RPOV - One month later

The worst noise in the world cuts through my dream. Ripping me away from a sort of confrontation with Monica Geller and Serena Van Der Woodsen. I grope the covers for my phone and knock it off. Before I can think about how nice it would be to pull the covers over my head I kick them aside and step into my routine.

It's 4:30 pm, and the sun doesn't set for another half an hour which means I have an hour or two before the rest of the house stirs. I pull off Dimitri's shirt and head to the bathroom. I bind myself into the bandages, pull on my running clothes, and rake the brush through my hair... I can't help at being a little satisfied with how I look in the mirror. I'd put on weight, I'd been adamant too, shovelling that vile oatmeal into me every morning and every night before bed. The first few days I'd woken up feeling bloated and sluggish but my body was starting to adapt to it.

My hair is still a mess and when Natalie finally sees it she's going to flip. She's calling me later, the kind where I can see her on the screen, and I can only hope she's too focused on telling me her 'plan' for the party that she doesn't notice. Or I can pretend I don't know how to work the camera...but that might make her mad.

I pull my hair up into a ponytail, trying to ignore the random blunt pieces sticking out, and focus on being thankful that Natalie's plans involve glitter and balloons. Not guns and planes.

She nor Lissa had been home this past month and whilst that had been disappointing I understood. This is their final year in school and I could grasp that meant everything was more important, that they had more schoolwork and more tests to do. I knew they were busy, I also knew they had other friends they hadn't seen in months to spend time with. I still spoke to them most days so it wasn't all bad.

I think, in a way, it had been good for me. The first few months when I got here I leaned on them, their presence and got so used to them being around. These past few weeks had reminded me I can't rely on anyone like that, that I shouldn't. That there is a difference between missing someone's company and needing it. I'd adjusted to being alone again, to having only myself for company and it hadn't as been as lonely as I remembered. I feel like that's a good thing, that I'd gotten stronger in some way.

I'd had more free time to read, that was a plus. Reading explained relationships way better than those teen drama's did and when I told Natalie as much she snorted.

I pad across the room and take the door handle gently, listening for any signs someone could be awake but there's not a sound. I slip into the hallway and like every evening I'm confronted by Dimitri's closed door. I can't keep my eyes off it as I move to the top stair and hesitate like I do every day. It's strange the door is a living thing to me now, I have to acknowledge it and feel wrong if I don't, conscious that it's looking back. This proves there is something wrong with me...adds to the list of the things that are wrong with me.

What are you going to do? Knock? Move, Rose.

I take the stairs two at a time.

The glass wall is clearing to show the garden as the light recedes. I missed spending time out there but unfortunately, a glass wall didn't allow for much privacy and the house had been too busy this past month. I couldn't settle and enjoy it...and I also could admit to myself that I would think about Dimitri out there. The time we exchanged questions and then I would think too much.

I breeze past the living room, all perfectly polished and pristine like I'd left it. It was a mess when the Alchemists cleared out. They didn't care to put furniture back or clear up their discarded utensils. Nothing Alchemist made had been left behind but discarded bags full of soiled gloves and syringes. I found that strange because they seemed like such proud people.

I flick the coffee pot on and pre-heat the oven to a low temperature before sliding on my coat and stepping out the back door. I have just under two hours to do as many laps as possible. Walking, jogging, sometimes running. It's late October and the Montana summer is gone. It's chilly all the time but on some rare occasions when the sun cuts through the trees and the wind stills it feels almost warm.

Nothing like Arizona heat.

I set off toward the forest path.

The world's fallen under the navy blanket and the wards light my way. The house comes into view for the third time. Three laps. Despite the cool breeze, I'm sweating buckets and it still amazes me Dimitri could run this without stopping...but that's the goal I'm working toward. A month I'd been at this and I can only manage half of a lap running and that was on a good day.

I had no one to tell me how I could be doing it better or if I was doing it wrong. There weren't any easy answers on the internet so I had to rely on how I was feeling. And how I was more energetic, more alert, and even during the hardest runs, I was elated that I was doing it. That I could do it and it wasn't because I was being chased, either by something or the fear of something. Sometimes...sometimes I felt a glimmer of something old, a memory of joy latched to the movement with Eddie's voice whispering on the wind.

I consider the house in the distance and the thought of breakfast...well if you want something bad enough. I start jogging and then pick up the pace. My legs are like lead but I have everything I need to keep me moving forward. How I lagged on the airfield, how I couldn't make it up the ramp and how Dimitri had to haul me down the fire escape in the Estonian mall. I didn't want to be a liability and if I'm ever going to be on my own I needed to at least be able to run like hell.

I reach the back door with ice replacing my lungs and try not to lean all my weight onto the handle. I remind myself it's a massive improvement from the first day when I had to sit down halfway through my second lap and then pathetically stumble back drenched in sweat. That was a bad day for a few reasons, my physical state being the second and the first being she was waiting for me.

I slip into the kitchen, still taking care to be quiet, to listen as I wipe my feet. It's a relief, like every time now, to find the space empty. I hang up my coat as the irritation cackles in my blood and I'm unable to keep the memory from playing back to me.

After Estonia, I slept for two straight days and didn't leave my room until the fourth day. Not even for food. I had cookies hidden in my drawer, water in the tap, and a locked door between me and her, so I had everything I needed.

