Temper me in fire

by voldobaby

AU: The world of Moroi and Dhampirs is very different, political turmoil has opened up a vacuum in which illegal and immoral actions can transpire, such as slavery of Dhampirs. Rosemarie Hathaway is born into slavery in Arizona. Her life revolves around tending to her chores and making herself inconspicuous. But that all changes when Mr.Dashkov and his Guardians arrive

62. Chapter 62

RPOV

Slowly I uncurl myself from him, moving his arm off my hip and lifting my leg off his. Gingerly I scoot across the bed and pad toward the bathroom.

"Is there a reason you're acting like a cartoon burglar?"

I peer over my shoulder to where Dimitri's propped himself up on his elbow, a small smirk on that stupidly handsome face. I probably shouldn't notice that right now, having spent the past few hours telling him about Eddie, about other things from the pit, all these heavy dark things before we'd slipped into a light doze… but I do because there's something wrong with me.

"I thought you were asleep. I was trying not to wake you."

"I was and you did, but I am so glad I got to witness that."

I scowl. "Go back to sleep."

He flops heavily back against the pillows and despite everything, the softest laugh pushes pat my lips. It feels odd, like when you bang your elbow, after being buried under all the crap of the last few days but it's nice. I keep giggling as I rifle through the cupboard for Tylenol. I wash my face, take two tablets and as I come back to the bedroom, I'm trying to work out a knot in my shoulder.

"Sore?" He asks, head half-buried in the pillow.

"No, I just thought I'd try out a new dance move." I twist and every muscle in my abdomen protests. "Ow."

He sits up. "Come here."

"No, I need to stretch." And even though I don't want to I admit, "Everything hurts."

"Come here, lyubimaya. Let me." He repeats, propping the pillows up behind him.

Grumbling I do as I'm told, my fingers trying to work on a particularly nasty knot. I plant myself between his knees and his stronger, deft hands take over. I groan loudly and lose the ability to hold my head up.

After a few minutes, he asks. "Do you remember when you did this for me, and we played twenty questions?"

I hum. "It was an excuse to touch you."

"And there I was, thinking your intentions were honourable, that you were just trying to help."

I grin and then twitch as he presses on a sensitive spot in the middle of my back. "This would be better if you were lying down."

It would be, I keep rocking forward under his touch. "Now who's not being honourable?"

"I never said I had honourable intentions, but it would help."

Carefully I twist and lie down on my front, resting my cheek on my hands, and try not to overthink as he plants his knees on either side of my hips. Then his hands go back to work and…

Oh, god, it's so much better.

"I'd ask if I'm helping but by the sounds your making, I don't need to." He murmurs.

"It feels too nice to be embarrassed."

His weight shifts and then his breath fans my ear. "Haven't I made it clear? I like the sounds you make. Especially when I'm the reason you're making them."

Tingles run over my thighs and hips, toes curling. I can't muster up a reply that would be coherent, so I grin against my hands, and he kisses my cheek, thumbs sliding under the hem of my top. My mouth drops open and I sigh loudly.

"It's tender there."

He pulls back and my shirt lifts a little higher. His thumbs press into the tense muscle.

"You shouldn't be tight here. Did you feel it pull when you were training or after you threw that punch?"

"No, it's uh." I trace the pattern on my covers. "I got my period earlier."

"Ah." He says simply, switching from the pointed pressure up his thumbs to using his palms. "I think lotion might help."

"That sounds amazing." It comes out in a lazy whine, and he chuckles.

He climbs off the bed and then comes back from the bathroom with a bottle of something Natalie had stuffed into the cupboard and I'd yet to use. It looks like oil which meant mess and his hands were all cut up…

I push up onto my forearms. "Is it hurting your hands? We can just go to sleep, and I'll stretch loads tomorrow."

He looks up from reading the back of the bottle and a lock of dark hair falls over his face. "I want to…I like doing something for you. Unless you're tired?" He pulls out his phone and frowns. "It's very late."

"No, I'm fine. I just don't want to keep you from your beauty sleep."

He smiles, climbing back onto the bed. "Do I look like I need it?"

No.

I hum like I'm considering it, resting my cheek back on my hand and then squeak as it earns a tickle to my ribs. I don't feel the drop of oil hitting my skin but then his hands are gliding over the bottom of my back. I think I might melt into the mattress. I never realized how tight my muscles were, from those years in Arizona, pulling and lifting – the strain my body had been through without any element of care applied unless skin split open. After the first few weeks where I had to start working properly my mother would rubs out the new aches, taught me the different muscle groups but after a while I began to lie and told her I was fine. I'd known she was exhausted.

Now I have the luxury of taking care of my body but I could never seem to work out years of stress embedded into the tissue.

But Dimitri can.

His fingers splay over my hips as his thumbs work in the oil, firm but gentle on the base of my spine. Then his palms cross the expanse of skin, banking deliciously over my hips before working back and up, following the muscle that columns my spine. He stays in that area where he's carefully pulled up my shirt and I know he won't go higher.

My cushy thoughts turn to ones that sharpen at the edges - one's that whisper it's because of my scars, because he won't want to touch me now he knows where most of them come from, that he'll worry about me feeling vulnerable - but before I let them take this from me I lean up. Dimitri's hands leave me as I shimmy out of my shirt and throw it aside. I pull my hair over my over my shoulder and settle back down.

I didn't want to ruinthe moment, but I needed to let what had happened these past few days find its place between us without taking over.

"Don't stop." I say softly.

His response is to press his lips between my shoulder blades and then without leaving my skin they drift to the other marks, slowly, lovingly, and my eyes prick. I close them and exhale heavily. I hear the cap of the bottle open and then his hands glide over the length of my back. The tension ebbs out of my body and a calm I haven't felt since our days alone washes in.

In my daze, I ask. "Are you sure this isn't hurting your hands?"

"Yes."

"Promise?"

"I promise." He murmurs.

I drift as his hands brush over my arms, pressing in quick pulses, and then sweep back to knead my neck. The noise I make is something between a grunt and a groan and it surprises me so much so that I giggle.

"Did you like that noise?" I grin.

There's a smile in his voice when he says, "No comment."

I shuffle onto my back and he remains still, eyes intent on my face.

"I was worried that what happened was going to change us. I worried you were going to treat me like I'm fragile… and all that progress I'd made had been taken away, but Spiridon made me realize that they can't it if I don't let them."

And this, being topless, is still slightly strange to me, something I'd become comfortable with, with him, but with old wounds re-opened old fears slither in too. I wanted to see how he'd react, if he would pull away, see me in the way I never wanted to be seen in again.

But Dimitri remains where is and I swear he knows or understands exactly what I'm doing.

"No, no one can take that from you." My arms had been tucked to my ribs, hands resting on my chest because it was the easiest placement when I turned over, but now I move them to his waist. "You get back up every time, fiercer and more brilliant than before."

After today, having dragged myself up and faced them all, speaking to Victor the way I did and pushing myself physically to the limit – I believe him. A slow grin unfurls on my lips and his expression changes.

My fingers curl into his shirt. "Take this off."

He does and the thin chain of silver winks in the dimness. I tug him down by it until his chest is flush with mine and I can take his bottom lip gently between my teeth. He groans, body melting into mine and claiming my mouth properly.

It reminds me I'm not facing it all alone and that even though the pit had blown open, blackening everything, points of starlight still blaze through.

---

"Again." Spiridon orders.

I'm drenched in sweat again and trying to control my breathing. He'd dragged a dummy out of the basement that had seen better days, it's thick skin covered in nicks and slices. He'd told me I needed to feel what resistance could feel like and become accustomed to landing blows to something – pointing out I'd only been able to land a hit on him a handful of times.

I'd pointedly looked at the faded bruise on his cheekbone and grinned. He flipped me off for that.

Kicking and punching the dummy is brutal. I don't know why I expected some give, that my knuckles would at least make an impression, but whatever it's made of is dense and unforgiving.

"Don't lose your momentum." He drones boredly and it's that tone that pisses me off. Like he doesn't expect anything impressive or even good.

Ben had wrapped my fists for this and now I let them fly into key areas. Spiridon has said to never follow a pattern, it becomes predictable, to never favour a technique, and to regularly change it up. It made me stall because I would have to pause to think and every time I made that mistake he made me drop and do ten push-ups.

"This is getting unbearable. Let's take a break." He says and before I can protest, or finish the pattern I'm locked into, he jerks the dummy and I go stumbling.

"You're such a dick."

He sniggers and snatches up our water bottles, tossing mine over. I drop onto the frosted ground and watch Dimitri and Ben sparring across the green. Dimitri's slowed his movements and even I can tell that he's not fully committed to the fight, that he's leading Ben along in it. When he spars with Spiridon it's terrifying and I could watch them for hours.

"Still hell-bent on racing today?" Spiridon asks, dropping onto his haunches.

"Yup."

I wasn't going to do any conditioning after this session to conserve my energy. I was going to eat something, chug water and wait for Natalie to arrive back with Ben. I'd finally replied to her Lissa and Adrian this morning, the latter hadn't responded but my other two friends made it clear they weren't happy.

I suck air in through my teeth at Dimitri ducks under Ben's thrown-out arm and kicks out his knees.

"He's not actually bad you know, Ben." Spiridon says. "Not by any means."

"But he didn't have Galina."

I feel him look at me. "No, he didn't."

I watch the two move back into their positions and begin. It was the skill of their footwork, knowing exactly what space to step or spin into without stumbling, without fault and I see what Dimitri meant about having to be utterly confident in his moves. He radiates lethal energy and grace, motions fluid and precise.

