TW: Child abuse/ explicit violence.

RPOV

I really like Lissa's house. It's warm, not just physically but touches around the place make it seem welcoming and more...homey. Victor's house is all shiny, clean surfaces from glass to marble and the only personal touches are the photos in the living room. Lissa's house has dark wood, soft cream walls, paintings, colourful rugs and rich blue sofas. Even the lights are different. At Victor's they're more whitish, bright so every corner is illuminated but here they're softer.

They haven't decorated for Christmas but Christmas music is playing in the kitchen where Rhea refills my glass with spiced wine. I like it. It isn't strong but it helps ease the tension that had pressed down on my shoulder the moment the front door closed on Dimitri.

I'm not sure how much time has passed but I know the meeting is bound to have started. If anything bad had happened we would know. I think we would know.

"Rose, would you pass me that serving bowl? Thank you."

Rhea won't let me help bar pass or carry food out. She says it's been a while since she's used her kitchen and she's enjoying it.

Lissa, Adrian, Andre, and Eric are in the 'family room' where we've been eating and playing games. It's been nice, strange, but nice.

Distracting.

I take another sip of my drink and hum as the cloves and orange dance over my tongue.

"Another few minutes." Rhea announces, closing the oven and turning back to where I perch at the island.

She'd pulled her hair up and secured the twist with a clip. It's like looking at an older version of Lissa.

I'd volunteered to help her bring in the second round of 'party food', which is basically mini versions of things, when it was clear no one else was going to help. I didn't feel like I had to or it was expected. I wanted to help.

"Actually, there is something I would like to talk to you about." Rhea says with a small smile and my stomach drops

Last night I'd been dreaming of mountainside but instead of overlooking the valley, Dimitri and I had been looking at the ocean and I'd been complaining I wished it were warmer. The blue stretch of sea shimmered, distorted, Dimitri disappeared, and this odd sense of awareness came over me. I knew I was sleeping so I knew not to panic – then Adrian was there, and we were back in that courtyard.

He'd told me he was staying with the Dragomir's, and he'd finally spoken to Lissa. She wasn't angry with me for lying to her, but she wasn't okay with it either.

"It's' hard to tell people about yourself. The things you keep a secret." Adrian said softly. "You understand that right?"

I did. I do.

And now Rhea is looking at me intently and I'm too aware of the secrets I'm keeping. I hadn't had time alone with Lissa yet to talk to her about it. I needed to tell her myself I didn't like knowing her business without her consent.

Secrets are secrets for a reason. It's wrong to trade them when they aren't yours. Adrian shouldn't have waited so long to tell her…I shouldn't have either.

But what if Adrian's told Rhea or Rhea's figured it out? What if she'd heard them talking about it or 'practising' as Adrian said they have been?

It's been a second or two long to not have said something back.

I keep my expression in place, smile a little. "Oh?"

Rhea holds her hands together and she steps closer to the island, her voice lowering. "Yes. I want you to know I have already discussed this with my family, I don't want you to worry about that as I know how close you and Vasilisa have become." She seems to be searching for the right words and it's clear she's nervous. Under the counter my thumb brushes over my ring. "I felt, after Thanksgivings, that a greater deal of thought into your wellbeing needed to be considered. Now, I don't mean to discredit Victor and what he has done for you but – you have been mistreated twice in his home. That I know of."

I am very still and she smiles at me. It lights up all her golden beauty.

"We are inviting you to live here, with us, Rose. I, we, feel it would be safer and perhaps a more nurturing environment for you. Victor has a lot going on, moving parts and such, he could be called away at the drop of a hat and you would either stay behind alone or travel with him. I don't think that's good for you. I feel you need more stability. If you lived here, if you become a part of our family, you would be our priority. My priority."

My mind is blank. No words are coming to my tongue which feels dry and heavy in my mouth.

Rhea's eyes soften and she reaches over to touch my shoulder, a warm press of her palm on my arm. It's so strange to be looked at like this, by her, I can't mean anything to her.

"I don't expect you to answer now, I know it's a lot to take on board. Just, think about it and if you decide it's something you're open to we can discuss it further." Her fingers squeeze gently, right over the spot the mistress left her mark. "Now, would you take in the drinks? I'll be right in with the food."

I nod and lift the tray with the refills. When I'd volunteered to help her Eric had told me to sit down, Lissa said I didn't have to, Rhea had smiled and said thank you.

I wasn't expected to do be anything here but a guest, like Adrian.

It's bizarre if I think about it so I try not to. I try to be in the moment and believe it's all normal.

Adrian is drawing something ridiculous on the whiteboard as Andre shouts things at him.

"I thought you were good at art! What the hell is that?"

As soon as I set down the drinks Lissa tugs me into the seat beside her.

"The song is called 'Baby it's cold outside' so I'm guessing that sausage-shaped thing is a baby." She whispers and then laughs. Andre is clutching his hair and yelling more things at Adrian who's expression is just getting more frustrated as he taps his drawing.

I lift my drink and even though I'm trying to be present, be normal, Rhea's words are clattering around in my head.

Lissa catches sight of my expression before I can hide it. "You okay?"

I nod and turn my focus back to the game where Adrian is frantically circling star shapes above the sausage.

"Time." Eric calls, laughing.

"BABY, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE!" Adrian roars at Andre.

Andre looks at the board and then at his friend. "That's a baby?"

"Obviously." Adrian exclaims.

"That baby has more issues than the weather. I thought you took art classes?"

"I got it!" Lissa declares proudly and Andre mocks her.

Adrian points at her with the pen. "That's why you're the brains of the family."

"If that makes me the beauty, I am more than fine with that." Andre retorts, sinking into his chair.

"No, your mother has you beat there." Eric grins, his posture mirroring his sons.

"Brawn then."

Lissa and Adrian laugh so hard Andre hurls cushions at them both, one narrowly missing Rhea as she comes into the room carrying the food.

"Let me guess. Andre lost." She says.

A while later when the foods gone and the games dried up, Eric excuses himself to make a call and I work up the courage to tell Rhea how much I like her house. It makes me feel a little strange after our conversation and I don't want her to think that I'm saying it to flatter her.

"Rhea is a woman of excellent taste and high standards." Adrian says. Somehow during the game, he's swapped the mulled wine for a tumbler of amber liquid.

Lissa snorts and Rhea frowns at her before thanking me.

"Lissa, why don't you show Rose the rest of the house?" Rhea suggests.

Lissa pulls us from the room and up a long set of stairs that curves to the top floor. The wall on the way is decorated with family photos, Lissa and Andre getting older as we climb.

"Why did you laugh at what Adrian said?"

"I'll tell you when we're in my room." She pulls me down the hall and I guess I'm not getting a tour.

Lissa's bedroom is soft and girly with a canopy over her bed. It's not like Natalie's where there's so many details you feel like you already know her but there are hints of Lissa. Her floral perfume, a bookcase, a vanity table with her jewellery, and the Halloween costume she wore is hanging up in a clear bag on her closet door.

I plop myself on her bed as she closes the door and turns to face me.

We stare at each other.

"I'm sorry -" We say together and then laugh.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Thanksgiving." I say quickly, needing it off my chest. "Adrian wanted to talk to you first and made me promise."

She nods and looks away, leaning back against the door.

"What were you sorry for?" I ask.

"For not replying to your messages about it or joining the dream last night, I asked Adrian to leave me out of it. This…is hard for me and to be honest if it wasn't for Adrian and his big mouth, I would have always kept it to myself."

The video of Robert flashed behind my eyes. Zmey was finding people with abilities like Lissa and Adrian, they weren't safe. Adrian had said as much too, he said they needed help. I search for the right way to tell her but as soon as I open my mouth – my mind goes blank.

"What?"

"I – I can't remember what I was going to say but…I think Adrian is right. I think it's better you have the two of us and he has the two of us to talk to about it. To help."

She scoffs again. "Help how?"

I shrug. "It's got to be better than being alone, hasn't it?"

She sighs. "Christian knows too. About me, a little bit. Not about Adrian. He's been helping."

My fingers fist on my thighs but my voice is even. "Why did you laugh at Adrian downstairs?"

She pushes off the door and comes toward me. "Oh that. My dad's cheating on my mom, and she knows. I suspected he was so I asked Adrian to help me find out if she knew. She does and she just… allows it."

