RPOV
I wake as a bit of the dying sun slices through a gap in the blinds. It takes a moment to orientate myself, to understand why there's an arm curled around me. I peek over my shoulder at his sleeping face, careful not to jostle us and wake him. I allow myself to bask in this unfamiliar feeling of being held, of feeling really safe, wanted. I run my fingers over his arm then place my hand over the one tucked against me. His slow, even breathing tickles my neck and I drift off again.
Soft presses against my neck make me sigh in content, a nose brushes my ear and my eyes flutter open.
"I need to go." He murmurs thickly, he hasn't been awake long.
I turn so we're facing each other. "I like you sleeping here."
He smiles slightly, hand on the small of my back. "I like waking up here but we need to be careful."
I nod, ignoring all those unsaid situations and considerations we hadn't discussed yet. "Natalie and Spiridon are getting up early to study."
"It's earlier yet."
We look at each other, him not making a move to leave and me wanting the minutes to stretch out until they snap, prolonging this moment. What am I doing? I'm mourning a moment when I should be trying to seize it. I kiss him lightly, lazily like I can coax him in, persuade him to stay even though it's not a good idea. It's actually a terrible idea but he kisses me back just as softly, saying goodbye, staying in control.
Well that won't do.
The tip of my tongue swipes at the seam of his lips, which part and it changes everything. His hand slides into the nest that is my hair and I kick down the covers so I can climb closer to him. He hooks my leg across his hip so I'm draped over him, the cool air of the bedroom tickling the back of my thighs. He sits up and I sink into his lap.
"I know what your trying to do."
"Are you complaining?" I lean in to whisper in his ear. "Stop whining."
Suddenly he flips us, expertly and easily. I make a surprised 'oof' noise as he braces above me, my wrists held in one of his hands above my head. His grip isn't tight, I could easily pull free but instead I go still, excitement coursing through my veins.
He contemplates me and I feel my skin grow warmer, the t-shirt has rode up to a danger zone again. Slowly he lowers his face to mine, holding eye contact, "Or?"
I can't make my mind work.
Still no fear as my chest rises and falls, trapped under him.
I swallow. "Or I'll take all your clothes and you'll be forced to beg Spiridon for underwear."
He humours me with a tilt of his lips and now that I know he's not using this position to his advantage to kiss me, I test my restraints.
"Throw your weight into your hips." He tells me with his instructor voice, catching me off guard. I look at him questioningly. "Don't be polite about it."
So I do. He jolts forward, my wrists free as his hands brace further above me. "Now take your right hand and grip my arm from the outside. Good. Hook my leg with yours. Now throw me off."
I do and he rolls onto the bed next to me.
"And that's how you get out of that."
I sit up, grinning. "Can we do it again?"
He laughs in earnest but then throws himself off the bed before I can persuade him. "Next time we'll be on a matt. I need to go."
I crawl down to the edge of the bed as he swipes up his boots. He leans down to kiss me but wards off my hands that were reaching for him, innocently.
"If you start touching me again I'll never leave."
It's ridiculous how giddy that makes me. I'm not in control of myself but I don't much care at this very moment.
He unlocks the door and opens it slightly, listening. Then he turns back, letting his eyes travel over me, I tug at the shirt hem, until they settle on my face. "Training in 30 minutes."
He closes the door and I stare at it for a few seconds before throwing myself back onto the bed. I feel stupid and not stupid that makes me want to crawl out of my own skin or shrivel up inside, I feel stupid like there's nothing but air in my head and syrup in my blood.
How have I gone from dreading, with every fibre of my being, being alone with a Guardian to wanting only that. Well one, Guardian, one person. The air in my head starts to clear out as thoughts and images push their way in.
Those Guardian's that had towered above me for most of my life really weren't Guardians at all. They were paid bullies, paid sadists (a new word). They were nothing compared to Ben and Dimitri, even Spiridon who had been the most outspokenly disgusted when I'd been revealed to them in the Ozera's household. It's clear the Ozera's had been particularly careful about who they'd chosen to be our wardens and I don't know why I hadn't thought about it before.
Because your always trying to not think about before.
No, no I can't. Even pulling a loose thread from the past opens a new chasm of terror in me which is so bizarre and unexplainable that it scares me, so I cut the thread and tell myself to never stray near it again. I think it's being here and being so far removed, in every sense, from that place and the comparisons are too much.
It hurt less to be there, live like that, than being here and thinking of it.
I push it away, back down into the black space I don't ever venture too.
I touch my lips. He'd kissed me differently, almost desperately last night like I was desert he'd always been denied. He'd touched my bare skin, my bare legs and I hadn't wanted to break in half. I'd felt him, all of him, and I hadn't spiralled into myself, devoured by panic and helplessness.
I'd just wanted. I wanted it all so much. I just wanted him and every part of me welcomed him, craved him in ways that are perplexing and hard to understand.
I'd been told my body was a weapon to be used on itself. That sooner or later someone would want to wield it and break me apart, kill me little by little. Dimitri didn't make me feel like that at all. I felt so alive, so in tune with my body and what it wanted even though all sense was cleaved right out of my head. Being touched, being kissed and being held like that is addictive.
My hand moves from my lips to my thighs where his hands had been.
I'd felt him and how he'd wanted me and he hadn't done anything to make me afraid. Knowing Dimitri wanted me, from simple kisses to that, makes me feel hot and wriggly in my skin. My body had strained to know how he wanted me. The memory of how he'd felt pressed against me, in just my underwear, shudders through my bones and ends in a sharp pulsing ache between my thighs.
What the hell is that?
Tentatively I let my fingers wander toward the spot, expecting soreness to greet me, some indication of being hurt – perhaps I'd done something to myself when training. I mean, every other part of me hurts.
My fingertips brush lightly against the spot.
Oh.
Not pain but something similar to it, like the other side of a coin. I do it again and my breath catches as it intensifies, begging for attention.
The sound of voices startles me so much I nearly roll off the bed. I grapple for the covers, feeling the need to hide as Spiridon and Natalie's voices argue in low tones in the hall. The heat dissipates into a slow burning embers.
I run to the bathroom and splash cold water on my face and get ready.
Downstairs Spiridon and Natalie are back at their posts, she looks up excitedly like I've arrvied to save her from hell but Spiridon clicks his fingers in front of her face. He looks pointedly at me as to say not to disturb them or I'll regret it.
I round into the kitchen to find Dimitri drinking coffee, dressed in his own gear and a bundle on the island counter. I find it a bit hard to look at him without thinking about that thing before.
Could I ask Natalie about that? Maybe I could google it first.
"Why are you blushing?" He asks, in a wickedly amused and low voice.
"I'm not." I force my chin up and my eyes to his. I can feel the blush getting stronger. "What are we doing today?"
He smirks. "Jogging."
That blush starts to die pretty quickly. "Kay."
"No sign of your new clothes yet. Here." He holds out the bundle which is another sweat shirt. "I want this one back though."
I take it from him with a sly grin of my own, conscience of the other two in the next room. "Then you'll have to take it from me."
I slip it over my head and when my head pops out I almost stumble back. He'd crept right up to me with that Guardian stealth, looking down with that contemplative look. "I might just do that."
Then he strides away to the back door. I exhale, long and slow and follow him out.
"Oh my god." I wrap my arms around myself. I'd put on two tops for working out but now I'm thinking I should of put on three. "It's freezing."
All of the scattered thoughts are chased right out by the cold, leaving me with a clear head and a keen awareness of the functional aspects of my body. Like stepping side to side to keep warm.
