Temper me in fire

by voldobaby

AU: The world of Moroi and Dhampirs is very different, political turmoil has opened up a vacuum in which illegal and immoral actions can transpire, such as slavery of Dhampirs. Rosemarie Hathaway is born into slavery in Arizona. Her life revolves around tending to her chores and making herself inconspicuous. But that all changes when Mr.Dashkov and his Guardians arrive

54. Chapter 54

RPOV.

"Did I say bushy? NO, I said full skirt, like a ball gown, poofs out at the bottom and slimmer to the top." Natalie repeats, hands on her hips.

Spiridon looks to be literally biting his tongue but Ben tries to tackle the situation.

"This one is slimmer at the top!"

Natalie pinches the bridge of her nose. "No, no, no."

"Then go find your ball gown Christmas tree before I take this saw to myself." Spiridon growls.

We'd been looking for the right tree for forty minutes, even though I thought every tree looked like a Christmas tree, but Natalie had found something to criticize about every single one. Too fat, too short, too thin, too bushy, too 'eh', too lopsided, and too basic. Ben and Spiridon are being tested but the whole thing is so ridiculous to me I can't help but crack up every time I catch sight of their faces. I still don't see how it makes sense to have a 7ft tree in the living room.

Natalie flounces ahead into the maze and Spiridon mimes strangling her as he follows. Ben offers his arm to me and I take it. We'd already been to the Mall to get decorations and that was an experience. It had been so busy that Ben and Spiridon wouldn't let us walk ahead and if I'm honest I was kind of glad. Holding Ben's arm was the only thing that had kept the panic at bay. All the bodies moving around me at a rapid pace had made me dizzy.

I wish Dimitri were here, walking among all the trees with us, snow and pine, helping choose one but he's at the school. Today's the day he tells her.

I thought I'd be more worked up about it but I feel calm. I trust him completely but it's her and her games and her evil blood that I don't trust. I keep reminding myself that this is the first conversation and she couldn't expect a lot from him. We'd planned together that he should play on her guilt, her scheming, to hold her off and tell her they needed to rebuild their trust first. I didn't expect her guilt to be genuine but she would act like she was sorry because that would be the first stepping stone to get what she wanted.

I know he hates it too. He'd been running in the early mornings, unable to sleep and diving into more work that kept him busy in the basement until the afternoons. He hadn't stayed with me some nights because he didn't want to wake me, saying he couldn't settle. I didn't like sleeping without him but it gave me time to feel his absence and think about the things I hadn't told him, considering how I could.

The night before last when he'd come in and let me remove his shirt and pants after taking off his boots, I wanted to lift one thing off my chest. Literally.

I'd been in my spot, tucked into him as he lay on his back and fingers tracing patterns on mine.

"I used to wrap my chest." I told him quietly. "We used to think it would help make me invisible." He'd stilled, fingertips frozen on my spine. "I don't want to be invisible with you. That night I came into your room and I told you the difference between having a choice or accepting something – I didn't tell you that I wanted you to prove to me I didn't have to be afraid of the way I looked. My body isn't a weapon to be used against me. You made me feel safe when I should have been terrified and you made me realise that it isn't the way I look that is the problem. Stepping into your room like that was the scariest thing I've ever done and then quickly, it wasn't scary. The way I look should be appreciated without...pain."

With every word weight on my chest had fallen away, allowing my lungs to expand to a new size and I could breathe deeply.

He shifted to lean over me, dark eyes blazing but his voice held steady. "You should never have had to manipulate your body like that to feel safe. You should never have felt that kind of danger constantly and it kills me, it fucking kills me, to know that you did."

I traced his bottom lip with my finger. "The knife I had in the woods, I didn't have it just encase the mis – Moira would hurt me again. My mother took it so, well if we marked my face, it would be another way to hide. But just like with the bandages I don't think it would have mattered. I don't think evil is easily put off. A Guardian had taken more interest in me days before and she was scared for me."

"If we had of delayed by… a day, you would have -" He'd cupped my face, fingers curling on my cheeks as his gazes traveled over it until he shut his eyes and swallowed. I pushed myself up realising I'd seared more images into his head of things that hadn't happened but this time I hadn't meant to.

"Hey, I'm not telling you this to make you angry, to hurt you I just -"

"Hurt me?" He snarled, eyes snapping open. "Every day you feared being assaulted or raped or beaten, fuck you were assaulted, constantly, and to try and stave it off you were going to disfigure yourself. I should have fucking murdered them all -"

I gripped his face. "Dimitri, I am right here. I am okay. I'm telling you this because I am more than okay. I'm becoming so happy in my skin. I wanted to tell you because of the difference and I want you to know things about me. I want you to know everything about me...like I want to know everything about you."

The sunrise reflected in the depths of his eyes and his fingers circled my wrists, tugging them down to take my hands. "I don't deserve you. I don't. You deserve so much and to be so far away from the people that caused you pain but because of my ties, you're not rid of them. I can't stand the weight of that guilt when we lie here, and I hold you, when I've told you that you are everything to me and you have done more for me than you know. You know me better than anyone." There was an intensity in his face that lined up with his touch, his hands slid over my arms, gentle but underneath is a fierceness as if he was reassuring himself I was safe and whole in front of him. "I'm trying to find the right words but I don't think there are any. I need you to know that I don't take it for granted that you share so much with me. You're thoughts, your feelings, your fears, your wants, and your body, all these things you'd concealed for so long. I take none of it for granted and I never will. You are everything to me and I don't want you to ever doubt that you're not. I never, ever want you to feel that kind of fear again."

"Those are the right words." I murmured too stunned to say anything more.

I kissed him lightly. His dark eyes still cracked with anger and something akin to pain for things that can't be changed. So I kept kissing him until it faded and he kissed me until I wished I was in less than my pyjamas, until I'd started making noises louder than ragged breathing and my skin was feverish. I almost asked him to touch me, everywhere, but every time the thought came to my tongue it suddenly wouldn't leave it or his was sliding against it again, and I'd lose the thought altogether. His hands trailed careful paths over my sides, back and stomach.

When my lips were too swollen and his heart was hammering under my palm, he'd held my chin and said, "You belong to yourself. Your body is yours and you have full ownership and control of it. Nobody touches you without you wanting them to. You do not manipulate, submit or shrink for others. You belong to yourself and you wield yourself how you want to, unapologetically and without fear, and if anyone challenges this you will be more than ready to put them down."

The ghost of the bindings fell away, "The world will adapt to me?"

"Yes." He promised. "You will be the weapon."

Natalie squeals my name from ahead, knocking me right back into the present.

Ben sighs and pulls a face at me. "Can we just ditch them?"

"This is my first Christmas tree! We have to tolerate at least five more being insulted before we can leave."

His head falls back. "Fine."

I pull him toward Natalie's voice and Spiridon is asking her if she's sure, repeatedly. It is a very nice looking tree, as trees go. Human families filter past us and I watch a little girl hopping along holding her parents' hands as Spiridon and Ben bicker on the forest floor. Natalie provides unhelpful commentary. Spiridon says something to Ben that causes him to stand and give the tree a determined shove. There's a crack of wood and then the thing falls over with Spiridon under it.

"Oops." Ben says.

Natalie collapses in hysterics as Spiridon's boots kicking furiously from under the branches as he tries to crawl out. I'm grateful I pee'd before we left.

Lissa is waiting for us when we get back to the house. She's in a fleecy suit with a zipper at the front and holds up two matching ones from the sofa.

"I got us matching onesies!"

I excitedly take one from her, feeling the material and knowing I'm going to want to live in it. It feels so comfortable. She stomps on her snow boots and helps Natalie and I bring in the decorations whilst Ben and Spiridon wrestle the tree off the car roof.

A tree is coming inside the house.

We start unpacking the things we'd gotten at the mall and the Guardian that had been waiting with Lissa leaves without a word. To decorate the tree Natalie had bought red and white baubles: a mix of matt, shiny, some stripped in each colour, and porcelain candy canes to hang by white ribbons. A wreath made of fir, frosted berries, and pine cones for the front door, garlands with white ribbon and red berries to wrap around the bannister, 12,000 fairy lights, and candle holders to line up at the window. I can't help but be excited. I'd seen scenes of Christmas on TV shows and some movies but I couldn't imagine being in it.

Lissa helps me move the sofa over as the boys bring the tree inside and start fussing with the thing that's going to make sure it won't fall over. It involves screws and tools, so Ben tells Spiridon to hold it still and let him work.

"We didn't get enough." Natalie says, surveying our Christmas hoard.

"Are you kidding?" I ask and the plastic box I'd been trying to pry open splits, sending baubles bouncing.

"I knew you'd do this." Spiridon says, hands lost inside the branches as he tries to keep his face turned away from the pine needles.

"Do what?" Natalie demands.

"Doubt you can make this place look like a team of coked-up elves stormed through on their way to solve world peace." I look at Lissa and she shrugs. "It's going to look great so knock it off."

I expect Natalie to start bitching at him but instead, she nods and starts giving orders. Lissa has to remind her a few times this is supposed to be fun for me.

"Rose is having fun, aren't you?"

My hands are knotted inside a cord of fairy lights I'd been trying to unwind. "Uh, yeah?"

"See."

Ben secures the tree, three times before Natalie says it's straight, and then she hands Spiridon a groceries list.

He scans the paper and then lifts his eyes to hers. "Are you serious?"

I don't know how she does it, but her green eyes go big and pleading. "Please. I'll make sure you get an extra Christmas present."

He watches her for a moment and I expect him to crumple up the paper and bounce it off her head.

"Make sure it's cash." He says, grabbing his car keys and calling to Ben in the kitchen.

Natalie and I wind the lights around the tree, having to gradually move them higher, and she only makes me backtrack once. Ben sorts out the plugs and cords, making sure everything can reach a socket. Lissa wraps the garlands around the bannister and I help her go over it with lights. When we get to the bottom Ben hands us the batteries to put in the switch and when the warm light ignites Natalie screams and tells us to turn it off.

"Keep everything off until we're done! Rose needs the full effect."

"I'll full effect you in a minute." Lissa mutters causing me to giggle.

When Natalie tells us it's time to decorate the tree she hands us little expensive-looking boxes.

"What are these?" Lissa asks, pulling the ribbon of hers.

Natalie grins and bounces on the balls of her feet. I open mine. Inside the little brown box is a glass bauble that holds fake snow and gold leaves. Our names are engraved on them with the date.

"Nice touch." Lissa grins. "Let's put these on first."