She joins me on the bed as I try to assess how she feels, what I should say. She doesn't seem upset by this but rather distracted and distant.

"How did Adrian find that out? Did he…compel her?"

"No. He tried to seduce her." She says simply and I gape.

"He…he tried to…with your mother?"

"It wouldn't have gone far, I was listening. She liked the attention of it, but she has this sense of dignity where not cheating means she's the better person in the marriage. If you can call it a marriage. I think she's being weak."

I'm out of my depth. I don't know what to say and I wish desperately Natalie was here. The only thing I can draw on is that fucking contract and how angry Dimitri being tied to Natasha makes me.

"Isn't she…angry with him?"

"No. Like I said, weak."

Lissa's face is cold, severe almost. I've never seen her look like this. I reach out and close my hand around hers. "I'm sorry."

"I'm fine." She says flatly.

I press my lips together. "No, you're not but…we don't have to talk about it."

She turns her green eyes on me. "Did she ask you to live here?"

My stomach flips. "Yes."

"What did you say?"

I shake my head. "I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. She made it sound like I'm not safe at Victor's but I am. And…you're not going to be here, you're going to college with Natalie so what would I do?"

Lissa turns to me and tucks up her legs. "I'm just going to be blunt, Rose. After these few days I just…I feel drained and I don't want to seem like I'm being rude, okay?" I nod and even though she's got make-up on I can see the hint of purple under her eyes. "I think she wants you here because without me and Andre, mainly me, being close she has less to preoccupy her. I think she does mean well, and she would do everything to help you, like getting a tutor and…other specialists but there's some self-interest. She's lonely and she's bored. You would be like gaining another child to keep her distracted, to have someone need her because being a mom's all she's had. She dropped out of college to get married, her husband's not fully invested in her so any dreams of spending more time with each other and doing whatever it is happy parents do isn't an option. I think she'll baby you."

I have been fighting so hard to stand on my own, to not rely on anyone as much as I used to rely on her. I'm becoming someone I could never have dreamed of being and I can't give it up.

I'm nodding, agreeing with her and the lump comes back to my throat. "It…was still really kind of her to offer. Even if it is self-interested."

"Not all of it is. She does worry about you, she does care. She cares about you as much, if not more, than she cares about Adrian. My mom's the only person I've been able to talk to about…how angry it makes me about the kind of life you've had. How unfair. I just think... I think you've done so well where you are. I think being where you have helped make you stronger. I think if you'd come to live here months ago, you'd still be the same, sort of. I think you'd be afraid because my mother would do nothing but coddle you."

I entertain it for a moment. Moving in here. I imagine Rhea wouldn't ask me to clean her house or expect me to make her meals. We'd cook together and I'd be in this warm house with a woman who smiled at me like she smiles at her children.

But I wouldn't have Dimitri. Or Ben. Or Spiridon. I wouldn't have sparring or running. I wouldn't be training to beat Dimitri. It wouldn't be the same kitchen where I know where everything is and can coax the boys to help me sometimes or experiment with new baked goods for them to try. I wouldn't have Natalie's little garden where the air smells different. I wouldn't have Ben teaching me bad words in Russian or have Spiridon to say them to.

I wouldn't have Natalie's room upstairs where I can hear her music and hear her dancing around above my head.

I wouldn't have the first space that was truly mine. The green that was the colour of everything new.

Dimitri wouldn't be across the hall. Dimitri wouldn't sneak in and curl around me every night. He wouldn't be able to tell me he loves me after he's kissed me senseless or tell me about his life.

"Will it hurt her feelings when I tell her no?"

"Yes, but her feelings aren't your responsibility. She'll have to be happy with the life she's made for herself."

Lissa's eyes aren't focused on the room, on me, and her voice is steeped in cold anger that makes my heart ache.

"Liss, I think you shouldn't be so angry with her. No, wait, please. I just, if your father is with other women then that must be hurting her, but she lets it hurt because it means you get to keep what we just had downstairs. You have a family and I think it makes her strong to pretend she's okay. That having moments like that are why she'll keep lying. I couldn't do that." There's a dent in my bedroom wall to prove how I couldn't do that. "You should be angry with him. He's causing the problem."

She breathes heavily and looks down.

"I…I think it's easier because it's everything I would hate to happen to me. It would have been what happened to me if I hadn't broken up with Aaron. That would be my life."

"So…she married her Aaron. She just realised too late."

"It's weird. I look at him and I'm not angry. I don't feel anything. He's like, it's like my dad was a lie. I don't know. I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Okay but –"

The door swings open causing us both to jump as Adrian strolls in.

He closes the door and points a finger between us. "I take it we're all caught up with what's happening."

Lissa pulls her hands out of mine. "Just about, you kind of walked in on the end of it."

"Timing was never my strong suit." Adrian raises an eyebrow at me. "Are you moving in here?"

"No."

He grins slowly like he's thinking something he doesn't dare say. It reminds me of Spiridon and I glare at him. "I can't think of what could be stopping you. I'd move in, in a heartbeat."

"Who knows, you might be my step-dad in a few years." Lissa says, voice devoid of any humour. She gets off the bed.`

"Ew, kids. The neighbours are a plus though." Adrian retorts but he gives me a look that conveys he's wary of her mood too. "I've got a bit of time until Andre comes looking for me."

There's a silence in which it's clear no one knows where to start or what to say. I take a deep breath and dive in, not sure if it's right but I need to have the things bouncing around my head laid out.

"So…Adrian can go into dreams, see auras and heal people. Liss, you can do that too, you helped me at Halloween. What else can do you?"

"Not a lot." She sighs.

"You can tell when people are lying." Adrian says. "Don't downplay yourself."

Robert could do that. Victor said as much.

I can't think of a way to phrase the bright light and turning Strigoi back to normal people. Then again how would they know anything about that? I doubt either of them have ever seen a Strigoi, thank god.

"And is like, compulsion, easier for you guys or stronger? Sorry I don't know how it works."

Lissa grins, looking a little more like herself. "Well, there's a reason Natalie always lets me talk us out of trouble."

"Yano, I used to think you were the boring one. Beside Andre and Natalie but now, well, you're just a little dark horse, aren't you?"

"And I used to not have to wonder why people thought you were attractive and endearing. Now I'm perplexed."

"Ask your brother…and your mom." Lissa wretches and I can only splutter Adrian's name, to his great amusement. "Sorry Rose. Lissa be sure to give Rose a 'bees and the bees' talk after. I think she knows well enough about the 'birds and the bees'."

He winks at me and fire takes over my face. Thankfully Lissa is muttering and reaching for a pillow so she doesn't see.

I don't know what birds and insects have to do with it but I know exactly what he's getting at, so much so that my mind betrays me and earlier in the car flash through my mind. My whole body is set aflame.

Adrian starts laughing.

"Leave her alone! Rose, honestly, ignore him. Brothers are gross and get WAY more out of it when you rise to it. They're idiots."

"I know about idiots, I live with Spiridon." I mutter, pressing my drink to my cheeks.

"Lucky you." Adrian chuckles, clasping his hand and stretching them above his head. "Shall we practice, Liss?"

I sit crossed-legged and watch. They take turns trying to compel each other and fight it. Adrian is better at throwing off compulsion than Lissa is and tries to explain to her how he does it. Then they move on to glamouring but quickly give up. The key to glamour is holding the secret but seeing we know to look past it, to try and dismantle it by looking for the smallest signs of the glamoured person. Lissa is better at holding hers, but I unravel it by spotting the papercut on her thumb.

I remember in Estonia that's how Dimitri had figured out the circle was around us.

"This was the only thing I was good at in my exam." Lissa says heavily. "Compulsion and glamouring. I might be deemed a danger to society seeing I can't specialise, but I can easily adopt disguises and flee."

"Don't be dramatic." Adrian says, clicking his lighter closed. Then open. Then closed. "You know as soon as you didn't show an affinity for one they would have called your headmistress, who would have called your father, who has called someone on the board and paid them off and your results will find their way to you in January stated you passed. Your specialty will be a surprise at least."

Lissa stares at him and he stops fidgeting with his lighter to shrug. "That's what happened with me."

I turn to Lissa. "Would your dad tell you that? Have you talked to them about –"

"Being stunted?" She snaps and I wince. Her expression softens. "Sorry. No, I don't think he will. We'll just pretend everything's okay and move on."