"You'll be grateful for it soon." Dimitri says and the grass crunches underfoot as I make my way over to him. "Warm up and then 2 minutes on 1 minute off."
The first lap isn't as hard as before, it's by no means pleasant but there is something nice about the frigid air biting my hot cheeks and already knowing my legs can do this and I just need to push. I don't collapse at the end like I want too but instead wait for his directions.
We move into rounds of burpees, I do a 'beginners' version, then squats, lunges and balancing. I don't need his hands to centre me even though I still shake but I don't fall.
"Lap 2. Three minutes on. One minute off."
"Shouldn't it be more rest time? We've been doing so much."
I already know what he's going to say before he says it.
"Stop whining." I scowl and he raises an eyebrow. "You can wait for me here if you like? You can also forfeit the bet too. I won't hold it against you."
Big Russian jerk
I resist flipping him off and take off running. He easily falls into step beside me.
This time I do collapse on the green. The grass deliciously cold. My thighs hurt. My butt hurts. But I push myself up before he can tell me to.
"What next?"
His face gives nothing away but I can tell he's pleased. "Round 2."
I want to let out every curse I've ever heard as I move through them, remembering to breathe like he showed me and not caring that I'm coated in sweat and trembling involuntarily. He doesn't need to tell me we're doing another lap, I already know it's coming and I'm not confident about it at all.
"One minute on, one minute off."
"Are you just making up the lengths as you go?" I grumble.
He gives me a steady look as his chest rises and falls. "I do know what I'm doing believe it or not."
"You always know what your doing." I mutter under my breath, last night flashing to the front my mind unwarranted and unexpected. Thank god I'm already dishevelled.
"What was that?"
"Giving myself a pep talk." I smile.
"Mhm. Stop stalling."
He's teasing but I want something to throw at him. We take off for the third round and my lungs feel made of brittle ice. He makes me do less reps on the grass but it's still so hard and I fail holding my planks, actually growling in frustration.
"Your supposed to fail. The goal is until failure." He reminds me.
"Yeah well, my failures come quicker than yours."
I sit up and rub out a cramp at the back of my thigh but it seems to get worse and I whimper.
"Lie back." He instructs, throwing aside the water bottle he was draining. I eye him curiously but do as I'm told. He squats down and take my ankle into his hands. "Keep your leg straight as I push it back toward you."
He lifts it and I hiss.
"Breathe around it. Relax." I close my eyes and force myself to follow his instructions. "Good."
He inches my leg back toward me and every time the tight, sharp pull of my muscle makes me want to let out feral noises. I clench my teeth and breathe. Little by little the tightness eases and when I open my eyes my knee is near my chest, my ankle resting on his shoulder.
"Other leg now." He says quietly and we switch.
This ones worse, oh my god it's so much worse.
"Have you been stretching?"
I glare in response to the accusatory tone. "Yes."
"Your very tight." He murmurs and then blinks rapidly like he said something or realised something.
"What was that look?"
"Nothing."
My glare narrows. "What-"
I hiss as he moves my leg back further, nearly arching off the ground.
"Hold it, breathe."
It's like a hot poker scraping down the tendons. After what feels like hours it eases and I relax against the ground. He pats my leg and releases it.
"Bath later with salts."
"Yes sir." I mutter and then realise something vital. "Dimitri, I don't think I can get up."
He chuckles and holds out his hands to me, hauling me to my feet. I stamp a few times to get some feeling going.
"You need to let go of my hands." He murmurs.
I look down to where I'm gripping his fingers.
I immediately let go. "Sorry."
"Don't be."
The back door opens and Natalie shouts out. "Are you done yet? I wanna say bye and yano, eat. Holy balls it's cold."
"Holy balls?" I repeat, laughing and she sticks out her tongue.
She looks over her shoulder and I guess someone's talking to her before she turns back to us. "Ben wants to know if one of you will bury him out there? And if not we all need to stop SHOUTING."
I basically stagger toward her with Dimitri shadowing and step up into the toasty kitchen. Ben has his head in his hands with a glass fizzing on the counter in front of him. Spiridon leans against the sink with glee all over his stupid face. Ben looks up as we come in and I feel a streak of sympathy before a small laugh leaves me. He looks utterly miserable. "Aw, Ben."
His bloodshot eyes look behind me. "This is your fault."
"How is this my fault?" Dimitri asks deadpan.
"Could you not have cut me off after the fifth tequila? Or yano, the seventh?"
"I don't think I could of. You were a man on a mission."
"Seven?" I ask excitedly.
"Ten." Ben moans.
"Twelve actually." Dimitri corrects and Spiridon laughs. "You and Tasha had a bet."
"Did I at least win?"
"Yes."
Ben looks slightly hopeful. "What was it?"
Dimitri grins. "A beer."
We all laugh as Ben goes a sickly shade of green and moans.
"I heard you singing when you came home." I supply helpfully and he mutters something in either Russian or German.
"You need to run it off." Spiridon says, coming to grip Ben by the shoulders
I pull out some more bottles of water and milk. I place a bottle in front of Ben, hand one to Dimitri and start chugging the last.
"Let me die first." Ben responds.
Natalie is pulling out cereal boxes and bowls. "I know a hangover cure. Raw eggs and Tabasco sauce."
There's a bang as Ben lets his head hit the counter, the muttering getting faster.
I reach for a box of cereal but catch Dimitri's eye, who shakes his head, and with a huff I grab for the bran flakes instead of the one I want. Why did he hate sugar so much?
"Do you want any cereal?" I ask Ben.
"Or a big greasy cook up?" Spiridon supplies.
Ben suddenly sits up and punches him on the arm with a loud thud. "Go drown puppies or whatever it is you do."
"Aw." Natalie whines.
Spiridon, undeterred grabs him by the shoulders and pulls him toward the back door. "Run, throw up, water, food, tylenol and you're sorted."
"And then I'll fill you in on all the hazy details." Dimitri adds, causing Ben to cringe and us to laugh.
I haul myself up onto Ben's vacated seat and pour milk. "I feel so bad."
"You shouldn't have let him drink so much." Natalie says to Dimitri. "You're the responsible one."
I feel rather than see him stiffen. "Try to be but sometimes I'm off duty."
Natalie scoffs. "Can't imagine it. Hey, where did you two go yesterday?"
I keep my eyes on my cardboard cereal. "A canyon trail. We watched the sunrise on a hike."
"Oh. Fun." Natalie says with forced enthusiasm and the urge to argue claws up my throat.
"I'll shower and take you to school." Dimitri tell her and leaves the kitchen.
"Sunrise?" Natalie asks, as if Dimitri's absence means I can now speak freely.
"Yeah. It was really cool." She makes a face. "Just because you hate the sun doesn't mean we all do."
"Whatever your in to." She sings. I search for change in topic but she beats me to it. "Thank god I only have two days of school then on Saturday we can go shopping for Christmas."
Oh yeah, Christmas is soon.
"What do we need to get?"
"Oh like, buying presents for people you want to buy for. It doesn't have to be big things, just like, small gifts of appreciation." I nod, remembering some stuff from TV and what Dimitri had said. "We can decorate here too if you want? I mean we don't spend Christmas here but I think it would be nice for you to experience it."
I force myself to shrug. "We don't have to do that. It'll be nice to just...see it."
She smiles sadly and then, like a light being turned up her smile gets bigger. You can really tell when an idea hits her. "I know! We'll do a friend Christmas. Like a sleepover in the living room and do gifts, hot chocolate, then spike the hot chocolate, wine – oh my god yes. Then we can decorate and get a tree."