I grab hold of Natalie and half strangle her with one arm. "Thank you. I love it."

"Wouldn't be an event without a keepsake! Rose, you're crushing me."

"Sorry." I mumble but I don't release her. She jostles me to drag Lissa into the tangle.

"Okay, moment over." Natalie says, shoving us away. "Tree to decorate, movies to watch - OH MY GOD, WHY ARE WE NOT LISTENING TO THE PLAYLIST?"

"Volume control, Natalie." Lissa winces.

"I have no such thing."

Soon the house is filled with Christmas music that demands happiness. Every song I think is my new favourite even though I can only remember some of the words and a piece of the tune. I catch myself stopping to appreciate the moments more than once. The music, putting all the baubles on the tree – taking it just as seriously as Natalie and laughing with them. Ben has to help when we start getting too short to reach the higher branches

Spiridon comes back laden with bags and Natalie skips off to the kitchen.

"This is fun." Lissa smiles. "Right?"

"Yeah, it is. Don't you do this every year?"

"No. Not since I was little. I spend so much time at school and we leave for the Lodge as soon as schools out so when we got older it seemed pointless."

"I want to do this every year." I murmur, a picture forming in my mind of a smaller living room being decorated, my own space, and the girls are there and Dimitri is making hot chocolates in a smallish kitchen. I didn't need or want a grand house. I let the fantasy play out, not quick to throw every piece of my imagination away now it isn't dangerous to want or dream.

"Maybe that could be our tradition then? We always do Christmas together, it might be tough to make it happen some years but we should – even if it means having it in November." She grins, adjusting a shiny bauble.

"Why would it be so difficult?" I step back to observe the tree. It didn't look complete yet, maybe it would when the lights are on.

"Well, Natalie and I will be at College next year and Victor might move to Court and who knows what you'll be doing – I mean that as a good thing! After tutoring, you'll have qualifications the world will your oyster. Plus you're going to have physical training under you. You could easily do something in the human world or get a job at Court. You could train people yourself or become a chef or...have you thought about what you might want to do?"

My head feels light. "I – no. I don't know what to do or how to think about it. Do I have to have it figured out before Victor moves? If he moves who lives here? And if you're both at college, I could visit right?"

"Yeah, of course you can! I didn't mean to spring something on you. I just...well I just want you to think about what you want and we'll help you go after it. Just think about what you enjoy and we'll go from there."

"I could make a list of things I like and then...could we look at jobs that match?"

Lissa lights up. "Yeah. Or more courses you could do if you wanted. You know as soon as you make a list Natalie will go into full Monica Gellar mode."

Laughter emanates from the kitchen and Natalie skips out. "We need to add the tree topper!"

Lissa rifles through the bags and pulls out a glittering golden snowflake. "Ben's the tallest right?"

"Yeah but Rose needs to put it up there." She calls over to Ben who's coming down the stairs. "Ben, can you lift Rose onto your shoulders?"

"Uh, sure but could you reach the top, kid?"

We all turn to the tree. It is exactly what Natalie wanted – wide and tall. On Ben's shoulder's I might not be high enough to reach over the branches.

"Lissa you should do it. You're taller." I say to her.

"Nope." Natalie says flatly. "Has to be you."

"Agreed." Lissa says.

Headlights swing into the living room and we all look out at Dimitri's SUV crawling into the snowy drive. My stomach flips and suddenly it's important to concentrate on triple checking the baubles are secure.

"Well, here comes your solution." Ben grins. He picks up the empty boxes. "I'll put these in the basement."

Car doors close and Spiridon is punching in the door code.

"Yeah, we'll probably donate all this stuff." Natalie says offhandedly. "Lissa, if he asks me things try and answer for me, kay?"

"Seriously?"

"I'm ignoring him."

"Donating to where?" I ask.

"Charity or a shelter I suppose."

The front door opens and cold air sweeps in.

"We were talking about doing this every year." Lissa tells her. "So we should keep some of it, no?"

Natalie frowns. "Decorating every year when we don't know where we'll be or what our schedules are like might not be realistic. We can deffo do Friendsmas though."

I'd be decorating every year. Even if it's just my bedroom.

"Hello, girls." Victor calls, shrugging out of his coat that Spiridon takes.

"Dimitri! We need you." Natalie sings, waving him forward.

I force myself to stop playing with the baubles like a captivated cat and turn. Sometimes, it's like being hit by a rock when I look at him and the only thought I'm left with is how handsome he is. He walks toward us, shrugging off his long coat, and his usual blank expression warms to something close to friendly. A smile tugs on my lips and I press them together.

"Could you lift Rose so she can put the snowflake on the top? Then we can light this place up!

"Happy to help." He says mildly. His eyes meet mine and my breath catches – it cannot be normal to react this way. Although out of all the ways I wanted to be normal I don't think this is one of them. "May I?"

I nod, not trusting myself to speak. He crouches and wraps an arm around my thighs and then lifts me onto his shoulder.

I fling out an arm for balance although it's unnecessary, his hold is secure. "Woah, this is high."

Lissa holds her hands to her eyes like she's trying to see a great distance. "How's the view?"

"You're all very small." I grin down at Dimitri. "No wonder you're so confident."

He manages to smile and Natalie passes me the ornament. "I'll tell you when it's straight!"

"Which means you'll be up there for at least half an hour." Spiridon calls from the foyer.

"We'll airlift you some snacks." Ben grins.

With Dimitri's height reaching the top branch is easy but what isn't is getting the thing to sit straight. It's even harder when my mind will stop concentrating on the task and instead on his hand on my thigh, then play the last time his face was this close to the apex of them, which it shouldn't be doing in a room full of people we're lying to.

It's exciting though.

"To the left just a little bit more." Natalie instructs.

I huff. "I can't reach any further."

"I have you." Dimitri says from beneath me and out of the peripheral I can see Ben hovering close by. Dimitri holds his other hand up for me to take for balance and I clutch it as I lean out further.

"STOP! That's it. Perfect." Natalie claps. "Now wait, stay there."

She darts away and snatches up her bag.

"Stay here?" I repeat, relaxing onto my perch. I don't let go of his hand.

Natalie bounces back with her phone. "Spiridon turns off the lights and Liss, Ben, flip the switches when I say."

"Yes, boss." Ben salutes.

"We haven't decorated since you were little." Victor says and Natalie ignores him.

"But why am I staying up here?"

"Full effect!" Natalie explains, angling her phone at me as the lights go out. My fingers slip in between his. "Now!"

The room sparks to life. Dimitri takes a careful step away from the glowing tree, allowing me to take it in properly. The living room is transformed into something warm and special – how can a few decorations and fairy lights do that? It feels like...like something magical. The warm light bounces off the red baubles, the porcelain candy canes, and ignites our three special glass baubles, gold catching and gleaming. The lights on the tree fade and then lift again, the glass wall reflecting the room so we're truly surrounded in a golden glow. It's nowhere near as elaborate as Halloween but it's just as amazing. We did this.

Dimitri squeezes my fingers.

"This, this is lovely." Victor says first.

"It's magical." I breathe.

"'Fairy explosion', that should be the description when buying 12,000 lights." Spiridon says, beer in hand.

Dimitri moves to put me down and Natalie tells him to wait. She spins, hauls Lissa over, and holds her phone out in front of her. I see us all reflected on the screen.

"Rose, reach out like you just put the snowflake there. Yes, perfect. Okay, say 'Friendsmas'." Natalie beams.

She snaps the photo and I shriek as Dimitri tosses me off his shoulder. I land in the bracket of his arms with Lissa and Ben laughing. He gives me a quick smile before setting me on my feet.

"Jerk." I mutter.

"You can help me bring the boxes down as punishment." Ben says, shoving a pile into his arms.

"Onesies, more photos, hot chocolate, and presents." Natalie says.

"Movies, snacks and I want to try out a new braid on your hair Rose." Lissa adds.

"I want to practice this new smokey eye technique on both of you."

"As long as I'm eating I don't care what you two do to me." I grin.

Natalie and I change in my room into the fleecy pyjama suits Lissa bought us. It is my new favourite outfit and I want to live in it, even if I do look like a giant baby. Natalie runs to her room to grab her make-up and I skip down the stairs. Spiridon clocks me and starts laughing. I flip him off and find Lissa and Ben making hot chocolate. Snacks are spread out all over the island.

"Aw, aren't you adorable." Ben grins. His brown hair has gotten so long it's flopping onto his forehead and he's always pushing it back.

"Yep. Thanks for this, Liss. I think I might live in it."

"They're fab right? Not the sexiest outfit ever but who cares."

"I want one." Ben says. "I'll be the sexiest 6ft3 man in a baby grow."

"I can try and get you one for Christmas if you're serious?" I say around my laughter.

"Hell yeah, I'm serious. Just plain though. No snowflakes."

"Much more manly." Lissa says, hands pausing inside a grocery bag. "You're cool Ben, right?"

I peer inside the bag and see what her hand is wrapped around. Ben eyes us suspiciously. "There's alcohol in the bag. Isn't there?" Lissa smiles sweetly. "And I'm guessing that's what Natalie sent Spiridon out for?" Lissa continues to smile. Ben looks between us both before finally settling on me. "You all know the rules – keep em' and I'm cool."

"I like you." Lissa says pulling out the glass bottle. "Would you like schnapps in your hot chocolate?"

"What are schnapps?" I ask, taking the bottle from her. "Peppermint?"

"It's so good I promise."

"Dimitri makes the best hot chocolate." I set down the bottle and Ben puts his hands on his hips.

"Oh I see, we slave away over this pot of milk and it's all 'Dimitri could have done it better'." I know he's joking but I feel myself going pink. "Well, next time I just won't bother."

"You literally only handed me the milk." Lissa says.

"Yeah, and it's essential."

"Well, that's true." I say. "We really appreciate it Ben, thank you."

He sighs. "I don't get paid enough for this job."

Lissa laughs again and I drink in the moment with two people I love who wouldn't talk like this normally and it's because of me. I'm the connecting factor.

"Dimitri! Your culinary skills are needed." Ben calls. I look over my shoulder to see mine and Natalie's bed covers bundled in his grip.

He raises an eyebrow. "Mine?"

"Rose says you make the best hot chocolates and we shouldn't even try."

"I did not say that. You're so annoying. I'm getting you the brightest coloured onesie."

"Some have tails and hoods. OOOH get him a unicorn one!" Lissa says.

Ben shrugs. "I will still look sexy."

"Oh my god. Stop saying sexy."