"Dimitri told you about her?"

I nod, keeping my eyes trained ahead. "Just that she's the reason you both weren't kicked out of school and that…she was turned."

"A fate worse than death." He says after a moment.

I decide to risk prying. "Would you look for her? If being like that, a Strigoi, is the worst thing that can happen to someone would you be able to kill her?"

I think I'd find it harder to wrap my head around, killing someone being a solution, if I hadn't witnessed first-hand what they were like. There had been no hint or sign of anything human in the woman's red eyes. It had been exactly like the time I'd been playing with Eddie, running and then I'd gone sprawling too close to the ward line. I'd heard the Psi-hound before I'd seen it, a low growl that had crawled over my skin, and when I'd lifted my head its milky white eyes were in arm's reach.

Eddie had the sense to sprint for my mother and I remained pinned there, too terrified to move.

I'd seen what those hooked teeth could do.

"Yes." Spiridon says firmly, bringing me back to the winter day in Montana.

"Will we get back to it?" I ask, hauling myself to my feet.

"Time for phase two." He responds, rolling back onto his shoulders and throwing his weight forward so he's propelled to his feet.

He grins at the look on my face that quickly becomes a scowl. "Show off."

He tuts and reaches for one of the cases he'd brought up with the dummy. "Now, now be nice or I'll change my mind about this…maybe I should for my own safety."

"About what?" I ask, eyeing the case he's clicking open.

A sensation travels down my spine and I look over my shoulder to find Dimitri watching, Ben chugging his pre-workout off to the side.

Dimitri's gaze moves from what Spiridon to me and my mind flashes back to last night. I can feel his mouth on my skin, tongue swirling around the hard peak of my breast, and the weight of his body when I pull him against me, rocking my hips against his.

The leftover stress had been useful for training.

"Ta da." Spiridon says, presenting the open case to me.

It's full of knives.

I blink and then look up at his excited face. "Are we using these?"

He grins. "A blade is more effective than a fist."

I look back down at the array of weapons, the lethal shine of steel in the twilight. Some are larger than others, some have curved blades, and others are jagged. Spiridon pulls out one of the smaller ones and flips it, holding the handle out to me.

"See how this feels." I take it from him like it's going to explode. I let it settle into the heart of my palm, feeling its weight and adjusting to holding such a thing. It's not heavy but it looks just as dangerous as the thicker blades. "Well?"

I'm nodding. "I like this one."

"Small but can do some damage. Just like you." I look up at him and smile slowly. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he looked a bit nervous. "Step back up to the manikin, I'll show you how to use it."

He explains the lethal points in which one stab would render lethal: the kidneys, the back of the neck to sever the spinal cord, major arteries, and the heart. Then he moves on to places that would do enough to put someone down which I think is obvious, but I listen intently. Anywhere on the abdomen, especially if I can twist or jerk the blade up or down when inserted, or the shoulder blade where all the nerves meet.

All the little tears in the hide of the dummy make a lot more sense now.

"For Strigoi." He says becoming more serious. "You want to enter through the ribs otherwise the resistance can shatter your wrist. We don't anticipate you ever being in that situation but shit happens. These blades are infused with Victor's magic so whilst stabbing one might not prove lethal it'll burn like acid and give you enough time to run. Now pay attention."

"I am."

He lifts out the blade and proceeds to run through the strikes, explaining where to throw my weight and the importance of grip.

"The resistance is going to take you by surprise at first, but you'll grow used to it." He says stepping back after putting new holes in the mannequin. "You're turn."

I feel like I had when I picked up the gun in the motel. When I'd stabbed the Strigoi I hadn't been thinking about it, I'd just acted. I take a deep breath and flex my hold around the handle.

"I'm going to list the targets and you're going to strike." Spiridon instructs and I concentrate on my breathing, centring myself. "Liver."

I jab out with force but the resistance of the dummy hide sends pain shooting through my wrist. Instinctively I let go of the handle and snatch my hand back.

The knife is buried in the dummy at least.

"Care to tell me where you went wrong?" Spiridon drawls.

I think, rubbing my wrist with my fingers and ignoring the two other people watching. "I didn't throw my body weight behind it."

"Yep." He wrenches the blade out and hands it back. "Again."

For the next hour, he lists off places for me to strike. Some of them I forget, and he has to point to where the organ or artery lies. I learn quickly. Then instead of rhyming them off one by one, he makes me do it faster, listing one after the other so I have to wrench out the blade and aim for the next place.

"Okay. Now we're alternating strike with and without the blade." I'm breathing hard, my two shirts and hoodie soaked with sweat. I thought he was going to say we were done. It must be on my face because he says, "Problem?"

I roll my shoulders. "No."

It's brutal. It's exhausting. It's not only the force I need to strike but the force I need to wrench the blade back out, then parry punches or strike with my free hand. I mess up but he doesn't berate me about it but instead instructs, 'again'. My arms and abdomen are aching, and my legs collapse from under me, head falling between my knees as I drag air into my lungs.

"Ten minutes." Spiridon says and saunters off, swiping my water bottle from the ground.

My lungs are cold searing iron in my chest.

A hand presses lightly on my back and starts rubbing soothing circles, helping regulate my breathing.

"You're doing well." Dimitri murmurs.

"I'm getting slow." I tell through pants. "And when I take too long to make the next hit he makes me repeat the circuit."

"Get up." He instructs and I take the hand he offers. He hauls me to my feet and it's an effort to not stumble. "Now brace your hand on your knees, breathe deeply. This position is better for recovery."

After a few minutes I straighten up. "What position is better for energy?"

Dimitri has a blade in his hands, balancing the point on his fingertip and rotating it. "You have to focus on what motivates you. Hold it in your mind and let it drive you."

Before I can respond he flips the blade in his hand and strikes out in one swift motion, his whole body following the curving arc of his arm. It takes me a moment to find where the incision landed. A clean slice across the dummies throat.

"What motivates you?" I ask, staring at the open seam.

When he doesn't answer I drag my gaze away to find him looking at me. His face is sharp planes and angles, completely unreadable, all except for his eyes. The dark depths are lit with vehemence and my stomach flips.

"Everyone who dared lay a finger on you." He says quietly.

Silky heat brushes down my navel at his words, the threatening promise in his tone and I should question why it has that effect on me but instead my gaze drops to his lips. The craving for him surges without warning.

The kitchen door opens behind him and Spiridon steps out. Dimitri turns away, face unreadable, and Spiridon tracks him until he's back over by the weights. I fuss with my braid before throwing it over my shoulder and willing my face to be neutral.

"Was he criticizing my methods?" He asks.

"No. He was telling me how to regulate my breathing."

Spiridon studies me until I pull a face.

"Again." He says flatly.

Through the bandages I can feel where the blades handle has caused friction and if it weren't for a barrier, I would have blisters by now. I probably would by the end of this. I take up my stance in front of the mannequin putting the pain and fatigue to the back of my mind.

"Liver, axillary artery, heart, and lung." Spiridon instructs, crossing his arms.

I ignore the protests from every one of my muscles, and in my mind, I visualize all the faces that haunted me. And instead of a hesitant, indulgent feeling I usually got when I slipped into daydreams of how I would make them pay - I felt determination and rage.

First strike to the liver. Moira Ozera.

Second strike to the artery. Lucas Ozera.

I pull it out and drive it into the lung, right to the hilt. Zmey.

Spiridon begins to speak but that fire roars free from its restless stupor, racing through my blood and my vision tunnels.

I tilt the blade so it will slip through the ribs and plunge into the heart. Stan Alto

I wrench the knife free and aim for the slit in the dummy's throat, the target already marked, and forcefully drag the blade through the groove. The dummy rocks back from the pressure, the steel buried so deep in its neck that my bicep barks at the resistance to complete the incision. But I yank it free, stumbling back and breathing hard.

"Holy shit." Spiridon mutters.

Grant Brown.

---

When Spiridon says we're done I'm breathing harder than ever, sweat drips off my chin but my head feels clear. I feel capable and for the first time in days, in control.

Spiridon packs everything as I chug my water and across the green Ben is finishing up too. On legs I can't feel I meander over and ask if he wants to go on our walk now as part of our cool-down routine. We set off on the path, both of us quiet as our systems calm down and we drain our bottles.

He cuts to it when the ground begins to slope upward. "How are you holding up, really?"

"Being out here helps, it clears my head but then after I have to stay busy because if I don't, it feels like I'm being crushed, and it won't stop."

Being with Dimitri helps. The way kissing him can cause a riot of hot sensation and need, but then can be calming and comforting. Being quiet with him as he holds me or listens to the poisonous thoughts I have before they dig in their claws. But I can't tell Ben that, he'd choke on his water.

I take a deep breath and force some bravado into my voice. "Stabbing that dummy felt amazing."

"I know what you mean. It's therapeutic. We all have our things. Dimitri runs, Spiridon boxes, and I throw myself at the worktable. If yours is stabbing, then please just keep it geared toward inanimate objects."

I give him a long look. "Just don't annoy me and you'll have nothing to worry about."

He chuckles but the light moment passes quickly. I feel him looking at me but I keep my eyes trained ahead, watching the snow glittering where the light of the wards break through the shadows. For the first time in days, I remember the Psi Hounds had stalked through here and it makes my stomach knot.