The house had sounded busy with footsteps and voices, intimidating noises that had me taking long deep breaths and painfully reminding me that if I crawled under the bed Dimitri wouldn't be able to reassure me it was safe. Because he couldn't because he wasn't safe and those people were here to help him. That's what kept me from crawling under the bed. But if the Alchemists were still here then that meant she was too, and it was a physical reaction to keep myself safely away from her.

But on the fourth day, it was different. The house had gotten quieter and I...started to feel annoyed. Annoyed that I'd hidden, that her presence had pushed me to lock myself in a room after all I had been through and survived. I...had been helpful. I mean, I knew I had also been a thorn in Spiridon's side and he wished he didn't have me to deal with but I had still done things to help. It was the thought of being able to do more that started building the idea in my head so I slipped out with the determination to get stronger on my own. I'd come back from my first attempt at the trail and Natasha Ozera waiting for me in the kitchen.

It was like the world had listened to what I wanted and thrown me a test.

She sat on the island in a soft cream sweater, blue jeans, and brown boots. Her silky ebony hair was swept up into a ponytail, highlighting her angular cheekbones and smaller mouth. She looked effortlessly beautiful, pale blue eyes bright against her hair and pale skin.

I was red, sweaty, and barely standing on my legs which were still too thin. Natasha's legs were slim but shapely and as if she knew, she shifted to cross them slowly, accentuating their length.

I hated her.

"Hello, Rose." Her voice was soft but her gaze still conveyed I was below her.

The silence stretched on until eventually, I replied, "Hello."

Her shoulder relaxed a fraction. "I was hoping I could talk to you for a few minutes."

"Sure." I slid off my coat, cursing again for how awful I must look, how much like the dirty little 'rat' Mistress Ozera had called me.

She's already helped herself to coffee which saves me from having to offer and despite saying she wanted to talk she didn't say anything. I wasn't going to fold for her, if I had to look like a mess then I wasn't going to become the scared mess because of her. I make myself busy with fixing myself a coffee, even though it's still awful, just to have something to do and still, she didn't speak. I flipped open a baking book and pretended to look at the lemon muffin recipe.

She expected me to stand stock still with my head down and wait until she was ready to say what she has to say. But I didn't follow Ozera rules anymore.

"You're going to bake?" She asked.

"Yes." I said slowly, conveying what a stupid question that is. "It's easier to have baked goods ready for when people want to eat."

"Yes." She agrees. She had a stupidly kind voice. "It has been disruptive around here for a few days because of the Alchemists. I wouldn't worry about catering to them – they don't welcome hospitality."

"Oh, I know." I remembered the blonde Alchemist and her disgust, how Keith had looked at Dimitri. "It's that I'll need half a dozen for Spiridon alone."

"Spiridon's not here." I'd stilled and then turned to face her. She looked sympathetic. "He left for Court about thirty minutes ago. My Guardians remain so you don't need to worry about your safety."

He'd left me, left me with her.

The rage rises quickly. "Funny, the last time I was alone with an Ozera, their Guardians didn't care about my safety." She looks away and it feeds that fire. Maybe spending time with Spiridon was good for me. "It was the Ozera's that did the most damage."

"You can't imagine how sorry I am." She says quietly, and then after a few respectful seconds, she straightens her shoulders and lifts her chin. "I don't know if you know this, but I was the one who reached out to Victor and told him of…the situation. I am sorry I didn't do it sooner and it is no excuse, but they are my family."

"Sooner?" I murmured.

"I sat on it for a week or two." Her face pinched in regret and shame. Those glacier eyes begged me to understand, to wither under the empathy dripping from her voice.

"Weeks?"

"Yes. I'm sorry. There were many things-"

"Liar."

It had come out quietly but loaded with all the heat I felt funnelling around my body.

She blinked. "Excuse me?"

My hands were fists by my side but I kept my voice steady, "You knew we were there."

"Rose, I only started to suspect a few weeks prior to Victor's visit when-"

"I've seen you before." I continue, voice still low so it wouldn't shake or tremble but the expression on her face gave me all the courage I needed. "You met my friend Eddie. In the orchard. You met him years ago."

We were told to stay hidden when guests were coming, the bell had rung but Eddie didn't want to listen that day. His curiosity was bursting out of him and it had frightened me. I used to tell myself it was safer if I was with him because I could look out for Guardians or if I told him enough times, we should go back he would. He was the braver one and he called me the smarter one but the truth was... my curiosity was bubbling too. I hadn't done anything I shouldn't have in a long time and I'd made myself not think about what the consequences had been when I had. I had a place I put things I didn't want to remember.

Eddie and I didn't see her coming until it was too late. Eddie pushed me back into the space between two trees, our spot speckled with daisys, and stepped out into her path before we were both discovered.

I couldn't hear what they said. I know it wasn't a lot but I also knew it was the start of what killed him in the end. His curiosity grew bigger than his common sense and warped into anger that our lives were different – even though he could have no idea just how big the world was. How much he was missing out on. He grew angrier at the Guardians for not being able to understand what made them different from us.

I glared at her and she stared back. "You suspected for years."

I expect her to jabber. To make excuses or beg me not to tell Victor. Something that shows what a cowardly person she is and not some sort of hero for ending my suffering. I realised after that's what I'd hoped for...to finally have some power.

But instead, she took a deep breath and considered the steaming cup between her fingers before looking back at me. I'd taken a step back against the counter because there was no shame, only cold fire in her eyes. "Rose, I have no idea what you are talking about."