"Speak of the devil." Spiridon says from behind me and I groan. "And he will appear. Is Nat's phone in here? I hate this song, what the hell constitutes a 'rocking robin' anyway?"

"I don't think you're meant to think that deep about it, man."

"Why do you have our bed covers?" I ask Dimitri.

"We're camping in the living room." Lissa answers.

Dimitri dumps the duvets and takes over hot chocolate duty. I see him look at the schnapps bottle but he doesn't say anything. Natalie ambles down the stairs carrying half her bedroom and I rush to help her.

"Natalie what the hell? We could have just gone upstairs."

"Nah, Friendsmas stays in the living room. Oh my god, Rose. Listen to this song, it's wild but this is one that nearly everyone in the world knows."

"What's it called?"

"Fairy tale of New York."

That sounds nice.

A man's voice comes out of the hidden speakers and it's hard to make out what he's singing at first, his voice not shaping words properly, almost like he's drunk. It doesn't sound like a song at all. I follow Natalie back to the kitchen and tell her as much and she laughs.

'So happy Christmas, I love you, baby, I can see a better time, When all our dreams come true...'

Finally, the music comes in but it's not like other songs we've listened to, it doesn't sound cheerful but Natalie's right, everyone else seems to know it. A woman's voice joins and at least I can understand her.

Spiridon is singing along and then Natalie joins in. It still doesn't feel like a Christmas song even though they mention some Christmassy stuff.

"You're a bum, You're a punk!" Natalie yells at Spiridon.

"You're an old slut on junk, lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed." Spiridon says back to her in unison with the singer.

My jaw drops as they continue singing insults at each other, grinning like crazy. Lissa and Ben are laughing at me.

"How is this – Natalie says everyone loves this song but-"

"I PRAY GOD IT'S OUR LAST!" Natalie and Spiridon both shout.

"It's like, a Christmas break up song from the 80's" Lissa explains as Ben, Spiridon, and Natalie sing the main part.

I turn to Dimitri who's stirring in mounds of chocolate powder to the milk. "This is that real music you were telling me about?"

His lips tilt up and he glances at me, back turned to everyone else bar myself and Lissa. "This doesn't count."

"Yes, it does." Lissa insists and Natalie laments with the singer about losing her dreams.

"No, Wham! counts." Dimitri argues.

"It's on the list." Lissa tells me as finally, this stupid song ends.

Dimitri pours everyone's drinks, Natalie spikes them, Ben adds whipped cream and Spiridon takes Victor one.

"Well, goodnight ladies. Have fun and don't bake anything when drinking and remember the rules." Ben says.

"We're hardly going to get drunk off mint schnapps, it's like a cap full in each mug and I am not drinking that stuff with coke." Natalie says.

Ben leans over the counter. "I know there's gin in the bag that Lissa stuffed under the sink."

Natalie turns to Lissa looking shocked. "Lissa! Are you corrupting Friendsmas?"

Ben hums and then looks directly at me. "Drink water before you go to sleep."

"Yes, dad." Natalie rolls her eyes.

"I will." I tell him as he passes.

"If any of you wake me up with your screeching I will be banging pans at 5 pm." Spiridon says, strolling out and turning toward the stairs.

"Wear earplugs!" Natalie shouts after him.

"As if they block you out!"

"RUDE."

Dimitri finishes loading the dishwasher and turns to us. At some point he'd pushed up his sleeves and I can't understand why his forearms are so fascinating. Is it the way the strong muscle moves under his skin, is it the slightly tanned skin, is it the hair – who the hell knows but I can't be around him when I'm drinking. God knows what I'll do or say.

"Goodnight." He says quietly and the girls chorus it back to him.

We listen until we hear his door close. Lissa and Natalie grin. Lissa pulls open the cabinet under the sink and pulls out a bag that clinks.

"We have spiced orange gin, vodka, lemon and lime soda, ginger ale, kool-aid lemon-lime mix...Natalie, what the hell are we making?"

Natalie grins. "Grinch punch but not with the gin, we can just have that with lemonade. Rose can you get out a big bowl please."

"Are we getting drunk?" I ask.

"I am." Lissa says firmly.

Natalie shrugs. "As drunk as you like… just no pulling down the tree or barfing down yourself."

They are not things I'm worried about doing. I'm worried about running up the stairs and kicking Dimitri's door open.

"Victor doesn't mind?" I ask, passing Natalie a mixing bowl.

"Pfft, who cares."

We drink our hot chocolates as Natalie mixes up the punch. It's bright green and she adds half the bottle of vodka. I probably should stay clear of it. The hot chocolate is nice too, the peppermint is subtle where I'd had thought it was going to taste like toothpaste between two chocolate pieces. We carry in the snacks and arrange the sofa cushions and bed covers on the floor to create a comfy nest. Lissa sits behind me brushing out my hair and Natalie is in front, arranging out make-up brushes and three different boxes filled with eye-shadow.

"Why have three boxes with the same colours?"

"They're palettes." Natalie corrects, peering at them as she decides which one to start with. "And they're not the same, some are matt, some are shimmers, some are more pigmented and-"

"Okay, whatever crazyyy."

"Be nice to me or I'll make you look like a clown."

"No you won't, you're scared of clowns." I say lazily. I always liked having my hair brushed.

"You don't forget anything."

"Nope."

Lissa's fingers run over my scalp and my eyes close, which is exactly what Natalie needs so she can start dusting on make-up. Natalie finishes one eye whilst I doze and gets us some punch before starting the other side. I don't know what Lissa's doing back there but it feels nice.

"Nat, you should show Rose how to do that on me after. Like you do one side and Rose you copy."

"Good idea. Have you been practising with the stuff you got at the Mall?"

"Uh, no." I admit and she tuts. "What? I don't go anywhere."

"So? Do it for fun. You'll need to know how to do the basics for the Lodge. Which reminds me, what's going on with you and Adrian?"

"Nothing" That spark in my belly lifts. "But Victor asked me the same thing. He thinks we should date."

Lissa's hands' pause in my hair and Natalie's brush stops sweeping against my eyes.

"Spill."

So I do. I tell them about Victor and his angle, how he called it 'courting' and Natalie wretches. I'm half tempted to tell them about Dimitri's contract too.

"I am getting seriously tired of him trying to fuck with my friends." Natalie seethes.

"I am not defending him at all but you can kinda see where he got the idea. You two seem close." Lissa says carefully.

"Am I not allowed to be friends with a boy? Is that so weird?"

"No, that's not weird. Adrian having a friend that's a girl, that's weird." Natalie says.

"You're his friends."

Natalie snorts. "Not really. We know him through Andre. I'd never just go hang out with him. Would you?"

"Well, yeah. I have. He's funny and… I'm pretty sure he knows about me although I have never said anything, like about my past, and he doesn't treat me differently. He's never treated me any differently."

"Well, to be honest, it's probably because...well I don't think Adrian understands the seriousness of things."

I frown. "No, he likes to act like he doesn't but he's asked before me if I feel safe here. He cares."

"Do you think maybe because he can tell his dad if you don't?"

"No, you know he hates him." Lissa says, saving Natalie from my temper that's trying to snap out. "He does play up the eccentric thing. Sometimes"

"I'm sick of this politics shit." Natalie mutters. "So what about Mason, firm no? Got the ick?"

They come first. "Yeah."

"Well, there will be more pickings at the Lodge. College boys."

"Stop trying to couple her off." Lissa says. "There's more to life."

"Like snacks." I reach for some chips. "I'm not interested in boys."

"You say that now." Natalie sing-songs. It's not a lie. Dimitri's not a boy and I can't help but grin. "Is Mason the reason you don't want to come to the winter dance? Because telling him you just want to be friends is fine. He won't turn into an ass about it."

"No. After Thanksgiving, I just want to take a breather. Plus Dimitri's going to take me to get last-minute Christmas gifts. I need to find a onesie."

Lissa laughs and I explain to Natalie. "Daddy usually gives them a Christmas bonus. I haven't given Spiridon a present...ever."

"Maybe you should." Lissa suggests. "You are a lot closer than a normal Guardian dynamic in this house. Have you got them all presents, Rose?"

"Yep."

"Even Spiridon?"

I flash Natalie my teeth. "Yep."

"Hmm. Maybe. I wouldn't know what to get the other two. Like no idea."

"You can't go wrong with food gifts." I say.

"Dimitri likes chocolate." Lissa says, surprising me. "Like good Belgium chocolate or -"

"Cadburys."

"Yeah, I remember Natasha saying that."

"Is she getting him a present? Seriously?" Natalie says. "After Thanksgiving?"

Lissa's hands resume in my hair. "They've been friends for years."

"The conversation we overheard didn't sound like friendship would make it out alive."

"You both shouldn't have been listening." Lissa says flatly.

"Dimitri's important to Rose, yeah we should." Natalie argues.

"That's not an excuse. Would you listen to me and Christian argue?"

"Oh c'mon. That's hardly the same... and I probably would."

"Natalie!"

"What do you care if we were listening?

"Privacy! You can't mock people's private lives, it's mean and you can't be a mean girl all your life."

I stand and collect their empty glasses.

"Since when am I a mean girl? How is it mean? I don't like her but it's not like me and Rose then went and wrote in a fucking burn book."

"I like her! Christian's important to me and -"

I reach the kitchen and purposefully tune them out. I refill our glasses with the grinch punch, not sure if it's a great idea but it's the only one I have.

Dimitri's important to Rose.

I hadn't realised Natalie had paid so much attention, any attention really and that judgement had to have come from further back than this last month. Since before Halloween. I nibble on some pretzels and reason with myself that it has mostly to do with Estonia, how I'd worried, and before that he was the only one I was comfortable with.

How was there a time I was afraid of Ben? I wrestle with him now. We watch cartoon movies together and argue about fruit flavoured candy containing vitamins.

I arrange the stuff we'll need for baking and lift our glasses. Natalie's alone in the living room.

"Is Lissa so mad she's walking home?"

Natalie grins. "Nah, went to the bathroom. Maybe texting Christian that I'm being a bitch."

I hand her a glass. "Are you properly arguing or the normal arguing you two do? Is she really mad about us listening?"

"Usual arguing. No stress, Rose. I think she feels like she should tell us off because if someone listened to us she would also chew them out. She's just being fair. Me? I'm biased. You punch Mia in the face and I'll defend you to the death."

I laugh. "Yeah because that wouldn't benefit you at all."