It still doesn't make any sense to me to bring a tree in the house but her excitement is infectious.
"Then there's also Thanksgiving. It's the last Thursday of this month."
"Do we do presents then too?"
"Nope, just eat A LOT. Last year daddy and I went to the Dragomir's so I think they're coming here this year."
I consider this. "I'm going to have to order a lot of food."
"Don't be silly you're not cooking."
"Then who is?"
"Caterers. Professional chefs. Not that your not a good cook! It's just, it is a lot of food. You should enjoy the day too."
"Okay. Feeling good about your test?"
She grins. "Kirova can kiss my ass."
"Does that mean yes?"
She laughs.
After breakfast I wish her luck and we both think better of a hug because my clothes are damp with sweat. Two shirts and a sweatshirt soaked the whole way through. It's impressive more than disgusting I think.
I point to the tupperware with her brownies and she tells me she'll ring me with the 'deets' for Saturday and we'll dial in Lissa to talk about Friends-Christmas. Victor comes down looking ashy with Dimitri supporting him. He's going to the school to feed and talk with the Novices.
I end up sitting down in the shower, my legs so exhausted I can't stand. Only when the water gets cooler do I make myself get out and put on the comfiest clothes I can find. I gather my laundry, which is starting to stack more with the workouts, and put on a load.
Ben and Spiridon come back from their run. Spiridon looking chipper and Ben looking a little better after 'he puked his guts up'.
"I'm not cleaning it." I tell them both and Spiridon laughs.
My clothes delivery comes and Spiridon has to help me up to my room with it all, thankfully with no nasty comments. I text into our chat to let Natalie know and she immediately replies asking for photos and opinions. Lissa tells her she's got five minutes before the test starts and to move her skinny ass.
I unbox everything, loving every single piece of material and the fact they're two sizes bigger than most of my other things. I lock my bedroom door and try everything on, getting stuck on one item for a very long time.
I turn in the mirror for the billionth time looking at myself in the dress Nat insisted we order. How the black material accentuated my curves and made my legs look longer. It's strapless right now but it came with thin little bits of material that could be attached. The heart neckline gently holds my breasts up and I can't stop looking at them. I can't stop looking at myself. I pull my hair up, let it down and fan it out. I stand on tip toe and turn slowly.
Natasha might have a silver top but I have this dress...but when the hell was I going to get to wear it? I could hardly wear it to do chores. This dress is special.
I wear it for as long as possible, reluctantly taking it off and then bravely approaching the black and pink striped boxes. I delicately remove the items from their tissue paper and satin bags. I stare at them for a very long time then lock myself in the bathroom to try them on. The bedroom is too big even though that doors locked too.
It's one of the scariest things I've ever done. I look at the mirror and look away, wrapping my arms around myself and then forcing them to my sides and then they twist back again without my permission. I sit down for a little while beside the bath and make myself breathe, the way he taught me, this is like any other exercise I tell myself. This is like any other challenge and I'm here alone facing it, safe in the bathroom with two doors and two locks away from anyone else.
I haul myself up and make myself look.
Emotion wells up hard and fast, clogging up my throat and I remind myself to breathe around it. I look like temptation incarnate. I look like everything I used to fear about myself.
I love how I look and it terrifies me.
Slowly I allow the same treatment to these items as I did the dress. Running my fingers over the body I've been in for nearly eighteen years that seems incredible foreign to me right now, seeing how much it's really changed. Admiring it not hating it. Not waging war with it.
I allow myself to cry because no one but myself can use it against me and after there's less weight on my chest. A relieved, happy laugh leaves me and I twist and turn and pose in the mirror. Carefully and reluctantly I put them away, back into their treasure chests. There are other sets, practical ones, and I love them nearly as much. Just having them is ground shifting, mind altering, as it's another restraint cut away that I hadn't realised had been gripping me.
Hours later Dimitri and Victor return home as I'm emptying the dryer. Victor tells me he's already eaten at the Academy and wants to discuss the days events with the boys. I leave them to it, curling up in the library where I manage to get the fire going without smoking out the room or hurting myself.
I curl up on the armchair, away from the chill of the window and crack open my book. The boys could get their own dinner, I'm too tired out to face cooking. About an hour later there's a gentle tap on the door and Dimitri steps in. I give him a small smile that take most of my energy.
"Are you okay?" He closes the door behind him.
"Tired." I murmur. More than just physically.
"Have you eaten?"
I shake my head and he radiates disapproval. "I've been busy."
"Oh?"
I chew my lip. Somehow saying that I've been busy trying on clothes and crying about it doesn't sound like a good excuse. So I don't say anything and look back down at my book.
"I'll be right back." He says so quietly I can't tell if he's angry or not.
He returns with a very packed turkey sandwich, a protein bar, an apple and hot chocolate for both of us.
It hits me like a smack in the face he's the second person to care if I eat or not. I nearly start crying all over again. That earlier episode has put a crack in my hardened resolve to not be weak. I swallow against emotion and use putting the book down as a moment to steal myself before taking the tray from him.
"Thank you."
"Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"
My cup of hot chocolate pauses at my lips. "I don't know. Nothing's wrong. Nothing's happened."
He takes the other armchair and stretches out his long legs, crossing at the ankle. "Did you light the fire?"
I hum and begin eating. He tells me the first time he tried to light a fire it had taken hours and he'd been in the woods with six other boys. I feel him watching me but I can't meet his eyes so focus on eating everything he's brought, realising how ravenous I am. I'd only had cereal today.
'Only', what a greedy word.
I set the tray aside onto the side table, with only the protein bar left on it. My fingers curl around my warm drink, seeking comfort from it.
"Please don't make me worry about you eating." He says quietly.
"I wasn't trying not to eat. I didn't realise I was hungry. I didn't realise how long it had been. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry. Just eat."
I feel him watching me, waiting me out but he doesn't realise I'm the best at this game. I could go weeks without speaking.
He cracks. "Please tell me what's wrong. Is it me? Is it this?"
That snaps my gaze to his. "No."
His tone sizzles with impatience, "Then please tell me. There's too much time in the day when we can't say what we want to each other."
I turn to the fire, watching the wood burn and snap. "It's stupid."
"Humour me then."
I swallow and force my cup into my lap instead of using it to guard my lips. "My new clothes came. It overwhelmed me and I didn't really expect it to. I feel guilty and I thought I was past feeling like this after being here for so long but I'm not." I hate that my voice cracks in places, hate that I have to force my eyes on the fire to try and sear the wetness out of them. I wave to the tray. "Even that makes me feel so bad but so...grateful. I feel raw. I feel too much."
I expect a long silence.
"It will sneak up on you sometimes. You are going against years of what you were taught, of what you what you had. The perimeters of your world blew open in a single night. It's okay to be overwhelmed but it's never going to be taken away from you, everything you've gained. I promise."
I tuck my legs up. "Do you always know the thing to say?"
"No. I...getting out from under my fathers rule, his presence over my life even when he wasn't there, took some adjusting. I had to learn to accept different things and adapt to a new normal. It is no way the same as what your going through but some of it I can relate too."
"Like what?" I ask quietly.
"Like trusting someone who wants my honest opinion and it's not a trap, that there aren't consequences. Like kindness doesn't come at the cost of being used later to justify why you got a black eye. Like something bad happening and being told you caused it, that your memory of it isn't right, told how you instigated it and asked for it to happen so you doubt and don't trust yourself any more. Things like that."
