RPOV

I wake with an arm around my waist, my face pressed into the mattress and someone has replaced my tongue with sandpaper. I lift my head and groan as a wave of vertigo wraps around my brain. How is that possible? I'm lying down. I am still lying down, right? I push myself up and will my head to stop spinning so I can grab a thought or five to make sense of what is going on.

"Please stop rocking the bed." Someone whimpers and I roll to find the owner of the arm.

Lissa had looked like an angel last night, well mostly, but now she looks like a downright disaster.

"Oh my god." I groan because it's the only thing that seems appropriate.

"I know." She lifts her head from the pillow to peer at me. "You have an eyelash on your forehead."

I move too quickly and smack myself. "Oh my god."

I move onto my back and concentrate on taking deep breaths. Breathing couldn't make me throw up…right?

Lissa starts giggling and I peel back my eyelids to glare at her. "What?"

"I'm just remembering...Jesse and Mason singing that break-up song and acting it out." I dredge up the memory and soon I'm laughing too. "And oh my god, Natalie trying to do the dirty Dancing Lift and nearly going right over Ralf's head."

Laughing is somehow cancelling out the sick feeling. "Adrian... Adrian."

"He was trying to teach you how to swing dance...is he still on the floor?"

I can't catch my breath. "I think so. I penned him in...I don't remember getting to bed."

"Christian helped me up." She says grinning. "God knows what I was blabbering about."

I feel her look at me and I keep my eyes on the ceiling, my smile wilting. I know she wants me to be in that happy place with her, ask her about him and how she feels. Be excited for her but I couldn't. I couldn't even pretend. And I remember the last time we were here in my bed together and she told me how unhappy she was and she didn't want to pretend anymore. Thinking about it now, since that night, she has changed. There are fewer outbursts and times of catching her looking off in the distance, a frown on her face.

"Is Christian the reason you're happier?" I ask quietly.

She rolls onto her side to face me. "I am happier now. Do you remember that night I left Natalie's ball and came here? I remember thinking that night 'How the hell do I get through this year? How do I act the same until college and get away?'. It's not like that anymore. Christian is different, he doesn't think the same. He knows and acknowledges bigger things are happening. He can talk to his aunt about things that my parents would brush off. They prefer to put their heads in the sand and hope Uncle Victor will sort it all out, sort out the goddamn world. But I want to know things and you know, I'm going to join Tasha's class for magic defence. Natalie and the others think she's mad but do you know what's mad to me? Sitting on my ass and not knowing how to defend myself. This age vote is mad – I know you don't know him well but Mason's just turned eighteen and there is no way he would have been ready, not just physically but emotionally and mentally, to be someone's Guardian at sixteen. No way."

"You should know how to defend yourself." I agree, although hating her chosen teacher. "I think it's stupid to not learn. I'm glad your happier."

"Why don't you like him?" She asks quietly, reluctantly.

I hadn't been subtle last night. I hadn't spoken to him or even acknowledged him and whilst a smug pleasure came from knowing he'd been uncomfortable and it had been embarrassing in front of others – I hadn't thought I'd be confronted about it. I thought I could get away with it. I search for something to say. Something other than the whole truth.

"I don't like most Moroi when I first meet them. It's hard." His family being the cause of it.

She's quiet for a few moments."He seems standoffish but he isn't. He's funny and he's a really good listener. It's good to talk to someone whose families just as messed up, he gets it."

My voice is hollow. "Okay."

My bedroom door bangs open, expelling the tense mood. We'd both sat up but now Lissa falls back laughing with her hands over her face. I don't know what I look like but I know I cannot look any worse than Natalie. Her black hair is a nest of still pinned curls and rogue swoops or tendrils. All her black eye makeup is still on but just not where the Moroi put it.

She sways and her voice is a smokey croak "I feel like shit."

"You...don't look much better." I say cautiously. She kinda looks deranged.

Natalie stares and then grins. She launches toward the bed and lands between us.

"No! Stop, please." Lissa begs, no longer laughing.

"Morning sickness acting up?" Natalie jokes and Lissa rolls her eyes.

"What's up with your wrists?" I ask her, pointing to the faint pink lines braceleting her hands.

"Oh, I let Ralf tie me up." Lissa starts laughing again. "To say sorry for arguing so much last night."

I just stare at her. "Why did he want to tie you up?"

She smirks. "So he could make me squirm."

"Please, no more details." Lissa waves a hand. "I already walked in on you tying him up that one time."

"Not make you curious?" Natalie asks.

"Absolutely not."

I'm curious. When she'd said tied up I imagined Ralf tying her to a chair as punishment and leaving her there to sleep but I know that's not what she means at all. "Make you squirm how?"

Natalie's smile is devilish. Lissa groans and pulls a pillow over her head.

"He tied me up, slowly kissed me all over, and didn't take my dress off when we - " She jigs her shoulders up and down with a ridiculous expression on her face.

I wish she'd be direct. "Had sex?"

She laughs. "Yes, when we had sex. From what I remember it was fun. Although… being tied up is frustrating."

I am so confused. "So...why, I mean, did you want to be tied up?"

"Yeah. It's like, deliciously frustrating. The anticipation of 'when is he going to touch me', 'what's he gonna do'" She takes in my expression and asks gently, "Are you sure you wanna talk about this? I mean, do you have, um, bad experiences?"

I blink. "With what? Being tied up?"

Lissa removes the pillow and sits up, sensing this conversation has the potential to become delicate. She and Natalie exchange a look. I know they don't want to ask anything that will hurt me or make me uncomfortable. Last night with Lissa was the closest I'd come to being open about where I'd come from and how I'd lived. Natalie had seen the burn and her face...I don't think they could ever handle the truth of everything. Not now Christian had become their friend. That night Lissa had come here from the ball Natalie also talked about him and how weird it was he was showing interest in being social. If I had taken the opportunity then, if I had been stronger, instead of being scared to open a packet of cookies without permission I could have told them. They would know all about him and his family.

But would Lissa still be miserable?

"No, not being tied up. Sexual experiences." Natalie like she's treading thin ice.

"Just kissing." I tell them and don't miss how they both seem to relax. "But I'm not stupid...I know about some stuff."

She nods. "So...do you have questions?"

I think it over. "How does it feel?"

I expect them to laugh but instead, Natalie looks thoughtful and Lissa blushes. "It's...hard to explain."

"Yeah like, the way you didn't enjoy kissing Mason. The right kiss should be addictive. Like, you fall into it. Oh! It's like dancing, I couldn't really tell you how to dance but you felt the music and you just started doing it naturally." Lissa says.

"Yeah, sex is like dancing but you can tell someone how you want them to move." Natalie adds.

"But how does it feel?"

Natalie actually starts to laugh, like she's nervous, "Uh, amazing."

"But with the right person." Lissa supplies.

Natalie rounds on her like she said something of great interest. "Have you been doing summin summin with the right person?"

Lissa gets pinker and I have to mentally throw up a wall at thoughts wanting to run through my mind. "No! I meant with Aaron, like my first time, that was right at the time."