"How do Dhampir's get disguised? Can you like, extend the glamour?" I ask thinking of Tanner.

"What made you think of that?" Adrian asks. "Wanting to sneak out with me again?"

I roll my eyes. "No, In – "

My mind goes entirely blank.

They're both staring at me, waiting.

"I … I don't know what I was going to say, sorry."

"You said 'in'. In where?"

"Estonia." I say slowly.

"In Estonia what?" Adrian asks.

"I…I don't know."

Lissa frowns and Adrian stops playing with his lighter. He sits forward, looking around me but not at me.

"You were thinking of glamouring, you asked about glamouring influence on a Dhampir. Do you want to be glamoured?" Adrian asks.

I frown. "No."

"Did you know a Dhampir glamoured in Estonia, Rose?"

Tanner's face appears in my mind and then it's gone. All that comes out of my mouth is a little puff of air.

"Oh my god." Lissa says slowly.

"What?"

"You're compelled." Adrian says. His eyes trace a path around me and panic surges up my spine

"I – what? Compelled to do what?"

"To not talk about something involving a glamoured Dhampir in Estonia, apparently."

Lissa turns to Adrian. "Dimitri, Victor's far Guard, he got badly injured. Natasha Ozera had to send a plane to get him home and he didn't recover for weeks. Maybe it was that? Like how he got hurt and they made Rose forget."

"Dimitri wasn't glamoured. Dimitri was exhausted and Victor didn't care about that, so there's these adrenaline packet things you can drink and Dimitri took too many. He also got hurt when he was out with Ben doing something for Victor, again he didn't care, and then when he was fighting his heart was working too hard and it stopped in the motel." I said too much. I have said way too much and yet my mouth is still opening and I'm still talking. "Natasha had to send the plane because Victor wouldn't help us. Spiridon and I were the ones that made sure he stayed alive."

I'm breathing heavily and they're both staring at me in a mixture of shock and concern.

"But we're all okay now." I add feebly and take a long drink of my soda.

"You…Rose." Lissa begins, looking at a loss and then she shakes her head. "Then Victors compelled you. He's the only one who could."

"Adrian compelled me, in Estonia." I fire back.

Lissa turns to him with golden rage hard rage igniting on her face. "Do to what exactly? No one's filled me in on that yet."

Adrian bows his head and rubs the back of his neck. "I did and then I came clean about it. Are you still angry with me about that? Because it's going to suck if you throw it at me every chance you get."

"If she's still angry about it she has every fucking right to be." Lissa seethes.

I'd just wanted to redirect the conversation and now I've made it worse.

"No, no, I'm sorry. I panicked. Adrian has apologised and I do forgive him, I do. I just, I've told you before I don't want to give Victor a reason to compel me, for a second time I guess. You know I can't tell you much about my life before, name and places. I can't or Spiridon will drag me in front of him and I'll forget everything, and I can't forget it or forget her. So…whatever I've been compelled to forget it's probably Victor's business that I shouldn't know or shouldn't share. It can't be important to me, not really, because why would he let me remember everything else?"

We're all silent for a moment and I take it as a good sign that Lissa's body relaxes.

"I really do regret what I did." Adrian says quietly. "After that, well father-son relations are at an all-time low because I refuse to do him those kinds of favours anymore. Which is why I'm constantly following Andre around and inviting myself home with him."

"You know you're welcome here." Lissa says quietly, folding her arms.

"These things have an expiry date." Adrian tries to smile but it collapses quickly. "Run their course. People stop calling back."

"But we won't do that. You haven't had real friends before and I…well we found each other when I didn't have any yet either. Not really. You both…mean a lot to me and I won't give you both up easily."

Adrian's smirk returns and I know I've said the right thing. "Is that a threat or a promise?"

I make a show of considering it. "A promise. I already have threats out on people."

Adrian laughs and crosses his ankles. "Do we start chanting now? Is there an initiation process for friendship? I wouldn't know."

Lissa rolls her eyes. "No but for your introduction to friends 101 Adrian, we don't lie to each other, we don't compel each other, and we look out for one and another, okay?"

"It's a lot to remember but I'll try."

A sweet moment passes and then it gets the funny kind of awkward.

"Well… we can't exactly lie to you and I can't compel anyone." I say.

"What if it's a nice lie? A white lie? Like I don't want to hurt your feelings on your wedding day, that kind of lie?"

"You're both annoying. And I'm not a lie detector, it's more like, if someone is telling a strong lie. It's hard to explain."

"This odd ability is hard to explain? Shocking." Adrian says and slides to the floor. The look he gives me means the topic of compulsion is not completely dropped. "Do you want us to try and dismantle the compulsion?"

"I don't know." I answer honestly. "I don't know what there would be for us to gain out of it if it doesn't directly affect me. Do you know what I mean? If it was harmful then…I don't think Ben or Dimitri would allow it."

"It might not be harmful, but it could be useful? But I know what you mean."

"It's not like I have forgotten." I say carefully. Tanner and Dimitri fighting, Robert in the video – I can see it all but I can't form the words. I can't do it. But I've spoken these names before but only to those inside Victor's circle. "I – can't talk about it. Not to you guys."

"Okay. So, pass on that for now. What about actions?" Lissa puts to Adrian.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, compulsion is on a spectrum of things. It can influence how you think, how you recall memories, how can react or conduct yourself. I…well to be honest I think you might have a compulsion for your own welfare put on you from when you first came home with Victor. Because you were so…afraid and then you'd do or say things and look surprised about it."

"I didn't just stop being afraid. I was afraid of everything."

Lissa hums. "Yeah, that was too deeply ingrained and would mess with a lot of your mind. It would be something simple."

"Again, do you want me to try and find out?" Adrian urges.

They both look at me expectantly. I don't know how I've become more involved in this other than just being someone to confide in.

I know it would be helpful to test their abilities. I don't like knowing there's a compulsion on me, that Victor messed with something to influence my choices but…I don't want Adrian to do the same thing. Whatever has happened to me it's for me to find out first. What if it's something bad and then all three of us know? I don't…I'm not ready for that.

When Adrian confessed he'd compelled me – I felt so uncomfortable in my skin. Wanted desperately to crawl out of it.

And if these compulsions have been put on me by Victor, then maybe Dimitri knows what it is.

Why wouldn't he have told me though? Maybe he doesn't. Spiridon will know what it is but whether he tells me or not is a whole other battle.

I shake my head and ignore the hint of disappointment on their faces. "No, not right now. It's a lot to even find out that there is something there. Sorry."

"Your body, your choice." Adrian shrugs. "Try searching for my aura again, Liss. I'm dying to know if I have a personality of my own."

A few minutes pass in silence in which Lissa stares at him and Adrian closes his eyes, waiting. More minutes pass and he cracks one open.

"You look constipated."

Lissa exhales heavily and I release the breath I'd also been holding.

"Thank you, Adrian, thank you. That's very helpful."

"The only way you were going to start seeing colours is because a part of your brain blew a gasket." He says.

"Maybe you can do the dream thing, you just don't know how yet." I supply, unhelpfully.

"No, I can't. I know I can't."

"So, we're different but have the mutual skills. You know when people are lying, and I invade their personal space...a lot."

Speaking of brains and personal space. "How bad was it at Thanksgiving? How much did you help Spiridon?"

Adrian's olive eyes slide to me but it's Lissa who says, "A lot. That man should be in prison."

"Was he okay?" Adrian asks quietly.

"Yes, he had a headache the next day, but he put it down to a hangover. It made him more intolerable than usual."

"He was in a lot of pain." Adrian says quietly.

"Yeah, but you helped pretty quickly. Then got him drunk."

Adrian shakes his head and mutters something that sounds like 'before that'. I open my mouth to ask what he means but Lissa beats me to it, asking him if he had any side-effects after or 'episodes' but he says it just made him exhausted and he slept for fourteen hours.

"It might have been worse if I wasn't already drinking, I'm not sure."

I listen to them and note how Lissa starts to relax as the conversation goes on. She locks her door and settles back onto the carpet. I learn that the ability they have builds up like an itch that needs to be scratched, a stiff muscle you have to stretch and if they don't expel some magic it makes them irritable.