The firelight casts shadows on his face so it's all closed planes and angles. He's seeing things that are far away and talking to me in a removed voice. I set aside my mug and he looks up as I stand, only to tug his arm aside so I can climb into his lap and rest my head in that safe space of his shoulder. The door isn't locked but I don't care.
"I wasn't trying to make you feel bad for me." He murmurs into my hair and I know he means it. "It's about adapting and not going back to accepting less than your deserve."
"Everything feels like more than I deserve." I admit and curl my fingers into his chest.
His arms tighten. "Adapt to not accept that."
"I'm sorry you had to adapt too."
He leans his cheek against my head and we sit there in silence with the fire cackling for a long time. Only when a creek on the stairs sounds do I untangle myself but he doesn't let go of my hand. Footsteps in the hall get closer as he bends to brush his lips against my knuckles. He drops my hand in the last seconds before the door swings open and Ben steps in.
"You okay, kid?"
I make myself smile. "The last few days are catching up with me. And I didn't eat enough today. Dimitri's told me off about it."
"And he'll keep doing it if you forget." Dimitri says, seemingly at ease in the chair. Not bothering to stand or turn to look at Ben. So good at lying.
Ben's face creases in concern. "You need to eat."
I roll my eyes. "I know. I was just too tired because some crazy Russian man made me run laps around a lake."
"Who would do that?" Dimitri says.
"Report him." Ben advises.
Now I'm not trying to smile. "Are you feeling better?"
"Tons." Ben winks. "Dimitri actually took part last night for a change. Let that hair down, literally."
Dimitri stands and rolls his neck. "And it probably won't happen for another few years."
Ben hums and leans against the door frame. "I don't know. Something's definitely loosening you up."
"Well it wasn't twelve shots anyway."
Ben laughs and Dimitri makes his way past him, clasping his shoulder and disappearing. I grab the tray and Ben immediately takes it from me, ignoring my protests and tells me to go get an early night because I'll need it. Crazy Russian man being around and all.
The next day I feel a little better and jogging helps clear the hanging fog in my head. We managed four minutes on and one minute off twice. Dimitri doesn't push me for conversation and I'm grateful. Ben however hovers around telling me jokes and makes me watch an animated movie with him which does make me laugh, mostly as him.I untangle myself when he proposes doing a puzzle to shut myself in my room, digging out the chocolate I'd stashed after Halloween. I've gotten through half when my phone starts vibrating, scaring the crap right out of me as it usually does.
"Hello?"
"Evening Hot stuff." Natalie greets.
"Hi!" Lissa's voice greets.
I relax back against my pillows, hitting the speaker button like Nat showed me so I can use my hands.
"It's nice hearing your voices." I say.
"Is something wrong?" Lissa asks.
"Having a post party come down? We had a busy few days there." Nat says.
"Yeah, maybe. How were the tests?"
"Okay." Lissa says but sounds uncertain. "I can never tell how I've done in Lit. Feel like I'm talking rubbish half the time."
"Lit is talking rubbish and just justifying it." Nat retorts. "Calc was bullshit."
"You'll do fine." Lissa soothes. "You always do."
"I doubt I can argue or make up the credit for this one. I don't know, bah. I don't care. Lets talk about something else. How's training camp, Rose?"
"Sore." I admit instantly. "But good. It clears my head. I just need to stretch more."
"Get all nimble and bad ass." Nat says.
"That's amazing." Lissa enthuses. "Do you feel stronger or like, your getting better?"
"Yeah. I'm getting faster. I have, um, a bet with Dimitri I'll be able to beat his time round the lake."
"Wow, ballsy." Nat laughs.
"What will you win?" Lissa asks excitedly and I grin at her choice of words. Like it's already a sure thing.
"To be decided." I pop chocolate into my mouth.
"Hmmm what could we ask for." Natalie ponders.
I'd thought about asking for the shirt he was wearing at the time but I think I might be able to get without a bet. I think.
"What about your, uh, training?" I ask Lissa.
"Oh my god it's so hard. Obviously I'm already stunted enough with not having specialised." Natalie makes a chastising noise that she ignores. "But I can manipulate the others enough well enough but I nearly set fire to my hair and dropped this bubble of water on Christian...he looked like he'd wet himself."
"And he still likes you?" Natalie laughs.
"Well, he's coming by later with flaming cheeto's so I think so."
"Snacks are the way to the heart."
"What are we doing tomorrow?" I say, watching the chocolate melt between my fingers.
"Oh yeah! So the Mall is open to 11 so we'll get there for like 8. Daddy's coming to the Academy for meetings so you'll pick us up and the boys will take us."
I nod then realise she can't see me. "Okay, sounds good."
"Rose, remember to bring your tote and your wallet...and your phone."
"My what?"
Nat sighs like she's in pain and Lissa answers. "The cute black bag, with the chain."
"Oh, oh right. Okay."
"OH! Did your new stuff fit? Do you love it?"
My throat constricts and I have to clear it. "Yeah, yeah I love everything."
"Everything?"
"Yes, everything."
"Well, that good." Lissa says glazing past my tone. "You'll have a thanksgiving outfit and stuff for winter break."
"Rose hasn't seen snow before! We're going to have to do everything Liss and then we'll have Friend-Christmas before we go."
"Friendmas." Lissa amends. "Should we invite more people or just us three?"
"Us three." Nat and I in unison, the whole hungover cleaning fiasco fresh in our minds.
"Awk shit, there's a pool at the Lodge and I didn't get you a costume." Natalie says.
"Well, if only we were going to a Mall tomorrow." Lissa says drily.
Natalie and Lissa fill the conversation with feedback and other gossip from the party. Mostly who hooked up with who, who got caught by teachers having another party after, and Mia and Aaron having a big fight. It also seems that those words about me being Victors Bloodwhore had been circling which makes Natalie rant for ten minutes straight.
"If I bury her in the snow maybe no one will find her." She seethes. I find it amusing that Natalie's 'her' is Mia, where mine is Natasha.
"I'll help." I say, the first contribution in nearly an hour.
"I'll be the alibi." Lissa quips. "I seem to be able to get away with a lot more than you two."
"Yeah, what the hells that about?" Natalie wonders.
It's another hour before they hang up and realising the time I race downstairs to make dinner. Pasta. Pasta is quick and easy. The waters just coming to a boil when the back door opens and Dimitri steps in, cheeks pinched with the cold.
My eyes narrow. "Are you cheating?"
"Pardon me?"
"Cheating. Were you jogging without me?"
He keeps his expression neutral as he prowls around the island and I go deathly still. He leans over to pinch some of the parmesan I'd grated which means being able to whisper right into my ear.
"I don't cheat." He lingers for a second in which I don't breathe and then steps away, popping the cheese into his mouth. "What are we making?"
This whole, feeling like I've been hit around the head thing he can do to me is really inconvenient.
I exhale as quietly as possible. "Fettuccine alfredo."
The water boils and I turn off the heat, contemplate the size of the pot and turn to him. "Could you drain this? Please?"
He pushes up his sleeves and we rotate positions. I try to be subtle about watching how the muscles move in his arms. I pull out my phone and tap on the playlist I've been working through. I pour a whole tub of double cream into a pan. The thing about feeding three Guardians, one Dhampir and Victor was to triple the measurements when cooking. Quadruple when Natalie is around. I'd looked up Thanksgiving dinner recipes and the standard menu...that much cooking would take me all day to feed these people. I tell Dimitri this and he laughs.