"So like kissing, sex is only good with the right person? Otherwise, it's what? Bad?" I inject, trying to keep to the topic and focus on the two people in front of me.

They look contemplative again.

Natalie gropes for the right words. "Yes and no. Some people like those acts in themselves. They like kissing for the sake of kissing like I like eating for the sake of eating, I enjoy it. Or sex, sex can feel good no matter who your partner is but personally, and I think Lissa will agree, it's better with someone you care about. Sounds so cliché but seriously, sex is better when there's intimacy and they look at you a certain way. When you feel worshipped and you want nothing more than to make them feel good."

"Yeah intimacy for me is when they know you. Know you inside out, know your mind. I heard someone say once the best relationships are a friendship set on fire." Lissa says.

I didn't have that many friends. I certainly didn't have a friend I could do that with. The closest I had to male friends are Ben and Adrian, and the idea of that is... gross.

"Then there are kinks."

"Natalie, no." Lissa says with a pointed look.

"Kinks?"

"Yeah, maybe that's a bit too much too soon." Natalie says backtracking. "Hang on, you didn't like kissing Mason?"

I flush. "Uh, it's not that I didn't like it. He's nice and it was nice my first kiss was with him but...I didn't feel anything. It didn't feel how the movies and TV make it seem. I know that's all fake but...well I just thought it would be-"

"Addictive." Lissa supplies. "Like you wouldn't care to do anything else in the world."

"Well, at least we know you don't like kissing for the sake of it." Natalie says helpfully.

"Did I kiss someone else?" I ask, a tingle running down my back. A whisper of something I can't grasp.

"Uh, not that I saw!" Natalie says. "Did you?"

"I don't...I'm not sure. Maybe I dreamt it."

"You didn't. I was with you right to the end and everyone had mostly left by that point." Lissa says, pulling what looks like a straw from her bun.

Lissa said she had gone to bed before me and I don't remember how I got to my room. When I try to remember it's like trying to see through moving water...did I argue with Dimitri? Or did I apologise? I remember his face being surprised.

'What are doing?'

What had I been doing?

My head throbs like my skull is getting smaller.

I'd just have to ask him.

"I have a question." Natalie says, looking between us and letting the silence stretch out and feed the question. Then she points at my chest. "Where did those come from? A girl needs to know."

We fall around laughing as Natalie comes up with scenario after scenario of how I managed to 'grow a rack overnight'. We go over everything we can remember about the night, the highlights, the things we'd each seen and the other missed until a shadow fills up the doorway. I wipe tears away from my cheeks at Lissa's impersonation of Camille falling into the bushes by the porch.

"Good Morning, Ladies." Spiridon says sweetly. He takes a long, slurpy drink from his coffee mug. "How do we feel?"

"Like shit."

"Awful."

Spiridon hums, still smiling and my stomach drops. "So the clear-up crew have taken down the decorations and taken them away however it still looks like a bomb site down there. You and Rose will be busy today."

There's a beat of silence where I sway where I sit. I need water.

Wait, what is he talking about?

"Uh, what?" Natalie demands. "No there's a cleaning service. They should be coming after everything's taken down."

Spiridon grins wider and I know the day is going to be a bad one. Last night had been too much fun to not have consequences. "Not anymore. You see, Victor has deemed it a fitting punishment. If you want to act like animals then you clean up after yourselves."

I don't even have to look at Natalie to know she's about to go off.

"We didn't start that fight. Rose dived in front of Lissa AND Mia was saying the most disgusting things. Did you report that to daddy?"

"We both know it doesn't matter who started it or who said what. He was very clear on his rules. You broke them. Now consequences. I know you're not used to that." The three of us look at each other. "But by all means, if you doubt me then you can ask the man himself. He will, however, be in a meeting with your headmistress and the three other Heads for the next few hours. Hours in which you may just be delaying the inevitable...letting stains set in."

"Is it about the Age Law?" Lissa asks quickly.

The malice melts out of Spiridon's expression as he regards her. "Yes."

"This is bullshit." Natalie exclaims. "It'll take us hours!"

"Lucky Rose is an expert on such things then isn't it?" He says and I feel a pang of embarrassment.

I wasn't ashamed of my position here, I had more than I could have ever dreamt of for myself and I was still finding more and more things to experience but it was the way Natalie sounded so disgusted by the idea of having to do physical labour. With Natalie usually being at school or in her room whilst I did chores it hadn't really been a thing to acknowledge between us.

"When you're ready Vaslissa, Dimitri will drive you home. Please take Adrian Ivashkov with you. He's Andre's responsibility."

Lissa looks at me and Natalie, knowing defeat. "I'll be ready in 30 minutes."

Spiridon nods then his regular expression colours his face. "Natalie you look like dragged through a swamp. I suggest you wash."

She launches one of my pillows toward him as he disappears. Laughing his way down the hall.

"I was looking forward to us all vegging out and looking at photos." Natalie whines, throwing herself onto her back.

"I might be sick." Lissa says.

"I need water." I moan.

Natalie leaves to shower in her room and Lissa grabs her overnight bag, disappearing into mine. There's not a lot for me to do but lie back, pull the covers over my head, and pray it helps. I needed out of this suit, it feels melded to me and not in the way it did last night. Glued to my skin with sweat...that's probably another reason I feel like a crusty sponge. There's a soft thud near my head, something being set down on the bedside table. I peer out from under the covers and my stomach drops out of my body.

"Not that you need to be reminded but you should drink plenty of water today." Dimitri says quietly.

I did not need reminding but I did the need the willpower to follow through. Even dragging myself out of bed to shower seemed monumental...then I have to clean the whole house with Natalie. Which, let's be honest, will mean I will be cleaning by myself.

I knew I looked terrible but now I'm hyper-aware of it. I bet I reeked too. I clutch the covers tighter, I don't even care how ridiculous I look, it's the lesser of two evils.

He's brought a few bottles of water and something purple.

I can't look at him but a weird and wonderful tingle runs up my spine.

"Thanks." I mumble.

"How...how are you feeling?"

Why did he sound so hesitant? My anxiety coats me like another suit.

"Not as bad as Natalie. Maybe a little worse than Lissa."

There's a strained silence and I clutch the covers so tightly my fingers ache.

"Is there anything you want to discuss with me?" His voice is quiet, loaded.

Was there? Is there? I mean I thought I'd done something last night and I'd decided to ask him but I'd thought it would be on my terms, you know when I would be at least clean and my hair didn't have sticky hard substances embedded into it. This is more like an attack and I don't feel prepared for it.

Did he want me to apologise again because of Mia? Because I wouldn't. Moroi or not she was wrong to try and hurt Lissa and for what she'd said to me. Or was this about Tasha and his insufferable devotion to her? The thought brings on a new wave of nausea.

"Not right now." There's a bite to my words with the mounting embarrassment.

More silence.

"Later then. We have to address this Rose. I won't ignore it."

God, it is about her.

Anger seethes with me under the covers as I listen to his near-silent footsteps leave the room. When the door closes with a quiet click I throw off the comforter and snatch up a bottle of water. I drain it without pausing to breathe. Gasping, I screw on the cap and purple catches my eye.