"I'm so sorry Rose." He finally says, voice soft and earnest. "Not only for your mother but all of it, for this shit that you keep getting dragged back into instead of getting clear of." When I don't say anything, he continues, "I keep thinking about what you said before, about Natasha and…I need to ask you something." I already know what it is. An icy sensation that has nothing to do with the weather rolls through my stomach. I stop walking and look out over the water. "You said she didn't know about you specifically but knew there were slaves. Did she know about the other boy?"

The frozen patches rock gently on the surface as the truth falls out of my mouth.

"Yes. His name was Eddie. He was always trying to protect me. He saw her coming, she would have seen us both, so he made me hide and stepped out to distract her. I don't know what they said to each other, I couldn't hear."

I don't turn to face him, as stupid as it is I can't shoulder whatever reaction he has to what I'm telling him.

I'm saved from seeing Ben's reaction because I hear it. The sound of him hurling his guts up by the nearest tree halts the aching inside my chest.

I rub his back until he has nothing more to wretch up.

"Fuck." He says quietly, leaning into the frosted bark. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." He turns to me and I step back, my face perfectly blank and cool. The blood has drained from his. "Did – did she know they killed them?"

I shrug, it's all I can manage.

He sucks in a deep breath to steady himself and I can't help but find this a bit strange. I expected anger, something much less than Dimitri ruining his hands, but I didn't expect this.

"I hate her, Ben." I admit quietly. "Whether she knows or not, she knew about us and she could have stopped it. She could have saved us and she chose not to. Eddie wouldn't have – "I swallow and force myself to say it. "Been beaten to death standing up for me. His mother wouldn't have hung herself because of it and…and the other man, I'm not sure what happened to him, but the Ozera's had these…parties. It wasn't just Mas – Lucas Ozera who fed off or played with us. If they were meeting Strigoi then maybe Strigoi were in the house sometimes, I don't know. My mother would disappear inside for days and when she came back it was like…"

I shudder as her pale face with empty eyes appears in my mind. When I would get desperate for her to speak and shake her, she wouldn't respond. There would be smear tracks of blood on her throat, wrists, and legs and I'd wash it off for her. Those days I felt close to breaking completely and the only reason I held it together and didn't scream or drive whatever tool I was using into the nearest Guardian, was because I clung to the belief, she'd finally come back to herself. I wouldn't give her any reason to be disappointed in me.

"She wasn't herself." I finish, crossing my arms tightly. Now we'd stopped walking the chill was setting in. "Can we keep walking?"

Ben looks like he's been hit around the head, but he nods. He falls into step beside me and runs his hands over his head until they latch at the back of his neck. He doesn't say anything for a few minutes and in the silence, doubt tries to wrestle its way into my head.

"How did you hold all this in?" He suddenly exhales. "How did you even stand to look at her, I can't even – I don't even know how…I wish you would have told me this before. Why didn't you tell me this when you told me she knew?"

"I couldn't. What happened to Eddie, the day it happened, I locked it all away. I hadn't thought about it in years and if I said those words, 'Natasha met the other boy who was there with me', it would pry open the door to the whole truth. You would ask more questions and I…I couldn't talk about it."

"Dimitri shouldn't have sprung that on you. I – Rose, you should be in therapy. You should have a support system for everything you've been through and now this with your mum."

I hold back the immediate instinct to defend Dimitri. I have to remember how it looks to Ben and how he thinks of him, even though it's completely wrong.

"He didn't. He told me about Zmey first, how the meeting went and that he'd…taken her. He and Spiridon have both told me they don't think he'll harm her because she's useful. And…you said it before, Dimitri has protected me every time I needed it. I trust him. He has always been honest with me and…I feel safe with him." I risk looking at Ben and find his expression is wholly concentrated, like Natalie trying to solve a math problem. "When he told me I…I didn't just cry, Ben. I exploded. I hit him, I shouted at him, I tried to get out of the car and to imagine reacting like that in front of everyone…" Words fail me. I can't explain how destroying that would be for me, how I could never face them all again.

"He didn't tell us." He explains quietly. "About what happened and that's why I was so pissed. You came back and you looked so devastated, and I thought the worst of him."

The ground begins to even out as we come to the furthest point of the lake. "Well, you were wrong."

"I can't – wrap my head around that she not only knew, that she met him, her own nephew-"

"Do not call Eddie that." I snap, whirling on him so he starts. "He wasn't that to her. They don't deserve him. He was my friend and my family, not theirs."

Ben holds up his hands and gently he says. "I didn't mean to imply anything. I'm sorry."

The rage retreats from boiling to a simmer. My fingers bite into my arms and I nod, turning back to the trail.

"She knows everything, Ben. She's not a good person, none of them are. Why would Victor want someone like her on his side for this better world he's trying to make or whatever he wants to do as king. It would be a better world without them in it."

"I agree." And the way he says it has me look at him. Ben's face doesn't hold one ounce of the kindness I can usually find there. There's nothing soft or friendly as he glares ahead.

"Do you think if you tell Victor that, it will make a difference?"

"I don't know." I expected as much. "But they won't get away with it, Rose. She won't."

No, she wouldn't because she was on my list.

"Dimitri, can't know." I tell him, hating that it's true and before I can stop myself I hear my fear voiced. "Because if he believes her, or even tries to rationalize it, I could never be around him. I can't hear someone defend that, even just a little. I can't." Ben's face shines with sympathy and I make myself rush on, "And if you don't think it's going to make a difference with Victor then what's the point? He's in that vile contract and if he blows up then he gets sent away. The wrong person gets punished."

"It always comes out in the end. It will catch up to her. To them all and when it does, we'll make sure it's fitting."

They're nice words but they're just that, words. I had ideas that I wanted to make into plans, ideas that felt more real when that blade had been put in my hand.

"I've made up my mind about something else. I want to call her and I wanted to tell you first because I don't think Victor wants me to but –"

"You know I can make it happen, with or without his go ahead." He finishes.

I nod and he opens an arm to me, drawing it around my shoulders and pulling me into his side.

"I'm sorry you lost him. I'm sorry that you're now in this situation." His hand rubs my upper arm. "We'll tell Victor your decision and if he's against it we'll do it anyway, I promise."

I think back to what Dimitri had said and ask. "If you were able to find out where she is from the call, would you go and get her?"

"If I knew where your mother was…" He repeats and I crane my head to look up at him. I can't read his expression. "If I knew where she was, I would get you both the hell away from here and not look back."

The end of the path comes into sight, and I lean my head back against him.

"I haven't had the chance to tell you, but I spoke to her when we were stuck at the Academy. I really wish I'd said a lot worse now."

"What did you say?"

"She wouldn't stop smiling and making out like I had the wrong end of things. I snapped. I asked her if she was so insecure she had to bully a little girl, yes I know you're not little, but I knew she'd hate it. I told her this was your home and if she had any common decency, she would respect that enough to not intrude – and maybe that was one of the reasons Dimitri was hesitating because she couldn't grasp that simple concept or have that common decency" He heaves out a huge breath. "How could she look any of us in the eye? Who has that kind of nerve? How could she walk into this fucking house at Thanksgiving knowing what her brother had put you through? It's psychotic." The anger cracking under his words is comforting and I feel another weight ease off my shoulders. "It makes more sense now what you said, about how she treats Dimitri like she's entitled to own him."

God, I might throw up next.

The end of the path comes into view and on the green, Dimitri and Spiridon are sparring again.

"We are all in your corner, Rose. More than you realise. Whatever Victor thinks or says doesn't reflect us three. Spiridon's a prick but even he's…affected. You aren't alone."

I wind my arm around his waist. "It means a lot that you even feel that way, you know? After thinking and feeling for so long that it was just the way life was…having other people angry about it means I'm not crazy."

"No, you're not crazy."

We break out of the treeline as the wind rips across the open space and clings to my damp clothes. I shudder into Ben's side. He rubs his hands up and down my arm.

"Is the bet still on?" He asks, just as Dimitri and Spiridon go crashing to the ground with each other. "You might have an advantage."

"I don't want an advantage." Spiridon wraps his legs around Dimitri's waist, exactly like I'd been trying to last night, and throws him onto his back. I bend down and scrape some snow together and pat it into a ball. "I want it to be taken seriously."

Ben copies and we drift closer to the back door.

"Ready?"

"Yup."

We wait for them to break apart from rolling about, Dimitri springs up first and Ben launches his ball at him. I aim for Spiridon's back, but he moves and it pelts his ass.

We're scrambling inside as Ben shouts, "Payback is a bitch!"

As we climb the stairs I ask, "Are you going to get Natalie soon?"

"Yep. When I get back I'll tell Victor what you want to do, that you want to call her. Get things set up."

We pause outside my room. "No, let me tell him."

He nods and then there's an awkward pause where I think he's thinking about hugging me but isn't sure. I place my hand on his arm and thank him because I know he's in my corner, I know he'll voice his opinions and stand up for me, and that's what a brother does.

Then I step into my room before he can say anything or cry, like I'm in danger of doing.

I am sick of crying.

In the shower I realise something. Perhaps the reason I'd always felt a warmth toward Ben, decided he was kind before I had enough evidence was because his eyes were almost the same shade of brown as Eddies.

---

Before Ben leaves, I interrupt them having a meeting in Victor's office, my excuse being coffee and more cake. Spiridon's hair is plastered to his forehead, and I avoid to looking for Dimitri. Something about him being sweat and pink-faced is indecent.

Victor thanks me in a monotone voice and it's obvious that they're waiting for me to leave before resuming but I pause by the door, twisting my fingers.