"Half the day and most of the night." He agrees. "Maybe less if you allowed me to help."
"I'm allowing you to help right now." I point out.
"I'm grating cheese."
"Well, that's the most difficult part and lifting a huge pot of water. Stop eating it!"
I try to hit him with the tea towel but he slides out of reach. "Xуй."
Dick.
"I didn't teach you that." He says.
"Ben did." I say smugly.
"Plokhiye slova iz krasivogo rta."
"What?"
He smirks and I scowl, tossing in peppercorns to the sauce mix. I might have went a bit crazy with the cream. "He also taught me 'Zhopu porvu margala vikoliu'".
His face goes blank and someone laughs from the entry. We both look at Ben who has his fist in front of his mouth.
"What did I say? You told me to say that to Spiridon, what is it?"
He laughs harder. I whirl on Dimitri. "What did I say?"
He can't seem to recover enough to use his words or he just doesn't want to.
"Ben!" I demand.
Ben wipes his eyes and leans against the island. "One of our old teachers used to shout it at us. You said, 'I'll rip your ass and poke out your eyes'. I don't think Dimitri deserves that though."
My jaw goes slack and he cracks up again. "Why would you have me say that?"
Ben's laughing so hard his face has gone red. I point my spoon at him. "Xуй!"
I turn to Dimitri, "And what did you say to me?"
"I feel too insulted to explain." He says neutrally, popping more cheese into his mouth.
I turn back to the sauce muttering to myself about stupid boys and add more cheese before Dimitri eats it all.
Ben does his usual job of putting out the plates and cutlery when he's done laughing like an idiot. Spiridon appears as Dimitri helps stir the pasta as I pour in the heavy sauce and I pray it doesn't make anyone ill. Victors eating in his office so formalities are out the window, Ben takes his food downstairs and Spiridon eats with me and Dimitri at the table. I've never been so irritated by his presence.
"Ready to fight me yet?" Spiridon asks, twirling his fork into his food. I look at Dimitri, unsure of who he's talking to.
"Spar." Dimitri corrects deadpan, probably for my benefit. "And give her time. Rose has one bet against me already."
"Oh?" He looks between us in excitement.
I set my chin. "I'm going to beat his time around the lake."
"Hmmm. Well you do have an advantage right now I suppose." I don't rise to it. "What do you win?"
Why is everyone so interested in that? "I don't know yet."
He looks to Dimitri and smirks. "What do you win?"
Dimitri looks thoughtful. "Medovyy ili ptichiy molochnyy pirog."
I glare at him. "Pardon?"
Spiridon snorts and spears his food. "Vashi serdtsa zab'yutsya vsem etim der'mom. Razve odnogo serdechnogo pristupa nedostatochno?"
"Would you like me to leave and you can both carry on with your conversation?"
"I'm sorry." Dimitri says. "We're being rude."
"I'm right though." Spiridon says, holding up his food contemplatively.
"Cook your own meals then." Dimitri says, taking a massive bite.
I wouldn't give them the satisfaction by asking what the hell they're talking about. "What time are we leaving tomorrow?"
"7." They both say in unison.
"Your off breakfast duty." Spiridon says.
I nod and put down my fork. I'd made the sauce too heavy and now I feel sick. I lift my plate. "Excuse me."
"Your not excused." Spiridon says, not looking up from his plate and I ignore him.
I clear up the kitchen and load up the dishwasher. I put the leftovers in some containers and leave them to cool. Back in my room I pull on his hoodie wanting something big to cover me and my bloated stomach.
I grin when there's a tap on my door a while later. "Come in. Sorry English is the only language I know how to say that in!"
Dimitri steps into my room and my smile dims when he leaves the door slightly open. "I'm sorry. It's not fair you didn't know what we were saying."
"Which was?"
He sits at the window. A safe distance away. I resist looking at the set of drawers he set me on last time he was in here. "Spiridon was concerned about my health and I said should be eating leaner."
"Leaner?"
"Chicken and vegetables."
"I made that the other night!"
"That's why I told him to make his own dinner."
"I did add too much cream." I grumble. "And what did you say? About the bet and before in the kitchen?"
"You'll find out when I win." He grins and I roll my eyes. "And in the kitchen 'Plokhiye slova iz krasivogo rta' means…Bad words from a pretty mouth."
His eyes flick to mine and that said mouth goes dry. The silence builds past the point where I could hace said something, anything, to avoid this. The air pressing in around us, pushing us toward each other.
"I wish you'd locked the door." I whisper.
Those dark eyes somehow get darker and he's utterly still, his fingers stop tapping against his leg. I feel like prey and in the best possible way. In a way that makes me want to provoke the predator.
He inhales deeply. "Well I didn't and we need to remember that."
Why didn't I kiss him last night in the library? When he was saying all the right things in the firelight.
I nod and make myself look away from him. "Are we training before we leave tomorrow?"
"How do your legs feel?"
I sigh. "Tired. Like the muscle is tired."
"Rest day then. Have a bath, add salts."
"I can't get the bubble bath right. It almost takes over the entire room."
He chuckles. "Now that is an adorable image." My body is traitorous, reacting to him thinking of me in the bath. Even though he'd meant it in the most innocent of ways… I think. "Keep blushing like that and I will have to remove myself from the room."
"Stop saying things like that then." I huff.
"Fair point." He stands and a wave of disappointment goes through me as he moves toward the door. "Ben and I are driving tomorrow. Ride with me?"
"Sure."
"Goodnight, Roza."
"Goodnight."
/
The next evening I spend more time than I ever have on getting dressed. Mostly because pantyhose are really complex and I nearly rip the material numerous times. I thought I'd feel naked in them but the material is compressing and solid black so it's just like wearing leggings. I pull on the skirt which fastens at my waist, the pleats falling to mid thigh and then a cropped jumper. All black.
I brush out my hair and add serum to the ends like Nat told me and put on lip balm that tastes like apples.
I have two new coats. One long and grey with a belt. The other short, black and puffy. I chose the longer one and lace up my boots.
I skip downstairs to the smell of coffee and everyone else already at the table.
"You look lovely." Victor smiles.
"Natalie's handy work with a credit card." Spiridon says and Ben kicks him.
Spiridon and Victor get into the car with Ben and I climb into Dimitri's. Their car takes the lead and as soon as a bit of distance gets between us I reach across and turn my hand up against his leg. His fingers slide into mine and squeeze. We drive in comfortable for twenty minutes and the turn into the woodland, taking the long road to the academy. He gives my fingers a squeeze before letting go as ahead large gates appear with Guardian's stationed at either side.
Exactly like Estonia.
Dimitri shows our documents and then we follow Ben's car up a long drive and the school comes into view, grand and imposing. We follow come to a stop at the front stone steps. Instantly Guardian's melt out of the shadows as Ben, Spiridon and Victor leave their car. One of the Guardian's get in and drives it away. Ben and Spiridon escort Victor inside and minutes later Ben comes back with Lissa and Natalie.
"Should I get in the back?"
"No, stay where you are."
The three of them climb in and our car makes the journey back, complete with having to show the documents again. I twist in my seat to chat to the girls, Natalie gives me outfit approval and Lissa asks if I made my gift list which I have. I'd been thinking about it until I fell asleep and then wrote it out when I got up.
When we get to the mall I'm practically bouncing in my seat in excitement, the only thing that throws me off is catching sight of Dimitri's face. The Guardian mask is on, as is Ben's. I hadn't seen it in so long it's unsettling and I immediately want to coax it off the both off them. The girls don't seem to notice and we link arms.