His secret chocolate. If he's so mad at me then why bring me candy? Water I can understand, that's a basic need. Maybe chocolate helps ease a hangover? I mean...there's very little I think chocolate can't solve. The shower shuts off and selfishly I slide the candy into my drawer.

"Maybe I should stay and help." Lissa says, pulling a brush through her wet hair. She looked so squeaky clean and every one of my pores screams in envy. "I can drop Adrian off and come back. They'll make such fuss about us doing something as a family before Andre leaves but -"

"Lissa it's fine." I say, waving her off as I trudge toward the bathroom. "I am an expert at such things remember."

I close the door before she can reply.

Getting out of the suit is not as easy as getting into it. How the hell am I going to clean it? I don't think it would survive a machine wash. For now, I fold it and leave it by the sink and cringe as my skin sticks together with some of my movements.

"Oh dear."

Some of the steam has cleared from a patch of the mirror and bears the truth. I was so so so right to stay hidden under those covers. My eye make-up is smudged to my cheekbones, one eyelash left on and my hair that had hung in beautiful waves is knotted and matted. I looked like I'd been fighting. Had I looked like this last night? At any stage?

Did Dimitri see me like this?

A few seconds tick by and the shock gives way to giggling. This is the proof I had lived last night, really lived a normal, wonderful, fun night with people who were happy to be with me. My first party. What do I care if I look like hell now? What do I care if I feel like a blunt spoon is scraping the inside of my skull? What do I care if I have to go clean up the evidence of it?

I'd lived a wild dream. Wilder than Eddie could have imagined...he would have loved it too.

I turn on the water and step into the spray before my mind can spiral into the past. I tie up my hair, thinking there's no point washing it now when I had a day of cleaning ahead and I'd just end up showering again later. I scrub every inch of skin, twice, until I smell like a fruit basket. Brushing my teeth is a euphoric experience. I pad into my bedroom to find Natalie, in fresh sweats and wet hair, no longer looking like some crazed demon. Liss's braided her hair and looks annoyingly put together in jeans and a pink blouse with tiny pearls.

"I know." Natalie says, reading my mind as she looks at her too.

"What?" Lissa asks, rubbing in her moisturiser.

Natalie sticks out her tongue at her in explanation. I clutch my towel tighter to me and rifle through my drawers for some leggings and Dimitri's shirt. I wanted to be as comfortable as possible. I try to not think about the fact I was in a towel, basically naked, in front of two Moroi. No, my friends. I wasn't hiding.

I didn't want to hide anymore. It's too hard.

I swear I could feel them watching me but I refuse to wilt under it. They're my friends. They can see all the scars. Marks of my past that they wouldn't ask me about. The pink scarred flesh on my arm from an Ozera. Some part of me is satisfied they don't chatter and glaze over it. I maneuver my pants through my legs without losing my towel, before turning my back to drop it and pull his shirt over my head.

My first piece of armour.

Whatever smugness I'd been harbouring is washed away when I face them. Lissa's no longer rosy-faced but pale and shaking. Her hands are fists at her sides. I look to Natalie for help but there's no trace of her usual humor in her jade eyes.

A part of me hates myself for ruining the atmosphere but another part of me makes me lift my chin. I am not hiding. The truth is the roll of a tongue away but are they too scared to ask? Lissa looks anything but scared. She looks like she could breathe fire and instinctively I want to comfort her, calm her.

A loud rap on the door breaks the silence and makes Natalie jump. Spiridon's voice calls through – the car is ready. Lissa makes a small movement toward the door but then she's striding toward me and for one bizarre second I almost flinch. Then she's crushing me to her, arms around me like bindings, hot cheek pressed against mine. It takes me a second to process and then I wrap my arms around her.

"I didn't thank you, for last night, for what you did. Thank you." Her voice is barely controlled, emotion making it crack.

I don't know what to say. What to do. Of course I'd stepped in, she's my friend and I'm less breakable than she is. But this, what she's saying, is more than just about last night. I know it is. She's seen evidence of my life, my past, instead of a hushed subject they didn't dare to ask about out.

The knocking comes again before the door swings open, Spiridon losing his patience. She kisses my cheek, lifts her bag – that Spiridon immediately takes from her, and turns to Natalie who hasn't moved an inch.

"Natasha's class is on Thursday. I'm going. You should too."

Natalie doesn't react, just stares blankly.

"Good for you." Spiridon says unexpectedly. He sounds like he means it. Or maybe because it's Lissa he's kissing her ass. I can't tell.

God my head hurts.

"I'll call you tomorrow." Lissa says to me and then she leaves.

Spiridon looks between Natalie and me, sensing the change but all he says is, "You two better get started."

Just another day in my life of Spiridon laughing at me.

"C'mon." I tell my now mute friend and follow them out.

I thought it would be just discarded cups and some spills to mop up.

"Fuck." I breathe, taking in the destruction of the living room.

Natalie sits down on the stairs and immediately stands back up. She wipes something jelly-like and green off her butt. "Urgh. This is bullshit. Such bullshit."

I survey the room again and decide the best task to give her is trash pick up. It's the least difficult. I retrieve the bin bags and other supplies needed and find her in the same spot looking sullen. I hand her the trash bag and wordlessly we get to work. I start with the glass wall... which is just one large collection of handprints, smears, and sticky spots and there's an actual lollipop stuck to it.

Forty minutes later we've hardly made a dent.

Natalie's filled one bag and is on to the second, trudging around scowling. My arm is burning with the effort of wiping all the crap off the glass.

"You could help." Natalie snaps.

Spiridon is lounging against the bannister eating a share-sized candy bar. He must have just gotten out of the shower. With his hair wet and a darker blonde he looks younger – he could even be good-looking if his personality didn't get in the way.

"I didn't contribute to any of this." He says, grey eyes alight. "But it is mighty humbling seeing you lift a hand, Nat."

"This is why you pay people to do this. It's cruel otherwise." She mutters and then shrieks when a black solo cup she thought was empty proves otherwise.

"Cruel's one word for it." I say bitterly and out of the corner of my eye, I see her stop fussing to look at me.

"Well, just another day in Rose's office." Spiridon says around his candy. "Here, I'll show my support." He hops off the stairs and strides toward her. She glares at him and he grins, dropping his wrapper into her open trash bag. "There."

"You. Are. A. Dick."

He grins bigger. "And I get paid for it. See, we all know our strengths." Natalie mutters a string of curses as he starts back up the stairs and calls, "Rose, you missed a spot."

I don't even have the energy to flip him off. I hear Dimitri's car come into the drive and I go at the glass. I add window cleaner to my list of groceries. I ignore the front door beeping open and I ignore him a few minutes later when he sets a bottle of water beside me. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's because I'm feeling so horrible and odd in my skin that I don't want him looking at me...even though I want to look at him. But when did I not want to look at him? I was always looking for him.

"What are you doing?"

Dimitri has Natalie's trash bag and has it nearly filled. Natalie is draining the water he must have given her and actually looks to be sweating.