"What?" It was her. I knew it had been her. She was younger and her hair was different, but I knew it.

Her pitying look was infuriating but that cold fire held me still. "I have never met an Eddie. Is he a friend of yours? Is he…is he still there?"

A part of me longed to launch myself at her, that curling feeling low in my stomach that had me throw myself at Spiridon on that first plane ride. "You met him. He was eleven and blonde like his mother."

That dark place in the depths of myself rattled, memories pressing against the door wanting out.

She pressed her lips together and looked at me with so much pity that it sparked uncertainty in me, made me doubt the past wasn't real and I could be lying.

But I wasn't lying because Eddie had been real and then he wasn't, he was gone. The place in the orchard that was ours was real. Seeing her had been real.

I knew then that she was worse than the Mistress. She was worse than the Master, her brother. She was the worst Ozera because she couldn't admit the truth.

"I don't know what to tell you. Perhaps there was another visitor, or it was a Guardian out of their formal wear? But it was not me."

Liar.

"You're friend, maybe we can help him. I can-"

"He's dead." I was shaking and couldn't hide it, my fire burning out her cold one.

"I am very sorry to hear that."

All I could think were curses over and over, wanted to say them aloud. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

"Besides apologising for my brother and sister-in-law's unforgivable behaviour, I also wanted to thank you." The coolness had retreated from her features and she brushes lint off her knee. "For your assistance in returning Dimitri, he is important to me. I am grateful to you, and to Spiridon for not leaving him behind." I had no words, I could only stare at her. She was grateful? Grateful like we had done what we had with her in mind. "If there is anything I can do for you, just ask." She smiled softly, "I owe you one."

Only one thing held me back and kept my jaw shut, and it was how capable she was of being manipulative. If she could make me doubt how I'd lived, how I remembered my friend, then she could twist anything. Everything she had said, orchestrated with her facial expressions, warns me that if I launched myself at her this would somehow all end up being bad for me.

And I hated her more for it because I was back to being that girl who knew it was better to look at the floor, to not be noticed, and didn't want to be heard.

Dimitri wasn't there to listen to me. He'd believe me...wouldn't he? Without him Victor would only hear her side, a guest attacked in his house when she doing everything to help. When it was her that sent the jet and brought back his two Guardians. What if he didn't believe me either, for those reasons and it could look like...my feelings were driving lies, blaming her for things not directly her fault.

"You owe me one?" I repeated and she smiled again, thinking she had me, that she'd won. But if no one would believe me at least I knew the truth and I wouldn't let her take that, no matter how many times she might try. "Never speak to me again. That's what I want."

I strode past her, keeping my shoulder back and chin up, walking at a normal pace upstairs until I reached my room. I locked the door with my chest rising and falling, flames licking at my skin, and pummelled my pillows even though all i wanted to do was break something.

Now, the kitchen has warmed up nicely and is blissfully quiet. Besides the bedroom I had this is the second place I could relax, fall into not thinking. I wash my hands and forearms before setting to work. Filled croissants, apricot cream, and for something savoury cheese twists with salsa for dipping.

Baked goods had been the perfect solution for the turnover in people in the house. With the boys and Victor I knew set times for meals but Natasha and her Guardians came and went, one staying behind sometimes and I didn't really speak to them. Natasha had honoured my request to stay out of my way and not once had they asked me to cook for them. I knew myself enough to know I'd be tempted to try and give them food poisoning. I wouldn't bother baking anything at all if it weren't for Victor. At least this way it looked like I was trying to look after the people in his home.

In a way I was glad Victor, Ben, and Spiridon weren't here as it would mean having to endure her directly. Somehow Spiridon would pick up on how I felt and he would needle and goad me into an argument.

It annoys me to think, that she thinks, she has control or runs the house with Victor away, that this is hers for the time being. It annoys me more to think that it probably is, she wouldn't be here without an invitation.

I slide the baking trays into the oven and go to shower during the time they need to cook.

Taking the stairs I hear her laughing and it grates like nails running over my brain until I reach the landing and realise she's in his room. And I think…I think I can hear…

Him.

He's awake. He's talking.

My nose is almost pressed against his door when I catch myself. I couldn't barge in there. I couldn't with her around...and even if she wasn't here could I? The faintest sound of his voice trickles through the wood and I lean toward it. Everything in me is straining to open it, just to be sure my mind isn't playing tricks on me. To see him for myself, to speak to him…. and demand to know why the hell he did what he did in Estonia.

He's awake.

A noise behind the door that makes me bolt into my room, shit scared she'd open it and I'd topple into her. That would undo all the work spent actively avoiding each other.

In my room I deliberate texting someone, excited energy zinging about my body and needing to be dispelled. Natalie won't care much, not because she doesn't care but I just don't think she takes it seriously like she expects Guardians to get hurt and to then get better. Spiridon and Ben might know already because she could have called Victor to tell him. And texting Spiridon might be weird because we hadn't talked much since he left, he'd messaged me only once.

"Keep the details to yourself."

I typed out the message 'I miss you too' and then deleted it.

I hadn't thought we'd be better friends or anything after Estonia but I thought maybe it would have gotten a bit better. Maybe it would have if I didn't lock myself away those few days he was still here but now he's gone... the distance widening whatever ground we'd managed to find. Or maybe that's stupid.