Even though I'd been in a mall and knew sort of what to expect, it's still a lot. White shiny surfaces, posters, moving screens with adverts, stores upon stores at every turn and not just for clothes. People everywhere and moving in every direction. Faint smells of fried food both salty and sweet floating to me from somewhere. I hadn't eaten breakfast yet, I point this out.
"We'll get food in a little bit." Natalie says, our commander. "We have lists and we need to start."
The boys are shadows at our backs.
We go to a boutique where both of them buy things for Camille. Natalie gets Victor a new shirt and tie from a shop that's so pristine I'm scared to touch anything. Lissa gets her mother a bracelet that's in a box so fancy it could be the gift. She gets her dad little gold studs for his shirt sleeves or something. I didn't have a great concept of money but even I knew I couldn't afford anything in these shops but I also hadn't seen anything I thought to get. My list is a lot shorter than theirs.
When we leave the fifth shop I finally spot one that I need to go into. Lissa reads my face and tells Natalie where we'll be and to come get us after she's done. I grip Lissa's hand and basically drag her toward the store displaying books. Ben strolls along beside us with eyes like a hawk.
The air in this shop smells of fresh paper.
"Maybe I could get Andre a self-help book. Adrian too." Lissa muses.
I drop her hand and let myself be lured in by the rows and rows, shelves and shelves of vibrant covers. I don't know where to start until I spot a sign on the roof saying 'Fiction' and it sets my course. 40 minutes later Ben is holding my basket as we wait in the queue and Lissa is sitting on a stool waiting, another bag added to her collection.
"I put the card in and then the pin?" I ask him.
He nods, eyes flicking back to Lissa. The girl scan my books and then tells me the amount. I think it's a lot but I'm not sure. I let out the breath I'd been holding in when she smiles mechanically, hands me a slip of paper and my bags that Ben immediately takes. Natalie and Dimitri come in just as we step over to Lissa. I sit down beside her as Natalie and him disappear.
"Where to next?" I ask.
Lissa is smiling and tapping away on her phone. "Uh, I think we're gonna get you a swimming costume and then food?"
"Okay."
Natalie approaches the register with Dimitri behind her. She puts her things through, chatting non-stop, and then hands the bag to Dimitri, who's also seems to be buying books himself. I grin thinking of westerns.
Outside Lissa says she needs to go somewhere quickly and she'll catch up with us. Dimitri breaks away to follow her and us three end up in a store with so many rails of clothes I feel suffocated. Natalie leads to me to a section that more or less is underwear made of weird material. She holds up scraps of black material to me, beaming.
I blink. "What the hell is that?"
"A bikini."
"Where's the rest of it?"
Ben snorts.
I shake my head. There's no way. Three triangles and string. No.
Her smile falters and she mutters something about not utilising what you got. "One piece then."
She comes back with something that has more material and red.
"Okay." I exhale and start toward the counter but she grabs my arm.
"You need to try it on. Over here."
"Here?" I screech and a woman turns to look at me, pulling her small child away.
Natalie is looking at me like I'm stupid. "Well yeah, try before you buy."
"But I got all those other clothes and tried them at home."
"Because you didn't get them in a store. Look it's fine, its a changing room with a door. I'll stand outside."
She starts dragging me toward a sectioned off bit and the clothes all start to press in around me. A woman gestures for us to go ahead and then Natalie pushes me into a small room with a mirror that won't let me hide.
I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
I'd fought and bled and screamed and clawed this far. I have further to go. Numbly I start removing my clothes. Inhale and exhale. It's just another exercise. Natalie doesn't knock or rush me. I am not taking the pantyhose off. I'd never get them back on. I navigate the weird slippery material and pull it up. There's padding around the chest and I have to manoeuvrer my breasts around so it all sits properly.
"How's it coming?" Nat asks through the door.
I look at myself and the fear ebbs away. "Uh."
"Can I come in?"
I can do this.
I unlatch the door and both her and Lissa slip inside. I cross my arms but neither laugh. Natalie's wearing her infectious grin and its annoying. Lissa gives me a tentative smile, the night of the party no doubt in her mind.
"I look stupid."
"Because you still have those on." Natalie says gesturing to my legs. "But are you kidding? Look at your boobs! I would kill for those."
I glance at the mirror embarrassed.
Lissa steps up beside me and adjusts the straps and the edges around my butt. "Rose, you have such a lovely figure. Be proud of it. See."
I force myself to look. Lissa rests her chin on my shoulder smiling genuinely and Natalie is not hiding the fact she's staring at my chest. Lissa clicks her fingers at her.
"Manners."
"Sorry." Natalie laughs. "I should buy you dinner first. I'm so jealous though. Please let me live vicariously through you with those. Ooh we all need to get a bikini wax too."
I don't even want to know what she's talking about now.
"Definitely get this one." Lissa says, squeezing my shoulders.
"Hot stuff." Natalie says, smacking my butt and I jump.
They leave and I make myself look again. It's more bearable than before...just like yesterday. I'd worn things with less material than this yesterday.
I peel it off and get dressed.
The Foodcourt is like the bookstore and I don't know what to do with myself. I go with Chinese and Lissa gets extra fries with her burger to share with me. Then we find heaven, the best store to have ever been built.
"Please have some restraint." Dimitiri says, as I grab a basket.
I turn to him, making sure the others have moved away, and lean up to whisper. "Don't tell me what to do."
Then I skip off into the bright, vivid aisles of candy that are piled so high I nearly walk into people at every turn. I spend sixty dollars and this is something that they all keep repeating and laughing about. Except Dimitri who looks defeated.
The last store is a make-up and I just let Natalie and a boy who works there tell me what I need and throw it in my basket. Such small things are very expensive but I'm quietly excited to play with it.
We pile into the car, all our bags stuffed into the boot by Dimitri and peel away from the Mall. Natalie has taken my spot up front so I'm in the middle between Lissa and Ben. Natalie takes control of the music and her and Lissa argue until Natalie declares she's found a song no one can complain about.
It makes me think of rain against the window and being warm inside.
'Oh, thunder only happens when it's raining, Players only love you when they're playing…'
Ben is humming under his breath and it makes me grin at him. "Not going to sing to us properly?"
"I don't know what you mean." He says coolly, making me laugh. "How was Tasha's class Vasilisa?"
Lissa tells him more or less the same thing she'd told us but Ben peppers her with questions and encouragement. I feel slightly guilty we hadn't done that.
"She's a really good teacher. Like she has the right balance between patience and telling you what you need to, like asserting it in a way I know I can do it."
"She's not one to take failure or no for an answer." Dimitri supplies from the front and Ben mutters something about having the hangover to prove it.
"How long have you known Tasha?" Lissa asks him and I meet Natalie's eyes in the mirror. She smirks.
"Since pre-school but we only became friends around sixteen/seventeen or so."
"And how long has she had the hots for you for?" Natalie asks casually.
"That's inappropriate." Lissa scolds.
"What? It's not like its a secret." Natalie says innocently, twisting in her seat and I keep my eyes straight ahead. Ben is laughing quietly beside me. "Do you like her?"
"Natalie!"
"Whaaattt? Spiridon thinks your being noble."
There's a beat of silence and I can feel Lissa cringing with me.
"I didn't realise my love life was so interesting." Dimitri finally says.
"So there is a love life?" Natalie springs.
"Natalie for God's sake."