"Isn't it obvious?" He replies deadpan, tying the top.

"Could you get the brush?" Natalie asks, coming up for air. "There's popcorn everywhere."

"You get it." I snap. They both stare at me but I push on, attention on Dimitri. "You're hurt. Go rest or walk or something."

"Sweeping isn't going to kill him." Natalie says, trying for humour but my hand tightens around the windex.

"But it might kill you?"

She reddens and I think she's literally biting on her tongue as we stare at each other.

"It'll be done faster if I help." Dimitri says, calmly.

My eyes snag his and an image flashes through my mind, his hand on my cheek. A light and warm sensation tickles my skin as if his fingers are there. I blink rapidly and look away, rubbing a hand over the spot.

"No, she's right." Natalie says, an edge to her voice. "Daddy wants it done a certain way and I can't be assed with this being another thing in his lecture."

She stomps to the utility closet and I turn back to the glass.

"Is it that difficult to accept help from me or is my presence alone unbearable?"

He still sounds calm but the words alone are loud. Unbearable? What is he talking about? I'm still reeling from whatever the hell that image had been...a dream? Is being hungover loosening any kind of restraint and control I had on my fixation with him that mad thoughts are just going to pop up?

"You heard Natalie. Victors already mad and you are hurt so -"

I hear him throw down the trash. "So, I am not going to stand here and listen to you list out excuses."

I whirl on him. "What is your problem? If you're pissed at me could you leave it until tomorrow when I don't feel like something that needs scraping off this floor? Because I swear to God if you bring your best friend up to me right now I'll ram this windex down your throat."

I wait for the burning embarrassment or shame but neither come. I'm just full of buzzing irritation which just intensifies when his eyes narrow.

"What are you talking about?"

"What are you talking about?"

Natalie comes stomping back. "Dimitri, do you not have Top Secret Guardian stuff to be doing?"

I get back to my task and don't hear him leave but I know he's gone. All the time I spend thinking about him has manifested some built-in radar...that is probably malfunctioning to create those scenarios. I hadn't thought of anything when I woke up, too overwhelmed with everything physically going on, but had I dreamed? I finish the glass then take over sweeping from Natalie, who was just pushing things around the floor and put her back on trash duty.

There was still the little garden, kitchen, stairs, and outside to clear up.

With Natalie in the kitchen, I allow myself to think about it.

What are you doing?

Fingertips on my cheek, trailing electricity, and then his hand cups it. It's comforting and vexing, it's home but unknown territory, it's peace but it's torture.

'Roza' He whispered like a secret and I wanted to know more. My body leaned toward him without consent. This meant something but I couldn't think, could only allow this invisible tether to pull me in and -

"What do I use to wipe down the counters?"

Natalie's voice knocks me clean out of my head. Thank God I'm already sweaty. I point to the cleaning bottle in the box and she snatches it up without another word. I'd probably have to go behind her and clean her cleaning but whatever. With the floor now cleared I grab and bucket and a mop.

So I'd gotten drunk, kissed one boy, and then had stupid sexy dreams about Dimitri after we'd argued and after he spent the entire night with his 'good' friend?

Stupid body.

I clean until the goddamn floor sparkles and the mop head needs changing twice. I throw the carpet cleaner over the stairs and hope the foam dissolves the stains. I'd find out in an hour.

I empty the bucket and begin refilling it to do the kitchen floor. Natalie is eating some leftover candy.

"We need breakfast before we do outside." She reasons.

"And you chose candy corn?"

"Desperate times. Besides, anything goes when you suffering like this."

I couldn't face creating more mess with cooking. She offers me the bag and I take it.

She pulls chocolate spread out of the cupboard and gets two spoons. We sit on the Island and I pass her another bottle of water.

"I'm sorry." She says after a few minutes. "I don't know what to say about things like that. When it's...serious. Lissa's better, always the diplomat, always knows the right thing."

"I don't know what the right thing so it's not like I'm expecting it." I reply, scooping out the chocolate spread.

I feel her gather her courage. "Who gave you those scars?"

"Which ones?" This hangover is making me blunt.

"All of them."

I shrug. "Different Guardians. The Moroi family I was...with."

"Guardians?"

"Someone had to keep us in line. Doing what we're told. That's too much work for a Moroi."

Natalie sets down her candy and doesn't bite at the Moroi comments. "Will you tell me who they are?"

"No."

"Because of Daddy? Because he told you not to?"

It's the easiest option. "Yes."

"I will find out. And when I do I will make their life a living hell."

She meant it I knew but it didn't mean anything. If she found out it was the Ozera's she'd be angry, maybe she'd break a few things but really, what was she going to do? The Ozera's are a Royal Family and I doubt there are consequences fitting for what they deserve, for everything they've done.

She can't deliver the fitting consequences... but maybe I could, one day.

Urgh, this day is heavy.

I reluctantly hop off the counter and start mopping, then get back up to let it dry.

"Do...do you have family Rose? Besides us."

The candy corn turns to ash in my mouth. Besides us? A few weeks ago that would have filled me with such warmth and stupidity but now, after Estonia, it makes my nose wrinkle. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay."

The floor dries and we clear the full trash bags out to the drive. Natalie starts trash pick up in the little garden whilst I go over all the spots on the counters she's missed and the cupboards with spill marks down them. Then I drag the vacuum to the stairs.

Hours later there are nine trash bags out front, no stains on the carpet, the stench of vomit embedded in our hair from the patch Natalie found in the garden that made her then hurl – we're both slumped on the kitchen floor. She's wearing various lost items, a top hat, a tutu, and a big tacky ring.

"Maybe you should of just let her hit Lissa." She says glumly. "Then we wouldn't have had to do this."

It doesn't seem worth it to point out that she'd also been screaming at Angeline.

"Maybe I should have hit Mia when I had the chance. Make it worth it."

A smile tugs her lips. "Yeah, that's a better idea. Do you want to order food?"

I groan. "Yes."

I drain my fifth bottle of water.

"It smells like an industrial chemical factory down here." Spiridon says, rounding the corner and leaning against the archway.

"Yes, we're rather proud of that." Natalie replies drily.

Spiridon examines his nails. "When's lunch? Well, dinner."

"We were just discussing that." She struggles to her feet. "I'm getting my phone to place a collection."

She staggers out of the room. His flinty eyes turn to me and a mix of icy dread and firey irritation collide in my stomach. "Forgotten what a hard days work feels like?"

I glare back at him. "No."

"Looks like it. Getting soft, too comfortable."

"Fuck off." I growl. "You are the worst person to deal with right now." I say rubbing my forehead. I use the fridge handle to pull myself up and get another water. I ignore the smirk now proudly on his face – it promises he's just getting started.

"Why? Because I don't let you away with anything?"

"Away with what?"

"How you behaved last night."

The dread spikes. "How I behaved?"

What are you doing?