She winks and then makes a face around her drink, swallowing it quickly. "Here, whilst she's upstairs." She scrambles over to her handbag and pulls out a book. "Right, so this is mine and I want it back. Never let Spiridon see it."

"Why? What's it about?"

She grins at me and my stomach clenches. "Sex."

I blink. "You have a book about sex? But you – yano, you have sex so why-"

She waves away my rambling. "It's a sexy book, it's biographical. That means by a real person and their experiences. So it's written by this lady that's like 70 or something now and all about her wild sexcapades over the world but it's also informative, she talks about what it's really like and what you're not told. Like peeing after sex, peeing is so important. I'm making it sound terrible but I promise it's really good, like, it's like having a big sister, or grandmother I suppose, who's going to tell you everything. And things you wouldn't know otherwise and things to try and...it's information. I figure you might not want to ask me and Liss everything or might not know what to ask and the internet can be a weird rabbit hole. And Ben can check your search history so that's awkward."

I choke. "He can do what?"

Natalie looks at me like I'm stupid. "He's in charge of security, of course, he can. I mean I doubt he does because we're hardly trying to build bombs or hack into daddys computer but yano... Oh what, what have you searched?"

"I google everything." I hiss and she laughs.

"Oh babe, now I wanna check your history."

I take a massive drink that drains half the glass. She pushes the book toward me as a door closes upstairs. "Take it. And if you do have questions ask us, no judgement. Do not google it."

No, I wouldn't. Not ever again. I mean some things I couldn't even bring myself to write out and put in that white search box. Now I'm glad.

I stuff the book under the sofa and put my pillow in front of it. "Thanks, Nat. Why can't Lissa see it?"

"Well, she can. She's read it too but I think she worries more than I do."

"Worries about what? I'm fine. I'm not made of glass."

"It's just who she is." She says quietly, looking over my shoulder and indicating Lissa is coming down the stairs. "I mean, it is hardcore smut mostly but I think -"

"What is smut?"

"Should we do presents now? Then drink more and be drunk bakers?" Natalie says loudly, as Lissa steps back into our comfy den.

"Sounds good to me." Lissa says brightly. You would never guess they'd been heatedly bickering minutes before. "Any fires will be good practice for my control."

"You can't set cookies on fire."

"Do not underestimate me." Natalie says.

We get more Grinch punch and I'm feeling extremely excited when we all fetch our gifts for each other. I trip running up the stairs and Lissa has to hold onto the newel post she's laughing so hard. I'm much more careful on the way down, carrying the two gift bags. Ben had helped me wrap the presents in shiny blue paper with silver snowflakes. I'd tried by myself but I kept losing my temper.

I'd finally figured out what kind of dessert Lissa would be and got her a candle that smelled like it, spiced apple cupcake, along with some of the essential oils she likes and earrings she'd debated over at the mall that I'd been able to find online. I'd got Natalie a pink planner with small red writing on the front that says 'Getting shit done' and a candle that smelled of cake batter.

Lissa puts on her new earrings as Natalie flips through her planner, reading out the motivational quotes.

Natalie gives her gifts next and I get a thin booklet from the Lodge's Spa with a voucher for three treatments and a pale pink box with a black ribbon. I have an inkling of what it is before I open it and it doesn't make me nervous, partly because Lissa got one too. I open it and find black lace.

"You're welcome." Natalie says. "Even if you in your sweats or these onesies, have those on underneath and you will feel like a goddess."

"I'm beginning to understand why your so confident all the time." Lissa grins.

"My ass is always dressed to impress."

I snort into my green drink and then lift out the bra, it's partly sheer and so are the bottoms. I notice there's another bit of material. "What is this?"

"Suspender belt." Natalie says and then pulls a photo up on her phone when explaining fails her.

I imagine Dimitri's face if I suddenly appeared in his room wearing these. He wouldn't look at the ceiling this time and he wouldn't hesitate in lifting me up before pressing me against the door. I'd want him to take it off, I'd ask him to and I'd undress him. Lines to curves, skin to skin, no barriers.

"Rose, what are thinking?" Lissa asks, laughing.

"That I'm glad I'm in charge of the washing in the house." I grin, cheeks flaming. "What's your one like?"

Lissa's set is gauzy white with rich purple flowers embroidered. It's very pretty and I try to ignore who she's probably thinking about. Natalie also got her treatments for the spa.

I crawl across the space to hug her and upend a bowl of chips. Maybe I am a bit drunk.

I open my bag from Lissa and let out an excited squeal, heaving out a small sack of candy from the store I'd spent so much money in. I rip it open and put it between us. She'd also got me two books, one a 'classic romance' (I glance at Natalie and she winks) and the other the next book of the assassin one I'd loved.

"Dimitri told me." She explains. "I was stuck on the second choice."

"Thank you both. I-" and to everyone's horror, especially mine, I start crying.

It comes out of nowhere and so strongly I can't stave it off or steal a moment to excuse myself. I cry and arms go around me, comforting murmurs as a cheek presses against my head. I hadn't even been thinking of anything that would encourage it, it's so bizarre and doesn't make sense that it makes me cry harder.

"I'm sorry." I hiccup and scrub my knuckles under my eyes. Black smears my skin and I realise it's the make-up Natalie's spent so long on.

Natalie reaches for a packet of wipes and starts rubbing the smudges off my hands. "This was the trial run."

Lissa takes one and gently wipes my face. "It's okay to be sad or happy."

I hiccup again. "I'm ruining Friendsmas."

"Don't be silly. It's not Christmas unless someone cries." Natalie says.

"And usually it's my mom." Lissa adds. "Last year it was because Andre told her the dress she had on was too young for her and he wasn't even being mean. It was too short but she went mad."

"Boys have no business telling girls what they should and shouldn't wear."

"Natalie it was mid-thigh."

"Okay, maybe they can tell their moms."

"I think it's because I'm so happy." I tell them quietly. "And it makes me feel guilty. I feel so guilty."

"Feeling guilty means your a good person." Lissa says gently. "But you deserve to be happy, Rose. Your happiness doesn't make anything else worse, that's not your responsibility."

Natalie nods. "This shouldn't be your first Christmas."

My shoulders start shaking again. "Having one is more than some people get."

My words hang there, a noose around the atmosphere

"Daddy said they're looked after now. They're not going to be hurt anymore. I know it's not the same but at least there's that." Natalie says looking unsure but desperately trying. I lean into Lissa and she strokes my hair like Janine used to when I was small. "Your family is safe now."

"It might help to talk about it." Lissa says, her voice soothing.

Well, it wasn't helping to not talk about it. It's actually getting harder to not think about it. As everything gets better for me my head wants to re-visit or replay how it used to be so much worse. And these sudden crying fits had to stop. Maybe hiding less and sharing more with Dimitri had opened a gate that didn't have control of closing.

"My mom is still back there." A tear drips from my chin and Lissa dabs my face.

"Your mom?"

I nod. "And I can't bring myself to speak to her because I walked away and I didn't look back."

"But wouldn't she want to hear how well you're doing? Everything you've done?" Natalie asks gently.

"No. I don't think she would. She knows I'm fine. Dimitri and Ben have been checking in with her. Making sure she's okay."

"Why wouldn't she want to hear from you?" Lissa asks.

It's hard to answer, to find the words to express it properly. "Every set of rules she ever gave me, every way she told me to behave...I don't do it any more. Not just because it's different now and I'm not being hurt, other ways. I'm supposed to stay small and invisible. I'm supposed to do as I'm told and not question. I'm supposed to be wary of Guardians because all they've ever done is inflict pain enforce the rules so if she knew I was buying presents for some... I'm betraying her."

"But it's not -" Natalie starts.

"How would she know it's different. How would she believe me? They might not be beating her or starving her or raping her but it's not here, she's not receiving kindness or friendship or anything, she's getting the basic things everyone deserves. And I'm supposed to talk to her and tell her how great my day was and how much I get to do, that I have money, my own room, friends, clothes, make-up...I'm supposed to rub how great my life is in her face?"

Natalie's face pales but Lissa forges on.

"Rose. She might want to hear that. She might want to hear that you're safe and happy. Wouldn't that give her something?"

"It doesn't give her anything. Dimitri and Ben tell her."

"But isn't that like, abandoning her?" Natalie says carefully.

She may as well have punched me in the gut but she's right. Lissa squeezes my shoulders.

"You know her best." Lissa murmurs. "Do you think it's better this way? Or if you're not sure maybe talking to her once would put your mind at ease? It'll be hard but...but at least you'll hear her voice."

Natalie picks at the lint on her knee. "I'd want to speak to my mom."

"I haven't forgotten about her. I try not to think about her but it doesn't mean I'm trying to forget. I want to be able to – I had this idea that the next time I spoke to her it would be to tell her I was coming to get her and I was going to take care of us now. That sounds stupid when I say it out loud."

"No, it doesn't." Lissa's says firmly.

"It's not like how you are with your mother. It's not the same as what you both think."

It's quiet for a minute until Natalie asks me to tell them about her, and I do. I tell them she has auburn hair that sits in curls when she has it down and freshly washed. I don't tell them that she tried to always wear it up because that's how he liked it. I tell them she has brown eyes, lighter than mine, and she's from Scotland. I tell them how she pronounces some words differently in an accent, especially when she was mad. I tell them that she used to brush my hair and tell me stories when I was small, that I used to play with her necklace when I was supposed to be trying to sleep. I tell them that she would always make sure I had enough food even if it meant she didn't have anything. I take a deep breath and tell them how it changed when I was fourteen and she pulled away from me.

I don't tell them it was because of Eddie.

I tell them about when I started to change we tried to hide it. The bandages, not washing for days, not speaking to anyone, and coming straight inside before sunrise. I tell them about the barn. The days that felt like you were baking from the inside out. How her skin is so much paler than mine and would burn in summer.

"What's your moms' name?" Lissa asks. I'd been plucking at the covers, staring at the tree but her voice is thick and draws my attention. Her face is wet.

"Janine." I say quietly, heart lurching. "Hathaway."

"Rosemarie Hathaway." Natalie says, her tongue testing out my full name and I cringe.

"We should send her things." Lissa says. "Like photos and clothes, you think she would like. What's her favourite colour?"

"I don't know." I admit, tears falling again. Natalie presses a tissue into my hand as she presses one to her face.

"Well, if she's your mom she'll suit anything won't she?"

A wet, half-hearted laugh leaves me and somehow I feel a bit lighter. She was no longer a presence weighing down my heart, a ghost by my shoulder, guilt around my neck. She could be on the other end of the phone if I asked and what if she did feel like I abandoned her? What if, even though I'd been a burden, I'd still been hers, someone who cared about her, loved her and that mattered more? Maybe she could love me more now she didn't have to constantly be worried about me.