"Would you become her Guardian and have the whole 'The Bodygaurd' vibe? Or stay with daddy and then she could move close by? I don't think you care about the stigma thing."
I've been pinching my fingers and start when Ben puts his hand over mine.
"So Thanksgiving is at the Dashkovs this year." Ben announces, forcefully changing the topic. "Do you know who's invited yet?"
Ben pulls his hand away and I try to imagine what that looks like to him, what the tell is telling. He knew she made me uncomfortable, being around her did. He's assuming I'm cringing just because she's we're discussing an Ozera which is only the half of it.
Natalie is staring at Dimitri trying to work him out but she finally relents. "Dragomir's. Daddy might invite more people I don't know. You'll probably know before I do. Are either of you gonna take it off? To eat with us or go do your own thing?"
They both say they're going to work and the rest of the ride to the academy is quiet save for the music.
I had assumed Nat and Lissa would be coming home with us but then I remember school is back to normal and all their friends are there. They promise they'll come stay next weekend. Ben hops out to grab their bags and Natalie asks if we'll put her stuff in her room at home. Disappointment courses through me as they walk up the steps with their arms linked with Ben close behind.
"Are you okay?" Dimitri asks quietly.
"Yeah" I sigh. "It just sucks I can't spend more time with them."
It sucks that I don't go to school.
I'd never thought about being at the Academy, being around so many people would have filled me with dread but after the party and seeing how much I missed out on, it fills me with a weird longing.
Ben comes down the steps two at a time and Dimitri pulls down his window.
"Testimonies are still going. I'm going to stay and travel back with them. You good with that?"
Dimitri thinks on it for a moment. "Yes, we should be okay."
Ben gives a sharp nod and looks into the back. "See you later, Rose."
I give a half hearted wave.
"Come up front." Dimitri tells me and I do. He starts fiddling with buttons and pressing the small screen on the dash.
"Is something wrong?"
"Just taking precautions." He says, moving the car forward.
It sinks in that it's the dead of night and we'll be travelling on deserted roads, through the forest. I remain quiet the whole way, too aware of how tense he is and his grip on the steering wheel. He relaxes when we turn into the long drive to the house. The dash lights up green signifying we're back inside the wards. When the car pulls to a stop he takes my hand to brush his lips against my knuckles and then gets out. The simple gesture leaves me stunned, Natalie's questions to him run through my head until he opens the back and starts taking out the bags. He refuses help and only gives me my stuff when we reach my room, then he disappears to take the rest to Natalie's. I'd only meant to hang my coat up in the closet but I end up sitting on my bed, thinking.
I don't hear him come in but the bed dips as he sits down beside me. I really hope he teaches me how to do that.
"Why aren't you with her?" I ask quietly, knitting my fingers together.
"Besides the obvious?" He says and the bland tone flares my temper.
I inhale through my nose. "You said it's not something I have to worry about but yet everyone is talking about it. How much she likes you, how much she can offer you... so I want to know why you aren't with her."
"Why I'm not with Tasha." He reiterates and then is quiet for a few minutes. Minutes in which I think he's wondering why himself and if this is something he needs to fix.
Finally he says, "I have been, tried to be, the best son to my mother, best brother to my sisters, the best student to my mentor and the best Guardian to my ward. My position here is under the terms of receiving a reduced salary in return for my families relocation. Tasha has offered to shoulder that, take on my family as her own responsibility in return for us beginning a relationship. A relationship meaning I would be a better brother and a better son."
I stare at the carpet and will myself to be still.
"I am not considering it. As selfish as that makes me."
Now I turn to him, perplexed and pushing away the dawning hope. "Why?"
He looks ahead, calm and resolute. "Because after I have been all these things to others, who or what am I to myself? What do I have? As selfish as it is, as much as it contradicts my vows to put them first, in this I won't. I won'tmake that choice for only others to benefit from it. I care about Tasha but she deserves better in this too. Then there's the obvious." He turns to me at last, expression soft and the hope crests, bursting through me in it's brilliance leaving me stunned. "That I'm sure of."
"I can't offer you anything." I find myself saying, trying to process the weight of what she could. He didn't want to be with her. He didn't want to be with her when she could give him everything that would help him.
His calm expression is touched by something I can't read. "I don't want to take anything from you. I never have. Well, except this." He leans forward and I tilt my head head, eyes closing. He kisses me gently as if what he's said has made this delicate between us. "That is more than enough."
He doesn't understand what I mean. I would give him everything he needed if I could but I can't because I don't have anything to give.
"Are you still okay with this?" He asks quietly.
I pry my hands from each other and take his warm one. "Yes."
"Okay." He links our fingers and stands, tugging me up. "Lets get started on dinner. You are in dire need of proper nutrition."
"There were vegetables in my breakfast." I protest, following him out. The tension ebbing out of my body although my mind is still trying to digest the conversation.
"That doesn't count and you know it."
"Says you."
"And am I not the trainer?"
I roll my eyes. "Know it all."
In the kitchen we fall into an easy flow, basically clearing out the entire vegetable drawer in the fridge. He preps chilli's, spring onions and garlic, throwing them into a pan with sesame oil. I add the steak pieces and start chopping the peppers and mushrooms. We decide to experiment with the sauce throwing honey into the soy, sprinkling in some chilli.
He takes control of the music after I play the same pop song three times over.
"What is this?"
"Actual music." He grins.
"Ah, as opposed to the fake music I've been listening to. How silly of me."
"The 80s are my favourite. Pass the tongs, please."
"Is this enough food to feed everyone?"
He shrugs. "I should say so unless - what are you doing?"
The spoon pauses on it's second trip to my mouth. Damn it. "Uh. Having a snack." He turns fully and crosses his arms. I'm glad the island is between us. "The rice is taking forever to boil."
He starts to move, slow and purposeful steps around the island toward me. I match that, going the opposite way. "Put down the chocolate spread."
"No."
"You really have no patience do you?"
"Why is it about patience? Where's the rule that says I can't eat snacks before dinner?"
He reaches the spot I'd just been in and I reach his.
"I'm more concerned about you, against all odds, developing diabetes or rotting your teeth."
"My teeth?" I run my tongue over them and his eyes follow the movement. The rice starts boiling behind me. "Well, I think, life's about...risks I suppose."
His eyes narrow as I dig the spoon in deeper. I lock eyes with him as it starts to travel to my mouth. And then he moves, so fast he's half way around the island before I can react. I let out a short scream and try to escape. I don't get far.
One arm clamps around my waist and I defiantly hold the tub out of reach.
"Give me the jar." He purrs into my ear.
"No."
"Please?"
"Nope."
He sighs. "I guess we're at a stalemate then."
"So?"
"So I guess we stay like this."
I laugh and try to wriggle away but his hold tightens. "Are you serious?"
"The rice is going to overflow. Put down the jar."
I huff. "No."
"How are you getting out of this?" He taunts.
I try to make my voice even but all I can think about is how he's pressing against me. "Maybe I don't want to."
He chuckles and heat licks up my spine. "Well, if you did want to – you would drive your elbow back into my stomach or ribcage, then knife strike." He holds out his free hand to show me it, flat and rigid. "And drive that into my groin which would me make me double over and you'd throw me over your hip."
I blink. "Wait – say all that again." I shove the chocolate spread onto the nearest counter and he walks me through it, this time pressing his forearm lightly against my throat. "Do you still want me to not be polite about it?"
"I'd really appreciate it if you were in this case."