Lissa texts me every day but only when she could. She wasn't allowed her phone in class. Natalie rang sometimes but after it became apparent my 'goss' was the same thing every single day it was a bit awkward. She gave me updates though – about people I didn't know and what it was like at school. It made me jealous. They got to spend so much time together and learn things, to be around a ton of Dhampirs training to be Guardians. To be normal...

Those calls had made me even more determined to be prepared for when Dimitri woke because when he did he was going to train me. I was conquering what he told me I had to first, to be fast, durable, and to put on weight.

I am getting there.

And now he's awake.

The nervous energy zings around with no way to dispel it, my legs are too tired to power walk it off and I had to eat. Yes, I had to eat a lot. And shower, god I needed to shower.

I turn on the water, making it almost too hot to stand, and get under the spray with a million things running through my mind, all brought up short by the fact she was the one in there with him. Could I just go knock? Or do I wait until Keith gets here for his daily check?

Wouldn't he want to see me? And know...that I'm okay too? Or is that stupid?

After the days I spent in my room I'd emerged to find the living room back to normal and two alchemists, Keith and the blonde one, rotating between the dining room table and Dimitri's room where they'd moved him. I was able to overhear that they'd put him in an induced coma to allow his body to recover, mainly his heart. Everything else wasn't a massive concern as Dhampirs heal quickly so his pelvis and ribs would be fine. His heart was the problem. Putting him in a coma meant it didn't have to work harder because the rest of his body was in a relaxed state.

As the weeks went on the Alchemists' presence dwindled down to a daily check and it became harder to find out anything.

I'm glad I eavesdropped because when Victor called me (I had two missed calls and voicemail from him whilst I was in my own type of coma) he gave me a more watered-down version of what was happening with Dimitri. He seemed to be more interested in how I was but after having a run-in with Natasha Ozera and then finding out Spiridon had just left me, all could think to say was, 'fine'.

I rub the foam that smells like berried between my hands and over my arms, wondering what Dimitri's talking to her about... wondering if he's telling her how grateful he is. As the first person to speak to him she could be telling him anything. Telling him lies. She could be telling the truth too, that she's the one that got the jet and the Alchemists. That she had the money and power to look after him. She can tell him Spiridon was the one to drive the plans to get us home and my role...the things I did to help are so small they're not worth mentioning.

But I fought in that parking lot, I tried.

I slam the conditioner bottle down.

I take my time getting ready and once my jeans are on, after jumping around a lot to get them up – I'll need new ones soon, and I'm entirely satisfied my bandage lines aren't showing through my shirt I step out into the hall.

She's still in there with him, I can hear the low murmurs of their voices.

Is she sitting by his bed or on the bed with him? Is she lying down beside him as I had in the motel? Is she telling him all the news from Court that she would know because she's Moroi and Royal? Does she notice how long and dark his eyelashes and when his eyes are closed they brush his cheek?

Even more enraged I race down the stairs and into the kitchen where something is definitely burning and find someone has already beat me to it.

"I think we can save some of these." Ethan says with a tense smile and baking tray in hand.

I look at the blackened shapes that were meant to be the cheese twists. "I think, Guardian Moore, saving those is beyond your capabilities."

He looks down. "The stubborn part of me wants to prove you wrong..."

"But?"

"But I can already taste the cheese ash in my mouth."

I wished I could offer cheese ash to Natasha just to see her reaction.

Ethan bins the cheese twists. "How was the run?"

Ethan isn't so bad, him being here means I might talk to someone at least once in the day. The other two Guardians with Natasha stand like statues at their posts or silently make their patrols. I've never seen them relax and I got the impression only Ethan is Natasha's permanent Guardian, the others assigned here for extra protection. There was something warm about Ethan, he reminded me of Ben.

"Still doesn't qualify as a run." I grumble. "But I did three laps instead of two today. I walked all of the last one."

"Better than yesterday."

I shrug and then say "Dimitri's awake."

"I know." I wait for him to offer up some more information but he doesn't.

Great help.

Spiridon had told me to keep the details to myself and I'm sure Dimitri would know to do the same. I can't imagine Natasha wasn't going to ask for details of what had happened but for as little as I know of the world and of Moroi's motives in it, I knew information is power, and at least I had a kernel of it.

There are soft footfalls on the stairs and Ethan straightens up as Natasha breezes into the kitchen. She doesn't look at me. "I need to go to St Vladimir's."

"Is everything okay?" Ethan's voice is sharp but calm. Guardian mode.

Natasha collects her rich plum-coloured coat from the wall, "My nephew decided to set fire to another student. So no, not okay."

"Is the school sending an escort?"

"I wouldn't ask them to do that. You and Croft will take me. Bell can remain here with Dimitri."

"With all due respect Lady Ozera, Bell should come with us. There are more than enough wards here to protect the house but it's a well-known road to the Academy and the risk is too high."

Natasha thinks about it. "Fine. Tell him to hurry."

Ethan pulls out his phone and follows Natasha into the hall. I hear the beep and then the door closes behind them. I watch from the living room window as they get into their sleek car, nothing like the SUVs in our garage but I suspect it's just as robust. Guardian Bell darts out of the treeline and slips into the back seat. The car reverses and disappears down the drive.

I drift back into the kitchen and make two hot chocolates, extra cream, and plate three croissants onto a tray, and start up the stairs before I do something like think and lose my nerve.