"Victor, I want to apologise for my outburst yesterday. I was…I was upset and I shouldn't have spoken to you like that. You have been so kind and generous to me. I never want you to think I'm not grateful because I am." Victor's stunned expression quickly softens. I swallow, fingers knotting, eyes down. "It's been hard. It brought back a lot of things I'd rather forget when being here has been more than I could have ever dreamed of."

"I understand, you don't have to say anymore. Apology accepted." Victor says gently.

I smile like it's a huge relief. "Thank you." I can feel three sets of other eyes on me, but I don't break focus from the Moroi. "I've decided that I want to speak to her, to my mother. If that would be alright with you?"

Victor's expression dims slightly and there's a pause. If he said no Ben would still help me. If he said no he said it in front of his three Guardian's and it would put them at odds with him because if he said no, he would look cruel.

Victor holds my eye and I make my eyes wider, just like I'd seen Natalie do.

"Providing Ben can set up the right controls, of course, you may call your mother."

"Before we leave?"

I might be pushing it, but Victor gives a curt nod. I let out a shaky breath, thank him again and turn back toward the door. Dimitri had been behind leaning against the back wall but now he moves to open the door for me.

His mask is on but there's a tightness around his eyes, concern.

I let him see the truth, letting the scared-girl mask slip off as I smirk at him before slipping out into the hall.

---

Ben leaves to get Natalie and I retreat to my room to pack.

I've nearly finished when the door swings open and bounces off my dresser. Spiridon strolls in and my eyes dart to the silk pouch on the bed.

"I could have been changing!"

He looks at me like I'm stupid. "Then you would have locked the door like a normal person."

"You leave your door wide open."

"I am neither normal or shy."

"You're so fucking annoying." I mutter under my breath, shoving the silk bag into the zip compartment.

He moves over to the window and if he sits down it means I'll not be able to easily get rid of him.

"Ben just left to get Natalie, who has been sending me some un lady-like voice notes about your wellbeing because apparently, your radio silence is my fault. So, here's the brief, your mother has been moved to a rehabilitation centre for the bite. Victor would appreciate it if you kept the other details to yourself."

"Keep Eddie to myself you mean?"

"Victor would appreciate it if you kept the other details to yourself." He repeats and there's something in his face, under his tone that makes me think…he doesn't agree. "To save unnecessary distress." I don't have it in me to argue so I just shrug and fold up my jeans. "We're all going to be on patrol and rotation when we get there so I won't have the time to train with you. Keep practising, there's a gym and facilities at the lodge so you've no excuse to completely sack it off." I nod to show I'm listening but I keep packing. "What caused the sudden burst of energy earlier?"

"I found my motivation." The five names run through my mind and under my tired muscles the anger hums. "To make it count."

It's quiet for so long I think he's left but when there's a creak on the landing I look up. Spiridon still stands in front of the window as Dimitri fills up the doorway.

Both of them are like night and day.

There are faint marks under Dimitri's right eye and by his temple. His hands look significantly better, purples faded into greens and yellows.

"Well hang on to it." Spiridon says, grey eyes sliding away from Dimitri and that arrogant drawl is back. "Because today we made a bit of progress. What are you hiding under your arm, Belikov?"

Spiridon grins at me as if he's cleverly called him out for the file tucked inconspicuously under his bicep. It clicks immediately what it is and I don't doubt for one second Spiridon knows as well.

I match the blondes' smile. "Get out before I find something to jam into your carotid artery."

Spiridon turns to Dimitri and nods toward me. "Aw, our little novice is growing up and making frequent violent threats. I've never been prouder."

"She makes me proud too." Then to my complete surprise, Dimitri grins and it isn't entirely pleasant. "Especially when she clocks you unsuspectingly in the face."

Spiridon clicks his fingers and points between us. "Beginner's luck." He strolls toward the door and claps Dimitri on the shoulder. "Unlike you, you're finally playing again."

And with that, he disappears into the hall. Dimitri closes the door over behind him.

"Do you know, I think he does that to be distracting." I say, the logic coming together as the words fall off my tongue. "Like, he knows what that file is, so he was trying to be…"

"Glib." Dimitri supplies.

"Right, he does that so I would get irritated rather than upset…now that I think about it, he's done that a lot when something could make me uncomfortable. What do you think?"

"I think I've known him since I was twelve and I still haven't figured him out."

The question rests on my tongue, if he knows about Spiridon's past but if he doesn't then it feels icky to talk about it. It isn't my business to spread. Just like how…whatever's in that file isn't for everyone to read.

I have to ask him although I know the answer. "Did you read it?"

He doesn't get offended. "No."

The other papers in his room that tell a story about a person I didn't know… I feel weird about him knowing another version of her that I don't even though I know there are no bad intentions, but I still don't like it.

He sets it on the drawers, a healthy distance away. For a second, I'd been afraid he was going to hand it to me and expect me to open it right now.

"I take it Spiridon told you what Victor asked?"

I pull my gaze from the dresser. "Yeah. But he kept repeating 'Victor would appreciate it' like he didn't agree with it but then… I don't know. Maybe he was just driving it in…he's so confusing."

"I think Spiridon was trying to convey he disagrees whilst telling you the order from above…but without encouraging you to do either thing."

"So…if I tell Natalie more then it's my fault and if I don't, well that's because he told me not to."

"Saying that victor would appreciate it manipulates you into a sense of security that he's siding with you when really, he will not back you up."

I mull that over. "He's…"

"I know."

I pluck up the other silk pouch from where it had been hiding behind a pair of boots. "I think you know him best. Just the way you figured that out."

"You'd figured that out already. What's that?"

Under my fingers the silk feels warm, and my mind goes blank which is really inconvenient. "Um."

He deliberately steps closer, voice low and my face is in flames. "What is it, Roza?"

I set my shoulders and shove the embarrassment back. There's no reason for it.

I look up at him from under my lashes. "You'll find out later."

His expression simmers from playful to predatory. My stomach flips and there's another heated sensation raking up my thighs until it reaches the highest point and pulses. We stare at each other until he, the epitome of self-control, exhales heavily and looks away.

I try and block out his knees nudging my legs apart in the car, the hot, wet kisses he placed over my chest last night, and how it feels when he's inside me, bringing me to that place while whispering things to me.

"Roza." His voice is a quiet warning but he's looking at me how he only looks at me.

And suddenly the frustration, the stress, and how hard these past few days have been fires through my blood. The emotional whirlwind along with my insides cramping, the toil from training, lack of sleep – hits me.

I shove the pouch into the case and then throw the boots in too, but it doesn't dispel any of it. Then he's there, arms folding around my shoulders, and I lean into him. It's a careful hug because the door isn't even closed. After a minute everything settles and reluctantly, I lean back.

"I think I need to leave the bet until tomorrow before we leave. Is that okay?"

He nods, smoothing my hair back behind my ear. "Take a bath. Salts."

I roll my eyes. "I know." He rubs my arms before stepping away. "I don't know how much I'll tell Natalie…it might make it harder. Telling Natalie means either telling Lissa or asking Natalie to keep things from her. I don't know."

"It's okay to want support. Look how at how much better you felt when you confided in them."

"But they get angry for me, especially Lissa, and then they ask questions that I can't answer because of Christian and…" What happened in Lissa's room comes back to me. "Dimitri, Victor's compelled me before, hasn't he?" He doesn't need to answer. His face says everything. I step back and fold my arms. "Tell me. Now."

He keeps his voice low and I glance at the door he hadn't closed properly. "He compelled you to forget about The Circle and Zmey when speaking to anyone outside the four of us. He told you to shut down any conversation where you were being questioned about Victor's business - that's what happened in Estonia. When Adrian confessed to having compelled you, he was trying to compel answers out of you that Victor had already shielded so when he told you, the compulsion Victor had put in place drove you to come and tell us what Adrian had done. We all have something similar placed on us, Ben, Spiridon, and I."

I let that sink in. I'd been thinking about Tanner and his glamour, then suddenly I'd forgotten. It makes sense and I understand but it makes my skin crawl.

He takes a deep breath and the look on his face makes my eyes narrow.

"What else?"

"I was concerned about your…hesitancy to eat. I asked Victor to make it so, that you would take what you wanted." I stare at him, and he stares back. "I should have told you sooner." I wait, expecting something else and he knows what it is because then he says. "I'm not sorry, I want to be but…that day in the library, when we talked about adapting, I thought the compulsion had worn off or you were resisting it because you hadn't eaten. The first thing I thought when you fell down the stairs was that you hadn't eaten. There are …so many hurts and deep-seated things that I can't change or help you with but that, making sure you would look after your needs in that regard, we could help. I'm not sorry I asked him to do that for you."

It's taking all my effort to inhale slowly and not let rage unhinge my jaw.

He searches my face for some hint of understanding. "You needed the encouragement."

"That's not encouragement!" I burst out. "That's messing with my head. It's… violating!" He winces at that or maybe at my raised voice. I don't care, I don't give a fuck if anyone else hears me. "I still haven't completely forgiven Adrian for what he did, no matter how much I want to and then you…you're not even sorry? When you said before you'd done a terrible thing and believed you were right, this is it. This, out of everything, is what you're wrong about."

It lands the blow, and it doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel worse.

"Rose –"

I rub my forehead, shielding my eyes that have started to burn and blur. "Go away."

He doesn't and I hate when the first tear falls, and I can't brush it away quick enough. I turn away but sense him step closer and then press a kiss to the back of my head.

His lips move against my hair. "I am sorry, that if the things I have to do to keep you safe, hurt you."

Then he leaves.

---

Natalie finds me sitting on the edge of the bath.