We go through it again and when I get out of the hold, propelling him in front of me, I'm so full of excitement that when he turns back to me with something like pride on his face I can't help it, I hurl myself at him. He catches me and it's natural, easy, to lock my legs around him and bury my face against his neck. I think I'd intended on a hug and somehow climbed him.
"Thank you." I say against his throat.
It's more than just showing me moves to defend myself. It's years of looking at the ground, lying still, trying not to make a sound, trying to not benoticeable, trying to disappear because the consequences might be a slap or a fist or a belt or whatever tool you were using turned on you. And when dealt the consequences you still had to be quiet, look at the ground and try to disappear. Ignoring every instinct in your body to fight or to run. He's showing me how to do both.
His hold tightens. "When we're done the world will adapt to you."
A bubbling followed by a hiss breaks through the moment and we both look at the pot on the stove. He sets me down and attends to it. I help plate our dinner and try to ignore the thoughts wanting attention, the feeling coursing through me. We eat in the living room and unlike the first time we did this months ago I don't pay attention to the movie or TV show or whatevers on.
"When are they coming back?" I ask, pushing a piece of steak around.
"I'm not sure. I'll check in with them soon. Victor will likely have dinner with Natalie seeing it's late."
I should be soaking up every minute we're alone together but it's like the minutes are just slipping by, barrelling toward when we won't be. "Out of curiosity, and please don't think I'm incenting a challenge, how long do you think it will take you to eat all your candy?"
"Two days, maybe three." He's shaking his head. "Uh, you have chocolate hid all around this house."
"I'm surprised you haven't sniffed it out yet."
"Now you are setting a challenge."
He laughs and I feel the same amount of pride as I did when he took me through the defensive moves.
"If you find it, it's yours." I start assessing the living room, looking for potential hidey holes. "Just warning you that if you turn up to training ill that's on you. If your sick we still push through it. Look at Ben."
He had to run hungover and that seems a bit like torture. Although, it had made him feel better.
"Even if I pull the 'anything I want' card?" I pop a steak piece in my mouth and peek at him.
"There are limitations."
"Since when?"
"Since we're being careful." He says in that calm but unyielding tone. "And training is non-negotiable."
Acknowledging the two separate worlds we have is strange. "Yeah I know."
He puts his plate down and turns to face me. "I think we should discuss the considerations we've been avoiding."
My stomach sinks. "Do we have to? I only asked about Tasha because everyone else was and I think I'm the only person that deserved an answer."
"You are."
I give up using my empty plate as a means of distraction and set it down too. I tuck my legs up under me. "Okay. Go."
He rests his head against his fist, a slight tilt to his lips but his eyes are serious. "There's the obvious that if we make this known that I could be fired or relocated or, potentially, you could be. Relocated I mean."
I absorb this. "Because… because your a valuable asset and he wouldn't want to lose you."
"Potentially." No arrogance.
"And the less obvious?"
"Well, the less obvious is about you and what you want." I must look as confused as I feel so he carries on. "Rose, you can't talk about this with your friends like you would if you were dating someone your age, a peer. We can't make plans easily. We can't go on dates. We have to be careful when others around, going against what we want to do or say. I don't want you to miss out on anything or turn down experiences because of me. With us, with me, you have to lie."
"I'd rather lie to everyone for something that feels the most real to me. Something important."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"If you change your mind, if you start to feel differently I don't want you to feel trapped."
I glare at him. "I think I know what feeling trapped feels like and I would never feel like that with you."
"I didn't mean- I just don't want you to ever feel limited in what you have."
His words had started to irritate me but as they sink in I realise what he's getting at. This is about him thinking he's not enough for me. That he'll not cause limitations but that he is one. It also dawns on me that right now I could say I didn't want this with him any more and he would accept it and that pisses me off.
I move closer to him and he regards me steadily. "I want this. I haven't felt guilty once. I want this to be between us and I don't care about lying for it."
"Even to Lissa? To Natalie?"
I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. "Yes. You said you were sure...but what if you change your mind? What if you regret not taking her offer?"
"I won't" He says with absolute resolution. "I told you that this, with you is the most I've felt in years without it being...destructive."
"Destructive?"
He gets that far away look on his face again. "I'll tell you about it one day but not now."
I nod, not pushing. "So, we're okay?"
He exhales, tension leaving his shoulders. "We're okay."
I pull a strand of my hair between my fingers, grinning. "You're wrong you know, about dates. The sunrise was a date."
His lips twitch. "It was?"
I refuse to be offended by his surprise. "Yes and it was the best."
His expression softens and I savour it, I'm the only person he looks at like this. It's really something how can transform so subtly, the cold mask of a Guardian to this. My gaze drops to his lips and memories of how insistent they'd been the other night, how less restrained his touch had been and how I'd felt about it surface.
"Rose." He says, a warning laced in his voice.
"What?"
"We're in the living room with large windows."
"Don't you get an alert when the wards are crossed?"
"As if I'd notice." He says quietly, tempting me to lean in.
It had been a slow build up of want but now I crave him.
"Upstairs?" I suggest. He lets out a low groan, letting his head falls back and muttering in Russian. I couldn't explain why the reaction pleases me. "What?"
Dimitri's phone starts ringing and I scowl. He stands and pulls it out of his pocket, with an apologetic smile before answering, "White?"
I have never disliked Ben so much.
I try to watch the TV and when I can't do that I clear our dishes. In the kitchen he's talking in Russian, whether its easier or so I can't understand I don't know. Or maybe it's just the norm. He touches the small of my back as he passes and I hear him take the stairs. I clean up and box up the remaining food and put it the fridge. Outside his room I can hear him still on the phone so disappointedly I go into my own, making sure I close the door just hard enough that he knows I'm across the hall. We didn't have to worry about the windows up here.
It's weird how downstairs I was ready to crawl into his lap but now with space between us the anticipation swells and I start to get nervous. Would it be as … much as the other night? Would it go further? Did I want it to? Did I want to blaze past the boundary and maybe find a new one? What if there wasn't one? I'm also wearing more clothes. Would we take some of my clothes off?
I'm so worked up I rip into my candy. I'd been fine, more than fine, with just being in the t-shirt and he hadn't tried to take it off. Although he did say he would be taking it back if we carried on.
My tongue starts to sting from the sour sweets.
What if he had taken it off? What if he touched where that ache was?
I swallow the candy too soon and start coughing. I grab for my water. I wasn't scared of my body when I was with him but I'd had a melt down by myself, loving how I looked but being a bit afraid of what it meant. I could perpetuate fears by myself but with him... I trusted him.
I lock my bedroom door and grab one of the boxes from the bottom of my closet, not wanting to think it all through because if I did I could talk myself out of it. I put on the scariest thing I own and then I put on the most comforting. I creep out into the hall. I can't hear him talking any more. I run back to my bathroom to brush my teeth before going back.
What if they were coming back soon?
Well then he'll tell me and we'll just go to bed like normal.
I don't knock but open it a fraction and slip inside. The bedside lamp is the only light in the room and it looks like he'd been rifling through his desk drawers. Dimitri stands near the window, his side profile showing me his arms crossed his phone pressed against his chin in thought. He looks up as the door clicks.
"I thought you'd gone to bed."
I take a deep breath. "I wanted to give you your shirt back."
And before he can say anything or my nerve could go screaming out of the room, I reach down and pull it over my head.
/
*Dimitri's POV loading*
-At the dinner table Spiridon basically said that if Dimitri continues eating fatty foods he'll have another heart attack.