I tap the door with my toe.

"Come in."

I use my elbow on the door handle and back into the room praying I don't knock anything over. I'd have no choice but to go lie in the driveway and wait for Ethan to run me over.

"I thought...maybe you'd want some breakfast."

I force myself to look at him. Despite having been asleep for the past few weeks he looks exhausted. Purple smudges are so profound under his eyes like he hadn't found peace wherever his mind had taken him. His hair is longer, skin paler and from what I can see of his naked chest it's still blotted with bruising, and no matter the number of calories they'd pumped into the tubes it's leaner, his cheekbones are sharper.

His eyes are dark depths that make me unsure of my footing.

"I do want but whether I can keep it down or not..."

He doesn't even sound like himself or how I remember but that's probably because he hasn't used his voice in so long. Maybe this was a mistake... I'm not going to be able to make an easy conversation like she can or I'll say stupid things to irritate him.

A few seconds pass. "Well...if you think you're going to throw up tell me and I'll move."

The barest hint of a smile, "Deal."

The nervous energy crackles in my bones

Carefully I place the tray down on the bed and he shifts, trying to push himself further up onto his pillows but the movement puts tension in his jaw. I pretend not to notice the effort it costs him and patiently hold his drink until he settles.

"Thank you." He says quietly, reaching for it.

It's weird. I've waited for so long for him to wake up, wished for it, and played out how our conversation would go. In some scenarios I shout, in some I cry, and even once I imagined him being so apologetic and grateful to me – taking my hands and asking me to forgive him. Just the thought of that now with him in front of me makes me shudder in embarrassment.

The entire time we were trying to get back from Estonia I prayed and bargained that he would wake up and now here we are and I can't think of anything to say.

He lifts the croissant and takes a bite. A low groan escapes him and everything in me stills. I hide my smile behind my hot chocolate. "How...how do you feel?"

His head has fallen back as he chews with his eyes closed.

Maybe he expected me to leave? I mean we weren't exactly having a conversation and he was exhausted and -

"Like I have gone one hundred rounds with Galina and then been dragged behind a car across the country."

"Huh, I thought it would be worse."

The small smile is back and a feeling surges through me, chasing away the awkwardness.

After a few moments, he tries to lift the mug to his lips and winces, the muscles in his arms too pronounced, skin pulled tight.

I'm already reaching for it. "Let me."

"I can-"

"I know you can but it would be a bit stupid that after all this time resting you pull more muscles and are in bed even longer. I need you up as soon as possible because you promised to train me."

My fingers graze his as we trade the weight of the mug and he watches me, his touch cooler than I remember and it strikes me that I do remember. The energy in bones pops like firewood.

"I see. So bringing me food is basically all in your self-interest."

"Basically. What other reason would there be?"

"Kindness? Pity maybe."

"Hmph. I'm not that kind and if I pitied you I'd probably avoid you." Amusement dawns on his face. "You do look awful. Try to eat."

I bring the lip of the ceramic to his mouth and gently tip it. His fingers curl under the mug to guide it with slight pressure and he takes a tentative sip, then drinks deeper. A low guttural noise rumbles from his throat and causes the strangest sensation to run across my lower back. Gently I pull the drink back and he inhales deeply.

"You have to work on your bedside manner." He says after a moment and when he opens his eyes there's warmth there that hadn't been before.

"Get over it." I hear myself say and the smile deepens.

He takes another bite out of the croissant and I avert my eyes. I didn't want to make him self-conscious, I already know this situation can't be easy for him but at the same time...at the same time, I can feel my frustration bubbling.

I watch my foot jiggling and debate saying how I feel, if it's selfish and unwarranted... if it even matters.

I want it to matter.

"You owe me an apology." I say in a rush and lift my gaze to his again. "You left me to deal with Spiridon for more than my two-hour limit."

I'd intended the joke to soften the tone but I don't think it's worked. I couldn't help it – all this time under the daydreaming of him being well, eavesdropping on all the conversations going on in the house, I'd had this slow-building anger. From his behaviour in Estonia that nearly killed him, to telling me to leave him, to telling us to leave him and calling us stupid, the plane situation that I have regular dreams about, from being alone and left behind in this house with her.

In this house where I was supposed to be free – her presence was poisoning it for me.

"Rose." He looks so weak it almost makes me feel guilty but then it's eclipsed as the rage burns brighter. I was angry with him for being hurt, that it had put me on the verge of panic every day. "I don't even know where or how to begin."

"Well, you can start by finishing this and working on getting out of bed. I'm serious about training, Dimitri. You owe it to me."

Those dark eyes had lightened a shade, the faintest glimmer of gold peeking through the brown. They study me and I hope I'm far from that frail, pathetic, small little girl he found in the woods.

"Okay." He agrees.

I nod, something like relief flooding my system, and take a long drink.

"I know Tasha being here must be awkward for you." He says after a minute and I stare at the carpet. "But she's not like her brother. She's been a good friend to me when I've needed one."

"A good friend." I echo.

"Yes. Without her I might be dead – the Alchemist care is because of her."

"Victor would of-"

"No Victor wouldn't of." He says bitterly. "I let him down."

I can't bring myself to believe that Victor wouldn't have sent medical help. Maybe Natasha was just faster to act and Victor had been too busy. However, the dark look on Dimitri's face convinces me he's telling the truth. Victor didn't and wouldn't pay Keith and all the alchemists to be here taking care of him but she did. She's the reason they were waiting for us when we landed and that...how could I expect that not to matter to him?