Spiridon prowls forward and I have a glimpse of that cold, calculated killer that Guardians have to be. "You know how delicate your position is here, the information you hold, that for whatever reason Victor hasn't deemed it necessary to put more compulsion on you to withhold it – so knowing this you still got belligerently drunk, put yourself into a stupid position and also gave the kids at that school more to talk about by starting a brawl."

I blink and my lips move but no sound comes out. Then the fire, that reckless impulsiveness I had to keep contained all my life, rises like an inferno. "I did not start anything. I protected Lissa. I wasn't belligerent – Adrian passed out on the floor but I doubt you gave him this shitty treatment earlier – and what stupid position?"

"You were slumped outside needing to be attended to by Valissa. You ran off with a boy you don't know into the woods where anything could have happened if I hadn't pulled you apart. Isn't one near-miss enough? Do you know what kind of fiasco that would have created for Victor because you were stupid? Which also helped fan the flames of the name you'd made for yourself as a Blood Whore. Are you keeping up?"

The inferno dies little by little with every word used to attack me. Today had sucked but it had been bearable a price to pay for how shiny and amazing last night had been. But he was taking it away from me, distorting the memories so the reality is I humiliated myself, and not only that he's implying that Mason is like Alec. That my first kiss was with someone that could be so evil which also meant I'd betrayed myself and the warnings she'd hammered into me for four years. And that sick, twisted narrative that Mia had been spitting at me… I'd somehow caused that too?

But I hadn't done any of those things.

The fire's dead and I'm hallow, cold. My voice is chipped ice. "I didn't do anything wrong."

"Then why have you paying for it all day? Give a slave an inch and they really do run a mile."

I don't even think, I just react. My hand connects with his cheek, the loud crack splitting through the room. I hit him so hard that his head snaps to the side. His skin blooms red.

There's a thundering in my head, no on the stairs, and Dimitri rounds the corner. Natalie seconds later in his wake. My throat is closed and my eyes are burning.

Dimitri's gaze sweeps over me and then turns on his colleague. His voice is as cold as death. "What did you do?"

Spiridon prods his face with his fingers and then looks at me. The bastard smiles, "Teaching her to stand up for herself. As per example, you won't always be there, will you? You put in that order yet Nat?"

Dimitri takes one step toward him and I see the shadow of who he'd been in that bar. "What did you do?"

Natalie's eyes dart between them.

Spiridon's smile slips. "Teaching. Do you think physically training her is enough? You think coddling and trying to be one step ahead to rush in is enough?" He turns to me. "You were right to hit me. But not everything I said was untrue, in fact, most of it is true. You need to think. There will always be someone trying to undermine you and put you down. Always. You need to stand your ground. No one can make you feel inferior if you do not let them. You make a choice and then stand by the outcome. If you know yourself then nobody can tell you otherwise."

I keep my voice low in better hopes of controlling it."Speak to me like that again and I'll do far worse than hit you."

"We'll see. Now, food. Italian?"

I need out of this house. I tear out the backdoor, over the green, and onto the path into the woods. I find that soft patch of grass cradled between the two mounds and drop into it.

What the hell is this day?

Spiridon's words loop in my mind. I am physically and mentally exhausted, and he is right. I'd forgotten what a hard day is – it's feeling not entirely sure your body can support you anymore but knowing you have a job to do. Yeah, my life didn't depend on it anymore but doesn't that make it worse? That I thought today was hard when in comparison to months ago it isn't hard at all. And if my mother knew I'd taken off alone with a boy, nearly a man, that I didn't know… I cringe and it makes my body shake.

Spiridon thinks he's helping me? All his jabbing and needling is supposed to be helping me?

I sense him, somehow.

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not."

I rub my eyes, stealing myself some time before I face him and sigh. "How angry is Victor with us? Me? Really."

Something drops down beside me and my vision clears of blue spots I find another water bottle. "As annoyed as a parent would be when teenagers misbehave. That is all. Spiridon will have grossly exaggerated – what did he say to you?"

I bite my tongue. What if he wasn't exaggerating about some parts? I was embarrassed about kissing Mason in front of everyone when I wasn't wholly in control of myself. And when he'd first said 'stupid position' I had immediately thought it was something to do with Dimitri. Now is the right time to ask him if we'd fought again...if I'd done something I needed to apologise for.

"He said I'd forgotten what a hard days work was. That I'd embarrassed myself. Stupid to come out here with Mason alone – but you heard him. He thinks he's teaching me something?"

I keep the slave comment to myself. I'd dealt with the consequence that warranted.

He perches himself on the mound opposite and I don't miss the small wince. "The hardest thing about Spiridon is he tends to be honest, his honesty. It's hard to digest and I don't agree or stand by the way he chooses to deliver his opinions. I do believe he is trying to harden you but I also know he enjoys the process. He enjoys it a lot. Spiridon is good, if not the best, at exposing to a person what their weaknesses are and seeing what power he can glean from it."

I glare up at him. "And that's why he's allowed to be an asshole?"

"No one can make you feel inferior if you do not let them." He quotes. "Galina told him that. And he is right – I can and will train you physically, starting tomorrow, but for the social adversity you may face later who better to be your antagonist now than him? It's sparring of will and test to your control."

"It sounds an awful lot like your making excuses for him."

"I'm rationalising not justifying. I don't agree with him talking to you like that. I don't stand for him using callous means. I'm glad you hit him."

The adrenaline ebbs out of my body and I slump. "I am too drained for any of this. He's wrong. A lot of what he said was wrong."

"I'm glad you know that. Drink."

I do and wipe my mouth on the back of my hand. "What did you want to talk to me about? Because this has been such a crappy day and I want to leave everything crappy in it." He's quiet for so long I turn to him. "Dimitri, what did I do?"

I feel my pulse slow as he looks at me, really looks at me. His dark eyes are intent on my face, searching, from under his eyelashes. Strands of his hair have come loose and my hand twitches with the impulse to reach out and brush them back.

I needed to get a grip on myself.

He looks past me to the water. "Perhaps it's not worth remembering."

"Is it about her? Did I argue with you again?"

"It is nothing to do with Natasha." His voice is sharp and I sink back in surprise. He takes a deep breath and his shoulders sag. "We should leave it in the past, forget I mentioned it."

It isn't about her. I know it but I'm too much of a coward to persist, to try and reveal what's behind this weird atmosphere between us. The unspoken thing. Something I'm apparently having trouble remembering...unless I do remember… unless -

The lights on the forest path turn red.

Panic propels me to my feet. He told me this only happened when the wards were crossed. We're out in the woods, away from the locking doors and magic-infused glass.

"Roza, it's fine."

"But -" My foot catches against a dip in the grassy earth and his hands close around my arms to stop me from falling on my face. It also serves to bring me close to him.

"The furniture is being delivered back." He says, voice composed but the grip he has on me isn't calming. I can feel the heat of his body, see the muscle in his arms tense, the smell of lush spice fills my head and I lean into his grip. I force myself to look at him.

Burnt gold in the earth.

A muscle ticks in his jaw. His bottom lip is fuller than the top.

He pushes me away, gently but firmly. "Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"As if you remember everything."