"I get sensory overload." Adrian explains, threading his fingers through his mussed-up hair. "My clothes, sounds, light – it's all too much. Dream-walking can take the edge off but it's hard to sleep when I can't stand how my bedsheets feel. Drinking dulls it. Drinking helps a lot."

"I'll ask people things I know they'll lie about but it doesn't help." Lissa confides. "There's a plant in our room I treat like a stress ball, I'll make it wilt and then revive it again. It never blooms the way Natalie can get it to."

"That's not what you do for control, Lissa." Adrian says quietly. Her green eyes flash but Adrian continues to watch her steadily. "Or does lying to yourself somehow work?"

"Go to hell." Lissa mutters, crossing her arms. "I can't carry a flask around me, even Natalie wouldn't tolerate that, and I care about school. I want to concentrate, and I can't do that if I'm buzzed. I – and it's only if it's bad. Like what Adrian described of everything being too much to stand and I get paranoid. I get the biggest sense of relief when I heal someone so if I have to, I'll heal myself."

I blink. "You hurt yourself?"

"Not badly." She defends. "Rose, it's so hard to explain but it's like the walls are closing in and you have this overwhelming fear, like something you can't see is coming for you and –"

"There's nowhere to hide."

I say it without meaning to and she looks up from the floor. "Yes."

"Go on." Adrian encourages.

"I'll run the water in the shower too hot until it burns, or I'll cut my thighs. Not a lot. Not deeply. Just enough to be able to concentrate on it, on that pain, and then it's like letting out a breath you've been holding for too long, using the ability. It's a rush. And when I'm done my head it clear…the dark, heavy thing has lifted."

I can understand the feeling she describes before, but I don't understand how pain is the way to help take it away. When I feel like that it's because I'm anticipating pain…

But then, there was no one to heal or take it away.

It's obvious Lissa is embarrassed, and I recognise the signs of wanting to fold in. Of wanting to take back the words you have said, of the silence being too loud and making you feel small.

I slide to the floor beside her. "Do you have to do that a lot?"

She exhales. "No. Well, these past few months it's been like once a month where before it used to be every few months but I think it's because I've been stressed with school, Aaron, Mia, my parents and…" She glances at me but says, "other things."

I straighten. "Me? You've been worrying about me so much it's –"

She makes a small noise of frustration, "Of course I have but it's not just you."

My face heats and I pull my hand away from hers. "And how has Christian been helping?"

Lissa folds her arms. "He caught me doing it. He saw the blood on my thighs and the razor in my hand. He was so upset and he wouldn't believe me that I was fine even though he couldn't see where the blood had come from. He was going to get someone, so I had to show him."

"What did he say?" Adrian asks.

Lissa smiles a little and hatred rears in my chest. "He didn't say anything for a few minutes, kept touch over the spot and then he looked at me and… told me I was amazing."

"And that's helpful?" I ask in a tone that is Spiridon-like.

Lissa casts me a look. "No. He... I was upset and he knew what I was going to do if I was left alone so he did it and then I healed him."

"I can't decide if that's a sign of a dysfunctional relationship or a functional one." Adrian says, looking wistful.

"But this is why we can't tell any more people." Lissa says. "Christian knows about me, to an extent, and it freaked him out. He's promised he won't tell anyone as long as I don't do something…serious. Rose knows and that's enough, that's enough for now. The more people know the more it will get away from us and people will make up their own minds about how to help."

"And we end up locked up. Yes, I know." Adrian says.

'Miss Karp's been taken to a facility to help her. She really hurt herself apparently.'

I look at them both and Adrian gives me a small smile. For the first time, I feel real fear for them, the cold chill that travels down my being into the dark depths where I used to retreat. Where a closed-door rattles.

"That's not going to happen to us." Adrian says but he doesn't sound confident.

"It's not. It won't." I say quickly. "I can help too. You don't need to depend on Christian."

"I'm not doing that with you." Lissa says sharply. "We didn't tell you so we could experiment on you."

"I didn't mean it like that." I say but it's not enough to deter her.

"You think I would do that to you?" She demands, anger hot and cracking in her voice. "You think I could?"

She stares at me and the scarred skin on my back prickles. It was the wrong thing to say. Lissa who had been the most outspoken and the most open about how angry she was about how I had lived, who demanded to know who was responsible, who wanted to help deliver the consequences, who hugged as I told them about Janine – would never be able to bring herself to break my skin.

But the boy of the people who were more than happy to would do it for her. There is some cruel joke here waiting to be put together and spat out.

"We just need a friend, Rose." Adrian says, drawing my attention.

There's no humour, no mischief, no silly jokes hiding in the corners of his mouth. His expression is the most serious I have ever seen it and it makes him look older.

"I've always been your friend." I tell him. "Even when you gave me reasons not to be."

"This could also be a reason. What we've just described mean we are unpredictable. Dangerous." Adrian returns gravely.

"Like most Moroi." I snap and Lissa flinches. "I didn't mean that. I'm sorry."

"Yes, you did." Lissa says.

I take a deep breath and try to soothe my irritation. I hadn't slept well last night. The conversation I'd had with Adrian had been a lucky one because most of the night I had tossed and turned. I'd kept thinking of the hounds and soon they'd be outside. I made myself believe that the wind contorted to sound like their low howls. It made my heart beat faster, made fear press down, and lock my limbs until I forced myself out of bed to splash cold water on my face. Then I'd returned to bed and worried about the meeting.

"Listen, I know the truth and we can't change that. The truth doesn't change that I am your friend, and I am going to help in any way I can. Adrian, you can pop into my head whenever, show me places you've been, just stop smoking – I wake up and think I can smell it in my hair."

I retake Lissa's hand and wait until she looks at me. "You can talk to me about things, you know you can. Remember at the end of summer and you left that party and we got burgers with Ben? Even then you knew you could tell me things. And…needing to use your ability or element or whatever it is mean you need to heal injuries; we can think of something."

"And if we can't, we're fucked." Adrian says cheerily and we laugh.

A while later we hear Andre's voice calling for Adrian from the hall.

"We're all in here." Adrian shouts back. "Dressed unfortunately."

Lissa's bedroom door opens a crack and Andre's blonde head pops in.

"What are you doing?"

"Lissa was going to pierce my ear, but I've changed my mind." Adrian says, somehow telling the truth but making it sound like a lie. They were going to pierce each other's ears and then try to heal them over.

It made me feel queasy.

"So that's what girls do in their spare time? Stick each other with pointy things."

"Not so different to what some boys do." Adrian returns and Andre gives him a dark look. "C'mon, let's go check your emails, that kids bound to have sent those essays by now."

"Please tell me you are not paying someone to write your papers?" Lissa demands.

"Do I look like someone who's going to write thousands of words on business start-up and freemium models?" Adrian retorts, examining his reflection before putting a hand on Andre's shoulder. "Let's go."

He and Andre slip out, the latter shouting back something about Lissa always making things harder for herself.

Lissa lets out a string of language so colourful my mouth drops open.

"What?" She fires at me.

"Nothing. I just...that was impressive. For a moment there you turned into Natalie."

Later we're spread over Lissa's bed with her laptop, a notebook, and a few of her older schoolbooks. We have been looking at various jobs at Court and the qualifications I would need. I've been writing each one down, which has made the process longer, but Lissa had said I should for practice, and I didn't feel self-conscience with her.

I needed a lot of qualifications, even to just be a cleaner for the rest of my life.

"I think it would be smart for you to get the GED too. The human version of a high school diploma. It means you have access to things in their domain too. It shouldn't deviate too much from what you're already going to study, you've got English and Spiridon is helping with math right?"

"A little." I murmur, concentrating on the pattern of letters.

I'd sat down with one of Natalie's old books and within minutes my fingers were gripping my scalp as the words blurred and refused to make sense. Spiridon dropped into the seat beside me, and I braced myself for the opportunity he was seizing.

"Read it out loud." He instructed, biting into an apple.

"So you can laugh at me? No thanks."

"If I wanted to laugh at you then it would have been when you fell on your ass earlier. It was really impressive that you tripped over nothing." He tapped the book with a finger. "Read it aloud. It helps."

It did help and then he helped me solve the problem.

"Maybe we could get you extra test time. People with dyslexia get an extra twenty minutes or something and I don't think it would be unfair to cite exceptional circumstances for you."