"Thanks." I murmur and Lissa presses a kiss to my temple.

"We love you." Lissa says.

"Hell yeah, we do." Natalie says, voice thinned and high. It's so unexpected we all laugh.

"So, there's your mom and there are more people right?" Lissa asks after a few minutes of us collecting ourselves.

"Yeah."

"Why haven't...I mean why keep them there. Why not move them somewhere where they can get help?"

"They are being helped." Natalie says.

Lissa's eyes flash but she keeps her voice controlled. "No, they are being treated like human beings now. But...well, look at how Rose was when she got here. They need help. Proper care. Why hasn't Uncle Victor moved them to a facility? Money's hardly a problem."

"Lissa. You don't know how many of them there are and he has about a million things to juggle."

"Which his Guardian's help with. Spiridon's in charge of all the accounts and stuff right?"

"You're making it sound like it's simple."

"It is simple!"

"No it's not otherwise he would have done it." Natalie argues. "And for we know help goes to them. Rose said she doesn't ask about anything and doesn't want to know, so we only know what she does."

More punches to the gut, all deserved.

Lissa goes quiet, staring hard at nothing and I think maybe she's going to let it go but I should know better. Her green eyes lift, sharp-cut jewels. "It's because he needs whoever it is."

"What?" Natalie says, glancing at me. She'd asked me who they were the day after the Halloween party and I'd shut her down.

"Why wouldn't Uncle Victor show his philanthropy side, why wouldn't he use this to help him become more prominent on the council? Think about it Natalie, he's gunning for this head position, he's focused on Moroi and Dhampir working together so why wouldn't he expose that he'd liberated slaves? Why wouldn't he use that? It's because he needs the support of whoever kept Rose. They're either a prominent Royal linked to a member of the council or they're on it."

Natalie's gone very still and Lissa turns to me. "I'm right, aren't I?"

Silence would be giving her the answer and I won't lie. "Yes."

"Shit." Natalie breathes. "Is it the Ivashkov's? There are rumours about them and-"

I hold up my hands and plead. "Please don't ask me. I can't tell you. Please."

"Because daddy told you not to?"

I nod. "And...I don't want to be compelled so please don't ask me."

"We wouldn't compel you." Lissa says, eyes blazing.

"Not you. Spiridon's suggested it more than once and right now they're trusting me not to."

"How can...how have you not exploded?" Lissa asks. "How can you hold this all in?"

I search for an answer and then I shrug. "I had no choice but to hold it in and…from the first night Victor came, Dimitri told me to ask him anything, he encouraged me to speak even though it terrified me. Ben's kind, funny, and Spiridon...provokes me, not so much any-more, but it got everything out. It let out my anger and I had so many questions locked up."

"We know." Natalie says. "Sometimes you didn't pause for breath."

"Rich coming from you." I force a smile.

"So you talk to Dimitri about things? About...if you're upset or I don't know. I don't like thinking your sad and by yourself."

Her voice cracks and I put my arms around her. "I know I can call you guys. I know I'm not alone. I don't feel alone. I feel...confined sometimes, useless, when you all have things to do. But I'm not lonely."

"You are not useless." Natalie growls.

"I know. Who else would clean this place?" The humour falls straight into a grave. "I don't want you guys to be sad. Tonight was supposed to be fun."

"It is sad." Lissa says, her lovely face crumpling. "And it's important we talk about this. We...we should have asked you so much sooner. All your scars and your mom and your such a good person…" She sobs and I look to Natalie for help. She crawls from my other side to Lissa.

"Liss, you know Rose is never going to tell us anything ever again if you have a breakdown every time. C'mon."

"I do not have a breakdown every time." She says, taking a tissue from her.

"You ranted about her back for days."

"And what's wrong with that! We can't just act like it's fine. Rose, don't you dare say it's fine."

"It isn't fine but we can't change what's happened." I say.

"Aren't you angry? I would want to kill them. I do want to kill them." Lissa says and Natalie's eyes widen.

"I think about that all the time." I admit calmly. "I think about how I'd hurt them back."

"The Moroi or the Guardian's?" Natalie asks as if they could bed seperated.

I meet her gaze. "All of them. When I train I picture their faces."

Lissa wipes her chin. "They shouldn't be allowed to just get on with their lives. No consequences."

"There are no consequences for Moroi." I say quietly.

"There should be."

A heavy silence follows and since I was the one to drag us down this path I have to drag us back. "Should we bake? And drink more? I'd like to drink more."

"Yes!" Natalie pushes herself up. "I'll make us a gin cocktail!"

I grab another wipe and smooth under Lissa's eyes where her mascara's ran and pull her to her feet.

"Rose." She takes my hand just shy of the kitchen. She keeps her voice low but fierce with conviction. "If you ever need help with delivering consequences, let me help."

The look on her face is unlike her, an angel burning with heavenly fire ready to walk into hell.

How could I ever tell her it's the person she's with, that she kisses and cares for, it's his family. It's him and his aunt, the woman teaching her and helping guide her. How could I ever tell her and shatter all her happiness?

It's the same fear I harbour about Dimitri. I don't see how could she could pick me. Believe me. Hate them the way I'd need her to. If I told then I could lose them both and be alone, a loneliness that would carve deep into my soul and reopen wounds that had taken years to delicately close over.

I nod and she takes my hand. In the kitchen Natalie is pouring drinks, looking happier to be doing something and away from the previous topic. She pushes our drinks toward us.

"Toast?" Natalie suggests. "To Rose."

"To Friendsmas." I correct embarrassed.

"To consequences." Lissa says quietly and unease pools in my stomach.

We clink glasses and take a sip, I cough immediately. "Holy – what the hell Nat?"

"It's good though right?"

I smack my lips together, the burn of alcohol riding the cinnamon spice. "I'm adding more lemonade."

Lissa takes another massive drink. "I like it."

Natalie salutes her. "We're hardened drinkers. So what are we baking Rose?"

"Uh, I thought sugar cookies and then we can decorate them with icing and stuff."

"Let's get properly buzzed first." Natalie grins.

I add the ingredients to the bowl and Lissa mixes, Natalie dramatically adding sugar or flour when I tell her. Lissa slides the tray into the oven as Natalie pours out shots of gin, water, lemonade, vodka, and punch declaring that we're going to play a game. She puts a bottle in the centre of the shot circle.

When the timer goes off to lift the cookies out of the oven Lissa is on the floor and Natalie is dragging her by the ankle, hysterically laughing, and I use the opportunity to drink water straight from the tap.

I've already been thinking about all that's between me and being naked is a zip and all that's between me and Dimitri is a door. I hope he's locked it. I need to sober up or stay distracted. Distracted is good. I pull the cookies out as Lissa shrieks from the next room. Natalie must be dragging her on a tour around the living room.

I'm concentrating very hard on moving the cookies onto the cooling rack when Spiridon comes in. He looks at my face and then the empty shot glasses scattered around.

"Wholesome." He says, pulling open the fridge and taking out another beer.

"You're only down here because you smelled these."

"It's actually because I could hear screaming and thought Natalie was murdering someone."

Natalie barrels into the kitchen, face flushed, and points at Spiridon. "A boy. A boy has intruded on sacred Friendmas. SACRIFICE."

"Drink some water, Jesus."

Lissa appears giggling.

Natalie points at him. "Sacrifice."

Lissa nods. "Sacrifice."

There's a split second in which the three of them stare at each other and then Natalie lunges for him. He darts toward me, putting the island between him and them.

"Rose, grab him!" Natalie shouts.

"She knows better." Spiridon says. My head is too light to make any sudden movements.

Natalie runs around one side, Lissa the other, and Spiridon leaps onto the counter and scurries across it. He hits the floor and when he reaches the foyer he spins back. "Too slow, ladies."

I try to centre myself. As Natalie pushes up her sleeves.

"Get him."

They both take off and Spiridon bolts into the living room. I follow laughing as the girls shout threats and he dodges them easily, drinking from his beer as he goes. Lissa jumps over the couch as he charges through our den toward the stairs.

"Rose!"

I feint left and he moves right, I lunge for him and catch hold of his arm and we both stumble onto the stairs. The girls yell in victory and I'm just trying to cling to him so he can't get up but it's like he's made of granite and I'm barely an inconvenience. His calve slips out of my grasp as Natalie skids in front of the bottom stair and we race up after him. I expect him to go left and back toward his room but when he hits the landing he breaks right and crashes through Dimitri's door.

"I'M UNDER ATTACK."

"Dimitri grab him!" Natalie squeals, barrelling after him with me on her heels.

Spiridon vaults over the bed toward where Dimitri's half risen from his chair, stance defensive like he's instinctively prepared for a fight. I hop onto the bed and Natalie races to the foot of it, blocking Spiridon's path. I hear Lissa reach the door.

"Nowhere to go." Natalie sings at him.

"What did you do?" Dimitri asks, leaning back against his desk and crossing his arms.

"He had the audacity to intrude on Friendsmas." Natalie says menacingly.

Dimitri raises his eyebrows and Spiridon holds up his beer. "I got this and they went apeshit."

I bounce lightly on Dimitri's mattress. "Liar, you wanted to steal the cookies."

Lissa gasps dramatically behind me and I giggle. The shots had made my head spin and stomach burn but now it's in my blood and I feel capable of anything.

Dimitri turns to Spiridon and says in a bland voice. "That sounds like a serious offence."

"Oh, fuck you."

"Language!" Lissa shrieks.

Natalie charges at him but he grabs her arms and propels her behind him as he runs forward. I leap off the bed and collide with his back, locking my arms around his neck.

"ROSE!" He sounds pissed now.

Natalie yells in victory, Lissa throws herself forward and locks herself around his leg but he's still moving, still hobbling out into the hall.

"What the hell?" Ben asks from down the landing. Victor is peering over the bannister.

"I'm really going to lose it!" Spiridon warns as my grip slips and I slide off him and land on my ass. He breaks free of Lissa and stumbles into my room. Natalie jumps over me and runs at him with enough force they go flying onto my bed. I'm laughing so hard I can't get up, Lissa rolling next to me.

Natalie is smacking any part she can reach with one of my slippers as Spiridon tries to get away from her but they're so tangled he's not getting far. It takes me a second to realise that he's smiling too before he rolls off the bed. Natalie shouts for us to stop him as he sprints out of the room and down the hall. Lissa jumps up and chases, Natalie right behind her. I hear Ben shouting helpful advice to the girls and everyone is ignoring Victor telling them to calm how before someone gets hurt.