He turns and strides back down the path. Time passes and when the lights flick back to their warm white it draws me out of my dazed stupor. I amble back to the house, goosebumps pimpling my skin that has nothing to do with temperature. Natalie is in the kitchen and containers of food cover the island. She looks up as I come in.

"I thought you were in your room. Why were you still out there?"

"I wanted fresh air." I say numbly.

"I was making you up a plate, here." She passes me a dish already piled with two types of pasta. "You'll want to try the mozzarella dippers. Ah screw it, I'm just going to take this bag with us. Your room? Or mine?"

I don't even hear myself reply but follow her out, ignoring the people reassembling the living room, not looking for him or Spiridon. We settle on my bed and she flicks on the TV. I eat and for the first time in months, I don't taste anything. I don't drown in the pleasure of food.

"I'm sorry Spiridon was a dick to you."

"It's not new."

"Do you want me to tell Daddy?" I shake my head. "I yelled at him. When we left in the car. I just...I just said how could he be like that knowing everything you've been through. This is supposed to be a safe place. Me and Lissa don't ask you questions because we don't want to upset you. We don't want to bring up a past you want to forget and if I knew he talked to you like a dick, I would pour tuna oil all over his room."

"Tuna oil?"

"It's hard to get rid of the smell."

"I'd be the one cleaning that you know."

She purses her lips. "I'd think of something. Maybe ask Dimitri to help seeing he's pissed too."

I push my pasta around. "Was he?"

"Yeah, when you left he got right in his face and said something about testing him. I think today's the most I've heard that man speak."

"What did Spiridon say?"

"Nothing to Dimitri but to me he said...well he said what he already said. That last night you had bitchy things said to you and you didn't crumble because you'd already been putting up with him. He said you need to be stronger for when you're on your own."

I put down my fork. "When I'm on my own?"

"He means like, well if you don't want to live here forever. If you want to one day get your own place or something."

"Do you think things like that are possible for me? I have no idea if what Victor pays me I can use to pay for home...or how I would get a different job that would. I don't know anything."

"These aren't things that you're going to have to figure out right away. We can help you. We'll take this step by step. Do you really think me or Lissa would let you be homeless?"

"No. But I don't want… I don't want to have to always rely on someone else."

She looks past me to the books on my bedside. Some of her old school ones and others that painted adventures and other worlds in my mind. "There's only so much you can read about...what about a tutor?"

She explains to me what a tutor is and how they could come and personalise lessons for me. Then once they felt I'd learned enough I could take tests to earn qualifications. Qualifications would help me get jobs, jobs would give me money, then I could have a place of my own.

They are nice words, nice ideas but with everything that's happened in the last 30 hours, I couldn't hold anything in my head.

A while later she unpeels herself from my bed to go to her own, wanting to call Ralf and then 'put on a facemask and mentally prepare to speak to daddy tomorrow', leaving me to carry the dishes to the kitchen. The living room is finally back to normal at least. Spiridon is watching a football game and ignores me. I load up the dishwasher, grab more water and trudge back to my room.

I am so drained physically, mentally, and emotionally. It seems better to flick the lights off and shower in the dark. I spend so long under the hot water, letting it soothe me and not letting myself think. I get out when the water starts to cool and towel my hair so it's damp and not dripping. Those smooth, shiny waves are long gone.

Yesterday seems so long ago and memories push on the edges of my mind, demanding attention but I beat them back by focusing on each step of the 'skin care' routine Natalie had lectured me about.

But the more I ignore them the more anxiety breeds and skitters over my skin. I take a deep breath and grip the counter, letting my mind win.

I'd been angry last night but able to ignore it, letting it simmer under the surface as I allowed myself to be caught up in all the new experiences. I'd been angry at Christian's presence and his hand on Lissa's hip. At Mia and that ugly look on her face, the one that made me feel like the girl who used to wake up on a dusty roll up and wonder if I'd live through the day. At Dimitri for wanting to push his opinion of the two Ozera's inside the only walls, I'd felt safe. At Tasha for curling herself around his arm like she belonged there and I remember being worried about it too...like she had the perfect place to whisper in his ear and make him laugh. I worried that him being angry at me would make him appreciate her more and I know if I said this aloud, not that I would tell anyone, it would sound stupid...but it didn't feel stupid.

I'd wanted to make sure he wasn't angry with me even though I was angry at him.

I go back to bed and sit at the edge, looking out at the navy sky. I feel out of my body but entirely too in my body.

A soft tap on my door cracks my safe, quiet bubble. I speak through numb lips and hear the almost silent brush of boots on the carpet before the quiet click. I inhale deeply and close my eyes and prepare myself as he moves toward me. I open them as he sits down on the window seat, a dark shadow against the lightning sky.

"I thought I dreamt it." I whisper. If we talked about this softly and in the dark maybe it wouldn't be so terrible. Maybe I'd be less embarrassed with myself and the need to get out of my skin would be bearable.

"No, you didn't dream it. Do you wish you did?"

I should apologise and beg forgiveness but I didn't have the energy and if I was to suffer I should at least suffer because I was too honest. He would be honest with me, he always has been and I'm already holding so much back. For once I just wanted to be so unbearably blunt.

"No. I wish I could remember every second of it but instead it's just moments. Fractured pieces."

"What pieces?" He asks so quietly it's impossible to detect his tone.

I had prepared for a lecture, for reprimanding, and for this relationship we'd built to disintegrate. Not for questions...unless he's gathering more information to use. I'd wanted to be honest but to tell him what I remembered and what it made me feel would be slicing myself open. So I shake my head, pinching my fingers in my lap – a tell but I couldn't help it.

He sits forward, elbows on his knees. "Rose, if you don't regret it why can't you look at me?"

I pinch hard. "Because...because well how can I? I've ruined this. You are probably the only person I can… and I've ruined it. I'm sorry."

"Roza." Dimitri says softly. "You haven't done anything wrong. I'm at fault. I should have stopped it. But I didn't and I don't regret it either."

Air comes in and out of my lungs slowly. I look up to find his usually stoic face almost tender, open and he's looking at me intently. "I...why?"

"Why?" He repeats and I regret asking immediately as the mask glazes over. "I have been asking myself that all day. I understand you feel the trust we've built is gone, the bond. If you want me to keep my distance I will. If you want to tell victor and have him take action I understand."

"What are you talking about? Why would I do that?" I swallow. "You don't regret it?"

His eyes are darker than the night sky, no gold glitters in the depths. "No, I don't."

A heat brushes over me and the quiet is charged, more unbearable. "Dimitri, please explain to me what you're thinking, and don't act or speak like a Guardian."

My lungs constrict as he stands. He walks toward the door but only to lock it and then lean back against it. My heartbeat could be seen through my skin. My breath comes slow and shallow.