I had come in for something, trying to keep busy packing but then the thinking took over. It always takes over. Everything he'd said is fair and I know there are only good intentions for me, my safety and wellbeing – he's always looked after me.

But it doesn't change that it makes me want to crawl out of my skin, that I can't be sure that I have the security of my own mind. Even in Arizona I had that when I had nothing else so knowing Victor had taken that one slice of privacy from me makes me dizzy. I hate that I understand why. I hate that it's for reasons that make sense but it doesn't change how I feel about it.

Dimitri had kept this from me. How could he have kept it from me when he was part of it? How could have told me and not even been fucking sorry?

I'm keeping Natasha from him.

But that's different. If he knew he'd be furious, there would be arguments with Victor and rejecting his contract. He'd be sent away…he could end up the redzones fighting Strigoi every day. Or what if he did confront her? What if he was looking at her with fury radiating from him like it had been in the hall yesterday and I'd barely held him back. It's not the right time to tell him, I'm protecting him.

It occurs to me he could say the same things about the compulsion. The second person in my life to care if I ate, had my basic needs met and who wanted more for me than I had wanted myself.

It's too much. These past few days have been too much and it needs to stop.

I'd folded over, hugging my knees with the urge to start screaming when Natalie came in.

She didn't say anything, just knelt down and hugged me. I don't know if was her perfume or because I hadn't seen her in weeks or because I'd been thinking so much about the friend I lost but having Natalie hug me blew the flood gates open…again.

She stroked my head and then made me take more pain killers, drink a glass of water and now she's tapping away on her phone as I press the cooler side of my hands against my hot face. It seemed normal for us to climb into the bath and sit down. Her foot taps against my thigh and she puts her phone down. Her expression is thoughtful, and I brace myself for having another draining conversation.

"Ben told me something had happened with your mom, that it's been a hard few days and that's why you haven't replied to anyone." She says quietly.

"Yeah." My voice cracks and I cough to clear it. Spiridon's words roll off my tongue. "She's been moved somewhere where they can help her with…effects of the bite."

Natalie's lips press into a line and then she says. "Isn't that good?"

I shrug because I have no idea. "I'm going to call her later."

She rubs my foot and I lean my head against the side.

"I think that's a great idea." She says carefully. I know she finds it weird it's taken this long, doesn't understand why I didn't want to call her before even though I explained as best I could at Friendsmas.

Natalie's phone buzzes and she furiously types back.

"Who's that?"

"Spiridon. I also sent Lissa a text to say I was with you and you were…okay."

"I'm sorry I made you worry."

"You should be. I'll need botox at least two years earlier than I originally planned." I don't know what she's talking about but she's smiling a little, so I know she's joking. I hear the bedroom door open and Natalie cranes her head over the side. "About time."

Spiridon appears holding two glasses of coke but there are little umbrellas in them, and he has that look on his face that makes me sink lower

"At what point, Natalie Grace Dashkov, did I become a fucking butler?"

Natalie grins up at him. "You're my most trusted confidant and I would never dream of helping myself to the vodka you keep stashed in the freezer, so I thought I'd ask nicely."

Spiridon doesn't seem to care that we're in a bath as he hands us both a drink.

"Is that why a quarter of it seems to have disappeared?"

"That has nothing to do with me."

"Hmm." I take the umbrella out and copy Natalie who's put her behind her ear. I take a sip and under the cola is the smooth burn of alcohol. "That's all your getting and if the boss finds out –"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm on my own. It was my idea. Etcetera."

Spiridon points at me. "I have money on this bet so you have to be fresh tomorrow."

"One drink isn't going to ruin her…unless this is vodka with a splash of coke for flavour."

"No, we are not reliving your sweet sixteen."

"All one drink is going to do is take the edge off. She needs it, she's going to call her mom." I take another sip, feeling Spiridon glance at me. "Now go away, please."

"What happened with Dimitri?" Spiridon directs at me and my stomach drops. When I refuse to look at him she says. "Something you read?"

I still had the file to deal with. Fuck sake.

"No." I grit out between my teeth. I know he won't drop it, I know Natalie won't either and because I am pissed off and sick of everything I just say it. "He told me he asked Victor to compel me when I got here."

Spiridon and Natalie exchange a look.

"What?"

"It'll be for your safety. We all have some form of compulsion on us, even me. "Natalie explains before taking a big gulp of her drink. "Daddy's certified or qualified or some kinda 'fied' in compulsion, it's really tough to break."

"Wonderful." I mutter and take another drink.

Spiridon sits down on the lip of the bath. "Did Dimitri tell you what the compulsion is?"

He did tell me, it's about eating, but somehow there feels like there's a gaping hole of information around it. Something else I can't remember as I frown at Natalie who raises her eyebrows.

"Yes. I don't like it. I don't care if it was something good for me or about my safety, I don't like it and he said he wasn't sorry about it. So, I'm pissed off because things just keep happening and I have no control over it."

"Welcome to the world." Spiridon says flatly.

I shove him off the side. "Fuck off."

Natalie chokes and then starts laughing. It might be the alcohol taking the edge off, it might be being in the bath with my friend, it might just be the only other option is to cry again and I don't want to do that – so I start laughing too.

Spiridon leaves and after a few more sips I tell her about the compulsion. Saying the words aloud sounds stupid, I have been given an order to eat like I'm a child and I explain that to her as best I can.

Natalie's quiet for a minute, sinking further so the bun of ebony hair sits straight up on her head against the porcelain.

"I get why your mad, I get it, but honestly I think you're overreacting." I have the overwhelming urge to turn the tap on and shove her face under it. "Hear me out, babe. I love you and I didn't know about this compulsion, but I used to worry about you too. Like, I love snacks, you know that, but whenever we were together, I was like 'I need to make sure Rose will eat' and I'd be checking for things with the highest calories, watching to see what things you preferred so Ben would go and get more of it. Then there was the way you'd look at food like an abused puppy. I'm just being honest. You'd pick things up and look around like someone was about to take it from you."

No, I hadn't.

Had I?

"You don't have to like it…but I think, sometimes, the things that are good for us we're not always going to like."

I set my leg over hers so I can sink again. "I want it removed."

"Fair. I mean, it has helped you. You can't deny that but now you don't need it anymore."

I want to argue but…I know she's right. It was a guiding hand on my back when I needed balance. It helped me bypass the instinct to never take something myself, especially if it wasn't small. I remember being confused about having snacks in my hand, that I hadn't agonized over taking something and it made me think I'd become this greedy, impulsive person.

Dimitri had asked for the panic to be taken away.

"That's not the point." I grit out and take another drink.

"Is one of the points, you're annoyed with Dimitri for not telling you?" She draws the whole sentence out and I don't have time to school my face. "Do you feel like he betrayed you or something like that?"

I open my mouth. Close it. Try again. "Not betrayed. That's a strong word but…I don't know. He's always been honest with me so…this was dishonest. Lying. Maybe betrayed. I don't know."

I don't have the words but she's nodding like she gets it. That's good. My limbs feel relaxed and lighter.

"Has anything else happened?" She asks.

I move my eyes to the ceiling and the spotlight start to burn. "No."

I hear her open her mouth but I cut her a look and she thinks better of calling me out the lie.

---

After dinner, Natalie unpacks and repacks my case because apparently there are tricks to folding clothes to optimize space. Even though I'd made everything fit. I'd managed to avoid looking at Dimitri downstairs even though all I want to do is get him alone but then…I have no idea what I would say.

There's a soft tap on my door and Ben steps in. Natalie stops listing everything we're going to do at the Lodge and for the second time today my stomach drops. He hands me a phone and a piece of paper and explains the number to call and the extension.

Ben's voice is mild. "Everything's set up so when you're ready, you can call through and just state your name and who you're calling for. The calls going to be recorded, likely on their end too, so keep things focused on the both of you."

Right. Don't talk about Victor or anything Victor would be annoyed about. Even though I can't do that because of the compulsions. I glance from the phone to the file on the dresser, to Ben's sympathetic face to Natalie's encouraging one.

"Do you want me to stay?" Natalie asks.

I consider it. If I ran out of things to say she would feed me questions, being the natural chatterbox that she is. But I shake my head because this should just be me and her. As much as it can be anyway.

Nat squeezes my limp hand and they both leave. I turn off the TV and stare at the cell phone.

An inner voice, that sounds like Dimitri, tells me to inhale, hold, exhale.

I pick up the phone with numb fingers and dial the number. It rings and an automated voice answers, my breathing is too loud in my own ears and I'm afraid I'll miss its instruction to put in the code. The ringing tone starts again and goes on for long enough that my heart begins to gallop.

The line clicks.

"Hello, Oksana speaking." I can't make my mouth work as a torrent of nerves ravage my stomach. The line is quiet and the silence mounts until the woman politely asks. "Who may I ask is calling?"

I take a deep breath and with and with a steadiness I don't feel I say, "Hello. My name is Rose. I'm calling to speak to my mother."

The woman, Oksana, doesn't miss a beat but her voice takes a softer edge. "Could you confirm your mother's name?"

I swallow back emotion. "Janine Hathaway."

"If you hold the line, I will let her know you're waiting. I'll be back shortly."

It clicks again and calming music filters out of the phone as I exhale heavily.

A part of me hadn't believed this would work and I can admit to myself that part held a small glimmer of hope to not have to face what I've done and how she'll react. But it is happening and the rest of me is so relieved because I'm going to hear her voice and not have rely on dreaming to recall it correctly.

The music stops playing and the line clicks.

"Rosemarie?"

Something cracks open in my chest and spills out.