I frown at the page. "What's dyslexia?"

"Uh, it's a learning difficulty –"

I look up. "I don't have a learning difficulty. I'm just… slow."

"I know that I just mean if we can get you extra time we should."

I turn back to the page and try to wrestle the irritation down. She's trying to help. It makes sense but–

"My mother had to steal food labels and scraps of paper for me to practice writing on. I used to hate it. I didn't understand why she was making me learn it and why we'd do it if it had to be a secret. Then the markings became letters that became words, words started to link together, and the walls of the barn would disappear for a few seconds. I learned my name first. Traced it in dirt and on trees. Learned that I wasn't the only 'Rosemarie' but I could be 'Rose' and there were different meanings to it. I used to wonder where my meaning was, there were all these words with their definitions so what would mine say?" I inhale deeply, almost smelling the dry wood and dirt, the ghost of the Arizona heat presses around me. "I don't want extra time. I can do it."

I hear Lissa swallow but I don't look at her and continue jotting out the sentence, urging the pen to move faster. I had gotten better and gotten more confident in making the letters bigger instead of cramped.

I had more space in the world now so I should be taking up more space on a page. It's a hard habit to break, it feels unnatural.

"Have you thought more about…talking to your mom? Asking how she is?"

"I have been thinking about it. Victor made things better and I told you they check in but Natalie was right. I don't know and I should. If – if she'd left me and could talk to me if she wanted, I would feel…abandoned."

Lissa grabs my hand. "Natalie didn't mean to make you think or feel like that. And your mom will also know that it wasn't like you took off to live a better life without her, you didn't leave her behind and do anything wrong. You were taken. I know it was for the better but it wasn't something you decided for yourself – it was scary. And we don't tell you enough how proud we are of you and I am so grateful to have met you but please, do not think you have done something wrong when it's wrong that you were ever put into this position in the first place."

I stare at her and those feelings, that large tide that tries to pull me under, trembles in my chest. I make myself talk so as not to let it have the opportunity, to not see the way Lissa is looking at me, and consider it an invitation.

Lissa's fingers tighten on mine and I focus on it. "I've been thinking of her and making a list of things we could send her. Not just clothes but the likes of toiletries, vitamins, and supplements."

I swallow. "I love that you've been thinking of her even though I've been trying not to. I'm not sure how or if we're allowed to send her things but I'm going to try and talk to her. Dimitri told me I can, he actually tried to tell me that we could go and visit her, but I don't think I could do that…and then leave her again."

Lissa starts like she's thought of something, jade bright and intense. "Maybe you wouldn't have to leave her – maybe she could come back with you?"

I'm shaking my head. "Lissa, I can't daydream about that –"

"Not a daydream. My mom will want to help, she can talk to Victor and maybe –"

"No." I try to smile at her. "Let me speak to her first."

She nods slowly, accepting my answer and then gently she asks, "Why are afraid to?"

I look down at our clasped hands, imagine everything I'm feeling displayed in the palm of my hand for her to read. I resist the urge to rip mine away. I'm glad Adrian isn't here.

"For things I've explained before and things I can't."

I love a man. I love a Guardian. He's not like them. I talk back. I fight back. I take without asking. I take without thinking. I have more than I need and I like it. I don't hide. I like my body. I like his body. I like what they can do together and it's not bad. I know the difference. I know it will make her hate me.

"I honestly believe she will be happy to hear your voice. No matter what's said, if she can't express it or you can't, all that matters is you hear each other's voices."

I can't say much more than 'yeah' and squeeze her hand.

"Do you want to talk about your mom?" It feels bold to ask when I'm still hiding so much when she and Adrian have already been so honest. I want to be able to tell her everything. I want it to be the right time to tell her about Dimitri but it isn't.

She shakes her head. "There's nothing to talk about. She got married too young. Moon eyed, dropped out of college, never had a job and if she leaves him she has nothing because that's the way Dragomir's design their marriages. Once you're in you're in and if you choose to leave you leave with only the clothes on your back – I'd understand if that was her reason but it's not. She still loves him. How do you love someone that lies and disrespects you so much? Who cares so little about anyone else?"

I look into my friend's face, knowing she's close to or already does love that sort of person. I use the brightest bit of truth there is. "Maybe because you're worth it? You, Andre, and having a family, it's worth holding that together instead of ripping it all apart."

"He ripped it apart." She says vehemently, finger tightening on mine, and rage that isn't my mine licks up my spine startling me. "And she's weak for letting him get away with it."

I pull my hand out of hers and the rage sputters into a lulling sadness, my own. I draw an arm around her shoulder so it doesn't seem so abrupt a move.

"I love you, Liss."

"I love you too. Right, okay, back to the task instead. This day's been so heavy. If Natalie were here she'd make us do something crazy or start telling us random pop culture facts. I bet she's pissed we're hanging out whilst she's stuck taking a test."

"Eating and planning – two of her favourite things."

Hours later Rhea is braiding my hair while Lissa rolls her eyes at me in the mirror. She'd brought us a tray of cake and tea as we were finishing up our 'get Rose a life' project and stayed when we decided we were going to put on a movie. I don't mind but I can tell Lissa was somewhere between annoyed and embarrassed.

She shouldn't be. She really shouldn't be.

Adrian lets himself in again and sprawls over the remaining section of the bed as the movie gets close to the end and then he helps himself to the last bit of cake I was saving.

"You're lucky I like you." I say between my teeth and he chuckles.

I'd probably be more annoyed if having my hair played with didn't make me so relaxed.

"I'll make it up to you. I'll be your date for the dance. A well sought after honour I'll have you know."

I snort. "I'm sure it is."

"That…would be quite the statement." Rhea says, securing my braid and resting her hands on my shoulders.

"I love making a statement."

"Scene. You love making a scene." Lissa corrects.

"Same thing."

There's a knock on the door and one of the Dragomir's Guardian's steps into the room. I wait for the cold demeanour to change, to show a hint of humanity but it doesn't, and it makes me want to look down.

"Guardian Belikov has arrived to take Rose home."

Relief spreads through me so intensely I find myself smiling as I gather my things.

"I thought you were staying?" Rhea asks.

"Yeah, we were gonna look at dresses." Lissa adds. She sounds so disappointed that it makes me feel bad, make me almost consider changing my mind. "Can you tell him to come back for you tomorrow?"

I babble some excuse about things needing to be done before we leave and not wanting to waste anyone's time driving me around. Rhea and Lissa walk ahead of me down the stairs, insisting I should stay.

I catch Adrian smirking at me and stick out my foot so he trips behind their backs.

We all come into the hall to find Dimitri is standing by the front door, statue-still and expression clear. He looks ahead at nothing and I wait for his gaze to find me.

"Guardian Belikov, I was under the impression Rose was staying with us." Rhea greets.

Dimitri's eyes move to her, and I collect my coat from the stand.

"Apologies."

He doesn't offer more explanation and the atmosphere immediately becomes uncomfortable. I know I shouldn't be paying such close attention to Dimitri, especially in front of Adrian, but I can't help it. The fact that he's here and not hurt had loosened a knot in my stomach I'd been carrying around all day. But…

He looks so severe, closed off, imposing – solidified in his Guardian mask and he won't look at me.

Why won't he look at me?

"Well, I'll ring Victor and clear this up right now." Rhea begins, taking out her phone. "One of our men can bring her back tomorrow."

"Mom." Lissa says. "Dimitri's already here, we'll see Rose in a few days."

"No, but you said yourself you have plans –"

"It's okay." I start. "I have a ton of things to do before we leave and Natalie's coming back from school tomorrow so-"

"Nonsense." Rheas waves off.

"Has something happened?" Lissa asks and I pull on my coat quickly.

"No, it's okay really. I would rather go home and get on top of things. I have training to do too." I hug Lissa quickly.

Behind her and Rhea Adrian stands on the bottom stair looking at Dimitri in a way that makes that knot pull tight. I pull away from Lissa and suddenly Adrian draws an arm around me and whispers in my ear that he'll talk to me later.

"Thank you for having me." I tell Rhea, the awkwardness mounting.

That golden warmth colours her face. "It was a pleasure."

She folds me in and it disarms me. An arm around the base of my shoulders and her hand placed on the back of my head. It lasts only for a few seconds but for those few seconds I'm somewhere else again and it was my only shelter.