"For the longest time, I have acted with practicality, been pragmatic to all aspects of my life. I have used my head and learned to rule my emotions before they ruined me – so much so I'd truly lost touch with them. I had been so regimented to the tools and control Galina taught me that I became so successful in my field because I'd become everything it needed, closed off, calculating, I'd do what needed to be done. I was apathetic." He crosses his arms and those dark eyes hold me. "Until you came into my life that night. The Strigoi was my mission but I hesitated, intent on you and how you didn't flinch when you faced it. You stabbed it. Do you know how many experienced Guardians lose their lives by hesitating? Too many. And then you fled, you fought me when I caught you. You were afraid but you wouldn't let it rule you. If things hadn't worked out how they did I still would have insisted we take you, I would not leave you to that life.

You came here and I worried about you constantly. I knew you were lying to me about your needs but I was afraid to push you encase you retreated further into yourself. Then I failed you with Alec – Rose I have not lost control like that in years. I would have murdered him and I would not have regretted it. In Estonia, I needed to get you to that Motel. I knew Spiridon would reach it and if I could get you there you would be safe...but I didn't get us there, you did, and after you fought in that parking lot. I was getting weaker, I could hear my heartbeat in my ears and I knew I was going to fail. You knew it too, you offered to go with them, and right then I would have rather died than let that happen. If I could buy you time…"

He trails off and I can't move or speak. The memories tumble through my mind at his words. How he'd refused to give up in that parking garage when his body was begging him to. Even when Tanner implored him to stay down and he wouldn't. Tanner thought he was devoted to protecting what was Victor Dashkov's but Dimitri had told him it wasn't the Prince he owed a debt to. It was to me, to my mother. I hadn't really thought about that before. These past weeks I'd been so focused on being worried about his recovery, on getting fitter, avoiding Tasha that I hadn't really thought about the journey to the motel. I'd thought about the Moroi snake holding my necklace with a look of wonder and then rage. I'd thought about that motel room, the blood, his heart-stopping, the bruises coating his body, and Spiridon breaking down the door just in time. That terrifying drop out of the aeroplane that dislocated my shoulder and caused Spiridon to need stitches in his head. I hadn't thought about how much it cost him to get up and fight against his own body shutting down just so I wouldn't be taken by someone else. Be owned again by a Moroi with an agenda.

He would have died first.

"And then I woke up, by some miracle, and there you were. Looking healthy, looking stronger, and offering me baked goods as if I didn't have so much to atone for. I felt almost like I didn't know you anymore, you had changed so much, you'd found this confidence and last night I felt like you were finally becoming yourself. No longer holding back, not just offering glimpses. You were letting it shine through and you saw how people reacted to it. You were charming, beautiful, fiercely protective, and strong...as much as I had pride for everyone getting to see that I also felt jealous. I had no right to be. Last night was just a small part of what you're owed in this life." He takes a deep breath and his tongue sweeps over his bottom lip. "You were waiting for me in my room. You asked me if I was angry with you even though, once again, I was at fault. I didn't have the strength to not see what everyone else had that night. You told me you had kissed a boy and that you hadn't felt anything. I told you you would when it meant something to you. Then you kissed me and I felt it everywhere in my being. I felt more at that moment than I have in years. I have been feeling again with you." He looks straight at me and desperation touches his features, an entirely foreign expression on him. "I promise I never had an agenda. I didn't plan this. I didn't...I wasn't aware of this. I will keep my distance if that's what you want."

My heart is a loud, steady beat in my ears. "And if I don't want that?"

His fingers curl into fists. "What do you want?"

What I wanted I couldn't properly put into words because I couldn't condense it all down. All I know is I don't want distance from him. I want to be closer. I have always wanted to be closer, to know him. I wanted to be reminded of last night. I wanted to relive the moment in my mind now not underlined by anxiety and fear. I wanted to feel his kiss in my entire being.

"Let me show you."

I slide one leg off the bed but he holds up his palms. "Rose, if we do this there is no going back. There is no excuse and there is so much to consider."

"You said you weren't aware of this but I have been. I didn't plan it either or plan to do anything about it but I knew."

"People will think there is a perversion to this, you know that right?"

I mull that word over, dissecting it, applying the meaning word for word in my mind. When I speak the hardness in my voice surprises me. "And they'll be wrong. I know what perversion is. I have spent years terrified of it, waiting for it to happen to me as an inevitability. You are the only person, the only man, I have ever felt safe with and trust. I know if I asked you to leave you would. I know if I demanded to speak to Victor right this second you would take me to the school to see him. But I am asking you, to come over here."

There's a moment when his chest rises and falls. I have a shadow of a doubt that he's changed his mind, that despite everything he's said he'll slip back into apathy and leave. But then he's crossing the room and I'm rising on the bed to meet him. It's a different kind of fear when his fingers slide over my jaw and his thumbs tilt my chin up so there's no escaping his magnetic gaze.

He looks at me, really looks at me and I'm frozen in place. Until his eyes drop to my mouth and he's tipping my chin up high so his lips can find mine.

I'd been humouring a faint memory, a daydream of his kiss, and thought it was the most indulgent thing I could conjure up, that nothing could beat it.

I was very wrong.

The kiss isn't soft or sweet, it was claiming and firm, and it wakes something in me. Something powerful and wanting, uncurling hot in my lower belly that runs over my skin and makes me gasp. Dimitri takes advantage of that, deepening the kiss, one hand on the back of my neck and the other around my waist. He slides onto the bed, kneeling as I am, and the heat of him, the smell of him, the taste of him is all there is. His lips press and part mine, guiding me through this dance I don't know but want more than anything to learn.

I'm aware of slowly leaning back and him following, guiding us until he's braced over me. Then suddenly and ever so lightly his tongue slips against mine and I respond without consent, a small noise coming from low in my throat. If I'd had any sense I'd probably seize with embarrassment but his lips have chased the sense out of me. My hands travel up his solid torso, feeling every line and muscle there. I have enough presence of mind to be gentle even though I just want to pull him closer. I wanted to feel every line of him against me, I wanted to be closer to the heat of his body but he doesn't close the small distance between us. Kissing him is enough, it's everything.

His lips move to my jaw and I draw air into my lungs.

How is this real?

How do I have this man kissing me like I'm the only thing that matters?

I wasn't worthy of this.

His warm breath fans my ear, "You want this?"

I shiver, "Yes."

He makes a pleased noise and begins leaving kisses down my neck. He follows the same path back and I've lost control of my breathing. Hot tingles are running over my skin and my fingers have become less gentle in their exploration of his arms, his broad shoulders. I seek out his mouth and try and pull him closer. He doesn't yield.

"Dimitri."

"Roza." He murmurs against my lips. "I am trying to exert some control."

A dangerous thrill goes through me at his words. I wanted to dance on this line, set fire to it, and push against the boundary. "Why?"

"Because one of us should."

"I want you closer. Please." He stills and I feel him take a deep breath. I tilt my head up to whisper against his lips. "Please."

He groans and sparks spit from my nerve endings. His mouth captures mine as he settles over me, the weight of his torso against my chest and his leg between mine. I feel deliciously overwhelmed, thrilled to be dancing on the cusp of something I knew I couldn't go beyond. This is enough. Right now this is everything. His hand slides from my hip up to my waist, scorching my skin through my clothes. I never wanted this to stop, would never get bored of this, of him parting my lips, tasting him, being this close to him, and exploring his body. A bizarre impulse, driven by this forbidden deep pleasure in my lower belly, has me nipping his bottom lip with my teeth. He makes a sound somewhere between a growl and a groan.