He comes up behind me and I lean back against his legs, tilting my head up. "Hi."

His lips twitch. "Hello. How's your tail bone?"

I grin. "My ass is sore."

He leans down and pulls me to my feet, my back pressing into his chest.

His lips graze my ear as his hand grazes over my backside. "Careful, I'm quite fond of this."

Heat floods my entire being. "Noted."

Screams and footsteps sound from down the hall ending in a door slamming. Spiridon seems to have made it back to his room. Lissa, Natalie, and Ben's laughter carry to us.

"Go, have fun." He says, gently pushing me forward by the hand on my ass.

God, I want to kiss him, climb him, strip him.

Natalie and Lissa's excited voices run down the hall, ignoring something Victor asks them, and they round onto the landing outside the door. Dimitri's already back at his desk.

"Sorry we busted in on you!" Lissa says, grabbing my hand.

"It was necessary!" Natalie adds, descending the stairs.

We decorate the cookies, more icing ending up on us and over the counter than on the treats. I throw sprinkles for Lissa like confetti as she runs through the rain of it laughing.

"My snowman looks like he's had a day." Natalie laughs, holding up her cookie.

"That's a snowman?" I laugh.

I try to decorate three more, concentrating hard, but after Natalie puts out another round of grinch punch it looks like I've just splattered icing everywhere.

"It's abstract." Lissa says.

"It's supposed to be a Christmas tree."

"Abstractchristmastree." Natalie says. "Spiridoncanhaveit."

I don't even care the kitchen's a mess. I grab my drink and skip back to our den as Natalie loads up the movie options and I get to pick. I choose the one our drinks are named after. Lissa tries to do the plait in my hair but gives up and starts sectioning it into pieces and I have no idea what she's doing back there. Natalie catches sight of me and chokes on her drink before snapping a photo.

"I'll add them to the album in our chat." She says. "Let's take more! OH, lets do a really bad photoshoot."

The next hour is passed doing ridiculous poses in front of the Christmas tree, doing really bad hairstyles on each other and snapping photos. When the third movie is playing Natalie falls asleep. Lissa and I lie whispering to each other for a while until she drifts off too. I'd tried doing make-up on her and there's glitter all over her cheek that's supposed to be on her eyelid. I allow myself to lie there in the warm glow of the lights and appreciate the start of my first Christmas.

I scroll through the photos and laugh quietly to myself until I reach the first one. Natalie's face is closest to the camera, then Lissa, and then in the back is Dimitri with me perched on his shoulder, holding his hand whilst the other reaches out to the snowflake. Us three girls are smiling but Dimitri is looking up at me, the small tilt to his lips that only I would know, to anyone else he looks like he's simply concentrating on holding me.

I get up and quietly take the stairs, pausing at the top to peer down to make sure they're still asleep. Once again I take a moment to appreciate the soft, golden glow around the room and my two friends sleeping soundly after laughing and crying with me.

I slip inside his room.

The bedside lamp casts the only light in the room. He's lying in bed with a book, propped up against the headboard, and still fully dressed. No intention of going to sleep any time soon. I know that if we weren't camped out downstairs he would have gone for a run but after Spiridon got hunted around the house he isn't risking it.

He watches as I close the door behind me and lean back against it. I wonder if he's thinking about the last time I let myself in like this.

"I wanted to say goodnight." I say quietly. "They're both asleep."

He closes his book, a small tilt to his lips. "Goodnight, Roza."

I stand there and the silence stretches on. Okay, so I didn't just want to say it. I exhale and reach behind me to lock the door. His smile disappears immediately and I know he's concerned about how occupied the house is, that if Natalie or Lissa wake they'll wonder where I am.

I cross to the bed and crawl over to him. "That's not how we say goodnight."

"Rose." He says in what I suppose is a warning but his gaze is on my lips.

"I'm not staying for long. I just wanted to see you."

He tosses the book to the bottom of the bed and opens his arms to me. I climb into his lap and tuck my knees to his hips, my body fitting to his and welcoming the heat. I tug out his hair tie.

"I seem to keep losing those. That's my last one." He murmurs as my fingers comb through his hair.

"Weird. I'll get you some for Christmas."

He chuckles and it drives me to bring my mouth to his, wanting to keep the sound for myself.

He shifts so he can sink down against the pillows, hands on my hips and I stretch out against his chest. He nips at my bottom lip and I part them knowing that's what he wants. The tip of his tongue sweeps against it and my nails dig into his shoulders. I feel him smirk before dipping into my mouth suddenly and my hips rock of their own accord. A noise sounds low in his throat and it becomes clear we've reached the tipping point without meaning to.

I sit up feeling the heat on my cheeks and remind myself I can't stay. His eyes are dark beneath his lashes that it lands a blow against my decision. He closes them and when they open their filled with resolve. He has better self-control than I do.

I really want to break it.

"How's your tail bone?" He asks quietly.

"You can just ask me if my ass is okay."

"Roza, is your ass okay?" He says with an even expression and I laugh quietly.

"I think so. You can see for yourself if you want?"

Damn it. No self-control. Totally alcohols fault.

The only indication he's reacting is the slight pressure of his fingers on my hips. "I believe you."

I grin and his hands travel down to my thighs. It's overwhelming how much I want to taunt him, tease him, crack the resolve but I need to remember the bigger picture.

"Did you have a good night?"

"Yes. I never thought I'd see Spiridon be chased by Lissa or tackled by Natalie."

He grins. "Neither did I."

I giggle and drowsiness comes down over me, a weighted blanket.

He takes my face in his hands. "You need to drink some water before you go to sleep."

"I know." I murmur, leaning into his hands and letting my eyes close. I sit like that for a few seconds and then snap out of it. His expression is soft. "How nice is this onesie thing? I'm getting Ben one."

He snorts. "You are?"

"Yeah, he said he'd wear it."

"I can see that, unfortunately."

"Why unfortunately? He's going to look great."

"Because you look ridiculously cute and I'm not sure I'll feel the same way about Ben."

I laugh again. "Well, maybe you'll think he's cute too and it won't be ruined for you."

"Mhm" His hands leave my face to run down over my shoulder and arms, appreciating how the fleece feels. The material feels thin and warm suddenly. "Do I want to know what you're thinking about?"

I lift my eyes from his lips, burning coals. "Probably."

He sits up and I grip his broad shoulders. "You are a test to every ounce of control I have."

I lean in so my lips brush against his. "I know." His fingers press into me again and it's too hard to resist. "I was thinking that if you pulled this zip down I'd be naked."

His eyes close and he inhales through his nose. I brush my fingers over his cheekbone, he's so handsome it hurts. His eyes open, gold flecks catching the light. I reach for the zip and he reacts when I start pulling it down, fingers latching around my wrist. He speaks before disappointment compresses my insides.

The gold is molten. "If you pull that down you will not leave this room any time soon and we will likely wake the entire house. I'll find it very hard to care about anything else outside that door."

The thought of Spiridon or Ben hearing anything cuts through the cravings enough to make rational thought surface. Oh god, if Natalie or Lissa woke and came looking for me and heard –ah.

I lean back and tension goes out of his shoulders. "I should go."

"Yes." He says with reluctance.

I climb off the bed and he follows, hand on the small of my back. My fingers are just shy of the handle when he spins me and presses me against the door, capturing my mouth in a long, soft kiss that draws me onto the balls of my feet. My arms go around his neck and when our lips part he draws me up and against him.

"Spokoynoy nochi, lyubov' moya." He says into my hair.

"Goodnight." I sigh.

He keeps one arm around my waist as one hand grips the handle, listening to the house. He nods and pulls it open. I slip out and peer down into the living room. Still asleep. I pad down, flicking off the lights around the bannister so only the tree glows in the room. I settle down beside Lissa and pull out the book Natalie gave me. I wouldn't be able to sleep, not now, not after those kisses and burning for more. It isn't just the cravings, I missed him today and I wanted to talk to him.

At least I hadn't kicked his bedroom door open. Spiridon had and that makes me laugh to myself.

I open the book and from the second page my face is in flames and by the twentieth page I'm engrossed.

I read and burn until my eyes can't stay open.

---

Natalie wakes us up by squirting whipped cream onto our noses and I find out Lissa isn't a morning person, which inspired Natalie to do it in the first place. We eat our disaster cookies for breakfast and put on another movie, I'm so tired my eyeballs ache but it was so worth it and I can't wait until I'm alone again to read more.

"Is it safe to come down?" Ben calls from the landing.

"No." Natalie responds and I hear Spiridon sigh.

"We have her tied down, don't worry." Lissa calls back.

Ben makes a show of running down the stairs and into the kitchen, making us all laugh. Spiridon comes down boredly behind him.

"Good evening, Dimitri." Lissa says over my shoulder.

My head immediately goes back to when I'd tried to entice him to pull my zip down and then to all the things I'd read after. My face flames and I take a long drink of water as he greets her. The boys get their coffee, Ben bringing me one, and manoeuvre the nest to sit down on the couch and watch the end of the movie with us. There's nearly another brawl when Natalie picks out some of Spiridon's cereal from his bowl.

Victor doesn't make an appearance until the girls are getting ready to leave as he's going with them to the school. He must realise that they're pissed with him because he doesn't attempt to speak to them.

When they finally leave I make to go tidy the kitchen but it's already clear - Ben or Dimitri have gotten to it first - and the girls had helped fix the living room before leaving so there isn't much left for me to clean up.

I retrieve the book from under the sofa and lock myself in my room. Hours later I'm in a bit of a stunned state, processing, re-reading, replaying sentences in my head. There are parts of my body I didn't even know about, parts he'd kissed and I'd not known the proper name for them.

According to this book there are many ways to draw out pleasure from a body, some I would never, ever imagine.

Some pages I can't finish reading, my eyes unable to absorb the words painting explicit visuals, but other pages and the things she describes, it's so easy to play it out in my mind. Imagining myself doing things with Dimitri or him doing things to me. I have to take breaks to process, overwhelmed that someone hadn't just wrote this down but had lived it, all of it.

Where the hell did Natalie find this book?

I only venture out of my room to prepare dinner, Ben and Dimitri appearing to help and I give them both jobs. Spiridon and Victor return just as we're plating up and we all eat at the table. My mind wanders back to the things I'd read as I watch the light glow and fade, not paying attention to the conversation around me.