I blink rapidly as we part and walk toward Dimitri who opens the door to the cold.

"I'll text you later!" Lissa calls and I smile at her before the door closes.

Dimitri walks ahead of me and trial after him.

Nothings wrong.

He gets quiet when he's thinking.

Nothings wrong.

Meeting Zmeys has been building for nearly a month, it's been stressful, and he's found it hard to sleep.

Nothing's wrong.

He pulls the car door open for me and I climb in. I turn to him and dare him to look at me, so he knows he can let the mask down, but he closes the door without a glance.

Nothing's wrong.

Earlier, maybe we went too far. We shouldn't have in the car. Maybe we were nearly caught and he's just making sure there's no room for suspicion.

My thumb pushes the gold band around as I watch him come to the driver's side and when he pulls the door open I drop my gaze to my hands.

If nothing is wrong why does it feel like I shouldn't say anything?

We take the road we were supposed to take earlier and watch the green pass by the window, waiting for him to say something, anything. We pass through a wide gate where I suspect a Guardian lurks in the shadows. Soon enough the forest falls away and we're on the open road, the dark navy of the sky lighter in the distance.

I take a deep breath but a flicker of light catches my eye. The screen in the dashboard is cracked, the green of the display showing wavy lines and in a part the glass has come away.

"Wh-" His hands grip the wheel, knuckles red and cut. "Dimitri, what happened?"

He doesn't say anything. Stares ahead at the road, expression blank.

It creeps up my spine in slow and heavy presses until it reaches my ear and whispers, 'something's wrong'.

"Dimitri, why did you do that to your hand?"

His fingers flex, eyes dropping to them as if he hadn't noticed before. I reach across and gently pull at his arm until his hand leaves the wheel and allows me to take it. He always holds my hand in the car.

His fingers wrap around mine just as tightly as I imagine he'd held the wheel. I examine the broken skin before bringing it to my lips. I hear him swallow.

"Why did you do this?" He doesn't answer. It's silent save for a car passings ours. "Dimitri."

He pulls the car over and without a word, he unclips his belt and then mine, and pulls me into a crushing hug. He presses a kiss against my head and the confusion mounts but I know not to speak yet. His hands run over my shoulders, down my arms and back again as if reassuring himself. He leans back to rest his forehead against mine.

The questions strain against the inside of my lips. Then he sighs and pulls away, head resting on the back of his seat.

What the hell is going on?

We sit in the dim light, and I wait for him to explain. The fear and questions begin to overturn, exposing anger on the other side.

"Tell me what happened." His hands go back to the wheel and grip it. "Do I have to go away? Did he ask for me again –"

"No." He says and turns toward me but he still can't bring himself to meet my gaze. "I wouldn't have stopped driving."

A panic I haven't felt in a long time reaches with its icy hands and locks around my throat. "Is it us? Does Victor know about us?"

"No."

The pressure ease from around my neck. "Tell me."

"I don't know how." He says to the point right of my shoulder and I resist the anger wanting to snap at him. I wait.

He's always been honest with me, always. Thing's people would find awkward to address he was always direct and calm, so this…

He takes a deep breath and reaches for my hand. I immediately take it, locking our fingers together and careful of the cuts.

"Zmey knew you being in our company was advantageous against the Ozera's. We underestimated the lengths he would go to, to find out why, assuming he would conclude the leverage, was you. He found the property in Arizona, Rose. He discovered what we had all those months ago –" His eyes finally meet mine. "and he took everyone from there. Everyone, Rose."

I inhale, everything else has paused inside me. "Took them where?"

Emotion finally cracks through the mask. "We don't know. Ben is trying to find out. Wherever they are they've been medically assisted, properly. He provided us files on … a report of each person's needs and medical care they require."

Without dropping my hand, which now feels like a foreign weight, he reaches down to the door pocket and pulls out a brown file. The cover is dented and creased. "This is Janine's, no one has looked at it."

He passes it to me and dumbly I take it. It's so light. This file can't contain all of her, it can't detail everything about her.

"Roza." His voice cracks and I lift my eyes back to his. "Do you understand what I'm telling you?"

I stare at him. "Yes. He went there because I didn't go with him. I fought back so he took her and them instead."

"No. This isn't your fault, this could never be your fault."

But it is.

I know it is.

I can't feel anything but the guilt will come and confirm it for me. It always does.

He's taken both of my hands and the file has fallen down the side of the seat.

"Roza, this is entirely our failure. Ours. Mine. Not yours and I promise I'll do everything to fix it. Ben will do everything he can to find her. I…I asked Zmey for a number to allow you to speak to her and he gave me one. I know it's not good enough but at least you can hear her voice, hear for yourself that she's well."

The TV at Victor's makes this noise sometimes when I forget to confirm I'm still watching. The programme will turn off and the screen will turn blue. There will be this low hum with it, easy to ignore until you recognise it, and then it's all you can hear. That's what my head is filled with right now – that noise.

"That she's alive." I hear myself say. "Not well."

My face is between his palms, the promise he made her presses against my cheek. "I don't think he'll harm her, I wish I could be certain but I don't think they will."

"She knows things. About him…about her. Zmey might want to know those things."

"Even more reason for him not to hurt her." I latch onto those words, store them away. "I think he wants to help them."

"You were helping them."

He leans back and his jaw flexes like I said something wrong. "We weren't doing enough. It wasn't nearly enough – on the way over here I called the Guardian we had posted there. He was disorientated but eventually, he told me that the estate was gone. They burned it to the ground…we should have done that."

I pull his hands off my face but don't let go. "It's gone?"

"Yes."

It bubbles up my throat before I can stop it and suddenly, I'm laughing.

"Rose."

I let go of him and run my hands over my face. "They set the mistress' house on fire and then took everyone to a doctor."

"Rose."

"I – I'm fine. This is okay. This is fine. You know I spoke to Lissa about this earlier, about wanting to talk to her. Natalie said something to me at Friendsmas, our sleepover, about how she might feel abandoned. And now she's been taken away by that man and I'm going to call her and say what? How are you? My life's been great."

"Rose."

"I didn't call sooner because I was too busy getting on planes, eating, making friends, getting drunk, kissing boys, learning how to throw a punch and oh, I love the Guardian you made a promise with to protect me. Your idea of protecting me would not include what we've been doing but that's why I haven't called. I've just been so busy."

"Roza, lyubimaya. This, all of this, is our fault. We let you down, we let her down."

I throw up my hands. "Yep. Your fault, everything is somehow always your fault. Sure."

He reaches for my face again and it surprises me more than him, I think, when I slap his hands away. It doesn't put him off though. "I promise you, look at me, I promise you. We will find her."

I glare into his face. "And then what?"

"And then we'll get her. You'll be together again."

He looks more upset than I am. I also know he means it but it's just too much to believe.

"Victor wouldn't let you help before because of the Ozera's. Lissa guessed it's because he needs to keep them on his side. She doesn't know obviously but I've told her about my mom, about her being where I got to leave. And I can't imagine they're going to be happy about their house burning down." Laughter bubbles up my throat again but I breathe around it and his thumb brushes my cheek. "Victor's not going to help us get her back. Victor didn't even try to help to get you back."

"No." He finally agrees, "but I wasn't counting on his permission."

His face is earnest, no hint of gold in his gaze. The Guardian mask is still half on and I know he's sorry, I know he's feeling guilty too and the mask is his way of trying to stay in control.

"Is that why you broke the screen?" His eyes move to the green flickering glass, and I wonder if it still functions well enough to tell us if something is near the car. "Were you that angry with him or afraid to tell me?"

He looks at it and one hand drops from my face to rub one hand over his chest. "Partly."

"What else happened? Dimitri, tell me everything. Now."

He does. He looks ahead, holding my hand and talking in that flat voice. I pick out and absorb information, waiting for the drop of what was affecting him so deeply, and the more he explains the more I make peace that this reaction is about Janine. I can't think beyond what he's told me about her, can't imagine her face or play out the situation happening. My mind refuses to, immediately pulls away when I try and relatches to his voice. I knew the others wouldn't be looked after as I had been. I knew they wouldn't have the comfort of a bed that fit three or warm water whenever they wanted. I knew they wouldn't be able to pick out different smelling soaps and shampoos based on their fancy. I knew this but hearing Dimitri tell me the bareness of their days provokes the anger that I was born with.