It's her. It's her voice, cool and clear in its inflections, saying the name that belonged to her and only her.

Her name reaches the tip of my tongue, but it doesn't leave. Instead, I say the one thing that belonged to me.

"Mom."

I hear her take a deep breath and I shift on the bed, instinctively wanting to move toward it.

Questions come spilling out of my mouth as if I'd unknowingly had them all prepared and held back for this moment. "Are you okay? Are you safe? Do you have…are you eating?"

It's quiet and I instantly kick myself.

"I haven't been harmed." She finally says and I sag in relief. The feeling that had spilled free works its way up my throat, tightening it but I would not cry. I would let her hear me cry. "And I have been offered everything I need."

I rest my elbow on my knee and support my head with my hand. "They said they were going to help you."

She's quiet and I can't help but feel hurt at the strangeness of this, the feeling of distance that had nothing to do with me being in this bedroom and not knowing where she is. When she'd first told me to call her Janine I'd found it had stung and then seeing those details on Dimitri's desk, a story I didn't know, it stung even more because I had no idea who Janine Hathaway was.

But I'd known my mom, I knew what that meant and even now with all strangeness I still do.

"What else have they told you?" She demands.

A face flashes and disappears as soon as it comes. Desperately I search around for an answer. "Not a lot. I don't know where you are and…I'm sorry I lost your necklace. I didn't mean to."

"I know you didn't. I have it back now." She murmurs and I strain to remember how or when I lost it until a sharp pain shoots behind my eyes.

I wait for her to ask me how I am, or things have been with me, both anticipating and dreading. But she doesn't.

"I'm sorry I didn't call sooner. After I left, I should have called you."

"No, no you shouldn't have." She says.

It shouldn't hurt but it does, and I shouldn't ask but I do. "Because it would have made it harder?"

She's silent again and heat sears my eyes. I know I didn't call because she needed me to be strong, to not rely on her, to not look dependent and weak.. And it was for her too, so it wouldn't seem like she had a weakness for anyone to exploit and she wouldn't be burned by worrying about me and what I'd tell her.

But it hadn't mattered. He took her because of me anyway.

"Yes." She finally says. "It would have made everything incredibly hard."

I don't know if it's because of those reasons or the reasons I want.

"I've missed you." I whisper.

Again she doesn't say anything and a tear slips down my cheek. I slap it away.

"Have you been following the rules?" She asks suddenly. "Staying out of trouble?"

Now I'm silent and her voice takes on a harder edge. "Rosemarie?"

I sit up straight and take a deep breath. "The rules are different here. It's not the same as Arizona."

"Yes, it is."

"No, it isn't." I push back, surprised at the sudden flare of anger or maybe it's desperation. "It is not the same as that place."

For the first time in months, I can almost see her face. The hard press of her mouth and her sharp amber eyes but her voice surprises me. It's softened, not soft, and somehow, it's worse than if she'd snapped at me. "The world is more like that place than you know, only in Arizona there was no need to hide it."

It's because she's suffered so much she can't think otherwise.

I know there are cruel Moroi, but I know there are kind ones. I know there are volatile Guardian's but I know there are honourable ones. I know it's more complicated than us and them now.

"I do know." I insist, pushing my ring around with my thumb. "I know more now than I ever did. I don't mean for that to sound like I'm blaming you, I'm not. I…understand so much better now everything you did and have done for me." And I can't help the emotion latching around my throat in a vice. "I don't know how you did it. You're the strongest person I've ever met."

I hate that I can't stress how I know that. That I've learned about more pain than physical. That the Guardian's I've lived with have been through and are going through some terrible things. That I've been immersed in a love I didn't know existed, the other side of having the right to choose and how much darker and devastating what she'd endured is. But I can't explain all of this.

The line is silent, and I wipe my face. "I don't want to disappoint you."

"Why would you be disappointing me?"

"I feel guilty." I admit and suck in a deep breath. "Because it hasn't been as hard here, not like it has been for you. I have more. I have…friends, Natalie and Lissa. I've read so many books and I eat chocolate all the time." I drag my hand under my chin and take a shuddering breath. "And all these things aren't something I should have to earn to deserve them, just like you shouldn't. You deserve everything and I want so badly to give it to you. I want to look after you now and get a job so we can have a house, a home, for us. I wanted to come and get you and -"

"Rosemarie, stop crying." She orders but her tone isn't as flat as it had been. It didn't mean it was warm either. "Crying doesn't-"

"Get me anything, I know." I finish and direct my gaze to the ceiling, trying to get myself under control. "I…I just need you to know how grateful I am."

"That doesn't explain why I would be disappointed in you." She says quietly but every word is weighted.

Why had I said that?

"You've been reading." She repeats quietly and my stomach drops out again. I was supposed to hide that, always and I had just mentioned it like it was nothing. Like it hadn't been a risk most of my life. "What other rules have you not been following, Rosemarie?"

My chest compresses, the phantom constriction of the bandages nipping at my ribs and making me flinch.

What rules had I been following? None a single one.

I don't want to lie to her, but I can't tell her like this, not when she is finally somewhere where she can focus on looking after herself. I can't be a burden like this, but I can't deflect the question when I was the one that brought it up.

I wet my lips. "I've been learning how to defend myself. To fight back."

The line is deathly quiet, and I embrace it because I expected nothing less.

"And who has been teaching you to do that?" Her tone makes my stomach knot. I have never heard her voice like that, it's beyond anger.

"The Guardian's here. Vic – Mr. Dashkov's Guardian's." More silence. "Mom, I'm fast. I've gained so much weight so I can be stronger. I strength train and I run. I know some self-defence and I started combative moves recently and I'm...I'm not good but I'm getting better. I'm a fast learner and Spiridon said –"

"No."

The more I'd spoke, pride had started to take over and light up my words, but with just one, it evaporates.

"No?"

"No, Rosemarie. No."

I clench and unclench my right hand. The gold glints up at me and I keep my eyes on it as I say, "I'm sorry you don't like it, that it disappoints you but I'm not going to stop. I can't."

"If you stayed out of trouble you wouldn't have to learn anything like that."

I realize I've been shaking my head. "It doesn't matter. I have tried that before and still bad things happened, and I had no way of stopping it. I couldn't…I couldn't help Eddie and I couldn't help myself, and I know that I'm learning how to I won't give it up. It makes me feel like I finally have control."

It's quiet for so long I think she's hung up. "Mom?"

She sighs heavily. "It might make you feel that way but it's a lie. I used to feel the same. I really wish you didn't have to learn everything the hard way… as I did. Listen to me, you are not a Moroi and that means any freedom you have been granted, whatever kindness provided by the Royal, can so easily be taken away."

My insides hallow out.

My eyes flick to the door as if I can see through it across the hall to Dimitri's room where that file hides on his desk.

The regret I think I'd been sensing erases as she speaks again. "A Royal you will address appropriately, and you will not cause trouble for. If you want to thank me in any way, for everything I had to endure, you will do that."

The hollowness echoes through me.

"I have to go." She says quietly. "Stay safe and close to the last promise I made."

Her small hand locked with Dimitri's, their blood sealing together between their palms. She's talking about following the rules, being obedient, but what had made her take a chance with him? What had made her trust him enough to not be like the other Guardians?

"I will."

It's silent again but she doesn't hang up and I clench my jaw as a wave of sadness passes over me. I want to see her face, to see with my own eyes that she is safe and whole.

"Mom. I love you."

I can't remember the last time I said it. It had to have been before Eddie died. If I'd thought about it, if I hadn't just said it on an impulse because it felt right to tell her, then I wouldn't find the following silence so stark because I would have prepared for it.

"Survive." She murmurs.

The line clicks.

---

I'd taken a long bath after the call, shoving the phone back into Ben's hands when he'd stepped into the room. It might have been five minutes or fifty from when she'd hung up, but I'd needed to be alone. He told me he couldn't trace the phone call and pushed him back into the hall with a smile, saying it was fine. He hadn't believed me, but he hadn't pushed.

I stayed in the bath until the water turned cold and then pulled on his shirt and some fleece pyjama bottoms. I pull the heavy braid over my shoulder and run my fingers over the damp ends. The sky brightens to navy, then a shade lighter, and I hear soft footsteps as everyone in the house goes to bed.

I read her file, taking advantage of the numbness that had settled after that click. I knew most of it, in my own understanding, but seeing it in writing with a paragraph of explanation and 'recommendations' was different. The only thing I could think about when I closed it over was that no one else would ever read it.

A soft tap sounds on the door and I hesitate for a second before getting up to unlock it.

The mask he'd been wearing most of the time these past few days is off. He looks exhausted and there's tension around his eyes as they scan my face. He's out of his usual black and in soft grey loungers and a white t-shirt. I don't move from the doorway.

"Can I come in?" He murmurs.

Something in me enjoys that he has to ask but it dies quickly. I move back to the bed and steps in, locking the door behind him.

"I'm angry with you."

He sits down on the end of the bed, and I tuck my knees to my chest.

"You have every right to be." He runs a hand through his hair. "I don't…I don't think I explained well at all. At the time Roza, I truly believed it was necessary. You were so skittish and so sceptical of us, of your new freedoms. I just wanted a basic need covered and one comfort provided against a deep-seated fear. It was the most practical choice for efficiencies sake. Everything I thought of was in practicality back then. I don't think the same way anymore."

I remember the night after Halloween, the things he said about being removed from his emotions.