Dimitri helps me clear as the others disperse. His hand ghosts over the small of my back in the kitchen as he asks me if I'm okay. I nod and tell him I'm tired, which isn't a lie. He tells me he has documents to translate so he won't come to me later and the disappointment is only bearable because I have new books to devour.

What would he think of the sex book?

Spiridon claps his hands in front of my face and I realise I've been standing alone in the kitchen staring at nothing.

"Hungover?" He grins.

I nod because that's easier and scurry back to my room.

---

I read and I burn. I'm stunned and I'm frustrated. Then it seems no one in this house has better things to do outside of it and I can't get Dimitri alone. It's almost worse getting the tiniest touches from him instead of none at all. His fingers brushing against mine, the heat of him as he passes me, the small smile after we finish our laps, or the guiding force of his palm as I work on holding my form.

For three days I read and I burn.

Until Victor and Spiridon are going to the school for the final meeting with the Heads and Ben has errands to run that concern Sonya. He leaves looking troubled, pulling his hood up over his head and casting his face in shadow.

As soon as his car rolls out of the drive I take the stairs two at a time. Dimitri had gone for a second run and is in the shower. I pace my room, deciding, deliberating, then cursing that I'm wasting time I'd longed for. Time where I wanted him to forget about everything outside of us. I strip out of my jeans, jumper and pull on his shirt, my reliable armor. I lock his bedroom door and pad across to the other one.

I step into the bathroom. It's a little smaller than mine and doesn't have a bath but I can't imagine Dimitri in a bath or even fitting inside one. Steam rolls over the top of the glass stall, indicating just how hot the water is, water that's raining over his perfect body. Dimitri's face is tilted up into the spray, eyes closed, hands running methodically over his slicked-back hair. It looks almost black when it's wet. It feels forbidden to be watching him like this when he's unaware and appreciating every inch of the view. I don't know how water emphasizes the bands of muscle in his arms, the solid leanness of his torso, the strength in his thighs, or the sheer height of him – but it is and it's sending excitement through me.

I push the door closed with an audible click. His head snaps to attention, eyes locking with mine.

"I read somewhere that everyone should be trying to conserve water." I say conversationally, running a finger against the slick countertop. He wipes water away from his face and blinks rapidly like it's hard to grasp I'm here. He turns toward me and it takes all my will to keep my eyes on his face, especially when one hand drops to rub his chest, the spot right over his heart. I wonder if it is starting to hammer like mine and I hadn't even gotten started. "Showering together is one of the suggestions."

"You... want to join me?" He says eventually like he's testing the words out.

My lips tilt up. "Yes."

His hands drop to his side as his gaze roams over me, surprise still etched on his face. I reach down to the hem of his shirt and his eyes track the movement and I swear I can feel the weight of them on my hands. I drag it up over the remaining planes of my thighs, watching his chest rising and falling, hands balled into fists and causing a flutter in my stomach. I pull it up and over my head before I can betray myself and stall, naked bar the simple black panties.

Dimitri drinks me in like a starved man seeing a feast before his eyes flick to mine. He opens the glass door and I step into the stall, just shy of the spray. I'd seen his body so many times but not like this. Rivulets of water running over his chest, the muscles of his abdomen, the sharp lines of his hips, his thighs, and where they apex. It wasn't any less shocking, the length of him and it makes my mouth go dry.

My face heats and it has nothing to do with the hot water but I step into the spray to hide it, tilting my head up, pushing my hair back, and feeling it plaster to my back.

I feel him watching me and my nerves spark. He'd told me to take back ownership over my body, it was mine to command how I wanted. My fingers brush down my neck, to the crevice of my chest following the steady stream of water and lower to my stomach.

A noise that could only be described as a growl emanates in the space between us. I open my eyes and my breath catches at the intensity on his face. I cling to my nerve, the knowledge of how I'm affecting him, his reaction to my body, and how he remains still with his fists at his side.

"Are you just going to stare at me?" I tease.

A single lock of damp hair has curled against his temple. "I might...you are very pleasing... to look at."

I suppress a smirk at the struggle in his voice.

"Pleasing?" I repeat lowly, stepping toward him and reaching a fingertip out to interrupt a droplet's route down his bicep. "Chocolate's pleasing, running the trail in under ten minutes is pleasing but -"

He closes the distance, hands catching around my waist and pulling me up against him. My mind goes blank as our skin connects, my breasts flushed against his chest and his mouth is by my ear as I cling to his arms.

"Pleasing. Devastating. Mesmerising. Beautiful. Stunning. Captivating. Unfathomably extraordinary." His hands slip from my waist to my ass, gripping it and pulling me harder against him. "Are they enough adjectives to convey why I could just stare at you?"

I inhale. "I don't want you to just stare at me."

His fingers tighten and I can feel him against my lower belly. "Well, I think that ship has sailed."

His nose skims my cheekbone, water running off it and down my neck. The heat of his body, the water, is nothing compared to what's going on inside my skin. My thighs are pressed tightly together and the ache isn't just contained there, I can feel it in the peak of my breasts. I'm so full of wanting, bursting at the seams with it, that my plan is clouding over.

I turn my head and lick water off his lip. One hand leaves my cheek to grip the back of my neck and tilt my head so he can sink his tongue against mine. Hot water soaks our kisses, making them more addictive. His other hand leaves my ass to snake around my waist to hold me to him as my nails rake over his strong shoulders. He walks me back out of the spray and I gasp when my skin hits the cool tile. His lips leave mine to dip to my neck, hand leaving my head to grab my thigh and hitch it up around his.

"Do you know what a siren is?" He breathes against my neck and I shake my head, before biting into his shoulder earning a guttural sound from him. "A female creature of the ocean, they could lure men to the depths of the sea, sailors so enchanted with them they died happily." He lifts his head so his lips brush mine when they move. "You look like a siren and I'm willing to drown."

My head is full of the hot mist rolling around us and the ache is everywhere. My hands slip around his neck and I bite at his bottom lip. He responds immediately, pressing into me and pushing his tongue past my lips, fingers indenting into my thigh.

"I had a plan." My voice is not my own, low and sultry.

His tongue is chasing beads of water under my collarbones, dipping lower. "Mhm?"

"Something else I read." I manage to say as his lips sink lower, teeth grazing the soft rise. "About stress relief."

"Are you stressed, Roza?" He murmurs before taking the taut tip of my breast in his mouth. My back arches and I lose the ability to do anything but feel the sensation of it. So different without material in the way, so shatteringly different.

I grip the back of his head, fingers trying to sink into his slick hair as his tongue rolls against one ache and sending tremors to the other. Is he drowning or am I? I want to grab his wrist and push it between us but I can only cling to him as he moves to show appreciation to the other side. I whimper as his teeth graze my nipple.

I had a plan.

"N-not me." I breathe and he hums, the vibration making me shudder.

His mouth stops its assault and travels to the crevice in my chest, placing kisses on his way higher until his lips brush mine again. "Oh?"

Get it together, Rose.

"You." I admit and his dark eyes scorch me, no hint of stress in them at all but that's because I'm proving a good distraction. I wanted to provide a better one. I drop my leg and tug his arm away from my waist, the one that's not giving me the room I need. "You've been stressed. You haven't been sleeping and you're running in the mornings."

He doesn't argue. His fingers brush under my chin. "You don't need to worry. Stress is manageable."

My fingertips descend, grazing and dipping into his lines. "Let me help you manage it."

"Roza." He murmurs as my touch passes into the V of his hips. "What have you been reading?"

I grin and then I take him in my hand. His eyes close and he bows forward, forearms bracing on either side of my head. I press a kiss to his parted lips as my fingers travel slowly over him. When I reach the tip of his erection I add my other hand to the base. I focus on what I'd read, the methods she'd suggested, and align them to what he'd shown me before. He groans as one hand twists as it moves up and I brush my thumb over the tip.

I watch my hands wrapped around his length that feels like satin over steel, somehow velvety but hard. I move them in unison, down and up, rotating, and I swear he gets harder in my grip.

A rush of power comes over me and I tilt my lips to his. "Am I helping?"

He nods and I kiss him lightly as my hands start working faster, his breathing becoming harsh. The power reshapes and intensifies as I watch his face. My blood sings as pleasure etches into it, knowing there's absolutely nothing else he can focus on right now other than my touch and what it's doing to him. There's no contract, no problems, no stress, no family issues, no impending meeting pressing down on his shoulders.

Water cascades down his back and because I'm outside of the hot spray the tiles chill whispers over my skin making it pebble, accentuating the ache in my breasts. I can almost feel the phantom press of his mouth there again and I bite my lip, watching my hands on him between our bodies.

He makes a noise low in his throat and I glance up to find him watching through hooded eyes. His mouth claims mine, teeth scraping against my lips, and I'm taken back to last week when he'd been wild with possessive kisses.

"You want me." I breathe.

"Yes." He moves one arm from beside my head, hand collaring my throat lightly before skimming down to cup my breast. Tingles immediately run over my hips to the apex of my thighs.

"How do you want me?" I whisper, leaving one hand to lazily pump up and down whilst the other goes to his thigh, raking my nails over it.

His hand sweeps up and under my jaw, lifting my eyes to his. Burnt earth with gold embers. His touch might be steady but his voice is rough. "Desperately. In every way."

I grin and he groans, hand leaving me to brace against the wall as I pick up the pace again.

The last time I'd been too caught up in being curious, intrigued, thrown by how different it was happening, how my old normal had completely twisted my perception of things. But now, this 6ft 7 man made of muscle and skill, completely at the mercy of how I'm touching him fills me with so much confidence. I want to make him feel overwhelming pleasure, I want to make him feel good and I want him to know I enjoy it.

I kiss his shoulder and then drop to my knees. I hear him suck in air through his teeth. I'd read and re-read the pages on this, it's just about combining methodology to instinct. I take the tip of him between my lips and look up. He's rigid, still braced against the wall, pink staining his cheeks and when his gaze meets mine he curses in Russian.

Good sign. I try not to smile as I take him further. I keep one hand on him like he'd shown me and use it for the rest of him that I can't fit in my mouth. I hum around him when I get him as far back as I can and he lets out a string of Russian mixed with my name. I'd read the important thing was consistency in pace, only stopping to tease when necessary and as much as teasing is fun I want him to get to that place he's brought me twice. Where your body completely shatters, unleashing this unyielding tide of pleasure that possesses every sense so all you know is it. He says my name again with more urgency and I hollow out my cheeks when I draw back, only to take him quickly again. My tongue slides against him, applying pressure and sliding over the tip tasting the barest tang of salt.