"We need to stop now." His voice is rough and it sends a ripple of pleasure through me even though his words don't. "Before you kill me."

"That would be inconvenient and hard to explain." I say, breathlessly.

He smooths my damp hair back. "Exactly."

His dark eyes have warmed to dark chocolate and there's a small smile tugging at his lips. I can't believe how different it makes him look, younger, happy and it's for me. I lean up and kiss him, kissing that look on his face. No one had ever looked at me like that. He kisses me gently, slowly, and then shifts onto his side, pulling me round to face him.

"I'm sorry today was rough."

"Last night was still worth it. Especially now."

"Aren't you tired?" His fingers trace lazily patterns on my hip.

"Yes but I don't want to sleep yet." I didn't want him to leave. I brush my fingertips against his cheek. Even though a few minutes ago we'd been kissing, deep soul, touching kisses, this feels more intimate. He turns his face to my palm and presses his lips to it, such a simple gesture but something deep in my chest blossoms, something that's longed and ached for years but had been shut away, denied. I shuffle closer and rest my head in the crook of his shoulder. I have never felt safer. Whole.

"You said you knew. When?" He asks me quietly.

I watch the night sky slowly bleaching into the day. Stars fading. "Not all at once, slowly. It would catch me off guard, make me nervous, and then last night it made me angry. Seeing you with her made me so angry." I say the last part quietly, not wanting to mention her at all. Afraid of what he might say.

"That's not something you need to worry about." He says into my hair and relief courses through me. "Or be the reason you kiss other boys."

I cringe. I'd had an audience to that second kiss with Mason and I could only imagine what it had looked like. "Was that a moment you realised?"

"I couldn't stomach it if that's what your asking."

I smile against his chest. "Noted."

There's a creek from somewhere in the house. Someone moving in their room or just a phantom noise but it's enough to shake this bubble we were in. It didn't need to be said that we weren't going to tell anyone, not yet. I wanted it to be something we had for as long as possible before other people needed to be considered. Before they could potentially ruin it. I wanted this just for me, as long as he did too.

His finger curls under my chin and tilts it up. "Are you sure about this?"

"Yes." I say instantly, holding his gaze. "Aren't you?"

He searches my face, fingers tracing my cheekbone. "I'm sure of you."

The way he's looking at me is too much and I have to look away. When he speaks again his voice has sobered. "It's not going to be easy. I meant it when I said there's a lot to consider."

"Oh, well that'll make a change from the easy life we've had so far." He chuckles. "I don't want to consider anything right now. I just want this. I just want it to be us. Is that okay?"

His hand slides from my hip to my lower back so he can pull me closer to him. I move my leg over his...it would be easy to push him onto his back and take his position from before. Dance on that boundary. See how long we can before we fall over into that forbidden place. Nearly everything to me that had been forbidden I'd tried, tasted, experienced and I'd become drunk on it.

"Anything you want." He presses his lips to my forehead and my eyes flutter closed.

"Anything?"

"Oh no, I should have known better."

I grin, fighting against the lull of the soothing motions on my back. I was exhausted but I didn't want to give in, not yet. What if I woke up and it hadn't been real? Some unknown wild effect of a hangover making my dreams vivid and heated. Or worse, he takes it all back. The mask would be back on and he would regret this. I press my lips to his throat, taking liberties that are possible in this bubble, taking what I want.

His hand stills. "Rose."

"I'm not going to kill you." I murmur, kissing up to his jaw, the corner of his mouth. I slide one hand up to his cheek turning it to me. "You said you hadn't felt anything in a long time. I just want to help make it up."

"We have time." He says, from under his lashes. "There's no need to rush."

I know the meaning behind his words. I know he means he's not expecting the things I'd been curious enough to ask Natalie about and a part of me relaxes. I hadn't thought about it going there but isn't that where kissing and being close is supposed to lead? I should probably ask but instead, I lean up and kiss him, softly, savouring it, holding back. I'd intended to start something milder than before but soon the slow kisses change, the urgency creeps back in and I'm the one leaning over him now with my fingers sliding into his hair to grip it. I'd wanted to do that for so long and it's the only part of him that's soft. His hand travels from my hip down my thigh and behind my knee and he hitches it across his hip. The movement pulls me over him so I'm the one braced above. I stop breathing and I feel him looking at my face.

"Did I go too far?" He asks carefully.

I think I understand what cardiac arrest must feel like. "No."

"Rose." I meet his eyes, aware of how hot my cheeks are. "If I do anything that makes you uncomfortable, anything, tell me and I'll stop." I nod and his hands cup my face, his cool fingers calming my hot skin. "Promise me."

"I promise."

I liked this position, I like the view. I feel an element of control.

He's watching me, waiting for me to decide the direction to take and it emboldens me further. I lean down, the faint memory of last night in my mind, as I run the tip of my tongue over his bottom lip. He doesn't hesitate in claiming my mouth again, still holding my face. I settle down, chest to chest, knees tucked to his waist, lying over him and high from the power of having the upper hand.

I would not be able to go on living without this.

Dimitri's hands brush up my thighs, making their way to firmly sit on my waist. If he could send my blood rushing to my head from that touch, over clothes, what would underclothes and other places do to me? The thought makes me rock against him.

His head jerks back.

"Did I hurt you?" I lift my weight, alarmed.

He's breathing like he's been running. His arms wrap around me and he suddenly sits up and lowers me until my butt rests on the bed between his thighs, my legs resting on either side of his hips. He leans his forehead against mine. "No, you didn't hurt me."

We sit for a few minutes, letting our breathing even out. As my heart slows the exhaustion settles over me, demanding to be felt. My limbs feel heavy and I could honestly fall asleep right here, in that safe spot on his shoulder. Dimitri moves first, tilting his head back to kiss my forehead and my eyes flutter open.

"It's getting late."

I nod, halfway already to dreaming. He shifts and I hear him pulling back the comforter. I reluctantly crawl out of my preferred spot and up onto my pillows. He pulls the covers over me and I realise he's not staying, that he can't. It's probably a good thing – I completely forgot myself when he kissed me. I'd promised to tell him when I wasn't comfortable but I wasn't sure if my curiosity and want of him would let me be uncomfortable. But despite this a part of me wants him to stay.

The sky had lightened considerably, dawn is about to break. He notices too and pulls down the blinds, darkening the room again.

"Goodnight Roza."

"Can I pull the 'anything I want' card?"

"I regret saying that." He didn't sound it.

I smirk but feel my cheeks heat again, suddenly shy. "Kiss me again?"

The mattress dips and his breath fans my cheek. "Of everything you've faced but now you blush. There's a compliment there somewhere."

"Trick of the light."

"We're in the dark." I open my mouth to argue and he silences me by pressing his lips lightly to mine. A slow and sweet kiss. "Sleep well, Roza. Tomorrow we train."