"Closed off…calculating…apathetic…"

He leans forward, elbows on his knees "You've spoken about what choice means to you and I am sorry I took it away. I should have told you sooner but honestly with everything else…I forgot about it. And I feel disgusted with myself for it because it does mean so much to you and I…" He looks so lost and I have never heard him like this, struggling to find the right words. Of all the difficult conversations we've had, he'd been able to navigate us through it. "I love you. I would never do anything like that now because I would consider how you feel first. Not what the easiest fix is, not how a soldier thinks."

I understand, I really do but I can't make myself change how I feel about it even though I want to.

"I know the Zmey one he won't lift but that I want that removed."

Dimitri meets my eyes. "I've already spoken to Victor about it. He's agreed."

It should dissipate the anger, the hurt but it doesn't, and he reads that on my face. He turns back to the window, trying to hide what crosses his face and I watch the column of his throat as he swallows.

"You all listened to my call with her, didn't you?"

The only person I knew hadn't would be Natalie, but I needed to him hear it from him.

"Ben and I didn't want to, we said you deserved more privacy and Spiridon would be enough, but he didn't see it that way because we're both closer to you. We might pick up something that Spiridon wouldn't." His tongue sweeps his lower lip. "I walked out. After I spoke to you earlier, I couldn't be a part of that, but I think I could have handled it a lot better. Spiridon's been making excuses for me."

He rubs his eyes and the cuts that had been on his face earlier are now just small nicks in the skin.

I crawl down the bed and he looks up in surprise. I swing my leg over his hip and rest my head in the curve of his shoulder. After a moment his arms fold around me. We sit like that for a while.

"I'm still angry with you. Is he angry with you?"

A palm coasts up between my shoulder blades, pressing me closer. "Yes, but I think he knows how united we are in our feelings toward you. That we're protective. Whether he reasons it as Dhampir loyalty or something else, he knows that certain battles he won't win and to try and fight them will push the three of us further from him."

We look at each other and I remember what he said to me about always being on my side even if we didn't agree. In a short space of time, he'd defied Victor again, first with telling me about what happened with the meeting and now with refusing to listen to the call. He kept risking his position for me, the favour of the Moroi he served. The dynamic of this house wasn't just shifting but straining.

"What's the something else?"

The hand not between my shoulder blade traces light circles on my hip. "It's a frequent remark that I'm sensitive to mistreated women."

I lean up and press a soft kiss to his forehead.

"I'm sorry I used your own words against you earlier." I whisper and sit back so I can meet his eyes. "From when you told me about your family. I was…I've been so angry these past few days and –" He's shaking his head and I slide my hand around his jaw to stop him. "I'm sorry I did that. I don't want to throw things you confide back at you."

"But it drove home your point." He says solemnly. "You don't have to apologise."

His reaction to everything that had happened had gone beyond running extra laps to work off the frustration or getting less sleep than he normally does. It was deeper, causing that mask to be worn frequently throughout the day and the lighter version of him, the one that joked and smiled more often hadn't appeared.

And I know, under all my turbulent emotions, I know he had asked Victor to do such a thing to help me. I remember what Natalie said and how I would behave around food when I got here, terrified I'd been arrogant enough to take it and that was with a compulsion. I'd dropped so many damn yoghurts.

I couldn't argue that it hadn't helped me. But he should have told me as soon as I made it clear how much my choices meant to me and how gaining autonomy over my own body was everything to me.

I could forgive him… but just not right now.

He's reading my face and acceptance touches his. It somehow deepens the grief carved there. I smooth my thumbs over his cheeks.

"I wanted to ask but I don't know if you want to talk about it." He says quietly. "How was she?"

"Did Ben not tell you anything? Spiridon?" I ask sceptically.

"I've avoided them. We don't have to talk about it."

My hands drop from his face to his shoulders. The chain of his necklace is so fine it takes a moment for my fingers to locate it through his t-shirt, I follow it until I find the solid outline of the cross.

"It went…how I would expect I suppose. She sounded like herself. I'd been afraid she wouldn't, I was afraid she'd sound, well, afraid and I couldn't cope with that. I told her I'd been training. She didn't like that." I tug down his collar and pull out the silver, turning it over so the Cyrillic stares up at me. "I think she worries that learning will attract more attention, to myself. That I'll be asking for a fight."

My body rocks gently as his palm rubs over my lower back and I realize his motions are so precise because it's where my period pain had been bothering me.

"She's spent every second of your life fearing your safety." He murmurs. "It makes sense she doesn't want you near conflict in any shape or form." I feel him watching my face. "And although you know that it doesn't make it easier when you've been working so hard."

I nod. I knew the conversation was going to be hard because who she wanted me to be wasn't who I was at all. Once I had wanted to be that person, but I don't anymore and everything I've done, who I'm becoming, will be a betrayal.

I don't want to think anymore. "Let's go to bed."

Before I can move he stands, lifting me like I weigh nothing, to pull back the covers and set me down against the pillows.

"Show off." I mutter and the faintest smile plays on his lips. "Do you need any more painkillers?"

I almost say no but nod instead. This month it had been a lot heavier. I take my tablets and he slides in next to me, curling around my back.

"I'm going to kick your ass tomorrow." I say, sleep already thick in my voice.

The arm around my waist flexes. "Maybe."

Despite everything I grin because that's the closest he's come to admitting I could beat him.

---

I sleep so deeply that my alarm is a distant noise that slowly drags me from the dark. Immediately I know Dimitri's not beside me but my hand reaches out anyway. I get up with nerves fluttering through my stomach and pull on a set of workout clothes.

I take the stairs two at a time and skid to a stop at the kitchen entry.

Four faces turn toward me.

Natalie, still in her fluffy pyjamas and her winter coat, is sat at the island with a steaming mug in her hands. Spiridon leans against the counter beside her, blonde hair fluffy like he's only just rolled out of bed seconds ago. They'd been speaking in low tones until I'd come in but now Natalie beams at me.

"There she is." She sings. "The nimble badass."

Spiridon snorts. "Nimble badass? That's the best you've got?"

"I like it." Ben says, pushing his hair back so he can pull on his hat. "It suits her."

Dimitri's leaning by the sink, dark eyes trained on me as he takes a long drink of water.

"You can't chant 'Nimble Badass'. That's embarrassing."

"As opposed to 'the Russian God?'" Natalie fires back.

Dimitri makes a revolted sound and Spiridon laughs. "It works in Rose's favour."

I take a bottle of water from the fridge, secretly thrilled they were all here. I'd thought maybe Ben would be here to take the time, but I hadn't expected Natalie or Spiridon at all. Those two loved their sleep.

"The race of the century. The Russian God vs The Nimble Badass." Ben says, laughing which is made funnier by Dimitri grimacing beside him.

"What are the conditions of the bet?" Nat asks, eagerly leaning over the counter. "What will Rose win?"

"No stop it." I tell her, the thrill overturning into nerves. "You're putting pressure on me."

"Keep doing it Natalie, psych her out." Spiridon whispers loudly and I roll my eyes. "Right, to business though, who's running first?"

I glance at Dimitri who seems impassive. He's probably not nervous at all.

Russian jerk.

"Let's flip a coin." Ben proposes and digs one out of his pocket. "Call."

I have a vague idea of what he means but I'm saved from saying anything by Dimitri calling heads. Everyone ignores the crude joke Spiridon makes about that. Ben flicks the penny into the air and catches it on the back of his hand.

"Heads." He determines.

Spiridon starts drumming the counter.

"I am so excited." Natalie grins, jumping up and zipping up her coat.

Outside Dimitri and I stretch, and the nerves keep turning over in my stomach. This was just supposed to be a fun thing between us two but now everyone's involved. Natalie's already texting Lissa 'updates' and we hadn't even done anything yet.

Ben steps out of the kitchen. "Ready, Belikov?"

Dimitri drops his left foot back to the ground. "As I'll ever be."

"A lot riding on this, your whole reputation." Ben grins as we drift over to the starting point. "Nervous?"

"This probably making the top five."

"What's the other four?" Dimitri gives him a look and Ben laughs. "Yeah, I didn't expect an answer."

Behind us, the door opens and Spirdon and Natalie step out. Nat's hiding something behind her back.

Ben pulls out his phone. "Ready?"

Even though I'm not running first but my stomach flips over. Dimitri moves to where a line has been raked through the snow-crusted grass. He readies himself.

"Go!"

Dimitri darts forward and we catch glimpses of him through the trees lining the edge of the lake until he's out of sight. We start walking to the other side of the green and Natalie and Spiridon join us there.

"What is that?" I ask, trying to peer around her but she turns with me.

"You'll see."

"It's too early for so many loud noises." Spiridon says.

Natalie frowns at him. "It'll hardly be that loud."

"I meant you."

"You missed me, don't lie. I'm going to ride in your car and ask you so many questions, and sit beside you on the plane and explain the whole premise of this new show I'm watching and –"

"Ben, help me find some stones to put in my pocket. I fancy a swim."

Natalie shoves him with her shoulder.

"I'm reporting that to HR."

I listen to them bicker for a few more minutes, laughter dissipating my nerves.

"Here he comes." Ben says, eyes flicking from the trail to the clock running on his phone.

A second passes and then in a blur, Dimitri bursts onto the green before skidding to a stop, snow spraying. There's the faintest shine of sweat on his brow but –

I jump as something explodes with a loud pop near my head. Natalie's whooping as sparkly confetti rains out of the sky from a tube she's launched it out of. Spiridon's eyes are closed and he's shaking his head.

Well, if Victor wasn't awake he now would be.

"What time did he make?" Spiridon asks Ben. Dimitri wanders closer, hands on his hips, chest rising and falling.