I let him down.

Was Victor angry with him? If she hadn't gotten the medical care ready then he would have died and I can't believe Victor would want that. Dimitri is his Guardian and that's important, having the best Guardian is important.

It's hard to connect this to the man that helped rescue me and took me into his home but then again… I'm useful to Victor. I'm leverage on the Ozera's.

"And without you and Spiridon, I would certainly be dead too."

Again my gaze snaps to his and the comforting warmth of validation rushes through me, from my stomach to my throat where it promptly hits a wall. He looks genuinely grateful and I can't...I don't know what to say or do.

I stuff the feelings away and force my nose to wrinkle. "Oh wow, you owe Spiridon."

He raises his eyebrows, "Now you pity me?"

"Oh yeah. God knows what he'll demand." I make myself stand. "Natalie is calling me soon. If you need anything just shout across the hall, I'll leave our doors open."

I want to stay even if we don't speak but something in me is too attuned to him and I know how much he's hating this. That no matter how angry I am, how pissed off Spiridon is, how disappointed and frustrated Victor might be – it's nothing to how he's feeling about himself. Being stuck in bed, weak, and relying on others to look after him...how that makes you feel like a burden.

I think of the time he turned to me on the stairs and told me I didn't need to worry about him.

"Also." I turn back and find his expression dimmed, the thinness in his face stark. "We need to fatten you up now so if you think of anything you want me to make let me know."

The sooner he's out of bed then the sooner she won't have to be around.

He gives a stiff nod.

I close his door three-quarters of the way and mine the same. I just have time to get myself curled up on my bed when Natalie calls.

"HAII!"

I put the phone back to my ear. "Hello, Nat."

"How are you?"

"Uh, the same really. Dimitri's awake."

"Oh, that's good."

"Yeah, I even got him to eat something but he's still really weak."

"Hmmmm that's good."

She's not listening so I just cut to the part she's waiting on. "How are you? How's sch-"

"Oooooh my god! Christina Ozera, he's the nephew of the Natasha who's staying at our house, set Logan's blazer on fire – while he was wearing it!"

I make myself respond while processing, "That's – crazy."

"RIGHT! And get this he did it because Logan was being a dick to Lissa. Like, one minute it's all tense and awkward because our teachers trying to get Lissa to focus and specialise and obvs she can't and Logan starts making nasty little comments – he's always had a thing for Liss and she's ALWAYS turned him down – and then I'm trying to get around Ralf to ask when he got diagnosed with little dick syndrome and then BOOM! He's on fire!"

"Is he alright?"

"Oh yeah, he was completely fine. Only his hair was singed but that's because he started thrashing around to throw the blazer off."

I keep my voice level. "Are Christian and Lissa friends?"

"No! I don't think they've ever said two words to each other. He's super quiet. I only ever see him talk to the boys but they all really like him which is really strange because he never speaks. How can you really like someone that never speaks? I tried to ask Ralf about it but he's a boy so he doesn't get it. 'Christians cool' that's all I got."

"Natasha left to go to the school."

"Yeahhhh, I bet Kirova is going mental but in my opinion is, like, it'll work in Natasha's favour because the control Christian had is unbelievable. If Ralf did that we'd be planning a funeral." She laughs and I can't help but run my fingers over my arm, where under the fabric my scar was still pink with a lattice of white.

A distant voice says something to Natalie. "I'm filling Rose in. Rose, you're on loudspeaker, Lissa is here."

"Hi, Lissa."

"Hi, you okay?"

"Ohhh I was just filling her in on today. Rose said Natasha's on her way to the school."

"It's so embarrassing." Lissa says and I wish I was there with her. "I'm stunted. Everyone knows I can't specialise. I'm a freak."

"No, you're not." Natalie and I say in unison.

The line goes quiet and I hope Natalie's hugging her or something.

"Well, this will take your mind off it. I've spoken to daddy and after much negotiation and promising and analysing the potential risks, plus the Guardian ratio to students and budget etc. My Halloween party, albeit smaller, is going ahead."

More silence.

"What?" Lissa says and even over the phone it's loud.

"I know. I'm amazing."

"No but seriously, what?" Lissa repeats.

"I'd like to add to that – what?" I say.

I know Natalie's taking our astonishment as a compliment. I can practically feel her excited energy through the phone.

"Yes. So it's gonna be smaller but that just means more exclusive. I've already pulled strings for Guardians from school to run patrol because look at it this way – the senior year will be at my house so surely a portion of the Guardians should therefore be at the house? Like duh. Plus we already have three, well two and a half Guardians there anyway because daddy is back soon. Oh and I've already invited Andre soooo technically his personal Guardian will be coming also. See? I've nailed it."

"You're unbelievable." Lissa says after a beat. "There was just a whole school attacked and Victors Guardian was attacked in Estonia and you've somehow managed to convince him to let us have a party?"

"Dimitri's awake." I say again, for Lissa's benefit but it disappears under Natalie's voice.

"Lissa, this is more reason to have a party. Everyone's so miserable and stressed out. Daddy's always saying we need to forge on so why not blow off some steam along the way?"

"Unbelievable." Lissa repeats.

"I am."

"But this will mean no drinking right?"

"What the hell would be the point then?"