"Blyad'!"

Fuck!

I look up at him with just the very tip poised on my lips. His expression is raw desire and my hand twitches toward my inner thighs. He reaches for me with lightning speed, hands clamping around my upper arms and lifting me, ignoring my sound of protest. His mouth crashes onto mine, back colliding with the wall as he presses into me and pushes my hand between us. His tongue lashes against mine and I moan at the urgency of it, his powerful hips roll into my hand as it moves.

He breaks away and pants against my cheek. I'm panting with him as if his erratic heartbeat is my own. I take a deep breath and give him a firm but gentle push.

"Dimitri." I try to sound stern. "You're purposefully distracting me."

I kiss his neck, teeth catching skin and he groans, hips rolling sharply into my loosened hand. I push again and he moves the few crucial inches. I drop back to my position.

"Rose."

I glance up to him braced above, eyes a burning night. "Do you want me to stop?"

He shakes his head in two sharp movements. "Then let your siren drown you."

He curses when I take him back in my mouth. I know what to expect, I know he was trying to be considerate but I wanted to own what I did to him, wanted him to shatter with my mouth on him in the most intimate way. His hips roll and I moan, one of my hands instinctively going to the tips of my breasts to tease that ache as he had. He swears again and I look up at him, cheeks hollowing to the point I could cause pain. His eyes close as desperation and pleasure war on his face. I moan around him and suddenly he lets out a loud surrendering groan, hips jerking erratically and I still as he thrusts between my lips, nails gripping his upper thighs.

I don't know what he was being so considerate about, he doesn't taste bad. Having him on my tongue makes something instinctual preens inside me. No wonder he'd been so smug when I'd shattered for him.

I kiss his hip before standing, sliding up against him. He leans into me like he needs support. I slide my hands around his waist, fingertips tracing water.

He stirs against my cheek, kissing the spot under my ear and I shiver.

"What have you been reading? He asks again, voice thick.

I grin. "That's a secret. I like being the best at things."

"You are a fast learner." He whispers against my lips before kissing me deeply.

He moves us slowly back under the shower-head, warmth encasing me from his body and water. He kisses me slowly, languidly with his hands roaming over my back. He reaches for the body wash, the citrus tinting the steam, and lathers it over me. There's something so tender about washing each other we don't speak and there's no need to. Gentle presses of lips and fingertips skimming over each other says enough. For a few minutes we simply hold each other under the water until he turns it off.

He passes me a towel and then a smaller one for my hair. I rub myself down, towel my hair and snatch up his t-shirt and pad into his bedroom. I have my arms inside it when he comes up behind me.

"What are you doing?" He asks in a low tone. He grabs the material and it makes a slapping noise as it hits the wall. I swallow meeting his gaze.

"I think walking into the hall naked is pushing it." I say dumbly and he smirks.

"You think you're the only one with plans?" I'm rooted to the spot. He's only wearing a towel and the warmth of his chest against my shoulder makes me shiver. His lips graze my ear.

"Choices. Wall or Bed?"

What?

My breathing is shallow and I can't connect my head to my mouth.

"Or we can go start on dinner." He says softly, mistaking my silence for apprehension.

Uh, no. I've been burning for days. Reading a damn sex book and being unable to sleep without making up about fifty scenarios in my head that just leaves me squirming and exhausted, no matter how many times I imagine my touch is his.

"Wall." It drops from my lips in an exhale. I yelp when he spins me and walks me the short distance until my back meets the wall. His fingers curl under my chin and he kisses me lightly. I try to reach for him but he drops to kneel in front of me, kissing the border where the underwear hugs my skin and hooking his thumbs into the material. He them pulls down and then throws them away as I try to regulate air into my lungs.

He looks at me and I try to absorb the quiet confidence in his face, especially at his next question.

"Tongue or touch?" Heat floods my face, burning. He kisses my thigh and it's a miracle I'm not shaking. "Roza?"

Choices.

"Tongue." I breathe and he hums in approval before hooking my leg over his shoulder.

My nails dig into the flat surface, my hair hanging damp over my shoulders and chest as he leaves an open kiss at the highest point of my leg. His hands move slowly and purposefully up my torso.

I'm burning and aching and needing…

The tip of his tongue touches against my seam and travels lightly up. My eyes close and my lungs pause, until he presses it flat against the centre of the ache. I arch off the wall, dragging in air as he cups my breasts. He doesn't tease, he doesn't hold back and all control over myself is deserted. There's only the sensations and undiluted pleasure of his tongue rolling against me in the most delicious of ways. I'd briefly thought the first time I'd been touched here, like this, it had been the newness of it that had me feel like my skin was too tight to contain the thrumming pleasure pulsing beneath it. I was wrong.

He moans into me and I whimper, my hands covering his. I've never felt so exposed and so alive, stripped and safe, powerful but delicate as the pleasure climbs. It can only be like this with him, only him.

"You are for me." I pant and he responds by grasping me tighter under my hands and his tongue dips inside of me and my leg almost buckles. I am beyond words or thinking or control as the feeling careens over the edge and shatters through me in unrelenting pulses. I think I hear myself cry out and I'm not holding myself up anymore.

Shudders wrack my body as I settle back into it. Dimitri gently unhooks my leg and places my foot back on the floor. I will strength into my legs as he kisses the inside of my knee, my thigh, my hip, the plane of my stomach before standing and lifting me effortlessly. My knees try to lock to his hips but I can hardly feel them as he lies us down on his bed. He kisses my jaw and hovers over my lips in question, one I'd already answered the first time he done that to me. I lean up and press my lips to his, loving I'm the taste on them and he seems to think the same way as his tongue dips into my mouth.

I am ruined for this.

"Are you cold?" He asks a few minutes later.

"I'm on fire."

He pulls the bed throw around us anyway, probably worried about the stupid flu making a reappearance. He holds me as we lie on our sides facing each other and I start giggling against his lips.

"What?" He grins, brushing my damp hair back and tucking the throw tighter to me.

"How...how do people get anything done?" I ask, laughter breaking the last word. "I mean, if we could, I'd want you only in a towel all the time."

He tries to sober his expression. "We both know I'm far too shy and modest for that."

I blow air out of my lips and he laughs. It lights up his whole face.

"So I'd just be walking around half-naked by myself? And you'd be staring at me the entire time."

"I couldn't just stare, not now." He says quietly and rolls me onto my back. His hand roams over my ribs, lightly over my breast and my eyes flutter closed. He presses a kiss to the base of my throat.

"Good." I murmur, as he kisses up. "But that's what I mean. How does anyone get anything done?"

"I don't think a lot of people have this." He whispers, looking intently down at me, that small smile on his lips and laughter still in his eyes.

"Because I'm for you?"

"Yes."

"And you're for me?"

"Undeniably."

That place in my heart that's been shown light is flourishing, the shadows keeping to the outer edges and slumbering. I smile up at him and tug him down to me. I kiss him until I need to break away to breathe. He shifts and pushes my thigh outside of his.

"When I gave you choices before, it wasn't one or the other. I was asking what order." He informs me, fingertips trailing up my leg.

"Oh." I breathe. Wall. Bed. Dinner. "Lucky me." He grins and it's entirely wicked, a hint of possessiveness in his eyes. "And the other choices? Were they about order?"

Tongue or touch.

He hums. "No. They're still open options."

I hold his gaze. "Touch."

His hand travels higher. "It's insatiable... this craving, isn't it?"

I swallow. "Yes."

His touch traces in the same light stroke as his tongue had and I force myself to be still, denying my hips the instinct to push down and find friction. He grins and I realise he hadn't teased me before but he is now. I scowl at him and he grins wider.

"So impatient." He murmurs. I open my mouth to hiss the few Russian curses I know but I'm abruptly cut off as he palms me. "But we both know I like challenges."

I haven't a chance to recover before his fingers part me and brush along the wetness waiting for him. He makes a satisfied noise as his thumb circles the spot I'd had his tongue previously and my hips roll trying to reach it.

"Patience." He murmurs.

"Please."

His head dips to take my nipple between his teeth at the same time his thumb presses down where I need it to. My hips buck. "Manners get you everywhere."

Russian jerk.

His fingers slide down, low and brazen, and everything narrows to his touch. He pauses at the molten core of my body. I bite my lip to stop from pleading and his lips ghost over my breasts. "I love these. You have no idea how much I love these."

"Dimitri." I demand and I feel him smile against my skin.

"Stressed, Roza?"

"Dik." I hiss.

"Are you naming the parts of me that you like?"

I would have snapped in frustration if a finger didn't slide into me, making me whimper instead. He hums testing it in and out as I clutch his hair, feeling the ache mounting, barely soothed, and how slick I am against his touch. He draws out and sinks in with a second finger. My hips bear down on the pressure, wanting more. He kisses up, up, up to my ear as his fingers pick up the pace and I moan loudly, my existence narrowed to the strokes. I peel back my eyes and he watches me utterly rapt, his hand between our bodies.

The question barrels into my mind and off my lips. "H-how will you fit?"

His eyes darken and his fingers continue to move in and out with determined purpose. "It would fit because you'd be ready for me. Just like this." His fingers withdraw to circle, emphasising the dampness there. "Wet, ready and we'd go slow." His fingers sink into me unrushed, unlike before, unlike what I need. "And you'd adjust."

"It won't hurt?"

His expression softens. "It might. To begin with but then it'll get better."

"Then it will feel like this?" I breathe, his pace picking up again and my eyes close.

His lips are at my ear. "Better."

I moan loudly and he cusses, his tongue delving into my mouth and matching the pace of his touch. The building has started again, dragging me to that edge and I rip my mouth from his. He nips at my neck and I arch off the bed, a scream catching in my throat. He strokes me through the rise and fall of coming apart until I'm trembling beneath him.

How the hell did anyone get anything done if sex felt better than that?

He strokes my stomach, shifting to lie beside me and my eyes flutter open. He's the definition of male pride.

He chuckles at my blissed state. "I told you before, I excel at physical challenges."

I blink and then lean up onto my elbow. His eyes drop to my chest. "I'm a fast learner."

He raises an eyebrow and hums before meeting my eye again. "So, dinner?"

I yank the towel open and roll onto him, knees tucked to his hips, skin that hasn't touched before lighting up. He grips my thighs.

"Roza." A warning laced in desire. I kiss his chest then, down, down, down. "Roza."

I glance up. "We aren't even."

He swears and I continue my path down.