"Not saying until Rose has completed her lap."

"Someone's taking their job seriously." Spiridon says to no one in particular.

"So am I!" Natalie grins, tossing aside the empty confetti launcher.

"Starting point, Rose." Ben instructs.

Shit. Fuck. Shit.

I block out fears of tripping or being minutes slower, focus on inhaling deeply, holding it, letting it out.

"Ready?" Ben asks calmly.

Another deep breath. I've done this most days for months. One smooth run. No stopping or starting, no fatigue from hours of weight training or sparring before. I could do this.

My right foot slides behind my left, knees bending.

"Go!"

I shoot into the tunnel of trees. Natalie shouting my name and encouragement quickly falls away. The ground is familiar, the feeling in my legs strong and my lungs clear. I focus on every breath in and out.

I stop thinking.

I rip through the forest feeling made of more and less than skin and bones. I feel weightless yet powerful, unstoppable. The ground slopes upward but my stride doesn't falter. I burst through a break in the trees at the lakes head and careen around the curve back into the trees.

I couldn't do this months ago and that's the real victory, no matter what the time is.

I tear over the ground, kicking up snow and dirt.

The opening to the green looms ahead and I race toward it but it's more like I'm flying. I hear Natalie shouting again, glimpse her figure through the trees as I get closer. The end rushes toward me and then suddenly the trees disappear on either side, another loud pop sounds with Natalie's shouting. I try to connect mind to muscle, to slow down, but it's lost in translation as I skid to a stop and land on my ass.

"You were a blur! Literally a blur!" Natalie's shouting, jumping up and down. She rushes over and hauls me up. "Nimble Badass is going to the Olympics!"

Adrenaline pulses through my veins as I laugh and beyond her Dimitri is smiling at me. Spiridon is berating Ben into announcing the winner already because certain areas of his body are turning blue. My heartbeat is in my ears, breathing short and shallow but I could run it again, easy.

"Alright. Alright." Ben says, gaining everyone's attention and silence. "It was very close, two-point-three seconds close." I stop breathing as Ben looks at us all in a dramatic pause.

"I will fucking-" Spiridon begins.

"Dimitri won." Ben declares.

I feel everyone look at me, but I stare at Ben, then at his phone.

"Two seconds? I was slower by two seconds?"

Ben nods, an apprehensive pinch to his face.

I throw my hands up in the air and shriek, causing Natalie to start but then she's grinning. "Two seconds! I was two seconds slower!"

"She knows she lost right?"

I turn to Dimitri who's smiling openly. "You're a whole foot taller than me, the length of your legs, and I was only TWO SECONDS BEHIND YOU!" I whirl to Spiridon who's looking at me like I've lost my mind. "Which means I would kick your ass. I would definitely kick your ass. Two seconds and I've only been training for months and my legs are so sore but two fucking seconds!"

I'm jumping again and Natalie joins in.

"Victory waffles!" Natalie shouts. "I'll make waffles for everyone!"

Emotion surges through me, the pride I held from learning to do this igniting. I could keep up with Dimitri and I stood a chance at defending myself, knowing where to land a blow if I needed to. What my mother said is so far from my mind because at this moment I feel in control, and I finally have something to mark how far I'd come. It wasn't a certificate or diploma or grades.

It was two seconds separating me from one of the best Guardians in the world.

"You know, you might have actually won." Natalie says as we walk back toward the kitchen, her arm through mine. "If you'd had like a proper rest day and if you weren't on your period."

"Natalie, for fucks sake." Spiridon groans from behind us. "Nobody needs to know that."

"Stop listening then, pervert."

I don't even care. I'm so elated I feel like I should be running it again just because I can and what's more is, Natalie is right. If my whole body didn't hold some form of ache and if my insides weren't at war – I might have won.

"I think there should be a rematch! Under fairer conditions next time." Natalie proposes.

"I agree." Dimitri says from behind me, and I grin.

"Alright but for now just pay up." Spiridon interrupts. "There's a hundred-dollar hole in my pocket that needs filled. Hear that, Ben?"

"Yeah, yeah."

Inside I race upstairs to my room to shower and then race back down again to eat with them. Spiridon takes Victor a plate and Ben gives me a one-armed hug when Natalie is holding everyone else's attention. He quietly tells me he's proud of me and I beam at him but then I remember something.

"Did you bet against me?"

He looks a bit sheepish, "Spiridon bet Dimitri would win but you'd be less than ten seconds behind him. Natalie and Lissa bet that you would win." He grins and adds. "But Dimitri bet Spiridon you would win or be less than five seconds behind him – I should have listened. He's the one that's been running with you after all."

"Traitor." I mutter but I'm still grinning.

"Next time." He winks.

---

CH63 SNEAKPEAK.

DPOV

I step out onto the wide deck and the frigid air is a welcome relief. Spiridon slides the wide door shut and we move off on the final lap of our patrol.

"I forgot how much I fucking hate teenagers."

I smirk. "No, you didn't."

"No, I didn't but being around them constantly is bringing out my homicidal plotting side. And you know what that's like."

"I'm familiar."

He laughs shortly. "Imagine St. Basil's believed in luxurious winter breaks. We'd have brought shame down on that school for centuries. Expelled within a few days. Princes and Lords furious. Lady's and Princesses fainting in scandal…or maybe they'd be really turned on, who knows."

"Don't be ridiculous." I glance at him and he raises his eyebrows. "We'd have been expelled within a few hours."

"Minutes."

"Probably would have caused a collision on the highway on the way here."

Spiridon laughs in agreement. "We were a nightmare."

"Some moments ask for admiration though." I raise my eyes to his hair. "You suited blue hair."

"The pink was a bit of a piss-take."

My grins widens and it feels good. "Shouldn't have fallen for it the second time."

"Fallen for it? You put it in my fucking hair gel."

"Watching it develop through the first three lessons was one of my prouder moments."

"I find it a bit disturbing Dimitri Belikov is associating me with a moment of pride."

"Apologies."

The deck spans out into an esplanade where a Moroi couple stroll, each holding the small hand of their child walking between them. They pass swinging the giggling toddler up into the air and behind them, a clear faced Guardian shadows.

We veer over to the balcony to get a clearer view of the grounds.

Pearl Valley was everything you would expect for royalty. An affluent, sprawling winter kingdom encompassed by three mountains. The Lodge was built into the centre summit, the shorter of the three shouldering sisters, and staircased down to the flatter land. Home to seven restaurants, two cinemas, a small shopping mall, two separate pool facilities, a spa, two gyms, three bars, a nightclub, Guardian barracks and further down the valley was a small village of chalets and a gift shops.

Outside the middle sister the other two mountains were snaked with varying runs across their wide range. The furthest and most challenging run lay on the eastern side where ski-lifts, specks from where we stand, carry the most skilled or the most ambitious skiiers.

All of this owned by the Ivashkov family.

I willed myself not to feel anything about it but it didn't hold off the cold oily sensation in my stomach. Being faced with so much wealth couldn't stop me thinking about Karolina crying from stress that our boiler had broken and she couldn't find extra work.

And he has the keys to this.

Adrian has the keys to this.

"You alright?"

I nod curtly, the respite gained from getting outside and the light banter with Spiridon, evaporates. I remind myself that he's not here and I wouldn't have to deal with running into him, or fuck, Roza meeting him.

There is no world in which I would be ready for that.

Thinking of her causes an unwanted but not unwelcomed sear of longing in my chest. I haven't spent any time with her since getting here, there simply hadn't been any. With the resort at capacity every Guardian, personal or public, were on a timetable of rotation for patrols. When we weren't on patrol we were with Victor, who had taken to inviting Natasha to his meeting to represent her family and her vision of Moroi defence.

It was also a way for him to force us together because I frequently got asked for my views and opinions. I try to think of these meetings as my obligation to serve the requirements of my contract and display my interest in her.

At least having little to no free time meant no expectation to spend time alone with her.

I hate that I've seen more of Natasha than I have of Roza but I content myself with the knowledge that she's having fun. In the brief moments we share the same space or are in the same room she's smiling more, excited about the days plan with the two girls, or she can barely keep her eyes open. She deserves to be having fun after everything that's happened and I can understand that space apart might also be what she needs.

We reach the end of the wide space and step up into the narrower walkway that will curve down to the lowest outdoor deck. The deck is set up to accommodate an outdoor bar and every table full of patrons. Chatter is heavy in the air, at least three different languages exchanging and weaving over each other. My eyes travel over the different faces, routine procedure. Spiridon starts theorizing if there's a way to move slope 9's barriers to steer the kids into oncoming traffic of slope 13 without anyone seeing him when I stop dead.

"What?" I feel him gauging my expression and turn away, to try and follow my eyeline. "Who or what are you looking at?"

It's a matter of who.

Dimly I register the name leaving my lips, unable to look away and I should before their sixth sense kicks in. That would ruin the plan formulating in my head.

"Fuck." Spiridon breathes and then I can hear that sinister smile in his voice when he says, "Dead man walking."

---

As always thank you to Maddy for her notes and inside-out knowledge of this story/ characters 💖

- It is little fillery but required to move things along and cover some things off as more shit is poised to kick off. I have been so excited to FINALLY get to this destination. A lot to come. A lot.
- Next chapter is in DPOV and I added a Janine x Abe sub chapter on P..a...t...re...o...n. The next subchapter is around a day in the life on the Ozera estate when Rose is 8.
- Again apologies for the later update, I was sick a lot of February.

I hope you're all safe and well, and if anything, this space is an escape if things are hard. xx