"Are you kidding me? How have you got permission for us to drink?"

"Well, no. Daddy would never verbally agree to that but he also hasn't verbally said NO drinking. So it's the unwritten rule: don't act like a complete dill hole and we'll look the other way. Lissa if you say unbelievable one more time I'll push you off the bed."

I laugh.

"So Rose this is happening Saturday after next so I'll be home the Thursday before and the decorators will be there Friday."

I'm trying to process. "Natalie, how many people will be here?"

"Like forty – sixty tops."

My mouth opens and closes. Sixty. Sixty people, a mix of Moroi and Dhampirs crammed into the house.

I lie back slowly.

That would be like being back in the Estonia assembly...but not. I wouldn't be sitting at the back unnoticed.

"It's so last minute so I need to nail my final decisions tonight to send on to the team. I also need to go over the guest list with you Lissa – actually, the file is there if you wanna look at it. Also costumes."

"Costumes?" I'm desperately trying to pull everything I know about Halloween from my memory and memory consists of FRIENDS, Gossip Girl, Modern Family, Harry Potter books, and movies. "That sounds...fun."

"Fun? It's going to be fabulous."

"'Dead Man's Ball'? That's the theme you're thinking of?" Lissa says and she must be looking through Natalie's ideas.

"Thought of – past tense. Besides being a bit distasteful it also sounds too formal. That's more like masks and champagne and I've allllll my life to throw that kind of sophisticated parties. We're young and things are shit so the theme is 'FUN'."

"Just a tad distasteful." Lissa mutters and I jump in before Natalie can get defensive.

"Fun?" I ask.

"Well fun and we're going as big as possible. We're not ten but also it'll be you're first Halloween so we gotta do some of the staple stuff."

My stomach has something fluttering in it but I find myself smiling. "Um sure. I don't know much about Halloween so yeah, thanks Natalie. It sounds...cool."

"Oh baby, my parties are the coolest."

"Nat, I am not dressing like a 'Pirate Queen fierce and fabulous'." Lissa says.

"Oh no, you wouldn't be. If we went with the Pirate theme the whole house would be like a Pirate ship slash treasure cove. I'd be the Pirate Queen, you and Rose would be the wenches."

"No." Lissa and I say together.

A few hours later Natalie has to text me over a list of things that I need to get. Some of the things I could order with the groceries but others I'd need to find on other websites. I'm coming down the stairs reading the list over when the door beeps and swings open.

"Hey kid." Ben beams at me.

He wheels in a large case and props it against the wall. I hear more doors closing and the crunch of gravel coming from the drive. Ben shrugs off his battered backpack and dumps it. I pick up the pace, taking the stairs two at a time and leaping onto into the entry, before I can overthink it I throw my arms around him.

The overthinking kicks in when I realise Ben's hugging me back and we're both rocking from the impact of me colliding with him. He gives me a tight squeeze and I feel the warmth start creeping up my neck. I step back and try to hide my embarrassment, fingers twisting together.

"You don't smell good." Is the first thing that comes out of my mouth.

"Gee thanks."

I spy spiked blonde hair over his shoulder. "I'm glad you're back even if you do smell."

"You're standards remain too low, Rose." Spiridon says, swerving past both of us and taking the stairs two at a time with bags in hand.

"Victor, I'll bring this up to your suite." Ben says over his shoulder.

Behind him, Victor enters with his head bent over a leather binder. "Yes, thank you."

Ben grabs the luggage, throws a wink at me, and follows Spiridon. Victor stands in the foyer, eyes running over the papers and I can't think of anything else to do but wait. About a minute later he sighs and closes the binder.

"Hello Rose." He smiles but it's more for pleasantries than feeling. I'm not upset by it – I don't see him in the same way as I did before Estonia. Before I knew how easy it is for him to cut ties with people that are no longer useful. If anything I feel like I understand him better now I see past the facade of niceness. I am useful to him so I know where I stand. "How are you?"

Flashes of images run through my mind. Blood on concrete, blood under my fingernails, the roar of wind around my head like some enraged beast, steel grey eyes, bullets, glass, Dimitri's pale face – her waiting on the doorstep of the house.

I smile. "Fine thank you. Coffee?"

"Cream and sugar. Maybe something of whatever it is that smells nice. Thank you."

I nod. I turn to the kitchen but atop the stairs, I spy Spiridon leaning against the door frame of Dimitri's room.

A few minutes later he strolls in and hops up onto the island.

"You look like you've put on a few pounds."

"Nine."

"I don't cringe at the sight of you anymore."

"Haha. Well, I'll always cringe at the sight of you."

He watches me make up a tray for Victor. "Belikov isn't in the best mood."

I give him a look. "Would you be?"

"I'd be lying if I said I didn't expect him to look happy to see me and have a friendship bracelet made." He lounges back against the island. "I thought having Tasha here would help him surpass the broody stage of things. Get back on form etc."

"He hasn't been awake long and then she had to go to the school."

"She" he repeats in a tone that I definitely did not use. "Haven't warmed up to her then?"

I pour Victor's coffee and very calmly turn to him. His smirking face is equally annoying as it is comforting in the fact it's familiar. I'd also guessed during all my time alone that Spiridon didn't just poke at someone's cuts because he found it fun, well not just because he found it fun, but he did it to size someone up, to see what it takes to get under their skin and how he can use that to his advantage.

He expects me to bite out of my fear of her and her family.