Work had at least given us all purpose. Fear had made each days end a victory. But those things had been removed and left them with nothing – true and real nothingness.

And I hadn't thought about it at all, comfortable being ignorant and telling myself that if something was wrong then I'd be told.

I hadn't considered that Dimitri and Ben wouldn't be told the full truth of things, that they wouldn't know about the nothingess.

He pauses to draw breath as I clutch his hands, the anchor as anger filters around my body, ancient and cold.

"I wish the Ozera's were in the house and then we'd know Zmey had done something good for the world." Another car passes and the headlights flood the car, igniting his expression, and my stomach drops. "What else?"

His hand tightens around mine and I focus on it, how it's almost painful.

"He didn't just take them and destroy the property. Zmey is an earth user, an extraordinarily strong one, and earth users can detect all living elements and… elements that have since deceased. Life and death." He turns to me and my fingers slacken around his – the mask has cracked and underneath is agony. "Roza, they found bodies."

The anger that has been coating my bones, thrumming under my skin, suddenly winks out.

He exhales, hand rubbing against his chest again. "A boy, they found a boy there."

I grip his fingers as tightly as I can, shaking my head. He needs to stop. He doesn't understand.

"No, it's okay. No. We don't talk about it."

I try to smile but a nervous stuttering breath undermines it and the way he's looking at me - I don't like the way he's looking at me.

"Roza, I broke that because it could have been you. She wanted to kill you that night, but I thought, I stupidly thought that was the first time they wanted to…I thought we'd gotten there in time. They could have killed you at any point and we would have been too late."

"But they didn't it's fine. I did what I was told, and I came inside when I was told – I did everything right so we don't have to talk about it." The agony is so raw in his face I can't stand it. I drop his hand and turn away to face the road. "It's fine. I'm fine."

A chills sweeps over my arms, coming from the black place in the depths of myself that used to be my refuge. It knows secrets. It's where I hide the parts I don't want to remember. Where I could hide when it was unsafe.

"Roza, you grew up with this boy. Lucas' other son."

"Stop." I push through my teeth. "I'm not allowed to – stop." The Arizona sun licks over my neck, and I slap my hands over it. "She said I can't because they'll know and I had to obey the rules or- "

In the depths of myself the door rattles, more ferocious than it has been in years. It hears him and wants out.

He still talking. He needs to stop.

I don't know how or when it started but I'm trying to hit any part of him I can reach because he has to shut up he locks my wrists, rendering it all useless and reminding me how weak I am, how worthless and stupid. I get one hand free from his hold and he's still talking to me, sounding as desperate as I feel. I try to open the car door but he won't let me and he won't stop talking.

I don't know when I stopped shouting words and started screaming. He pulls me back and I kick and thrash against it until it's citrus and snow pressing in, and his lips are at my ear no longer begging but telling me he's sorry.

And it's worse. It's so much worse because as much as the past wants out, to be remembered, it demands penance.

I whisper the last thing I can do to try and survive it. "It was my fault."

And the only voice that had ever told me the truth, no matter how ugly, whispers. "No, it wasn't"

The door comes off its hinges.

It was a hot day. So hot it felt like you couldn't breathe properly. It was like we were already being punished.

Sweat trickled down my neck and I Iifted my hair away from it, felt my top lift over my skin. I was taller than I has been a few days ago.

I wished for ice more than ever but I knew better than to ask. I knew better than to think our old tricks would work.

"The heat made everything annoying – talking, walking, looking at each other but if we left each other that would be worse. So, we worked in silence and it was an unspoken thing that we knew if we finished faster we could escape to the apple trees for a break."

I found him in our spot, between two tree's that were closer than the others. We used to try and make our feet touch with our backs to the bark but now our legs are too long. My toes tap against his knees.

"I got you a present." He said after a few minutes of silence.

We were in a fight he wasn't supposed to get me a present.

I couldn't help it, it made me excited and he'd spoken first which meant I'd won. I rarely won.

"What?"

He dipped into his pocket and rooted around. Every time we went to sleep he'd wake up a little different but all the little differents were adding up. I'd gotten taller but somehow I was still shorter than him. His clothes were getting too small too.

He pulled out his hand and between his thumb and finger, he held an elastic band. I smiled and I didn't care the skin on my lips cracked and stung from it.

"I know your hair is annoying you."

I took it from him and immediately pulled the heavy mass off my neck. "Thank you."

He grinned and the freckles across the bridge of his nose had multiplied. I always liked his freckles, they reminded me of my mother and made me jealous I didn't have any like that.

Some of my hair caught on the band but I didn't care. I snapped it into place and closed my eyes at the sensation of my neck being bare.

"I thought you were mad at me." I said. Not feeling like I'd won that he'd spoken first.

"I was."

I licked my stinging lip. "You shouldn't have spoken to him like that."

Eddie's hazel eyes, his mother's eyes, with their flecks of green, looked at me in that way like I'm saying something stupid.

"You would have too."

I couldn't lie to Eddie. Eddie's was more me than I was sometimes, the braver version, the more honest one. If I was thinking things, he usually said it.

"Yeah, and then you'd be saying this to me now. 'Rosemarie, you shouldn't have spoken to him like that'".

He chuckled. "I wouldn't call you Rosemarie. That Guardian's new. I thought maybe he would give me a piece. He probably would have if that other one didn't come out. He looked like he might."

The smile slips off my face at the mention of the new Guardian. He had been taunting him with chocolate yesterday and instead of walking away, Eddie had talked back. Then the new one had come and take my mother and she hadn't come back yet.

Eddie already knew what I was thinking and nudged my leg. "She'll be back soon."

I nod, trying not to think about her disappearing through the kitchen door and what happened the entire time she's inside. When she'd come back those times before she'd not really been there, she'd be in her head, and she couldn't properly hear me when I spoke to her. Then when she did start to listen, she'd always be angrier and I'd know to stay out of her way for the rest of the day.

Eddie's mother cried. Not just when she came back from the house but sometimes for no reason. She'd be fine and then she'd be crying. When she gets really bad only Eddie hugging her calms her down but once she was so bad and she was saying 'he's starting to look like him' and my mother made me promise to never repeat that to Eddie.

Eddie slept beside me the nights they'd both go inside and we didn't talk about it. If I got upset he would pretend he couldn't hear me because I shouldn't cry. Crying didn't get you anything and it seemed to bring more bad than good.

My mother never cried.

Sometimes, instead of sleeping I'd trace short words into the dust and tell him what they meant. He'd learned to write my name because I'd wrote it so many times.

I stretched my legs and pointed my toes, almost reaching his hip. Almost. "She's probably cleaning."

"Yeah." He agreed / lied.

My lips twitched. "Because it's not like those men do anything useful."

"I've never seen such stupidity." Eddie said in a high-pitched voice just like Mary's and I giggled.

She said that at least twice a day. Sometimes Eddie would do things just to see how many times she would say it. The most we've counted up to is seven.

I counted.

I told Eddie and showed him on my fingers.

"Imagine she said it to the mistress." I said, feeling bolder and he laughed. "What do they do but sit around in there? Our mothers probably have to dust them too."

"They heard us talking. I was saying bad things about her and the Guardians. I was showing off, I was –Eddie was standing up for me and it was my fault because – because I should have calmed him down." I drag in air as these broken parts rage through my entire being, cutting and slicing me from the inside. "Alto said they weren't allowed to touch me and the other one s-said…"

"Doesn't mean I can't look." The Guardian grins. He's older. He's one of the worst ones. "Smart of him though, she's maturing nicely."

My foot pressed into Eddie's leg.

They said something else and started laughing. It made me want to not be in my skin, the sound of their laughing.

My stomach dropped when Eddie got up and stood in front of me. I got up too.

"You don't think this one's not looking?" He said to Guardian Alto, thumb pointed at Eddie. My fingers pulled at the edge of my shirt, trying to make it longer. I tried to think of an excuse, something to say, something to get us away from there. "He ordered us but that doesn't strictly apply to them. They could be at it like rabbits when we're not looking. No consequences either."

"We have to go." I forced out. "Our mothers need us."

"So first she's calling us, what was it, 'lazy, sweaty-faced pigs' and now she's lying." Guardian Alto said to the other. "I think that entitles us to hammer back in some manners."

