his skin looks pale. Miles away from the sun-bronzed colour I was used to.
It's all starting to thunder through my head. The fear, my heartbeat, his breathing, the shaking in my hands and when something raps against the door. I scream. The sound unlocks my hands, somehow, and I scrabble up for the gun he'd left on the bed. It feels stupid in my hand, like a toy, like a very heavy toy. I point it at the door where the banging has stopped and has been replaced by short heavy thuds, a body or a boot beating against the wood.
The gun is hot and sticky between my hands. Blood. Dimitri's blood on my hands. He'd told me to run away. He'd told me it was the first rule of staying alive.
The door explodes inwards.
Updated 17/02/2022