"Would you warm up to someone who stands by as your mother is raped and tortured?" The smirk disappears. "And they look exactly like the person who used to do it?"

He recovers. "She didn't stand by. She only found out the week before we arrived."

I return his flinty gaze. "You could at least try and sound like you mean that."

I leave the kitchen before he can try and lie his way around it.

They can all worship the ground she walks on and see her as the 'good' of the Ozera's but it didn't mean I had to, and no one should expect me to. And as much I hate her, I'm grateful for what she's done for Dimitri which only makes how I feel about Victor worsen because he should have been the one to help. Things are meant to be different here, I'd started to believe it.

I don't know what I believe anymore but I try not to think about it.

I bring the tray to Victor. He has papers spread out over the coffee table and doesn't look up from the one in his hand as I put it down. I busy myself by finding all the new laundry dumped from the suitcases. Separating what can go in the machine and Victor's suits - someone would have to take them to the dry cleaners. Spiridon and Ben have joined Victor in the living room. The TV's on but none of them are paying it attention.

"If he can't be up and active in time for the festivities he will have to go re-cooperate at the school." Victor is saying.

"He'll be up."Spiridon replies and beside him, Ben is looking at his lap. Victor gives a sceptical hum.

I catch Victor's eye. "Ah Rose, I haven't had a moment to properly speak with you. Come sit." I take the empty chair. "I'm so relieved to see you safe. Spiridon tells me you were quite brave and of some great assistance to him."

"I said no such thing." Spiridon says, splaying his arms over the back of the couch to Ben's annoyance.

Victor smiles warmly, that inviting smile that transforms his face from a politician to a father.

I shrug. "I did what I could."

"What you were told." Spiridon corrects and I wish there was something sharp around to drive into his knee. He grins broadly as if he can tell what I'm thinking.

"At the very least you've grown more tolerance for him?" Victor grins and takes a sip of his drink.

"It's easier when you've figured out he just loves attention."

"That's it." Victor's smile lingers and then slips into a serious line. "Rose, I'm sure all you want to do is put it behind you but I would appreciate you were able to run through the events in Estonia again for me, in your own words."

"Why? Can Spiridon not remember?"

Three sets of eyes look at me in surprise.

I stuff that incessant anger back down into the pit in my belly where it belongs and hope it goes back to sleep. Having Natasha around has made it more volatile and unpredictable and even though this was definitely not the time or place and definitely not the people to take it out on – I couldn't help but be smug at the look on their faces.

Spiridon's expression breaks first and weirdly I think he's trying not to laugh.

Victor's voice is smooth. "Spiridon's gave me a detailed account, what he's gleaned from both you and Dimitri's experience but I insist, in your own words."

I sigh and then run them through every single thing I remember, trying to remain disconnected from the feelings that try to come with it. It surprises me how accurately I recall it even though it happened over a month ago the only other people I'd experienced it with I hadn't been able to talk to. There were times I could almost believe it didn't happen, the late hours of the morning when I was trying to sleep and there had been no one to talk to about it with but then I'd remember Dimtiri was across the hall unconscious which made it very real.

Victor listens intently, nodding here and there like he was mentally ticking off a list in his head.

When I'm done I unfold my arms and inspect the hangnail that's been annoying me.

"And how are you?' I look up to find Victor fixing me with a look of mild concern. Ben is the same. Spiridon is on his phone. "That was quite a traumatic experience."

I shrug. I'm not the one that nearly died.

Victor frowns so I better think of something to say. "Being back has been good. I've been walking and baking every day. Talking to Natalie and Lissa."

I'd been trying to keep myself busy. Anytime I'd found myself starting to think about Dimitri surrounded by Alchemists and lying lifeless in his bed with her close by I'd found something to clean, a new recipe to try or made myself read until my mind was filled with places and characters. Once I even found a video online to follow to strength train using only body weight. I'd been in agony the next day and not tried it again.

"Are you sleeping well?"

"Yes."

He nods. "Well, let's get back to normality for a little while. Has Natalie filled you in on Halloween? Ah, yes, I think a little festivity is what's needed to bring everyone's spirits back up. The house will be well protected."

My smile feels plastic. I realise my knee is bouncing and I make it stop. After a few more minutes of small talk, I politely excuse myself. I go back to my room and order things from Natalie's list. I keep my door wide open finding myself enjoying the catches of the boy's voices and encase Dimitri needs something I'll be able to hear him.

My phone dings and tells me Natalie's added me to a chat where she shares links to theme boards for her party. I can't help but be excited. I'd done well in the school in Estonia, I'd kept up the verbal volleyball with Adrian and even at the dorm party, I'd held my own. I could handle a High School Party.

Couldn't I?

Updated: 18/04/2022

Original note:

Hello Angels, nice to see you again. I think apologising for being absent so long isn't worth much unless I add some explanation. This past year has been hard and strange and volatile on a lot of us - and i hope your all safe and staying safe - and it was made even harder for us as a family as my brother is terminally ill. My weeks are planned around working my 9-5, being a carer, and managing the normal stuff like cleaning the house when i have the time. My love for writing disappeared. I had no time to read and really I had little time for myself.

I'm trying to carve out the time to be with this story as I love it and have it all mapped out ready to come to fruition. I cannot thank you enough for still having this bookmarked and being patient - I'm already ahead and will post again shortly.

Stay safe xxx