The other one grins at him. "See, I knew you'd get the hang of this."

It was too late to fix it. It was unfixable. And if we were going to be punished then I could at least let out some of the thoughts that pressed on my brain. Let some of the anger of not knowing how my mother was out.

I made myself look up and pushed back at the weight of him looking at me.

"Is there a more polite way to tell the truth?" I said.

"Eddie laughed and for a moment I was so proud of myself. For a moment I felt bigger and badder than them both. I was wrong to feel like that."

Dimitri's arms are strapped around me, holding the cracked pieces together. "They said something then about the truth about me, what I'll be good for in a few years and I, it was my fault because I wanted him to stop looking at me like that, so I threw my bottle at him." A savage sob pushes through my teeth and my bones shake in his hold. "I remember he grabbed my hair and felt like my lungs were being crushed. I heard Eddie shouting but I couldn't see or get up. I couldn't tell him to run away."

For a flickering moment, I'm proud it hit him right in the middle of his face. A moment.

His fist tried to go through me. That's what it felt llike, but the upper part of my stomach didn't let it. I wished it had. Before my legs could give out he propelled me to the ground by hair and my head hit something hard.

Breathing was difficult. My chest had shrivelled up. I might be dying.

Eddie shouts something. He calls them the bad word we'd been punished for saying to each other when we first heard it.

I couldn't breathe and if I couldn't breathe, I couldn't tell him to run. I needed him to run.

Eddie yelled. It was a fractured sound, pain, and surprise, and I wanted to scream. I listened to Eddie's yells become smaller, shorter until he stopped making sounds.

"There's a sound, a wet smacking sound, and grunting. I hope I do die. I hope I die before I find out what it is."

"Grant, that's enough." Alto's voice said.

There's a choking noise and more wet smacks.

My chest collapses and my skin burns. The void has blown open and it's devouring me from the inside out.

"I didn't – I didn't mean for it to happen. I didn't think they'd k-kill him."

I started screaming because even though the world is blurred I could see enough. I could see Eddie on the ground, I could see the figure over him raining down punches that turn into hard kicks. Time stretched like elastic before it snapped back into place.

He was the worst one. I'd made the worst one angry and his rage had become breathless, his movements slowing.

"Grant, it's over. That's enough." Guardian Alto says from somewhere above me.

I was crying then because I knew it was.

"You're having a panic attack. I have you." Dimitri's voice cuts through the destruction of myself. "You're safe. I have you." His palm is between my shoulder blades, rubbing firm circles, encouraging my lungs to open. "I love you. I have you."

The weight that was compressing on my lungs eased but I didn't want it to. I wanted it to get heavier. Guardian Alto had left. I didn't know how I knew but I did. He'd have gone to get others, to show them what happens, to make them clear it up.

"This is your fault." I heard him come closer and a tear dripped off my nose. I could see his boot now and I wished I couldn't. Everything was usually dusty, our clothes, our skin, their boots…but his boot was shiny. I closed my eyes. "Stupid little bitch."

His heel came down on my hip, it forced me onto my front. The grass was warm and faintly smelled of apples. I heard him unbuckle his belt.

My top had slid up again.

Years of guilt and grief, left to fester and rot, has taken over. The day flashes through my mind, tormenting me, making me relive it over and over. I try to tell him more parts because maybe saying it will help dispel some of it from me. The stain of it will fade a little but not completely.

"I got most of my scars that day".

It's stopped. I thought it was quiet but it's not. I was crying and I shouldn't have been, crying didn't help, it didn't get you anything.

I made myself lift my head. Everything was less blurry now but if I stopped crying it would be better. I didn't want Eddie to hear me crying, we always try not to cry in front of each other.

I tried to get onto my knees but my back blazes hotter and the stinging took over everything, so I collapsed into the grass. But I needed to get to him. I cried as I clawed my way over the ground. I was going to tell him it hurt too much to not cry and he'd say it's okay, he hurts too, and we needed Mary's ice. We'd stop being scared for each other and scared of our mothers because they were going to be so angry with us.

I felt his t-shirt on my fingertips and I clutched it, pulled myself closer clenching my teeth so hard I thought they might crack.

"Eddie." I panted. "Eddie, I'm okay. Are you okay?"

He didn't speak. He didn't turn over. And I was angry with him because he needed to speak to me.

"I'm sorry. I know it was my fault and you can say it, you can say 'Rosemarie you shouldn't have done that' like Janine does when she's mad. Eddie, please."

He still didn't say it.

I took short breaths, preparing for the pain and I pushed myself to my knees. A scream was held behind my teeth and I sounded like an animal as it slipped through.

Now I could see over his side, see the grass dark and wet and I forget the pain as I look at his face. It didn't look right, it was wrong and I tried not to notice the way his head had a dipped in like wet dough. I wanted to make his hair cover it but there was too much blood.

"Eddie, please say it to me. Please."

"I kept saying 'please', even when it didn't sound like a word, when it was just me choking because I was crying so hard my throat started to hurt and hating myself because he didn't like it when I cried."

"I promise I'll show you more words. I'll play the 'away from here' game. Please."

Please. Please. Please.

And then someone else started screaming.

I knew who it was and the sound stamped out the last shred of hope. I fell down beside him and held onto the back of his red shirt. The red shirt I would wear until I was made to leave this place.

He smelt of the blueberries and sunburn.

I told him I was sorry and I didn't mean it.

I didn't mean it.

The screaming becomes breathless pained gasps and the earth thuds next to me. I hold onto his shirt and it's like how we sleep, with my face pressed into his back and I hold in crying because he doesn't like it.

"Rosemarie." My mother was coming, she sounded worse than angry, she sounded scared. I felt her fall down next to me and was saying my name over and over again and touching my face. She needed to stop. She needed to stop sounding like that. They all needed to go away because Eddie wouldn't have liked it. We were causing more trouble and it was my fault they're all coming to see.

"Clean it up." A voice barked. "You two get a shovel."

"Rosemarie, come away." My mother said again sounding more like herself. When I didn't listen her hand slid under my stomach. "Come away, now. Now!"

"He doesn't know I'm sorry." I told her and for the first time in my life I pushed her away. "Eddie, you can be mad at me. You don't have to speak to me again but please get up."

"Rosemarie, he can't - please get up now."

She never said please. Not to me. So I let her pull me up and leaned into her because I couldn't stand properly.

Eddie's mother was bent over him and there was no one to make her stop crying now.

"Eddie would have gotten off the ground to help me. He always did. He would have come at them with everything and if he'd gotten pulled away with a bloody back and bruised ribs, he would never have made himself forget."

He wouldn't wait until his mother hauled him up and demanded he stops crying, slapping him when he couldn't. Later, after helping clean the body, he wouldn't do what she said to - never think of it again, push it away and switch to something else when it crept into my mind.

That was the day I knew the thing inside me was dangerous, that it wouldn't just get me into trouble. That was the day I knew the fire would mean death and I had to push it down. I had to ignore and forget it too.

I had to follow the rules. I had to obey.

I don't know how much I tell Dimitri, I don't know what comes out as words instead of wails. My throat is raw, my head hurts, and anguish shudders through my body with every sharp breath.

His arms stay tightly around me, the only stability I've ever had and don't deserve.

Eddie is dead.

My mother's gone.

I'm here.

And all the people who had caused this aren't hurting.

Another violent tremor goes through me and his hold flexes, trying to stop it.

"Lyubimaya. Mne zhal'. I'm so sorry for all you have suffered." His voice is unlike I've ever heard it before, and it unleashes a fresh wave of pain.

Sorry for the slow update, I had a lot of things happen in my personal life over the last week and it threw my writing schedule out the window. S/O to Maddy for loving Eddie and pushing for more details around him to make him dying that much worse, so that we'd see more details about him than just his death. Her editorial skills and notes once again coming through for us all.

Ch61 will follow on from this
- here just seemed a better place to end it. Allow everyone sit with Rose and what happened to Eddie for a little while.
- The redshirt is the one Rose wore until she left with Victor & it was the one Janine was holding when Abe came for her.
-Justice will be dealt to everyone who deserves it.

x

Eddie's sub chapter will be on the P..a..t..re..o...n and the Rhea x Adrian chapter is there as well.